


souhait accordé cycle 5

by littlemsmessy, ndnickerson



Series: souhait accordé [7]
Category: Nancy Drew - Carolyn Keene
Genre: Anger, Angst, Betrayal, Birthday, Couch Sex, Counseling, Cunnilingus, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fingerfucking, Fireplaces, Floor Sex, Grief/Mourning, Infidelity, Marriage Counseling, Married Couple, Married Sex, Missionary Position, Oral Sex, Partner Betrayal, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Secrets, Separations, Therapy, Woman on Top, mild bondage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:17:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 247,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemsmessy/pseuds/littlemsmessy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ndnickerson/pseuds/ndnickerson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nancy and Ned try to rebuild their relationship after their time in California.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Series writers: killingstreak, littlemsmessy, and ndnickerson. Chapter 1 by ndnickerson.

Nancy pulled her car to a stop at the curb outside O'Hare, her gloved hands clamped around the steering wheel, her mouth set. Ned had been to O'Hare a thousand times, every hour of the day, and no matter what, even on a grey, agonizingly cold day like this one, well before rush hour, the drive to the airport had been a nightmare. And his wife had been distracted and agitated for most of it, too.

She had just started back at her old job. Their house was almost ready, and after their trip, they would be able to move back in.

And they still weren't okay. She still wasn't entirely comfortable around him, nor was he around her. Ned was hopeful that moving back into their old house, settling in, would bring that ease back. Maybe it would even take that look off her face, the expression she wore when Ned could feel that she was a thousand miles away from him, and he knew he would never be able to span the distance between.

She shook her head a little and turned to look at him, her lips quirking up into a smile, but the gesture was ruined by the wariness in her eyes.

He had told himself that she was just worried about work or her morning sickness for so long, but a part of him was tired of making excuses for her. He had done what she had asked, and he had believed that quitting his job and apologizing to her for what he had done in California was all it would take to get them back on track, back the way they used to be. He had been wrong.

Nancy was the first to drop her gaze, and they were both quiet. The traffic cop in front of them looked angry, and Nancy glanced up at him, then over at Ned. "Have a safe trip," she said softly.

He nodded. "Call you when I get in?"

"Yeah. Text me." She worked her glove off, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "I'll see you in a few days."

Ned nodded, his stomach doing a slow flip. She would be staying at her father's house while he was out of town, and one of Ned's recurring nightmarish daydreams involved going over there to bring her home just to find Carson waiting for him with a shovel and a shotgun. Especially given all Nancy could say to him about what had happened in California. The sooner they were back in their own house together, the better Ned would feel.

"I love you," he said.

She glanced down again. "Love you too," she whispered.

Ned touched his wife's cheek with his bare fingers, and while he knew his skin was cold, the wide-eyed expression on her face when she glanced back up at him had nothing to do with the temperature of his skin. Ned leaned down and kissed her, softly at first. When his tongue slipped into her mouth, she let out a soft sound between a protest and a whimper, even though she felt like she was melting under him.

"Hey!" the cop called from outside. "Drop-off only, lady!"

They broke the kiss, and the bashful expression on her face, at least, was genuine. Ned's heart skipped a beat. "I'll see you soon," he murmured, kissing her one last time before he released his seatbelt and slid out of the car.

The trip was uneventful, with the usual delays. Ned texted Nancy to let her know when he finally landed at LAX, and she texted him back within ten minutes. Ned spent the rest of the day packing up their house, blasting music through the stereo. With everything he packed, every piece of their past, photo albums, books, CDs, even the wind chimes that made his stomach twist when he thought about buying them, he reminded himself that he had been so, so close to losing her. Their house in California felt so empty without her in it, and he had truly believed that they would be happy here...

It was eleven o'clock that night before he realized it. He was sweaty, his threadbare t-shirt and faded jeans streaked with dust, and their living room was an obstacle course of boxes. Ned ordered a pizza and allowed himself a thirty-minute rest break, catching up on ESPN. He caught himself glancing over at the liquor cabinet while he waited for his pizza to arrive, but he had emptied all the bottles; habit more than anything else had directed his gaze that way.

Even so, he shivered a little to himself and directed his gaze back to the television set.

He started on the kitchen after the pizza arrived and he had eaten a few slices, but it was a lot to tackle, and he was going to need more newspapers, anyway. He filled a few paper bags with the non-perishables to take them to a local food bank, then went upstairs, forcing himself to take a brief hot shower before he collapsed, naked and utterly exhausted, onto the mattress. He wanted to call his wife before he went to sleep, but after he had let her know he had arrived safely, he wasn't sure what else there was to say, and he didn't want to start a fight. She was so quick to take what he was saying the wrong way, to fly off the handle, and besides, as tired as he was, he had a bad feeling he would bring up what had been eating at him for the past week...

He fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, acutely aware of the emptiness on the other side of their bed, reassuring himself with the thought that soon they would share it again, back in their home.

He was jolted awake when his cell phone rang. He snatched it off the bedside table, squinting at the small screen even as he swiped his finger across to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Well, that didn't take long, did it. She kick you out again so soon?"

_Carly._

Ned's mouth went dry, his heart pounding in his chest. He pulled the phone away from his ear. He had to be dreaming; he had blocked her goddamn number—

She was calling from an unlisted one.

"Want me to come over and kiss it better, baby?"

Ned stabbed the End Call button, then a few more times for good measure, cutting her off mid-sentence. Then he slumped back onto the pillow, groaning. He had thought she would get the message, after he had pointedly blocked her calls and her messages. 

His phone rang again. Same number.

He imagined answering it, telling her to stop calling him, but he'd already said that in the strongest way possible, and the thought of hearing her silky, seductive voice again made him feel sick to his stomach. He declined the call, and before he could second-guess it, he tapped the button to speed-dial his wife's cell.

She answered on the third ring. "'Lo?" she murmured, her voice thick with sleep.

"Hey baby," Ned murmured, relaxing into the pillow at the sound of her voice.

Nancy cleared her throat. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Ned ran his hand through his hair. "Just needed to hear your voice. I'm sorry. It must be really late there."

"Really early," she agreed, swallowing a yawn. "I kinda thought you'd call me before you went to bed—are you just finishing up?"

"I went to bed a few hours ago," he admitted. "I'll finish up the kitchen in the morning."

"Mmmm." He heard the springs creak as she shifted.

"Did you—want me to call you?"

"Up to you," she said.

He felt a flash of irritation and anger. He had _asked her._ She just kept turning it back on him, like he could read her fucking mind.

"I'll call you tomorrow," he told her. "Before I go to bed. And just—give me a call sometime tomorrow, when you can. At lunch or whatever. I'll have my phone on, and I don't want to—interrupt you at work." He dug the fingers of his other hand into his palm to keep from saying something that would start another fucking fight.

"It's okay," she said softly. "I'll call you. I..."

She trailed off, and Ned just felt tired. Since their time together in the cabin at Fox Lake, he had grown accustomed to sleeping with her in his arms again, lulled by the sound of her heartbeat, and he was impatient to be with her again. To be _right_ again.

"Thanks," he murmured. "I love you, baby. Get some rest and I'll see you soon."

"I love you too," she whispered. "And... thank you."

After she hung up, Ned pulled the covers back over him, one ear cocked just in case Carly called again. Ten minutes later, though, he was passed out again, the tightness in his chest just a little more bearable.

\--

"So I set us up an appointment for tomorrow."

Nancy tried to say it casually, but Ned was helping her unpack the kitchen boxes, and she heard one of the glasses suddenly clatter against the countertop. Ned didn't respond otherwise, though, and Nancy sighed silently.

He had agreed to go to marriage counseling. She was sure he had. She wasn't mistaken. But the three counselors she had suggested so far hadn't felt "right," according to Ned. The first two had been women, and Ned hadn't liked either of them. The first one seemed boring and bland, the second one too abrupt. Nancy had snapped and asked Ned who, exactly, he wanted for their counselor, and then she had actually heard herself accusing him of trying to make excuses, to stall until she gave up on it because he hadn't really committed—

And that was the problem. She desperately needed them to find a counselor because she could hear herself getting shrill and angry with him so often and couldn't seem to stop. She was so angry at him, so incredibly angry at him over everything that had happened in the past six months—the past _year_ , really—and she had decided that counseling was the first step in getting over it, but the more reasons Ned found to reject their possible therapists, the more frustrated she felt.

The third therapist she had found—and _Nancy_ had found all of them, she was very aware of that, Ned definitely hadn't volunteered to help in her search—was a man, but Ned hadn't liked him, and Nancy had to admit, even if she only admitted it to herself, that she hadn't liked him either. He had seemed condescending and sanctimonious, especially when interacting with her.

"Okay," Ned finally replied.

Nancy had to bite back a sharp retort. His attitude was reminding her of all those missed fertility doctor appointments, and she really, _really_ didn't need to be thinking about that.

He finished with the box he was unpacking, then tossed it into the corner, near the garage door, with the rest. When he came over to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind, his lips lightly brushing her neck, she tensed up for a second before she forced herself to relax.

_He's trying_ , she told herself firmly, but she was still frowning, could still feel her belly roiling with anger.

He was trying. But she had no idea how she was going to forget what had happened. And she could feel an argument brewing between them, one neither of them had had the strength to tackle yet, but she had seen it in his eyes, in the set of his square jaw. If she could go a span of days without suffering from almost debilitating morning sickness, if she could just get her strength back, that argument would explode between them.

He hated that she was working for her old firm. He hadn't said it, but he hadn't needed to. And the day he gave voice to it, she wasn't sure her rage would ever subside.

Just like she still wasn't sure how she was ever going to be able to forgive him for what he had done, or even if it was possible.

That night, after Ned announced he was going upstairs to take his shower, Nancy told him she just had a few more emails to compose. Since they had returned home—well, she couldn't really remember the last time they'd had sex in the shower, and she didn't really want to, not yet. She hated making love or even taking her clothes off in front of him with the lights on now. When she went upstairs, gathering her towel and her nightgown, and stripped to take her shower, she studied her naked body in the mirror and felt tears prick at her eyelids. She frowned deeply, tipping her head back to keep them from falling, but when she blinked they slipped down her cheeks.

Carly had looked spectacular naked. Curvy, generous breasts, slender toned limbs, tan and gorgeous. Nancy had never looked like that. Her collarbone was sharp, the knobs of her wrists more pronounced, her breasts even smaller than they had been.

Her gaze slid down to the reflection of her belly in the mirror. She _would_ swell with curves, but they wouldn't be sexy, seductive ones—and as much as she had tried, she hadn't really regained her appetite. She was continually afraid that eating too much would just make her throw up, and so she just hadn't tried that much beyond the standby soup and mashed potatoes, and the occasional bland half-sandwich.

She didn't want her husband in the shower looking at her, mentally comparing her to Carly. Carly, who was experienced in bed, who would have given him anything he had wanted, Nancy was sure. Even if he said he never thought about it, would never compare them—well, the problem was that she knew he had, and he had apparently found Carly so attractive that he had been willing to possibly throw their life together away just to have her.

As soon as she stepped into the shower, Nancy began to sob quietly, shaking as she fought to keep herself under some control. Before their fight she had pinned all her hopes, all her desires, on having him back again—but everything seemed tainted now. He was with her, but for how long? Which new promise would he break first? How long until he was bored with her and their sex life, tired of having sex with only her?

And when he found out what had happened with Ben...

Nancy ran her wet palm over her face as she tipped her head back, letting the spray soak her hair. She was incredibly irritated with him for dragging his feet on the therapy, but Nancy had to admit that a part of her was kind of glad they hadn't gone to counseling yet. She didn't want to talk to him about it, any of it. She wanted to pretend that California, that his job and life there, had never happened.

But what had happened in California was all she could think about, and when he begrudged her job, she wanted to kill him. She wasn't stupid; she wouldn't put their child in danger. She wouldn't go on dangerous assignments.

_The child. The child you were considering_ aborting _not too long ago._

Nancy's face crumpled again, and she reached for the soap. Just thinking about it made a surge of hot bile rise in her stomach. He was going to throw it in her face, she just knew it, and that made her hate him, because she felt awful about considering it. Even though she had known it was the best option under the circumstances, she had been ready to cut that tie between them, to walk away from him and their life together—

_No_ , she thought savagely. _No._ I _didn't walk away._ He _did, the minute he went up to that room with Carly..._

By the end of her shower, Nancy had to work to calm herself down. She focused on drying her hair, applied cocoa butter to her belly to help prevent stretch marks, then looked down at the bottle.

Before, she had imagined that Ned would do this for her, with her. That they would be in bed together and he would slide her nightgown up and warm the lotion in his large palms before he massaged it into her skin, that he would kiss her warm flesh and whisper soothingly to their child as he or she still floated in her belly. And while he did sometimes stroke her belly, he was tentative, and his accusation still rang in her ears, brought an angry flush to her cheeks.

They had no choice. They had to get past it, and there was no other way but through.

When she slipped into their bed, Ned stirred, then rolled onto his side, curling up to her. He draped his arm over her, spooned up behind her, and she felt his fingertips slowly, gently caress her belly. She squeezed her eyes tight shut, forcing the lump in her throat and the tears that came with it back down.

She had wanted this so, so much when they had been in California, but she was afraid of it now. Afraid to let herself get used to it. Afraid that if she gave her heart to him again, lost herself to him again, that the next time he hurt her, she wouldn't be able to find her way back.

She sucked in a quiet, sharp breath when she realized that she believed it would only be a matter of time, now. That no matter what he said, the words had been hollow before, and they always would be.

Ned made a soft sound. "Okay?" he whispered, his voice low and gravelly with sleep.

_I loved you_ , she thought. _I loved you so much. Tell me how I can ever love you that way again._

"Yeah," she replied, and her voice sounded almost normal. "Just thinking about work."

He patted her gently. "Go to sleep," he whispered. "It'll be okay."

_I have been asleep for so long,_ she thought. _Trapped in a terrible nightmare. Looking the other way while you fell in love with someone else. And I don't know how this will ever be right again._

"Yeah," she whispered.

His lips brushed her hair. "Love you," he murmured.

Words. Only words.

"Love you," she replied.

She had done everything and it still wasn't enough. She had brought him back, rebuilt their home again, but they were still broken, and she had no idea how to fix it.

\--

"Good evening."

Nancy had been wary when she and Ned had come to the family clinic and found the parking lot nearly empty, the lights in the reception area off. Just to make sure they had gone to the door together, and their knock had been immediately answered by a tall African-American man, who smiled pleasantly at both of them when he let them in.

"Nancy and Ned?"

They nodded slowly, and the man extended his hand. "I'm Solomon Barnes. You can call me Mr. Barnes, or Sol, whichever is easier."

Nancy accepted his hand first, then Ned. Ned was the first to open his mouth. "It's nice to meet you—we weren't sure it was open...?"

Mr. Barnes smiled. "It's not. If you'll come with me?"

He was of average height and build, a little on the wiry side, and he wore small wire-rimmed glasses, jeans and sneakers, and a late '80s vintage Pixies tour t-shirt. Ned had been expecting the usual business uniform of a plain button-down, boring tie, and slacks. Mr. Barnes looked easily twenty years older than Ned, if not more, but he also seemed to radiate calm.

And as much as Ned hated the idea of therapy, he found himself cautiously optimistic about this therapist.

"I don't have an office," Mr. Barnes explained as he led them to an inner room decorated in dark mahogany and overstuffed black leather furniture, black-framed pictures of other people's kids. "I'm partially retired, and I only take the kind of cases that interest me, so paying rent on an office I might not be using all that often didn't appeal to me, and Dr. Allen is a colleague and old friend of mine." He gestured for them to sit down on the couch. "And she's kind enough to let me use this place after hours."

Nancy had been surprised that he had been able to fit them in so late, after she had gotten off work; now Ned understood. "And our case... interests you?"

"That's what we're here to find out." Mr. Barnes took his glasses off, folded them, then sat back. "So...?"

Ned paused for a second, glancing over at his wife. The other therapists they had talked to had spent most of the time harried and rushed, reeling off their credentials and their preferred therapy methods; they were marriage counselors, and seemed to believe they already had a good grasp on whatever the problem between Nancy and Ned was, and how to fix it, without even knowing the first thing about them. "Would you mind, uh, telling us about yourself?"

Mr. Barnes glanced over his shoulder at the diplomas and certificates hanging behind him on the wall, diplomas and certificates which definitely weren't his. "I worked in high-stakes finance for ten years," he began, his voice even and almost clinical, bored. "Didn't like the stress and how it was changing me, so I got out, but not before I made some excellent investments. I can afford to take the cases I want, which is my favorite way to work."

Ned nodded, feeling a little excited despite himself. Nancy looked a little less convinced, but the therapist's calm demeanor seemed to be soothing to both of them. During the car ride Nancy had been agitated at everything, and he was feeling sick of it.

"So. Tell me about the problem."

Nancy took a deep breath and Ned let her speak first. She was the one who wanted therapy, so he didn't mind letting her talk about it. He was kind of interested in what she was going to say, anyway.

"Our... our marriage has been in trouble for a while," she said, and looked down at her joined hands. "Ned took a job in California and that just made it worse."

Ned's eyes widened, and he stared at Nancy's face. So she thought things had been bad even _before_ he had taken the promotion?

He listened, numb, as Sol asked how long they had been married and Nancy answered, turning her rings around on her finger. The rings hadn't always been that loose. "We've been together twelve years," she added, and Ned's stomach clenched again.

She told Sol that they had grown apart, especially once she had moved to California to join Ned, and she told him about their agreement to spend six months out there, then described the events of their huge fight and the aftermath in broad strokes. Her voice stayed steady until she came to her account of discovering him and Carly in the hotel room, and Ned looked down, flushing, swiping his thumb under his nose.

"I came back here, came home," she said, her voice shaking. "And he didn't even know I was gone. And then I found out I was pregnant."

Ned had flushed angrily when she had made that dig at him about thinking she was at the Hyatt, but then Sol looked between the two of them.

"And you're still pregnant?"

Nancy nodded.

"Did the pregnancy have any influence over your decision to get back together?"

"No," Ned answered immediately, at the same time Nancy answered, "Yes."

And Ned's gaze whipped to her face, his brow furrowing.

Sol made a soft sound. "Keep going," he said.

"No, wait, _wait_ ," Ned said, his voice tense. "How was it any influence when you were actually planning to have an _abortion_ , honey?"

Nancy flushed a deep red. "Fuck you," she replied, her voice low and dangerous. "I didn't think you were coming back."

"Coming _back_? How the fuck was I supposed to come _back_ when I didn't even know where the fuck you were—"

Sol held up his hands in a stop gesture. "Is there more?" he said, his voice steady but firm.

Nancy reached up and swiped her fingertips over her cheek. Her eyes were bright with tears. "I told him that he had to choose the job or me. To move back to Illinois with me—"

"And were you even planning on doing that if I hadn't fucking called _you_ that night, Nan? I fucking _begged_ you to talk to me and you _ignored_ me for days—"

"I just needed time to come to terms with the fact that my _husband_ had been _fucking some whore_ behind my back!" she shouted at him, trembling.

Ned shook his head hard. "I didn't. I didn't, Nan—"

" _Bullshit!_ " Her hands were in tight fists on her thighs. "That is such _bullshit_. You told me six _months_ ago that you were thinking about fucking her—"

"Because you _fucking asked me point blank!_ And I was _thinking_ about it, Nan, I didn't, I _didn't_ —"

"But you would have," she said, her voice ugly. "And you would have fucking expected me to just wait at home and keep your house for you while you were with her at that fucking _apartment_ , you son of a bitch, and fucking _lying to me about it_ —"

"Like I'm the only one who's ever lied! I'm not the one who practically fucking got _engaged_ to someone else, who kept that a secret the entire fucking _summer_ , Nan! While I was working to pay for the ring on your damn finger, while I was _working_ , for _us_ —"

"How _dare you_ ," she said, standing up, her hands clenched into fists, and Ned stood too. "How _dare you_ throw that in my face, how _dare you_ pretend it's equal. It's always about _you_ , about what you're working to _earn_ , so you can get those fucking guilt gifts and pretend you aren't doing anything wrong when you're with her."

"At least she was _appreciative_ ," Ned shouted, and as soon as he heard himself say the words, he wished he could take them back—but the shock and hurt on her face, even while it made his stomach sink through the floor, gave him a slight ping of dark, ugly pleasure. "At least she was _proud_ of my work. You never gave a fuck."

"So that's what it's always been about," she retorted angrily. "Fine. You want it back, Ned? You can have it, every goddamn thing—"

"Calm down," Sol said, standing up. "Both of you. This isn't good for either one of you. Nancy, calm down."

Ned realized he was panting, his fists clenched, and they looked away from each other as they slowly sat down again. His adrenaline was up, and if they'd been alone, he didn't know if he would have just walked out or tried to scream her down. Sol slowly sat back down, looking at each of them in turn.

The apartment. The fucking apartment Carly had been encouraging him to get so they could be alone together.

Ned felt so angry, so disgusted with himself when he thought about how easily she had led him. And he had wanted her to. He had loved it.

"I'm sorry," Ned said, his voice low. "I—I didn't mean that, baby. I..."

"How the fuck am I supposed to know what you mean anymore," Nancy said, and she sounded so tired, so bone-weary. "All these things you don't mean. All these damn things you didn't mean." She swallowed hard. "All these damn sorrys don't mean a damn thing."

Ned set his jaw and ran his fingers through his hair, then glanced at Sol, who was glancing between the two of them. "I don't know what to do," he told Sol. "I don't."

Sol nodded. "I can see that. So after Nancy gave you her ultimatum, Ned...?"

Ned glanced over at his wife, who was still flushed and visibly angry. "I... I thought about what she said and then I worked my _ass_ off for the next three days, and then, once I had everything at a good point so I didn't leave everything in total chaos there, I quit my job. Because she asked me to. I came back here, because she asked me to. Because she means everything to me. And then, after I told her all that, _then_ she told me she was pregnant."

Nancy pulled in a trembling breath, but stayed silent.

Ned shook his head. "So, no. The baby wasn't a factor in my deciding that I wanted us to work this out, because I didn't even _know_ about it. But I _was_ told that we needed to go to therapy. For the sake of the child." Ned sat back, crossing his arms.

"You don't want to be in therapy," Sol said, and it wasn't a question.

Ned absently swiped his thumb just under his nose, looking away. "I want to know what the hell I have to do to fix this, when I sacrificed my _job_ —"

"And your whore?" Nancy retorted, her eyes narrowed.

Ned slapped the arm of his chair hard, biting back his immediate retort.

"Nancy, do you want to be in therapy?" Sol asked.

She nodded firmly. "I'm so mad at him," she said. "And the more I try to forget about it—I can't, I just can't, I..." She gulped in a breath edged in a sob. "We're going to be parents, and—and I can barely stand to look at him."

Sol tapped his index finger against the arm of his chair a few times. "Have you considered that it may be better for everyone involved—the child, too—if you separate?" he said.

Ned glanced over at his wife and she met his eyes for an instant before they both looked away. "I don't want to raise a child without him," she said, her voice very soft.

And that was all she said. Not that she wanted to get back to normal with him, not that she wanted to rebuild their relationship. That she wanted him around to help raise their child.

For not the first time, Ned caught himself wondering what would have happened if she hadn't found out she was pregnant—or if he hadn't called her that night, just longing to hear her prerecorded voice.

Sol dry-washed his face with his palms. "I'll take you on if you decide you want that," he said, after a silence that made Ned's heart ache. "But I need to make a few things clear before you make that decision.

"This is going to be hard. It might be one of the hardest fucking things you do in your entire life."

Nancy and Ned both glanced up at him, startled by his casual use of profanity.

Sol didn't react to their surprise. "It's going to take _work._ From both of you. And I don't put up with bullshit, either. I get that you're angry with each other. And I know that what you've just told me is the tip of the iceberg. But this is _marriage_ counseling. My goal here is to get the two of you into a more healthy relationship. It won't be perfect. It will never be the way you remember it—maybe eventually it will be _better_ , it will surely be different, but it won't be perfect, and it will never be as it was again. You need to accept that.

"Every damn morning, when you wake up and look at that other person, you're going to have to remember that you're starting over again. Every day is a fresh one, a new start, and every morning you have to look down at that ring on your finger and remember what you promised that other person. And some days it will be a miracle that you get through without killing someone. I'm not saying either of you will _ever_ forget what you're going through right now, but the important part is moving past it, and that's what we're going to work on."

Sol looked straight at Nancy. "You want to be a good mother to the child you'll have in a few months, but do you truly want to work on your marriage?"

Nancy took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes," she whispered.

"Even after what he did to you."

Ned's gaze went to Sol, his eyes widening, but Nancy nodded again. "Yes," she said even more softly.

"It sounds like you came very close to walking away from your marriage, Ned. Do you want to work on it?"

Ned nodded. "Yes," he said immediately.

"Even though it's going to be worse before it gets better? Because I can guarantee that."

Ned thought about what his wife didn't know, what he was hoping his wife would never find out, and his stomach churned with bile, but he nodded. "Yes."

"I know you two might need some time to discuss it before you make a decision about whether you want me to be your therapist..."

Nancy and Ned looked at each other, and the fact that it was a little harder for him to read her expression than it used to be made him hurt. She quirked her eyebrow up and gave Ned a little nod, and he nodded back.

"I'd—I would be grateful if you would be our therapist," Ned said.

"Me too." Nancy's voice was firm.

Sol smiled. "Okay. I only have a few rules. When you walk through that door, the lying and the bullshit? They stop. You have to be honest here or we're never going to get anywhere.

"Second, don't go to bed angry. Don't. If you have a fight, apologize to each other before you go to bed.

"Third, your relationship is between the two of you. The _two_ of you. I'm here to help, but I'm a therapist. Don't bitch and moan about what you're going through to your friends, or to sympathetic coworkers or family members. That's what you come here for. You'll just make it worse if you talk to someone else."

Ned dropped his gaze, almost afraid to look over at his wife and see her blue eyes blazing at him, after the way she had laid into him for venting to Carly.

"And, last... I want you to look at each other. Take each other's hand."

Both of them glanced up at Sol, then at each other. Nancy's hand was cool when she took Ned's, and the color was still high in her cheeks.

"What just happened between you two is one of the _worst_ things you will ever go through. And you made it. You're here and you're together. No matter what else happens, you made it through that, and that's not going to happen again. Is it."

Nancy and Ned shook their heads. "No," they both whispered.

"Good." Sol pulled out his phone. "I'd like to see you for marriage counseling once a week. Thursdays after work okay?"

Nancy nodded. "Yeah," she said, taking her hand back. "Five-thirty or quarter to six would be best for me."

"Ned?"

He shrugged. "No job," he said, trying to keep his voice even and casual. "My schedule is wide open."

Sol made a note. "Okay. First session will be Thursday at quarter to six. I'd also like to have individual sessions with each of you the week after, and we might need to do that multiple times, maybe once a month or twice a month, depending on what else is going on."

Nancy said Tuesdays would probably work for her. Ned opted for a time on Wednesdays, mid-morning. By the time they stood up to shake hands and leave, Ned felt almost exhausted, like he and Nancy actually had been fighting the whole time. But then he was sure they would have been, if Sol hadn't been there.

It took a long time for them to talk again, in the car, and the silence between them was deafening. Their kitchen still wasn't really fully stocked yet—he could remember when the pantry had contained enough food to keep them fed for a week—and when he suggested that they stop and pick up sandwiches for dinner, she just nodded. She ordered a basic grilled chicken sandwich with no sauce and hardly any toppings, even though Ned could hear her stomach growling, and Ned ordered a double bacon cheeseburger and fries. He could afford the calories; after Nancy went to work in the mornings, he went for a seven-mile run around their neighborhood. It felt good to be active again, but the run left him alone with his thoughts, with his anxiety about his unemployment, their relationship, the baby...

They sat at the table together and he watched her pick a few bites out of her sandwich, and leave most of it behind. Most of the boxes had been unpacked, and he kept hoping that once all the boxes were put away, once everything was the way it had been, maybe the tension would fade some. Or, at least, he had been hoping that before tonight.

It was going to be hard.

God. He had thought talking to Nancy in that goddamn hotel room after she had punched Carly had been the hardest thing he would ever go through, but Sol had been right. Every fucking morning she was going to wake up remembering what he had done, and he would wake up bone-weary and tired, knowing what he would have to fight through all over again.

_It will never be the way you remember it._

But that was all he wanted. He wanted his wife to look at him without that anger and wariness in her eyes anymore. He wanted her to stop tensing up every time he touched her. He wanted to wake up and see the same desire and love he had seen in her eyes when they had been together before his promotion, before California. 

But it would take time. And as much as he wanted to just forget the past few months had ever happened, he was afraid to. He had been walking so, so close to the precipice and he hadn't even realized it.

She made an excuse to stay up for a few more minutes once he said he was heading to bed, and he let her. He didn't want to push her, but he hadn't said anything, even though he was convinced that more rest would probably help with her morning sickness, with the dark shadows under her eyes. Anything he said about her working automatically turned into an attack, and he couldn't bear the thought of another argument after their preliminary therapy session.

Their bedroom still wasn't quite in order, and he tidied up a bit, hoping she would notice, before he changed for bed. She finally came upstairs about thirty minutes later, moving slowly, and she frowned when she saw him awake and sitting up on his side of the bed, the lamp on. She went through her pajama drawer and took her clothes to the bathroom, coming back dressed in flannel pants and a thin long-sleeved shirt, her nipples already peaked from the chill.

"You need me to turn the lamp off?" he asked as she slipped into bed.

She made a soft sound. "It's okay," she said. She glanced at what he was looking at, and her curiosity got the best of her.

He had a photo album open on his lap. It wasn't their large formal wedding album, or the smaller albums full of photos of them when they had first met, when they looked almost painfully young, or when he was at Emerson. It was an album full of photos from their honeymoon. Whenever they had been in public, on the tours, the beach, restaurants, everyone they had approached and asked to take their photo had obliged, and in almost every photo they were wrapped around each other, cuddled close or kissing, and such joy was shining in her eyes. His throat felt thick when he realized he couldn't remember the last time he had seen her so happy.

She reached over and touched one picture of them. Their features were barely discernible in the faint light; they were cast in near-silhouette against the setting sun, his lips pressed to her forehead.

"We were happy," she whispered, so faint he could barely hear it, and when he realized what she had said, Ned frowned.

They had been so happy together. And he had been sure that they always would be.

"Yeah," he said softly, and he flipped the page. In the first shot she was wrinkling her nose at the camera; in the second, she was leaning against him, his arm around her shoulders, her arm extended so she could shoot them both, wide grins on their faces. The background was the patio outside the house they had rented on the island. A dusting of freckles stood out on her nose.

"Marrying you was one of the happiest days of my life," he said softly.

"Mine too," she whispered.

"And our honeymoon..."

"Well, of course you loved our honeymoon," she said, a teasing note in her voice. "I finally put out."

Ned took a deep breath, then reached over to loop his arm around her shoulders, dropping a kiss on the crown of her head. "You know that wasn't it," he murmured. "Well, not all of it, anyway. Why don't you want me to see you naked anymore?"

She shifted up and away from him, her face turned so she couldn't see it, and when her voice came, she sounded miserable. "I told you," she mumbled. "You even said it. I'm... I'm ugly right now."

"I never," Ned began angrily, but he realized what she was talking about and shook his head. She was wrong, and she had been wrong before—she had put out before their honeymoon. Maybe they hadn't actually had sex until their wedding night, at least not the kind of sex that meant she had lost her virginity to him, but they had definitely learned almost everything about each other before that night.

And he was remembering one night in particular...

He swallowed hard. "Give yourself to me," he whispered, and it had been so long, so long...

When he looked at her, she was facing him, and her eyes were suddenly gleaming. "Ned," she whispered, her voice wavering a little.

"Please," he said softly.

She took a deep breath and nodded, and as soon as she did he slipped out of bed, going over to their drawer. He found a pair of padded cuffs and the key, and she shivered when she saw them, her blue eyes wide as they went from the cuffs to his face.

He put the cuffs down and pulled her shirt off, her pants, her underwear, and she drew herself up tight against the chill, covering herself. He gently took her wrists in his hands and pulled them up over her head, cuffing her to the slats of the headboard.

She closed her eyes when she saw him studying her, gazing at her. "Please don't," she whispered.

"I'm looking at my wife," he murmured. "I'm looking at my beautiful, sexy wife, the woman I love. The woman who taught me what love felt like and how amazing it could be. You're everything I have ever wanted, Nan."

She blinked hard and took a shallow trembling breath. She was frowning, and he could see such pain in her eyes.

They were only words, just words. Wasn't that what she had told him?

He touched her cheek so gently, so tenderly, really looking at her, and when their gazes met, even through the pain he could see she was in, the desire that they had shared for so long sparked in them both. And he had craved this with her, craved it so much, but it had been easier to head off the fight, to drink until the scotch made him relax, to embrace her and fumble in the dark...

And Ned took his time with her. He made love to her slowly, touching her everywhere that he knew would arouse and inflame her, fondling and suckling against her puckered nipples until she arched and sighed under him, rolling her hips. In the golden light from their bedside lamp he relearned her, savoring the taste of her, and when he slipped her legs apart and nuzzled against her sex, she panted, making soft pleading noises deep in her throat.

"My beautiful girl," he told her, and swiped his tongue against her clit as he began to work his fingers up into her sex. She sobbed quietly, her legs moving against the sheet. "My beautiful Nancy. I need you, love. I always have and I always will."

He kept stroking her, fondling her, licking and suckling against her clit until she released a broken cry, rocking her hips. When he felt her begin to tighten around his fingers, Ned pulled back, pushing his underwear off and moving between her spread thighs. Her blue eyes were shining as she looked up at him, and he fitted himself just inside her, closing his eyes in a brief fervent prayer of thanks that he could do this, that he could be with his wife without needing to use protection. The slick heat of her inner flesh felt amazing against the bare tip of his cock.

"I love you," he whispered as he pushed inside her, watching her as her eyes closed, her hips bucking up to meet his, her lips parting. "I love you, baby, and I'm so sorry I ever hurt you."

She began to cry silently, her legs up and wrapped around his waist, and he kissed her tears away as he moved inside her, his thrusts smooth and even. Her eyes were startling blue when she opened them again, gleaming and red-rimmed.

"Ned," she whispered. "Oh God..."

"You feel so good, baby. So tight and sweet and wet. Is it good for you?"

She nodded a few times. "Yes," she breathed, and when he moved inside her again she arched under him, pulling him closer, deeper inside her. "Oh God, right there, oh _God_..."

He somehow found the patience to hold out until she was bucking rhythmically against him, and both of them were panting for breath, trembling with each thrust. She let out a whimpered sob and Ned tipped his head down, needing to feel the softness of her lips against his. Her arousal still lingered on his tongue but he kissed her anyway, grasping her ass to angle her against him, their embrace growing more frantic until she was biting his lip gently and he was plunging hard into her, over and over, missing the feel of her nails digging into his back until he heard the cuffs rattle faintly over her head.

"Come, sweetheart," he panted into her ear as she rocked her hips back and forth under him. "Come, my beautiful one. You feel so fucking good, so perfect... and no one else will ever be able to make me feel this way..."

She released another sob, and another tear streaked down her cheek. "Say it," she whimpered.

"I love you," he said, then growled it directly into her ear. "I love you, Nancy. Now and forever."

"I love you," she moaned, then gasped as she finally crashed through to her orgasm, her body writhing under his, her inner flesh pulsing around him. He kept pumping inside her until she cried out, louder, louder still, until she had almost reached a full-blown scream.

He collapsed to her when he came, her legs locked around him, his lips brushing her temple. She didn't protest, but when he remembered she was pregnant, he hastily pushed himself back, stroking his palm over her smooth belly in apology. He came back from their bathroom with a hand towel to clean her up, then released the cuffs, and she seemed to curl in on herself, her body still trembling faintly from the aftershocks as he pulled the covers back for her.

He put his underwear back on before he joined her in bed, spooning up behind her, and she was curled up so tight, but she put her hand over his as he idly stroked her belly.

He kissed the tip of her ear. "My beautiful girl," he whispered, and her hand tightened against his, but she didn't respond. She didn't let him go, either.

It would take time. But he was praying Sol would be able to help them figure it out.

\--

"We're going to start with an assignment."

Sol wore a Dead Kennedys shirt and a pair of Converse sneakers for their first regular therapy session. He handed each of them a sheet of ruled paper and a pen.

"I want you to write down the problems you feel need to be addressed to get your marriage back on track."

Ned glanced up at Sol. "How many?"

"As many as there are."

"The most important ones?" Nancy asked.

"All of them," Sol repeated.

Ned sighed silently, touching the pen to paper. As far as he was concerned, what had happened with Carly was done, but Nancy clearly still wasn't over it. Ned wrote that down, then remembered Nancy calling herself ugly, then how she felt about his work—and how he felt about her own.

They worked in silence for at least ten minutes. When Ned felt he was finally finished, he silently handed Sol his sheet. His heart sank a little when he saw all that he had written, and all that Nancy was writing. Nancy took another minute to go over hers, to scribble something and scratch out something else. Then she handed it over, and Ned was reminded, bizarrely, of other lists they had exchanged, those very different circumstances.

Ned hadn't written sex on his sheet, and he wondered if Nancy had, if they were going to end up talking about some of the less conventional things they had done in bed.

Solomon took the time to read over both lists. Then he folded them together and sat back, interlacing his fingers with a smile.

"Good," he said, and the smile turned into a grin. "Now we can really begin."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 by killingstreak.

She was drowning.

The water just kept coming, wave after wave. She was struggling, struggling to keep her head up, to _just keep breathing._

Ned touched her shoulder lightly, tentatively, and her eyes popped open. The room was so dark, but she was _home_ , in Illinois, in fucking _Chicago_.

It was just a nightmare, just another fucking nightmare. Nancy took in a shuddering breath.

"Hey," Ned whispered from behind her. She felt her stomach drop as she shook her head.

_No._

She had dreamt of his words, over and over again. 

_What kind of fucking mother would you be?_

Her stomach clenched and another pair of tears slipped down her wet cheeks. She had already been crying in her sleep, sobbing quietly as she curled up to the farthest end of their bed, as far away from him as she could be.

_Sleep in the same bed, no matter what_.

She heard Solomon's cool voice in her head and she squeezed her eyes shut. Ned was here, _home_ , had quit that fucking job and was showing concern in what seemed like the first time in a million years. 

Of course, he had also just fucked— _no, made love_ — to her. She gingerly shifted her aching thighs. She had choked out an ‘I love you' and when she thought about it, her stomach still churned uneasily. He had gotten it up and she had found her release, and she felt slightly giddy at the thought that he had been completely stone-sober throughout. 

Still, every time she closed her eyes, his words came back to her. 

Ned reached for her and she made a soft sound, her hands curled into fists as she tensed. She felt him hesitate before pulling back.

Fuck.

She hated how she was around him, how she couldn't help but tense and go on high alert each time he so much as _breathed_ in her direction. She was itching for a fight and yet she was so tired, so incredibly fucking tired and weary of it. It was never going to end, this fucking pain was never going to end. She felt so fucking _bitter_ at how things had turned out between them. 

He almost slept with Carly. That fucking bitch, who practically had the word ‘slut' tattooed across her forehead. That fucking plastic bitch who tried to seduce Ned, to make him fall into her little fucking whore trap, and _he had_. Ned, _her_ sweet, loving, _faithful_ Ned had fallen for Carly's smooth purr and bedroom eyes, and the thought of it made Nancy's heart ache so much that she had to choke down a sob.

Ned, who she never thought in a million years would _ever_ cheat on her, _had._

If the hotel receptionist hadn't been as cooperative, if she had just taken ten minutes longer to wheedle out the room number…

Tears welled up under her eyelids as she tried to force it back down.

Oh god. 

Maybe she just might have walked in straight on them fucking, would have seen Ned fucking that slut, his cock deep in her pussy, oh god, she was going to be _sick_ – 

Nancy pushed herself out of bed and Ned sat up, alarmed, as she raced to the bathroom.

"Baby?" Ned stepped into the bathroom cautiously and found Nancy on the floor, her head bowed over the toilet seat.

_You'll never be a good mother._

She thought back on all the mornings she had spent heaving every single morsel of food she had painstakingly forced down her throat back up again – all the morning sickness she had suffered alone while Ned was probably flirting with _Carly_ – and she heaved again, her throat burning and her eyes watering.

It was like a fucking slap to her face. 

How _dare_ he. 

How dare he say such a thing when he was screwing around behind her back? 

_But I didn't. We didn't._

Ned took another tentative step towards her and she was once again reminded of how fragile they were. Before, he would have come to her, held her hair back for her and rubbed her back.

She was carrying _his_ child. She was throwing up because of his child, and Ned was rooted to the spot. Nancy impatiently swiped at her streaming eyes as she groped blindly for a tissue to wipe her mouth.

"Here." Ned found his voice at last as he passed one to her. She silently thanked him, her head bowed, her eyes rimmed red.

She didn't want to meet his gaze. Part of her felt sick every time she slid into bed with him. Another part of her felt even more disgusted that she had allowed him to sleep with her again, even after she had found out what he was doing.

Like everything was okay again. 

_Sex as a band-aid._ She had known that they were using it that way, for a long time now, but the sex had been good and when they were both exhausted and spent, it was so much easier to forget everything, to sweep every single problem under the carpet and just _love_. 

And now it wasn't. She splashed water onto her face and gasped at how cold it felt against her burning cheeks. When she opened her eyes again, she caught Ned staring at her through the reflection of the mirror.

His eyes. They were red too.

He swallowed and she wanted to tear her gaze away because _fuck_ , it hurt, it ripped her heart apart every single time because every second she spent looking at this man she had married, she was reminded of every single fucking lie he had told her.

Unblinkingly. One lie after another.

Or just truths he hadn't given voice.

_Still a lie_ , her inner voice snarled and she couldn't take his gaze on her any longer.

"I'm sorry," Ned whispered. She closed her eyes as something inside her snapped for the millionth time. She was naked and the chill of the bathroom was starting to get to her, along with her self-consciousness about being exposed in front of him. Why was she giving him the opportunity to mentally contrast her with _Carly?_ She had no curves, every single curve straightened by her severe diet and exercise. Only her belly was curved now, just slightly, but she was so slender she didn't even know if that small bump was their child or her dinner. Oh god, she was ugly, so thoroughly ugly.

She could never compete with Carly, or to the other girls Ned never confessed to her about, the ones who had undoubtedly been throwing themselves at him every time her back was turned. The ones she just didn't know about yet. The ones he had been attracted to because he hadn't found his wife attractive anymore.

"I'm sorry I'm so ugly," Nancy replied, her voice cracking as she shouldered past him towards her wardrobe.

Ned was shaking his head as Nancy clumsily pulled out an oversized shirt and yanked it on, breathing a little easier as it covered her, shielding him from the wretched sight of her. "Babe," Ned pleaded and when she turned to face him, she was appalled that her cheeks were wet again.

He touched her and she shrank back, even though her gaze still fell to his navel.

What was he feeling? What was he thinking each time he looked at her? Was he thinking of _her, of Carly,_ as he made love to his wife?

It was worse than when she hadn't known, this torment she was putting herself through. She would never shake it off. Could never.

 She slipped into bed and he waited a beat before she felt the bed sink under his weight. He was near, but he didn't put his arms around her. Even though her skin crawled at the thought of contact with his, even though she hated herself for it, lying in bed beside him without touching him made her feel almost as lonely as she had in their bed in California—but the man beside her wasn't the one she was missing. The man beside her was a stranger now.

"Tell me what to do," Ned whispered. Nancy shook her head, her fist stuffed in her mouth to muffle her cries.

They were broken, so utterly fucking broken that she couldn't believe anything could work ever again.

\--

They were in the middle of their next therapy session when Ned excused himself for a moment, and Nancy felt a little of the tension drain out of her once her husband was out of the room. She opened her tight fist, flexing her fingers; they felt cramped from the strain, and the back of her neck ached.

Solomon turned toward her, and Nancy met his gaze with a sigh. He had promised to fix them, to help them try to find their way back to a more solid relationship.

"Do you honestly believe your marriage can be saved, Nancy?" Solomon asked, in the same calm, even tone he had used during the rest of their session.

Nancy might have the best poker face in town—it had saved her life countless times before—but she knew he could see the doubt and resignation in her eyes. She dropped her gaze as she twisted her fingers together.

"No." Just admitting it tightened her stomach into knots. 

"Then there's no point in coming anymore." 

Nancy looked up, her eyes wide.

"I can only help those who want to be helped. You sound resigned, Nancy. And Ned definitely fucked up, there's no doubt about that, but are you going to hang everything on one stupid mistake?"

"It's not just a stupid mistake. He almost _slept with her_!" Nancy protested, and her eyes pricked. Saying it still hurt, every time. The magnitude of his betrayal was unimaginable, unfathomable. 

"But he didn't." 

Nancy flared a little. "That's what _he_ says. Who the fuck knows what's true anymore?"

"Because when you come in here, _there are no more lies,_ " Solomon said, emphasizing every word. Nancy felt a slight shiver slide down her spine as he held her gaze.

"And I believe Ned. Just as I believe you, Nancy. And maybe I can never understand exactly how you feel right now, but I can guess. You feel like you are the victim and _you are_ , but you have to be fair to Ned too. He is also a victim, and I know how you might bitch and say he brought it all upon himself, _and damn right he did_ , but you can't erase all the good he's done all these years just because he fucked up once.

"Choose to stay with him for all the good he has done in the twelve years you've been together, and don't throw in the towel just because of that one mistake."

"I'm trying, but I don't know how." Nancy heard the door hinge creak as Ned rejoined them. "I thought I wanted this, I thought counseling and just _time_ would help, would make me forget, but every single time I look at him, I can't. I can't forget, I just can't fucking forget." She looked up and oh, the pain on Ned's face pierced her heart, made her throat suddenly thick with tears.

She loved him. So damn fucking much and he nearly threw it all away.

"Why?" Nancy choked and Ned shook his head mutely. "Why? Why wasn't I enough?"

"Baby, please…"

"I moved, Ned, I fucking left everyone I loved and _followed_ you there and it wasn't enough, oh no, I wasn't enough." She sniggered and she saw Ned stiffen, his retort on the tip of his tongue, all curled and ready to spring out at her. She realized that she actually felt some warped thrill of _pleasure_ each time she picked a fight with him.

Her distaste for him just seemed to grow every single fucking second. It felt like each time she stepped in here, the scabs came off and her wounds were rubbed fresh again. It was poisonous, and yet terrifyingly intoxicating, to fling the horrible truth right back in his face and watch him try to argue his way out.

Because that was what he had done best for so long, wasn't it? Argue and lie his filthy way out. 

_There's nothing between us, baby._

_Why can't you be like the other wives? Who the_ fuck _wouldn't want a Cartier bracelet? Do you even know how much it fucking cost?_

"Nancy." Solomon's voice cut through her thoughts. He was standing between the two of them, like a referee between boxers circling each other in a ring. There was so much blood in the water she could practically smell it.

"You're acting crazy," Ned muttered quietly, but loud enough for her to make out. Nancy glared at him, fire in her icy blue eyes.

" _I_ 'm crazy?" she repeated, so incredulous that she had to laugh. If _she_ had done the same thing, if he had caught her in someone else's bed, if it had been her—

_Ben_.

—Ned would lose his _shit_ , Ned would do more than just punch that guy in the face, would rip him into half, would—

_Ben, Ben,_ Ben.

And she _had._ She had done the same fucking thing as him, she had allowed herself to be led into his bed, had almost—

"You weren't perfect either, sweetheart." Ned sneered as if he could almost read her mind, could almost see the guilt and anger in her, bitter in her mouth. And maybe he still could pick up on her feelings, even after everything, and tears pricked her eyes as she remembered how close they once were.

_And I'll have a –_

_– Double cheeseburger with no pickles, she told the waiter, smiling, and Ned was grinning when she looked at him._

_How did you know, babe?_

_Because you're so predictable, she had cooed, fluttering her eyelashes at him. He had laughed, looping his arm about her waist and pulling her close to him, breathing her in._

_You smell nice, they both said at the same time._

_Jinx, they chimed in unison and he was so_ familiar _, he was almost a part of her._

"It only happened because you were never there," Nancy whispered. Saying it just made everything ten times worse. She had been fighting it for so long, never quite believing it when the small nasty voice in her head told her again, but Ned had been neglecting her since she moved to Los Angeles, and it probably just boiled down to the fact that he didn't love her like he used to.

Which was worse, really—to have once been loved, or to have never been loved at all?

She looked at Ned. He might have grown distant, become an entirely different man than the one she had married, but when he was like _this_ , when she caught him vulnerable, she could still read everything he was feeling on his face. 

She had felt that exact same expression cross her face when she entered that hotel room.

He hadn't thought that she could possibly have met someone. But then she hadn't believed that he would ever take things that far with Carly, either.

"What?" Ned whispered, his voice so small.

Solomon wasn't there anymore, not to Nancy. Her vision was tunneling to just Ned, this shell of the man she had married and sworn to cherish forever.

_Forever is a long time_.

"I was so lonely," she gasped. It felt pathetic, starting off with what seemed like just another excuse, even to her own ears.

Ned raised his eyebrow just a fraction. Fuck, that hurt, how blank and frozen his expression became.

_Why aren't you hurting with me_ , she wanted to scream. She wanted to rail at him, hit his chest until he held her as she collapsed under the weight of her own tears. Instead she crushed that tiny bit of her that still traitorously ached for his touch, and soldiered on. 

"You say I didn't try to make friends, didn't try to adapt, never wanted to be there with you, but I did, I fucking _tried_. You couldn't see it because you were too busy at work. Making calls, working on your fucking presentations, pleasing clients, pleasing everyone, worried about everyone but me. And I kept so quiet all this time because I wanted to be there for you and I kept my end of the bargain, Ned, I fucking tried until I _couldn't_. I tried making small talk with all the other wives because I wanted _you_ to fit in with the rest, to make you proud, and every single day you came back in tired and preoccupied and I just _missed_ you. 

"And if I tried to tell you, you'd brush me aside like I didn't matter, and you and your goddamn job were all that was important, and shit, and it was like I couldn't get to you at all." Tears were slipping down her cheeks and she didn't bother hiding them as she looked at him in the eye.

"You have no idea," Nancy whispered, her voice entirely too steady for how she felt, "you have no fucking idea how I felt. You looked at me but you didn't _see_ me. Did I gain ten pounds or age five years somehow over the flight out there? I felt like _garbage_ , felt like pure utter shit compared to everyone else, and you, my _husband_ , you were supposed to be there, but the whole entire time I felt nothing. _Nothing_. If anything, it was the knowledge that you were slipping through my fingers and it scared me. It fucking scared me when Carly showed up and _god,_ I hate that bitch, I _fucking hate that bitch_ and then it seemed like I was going to lose you anyway."

"It wasn't—" Ned cut in, his brow furrowed and his posture defensive, but she held her hand up, cutting him off.

"And _Ben_ , he actually made me feel beautiful again, and don't get me wrong, Nickerson, don't you _dare_ use this against me, I only felt like this because _you_ weren't there. You pushed me away. You closed me off, and when we had sex, you were _always_ drunk, and you know I always wanted a baby, fuck, _you_ wanted a baby too, but no, now it was just me, just your crazy batshit wife trying to fuck her husband so she could keep him obligated to her. It _hurt_ , it hurt so much, knowing that you didn't want me anymore, that I wasn't attractive to you anymore, that I was just a hindrance to your career, a fucking burden. I should have just walked away, I should have, oh _god_ , and now we have a child and fuck, I never should have gotten pregnant, I can never leave this behind because I will look at this child and think of you every day."

Nancy sank down onto the chair. It felt so good to let it out, this fear that had been growing steadily inside her. They would have a loveless marriage if he just stayed with her for the sake of their child, if they just tried to ignore everything that had gone so terribly wrong between them.

"I should never have gotten pregnant," Nancy whispered, hugging her knees. 

\--

Ned looked at Solomon, alarmed. Solomon merely shook his head, and Ned went to her and knelt down in front of her.

"Nancy," Ned whispered as he tilted his head, trying to catch her eye. She shook her head, averting his gaze.

"I thought I needed you to raise a child, but I don't want _this_ , I don't want to trap him in a loveless family."

"It's not loveless," Ned whispered, pained, as he tentatively placed a hand on her arm. "Please baby, _please._ I love you." He had tears in his eyes too. "I love you so very much, Nan, please just let me show you again."

He got up on his knees and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms tight around her. She was sobbing so hard that Ned could feel her entire body quivering. She still felt too skinny in his arms, and Ned wondered again how he hadn't noticed her wasting away right in front of him, right beside him.

He pulled back gently and tilted her face up so he could look into it. With a pang, he saw the dark circles under her eyes, the way her cheeks had sunken in. She looked so damn sad and defeated that Ned felt his heart ache and his throat constrict. 

"I can't trust you, I can never trust you again." 

The tears streaking down his wife's cheeks were his fault, and Ned railed at himself for being so utterly fucking stupid, for falling—no, for so foolishly giving in to his lust—for Carly. That woman could _never_ hold a torch to his wife, the strong, fiery, passionate woman he had married.

And he had destroyed her with his own hands. His decision to turn his back on her had torn her apart and left her broken and shattered and miserable. 

The last time he had seen her anywhere near this upset, she had been too late tracking down a suspect who had attacked a handful of innocent bystanders in a gas station. She had been inconsolable, blaming herself for overlooking a small detail that could have possibly put him away earlier and averted the tragedy. 

Ned had held her in his arms that very night, stroked her hair until her breathing had evened, her fists still clutching the fabric of his shirt. He had sworn, that very night, to do everything in his power to make sure she never felt that way again.

But he had broken his word, and it was so much worse knowing that he was the one who had pulled the trigger, who had personally delivered the blow. And knowing that another man had been there waiting to catch her, to hold her in _his_ arms, murmuring soothing words as he stroked her hair—

The jealousy rising thick in Ned's throat threatened to suffocate him.

"Tell us about Ben." Solomon's voice was even and neutral, miles away from the quivering rage Ned was feeling. 

Nancy looked up almost dreamily as she swiped at her eyes. She hadn't bothered with makeup, so no mascara streaked her cheeks, no concealer carefully obscured the purple half-moons under her eyes.

"He was charming," Nancy murmured, her pink tongue darting out to moisten her lips. Away from the chaos and ditzy distractions of Los Angeles, despite the wrecked state of their marriage, Ned found that he was falling in love with her all over again. He found the act entirely sensual and wondered, insanely jealous, if she had kissed Ben.

"He was so handsome and he was my contact in the LAPD and it was such a relief, to be with someone who actually liked who I really was and what I do for a change." Ned winced when he heard her subtle dig at him. "I didn't have to talk about how much my husband donated at the latest charity ball, or how I had a new expensive toy or piece of jewelry to flaunt or just how fucking fake I was, and I felt like I finally found a _friend_. He was Bess and George to me, and because I could _never_ talk about my cases with Ned, I went to Ben and he _listened._ He actually did. He listened and he gave me advice and when I needed someone with me, he was there for backup. Did I know that he was interested in me? Hell yes. I knew, and it was flattering, especially when I had a husband at home who sure as hell wasn't interested in me anymore.

"I felt fat. I felt like I was fat and ugly and just completely unattractive," Nancy continued in a low voice. Ned's heart broke as he saw her whisper, her face frozen. "I blamed myself. I blamed myself for losing the affection of my husband, for not being enough. So I tried. I watched every single thing I ate, I wore makeup everywhere around him because my bare face was definitely hideous. I bought lingerie and tried to cook dinner but I couldn't gain back his love. I wasn't worthy of it because I wasn't good enough. And Ben came along, and he was _everything_ I loved about Ned. He listened, he was funny, he was nice and he was always there for me. I needed someone. I had absolutely no one. I left home to be with my husband and best friend and he had forsaken me."

She rubbed at her eyes. God, she was so tired and her eyes ached so much from crying. She had no more tears left in her; she was hollow, spent. There was nothing left in her to feel.

"Ben made me feel wanted again. Maybe loved?" Nancy mused, her lips turning up in a self-deprecating smile. "If I was even capable of being loved still. I was a wreck and he took me in, and gave me comfort at my lowest point."

"Was he using you?" Solomon probed quietly and Nancy blinked. "You were so depressed, and he took an interest in you. Did he know how vulnerable you were?"

"Maybe," Nancy shrugged, her chin tilted high. "What did it matter? The guy I loved didn't love me anymore. I wasn't getting pregnant. With every passing day, it just felt like I was waiting for Ned to come home and tell me to leave."

"I would never tell you to leave," Ned said, his voice firm.

"Maybe," Nancy repeated again, chuckling sardonically. "But I'm pregnant now and you definitely want the baby even if you don't want me."

"Nancy," Ned snarled in warning, his temper flaring. _She_ had made him feel like perfect total shit over Carly while she'd actually had someone else on the sidelines. So she wasn't little miss innocent the way she had portrayed herself to be. Had she been thinking about Ben the way Ned had caught himself thinking about Carly?

Solomon held up his hand. Ned took the hint and settled back down, forcing down the lump in his throat. He was doing this for them, for their child. Their child was supposed to be an expression of their love, and she wished it gone.

He had fucked up. He had let the heady taste of success get to him.  He knew he had dealt the most terrible blow to their relationship, but she definitely played a part, and he was sick of her pretending that she hadn't, especially now.

"How far did you go with Ben?" Ned heard Solomon ask, and his entire being stiffened.

"I was _married_ ," Nancy retorted sharply, and Ned didn't miss the dirty look she shot in his direction. 

"So you're saying you didn't reciprocate anything Ben felt for you?"

Nancy shook her head. "I loved Ned. I was still clinging onto the hope that he would come back to me one day, if I did the right things. It was stupid and naive. But still, I didn't want to do anything to hurt Ned. I _couldn't_. I was his, and it just felt wrong." She ducked her head and swiped at her eyes again. Ned wanted to get down onto his knees again and just beg for her forgiveness.

"And then I found him in a _hotel room_ with Carly," Nancy spat out. Ned shrank in his seat, recoiling from the venom dripping from her voice. "And I thought, fuck it, you know what, I was Ned's if he was mine. But he wasn't mine anymore, at least he didn't think so, or maybe his _dick_ didn't think so anymore, and if he was fucking around behind my back… Two can play at that game, and Ben was more than ready to help me. And how did his dick feel? It was _great,_ it was amazing."

Ned's mouth dropped open and he looked at her in utter disbelief. " _What the fuck_ ," Ned bellowed, and he couldn't remember ever, _ever_ feeling this angry. "What the fuck, Nancy?"

He looked at Solomon, who had half-risen from his chair. "I didn't have sex with Carly but my _wife_ fucked another guy!"

"So you know how it feels!" Nancy hollered back, her voice thin and shrill. "To walk in and see my _husband_ , practically getting a fucking _blowjob_ from some fucking _slut_!"

" _You slept with him!_ I never did cross that fucking line!" Ned spat back, and he was burning, his world spinning entirely too fast. Nancy was his. Even if he had ignored her, she was _never_ supposed to go to another man.

_Fucking hypocrite_ , a voice cut through his thoughts. _You_ are _her husband. You weren't supposed to go to Carly either._

"So a blowjob is entirely okay, isn't it, baby?" Nancy sneered, and he couldn't recognize this version of her. She was a total stranger. "Do I have to remind you how close you were to fucking her?"

"But I _fucking_ didn't! For all the times you keep throwing it in my face, _I wish I fucking had!_ " Ned yelled back. When he blinked, shuddering, he saw her eyes fill with tears again.

"I didn't sleep with him," she whispered, curling even tighter in her chair. "I couldn't do it to you, even though you hurt me so much. Even if you didn't care, _I_ did. Even if you were willing to throw away everything we had for someone else, I wasn't. I _couldn't_. Until we separated, I was still your wife. I _am_ still your wife even if you wish I wasn't anymore."

"How do I know you didn't sleep with him?" Ned asked. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Solomon shake his head, his fingers steepled under his chin. 

Nancy looked up, shaking her head in complete disbelief. "You are impossible, Ned Nickerson. How do _I_ know _you_ didn't sleep with _her_?"

He faltered and she graced him with a sad smile.

"See?"

Ned shook his head. "Because I," he began, but every word on the tip of his tongue was dynamite. Because he had somehow managed to stay out of Carly's bed even when they were both coked up? Nancy wouldn't respond well to that. Not at all.

"Because we said it, no more lies, Nan. No more lies. And yet you were keeping this from me. I was going out of my _mind_ that night, looking everywhere for you, I even fucking tracked your car because I was so afraid you were too upset to be driving and you might have been in a wreck—and I didn't understand why the trace was telling me you were parked in front of an apartment house."

All the color drained out of his wife's face.

"And what would I have found if I'd gone up to this asshole's apartment, huh?" Oh, oh fuck, all the old rage was coming back, all the rage he made himself feel when he'd found out she was with other guys, because rage was better than the terrible heartache. This was as familiar as an old glove, this sneering, telling jealousy. "You made me tell you _every_ goddamn thing, Nan. _Every_ damn thing. So go ahead."

Solomon cleared his throat, but Nancy's eyes were blazing. "I don't think you can handle it," she told him, her fingers gripping hard against the arms of the chair. "Because I have shit in my head now I can _never_ unsee, thanks to you. Do you really want to hear that I was so sure, so _fucking_ sure we were over, that I took these rings off my finger?" She held her left hand up, and Ned felt all the blood drain out of his face in one swift fall, so quickly that when it rushed back in a roar of anger, his head spun. "That I wanted to hurt you—I wanted to hurt you the way you had just hurt me. I wanted to burn it all down, Ned. I wanted to break it until you couldn't hurt me anymore."

"So you went over there to fuck this guy." Ned's voice was low and dangerous.

She shook her head, her eyes shimmering as the color rose even higher in her cheeks. "I went there because _I had no one else! No one!_ You had just _broken_ all our fucking vows and I didn't want to be alone, to just think about it—"

"And that makes it okay!" Ned rose from his chair, his fists clenched.

And Nancy screamed. She screamed in rage and frustration, standing too, and Ned was only distantly aware that Solomon was standing too. " _Nothing you did to me was okay! Nothing!_ How the fuck _dare you_ attack me after what you did! You spineless fucking son of a bitch, at least he could get it up for me—"

Ned had thought he knew what temptation was. He had thought he had. He had no idea what it was until he brought his hand back and instead of slapping his wife, he caught the arm of his chair and slammed it hard into the floor, his jaw tight, all of him quivering with rage.

"Fuck you."

"But you _wouldn't_." The manic glee in her eyes was so, so ugly. "And he wanted me. He wanted to fuck me. I was the one who kissed him _first_ , Ned. _I_ did it. I wanted to see how easy it was, how easy it had been for you to break everything we had—" She cut herself off with a sob.

"And when he put his hands on me, when he took my shirt off, my bra off, when I felt his breath on my skin, I kept thinking— _this is what he did. This is what my husband just did with someone else._ And maybe, just _maybe_ you'd try to beg your way back in, but if Ben and I had sex? It was over. You wouldn't take me back, after that."

Ned was panting. "Did he get your pants off?" he asked, and his voice trembled slightly.

Nancy shook her head. "But he touched me there, over my jeans, the same way I touched him when he put my hand against his pants, between his legs—"

Ned felt like he was going to come out of his fucking skin. He was going to get on the next fucking plane to Los Angeles and tear this asshole apart—but God, oh _God_ , what she was saying...

"And he put his mouth on my breasts, baby. Told me he'd always known I would feel good under him."

And he wanted to kill her. He wanted to tear her apart. He wanted to _hurt her._

The same way she was hurting him. The same way she had been hurting that night.

"And then he fucking went to his room and brought back condoms and lube—and I looked at him, looked at this guy, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Because I loved you too much."

Ned's sight was wavering, and when he blinked, a tear streaked down his cheek. "And that's what I did—"

Nancy shook her head so hard her red-gold hair flew. "It wasn't. Because I would never have gone to Ben that night if you hadn't been with Carly. I would never have walked into the kind of situation that would have broken our marriage unless you had broken it first." She studied him, and Ned was going cold now, over the rage. He felt stunned, numb.

"And the way you feel right now, Ned? That hurt and betrayal? That was what I wanted." She reached up and swiped at her wet cheek with the cuff of her sleeve. "But it didn't take a goddamn knock at the door to stop me. It took knowing the way you'd feel right now. It's just that that wasn't enough to stop _you_."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by killingstreak and ndnickerson.

Ned knew he was on autopilot. There was no other fucking way he could possibly be so calmly driving the car back to their house after what she had told him and their therapist.

She had been _with_ someone else. Come so, so fucking close to sleeping with him.

His wife. _His_ wife. Some other man's hands on his wife, his mouth on her breasts, stroking her between her legs, getting a fucking _condom_...

And Ned couldn't believe it, he couldn't fucking believe it, but that old fear came back. He stood at the altar and swore to be faithful to her forever, and she swore the same to him, and he had believed it, even while he had known that so, so many times during their relationship, she had been drawn to other men. Dated them, spent time with them, kissed them, then confessed—confessed to some of them, anyway.

Ned had tried to believe that it was over. She was his and he hers, and that was it, that was everything...

And then Carly had come along.

Only his guilt restrained him. Some of what she had said had rung so terribly true with him. He had left her alone so many nights, working, going out to entertain clients and feeling exhilarated at the prospect of seeing Carly, of being able to score again. Avoiding Nancy, avoiding the guilt and anger she provoked in him.

But he had had no idea. No fucking idea at all.

On the way home Ned stopped at the most convenient grocery store, and he didn't even bother asking her if she wanted anything before he went inside and bought a six-pack, barely exchanging pleasantries with the clerk before he swiped his debit card and took the beer out to the car. He hadn't wanted the temptation in the house; he had wanted to show her that he'd changed.

Well, tonight, if he didn't have a beer to get through it, he wasn't sure how it would even be possible. And if she begrudged him that, well, she could just go to hell as far as he was concerned.

His _wife._

He didn't care that she was obviously crying when he pulled into their garage. Maybe she felt sorry _now_ , but so did he...

Ned took a deep breath, reminding himself of what she had said during their session. She had been alone, feeling neglected, but so had he...

And yet, he hadn't known. He had been so wrapped up in the promise of Carly that he hadn't realized, hadn't known.

He parked the car and they both sat there silently for a moment, Ned seething with anger and hurt. God, he wanted to hurt her... but he already had.

They both had.

\--

Nancy frowned as she keyed into the garage door of their house, letting her messenger bag drop to the crook of her elbow. Her stomach was growling, but she was too upset to really think about eating. Even so, her glance gravitated to their refrigerator. Even if she wasn't hungry, as she had been told over and over, she needed to eat for the baby.

The baby. That small, faint connection between them.

Every time she felt her husband's gaze land on her, Nancy felt herself flinch. She wanted him to take her in his arms and hold her, begging her forgiveness; she wanted him to lash out at her, to hurt her, to express the anger he had shown in Sol's office. She knew he was angry, and she had wanted that. She had wanted him hurting. She had wanted him so far gone that there would be no return.

And now she had to live with that. If that was the choice he made, so be it. He had come back to her and the knowledge of what had happened with Ben had burned in her. And now he knew.

And it would be so, so much easier if he just walked away. She remembered very vividly Ned telling her that another incident of infidelity would be the last straw, that he had forgiven her all the times he had ever intended to.

Well, she had never expected him to cheat on _her_ , either.

Nancy sniffled, combing her hair back out of her face, as her husband came into the house carrying the six-pack, the glass bottles clinking against each other. That sound made her shudder, too. At least he hadn't stopped for a bottle or two of scotch.

And she supposed he would want her to feel grateful for that fact, too.

She opened the refrigerator and Ned glanced past her, putting the beers in the door. She watched to see if he would take one, and relaxed marginally when he didn't. "I can heat up the grill, if you want," he said, and it was the first word either of them had said to each other since leaving Sol's office.

"Sure," she murmured, pulling out the package of chicken breasts.

She left him to handle dinner as she went upstairs, changing into flannel pants and a threadbare t-shirt. She took her time, and as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail, then bathed her red-rimmed eyes and flushed face with cold water, she wondered if she would find him on his second beer by the time she made it downstairs.

She would drink too, if she could—if Ned hadn't managed, against all odds, to knock her up. She would drink until all of it faded, until it stopped hurting quite so much.

_When it hurts more to be with someone than without them, you have to let them go._

Sol would tell her to give it time. She just couldn't imagine a day when she would be able to look into his eyes and not remember the shocked guilt on his face in that hotel room. When he would walk out of her sight and she wouldn't wonder what lies he would tell her when he returned.

"Nan, it's ready!"

Nancy's stomach was knotted tense when she came downstairs in her socks, her arms wrapped around her belly. All their furniture was back, the living room almost exactly the way she remembered it; the television was the bigger model he had bought in California, and their old one was up in their bedroom now. And yet everything felt different. The house felt empty, cold, in a way she couldn't quite explain.

Because she remembered this place as full of love, and it no longer was. They were only afraid, tentative and angry. Neither of them wanted to fully commit to something so broken and painful, and she knew he felt the same way, no matter what he said. How could he trust her when every time she woke, it was a struggle to remember why she was even trying anymore?

How could he trust her, especially now?

As she saw the table set for their dinner, with grilled chicken and a simple salad, a reheated container of his mother's mashed potatoes, she gave him a tentative smile. He had set a place for her, drawn her a glass of water.

An open bottle of beer was at his place.

Nancy pulled in a deep breath, then sat down in her seat. He served her a piece of perfectly grilled chicken, passing her the mashed potatoes, and when she served her salad, he asked which dressing she wanted, pushing back his chair to bring it to her.

She had just taken the third bite of her meal when Ned took the first pull from the longneck.

Ned had always enjoyed drinking, ever since he had been at Emerson. His usual beer with dinner, maybe one or two after—it wasn't that she had _liked_ that he was drinking, but she had put up with it. He hadn't done it to the point of oblivion, just to relax. When he was out with the guys, with Mike and Howie, his other friends, it had just been what they did. She hadn't liked it, but she had accepted it.

Now, though—now she hated the taste of it on his tongue, the smell of it on his breath. It reminded her too much of the way he had been acting in California. Too much of the reason she had left. He wasn't himself when he was drunk, and he had been drunk all the time, and seeing him like this made her stomach tighten. She was reminded uncomfortably of the night of their terrible fight, and she wondered if tonight would end the same way, with plates smashed against the wall, screaming until her throat hurt, sobbing herself to sleep.

Ned glanced over at her. "It's my first one of the day," he said, and his voice sounded neutral; she didn't know if she was reading the accusatory tone into it, or not.

The first. He had five more to go, and car keys to get more if he so chose.

He wasn't the man she had married anymore, and she had to accept that. She had wished, so fervently prayed, that being in Chicago would bring him back to her, but he wasn't Ned anymore. He was a man who would drink until he could do terrible things to her, to betray her...

Nancy looked down at her plate, the food turning to ash in her mouth. He had come back to her. God, that was supposed to be enough.

"Oh, really?"

She was trying to make her tone neutral too, but when Ned looked up at her, his jaw was tight. "Yes, really," he replied, his right hand curving into a fist. "After this afternoon you really want to pick a fight about it?"

"How is this me _picking a fight_ when I'm not the one with a _goddamn DUI—_ "

Ned slammed his fist on the table. "I swear to God, if you weren't pregnant—"

Nancy stood up, unheeding as her chair tipped back behind her, the back slamming loudly against the floor. She was pleased to see Ned flinch as it did. "If I weren't pregnant _what?_ " she demanded, her own hands clenching into fists.

Ned shook his head, rapidly wiping his mouth with his napkin before he stood up too. "Then I wouldn't have your fucking crazy _hormones_ to blame for this," he replied, his voice hard. He picked up his plate and carried it to the sink, letting it clatter against the countertop.

And she was waiting for it. She had been waiting for it since he had come so close to slapping her when she had taunted him about Ben being able to get it up for her. She had been waiting for him to explode, to put his hands on her. To be that cold bastard he had been to her in California.

To show some fucking reaction, anything at all. Any fucking thing at all.

"Are you really going to do this?" she demanded, her voice shaking.

"Do what, Nancy?" he asked, turning back to her, his arms crossed. "Come home and have a civilized dinner with my wife? Or at least try to."

"Come home and pretend everything is fucking _okay_ ," she said, her voice rising.

"You mean like you've been doing?" he countered, taking a few measured steps toward her. "You mean like how I quit my job for you, left _everything_ behind, everything I worked so hard to earn for us, and you can't even get through dinner without giving me a hard fucking time?"

She frowned, her sight shimmering before she blinked and sent another pair of tears down her cheeks. "And you hate me for that," she said, her voice ugly. "For that, and..."

Ned shook his head. "If I hated you, Nancy, I wouldn't have come _here_. I wouldn't have quit my goddamn job and given up all the good things I had out there. I would have given you the fucking divorce you seem to want so much. But then, after what I heard this afternoon, right _now_... yeah. I do hate you. I do fucking hate you."

"For making you give up your _whore_ ," she countered, taking a step toward him, and relishing the anger she could see written plain on his face. Anger was so much easier. Anger was familiar. The hurt was familiar. "I guess it wasn't fun anymore when you didn't have to sneak around behind my back, huh."

"For the last _fucking_ time, I didn't _fuck her,_ for fuck's sake!" Ned picked up Nancy's plate and practically flung it into the sink, and while she didn't hear it break, it was a miracle that it stayed intact. And the sound galvanized her. God, she hated him. She hated him so much for doing this to her. "But you keep talking about it so much that I think you _wanted_ me to. So you wouldn't feel so guilty about this _Ben_ asshole. And once I find out his goddamn last name, I'm going to _end him_ , and oh, God—"

"Like I don't feel the same way about your whore too," Nancy snapped. "It was _one night_ with Ben, and Carly—I don't even know how many fucking times, how many hotel rooms you were in with her, even after I told her, warned her to keep her hands off you—"

And Nancy was racked with sobs, thinking of it again. The stricken look on her husband's face told her far, far more than he wanted it to.

She needed to know. She _needed_ to. And it would kill her when she did.

Ned shook his head. "And I had no idea," he said, his tone unspeakably bitter. "No fucking idea. So all those nights..."

"All those nights you were with her," Nancy said, wiping her face, trying to make the tears stop, unsuccessfully. "When I was alone. When all I wanted was my husband to come home to me. Ben was interested in me. He wanted to spend time with me—at work, after work. And he wasn't you, but I couldn't have you anymore, could I."

"You could have."

" _How?_ " she shot back, pulling out one of the other seats at the table so she could sit down. "Tell me how. When you begrudged every fucking second we were around each other."

"Because you fucking _hated me_ and you didn't make any secret of it," Ned shot back, and took another pull of his beer. "Because it just turned into a fucking _schedule_ for sex and why you weren't pregnant yet and nothing, not a goddamn thing, I was doing being good enough for you." He snorted. "And of course it wasn't, when you had this asshole flirting with you on the side."

"Because _you_ were such a fucking saint," she returned.

"And you sanctimonious bitch, claiming _you_ were," he shouted, his face twisted in anger. "A lie of omission is still a goddamn lie, Nancy. And I know that better than anyone." He shook his head. "And I'm really supposed to believe that you saw reason while you were... letting some..." Ned's hand was shaking as he gripped the beer bottle, taking another long pull, then licked his lips. "Letting some asshole put his hands all over you. At least _that time_ it wasn't just for a job."

Nancy flushed scarlet immediately, her eyes blazing, and she whipped her hand back to draw her palm in a hard slap across his rage-twisted face, but he managed to grab her wrist first. She struggled, and the scent of the beer, on his breath and from the bottle, just made her feel even more panicked.

"Fuck you," she snarled.

He snickered. "Really, sweetheart," he growled. "Such ugly words to come out of the mouth of the mother of my child. And that _is_ my child, right? Not the child of some pretty-boy LAPD cop?"

Nancy went ashen, and she drove her other fist hard into his shoulder, knocking over the beer bottle in her haste. Ned's grip tightened on her wrist and he grabbed the other as she scrabbled at him, and for a long, adrenaline fueled moment, they were at an impasse. She could hear the beer dripping onto the linoleum, both of them panting, and finally an enraged scream ripped out of her.

"Do you think I would have _talked to you_ , you motherfucking _asshole_ , if this baby hadn't been yours?" she screamed, and a terrible sob constricted in her chest. "Do you _honestly fucking think_ I would be trying to fix this _disaster_ , this _train wreck_ of a marriage, if this baby wasn't yours?"

"I don't know," he replied, his voice cold. "I don't know who you are anymore. I'm starting to think I never did."

"Right back at you," she snarled, her voice shaking. "How _dare_ you judge me when I was crying myself to sleep and you were _never home_. Keeping me like motherfucking _arm candy_ to prattle on with your dirtbag clients while you were sneaking off and meeting that _whore_. That's not the man I married."

"You mean like the woman who stood by my side and swore to be fucking _faithful_ to me?" Ned shot back, his own eyes gleaming. "I gave you _everything_ I could and it wasn't enough—and she _wanted_ to be with me. And until you fucking _threw me out_ , Nan, I _was_. I _was_ faithful."

"Barely," she snorted. "And Ben _wanted_ to be with me."

"And you wanted it too," he accused her, his voice low, and she couldn't look away from the pain in his eyes. "The way you used to be with me, the way I wanted you to be with me—you were like that with _him_."

Nancy let out her next breath as a loud sob. "And you were with _her_ the way you were supposed to be with _me_ ," she cried out, another pair of tears slipping down her cheeks.

Ned shook his head, finally releasing her wrists, and she rubbed at the red marks the tight grip of his fingers had left there. "How did it get like this," he whispered, running his hand through his hair. "How could it be like this when I loved you so much."

_Loved._ Another sob grew in her chest. "How could you love me and be with her," Nancy forced out, pulling the elastic out of her hair. So much of her hair had come loose that she gathered it back into another tight ponytail, savagely wrapping the elastic back around it. "How could you betray me that way."

"And how could _you_ ," he replied, and when he gazed into her eyes again, the fury and hurt she saw there took her breath away. "You're _my_ wife, Nancy. _Mine. Forever._ "

"Until fucking Carly was more important—"

Ned let out an enraged cry as he pushed his own chair back, ignoring it when it slammed to the floor the same way hers had. She wanted to run, as he came around the table, but a part of her _dared_ him to hit her. _Dared him_ to take that last unforgivable step.

Like practically fucking another woman hadn't been enough.

Like practically fucking Ben hadn't been enough to break their relationship forever.

She stood up when Ned reached her, and she tipped her head back to stare challengingly into his dark eyes. If he did this, if he hit her, she would never forgive him. She was carrying his damn child, and she would get in the car, go to her father, and see him locked up within the hour. She would finally let this go, and oh, it would hurt... but her heart was already cleaved in two, broken from the second she had seen him with Carly.

He was panting, trembling with rage, and the sheer bulk of him sent a thrill of fear and—and, damn it, anticipation down her spine, the way his proximity always had. "And you were just waiting for the excuse to fuck someone else," he said, his voice low and dangerous. "Weren't you."

Nancy's eyes widened in pain, hurt that he would say it. Then her eyes narrowed. "Just like you were?"

He grabbed her wrist, his fingers tight, and she bit the inside of her lips to keep from crying out. "Do you want to know," he said, his voice still that low, terrible monotone, "how many goddamn times I turned her down? How she told me in that silky voice of hers how good she would make me feel... and I walked away from it, I came back home to you. And yet, the _first time,_ the fucking _first time,_ you let him... do those things to you. To touch you, that way."

She tried to jerk away from him, grief and remorse tightening in her chest, as she shook her head, but he didn't release her.

"Because you wanted it too. And _I'm_ the asshole."

"Because I couldn't _have you_ ," she shot back, her sight swimming with tears.

"And I've never been enough for you either, have I," he countered, grabbing the hem of her shirt and jerking up, and her eyes widened. He pulled it roughly over her head, and she was panting when he grasped her wrist again. "The life I wanted to give you wasn't enough for you. Everything I am... wasn't enough for you."

"You _were_ ," she burst out, shaking her head, covering her bra with her arm as she stared defiantly at him. "Before California you _were_."

"Don't, fucking, _lie_ to me," he grated out. "Because the entire time we were there you were just counting the days to get back here. To leave me."

"To bring you _back_ ," she screamed, trembling. "To bring you back to me. But you're not that guy anymore."

"And my _wife_ ," he replied, "swore to be faithful to me. But you let him do _this_ to you..."

He unfastened her bra and pulled it down her arms, and the air in their house was chilly enough to tighten her nipples immediately. She jerked away from him, backing away a few steps, covering herself, but her gaze was still locked to his face.

"And he took you to his bed?"

Ned's voice was shaking with anger, still dangerously low, and Nancy shook her head. "His couch," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

He grabbed her wrist, and oh, they had made love on that couch so many times. He released her and she tumbled onto it, her eyes wide as she stared up at him.

"And he kissed you. _Touched you._ "

"Ned," she whispered, a fresh wave of tears slipping down her cheeks. "I—I'm sorry. It was a mistake, it was such a fucking mistake... I..."

"I know," he said, and his voice broke. "Don't you think I fucking _know that_. Don't you think I, of all people, _know that_."

Ned had been drunk, so drunk, and she knew that. That didn't, in any way, excuse what he had done—but when Nancy had gone to Ben, she had been sober. She cringed when she remembered again that Ben had given her drinks, that she had had alcohol, even though she hadn't known she was pregnant.

If she was supposed to believe him, he had never intended to do anything with Carly when he had walked into that hotel room with her—but then she had gone to Ben's apartment, had walked inside knowing he was half-naked, knowing how much he wanted her.

Ned slipped one knee onto the couch, on one side of Nancy's hips, then straddled her. He brought his hands up to hers, pushing them away, baring her breasts to him.

"Mine," he told her, his jaw tight as he stared into her eyes, searching her gaze. " _Mine._ "

And she had always found makeup sex to be the most amazing kind they'd ever had.

Her lips parted without her willing it, as her husband lowered his mouth to hers, as he kissed her, his tongue plunging into her mouth. The taste of beer made her shudder, but then he cupped her breasts, rubbing her nipples roughly with his thumbs, and she gasped. She could taste the salt of tears in their kiss, along with the beer.

" _Mine_ ," he growled again, shifting so he could push her prone against the cushions, straddling her again. She lay underneath him, panting for breath.

_I always knew you would feel so good under me._

_Make me forget. Make me forget it ever happened._

Ned worked his way down her neck, nipping hard at her, and she shuddered as she ran her fingers through his hair. He circled her nipple with the tip of his tongue before he drew it into his mouth to suckle hard, and she moaned, arching under him.

He bit her gently before he moved to the other, licking it roughly. "Touch me," Ned told her. "The way you fucking touched him."

Nancy closed her eyes, another pair of tears slipping from beneath her lids. "Ned," she begged, shuddering when he licked her nipple again.

He picked up her hand and brought it up to him, placing it against his crotch, and she could feel him breathing hard as he released her hand, suckling her breast.

Nancy whimpered, biting her lip as she tentatively pressed the heel of her hand against him, through his jeans. He was aroused. She could feel him, hard under the substantial fabric. She stroked him once, then twice, choking back another sob.

"Tell me the truth," Ned whispered against her skin. "Then his pants came off..."

She shook her head, wishing she could forget. "Then he... touched me that way too..."

Her flannel pants provided far, far less of a barrier than his jeans did, and when Ned cupped his palm between her thighs, pressing the heel of his hand against her, she let out a soft cry. He suckled again, and she was crying freely now. God damn him for doing this to her.

She buried her fingers in his hair and pulled his head back, still stroking him, wickedly glad he was hard for her. "But I couldn't do what she did to you," Nancy said, her voice ugly. "I couldn't just shrug out of some little dress and get you hard..."

"Try it," he told her, his voice rough. "Did you get this wet for him too, sweetheart? I can feel you grinding against me—"

"Against _you_ ," she said, jerking away from him, shoving her pants down and then setting herself to his fly. "It's always, _always_ been you..."

"Take my shirt off," he told her, his eyes dark with misery. "If you want to do this right then take my goddamn shirt off."

She yanked his shirt over his head, and he arched his hips to let her pull his pants and boxers down. She knelt between his legs, between the couch and the coffee table, and she didn't trust herself to glance up at him before she ducked down, licking the tip of his cock, tasting the first drop of precum there. Ned laced his fingers in her hair, and she blinked, sending another pair of tears down her cheeks as she opened her mouth, just swirling her tongue around his cock as she began to slide down—

Ned pulled her back, and she released him, her eyes swimming as she glanced up at her husband. His eyes were shining too.

"And that's as far as she got, too."

Nancy was panting, trembling, racked with rage and grief and such terrible sorrow. "Mine," she told him. " _Mine._ "

And she took as much of his length as she dared, rapidly, slipping her hand between his legs to fondle his balls, and Ned groaned, his fingers still buried in her hair. She drew the tip of her tongue wickedly against the underside of his shaft, her nipples brushing against the couch cushion as she worked her way up and down, bobbing up and down to suck him off, just the way he had taught her.

Because he was hers and she was _his_ , and that was how they had sworn, that was how it was supposed to _be_ , that he was the _only man, forever_...

Ned groaned in pleasure as she caressed the base of his cock with her fingertips, swiping her tongue wickedly over the tip of his cock before she bobbed down again. He bumped against her soft palate and she choked a little, reflexive tears rising in her eyes, but she kept going, even when his desperate groan told her he was about to come.

She couldn't remember the last time she had sucked him off. She couldn't remember the last time she had _wanted_ to.

When he was spent, his head tipped back, Nancy rose, swiping the back of her hand over her mouth as she went to the sink. She washed her mouth out, spitting violently, then bathed her tear-soaked face in cold water again, naked and shivering in the chill.

Her shirt was still on the floor where she had left it, and she slipped it back on.

She didn't know what the hell had gotten into her. It was that fucking male chauvinist possessiveness, the kind of thing she despised, that juvenile neanderthal mentality—

But it was hers, too. _He_ was hers. And that old belief had come back, the belief that if she was somehow good enough, sexy enough, that she could keep him, that he would be hers alone.

And she had been a fool, so naive, for believing that.

Nancy came around the couch, gathering her underwear. She felt exhausted and miserable, and her head was pounding from their argument and all the tears she had shed. She just wanted to go to bed. She wanted to forget it all, forget everything.

She wanted to forget what he had just made her do. As though his touch could ever erase what she had done.

As though sucking him off could ever erase what _Carly_ had done.

Ned's pants and underwear were still around his ankles, but when Nancy bent to pick up her flannel pants, Ned reached out and grasped her wrist again. She glanced up at him, her face closed, sad.

"Stay with me," he whispered.

She shook her head, and the expression that crossed his face made her heart beat a little harder. "Come to bed," she whispered after a beat, and Ned reached for his pants.

He was spent. He wouldn't want to touch her again tonight.

And she was glad. The raw anger in his voice had scared her.

She brushed her teeth beside him, scrubbing at her tongue to erase both the taste of his seed and the beer, and when she glanced over at the cocoa butter, she shrugged a little to herself. She was too tired.

Ned came to bed a moment later, clicking on the lamp at his bedside, and Nancy was on her side, facing away from him. He slipped into bed and when he touched her hip, she made a soft sound, curling up tighter.

"Nan, please," he whispered.

She rolled onto her back, wiping impatiently at her eyes. "I'm tired," she said, her voice flat. "What."

"It'll only take a minute."

And, damn him, _damn him_ , a lump of tears rose in her throat, pricking in her eyes when Ned gently pushed her shirt up to just beneath her breasts, then warmed some of the cocoa butter lotion in his palms. She let out a trembling sigh before she pulled her shirt fully off.

Then he touched her, the lotion warm in his palms, stroking it against her belly, and Nancy began to sob quietly, covering her face. She had wanted him to be like this with her, so much, but God, it was too late, everything they had done would always be between them...

But the child. Their child. They had to get past it for their child.

He worked the lotion in steady strokes over her belly, and she sniffled as she wiped her wet face with her shirt. "You... can you do my breasts too?" she whispered.

"Oh?"

"They get stretch marks too," she explained softly, and even though tears were still standing in her eyes, she saw the slight smirk he gave her—and she couldn't help chuckling in return. "Look it up, smartass."

"I believe you, sexy." He warmed another dollop of lotion, then began to fondle her breasts, working the cocoa butter into her sensitive skin. She had been wet earlier, and that tenderness, that pulse of arousal, came back as his palms brushed against her nipples.

Sol had warned them not to use sex to replace genuine intimacy, but after today, after everything... well, she couldn't imagine that he really would want to have sex with her. She was his, but she had been hurt enough to forget that. Worse, she had wanted to break him.

The pain in his eyes was supposed to make her feel good. That was everything she had wanted. But she just felt so tired. She wanted a man who didn't exist anymore.

Ned's thumbs stroked her nipples, and she told herself he was just being a smartass. She sighed when he snapped the lotion bottle's top, when he turned off the lamp and slipped under the covers, pulling her into his arms.

She was still topless, and he had no shirt on, either. She didn't want to be so close to him, but she was too cold not to be. "Let me put my shirt back on," she murmured, beginning to push herself up, out of his arms.

"Not yet," he whispered, his grip tightening on her, and she gave up, closing her eyes as she relaxed back into his arms. Just for a moment. Just for a moment she would pretend that they had any chance of regaining what they had once had.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his lips against the crown of her head. "You—you didn't have to do that."

She frowned. "Apparently I did. Apparently I should have."

Ned buried his fingers in her hair, tugging gently, moving so he could gaze into her eyes, and their room was so dark that she could barely make out his features. The tension in his voice was all she needed to hear, though. "It was never about that," he told her.

"So there was _nothing_ I could have done," she said. "Nothing that would have kept you home with me instead of going to her."

Ned took a deep breath, and she could feel him trying to calm down. "I made a mistake. I was an asshole."

"You made a _lot_ of mistakes," she countered. "A lot. Every time you saw her and let her get close to you..."

"Okay, a _lot_ of mistakes," he replied, hotly. "A lot. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_. I'm fucking sorry. I'm sorry that knowing another man touched you makes me almost as angry as I've been every fucking time you've almost been fucking _raped_. And I'm sorry if _that_ makes me an asshole, too."

Nancy wiped the tears from her cheeks. "And the next time one of those slutty girls comes around swinging her hips at you..."

"Then I'll remember what I didn't, before," he told her. "That you, that _this_ , what I have with _you_ , is the most important relationship of my life, and it wasn't worth the risk. It is never worth the risk, and I can't lose you. You are my life, Nancy Drew Nickerson."

And, for so long, he had been hers. But she could never trust him that way again, and she knew that now. Maybe she was his life, but their child was hers now.

"I wanted to make you hate me," she whispered. "But being with him... it broke my heart instead."

"Promise me, baby," he murmured, rolling onto his knees, between her parted legs, over her. "Promise me nothing like that will ever happen again... I can't, God, oh _God_ , I couldn't bear it..."

"Only if you promise _me_ ," she countered, gazing up into his eyes. "Because it made me feel like I was worthless to you, seeing you with _her_..."

"Never, Nan," he whispered, the backs of his fingers brushing her temple. "Never. You are worth everything to me. I'm sorry I forgot that."

Nancy's voice was tiny, almost inaudible, and she closed her eyes as she whispered it, the words she knew he could never truly answer. "Tell me I'm better than her," she breathed, her brow knitting as her eyes filled with tears. "And make me believe it..."

Ned paused for a beat, and his voice was trembling faintly when he murmured, "For the rest of our lives I swear to hold you first, above all others, above myself, because you are my heart. You make me better than when I'm alone, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me."

His vows. His vows to her, so many years earlier.

She shook her head, but Ned pressed his lips to hers and she stopped, trembling at the memory of that day, how he had broken his promise to her.

How she had broken her promise to him.

"Because we're better together than we are apart," he breathed against her lips. "And none of them, not Carly or Jessica or any other woman on this entire earth will be, could ever be, as perfect for you as you are to me. You are _infinitely_ better than her. She couldn't even hope to compare to you."

"And he was just a shadow of the man I wanted," Nancy whispered, slipping her arms around him. "Oh God, it's always been you, always you."

If she couldn't be happy with him, she had no doubt that she wouldn't be happy with anyone else. He was her one chance.

The thought made her infinitely sad.

When Ned kissed her, slipping his hand down her belly to push her panties and flannel pants down, she allowed it. He touched her between her legs, gently fondling her clit, fingers tracing the slick edge of her opening, and she flushed, damning herself for allowing this, for giving in to him again.

_It's a band-aid. Sex isn't intimacy, not true intimacy. Don't mistake it for that._

_You two are good at sex, most of the time. The problem is everything else._

But ever since the first time Ned had touched her this way, the first time she had spent the night in bed with him, _this_ had been what they shared. It made her feel special, _wanted_ , even now. She had already sucked him off. He didn't need to do this.

She couldn't help it. When he fitted the tip of his cock between her legs, still stroking her clit, she wrapped her legs around him, gazing up at him. He supported his weight on one hand and she, tears drying on her cheeks, cupped his biceps, his shoulders, his face. He turned his head, kissing her palm as he moved inside her, and her breath came out in a soft sigh.

"Mine," she whispered, tipping back a little, shifting the angle of her hips.

" _Mine_ ," he growled, pushing into her in a quicker thrust.

He worked in her, rubbing her clit, until she dug her nails into his back, her hips bucking against his. His breath came in harsh pants as he rocked against her, and she shuddered when he ran the tip of his thumb against her clit, tipping her head back.

"I love you so much."

Nancy swallowed against her dry throat, her next breath coming out in a sob. "I love you too," she whispered. "Oh God, oh God..."

Nancy sobbed with his every thrust until he grasped her hips, lifting her, and she reached between them, stroking her clit until he was able to do it again. She screamed breathlessly when his angle shifted, her legs tightening around him as she rolled her hips.

"So good, baby... you are the only one," he panted. "The only one for me."

She was flushed, her cheeks glowing, as she bucked her hips, rolling over with him, and rode him hard. He kept one hand on her ass, the other against her belly, fondling her clit with his thumb as she braced herself on the heels of her hands over him, her hair tumbling down, her breasts bouncing with every thrust. For a moment she forgot how terribly ugly she felt, how ugly she must be if her husband didn't love her anymore, and savored the feel of him, snug and tight in the hollow of her sex as she rutted against him.

"So good," he panted. "Oh so fucking good, baby, so beautiful..."

She whimpered as Ned rubbed her clit even harder, and she choked. " _Fuck_ ," she sobbed, tipping her head back. "Oh God... _Ned!_ "

He cried out her name as she collapsed to him, as he came, looping his arm around her, and she pressed her flushed cheek against his shoulder, gasping for breath.

She had forgotten how good it felt to ride him when _she_ wanted to do it, when it wasn't because he was asking for it. Sometimes he was more tentative with her now, since she was pregnant, and God, it had felt so fucking good to ride him as roughly as she wanted.

He held her until she moaned and pushed herself up, slipping off him. She rolled onto her back, spent, and Ned went to the bathroom and returned with a cloth to wipe the trace of them from her thighs. She was shivering as she slipped back into her clothes, and Ned quickly slipped back into bed, shivering himself. He curled up behind her, his palm resting against her belly.

_We have seven months,_ she reminded herself. _Seven months to get okay again._

But she still couldn't imagine how they were ever going to get there. They could sleep together every night for those seven months, and it wouldn't erase what they had done to each other.

She fell into an uneasy sleep, her arms wrapped around her. There was a time when falling asleep in his arms, delighted in the afterglow of making love to him, was all she had ever wanted. But all she felt was fear.

Seven months.

Seven years wouldn't be enough. Seven lifetimes wouldn't be long enough to make her forget what he had done.

And she was almost too tired to even try anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 by littlemsmessy.

"So, how have things been between the two of you since your last session?" Solomon regarded them from his chair, which was positioned directly across from the couch where she and Ned were sitting. 

The t-shirt that Sol had selected today was one for an R.E.M. tour that had taken place in the mid-eighties, and he had topped it with a black-and-gray checked blazer. The outfit was completed with a pair of faded jeans and a beat-up pair of Chuck Taylors. 

"Fine," Ned muttered.

"Fine," Nancy echoed, looking down at the toes of her brown leather boots. 

_Could he be sitting any further away from me?_ she thought sardonically. After they'd walked in, Ned had plopped down on the complete opposite side of the couch that Nancy had selected, and she'd known that his seating choice had been deliberate.

"Oh, really?" Solomon asked. Nancy nodded without looking up, and Ned remained silent too.  

"So, let me see if I have this right. The two of you came in here last week, Nancy confessed that she had the equivalent of an emotional affair with another man—a man she let touch her and kiss her and get her halfway naked—and you were cool with this, Ned? Everything was ‘ _fine_ '?" 

Ned made a sound as if he was trying to respond but Solomon plowed on. "And Nancy, you confessed that you'd kept this big secret from Ned, and you didn't try to defend your actions? You didn't tell him how his inattentiveness and his preoccupation with his job and his interest in his own little piece on the side made you so damned hurt and angry that you tried to get what he wasn't giving you from another man?"

Nancy felt tears building in her eyes as she studied her boots. 

"Well, I call bullshit." At that, both Nancy and Ned's heads snapped up.

"Got your attention now, did I? I'm only going to say this one more time—if I have to do it again, you can just find yourself another therapist.  We cannot fix all of the problems between the two of you until the both of you are honest with me, with yourselves, and with each other. 

"If you're both just going to sit here on my couch and try to lie to me, then you can both just get the fuck out now.  Really. Because I don't like wasting my time." Solomon's tone remained calm during the entirety of his speech; when he was finished, he folded his arms over his chest. 

Ned was the first to speak. "When we left here after the last session, we didn't speak until we got back home. Then we had a huge screaming match where we called each other names and said terrible things to each other – just like we always do. I was beyond pissed and… and I accused her of lying about me being the baby's father."

Solomon's expression remained blank, and Ned continued.  "Can you blame me though? I mean, for the longest time, she's made me out to be the asshole, and she's acted like a fucking victim. How do you think it made me feel to hear that she wasn't so perfect, either? That she let another guy get his hands and mouth on her tits and put his fingers on her crotch, all the while accusing me of being the one who was screwing around?" His chuckle was completely devoid of humor. 

Nancy stuffed her hands into the pockets of her sweater so she could tamp down the urge to put them around her husband's neck. "And he can't seem to understand that the only reason I spent time with Ben was because the man I really loved didn't seem to give a shit about me anymore. He was so busy making time for everything and everyone else except me."

"So, you got home, had a balls-to-the wall fight, and that was it?" Solomon asked, leaning back in his chair.  "You just went to sleep?"

Nancy shook her head. "We… we had sex," she admitted, her voice low.

"Interesting," Solomon commented neutrally, although Nancy suspected that he was still irritated with them. "Instead of trying to talk rationally and calmly, you threw every ugly weapon in your respective arsenals at each other and then decided to fuck?" 

Both she and Ned blanched at the frankness in their therapist's tone. 

"Yeah." Ned exhaled loudly. "After we yelled at each other to the point of exhaustion, I made her tell me—"

Nancy cut him off with a noise of distress, and he shook his head. "I made her tell me and _show_ me what she had done with… that asshole _Ben_. Then…then she…went down on me."

She looked away, angrily swiping at the tears that were now beginning to fall down her cheeks before speaking. "It was like he had to possess me all over again, knowing that another man had touched me. And I think that he wanted to humiliate me—at least a little." She looked back over at Ned, whose face was a mask. 

"Then I got into bed and Ned joined me, and then we talked about how much we had hurt each other. He told me how sorry he was for forgetting what we had built together over all of these years. That's when we… had sex."

"Don't you think it would have been better to start the dialogue that way, by talking about the sense of hurt and betrayal that you both felt about everything that had happened? Rather than screaming at each other and then screwing each other?"

Nancy felt foolish, hearing Solomon spell it out in black and white. 

"Yes," Ned said quietly. "But, God… Hearing her say those words, hearing her talk about being with another man… It made me crazy. I couldn't stand the idea of her sharing herself with someone else—physically and emotionally. And the fact that I had no fucking clue—that she hid it so damned well from me—almost made it worse."

"Now you know how I felt, Ned," Nancy replied, careful to keep the anger out of her voice. "What do you think it was like for me when I found out that you'd been with _her_ all of those times when you were supposedly working late? When I learned that you'd been with _her_ at that fucking retreat on Catalina Island, even after I'd specifically asked you whether she'd be there?"

"You asked if any clients would be there," Ned mumbled. "Not specifically about Carly."

"You cannot be fucking serious right now," she retorted, turning her head to glare at him while desperately trying to keep her calm. "You knew damned well what I was asking you and you lied by omission, so cut the shit."

She thought that Ned was going to yell at her, but he surprised her. "You're right," Ned admitted with a nod of his head. "I knew and still I lied to you—all to avoid an argument. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I'm sorry, Nancy."

Nancy exhaled loudly. "Well, I'm sorry too, Ned. I'm sorry that I turned to Ben. I'm sorry that I kept my relationship with him from you—that I even started spending time with him in the first place. But the only reason I did because I was so lonely—because I thought my husband didn't want me anymore! Ben made me feel pretty and smart and desirable.  He reminded me of what I used to have with you. 

"And you… you hardly ever wanted to have sex with me and you never said anything nice to me unless you wanted something." She sniffled, remembering. 

"Before everything turned so badly between the both of us, you always used to call me little pet names and tell me I was gorgeous and lavish me with compliments…You'd work on my cases with me, even though you hated the fact that I put myself into danger.  

"Once I came to California permanently, you just _ignored_ me! You started spending time with Carly and she was sexy and beautiful and I just felt like I couldn't measure up. It made me so sad when I thought about my husband comparing me with another woman—and putting me in second place." 

Nancy gave Solomon a watery smile of gratitude when he handed her a box of tissues, taking one out and using it to dab beneath her eyes.

"Nan," Ned whispered. "Baby, I am so sorry. It wasn't like that, I swear. I just felt like you couldn't stand me, that the only reason you wanted to be with me was because you wanted to get pregnant. You'd look at me with such anger—I always felt guilty because I couldn't ever seem to make you happy."

Nancy wiped her nose with another tissue. "I was angry because you didn't seem to care about the things I cared about anymore. All you wanted was to work and to make more money—and to drink. 

"I couldn't stand the fact that you needed to get drunk just to spend any time with me. Before, you'd drink to have a good time; when we were in California, you got wasted every fucking night." 

Ned made a sound of protest but Nancy snorted dismissively. 

Solomon jumped in at that. "You two are doing a good job of talking it out, but let's explore that topic a little further.  Nancy, do you think that Ned was drinking too much?"

"I don't just think it—I know it, Sol," she replied wearily. "He'll probably tell you that I'm exaggerating, but Ned _definitely_ had a drinking problem. He got pulled over for a DUI in L.A.—which he never told me about, by the way. I only found out by accident when it came out during one of our screaming matches. Talk about keeping secrets."  She glared at her husband. 

"Oh, and what Ned neglected to tell you during his recap of what happened after our last session? On the way home, he stopped to get a six-pack of beer, then drank one with dinner."

"It was _one beer_ , Nancy!" Ned replied hotly. "Stop making such a fucking big deal about one beer!"

"So, Ned—you don't think that you had a problem with alcohol? You weren't drinking too much?" Solomon asked. 

"I…It…" Ned looked down at his hands, lapsing into silence before responding to their therapist's question. "When I was out in California, I was drinking too much."

It was the first time he'd ever admitted it to her, but it was a hollow victory for Nancy. 

 "I hated seeing you like that," she told him softly. "As an angry and bitter drunk. It made you into someone who was so unlike the man I'd fallen in love with and married. And it made me sad that you couldn't seem to be able to have sex with me when you were wasted. I felt ugly and undesirable."

"Nan..." Ned reached out across the space between them on the couch; after deliberating for a moment, she put her hand into his. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that way.  You've always been gorgeous and sexy to me. 

"I drank because…because alcohol made it easier to deal with things. I had this big-deal, high-powered job, and having some drinks helped me to handle the pressure I was under."

"How did you feel when you drank, Ned?" Solomon asked.

"At first, I felt great. Happy, mellow. It was fun—just like when I was at Emerson.  Then…" Ned paused, taking a deep breath. "Then I started to feel like I _needed_ to drink. Everyone else was, everywhere I went; it would have been strange _not_ to.

"The alcohol also helped when I had to deal with what was happening between Nancy and me. When I had to walk in the door and see her look of disapproval because of whatever I'd done to piss her off that day. It helped me not to feel anything, to numb myself." 

"And what did the drugs do for you?" Nancy asked sarcastically. "Hmmm?"

"Nan, come on…"

"No, she's asking a good question, Ned," Solomon cut in. "Were you also doing drugs?"

"I…"

"Come on, Ned. I saw the coke on the dresser when I barged in on you and Carly," Nancy said harshly.  "You've already admitted that you took a hit."

Ned stood up and began to pace. "Nan…"

"Or was it more than just that one hit? Were you lying to me about that, too?"

"Look, I…"

"If you keep covering stuff up, then we won't accomplish anything," Solomon reminded Ned. "I was serious about ending things if you keep trying to bullshit me. Is Nancy right? Were you using regularly?"

Ned stopped pacing. "I… Yeah."

Nancy let out a loud gasp, feeling all the blood drain from her face in one swift fall. "Oh my God. Ned—oh my God." She'd had the feeling he'd been lying to her about his drug use, but hearing him say the words out loud made her feel sick. 

"Nan, I know. I _know,_ all right?"

"No, you _don't_ know!" she burst out angrily. "You don't know what it's like to find out that your spouse has been lying to you about everything! _Everything_!"

"Oh, really?" Ned retorted. "One word for you, Nancy – _Ben_."

"Nope, we're not talking about that now, Ned," Solomon interjected. "We're talking about your drug use. When did it start?"

"Um… during that retreat on Catalina Island." 

"Oh my God," Nancy repeated in a whisper.  

"And what happened? How did it start?"

"On the second night of the retreat, our bosses hosted a dinner. Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to a club before coming back to the hotel. We hung out in one of my co-workers' suites, where we had some more drinks… It wasn't too long before someone brought out the coke. And I was tired of always being the one to abstain, so I accepted it when it was offered." Ned resumed his pacing.

"And was Carly there?" Nancy asked.  When Ned nodded, she laughed bitterly. "And I'm sure she just egged you on." He nodded again, making her panic and fear begin to spiral. She could just imagine what would have come next.

"How did the coke make you feel?" Solomon asked.

"Good," Ned admitted, and Nancy could see the shame on his face, along with a hint of regret. She hated wondering if he regretted what he'd done, or just regretted giving it up. "It felt good, man. Like everything came into focus, so sharp and bright. I felt like I was flying, like I could do anything."

Solomon shifted in his chair. "And afterwards? The comedown?" 

"Brutal. Fucking brutal. I felt like a piece of shit. I knew that Nancy would be furious if she found out, and I felt ashamed knowing that I'd be letting her down. It was one more way that I was fucking up my marriage, and I felt horrible."

"So how often did you do it after that?" Solomon asked.

"Um, not that often at first." Nancy snorted. "I'm telling the truth, Nan. It wasn't that frequent in the beginning. And when I accepted it from other people, it just seemed like no big deal—after all, it wasn't like _I_ was buying it, like some desperate druggie. 

"But then I felt like it helped me to focus at work—gave me energy, made me feel like I was invincible. So one night I called a guy I knew and he knew someone…"

"And you bought cocaine. You broke the law and fucking _bought cocaine_ , Ned." Nancy shook her head in disbelief, her growing nausea having nothing to do with her pregnancy. "I can't believe this. I thought the DUI was horrible, but this…"

Sol continued with his line of questioning. "How often did you use, Ned?"

"Here and there at parties or client events. But at the end… I was using pretty often. Every few days…"

"Oh my God," Nancy repeated, horrified by what she was hearing. 

"Did you use anything else, Ned? Other drugs?" Solomon inquired. 

"No." Nancy made another sound of disbelief. "Nan, I swear I'm telling the truth. I only drank and used coke."

"Oh, you _only_ did fucking coke, _repeatedly_ , and drank. No big deal," Nancy retorted bitterly. "And you _swore_ to me that was the first time..."

Ned sat back down on the couch and looked at her imploringly. "Nan, I'm not saying that it wasn't a big deal. It _was_ —I know that. Even while I was doing it, I knew it was wrong. I just..." He shook his head.

"We've talked about how often you used; now let's talk about how much you were using." When Nancy gave him a puzzled look, Solomon elaborated. "The amount. A hit, a line..." 

"When I tried coke on Catalina, it was a line. Then I did little hits here and there… until it took more than that for me to really feel anything, to get high."

Nancy sniffled, surprised to find that she had started crying again. "Never in a million years would I have expected to hear these words come out of your mouth, Ned. It's like I'm sitting here with a stranger."

"Baby, I'm sorry." Ned reached for her hand again, but she waved him off. 

As she took another tissue from the box, a horrifying thought occurred to Nancy. "Have you done drugs since you've been back from California?"

"Nan, no! Nancy, I haven't—I swear to you!"

"And I should believe you why?" she asked scornfully.

"Nan, I am telling you the truth. I swear to God. I stopped cold a few days before I flew back here, and I have not done coke or anything else since I've been back. Really." 

She turned her head to see a completely sincere look on Ned's face. Normally, she would have taken it to mean he was being truthful; now, though, knowing how many lies he had told her…

"You'll excuse me if I have my doubts," she told him starkly. "After all, you had that damned beer with dinner, so how am I supposed to trust that you haven't also been snorting coke?"

Solomon spoke up. "Have you had the urge to take a hit or a line since you've been here in Illinois, Ned?"

Ned paused. "Yeah, sometimes—especially when Nan and I have been arguing or if something else stressful happens. It would be easier not to have to feel the anger or the hurt, to feel good again…" His laugh was a hollow one. "But I haven't acted on it. That's the God's honest truth, Sol."

Solomon gave a subtle nod of his head. "Besides the beer the other night, have you been drinking since you've been back?"

"No. I haven't. I just bought that beer because I knew that Nan and I were going to have it out when we got home from our session with you, and I felt like I needed something to help me deal with it. If it couldn't be coke…" Ned shrugged, leaving his sentence go unfinished.

"And did you drink the entire six-pack?" Sol prodded him. 

Ned shook his head. "No. I only had the one and the other five are still in the refrigerator. And Nan, if you weren't pregnant, you would have been drinking right along with me."

"But _I_ would've been able to stop," she countered. 

Solomon held up his hand, signaling for her to stop. "So let me get back to the cocaine use for a minute, here.  You said that you had originally done it in a group, and Carly was with you on a few occasions when you had used."

Ned nodded. "Yeah. She was there when I first tried it on Catalina, and then she and I got high together on a few other occasions."

"When?" Nancy demanded harshly. Ned gave her a helpless look but she pressed on. "When did you and that whore get together and snort cocaine, Ned?"

Ned paused, apparently weighing whether he should come clean. "During a few client outings," he admitted. "And then… after you had…" Ned swallowed hard. "After you left me and I was pissed and feeling sorry for myself, she called me and we hung out and did a few lines together."

At that, Nancy got to her feet and stood in front of Ned, almost shaking with rage and hurt. She had been heartbroken, but he... "So after you told me that you weren't doing drugs and you _swore_ to me that there was nothing between you and Carly **_and_ ** you cried and fucking begged me to take you back in the driveway of the fucking W hotel, you saw her and snorted cocaine with her? You are _unbelievable_." 

She had absolutely no idea how she was able to restrain herself from punching him in the face, just like she'd done to Carly. 

"Baby, I know," Ned replied in a low voice. "I know. I'm so sorry. But I was hurt and angry and I felt like shit and I just needed something to help me get through what was going on between you and me."

"Nancy, I know you're pissed right now – and rightfully so," Solomon told her. "But can I get you to sit down while I ask Ned some more questions?"

Nancy hesitated before obeying Solomon's request. She flopped back onto the couch and recrossed her arms over her chest as she regarded her husband coldly. "Go ahead."

"Thanks, Nancy. So let me ask you, Ned—when you were getting high with Carly, did you and she do anything?" 

Ned looked at him blankly. "We'd usually have a few drinks…"

"Not what I meant. You've said before that you stopped Carly that night in the hotel when she was about to give you a blow job, and you've sworn up and down that nothing else happened between the two of you."

Ned nodded warily, and Solomon continued. "Now, I don't know about you, but when I did coke years ago, it made me horny as hell." 

One look at Ned's face, and Nancy could tell that he was as surprised as she was by Solomon's admission. 

"Was it like that for you, Ned? When you got high, did you want to just fuck any woman in sight?" 

Nancy flinched, afraid of Ned's answer; her fear grew even stronger when he paused entirely too long before responding. 

"Yeah," he finally confessed. "Yeah, whenever I got high, I became very horny."

"Well, no wonder Carly was so eager to get you high," Nancy snapped.

"But I never did anything, Nan!" Ned again shifted to face her. "I swear to you!"

"But I'm sure you wanted to!" Nancy exclaimed, hurt and frustrated and angry. 

"I did," her husband admitted softly. "She wanted me, and her desire made me feel powerful and sexy."

"But you never acted on it?" Solomon pressed him. 

Ned shook his head emphatically. "What I said before was the truth. The only time that I ever let her cross the line—that I let _myself_ cross the line," he corrected himself when Nancy glared at him, "was that night after Nancy and I had that huge fight at the house and I had Carly pick me up and take me to the hotel. There were many, _many_ opportunities before and after that when I could have just given in. 

"But I never did. _Never_ , Nancy. Baby, I _swear_ that I'm telling you the truth."

Nancy could see the tears in his eyes and a big part of her wanted to believe him, but how could she? How could she accept what he was telling her as the truth when he'd been lying to her for so long about so many things? 

She looked down at the stubbly gray-and-black-flecked sofa cushions and ran her fingertips along the seams. 

"Nan, please look at me," Ned pleaded. "No matter how high I was or how drunk I was, I never did anything with Carly except for that night at the W – and even then, I stopped her. I am telling the truth."

"Nancy, I'm assuming that you've never done coke?" Nancy shook her head vehemently in response to Solomon's question, still not looking up. "Then you don't know what we're talking about. Coke… coke makes you feel like you do could do absolutely anything—when you're in the middle of your high, anyway—and makes you want to have sex for hours. Your inhibitions are almost gone, too; everything that would make you say no doesn't really seem to matter as much anymore."

"Yeah," Ned chimed in quietly. "But even as high as I'd get, I knew that fucking Carly would completely destroy our marriage, Nancy. And even with it being as bad as it was, I didn't want to take that risk—I didn't want to do anything to take that already fraying rope and snap it."

"But you were tempted." Nancy made it a statement, not a question.

"Yeah," Ned repeated. "I mean, she was offering herself up to me on a silver platter. She'd try to take off her clothes, or move in close to me, or offer to stay the night, offer to..." He trailed off. "Do other stuff, too. And it would have been incredibly easy to give in."

Nancy looked at him angrily. "So now I have to hear about all the ways that another woman tried to tempt my husband into fucking her. Thanks, Ned."

"Nancy, I'm sure it's pretty shitty to hear this, but I wanted to go down this path for two reasons," Solomon told her.  "The first is to have Ned come totally clean with you—you probably suspected that he was using more than he'd admitted, but you didn't want to face it." 

Nancy opened her mouth to deny Solomon's theory, but closed it when he just gave her a look. Finally, she answered him. "I didn't even want to think about the possibility that the entire thing that happened at the W wasn't just a one-time aberration," she finally admitted. "If I did, then I wouldn't have to face the fact that my husband really was turning into a stranger."

Solomon nodded, apparently satisfied with her answer.  "And the other reason I asked Ned about his experiences while he was high was because I wanted to know what he did when he was out of control and faced with incredible temptation."

"I resisted it, Nancy," Ned cut in, sounding desperate. "I resisted that temptation because no matter how high I was and how horny I was, I couldn't be unfaithful to you, baby. I just couldn't do it. And when I'd come down from my high, I'd feel sick about just how fucking close I came."

"Nancy, I know you don't understand because you've never experienced what it's like to be high on coke, but the fact that Ned didn't cheat on you while he was in that state? Tells me that he really, really loves you."

"I—"

Solomon cut her off. "No, hear me out, Nancy. The sexual desire you feel while you're on coke is as strong an urge as hunger or thirst when you're starving or parched—it's just that strong. To be able to turn down ready, willing, and able pussy in the face of that urge shows remarkable restraint on Ned's part. And I think it's because of you and all that you mean to him."

"So I'm supposed to applaud him for not letting that slut suck his cock or put it into her pussy?" Nancy demanded incredulously.  "I'm supposed to say ‘ _Good job, baby,'_? When it was _his choice_?" 

"No," Solomon corrected her quietly. "The fact that he put himself into that situation, knowing full well what it could lead to, was pretty shitty—I agree with you about that. But all along, you've been asking if Ned still loved you and still cared about saving your marriage. I think that, despite everything else that happened, this is proof that he did—on both counts."

Nancy shrugged, still not quite convinced. 

"Look, I know that Ned's confessed to some shitty things here tonight and that you're probably skeptical when he's told you that he didn't cheat. 

"But my bullshit meter is pretty well honed by this point in my life and in my career, and I believe him. There's gonna have to come a time when you'll either have to choose to trust whatever he tells you or automatically question it. If you can't eventually learn to trust him again, then your marriage has no shot of surviving."

\--

Ned was checking his cell phone to make sure he had the address for where they were going when he heard Nancy's footsteps as she descended the stairs.  He looked up and gave her a smile as he took in her appearance. She was wearing a pair of dark wash jeans that clung to her long legs and a deep blue shirt that he suspected she'd selected because it hid the tiny mound of her baby bump. She was still so thin that Ned could barely see it even when she was naked. 

"You look beautiful, Nan," he told her gruffly. 

"Thanks," she replied, giving him a tentative smile. 

It was Saturday night, and he and Nancy were about to leave for a house party that one of his former frat brothers was throwing. Ned barely knew the guy because he was in the class that had graduated two years after his own; the only reason that they were even going in the first place was because it would give him and Nancy the chance to see their friends. 

Ever since they'd returned from California, they hadn't seen Mike and Jan or Howie and Shayna or any other of their friends from Emerson. Once he and Nancy were back in their old house, Ned had called Mike to let him know, but his best friend hadn't seemed very enthusiastic upon hearing the news. Ned knew that he and Mike had been drifting apart in the months that he and Nancy had been gone—and that their distance was likely in large part due to his own behavior.

The other reason that they were attending the party was because Solomon had given them homework at the end of their last session; he'd suggested that they spend some time together in a fun setting. The party would be a perfect way for them to do that, and they wouldn't have to be alone the entire time, either. Ned had half-expected Nancy to turn him down when he'd proposed they go, but he'd been surprised when she had told him she thought it would be a good idea. 

Ever since the session with Sol on Thursday, things had remained strained between him and Nancy. They were talking, but not about anything in depth, and certainly not about what they'd discussed on Thursday.  They also hadn't really touched each other since the night Ned had found out about Ben.

Ned idly wondered if they'd have sex tonight, when they got home. He remembered other nights when they'd attend a party and practically rip each other's clothes off the second they got home; they were light-years away from that now.

He forced himself to give her another smile. "Ready to go, Nan?"

She nodded, picking up her purse.  "Where is the party, anyway?"

"Up in Burr Ridge. I figure it'll take us around a half hour to get there."

"Great. Want me to drive? After all, it's not like I can drink, so I can be DD."

Ned carefully scanned her face to see if she was testing him. He honestly hadn't had any intention of drinking tonight, but he also hadn't intended to make a big deal of it, either. "I can drive, Nan."

Nancy looked as if she was about to make a comment and had then thought better of it. "Fine," she replied neutrally. 

Their car ride over to the party was filled with small talk about generic topics like the weather and the big stories on the news, but at least they were talking, Ned reminded himself hopefully.  His optimism faded, though, when they lapsed into silence after about ten minutes. 

When they turned onto the street where his frat brother lived, Ned could see a line of cars already parked up and down the street. "Wow, looks like Josh got a good turnout," Ned remarked he slowly drove up and down the street searching for a place to park.  "I don't think there's any space here, so I'll probably have to park a few streets over. Are you okay with a walk?"

She looked down at her feet, encased in high-heeled shoes. "Yeah, I think I can do it."

Ned finally found a place to park around the corner from Josh's place. As he was about to get out of the car, Nancy placed her hand on his arm. 

"Before we go in there, can I talk to you about something?"

Surprised, he nodded his assent. 

"I don't know whether you've said anything to anyone, but… could we not mention my pregnancy when we see everyone?"

"Okay," Ned replied slowly. "Is there a reason you don't want to talk about it, Nan?"

"It's not like I'm ashamed or unhappy about it," she quickly reassured him, and Ned believed her. "But people are usually warned about not saying anything while they're still in their first trimester, and I just don't want to jinx things."

"Understood." 

"And…" Nancy paused. "I also don't want to let on that there are… problems between us. I mean, I haven't said anything to Bess or George, and I wasn't sure if you'd talked to Mike…"

"No," he admitted. "I kind of didn't want to bring anyone else into it."

"Great." She gave him a too-bright smile. "So we'll just go in there and act like everything's fine."

Ned could remember when it wouldn't have had to be an act, but he didn't want his friends to look at them with pity any more than she did. "Works for me, Nan."

They got out of the car and slowly walked to Josh's. When they were halfway up the path to his front door, Ned reached for Nancy's hand. To Ned's sorrow, she actually hesitated before pressing her palm to his. 

\--

They had been at the party for nearly half an hour when Jan spotted them. 

"Nancy! Ned!" she squealed excitedly. 

Both he and Nancy exchanged hugs with Jan. "Good to see you," he told his best friend's wife, meaning it. 

"Oh, it has been entirely too long! I'm so sorry that Mike and I never got the chance to come visit you guys in California.  You know how things are…"

"We know, and we totally understand," Nancy told her. "After all, Ned and I were both working a lot and things were kind of crazy…"

Ned looked over at Nancy to see if she was trying to get in a dig at him, but she just seemed to be trying to put Jan at ease. 

Jan looked Nancy up and down. "Nan, I know that everyone in Los Angeles is obsessed with their bodies, but I can't believe you got sucked in, too! You're so skinny!"

Nancy self-consciously touched her stomach and smoothed her hair. "Yeah, well…"

"She just worked so hard that she forgot to eat sometimes," Ned quickly interjected, slipping an arm around his wife's waist. "You know how Nan gets once she's focused on her cases!"

Nancy shot him a grateful look, and he was glad when she didn't pull away from him. "A few more meals from Hannah and Ned's mom, and I'll be back to normal!" she chirped brightly. 

Jan seemed unconvinced, but she didn't press further. "Were you guys unable to make your way through the mob to get to the bar? You don't have drinks!"

"We tried, but people kept stopping us," Ned told her. "A lot of the gang didn't know that we were back so they were asking about California."

"You guys—as popular as always!" Jan said lightly. 

Ned shrugged modestly. "Hey, where's Mike?"

"Oh, around somewhere," she replied vaguely. "He and Howie were on the back patio, discussing the finer points of the Bulls' defense or something. Shayna and I got bored, then she got into the line for the powder room, and she's probably wandering around, looking for me."

Just then, they heard Shayna's voice behind them.  "Oh my God, you guys! I'm so glad you're here!"

After they returned her enthusiastic hugs, Shayna directed Ned to go find Howie and Mike outside, telling him that she, Jan, and Nancy needed to catch up on some girl talk.  Ned checked Nancy's expression to see if she was okay with him leaving her; after she gave an imperceptible nod, he gave the other two women a quick smile and waded through the crowd. 

Before heading outside, Ned made a stop at the bar. He pondered the selection of vodka, rum, and the usual mixers, then looked at the keg of beer. It would be nice to have a drink or two, but he wasn't in any mood to disturb the fragile truce that he and Nancy had in place since their appointment on Thursday.  Instead, he poured himself a red plastic cup of cola. 

When he finally made it out to the patio, Ned found it was easy to spot his two friends. Despite the throngs of people, Howie stood out, as always, thanks to his height. "I heard you guys were out here," Ned said as he approached them. 

"Nickerson! You made it, man!" Howie greeted him happily. "Good to see you!" He leaned over and gave Ned a manly, one-armed hug.  "Damn, you're still tan, you bastard.  Pisses me off that you got to enjoy the L.A. weather while we were all here, freezing our asses off."

Ned laughed. "The weather is one of the things that I will miss the most about California—believe me."

"Shayna and I really would've liked to come out and visit."

"Yeah, I know… Unfortunately, Nan and I really weren't able to take the time off from our jobs to be able to spend time with visitors. Things were just hectic."

"Understood—you had that fancy job and all. The hotshot ad man," Howie teased him.

Ned finally turned to Mike, slightly stung that he'd yet to acknowledge Ned's presence. "Hey, Mike," he quietly greeted his best friend.

"Hey, Ned," Mike replied, his low-key greeting contrasting sharply with Howie's. 

"We saw Jan inside. How are things?"

"Good," Mike shrugged. "How are things with you?"

"Good," Ned echoed. "Nan and I are glad to be back."

"I'm surprised you _did_ come back, to be honest. Every time I talked to you, it seemed like you were living quite the life out there—fancy parties, meeting celebrities, buying expensive clothes, his-and-hers Mercedes convertibles…"

Ned didn't miss the edge to Mike's words. "Yeah, well… sometimes things aren't what they seem.  It took me a while to realize it," he replied quietly. "Now I just hope that it's not too late to be able to get my old life back, especially since I have a greater appreciation for it now than I ever did before."

Mike looked at him, apparently considering Ned's response. "It'll probably take some time to adjust to being here. River Heights sure as hell isn't L.A."

Ned gave a nod. "Yeah. But I'm really glad to be back with my friends and our families. We've really missed everyone – _I've_ really missed everyone," he clarified. 

His best friend was about to respond when Nancy came up and joined the group. "Why, hello there!" she greeted Mike and Howie.

After they gave her hugs and kisses on the cheek, Nancy moved to Ned's side and he was glad when she again let him slide his arm around her waist without protesting.  

"Your wives decided to stay inside – they have no interest in hearing sports talk," Nancy informed his friends. 

Howie laughed. "Yeah, we had a feeling. Once we started discussing the Bulls, they scattered." 

"Nan, did you miss the bar?" Mike asked, gesturing to her empty hands. 

She laughed. "Yeah, I wasn't in the mood for anything, but now I'm kind of thirsty."

Ned handed her his cup. "Have some of mine, babe." He didn't miss how she sniffed at the contents. "It's just cola," he told her, trying hard to hide his annoyance. 

She took a sip and gave him a relieved smile. "Thanks," she murmured before taking another drink. 

They stood out there for a while and made small talk with his friends, trying to catch up on six months' worth of events. After a while, Howie and Mike decided to find their wives, and Nancy and Ned promised to join them shortly.

"So, did you want another soda, Nan?" Ned asked her, breaking the lingering silence between them. 

"I guess," she shrugged. 

"Nickerson—good to see you, brother!" Josh, the host of the party, greeted them after making his way through the crowd on the patio.  

"Hey, man, thanks for inviting us," Ned returned with a quick smile. 

"Nancy, right?" Josh asked.  When she nodded, he gave her a slightly exaggerated leer. "I thought so—I remembered that Ned had married the same red-haired hottie that he was going with at Emerson! Nice to see you, Red."

Ned noticed that Nancy had suddenly stiffened up, and an odd expression crossed her face. "Thanks," she managed. 

"I just came to see how everyone was doing, to make sure everyone was having a good time," Josh told them, beaming with the smile of someone who had enjoyed more than a few beers. "Want to head back inside with me? Everyone's buzzing about the return of the Big Nick."

"Sure," Ned replied. "Okay with you, babe?" he asked Nancy. 

"Why not?" 

Ned could see that something was still slightly off with her, but she didn't really seem angry or annoyed – at least as far as he could tell. 

Josh led them over to a small group of guys that Ned vaguely recognized from frat mixers. They were huddled in a circle, their heads bent as if they were in prayer.  As they got closer and Ned could see what they were doing, he felt a ripple of panic slide up his spine and a wave of nerves jangle in his belly.

"Dude!" one of the men greeted Ned, just the slightest trace of white powder visible under his nostrils. 

"Nickerson! How you doing, bro?" Another guy greeted him, grinning sloppily. 

Ned heard a small sound of distress before realizing that it came from Nancy. "Fine," he replied nervously. _Please don't ask me if I want any; please don't ask me,_ he prayed frantically. 

"Did you want a hit?" the first guy asked him. "How about you, Josh? Cute redhead—what about you, baby?"

Nancy shook her head frantically, and Ned could tell that she was becoming even more upset as she caught sight of the mirror with its neat white lines of powder.  

"Nan and I are set, man," he told his frat brothers, trying to stay calm.  

The thought made him sick, but for a split second, Ned could imagine himself just taking a quick hit and feeling the delirious pleasure of the resulting high.  Just as quickly, he imagined the look that would surely cross Nancy's face if she watched him give in to the temptation.  Her disgust and horror would be unbearable to witness, and her anger and disappointment would likely end with her leaving him forever.  

_No high could ever be worth that_ , he reminded himself grimly, and the proof of just what was at stake became even more evident when Nancy reached for his hand and curled her fingers around his.  Without thinking, he brought their intertwined fingers up to his mouth and brushed a kiss across her knuckles. 

Ned had thought that Josh would also refuse, or at the very least discourage the guys from doing drugs right out in the open in his backyard, but he just gave the group a grin.  "Maybe later, brahs. After all, I gotta get Nickerson and his lady back to the party!" 

"I could really use a drink, Ned," Nancy told him softly. 

"Good idea," Ned told his wife, forcing himself to smile down at her. "Josh, you can stay out here—no need to escort us inside. Nan and I can find our way back."

"You sure?" Josh asked, his gaze already focused on the mirror. 

"Yeah, we're fine," Ned reassured his frat brother, trying to sound casual. 

Josh just acknowledged him with a quick nod, and that's when Ned decided that he and Nancy should take their leave.

As they made their way back into the house, Nancy tugged on his hand, indicating that she wanted to pull him aside. Despite the crowds, they found a quiet corner. 

Ned decided to beat her to the punch before she could raise any suspicions about his real motives for wanting to come to Josh's party.  

"Nan, I had no idea that anyone at this party would be doing coke," he informed her almost frantically. "I swear it, baby. The only reason I wanted to come was to see our friends and spend time with you. I barely knew Josh when we were at school together…"

He knew he was entirely too close to babbling, but he had to make Nancy believe him—things were already bad enough between the two of them. 

"I know," she replied quietly. "After all, we've never really seen it at other Emerson or Omega Chi parties, so there wouldn't be a reason for you to have assumed that someone would be doing it here, tonight."

His relief was nearly overwhelming. "If you aren't comfortable with staying, I'll just make up an excuse and we can get out of here, Nan."

"No, it's all right—we can just hang out with the people we know. Unless you aren't comfortable with being here...?" she asked hastily. 

"It's fine—I'm fine. Just freaked me out," Ned admitted. 

Nancy's reply was cut off as Jan approached them. "There you are! We still have so much to catch up on!" she informed them. "Come on and join the rest of our gang!"

Nancy looked over at Ned quizzically, as if gauging his reaction. When he gave a subtle nod, she smiled over at Jan. "Lead the way!"  

As they followed Jan through the crowd, Ned was gratified when Nancy reached for his hand again. 

\--

The car ride home was just as silent as the one they'd had on the way there, but at least they'd had a good time at the party, Nancy reminded herself. And Ned had turned down the drugs that had been offered to them. 

She had very nearly stopped breathing when she had seen that mirror with the damned white powder. As she'd told Ned earlier, the absolute last thing she'd expected to see at the party was someone bringing out cocaine; the hardest drug she'd ever witnessed someone use at other Omega Chi parties had been pot. 

Nancy was the first one to break the silence as she slipped out of her shoes and placed them next to the stairs. "So, that was fun."

"It was," Ned agreed. "It was great to see everyone after being away for so long."

Nodding, Nancy moved to the first step before pausing. "Were you going to stay down here?"

"Nah, I'm kind of beat. I think I'll head to bed—if that's where you were going?"

"I was. It's kind of late and this pregnancy is making me exhausted."

They both made their way upstairs and began changing clothes. As Nancy stripped off her jeans and shirt and pulled out a pair of sleep pants and a tank top from her drawer, she couldn't help but notice that Ned wasn't even looking at her.  In the old days, any time she got undressed, he could never seem to keep his gaze off her nude body. The memory depressed her. 

After changing, they both washed up and slid into bed. Ned set his alarm and clicked off the light on his nightstand and Nancy followed suit.

"Ned?" she asked softly once she was settled under the covers. 

"Hmm?"

He didn't sound annoyed, which Nancy took as a good sign. "I had a nice time with you tonight," she told him, almost shyly.

She was relieved when Ned reached over and pulled her into his arms.  "I did too, baby." He dropped a kiss onto the top of her head. 

It was so nice to be held by him, especially when it wasn't happening as the aftermath of one of their fights, that she closed her eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of his arms tight around her.

"I also wanted to thank you," Nancy whispered. "For not drinking tonight. I know you were pissed at me when I checked your cup, but can you blame me?"

She felt his chuckle rumble through his chest, vibrating against her own. "Nah, I guess not," Ned replied, and she could hear a teasing note in his tone. "Honestly, I didn't want to be the cause of another fight between us. Plus, I didn't really need to drink to enjoy myself with everyone, anyway."

Her next question was on the tip of her tongue, but she was almost afraid to ask it. He seemed to be in a good mood and she didn't want to do anything to change it. 

"What about the cocaine?"

"What about it?"

She rolled her eyes, glad he couldn't see her face, but kept going. "Were you tempted when they offered?"

Ned hesitated before responding, and she could tell that he was deliberating whether he should answer her truthfully. "I… yeah," he admitted quietly. "I was. And I hate myself for it."

"But you were tempted and you didn't do it," Nancy pointed out. "I'm proud of you for that."

 "But the fact that I even wanted to in the first place… Especially considering everything that I almost lost." He reached out and placed his palm against her stomach, stroking his thumb over the cotton of her tank top. 

"But you didn't do it," she repeated firmly. "That's a big deal."

"What about next time, huh? When you're not with me and I'm offered coke again?"

"If you said no tonight, there's no reason you wouldn't say no again." Privately, she had been wondering the same thing he was, and Nancy really hoped that what she was saying was true. The thought of her husband doing drugs again made her sick to her stomach.

"I just… it's just easy to get sucked in sometimes, you know? And while the comedown is fucking awful, the high is phenomenal."

Even knowing what she now knew, Nancy still could not quite believe that she was lying in her bed hearing her husband talk about what it felt like to be high on cocaine. Never could she have imagined that her Ned would have done the kinds of things he had while he was in Los Angeles.  

She felt a new wave of sadness creep over her and briefly wished, as she had so many times, that she could pull the covers over her head and go to sleep, then awaken to find that everything that had happened over the last year or so had just been a horrible, sickening nightmare. 

Ned shifted slightly, likely realizing that her silence meant he was making her uncomfortable. "I'm sorry—this is probably hard for you to hear. I'll shut up." 

"No, no," she reassured him, even though he was right. "A big part of why we're in therapy is because we need to be able to talk to each other—to tell each other everything, to be open and honest with one another." _The way we used to be_ , she thought.

"But I don't want you to hear about the horrible things I've done. I hate having to tell you how badly I fucked up. I hated seeing you look at me that way—like I was scum of the earth, a worthless criminal, a junkie… " His voice reflected his agony.

"Have you found yourself craving it?" she asked, dreading the answer but needing to hear it.  "I mean, I know you told Sol that you think about it…"

"No. I mean, sometimes I think about how good it felt to just have something that blocked all of the pain and anger. But then I think about how bad I felt afterwards—the shame and self-hatred. "

 "Do you think you should maybe go to a drug counselor or a substance abuse support group?" she asked carefully, hoping that her suggestion didn't cause him to shut down or lash out at her.

"No," Ned repeated stubbornly. "Look, if I were consciously searching out ways to score coke all the time, I'd agree that I still had a problem. And it's not like I feel like I'd do anything for a hit. I'll figure out a way to deal with this, Nan—on my own."

Nancy was still skeptical, but she chose not to badger him. Instead, she changed the subject. "So, how was it talking to Mike and Howie before I came outside?"

"Good."

When he didn't elaborate, she sighed internally and took a different tack. "Did they ask you about California and why we came back?"

"Not really. I mean, Howie teased me about leaving the good weather, and he said that he and Shayna had been hoping to visit us."

"And Mike?"

Ned exhaled loudly, and her heart sank when he moved away so that she wasn't pressed up against his chest anymore Y _ou're still in his arms, though,_ she reminded herself. "Well, he wasn't exactly the warmest he's ever been. It felt kind of shitty to see my best friend for the first time in six months and have him act like he couldn't have cared less."

"That really must have been difficult," she told him sympathetically.

She felt him shrug. "Yeah, but it's not like I didn't deserve it. He brought up some of the shit that I'd rubbed his nose in when we'd talk on the phone—like our matching Mercedes convertibles, the clothes I bought, the jewelry I gave you..."

"Oh." Nancy didn't know what else to say; after all, if she had been Mike, she would've been pissed, too. Hell, she _had been_ Mike, she thought ruefully, having to deal with a Ned who only seemed to care about his newly-acquired material possessions. 

"Yeah." Ned laughed, but it was without mirth. "So you're in good company, Nan; you're not the only one I need to make amends to for my bad behavior."

"I'm sure Mike will come around," she reassured him tentatively, although she wasn't really certain.

"Maybe. He did act a little friendlier when I basically told him that I have a new appreciation for the way my life used to be and that I missed him."

"I'm glad."

"I just hope he can forgive me for being such a showoff—such an asshole."

"I'm sure he will." Nancy yawned. 

Ned rolled onto his back and pulled her to his chest again. "When I said it, I wasn't just talking about my friendship with Mike."

"No?" She wrapped her arm around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. 

"No. Because being back here, in our house and with our friends, has made me realize how hollow my life in California really was, baby." He began stroking her hair. "And I feel so damn lucky that I have a second chance to make things right.  Everything I ever wanted is right here—my beautiful wife, and a child on the way…"  Ned cupped his hand over her tiny belly.  "Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?"

"I don't know," she whispered, surprised when the words crossed her lips.  "Ned, I just need time. Like Sol said—I need to know that I can trust you again."

Ned sighed, and she could hear the disappointment in his voice when he finally spoke. "I know. And I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I get it."

"I still love you," she whispered, so quietly that she wasn't sure he could hear her.

"I love you, too," he whispered back, rubbing her tummy. "And I love you, little baby Nickerson."

Nancy's eyes welled up with tears. "Just wait until you can feel him or her kick."

"That'll be one of the best days of my life."

\--

The next morning, Nancy found herself curled up on her side, Ned spooned up behind her. His arm was slung around her waist, and his hand still curved possessively around her stomach.  The day dawned gray and cloudy, and it was cool and dark in their bedroom. She guessed that they would hear rain pattering on the windowpanes and roof any minute now. 

She was in the process of easing herself out of bed when Ned's hand gently tightened around her. 

"Where are you going, Mrs. Nickerson?" he whispered into her ear.

"I was going to get up and make breakfast," she whispered back.

Ned planted a kiss on her cheek, his rough stubble scraping her skin. "Are you hungry?"

"No, but I thought you might be." Nancy craned her neck sideways so that she could see him and was amused by the sight of his dark hair sticking straight up from his scalp.

"I am, but not for food, Mrs. Nickerson."

Her pulse quickened, despite her best intentions. "Are you saying that you want to work up an appetite?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Ned gently rolled her backwards and shifted so that he was propped up on his elbows as he hovered over her, careful not to put his weight on her stomach. 

"I have to admit that I hoped we'd make love last night, after our talk. But just when I was about to give you one of my best moves, you fell asleep, Nan." He let out a mock groan. 

She laughed.  "In my defense, it was late, we had a tough conversation, and this whole business of growing your child makes me very tired all the time."

"Well, I think I can let it go this once," Ned teased.

Nancy delighted in the fact that they were being playful with each other. It felt like that hadn't happened in a very long time  For a moment, it seemed like a normal Sunday morning, one that they would have shared before Ned had started his job in California. 

"So, what are you going to do to convince me?"

"Well," he drawled, "I thought the fact that I haven't shaved yet could help me make my case. After all, I seem to remember that someone loves it when I eat her out and my chin stubble rubs against her clit."

The very bundle of nerves he was referring to pulsed in answer. "Mmmm, it's been a while, so she can't quite remember. "

"Let me refresh her memory." Ned scooted down so that his face was directly hovering above the join of her thighs.  He inched her pajama pants down her hips and Nancy shifted so that he could strip them all the way off.

"Mmm," he sighed, gently pushing her thighs apart. "One of my favorite sights."

"Mmmm," she happily agreed when his tongue grazed her sensitive inner flesh. "Good."

Ned licked her clit in slow laps, and Nancy arched her back, letting out a low moan of pleasure.  The fingers of her right hand twisted into his dark hair as she wound her legs around his back. 

When Ned pulled away, she emitted a loud cry of protest—until he began rubbing the stubbled point of his chin against her already-sensitive clit.  Nancy's scream was high-pitched as he kept moving the prickly skin back and forth in agonizingly slow strokes. Frantically, desperately, she used her free hand to yank up the hem of her tank top, exposing her breasts so that she could pinch and rub her hard nipples. 

Ned lifted his head, and his chin gleamed from the wetness between her legs. "Good, baby?"

"Oh fuck, yeah," she panted blissfully. "Please keep going."

He gave her a wicked grin before ducking his head back down, this time rubbing against her faster.  Nancy could feel her orgasm building as she tilted her head back, the crown brushing over her pillowcase. 

"Scream for me," Ned told her, his voice muffled as he resumed his licking. 

"Ned," she gasped, the palm of her left hand frantically working over the tip of her breast.   The soles of her feet slid over his lower back. 

"Scream for me," he repeated, dragging his chin over her again. 

Nancy's climax was maddeningly close; she could _feel_ herself just on the brink. 

"Mmm, this is so good," she panted.  "You are so good."

Ned kissed her clit before sliding his stubble over her once more; when he pushed her hand away to fondle her nipples, the tension broke and she screamed loudly, closing her eyes as the flesh between her legs pulsed.  Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears, and her face was hot. 

After he gave a few final licks, Ned moved back up to rest his head on the pillow,  lying next to her on his side as Nancy struggled to get her breathing back under control. When she finally opened her eyes, she found Ned gazing down at her with a slightly amused grin on his face. 

"Thank you," she murmured. 

"You're welcome," he replied, his grin getting slightly wider. 

It felt odd, this formality between them, and Nancy wanted to break it. "Is that all you wanted to do this morning?" she teased him.  "Go down on me and then have breakfast?"

He laughed, reaching over to stroke her still-bare breasts. "Well, I did have something else in mind."

Nancy reached down and pulled the tank top over her head in one swift motion.  "Okay, now I'm naked and you aren't." 

For once, she didn't feel that self-conscious about being nude in front of him. The look in his eyes was one of pure desire, and she felt like she was with the old Ned, not the one who had changed so much over the last six months.

Ned slipped off his pajamas, and Nancy palmed his erect cock.  He sighed with pleasure before bending his head to capture her mouth with his. They continued kissing for a while as Nancy stroked him.

"Do you want to be on top?" he asked her, panting slightly as he broke their kiss. 

She shook her head. "Can you do it?"

Ned gently kissed her again before climbing on top of her once more, balancing his weight on one elbow as he let his hand roam over her.  When his fingers parted her inner lips and stroked her still-sensitive clit, she moaned into his mouth. He moved down and his stubble brushed against her nipple just before he ran his tongue over it and suckled. 

Once she felt herself start to get wet again, Ned took his damp fingers and stroked his cock with the evidence of her arousal.  Nancy opened her legs even wider as he guided himself to her opening and slid inside. 

"Mmmm," she moaned as he began to stroke inside her. Outside, the rain began to steadily beat against their roof. 

"My gorgeous redhead," Ned told her hoarsely. "My sweet, gorgeous Nancy."

His words caused her to freeze, suddenly recalling Josh's words from last night. When he had called her ‘Red', she had immediately been reminded of Ben and his nickname for her, and the feelings of guilt had come back in full force.

Now, she couldn't seem stop thinking of all of the time she had spent with the other man while her husband had been sneaking around with Carly. How she and Ned had grown so damn far apart. How her husband, the man she had known and loved for so long, could have strayed so far from his morals and character by becoming involved with another woman and doing drugs.

"Nan?" Ned's voice broke into her thoughts, and she forced herself to focus on his face as he stopped his thrusting. "Nan, baby, are you okay?"

"Um, yeah," Nancy managed to choke out. "I'm fine." When he gave her another quizzical glance, she forced a smile and nodded slightly, which Ned took as his cue to resume fucking her. 

She couldn't stop thinking about the past, though. What Sol had said during her last therapy session had stuck with her. If she couldn't find a way to trust Ned again, then there would be no way to make their reconciliation a permanent one. Nancy wanted so badly to go back to the way their marriage used to be, but too much had happened between them for that to even be an option.

She still loved Ned, of that she was certain, but every time she looked at him, she wondered if there was anything else he was hiding from her. And if he'd stray again if their relationship was ever tested like it had been in California. Before he'd taken that fucking job in Los Angeles, Nancy had never once had to question his love and desire for her—this doubt and uncertainty was completely alien to her, and she still didn't know how to handle it. 

Nancy looked at her husband's powerful shoulders and his strong chest as he continued to move inside her. She still couldn't quite believe that he had been using cocaine, and hiding it from her. She honestly didn't know which the worse of the two sins was, but it didn't even matter. His revelations at Sol's office had shaken her to her core.

The idea of having a baby with him, given the fragile state of their marriage, had been frightening enough; the idea of having a baby with a man who had used coke regularly, who could relapse into doing drugs again if the temptation proved too strong to resist, was even scarier.

"Nan?" Ned asked again, his brow crinkled as he stopped mid-thrust. "Are you really okay? 

"Yeah," she lied. "Why?"

"Because I'm having sex with you and you're not moving or responding?"

"I'm sorry. I just…" She trailed off.

"Are you not into this right now?" Ned queried tentatively.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "Keep going."

He gave her a doubtful look but reached down to stroke her clit as he slipped his cock into her once more. Nancy did her best to pay attention, but she couldn't quite focus. When Ned told her that he couldn't hold out any longer, she faked her orgasm and told him to come. 

After he had spent himself inside her, Ned dropped onto his side once more, panting heavily from the exertion. Nancy gave him a tentative smile and cupped her hand around his cheek. 

When he was finally able to speak, he regarded her curiously. "Nan… why did you just fake it? If you weren't in the mood, you could have just said so."

Nancy looked down at the pale yellow sheet that he'd just pulled over them, not able to meet her husband's gaze.  She should have known he'd be able to tell. "Because I didn't want to make you angry," she admitted softly. 

"Nan…" Ned reached out and stroked her hair. "I wouldn't have been angry. Disappointed, sure, but not angry." She didn't answer. "Look at me, please?" 

Nancy finally looked up. "Things were okay between us last night, and this morning, you went down on me… it reminded me of the way things used to be, and it was so nice to be with you when we weren't arguing or calling each other names. I didn't want to do anything to mess it up."

"I get it, but lying to each other is what got us into this position in the first place," Ned reminded her gently. 

"When we first started, I was in the mood," she admitted. "But then I couldn't stop thinking."

"About what we talked about in Sol's office?" he guessed accurately. 

She was about to dismiss his comment when she stopped herself. "Yeah. What happened last night really brought all of that stuff to the forefront for me again."

"Honey, you saw me turn it down."

"I know, but it just reminded me of what you'd turned into when we were in California." Ned opened his mouth and looked like he was going to protest, but she kept talking. "What I turned into, what _we_ turned into. And I'm terrified of going backwards."

"We won't, Nan." Ned bent his head and kissed her gently, and she could taste her arousal still lingering on his tongue. "That's why we're seeing Sol. So we can learn how to get past all of it. And the baby is another way that we're going to be able to move forward.  I know we're not perfect yet, we're still far from it, but I believe in my heart that we'll get closer to it soon, with Sol's help. "

"Thank you," she whispered. 

"For what?" He seemed surprised. 

"For reassuring me. For not getting mad."

Ned kissed her again. "I love you and I'm going to fight for you, Nan—for us, and for our baby."

Nancy shifted to her side so that she could face him. "Are you still hungry?" She smoothed a lock of dark hair off his forehead. 

"Sure am," he grinned at her. "And since today looks like it's going to be a rainy, shitty day, what do you say we go to a movie later and then out to dinner? I'll even let you pick the place."

"Wow—I'm impressed," she laughed. 

"You should be." He ran his hand over her bare stomach. "I just want to make sure that our son or daughter gets what he or she is craving."

"Then I'll insist on lot of heavily-buttered popcorn and the big box of M&Ms at the movie theater. For the baby's sake."

Ned chuckled. "And if I got a box of Reese's Pieces and my own tub of popcorn, you'd leave them alone?"

"No guarantees, Ned—I make no guarantees."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

Ned was relieved when he saw Sol standing at the entrance of the modern glass-and-metal office building in downtown Chicago, dressed in his usual attire. Today he wore a Black Flag tour shirt from the early '80s and a pair of beat-up combat boots; Ned had found a Rolling Stones t-shirt he had inherited from his father and layered it over a black henley, and he saw Sol's little half-smile of recognition before Sol led them both inside. Around them flowed a perpetual stream of young and middle-aged professionals, chattering with their Bluetooth earpieces, conducting rapid conversations as they hurried to the next meeting, the next deal. Their tailored suits and gleaming watches and cufflinks just made Ned miss his former life all the more.

"So what have you been up to?"

Ned shifted in his seat on the cream-colored microsuede couch. Their first one-on-one meeting had been at another therapist's office, and Ned hadn't expected a place like this. Today's meeting place was sleek and modern. Reflected in the large plate-glass window, Ned could see a conventional family photo standing beside the dim computer monitor. Husband's hand on the wife's shoulder, two grinning children, all of them in black turtlenecks.

This office, the bustle around them, all of it—this was the life Ned was supposed to have.

Ned swiped under his nose, then pressed the ball of his thumb against his wedding ring, causing it to push away from his skin just above his knuckle. "Been working on my resume," he said, his voice a little gruff.

"Any good prospects?"

"Looking for a career change?" Ned's sarcastic smile faded as he shook his head. "The only thing I'm qualified to do... well, bullshit. Not just qualified. I was great at what I did in California. And here, before I took the promotion, too."

Sol tilted his head, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, waiting for Ned to elaborate.

Ned sighed. "My boss in Cali, I'm sure she'd give me a good reference."

"And if you take a job similar to the one you had there..."

Ned ran his fingers through his hair. "Then I'll be in the same kind of situations that got me so fucked up in the first place," he said, frowning.

"I'm glad you realize that," Sol said quietly. "And I'm also glad you came clean about the coke use."

Ned glanced up at Sol. "You... did you just have a hunch about it or something?"

Sol shrugged a little. "You have a habit of doing this," he said, swiping his thumb under his nose, "when you're frustrated or upset."

"Oh." Ned caught himself lifting his hand to do exactly that, and let it fall back down onto his knee. "I didn't know that."

Sol lifted the paper cup of coffee he had brought into the office with him for a sip, then settled back into his chair. "So you miss your job in California."

"I miss all of it," Ned admitted, rubbing his forehead. "Well, not—"

Sol waved his hand. "We're alone," he said. "And I've been there. The life... it's seductive. I understand."

Ned sat forward. "But that... that wasn't all of it. When I was out there—it wasn't just the money, the cars, the house, although that was part of it. Carly coming onto me every chance she got? Even after I told her I wasn't interested? Yeah. It was good. I... I was _somebody._ Clients were starting to actually request me and my team for their campaigns. I could give my wife, our child, this amazing life; I was just going to have to work really hard for a while. And now..." Ned shook his head. "Now I'm right back to where I started—but actually, _no_. I'm not even _that_ good. I'm fucking unemployed because she _demanded_ it. It was either the job or her. It was this great thing I'm actually _good_ at, or her. And then I give it up and come back here and she's angry almost all the goddamn time..."

"You resent her for it."

Ned paused for a moment before letting himself nod. "Yeah," he admitted. "She has no fucking idea... God, coming back here..."

"What about it?" Sol asked neutrally.

Ned clenched his jaw for a moment. "You know who I am here?" he asked. "I'm Mr. Nancy Drew. I'm the son-in-law of a famous criminal defense attorney. I'm Nancy's husband. But out there? She was my wife. People knew _me_. People wanted to be around me, and she was the beautiful woman at _my_ side, and she couldn't fucking deal with it, after I was that guy for _her_ for so long.

"And you know what kills me? What utterly fucking kills me? I go online yesterday, you know, just to look at maybe a crib or something, you know? To get ready for our baby. But I'm not making any goddamn money. I can't provide for this baby I have on the way. _She's_ the one working and I'm fucking dependent on her to pay the goddamn mortgage and take care of us, and her fucking job puts her at risk, _constantly_. And I feel like utter shit.

"And if I was still out there..."

"If you were still out there what," Sol prompted quietly.

"I could _provide_ for her."

"But you quit your job."

"Because she asked me to. Because it was staying with her or keeping the job."

"And you gave up something that made you feel...?"

"Like I _meant_ something. It made me feel good. I was on track for a promotion when I walked away, I just fucking walked away like an asshole. And if I wanted to..." Ned shook his head.

"Do you regret the decision?"

Ned hung his head, breathing deeply. "No," he said. "No. And yes. Sometimes." He brought his head back up, his dark eyes miserable. "I would never give up my marriage. Regardless of what Nancy thinks, and I really fucking hate that I made her doubt how I feel about her... I would never walk away from my marriage. And she fucking used that to make me walk away from the other really good thing I had going in my life. I hate that. I just... I thought that it would be simple, you know? Pick A or B. Stay or come back here. Leave Nancy for good or come back to her. And we would be happy. She would be happy again.

"But she isn't. She fucking isn't."

Sol tilted his head. "And do you imagine what your life would be like in California, right now? If you'd made the other choice?"

"I'd be working my ass off, and I know that," Ned said, and sighed. "Probably be fucking Carly every night, getting high with her. And... I'd be miserable, without Nancy."

"But you'd have the work," Sol said. "And working is important to you."

"Of course it fucking is!" Ned said hotly. "She didn't sign up to be married to some deadbeat... some..." Ned clenched his fingers tight into fists. "Into some coke-using alcoholic workaholic."

"Are you saying you're an alcoholic, Ned?"

Ned shook his head wearily. "No," he murmured. "No. I just... I needed it then. I haven't had anything to drink since three days before I left. Except that one beer."

"I think you mentioned a call from Nancy is what convinced you to come here. But you were upset, and you said you got high with Carly..."

Ned looked down again. "I didn't even know she was here," he admitted. "I was just... giving her time to cool off. And then Carly... I mean, _fuck_. She just wouldn't let up. She was everywhere I went, sending me texts, she was..." He ran his hand through his hair, and he flushed a little. "When we got together when Nan was gone, we... we went to the bathroom to get high, and Nan basically had broken Carly's nose, so Carly, in _front_ of me, she fucking... she took the coke and put it—up her fucking crotch. Told me she was horny enough to fuck for _hours_."

"And you still didn't," Sol said.

"I was three fucking seconds away from going into her house with her when I got a call from work." Ned looked down, miserable. "And if I'd gone inside with her..."

"Does Nancy know about this?"

"No." Ned's voice was so quiet it was almost imperceptible.

"When you knew where Nancy was, once she gave you the ultimatum, how long did it take you to decide? Did you know immediately?"

Ned shook his head. "I... the things Carly kept saying to me. It was like she just kept going for the jugular. She kept telling me Nancy and I had grown apart, that we weren't happy with each other anymore. That I needed someone who was happy with the life I'd chosen. Someone who _wanted_ to be with me. And Nancy... she just wasn't that person anymore."

"Sounds like that was a pretty persuasive argument."

"And... if Nancy was unhappy with me, if she was so unhappy... then I wouldn't have to do anything. She gave me a deadline. I thought about... just letting it expire. Just letting her be free." Ned unconsciously swiped under his nose again. "But I swear that was before she had told me about the baby."

"So if her pregnancy wasn't the reason you came back to her, can you tell me what was?"

Ned looked up, then let out a humorless chuckle. "Y'know... it was that my mother called me. She reminded me of everything that Nancy and I had together. Twelve years. Twelve years we've been dating and together. We were so happy together, so unbelievably happy together."

"Were," Sol repeated softly.

"I was looking through a photo album with her—with Nan, once we were back here. Our honeymoon. We were so young. We didn't know..."

"What didn't you know?"

"What was going to happen."

Sol shifted in his seat. "People change," he said quietly. "People do change, Ned. She's probably not the same person you married, but neither are you. The trick is learning to adapt to that. To change and grow with the other person. The past that you shared with her, that's important—but the future is even more important. And I'm a firm believer in simplicity, in eliminating the extraneous. If you want to build a future with her, it's just that. It's something you have to build, every single day. You have to rebuild trust with her, to convince her that you're worthy of her trust again, but in all honesty, she needs to do the same with you."

Ned nodded. "She does," he agreed.

"You implied strongly that she has been unfaithful at other times?"

"When we were dating."

"But not after your engagement, after you were married?"

Ned shook his head. "Not until now," he said, and snorted.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Like a fool," Ned said, and looked down. "I spent a summer working my ass off to get her this beautiful diamond engagement ring. Worked all the hours I could. She threw a fit because I couldn't go with her to Europe instead."

"Did she know you were...?"

Ned shook his head. "No. It was going to be a surprise. But thanks to that little fight... all summer I could feel her pulling away from me. Then she comes home and tells me she met this amazing guy, this Australian detective asshole, who actually proposed to her. Fucking _proposed_ to her.

"And my cousin—we went out to San Francisco to visit my cousin when she came back from Europe... I told him about it, and he told me that when it hurts more to be with someone than it would to be without them, you have to let them go."

"Did you break up with her then?"

Ned shook his head, his jaw set. He was angry all over again, thinking about Mick. "I... I wanted to. But we were staying at my cousin's house for another few days, and... she cried, begged me, pleaded with me. Wrote me a note telling me that for the rest of her life she would never stop trying to get me back, that she wasn't going to give up on us..." He shook his head again.

"So she has a history of emotional intimacy with other men."

"I... yeah."

"How did that make you feel?"

"How the fuck do you—" Ned cut off his angry outburst, forcing himself to calm down. "I told her that if it happened again, we were through."

"But that was before."

"Because we were _married_ after that," Ned said angrily. "And I thought she was done with that shit."

Sol paused. "I think we need to talk about goals," he said. "What you want to see not just in your relationship, but in your professional life. From what I've heard from both of you, it seems like you both changed while you were in California, and you're having trouble reestablishing your identities and relationship in this environment."

"I look around our house and I just remember what we used to have. And it hurts."

"What you had... that isn't lost, Ned. What you remember happened. But it's up to you to determine how things go from here, both you and Nancy.

"And your cousin gave you good advice—and so did Carly, despite herself. You can't hang your future happiness on what happened in the past; nor can you cling so tightly to the mistakes you've both made, to the point that you destroy what you _could_ have instead. People _can_ grow apart. You came back to her because of your history; Nancy was willing to take you back because she's pregnant."

Ned looked down again. "And that was all," he said quietly.

"I don't want to discuss this until both of you are here, not really, but... I think you said something about her considering an abortion."

Ned nodded. "She told me that she had considered it. That if I hadn't come to Illinois before her deadline was up..."

"I've seen relationships built on less," Sol told Ned. "Maybe the baby was the primary reason she took you back, but she could have had an abortion and asked you for a divorce without telling you about it.

"How did you react when she told you she'd considered that? How did it make you feel?"

"Like... like the floor had dropped out from under me. We fought for so long—the fucking fertility appointments, her fucking 'I'm ovulating so we have to have sex tonight'... it was such a sore point between us, and I accused her more than once of wanting to get pregnant just so she could get out of California."

"If she genuinely perceived a pregnancy as a non-confrontational way to get you to go back home..." Sol pointed out.

Ned shrugged. "So after all that fucking heartache, for her to admit that she just... she didn't want a baby anymore. That she could have killed my _child_ and never told me about it."

"You were angry."

"I still am." Ned frowned.

Sol reached for his small notebook and made a note. "A year from now, tell me how you would like your life to be."

Ned took a long, deep breath. "A good job," he said. "My relationship with Nancy to be back on track. I want to be able to support her and our child."

"So your priority is the work."

"No—"

"It's the first thing you said," Sol pointed out.

"I... I'm here. You _know_ Nancy is my priority. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be _here_ in Illinois, except for her."

Sol made another note, then put the notebook down. "So you were in a position to support her, but she was unhappy and your marriage was strained," he said. "And then, to take the strain off your marriage... you did something that made _you_ unhappy."

Ned nodded. "And she doesn't see that," he said quietly.

Sol took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose for a moment. "So let's focus on the job," he said. "Fixing your relationship is going to take time. But finding a job that won't put you back in those same stressful situations that drove you to destructive coping mechanisms... that's a little easier."

After the session, some of what Sol had said kept echoing in Ned's head, and when he passed a bar, he actually stopped on the sidewalk and looked up at it. He wanted a drink so badly he could almost taste it.

No. _No_ , he admitted to himself. He didn't want a drink. What he truly wanted was to stop feeling this way. And until things changed between them, until he had a job, he didn't see how anything was going to get any better.

Ned spent the afternoon combing through job listings online, but he agreed with Sol. For him to go back to work at an agency... maybe his old agency hadn't put him in quite the same social circles that the one in Los Angeles had, but he had found himself in plenty of similar situations: parties and other alcohol-soaked events, demanding clients and high-pressure deadlines, coworkers who totally separated their home lives from their work lives and felt no guilt about going home to a wife while they kept a mistress or two on speed-dial. Casual offers of coke and other uppers.

He thought again about starting his own agency. He _knew_ he was good; he knew that he had a unique take on the work, and he had a number of the contacts that he would need to start building it. But it would take a lot of hard work, a lot of hours, and he would need help.

Not to mention the hours he would be away from his wife. Considering how tentative things were between them now, he hated that idea, but the thought of just sticking around the house, depending on her to support them both, all three of them, especially in her condition—that was even less tolerable.

The other five beers were still in the refrigerator. Knowing they were there was putting Ned's teeth on edge, and when he had thought about pouring them out, then he'd thought about how Nancy would react, seeing five empty beer bottles in the recycling bin.

And that put his teeth on edge, too.

Ned was warily checking public-relations jobs, even though the thought of taking such a job made him feel irritated, when Nancy came in. After he had returned home following his therapy session, the blizzard that had been threatening all morning had finally struck, and Nancy had texted him to let him know she would be a little late. Ned stood up when his wife closed the door behind her, letting out a long sigh, and then he dragged his gaze from what he was reading to her face. "I thought we could have," he began, and then his expression darkened.

Nancy sighed again, frowning as she put her purse down and began to unwind her scarf. "Don't start," she said tiredly.

"Don't fucking _start_?" Ned replied.

"Ned, it's nothing—"

Ned walked over to her, flipping on the kitchen light, and took her chin in his hand, tipping her face so he could see it. She blinked and squirmed away from him, but not before he saw the ugly bruise on her left cheek. "That's not nothing," he told her angrily.

She folded her arms after she took her coat off, a few melted snowflakes still clinging to her hood. "Guy just got in a lucky punch. It's fine. Calm down. What were you saying when I came in?"

"I thought I could make hamburgers for dinner."

She wrinkled her nose, opening the refrigerator, then the freezer. "I'm not hungry," she said.

"You have to eat, Nancy."

"I _don't_. I'm not _hungry._ I just need to sit down."

He followed her to the living room, and saw her looking at his computer screen. The list of public relations jobs was still pulled up, and Ned flushed a little without really being sure about why. "Nan, you have to take care of yourself. God _damn_ it."

Nancy scowled at him. "Look, I didn't walk up to that asshole and ask him to hit me, okay?"

"No, but you _work there_."

Nancy threw her hands in the air. "Oh, and _now_ we're back at that again. Really?"

"I hate the fact that you're in that kind of situation, but I was willing to put up with it... but now you're pregnant. And I won't let you risk your health or the baby's health like that."

She stood up, crossing her arms again. "You won't _let_ me. Well, guess what? _One_ of us has to be making some money, sweetheart, and I'm the one with a job."

"And you wouldn't even _have_ to fucking work if I still had my job."

Ned regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. His therapy session with Sol had left his job on his mind, but he had never meant to say something like that to her, knowing how she felt about it.

She flushed immediately. "What are you trying to say?" she demanded, her voice rising. "Do you want to fucking go _back_ there? Then fucking _go_ back there, you asshole. If you miss it so much."

"Is that always going to be your fucking trump card?" he shouted back. "At least when I was making all that fucking money I could provide for you and keep you safe—you wouldn't even _have_ to work. And you fucking come home with a fucking bruise on your face and I'm supposed to just smile and kiss you on the cheek and ask how your day was?"

"This is what I _do_ , Ned," she shouted back, her eyes blazing. "This is all I fucking have left. You destroyed everything else in my life, and now you want to take this away too?"

"Because I'm an asshole for caring about you and wanting to make sure you're safe."

"In California. Where you can _fuck your whore_ ," she spat at him.

Ned wanted to throw his laptop against the wall. He took a deep breath, but it didn't help. "Nancy," he said warningly. "For the last goddamn time."

She shook her head. "Save it," she snapped. "I know, I know. You didn't fuck her. You wouldn't fuck her. You promised to be fucking faithful to me, too. Just like you promised me that you would never fucking do drugs. Remember that? Do you _remember that_?"

"It was a _mistake_."

"A _mistake_ you made over and over and over again."

"I've changed."

"I know you have. I know you changed. And I don't know who you are anymore. And when you came back to me I thought we had a chance, but if you could bring up California as a goddamn possibility..."

"I'm supposed to _provide_ for you," Ned shouted. "Both of you. And I could have, I _was_ , and now? Now I feel like you have me on a goddamn tether and I can't step out of line or you'll just change _your_ mind too. I mean, if you get mad enough, Nan, are you just going to go have that abortion? Just cut that possibility off—"

She closed the distance between them quickly, raising her hand, and Ned grabbed her wrist before she could slap him. She was so angry she was trembling. "How fucking _dare you_ ," she hissed, struggling against him. "How the fuck dare you say that to me, when for the rest of our lives I'm going to just wait for you to come home drunk and high again? Because you were fucking _addicted_ , and that doesn't fucking change! For the rest of our _lives_ you're going to be addicted, and it's just a matter of time..."

Ned paled. "Baby, I swear to you—"

"You swear, you _swear,_ " she said, her voice ugly, and she wrenched herself away from him, then wiped her wet cheeks with her fingers. "What you swear doesn't mean shit to me. You will never be able to fix this. Never."

"And you think I feel good, knowing that the next time you get mad at me, you'll just go fuck some guy, the way you always did before? All that drinking and the—the coke—" It was still hard to talk about it, even now. "All that was because of work, but you? You've been cheating on me since we _met_ , baby."

Nancy blinked, sending another pair of tears down her cheeks. "Fuck you," she said, panting, and ran for the stairs.

Ned pounded up after her, unwilling to let it go, not after she had accused him of being a goddamn drug addict. "I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do to make you happy," he said angrily. "I can't be concerned about you, or unconcerned. I can't have a goddamn beer with my dinner. I have five beers in the fridge that will be there until the fucking end of time just to prove to you that I can withstand temptation."

She yanked off her shirt, digging in her drawer for a henley to put on, and Ned saw a bruise to match the one on her face, on her upper arm. She swiped again at her wet cheeks before she glanced over at him, his face darkening at the sight of that second bruise. "Look, I don't give a fuck what you do," she told him angrily, then tugged her shirt on. "Go drink every one of those beers if that's what you want to do. I don't give a fuck."

She was stepping out of her skirt, finding a pair of her fleece lounging pants, when Ned crossed to her. "I don't _want_ a beer," he told her. "I want to—I want things to stop being like this between us."

"How?" she demanded, sweeping her hair out of her face as she walked to the bathroom, then began to wash her ruined makeup off. "Are you just going to wipe out the last damn year like it didn't happen?"

Ned sighed. "I know we can't do that."

Nancy dried her face off, then looked over at him. "I feel like all I do is wait for you to prove to me that I made a mistake, taking you back," she said, shaking her head. "I know you have to go back to work, but I just know some little slut is going to go after you—and it'll be that much easier for you to break your vows to me again, since you already have."

"And you think I'm not worried about the same thing?" he asked angrily. "Except that, oh, _really_ , that's already _fucking happened._ You put yourself in situations where you've been almost raped, punched, _hurt_ , and you already look so fucking frail..."

She blinked another pair of tears down her cheeks, then reached for a tissue. "If it upsets you so goddamn much, go back to L.A.," she returned, glaring at him. "You can make _plenty_ of money out there. Send me nice fat child support payments and take care of the kid on holidays—except, oh, wait, no you won't. You'll be at work. Or coked up with your fucking mistress. If I upset you so _goddamn much_ , just _leave. Again._ "

Ned shook his head, grabbing her arm. "I'm not going anywhere. _Someone_ has to make sure you take care of yourself, since you don't give a fuck."

She wrenched away from him again with another angry cry. "You mean _someone_ has to make sure I have this baby," she replied forcefully. "The only reason you're still trying anymore."

Ned's eyes widened as he searched her face. "That's the only reason _you're_ still trying," he accused her. "Just admit it. Just fucking admit it. You don't want to fix this for _us_. Not really."

"Because it can't _be_ fixed," she cried, tears gleaming in her eyes. "What you did can't be undone."

"And what you did can't be undone either," he told her, holding her gaze. "I keep trying to move forward, but every fucking time you rub in my face what I've done, and it makes me hate myself all over again. If you keep making me feel like I don't deserve you... eventually, I'll act like it, too."

"Was that a threat?" she snapped, her lips trembling.

He shook his head. "I want to build a life with you again," he said, his voice slow and firm. "I want to move forward. But we can't do that if all we ever fucking do is talking about what we've _done_ instead of what we need to do."

"But how can I build a future with you," she said, her voice soft, her eyes sad. "Tell me. Because you're a stranger to me."

"And you're a stranger to me," he told her. "I never thought the woman I married would actually consider having an abortion, or have a goddamn affair. You say you don't trust me, but how the fuck am I supposed to trust you?"

She wiped her cheeks again. "And both those things were directly a result of the shit _you_ did."

"Which means the next time you get mad at me, you'll consider it again?"

She glared at him. "You say that like it was this, this fucking choice I made as soon as I got out there," she said. "I gave you _plenty_ of chances to prove to me that I hadn't made a fucking mistake moving to California with you, and you just kept fucking disappointing me, over and over."

"You told me our marriage was over _unless_ we were together," he reminded her.

"Yeah, but I didn't understand that it already was," she returned, sitting down on the bed, wiping her face again.

Ned shook his head impatiently. "No, baby, it _wasn't_ —"

"Why the hell would you take a job in California _unless_ you wanted to be separated from me?"

Ned flushed. "We fucking _talked about it_ ," he shouted. "I _told you_ that if you didn't want me to go, I _wouldn't_."

"And then you would have hated me," she shot back. "What fucking choice did I have? Really, what choice did I have?"

"I don't know, maybe to tell me the goddamn _truth_?"

"After you'd applied for—"

Ned shook his head hard. "I didn't. Remember? I applied for a promotion in the _Chicago_ office. They _offered me_ the job in L.A. I never _asked_ to be thousands of miles away from my wife. And that was after _you_ took that job with Hardy without even asking me."

She flushed. "It was just a little favor," she muttered.

"A favor that ended with those guys beating the _shit_ out of you in Montreal. And if something like that happened to you now? You'd just turn it into another goddamn fight." Ned shook his head. "It's like you're _daring me_ to give a damn about you, and then you jump on me when I go out of my mind worrying about you. I can't do anything right."

Nancy looked down, sniffling. "Well, you got what you wanted," she told him bitterly. "I can't do anything right when it comes to you, either. I can't do what I love because it's too fucking dangerous."

"Nan..." Ned sighed. "I'm not... I'm not saying you can't, okay? Just... you know there are assignments you can take that _aren't_ going to put you so much in harm's way."

She shook her head. "Sure," she said tiredly. "Yeah. You win, okay?" She glanced up at him.

The expression on her face made him ache. "I don't want to _win_ ," he murmured. "I just want you safe. Why are you making me feel like shit over that?"

Nancy reached up, rubbing her forehead. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I just... I feel like I'm stuck. The work is what I love, Ned. And if I eat more I'll get sick... and if I get fat and you don't... you don't want me..."

He sat down beside her on the bed, gingerly touching her knee. "Baby, I always want you. I always have. You have always been beautiful to me."

She shook her head. "No I haven't," she whispered. "Or it wasn't enough. Else she wouldn't have been able to tempt you."

Ned looked down, clamping his teeth together to keep from snapping at her again. "It wasn't like that," he whispered.

"Then what was it—never mind. Never fucking mind."

Ned ran his hand through his hair. "Fine," he said tiredly.

She took a shivering breath. "I have to work for _us_ , to support _us_ right now," she whispered. "But, Ned, I have to work, period. I can't be fucking chained to the stove and the house. It drove me crazy those first few weeks in L.A. when I didn't even have a job, when I felt like I was just home waiting for you..."

Ned made a soft sound. "And I loved it," he admitted quietly. "You were _safe._ And... now you know how I feel right now. Except I'm your husband, and I'm supposed to be the one providing for you—and if I go back to work..."

"And if you go back to work it'll just be a matter of time."

Ned reached for her hand. "I swear to you," he began, then shook his head. "It doesn't matter what I swear or promise or vow anymore, does it."

She shook her head. "It doesn't," she admitted.

"I love you," he told her. "And I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but you just won't fucking _let me_. If I can never manage to earn your trust again..."

"Then why make yourself worthy of it," she whispered, finishing his thought. "And if our marriage is so broken, if I can never trust you again..."

"Then why are we still here," he murmured. "Going to therapy, talking about all this, if there's no chance. Nan, we love each other. The rest of it, I _know_ it'll take time, but we can figure it out."

She glanced over at him. "I love you too," she told him. "I've always loved you. Even when I've hated you. And that kills me."

He reached up and touched her cheek. "It would hurt me more to be without you," he whispered. "And that's the truth. That has always been the truth. Please have a little faith in me and I swear I—I won't let you down, Nan. Not again. Not ever again."

She squeezed his hand. "Okay," she whispered. "I... I think I can try to eat, but I just need to lie down for a minute, okay?"

He nodded. "You want me to bring it up to you?"

She took a long breath. "Okay," she agreed, and Ned was surprised by how pale she was. He pulled the covers back for her and helped her crawl beneath, tucking her in, then went downstairs, plugging in the grill to preheat.

He still felt a little shaky, but he couldn't help feeling a little relieved. At least they were okay, or kind of okay. She had said she would trust him, and that was more than she had done before.

He had just pulled out the ground beef to shape it into hamburgers when he heard Nancy's voice, faintly. She called his name once, and Ned quickly washed his hands, then went back upstairs.

Nancy was standing in the doorway between their bedroom and bathroom, her arms wrapped protectively around her still-slender belly. She was trembling, her eyes red-rimmed when she looked up at him.

"We need to go to the hospital," she said, and her face was chalk-pale.

"Is something wrong?" Ned asked, rushing over to her. His heart was pounding.

"It—it hurts," she said, gritting her teeth, her voice shaking. "And I'm bleeding."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

Ned had no idea why it was taking so fucking long for a doctor or nurse to come see them. After all, the hallways were fucking crawling with them, but every time he tried to flag someone down to find out what was going on, they gave him a sympathetic smile and rushed by, explaining that that someone would be in shortly to see his wife. 

The ride to the emergency room had seemed interminable. He had totally disregarded the speed limit, not caring whether a cop or a trooper would pull him over. Each time he'd looked over at Nancy, her lips had been pinched tight, her face pale as she clutched at the shoulder harness of her seat belt. 

He again leaned his head out of the curtained-off area where he and Nancy had been asked to wait once she'd been admitted. 

"Please stop," Nancy told him, but there was no force behind her words. "You're making me antsy."

"I can't help it, Nan – they've kept us waiting forever, and it's pissing me off."

"Well, your pacing and sticking your head out of the curtain every two minutes isn't helping, Ned."

He fought the urge to snap at her, remembering the events that had led up to their trip to the ER. "Sorry, Nan," he muttered. "Do you want some water, or tea?"

Nancy gave him what seemed like a forced smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "No thanks. They're already loading me up with liquids, remember?" She pointed to the IV sticking into a vein in the back of her hand, the other end snaking around to a hanging bag of sugar water suspended from a pole. 

Somehow, she looked even thinner, frailer, in the ugly blue hospital gown she'd been issued. The garment hung loosely off her shoulders, and the gaping at the collarbone showed just how the prominently the bones were sticking out from beneath her skin. Her face was gaunt in the harsh fluorescent lighting. 

He walked back to stand by her side as she perched on the examining table, reaching out his hand to her.  Nancy hesitated, clearing deliberating whether or not she wanted to accept it, before giving in. 

"Nan, I—"

His sentence was cut off by a tired-looking Asian man in his mid-forties, his white lab coat wrinkled and his stethoscope hanging crookedly around his neck. The minute he entered, Nancy let go of Ned's hand. 

 "Nancy Nickerson?" When Nancy nodded, he went on. "Your regular OB-GYN isn't the one on the emergency rotation tonight, which is why I'm here to see you – my name is Dr. Chang. I reviewed your admission paperwork, and it appears that you came in because of stomach pains and bleeding?"

"Yes," Nancy replied softly. "And then it got worse when we got here. I… I think that I had a miscarriage." 

The sadness and fear and vulnerability on her tear-streaked face were heartbreaking for Ned to see. "She was bleeding really heavily."

Dr. Chang gave them a sympathetic look, making Ned's stomach twist. "Is this your husband?" he asked Nancy. She nodded again, and the doctor gave them a sad smile. "I saw the wedding bands and guessed. Let me just take a look here."

After Nancy had her feet in the table's stirrups, the doctor began his examination.  Dr. Chang placed his stethoscope over Nancy's abdomen and moved it around, his face an expressionless mask.  Ned couldn't help but notice how Nancy winced as the ultrasound probe entered her. 

Apparently unable to face whatever it was they were about to see, Nancy turned her head away from the monitor. Ned tried to make eye contact with her, but his wife just closed her eyes.  

The doctor turned on the screen, carefully scanning the images of Nancy's uterus. While Ned knew absolutely nothing about obstetrics and gynecology, he had a sinking feeling that the images on the ultrasound screen weren't the ones they should be seeing for a normal, healthy pregnancy at the end of the first trimester. There was an eerie stillness to it all. He waited for the doctor to make any sort of a comment, but Dr. Chang remained silent. 

Once the doctor was finished, he stripped off his gloves and threw them into the red plastic receptacle with a huge yellow ‘medical waste' warning sticker on top. Just before the lid to the bin closed, Ned could see that the blue gloves were streaked with red. Nancy's blood. His unborn child's blood. His stomach flipped. 

After Dr. Chang finished washing his hands, he gestured for Nancy to sit up. She perched on the edge of the examination table again, clamping her legs together tightly.

Ned instinctively moved closer to Nancy, as if his body could shield her from the bad news that he had a feeling the doctor was about to deliver. This time, she blindly reached out for his hand, and Ned gripped it tightly. 

"I won't make you wait any longer. Mr. and Mrs. Nickerson, I'm very sorry to confirm that it was, in fact, a miscarriage."

Ned felt a wave of sadness crash over him upon hearing the doctor's words and Nancy's muted sobs.  

"We lost the baby?" she whispered, her voice catching. 

"I'm very sorry," Dr. Chang repeated, his tone gentle. "There was no heartbeat or movement from the fetus."

"So…" Ned cleared his throat. "So, doctor, will Nancy be okay? She wasn't hurt or harmed by this, right? All of that bleeding…"

"She'll probably be fine, Mr. Nickerson," the doctor reassured him. "We'll monitor her for a while longer to make sure her vitals are okay, but she probably won't need a blood transfusion. 

"We'll also need to do a D&C tonight – if we don't, your wife could get a serious infection."  When Ned gave him a blank look, Dr. Chang elaborated. "We'll scrape the lining of her uterus to get rid of any residual… tissue." 

Tissue. What had once been their growing baby was now dead tissue, Ned thought, sick. 

"Do we know why this happened?" Nancy asked, her voice thick with tears. 

_Please don't let him say that it was emotional trauma,_ Ned thought, remembering their ugly fight. 

"Your intake paperwork indicates that you didn't recently have a fall or engage in any extreme physical activity before it occurred," Dr. Chang commented, again reviewing Nancy's chart, and Ned watched Nancy guiltily touch her bruised face. 

"This?" she asked quietly, clearing her throat. "Could this have had anything to do with it?"

Ned bit his tongue so he wouldn't say something he'd surely regret later. 

"Were you punched in the stomach or knocked off your feet?" 

Nancy shook her head fervently, her reddish-blonde hair whipping around her face.  "No. He… he just punched my face and grabbed me by the arm, but I didn't fall or anything."

When the doctor gave Ned a look of suspicion, Nancy chuckled, but it was without mirth. "No, my husband didn't do this to me. I'm a private investigator, and the guy I was tracking was the one who attacked me."  Dr. Chang gave her a skeptical glance. "I swear – you can check with my employer." 

"Okay," the doctor replied, sounding obviously relieved.  "So it doesn't appear that was the cause here.  I would say that there could be any number of reasons."

"Like?" she pressed him, apparently deciding that now was the time to put her finely-honed investigative skills to good use as she wiped her wet cheek with the side of her hand. "I mean, could drinking have had something to do with it?"

The doctor looked up at that. "Were you drinking tonight, Mrs. Nickerson?"

Nancy shook her head vigorously. "No! But I had a drink or two before I knew I was pregnant, and…"

Even though he wasn't looking at her, Ned could feel her almost accusatory stare. _She thinks that I had something to do with this,_ he thought, feeling sick and guilty – and a little angry, too, he admitted to himself. 

"If it was just a drink or two before you were aware of the pregnancy, that wouldn't have been a factor," the doctor told her. 

Ned deliberated before asking the question that was running through his mind – and probably Nancy's, too. He had to force the words out. "What about drug use?"

"Not _me_ ," Nancy said clearly when the doctor looked at her, and Ned had to tamp down his irritation at her almost sanctimonious air. Now wasn't the right time to get into it with her.

Dr. Chang turned his gaze back to Ned. "Not unless it was consistent drug abuse. And it's usually only if the mother was a user. Although…"

His voice trailed off, and Ned felt an impending sense of dread. "What?"

"If the father was a drug user, then his sperm could have been compromised, thus resulting in a fetus that wasn't viable," the doctor told them gently.  Nancy sucked in a breath, and Ned felt himself turn pale. 

"But we can't pin this miscarriage on that one specific thing," Dr. Chang reassured him hastily. "There's no way for us to know the exact cause."

Ned could barely hear him over the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame roaring through his ears. He was scared to look at Nancy, scared to see the fury and disappointment he knew would be etched on her face. 

"Another possible factor could have been…" the doctor hesitated, apparently afraid to broach whatever topic he was about to introduce.

"Yes? Go ahead and say it, Dr. Chang," Nancy told him wearily. "We can take it." 

Personally, Ned wasn't sure whether he could, but he nodded his assent. 

"Low BMI – Body Mass Index – on the mother's part." 

"Me?" Nancy asked in a voice so low that Ned had to strain to hear her. "My weight could have caused me to lose my baby?"

"Nan…" Ned said softly. "Baby—"

But Nancy cut him off. "My fault? The fact that I lost so much weight?"

"A growing fetus needs nutrients to sustain itself," Dr. Chang told her gently. "If the mother is underweight, then it's difficult for the fetus to get enough energy to do all it needs to in order to survive."

Nancy began to cry in earnest, and Ned's heart clenched in pity. "Baby," he crooned, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to his chest. "Sweetheart, don't."

"Please don't blame yourselves," Dr. Chang said. "As I said before, there could have been hundreds of reasons why the miscarriage happened. Sometimes in even the most perfect conditions, the fetus doesn't survive, and we can't explain why. So, what I'm really trying to tell you is that all of these suppositions won't do anyone any good.

"Mrs. Nickerson, you are otherwise healthy. Once you get your weight back up to a little bit more of a normal range and your body heals from this miscarriage, there's no reason why you and your husband can't try again for another baby. And there's no reason to think that you won't have a successful pregnancy the next time around."

"Thank you, Dr. Chang," Ned told him. 

"How soon after the… procedure before I can get out of here?" Nancy asked tremulously. "Will I need to stay overnight?"

"You shouldn't have to, no," the doctor explained. "Once it's finished, we'll still want to watch your blood pressure and keep putting those fluids into you," he nodded to the IV sticking in Nancy's hand. "If all goes well within an hour or two after the D&C, we should be able to release you - as long as you promise to go home and get some rest. 

"You could also still be sore and have some cramping for a while, and we'll give you some painkillers, which will probably knock you out."

He gave them a sympathetic smile. "Even without the drugs, I'm sure you're already exhausted, and you've had some emotional and physical trauma here."

_You don't know the half of it,_ Ned thought to himself.

\--

It was three o' clock in the morning, they had just gotten home, and all Nancy wanted to do was sleep. Get into bed, pull the covers over her head, and try to pretend like the entire night had never happened. That awful fucking fight, the miscarriage, the doctor's words… Nancy wanted to pretend that it had all been a nightmare. 

She yanked off her sweatshirt and pushed down her jeans, glad that she'd still had them tucked away in her emergency overnight kit in the trunk of her car. The clothes she'd been wearing when they'd gotten to the hospital had been covered in blood and God only knew what other kinds of fluids – the maxi pad she'd slipped on just before leaving the house hadn't been enough of a shield to protect her clothing.  The minute they'd walked into the house, Nancy had stuffed her soiled and ruined garments into a garbage bag and then put that bag into another, tying it up tight. Ned had wordlessly taken the bag from her hands and brought it outside with the other trash. 

"Baby, did you want me to run you a bath?" Ned asked, his voice soft from the other side of the bedroom. 

"I'm not allowed to take a bath," she reminded him, her teeth chattering. Despite the fact that Ned had cranked up the heat upon their return home, she was freezing. 

"A shower, then?" She shook her head listlessly. "How about some tea or warm milk?" At any other time, his solicitousness would have been welcomed; now, it was just too much for her to handle.

As she sat down at the foot of the bed, her first instinct was to put her hand over her belly - before she remembered. 

_There's nothing there to protect anymore,_ she thought sadly. _It's gone. Our last chance._

"I just want to go to bed, Ned," she replied wearily. "And to take another pill - the drugs they gave me at the hospital are wearing off."

Ned briefly disappeared from their bedroom and returned a minute later with a bottle of water and the prescription bottle. Once she'd downed a pill, he went to the dresser and came back with a t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms, which she accepted with a nod. Nancy shrugged into them as quickly as she could, her back to Ned, as she hoped he wasn't staring at her spine and ribcage protruding through her bare skin.

Ned turned down the comforter and sheets. For a moment, Nancy was tempted to tell him to sleep in the guest room, but she was too damn tired to start what would likely be another fight. She crawled into bed and closed her eyes, her back to Ned. She felt him shift so that his body was behind hers, and he tentatively placed his arm around her waist.

Her first instinct was to push him off, but she was so tired and so worn out that it felt nice to have his strong arms around her. 

"Baby," he murmured, his breath warm against the nape of her neck. "Baby, I am so sorry that this happened. I'm sorry about what I said, I'm sorry about what I did—"

"This isn't the time, Ned," she interrupted him, fighting to keep the harshness out of her tone. "It isn't. Go to sleep."

"I love you," he whispered. "Baby, I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry."

"Not now. I can't talk about it now. Go to sleep," she repeated. She lay with her eyes open until she could hear Ned's breathing even out. 

\--

Ned tentatively tiptoed up the stairs, balancing the tray in his hands as he quietly opened their bedroom door. Nancy had been sleeping when he'd gone downstairs earlier and he wasn't sure if she had awakened yet. He entered their bedroom to find her staring at the wall, a blank expression on her pretty face.  She was pale, likely from the loss of blood and the fact that she hadn't slept much.  

Seeing her this way broke his heart, but Ned forced himself to sound cheerful.  "Hey, baby – you're awake!" He sat on the edge of the bed next to her blanket-wrapped body and gently placed the tray on her nightstand. 

"Hey," she murmured. 

"How are you feeling?" 

When she shrugged wordlessly, Ned tried again. "Do you want me to help you out of bed? Do you need help changing your pad?" The hospital had sent Nancy home last night with a package of thick sanitary napkins, telling them that it was likely she'd keep bleeding for another day or so. 

"No," she replied quietly. "I can do it." Nancy slowly struggled to a sitting position, and Ned didn't miss her wince of pain. 

"Since I didn't know what you'd want, I brought you a little of everything – some broth, some pancakes, a little juice, a mug of tea…"

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." 

"I know, but you'll probably need another dose of your pain medicine soon, and you'll be nauseous if you take it on an empty stomach."

"I'm not hungry," Nancy repeatedly stubbornly. 

Ned fought to keep his patience with his wife – he knew she was probably exhausted and in a considerable amount of pain, but still… 

"I know, Nan, but you need to keep your strength up." He had almost finished the sentence with the words ‘ _for the baby's sake,'_ but caught himself just in time. 

She exhaled loudly. "Fine. I'll take a few bites or a couple of spoonfuls of soup after come back from the bathroom." 

"Great," he replied, giving her a tight little smile. "Sure you don't need help?"

Nancy pushed back the covers and swung her legs over the side of the bed so that she was seated next to him.  As she attempted to pull herself up, she fell back and landed on her rear, emitting a hiss of pain. 

"That's it," Ned declared, standing up. "I'm carrying you, whether you like it or not, Nan." 

He scooped her up in one quick movement, expecting her to protest, but she remained silent as he took her to the bathroom, helped her to change her pad, and washed her face for her.  Afterwards, he carried her back to bed and settled the covers over her once more.

"Thank you," Nancy murmured once he'd placed the tray of food over her lap. 

"All of the food is probably cold by now – want me to re-heat it?"

She shook her head. "No, it's fine."

She took a few bites of pancake, dipping them in the cup of maple syrup he'd included on the tray, and sipped at the orange juice. 

After she'd barely finished one pancake and half of the glass of juice, Nancy pushed away the tray. 

"Babe, you need to eat more than that," Ned tried to coax her.  

"If I eat more, Ned, I'll be sick," she told him stubbornly. 

He wanted to insist, but from the set of her jaw, he could tell that there was no way he'd win the argument. 

"Did you want me to bring you downstairs? I could put in a movie and you could settle in on the couch?"

"I'm not up to that – right now, all I want is to lie down." 

"Okay." He helped her to get underneath the covers, glad she didn't push him away.  "I can stay with you, if you'd like."

"No, I'll be all right. I'm just really tired." As if to prove her point, Nancy let out a yawn.

"Okay. I'll… be downstairs, I guess," Ned shrugged. "But if you need anything, baby, just call my cell or yell down for me.  Anything at all – something to eat or drink, or help going to the bathroom or more medication—"

"I said I'd be fine, Ned," she said, and he could hear the slight edge in her voice. 

Ned simultaneously felt angry and ashamed. He was pissed that she clearly seemed to be displeased with him – and was doing her best to try and shut him out – but he also felt guilty about even having negative thoughts about her at all right now. After all, hadn't she just gone through a terrible trauma, to both her body and her mental state?

_But what about what you've gone through?_ His inner voice whispered nastily. _That was your baby, too. She's not the only one suffering here._

He instantly shut down those thoughts. He would have time enough to grieve later – right now, his first priority had to be caring for Nancy.  Maybe when she had some more rest, they could really talk about how to get over their loss, together. 

Ned leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead. "You just get some sleep, baby. I love you."

He picked up the tray and left the room, noting that Nancy's eyes had drifted shut before he had even closed the door.  

\--

Nancy looked around her mother-in-law's house, which was gaily decorated with pastel bows and streamers and cutouts of ducks and lambs. The centerpiece of the buffet table was a pale yellow umbrella, and it was surrounded by plastic rattles and pacifiers in soft blue and pink and yellow and green. 

Hannah, Aunt Eloise, Nancy's father's girlfriend Adriana, Bess and George and Jan and all of her other friends were gathered around her as she sat in a rocking chair in the center of the room, and everyone was cooing over the tiny little outfits and baby blankets and other precious items that she had received as gifts. 

Nancy was about halfway through the pile of unwrapped packages when she'd noticed that some of the presents she'd already opened had started to disappear. 

At first, she didn't think anything of it, assuming that Bess or Hannah had started piling them up elsewhere to keep track of who had bought what so she could do her thank you notes later on.  

When a gorgeous framed cross-stitched canvas of a teddy bear picnic that one of Ned's great-aunts had made seemed to go missing, Nancy had had enough. She asked point-blank where the gifts had gone, but Bess and Hannah just gave her puzzled looks. 

Suddenly, an old woman marched up to her, snatching away the duckling-printed crib bumpers that Nancy had been holding in her hands.  "You don't need these!" she hissed. 

Nancy tried to pull back, but instead of deterring the woman, it set off a tug-of-war.  "Stop it!" 

"I told you, you don't need these!" the old woman snapped. 

"I do!" she protested hotly. 

Annoyed, Nancy stood up, but when she got to her feet, the guests let out a loud, collective gasp. She felt something gush out from between her legs; when she looked down, she noticed a huge red stain growing over the blue fabric of her skirt.  When she looked back up, the look of horror on her guests' faces likely matched the one she was wearing on her own face.  

Her heart was pounding as Edith hurried towards her.  "I don't know what's happening!" Nancy cried out in distress.

"Yes, you do," her mother-in-law told her sadly, putting her arms around Nancy's shoulders.  "You do know, sweetheart. _Shhhh_."

"No! No!" Nancy sobbed, afraid and confused. She continued to weep in earnest as the other shower guests looked at her with a combination of pity and sadness. 

That was when she woke up, emitting a gasp of pain as she bolted upright. Nancy looked around frantically, disoriented, as she tried to piece together the nightmare that had interrupted her deep slumber. Suddenly, the events of the previous evening came back to her, and she cupped her hand over her now-empty belly.  

Wiping at her wet cheeks, Nancy continued to sob, stuffing her knuckle into her mouth to muffle the sound.

_My little boy or girl_ , she thought, heartbroken. _My sweet little baby. You didn't deserve this, little one. I am so sorry.  I am so sorry that I let this happen to you. A good mother would have protected you and cared for you and would have guarded your life with her own. I failed you, and I am so sorry._

When she finally had her crying under control after several minutes, Nancy scrunched down under the covers once again, resting on her back. She used the edge of the sheet to dry her face, her breathing still ragged.

Nancy had no idea what to do, how she'd go on from here. The thought of getting up and acting like everything was normal, of moving on and pretending like everything was fine, made her feel sick inside.  Going about her life as if it hadn't been shattered… she couldn't even imagine it. She was completely at a loss at how she and Ned…

_Ned_. Guiltily, Nancy thought of how her husband had been going out of his way to take care of her since this tragedy had befallen them.  It had barely been twenty-four hours and yet she was already growing weary of the pity clearly etched on his face every time he looked at her. 

She also couldn't help but be a little angry with him. It was bad enough that she hadn't been eating very well, but the idea that his alcohol and substance abuse also could have contributed to what happened made her sick to her stomach. Nancy honestly didn't know if she could get over that. 

_Now what's going to happen with us_? she wondered to herself. Before, at least, they had the baby as a common goal – one that came with its own built-in deadline for them to work things out.  Without that, what chance did they have to make it? 

It was as if the realization had stirred something up inside Nancy. She sniffled, unaware that she'd started to cry again. Now that there was nothing left to bind her to her husband, she needed to make some difficult decisions. Because there would be no way they'd be able to continue in this odd limbo for much longer. 

\-- 

Nancy made her way down the stairs, her steps carefully measured. The pain was stronger than she had thought it would be, even though she'd taken another pill before attempting the stairs, and she'd had to stop halfway down so she could muster the strength to make it the rest of the way. 

Ned must have heard her footsteps, because he came rushing into the hallway. "Baby, what are you doing? You could have called me - I would have carried you! I could have brought up something for you to eat or drink."

There it was again – that expression of concern and sadness on his face, coupled with him treating her as if she were made of glass. 

"It's fine, Ned," she lied. "I was sick of staying in bed, anyway."

"Did you want to go to the kitchen? Maybe lay down on the couch?" 

"The couch would be good." Before she could register what he was doing, Ned picked her up and took her into the den, tenderly placing her onto the sofa and slipping an afghan over her. 

Once she'd assured him that she wasn't hungry or thirsty, Ned settled down in his recliner. "Want the remote, baby?"

At any other time, his doting would be welcome; now, though, it was grating on her nerves. "No, I don't care what we watch."

He aimlessly flipped through the channels, landing on a movie that they'd seen in the theaters while they'd still been dating.  Although, seeing the movie wasn't actually an accurate assessment of what they'd done in that darkened theater, Nancy recalled – they'd made out for nearly two straight hours, blissfully ignoring the other moviegoers, as his lips had been fused to hers and his hand had crept up her shirt. 

The sweet memory made her sad, and she tried to push it out of her mind. 

They sat in silence, each pretending to watch the movie, but Nancy's mind was racing. She had no idea how to broach the topic that was uppermost in her thoughts, how she'd find the courage to do it, but she knew that she couldn't wait much longer or she'd lose her nerve. 

When the movie finally ended and the previews for the next one appeared on the screen, Ned turned to her once more. "I know you hate the one that's coming up. Should I see what else is on?"

Nancy shook her head, grateful for the opening he'd just given her. "Actually, can you… can you turn off the TV? I want to talk to you."

Nodding mutely, he picked up the remote and pushed the off button. 

"I've… I've been thinking a lot," she said quietly.

"Of course you have, sweetheart," he said sympathetically. "You must have a lot on your mind, considering all that you've been through. And it's important that we talk about it."

"I'm glad you feel that way - really." She heaved a sigh. "Because all of this thinking has led me to an important realization – I've realized that I'm done," she told him quietly. 

"It's been a long two days, I know."

"That has nothing to do with it. I'm done," she repeated. 

"Then maybe this isn't a good time to talk, after all. Why don't you go back upstairs and get some more rest, honey," he encouraged, still misunderstanding her intentions. "Some more sleep will help. Then I'll bring you some dinner a little later—"

Nancy exhaled loudly, frustrated. "No. Ned, no.  You're not getting it. I'm done with you, with us, with all of it."

Ned turned pale as her words began to sink in. "Baby, what are you saying?" he whispered.

"It's over. We need to come back to reality and stop fooling ourselves. Our relationship has been over for a long time." She looked down at her hands, staring at the black-and-blue mark that had bloomed after the removal of the IV. 

He got out his chair and sat down next to her on the couch, placing a hand underneath her chin to tilt her face upwards. "Nan, where is this coming from? Because I just feel like you don't know what you're saying."

She pulled away from him, burrowing back against the arm of the sofa. "No. For the first time in a long time, I have a clear head. I know exactly what I'm saying, and I'm saying that we're done."

Ned's anguish was reflected in his expression. "Baby, please stop saying that. We're going to therapy, we're talking things out—"

"And where has that gotten us?" she interrupted. "Look at the fight we had last night – we screamed at each other about the same old shit that we always argue about and we each did our damnedest to hurt the other. And that was _after_ we'd started counseling. So we should just stop wasting each other's time and go our separate ways."

"Honey," Ned said desperately. "No. No. We're making progress. Maybe it didn't seem like it last night," he admitted, "but we're at least hashing things out when we see Solomon."

"Look – you don't have to pretend anymore. The only reason you were still with me was because of the pregnancy, and now that it doesn't exist anymore, you're free. "

"Nan!" he gasped. "That's not true and you know it! I came back to you even before I knew about the… the baby." He stumbled over the word. "You know that I did because I couldn't picture my future without you in it!"

 "I don't know anything anymore, except that we should end things," she informed him wearily. "You were perfectly happy in California and I was the one who took you away from the job you loved and the lifestyle you loved. You never wanted to leave until I forced your hand. You've made that perfectly clear – after all, didn't you say it yet again last night?"

"I left L.A. because _I love you_!" he protested hotly. "Because you told me that you weren't going back and you gave me an ultimatum – and I chose _you_!"

"Well, it was my fault for even making you choose. Think about it – this is the perfect opportunity for you! Now you'll be free to enjoy your life in California – and I won't be there to stop you or stand in your way! 

"I'm sure Lyndsey could help you get your job back and put you back into contention for that promotion – you can just tell them that your wife was the reason you left, and that she won't be a problem anymore.

"Oh, and I'm pretty sure that your girlfriend will take you back, too. That bitch _Carly_ ," Nancy spat out the name, "will be thrilled to find out that she won you from me, once and for all." She laughed bitterly. 

Ned made a sound of objection, but she plowed on. "So why don't you just go and slip right back into your role as a hotshot ad exec? You'll be sad, at first, but in a month or two, you'll wonder why you ever left Los Angeles."

"Nancy," he gasped. "Nancy, please. Baby." He knelt down in front of her and began to cry. "Baby, I know you're upset and still angry with me and… and God, I'm so sorry if my coke use or my drinking could have caused us to lose the baby." 

At that, she pressed her lips together tightly so that she wouldn't say something she couldn't take back later. 

"But we _need_ to find a way to get past this. We need to keep working on us." He angrily swiped at his tear-streaked cheeks with the back of his hand. 

She shook her head impatiently. "That's what you're not getting. There is no _us_ , and there hasn't been for a long time."

"Stop saying that!" he shouted. "You're tired and you're saying things you don't mean." 

"I do mean them," she insisted firmly. "This has nothing to do with a lack of sleep."

"Not that long ago, you told me that you still loved me – so why are you doing this?" 

"Because love isn't enough!" Nancy burst out, exasperated. "Just because we love each other doesn't mean that we're right for each other anymore!"

Ned shook his head in disbelief. "That makes no sense! Tell me how it makes sense for us to walk away from everything when we still love each other?"

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" she demanded, frustrated. "It's over and we both need to move on. Look, high school sweethearts aren't supposed to be together forever – it's just not natural. We did the best we could – no one would ever fault us. We _tried_.

"But we're two different people now - I'm not that fifteen-year-old girl who was infatuated with the cute quarterback from Mapleton High, or the seventeen-year-old who was excited to go to prom with him, or the shy virgin who was terrified to let her boyfriend see her in her bra."

"No, you aren't. But I loved that girl _and_ I love the woman she's become. The woman who's so smart and kind and beautiful and funny and sexy that I can't believe she ever said yes to marrying me." He reached for her hands, which were resting in her lap, but she pulled them back, folding her arms. 

"The thought of just letting her go tears me apart. I can't walk away from this – back when I was stuck on stubborn, I thought I could, but I can't. I can't walk away from you, gorgeous." His voice broke. "Please, please give me another chance – give _us_ another chance."

She shook her head. "No. No more chances. I want you to move out. I want a divorce."

" _Nancy_ ," he gasped as if he had been punched in the gut. "Baby. No. We can get past all of this shit. We have too much of a history not to. You'll get a good night's sleep tonight and in the light of day—"

"You still just aren't getting it – I don't know if you truly don't understand or you just don't want to admit the truth to yourself." She was careful to keep her voice calm. If he heard any cracks or wavering on her part, he'd continue to try to appeal to her.  

"Our history isn't enough anymore. Now that there's no baby to tie us together, there's nothing left anymore. Our last chance died last night – literally and figuratively. Why can't you see that?"

"Stop it!" Ned implored her frantically, the tears still streaking down his handsome face. "Baby, you are the other half of my heart.  You are everything to me and I can't live without you." 

"You can and you will," Nancy told him wearily. "Within a few months, you'll be living it up in California again and you'll wonder why you even put yourself through all this. You'll get your chance to be with other women and sow all of those wild oats you missed out on. I know you've regretted not having that opportunity, and now you'll get it." 

"I don't want other women," he insisted, again impatiently brushing at his wet cheeks. "I want _you_. I want us to rebuild what we've destroyed. It'll be hard, but—"

Nancy held up her hand to stop him. "There is nothing left to rebuild."

"Nancy," he pleaded. "Please. Please, baby. I love you so much. _Please_ don't give up on us."

"Don't you see? This… this miscarriage," the word was bitter in her mouth, "was like a sign from God. He was telling us that we're in no shape to be parents, and that we shouldn't be together."

"No. No, I don't believe that," he told her, desperation coloring his words. "I don't know why it happened, but I think it just means that we need to work harder."

"For what?" she snapped, then caught herself. "For what?" This time her voice was softer as she repeated the question. "There is nothing left to save.  I know it, and deep down, I think you do, too."

"No," he insisted stubbornly.  "It's late, we've had an emotional day…"

"Ned, there's not one thing you can do or say to change my mind. In the morning, I'm calling a divorce lawyer to start the proceedings.  We can sort out the financial stuff—including what we want to do about this house—later.  But you need to find somewhere else to live and I want your stuff out of here by the end of the week."

"Baby, I'll go sleep in one of the guest rooms or on the couch, but—"

For a moment, Nancy was tempted to take him up on his offer, but she steeled herself. "No. No—you need to move out." _It's better this way_ , she reminded herself. 

"And go where?" Ned demanded incredulously.  

"I don't know—to the River Heights Hotel or to your parents' house?  I just don't think we should live together anymore." 

"And why should I leave? This is my house, too!" he informed her fiercely. 

"Fine," she shrugged. "I'll find a place, then."

"No, no – I'm sorry," he told her frantically. "Please, let me stay here – if we're living apart, then we really have no chance to work things out." 

Nancy almost, _almost_ felt herself give in to the pleading expression in his eyes.  She quickly came to her senses, though, reminding herself that their separation was for the best thing for both of them. 

"There _is_ no chance for us to work things out. This is over. Please don't make me repeat myself again." 

"No," he whispered, stricken. "No, baby, it can't be. Not after all of this time—we can't just end things like this."

"We can and we are," she whispered back. "This time I'm not bluffing—I want a divorce."

"Please stop saying that," Ned implored her. "Baby, I can change, I can be better—"

She shook her head. "No. I can't do this anymore. It's no good for me, and it isn't for you, either. Our marriage is over." 

Nancy slowly, deliberately, reached for her wedding and engagement rings and pulled them off the fourth finger of her left hand, an expression of horror and disbelief on Ned's face as she placed them on the coffee table.  "It's over," she repeated, finality in her tone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

No.

Ned looked in disbelief from the engagement and wedding rings on the coffee table to his wife's face. He couldn't speak. He felt like he couldn't breathe, either. Like all the oxygen had been pulled out of the air by the terrible thing she had said.

_It's over._

It couldn't be over. It couldn't be. Not after everything they had gone through, not after the way they felt about each other.

Nancy pulled herself up off the couch and Ned followed her as she walked slowly to the spare bedroom. No one had used it; it held only a daybed and a small chest of drawers. She sank onto the small mattress and didn't look at him.

But he felt as though, if he let her walk out of his sight, if he didn't stop talking to her, trying to convince her—then it really was over. But she couldn't mean what she was saying. She was upset; she had just lost the baby, after all. She didn't know what she was saying. She couldn't. He just had to make her realize that.

Ned wiped another tear off his cheek. "Nancy, I know you're upset," he said, trying to choose his words carefully. He didn't want to upset her any further, but a burst of anger would be easier to deal with than this terrible calm that had come over her. "I understand that. But I... Please, just... sleep on it..." _Anything, anything_ , he wanted to say, wanted to beg her.

"I have slept on it," she said quietly. "I need you to get out."

Ned's face crumpled, then. Her words made his heart ache, and he went through a thousand different options for he might say, what he might promise her, anything to get her to reconsider. But there was nothing.

He loved her. He loved her so, so much. But he'd told her he loved her when he had been arranging to meet Carly, too. The words didn't mean anything to her anymore.

They were meant for each other. But both of them had broken that vow, and Carly's damn words came back to him. Maybe they _had_ been meant for each other. That didn't mean they were anymore.

He would give her anything her heart desired, but what she seemed to want most, just now, was him out of her life.

And, as much as it hurt him to do so, he had to admit that he couldn't blame her. She had just lost their child and the stupid choices he had made might have directly caused it. Of course she was angry and upset.

But he didn't know how she was ever going to be able to forgive him for that. Not when he wasn't sure how he was ever going to be able to forgive himself for it.

He had to try, though.

He was just walking across the room to her, to unabashedly beg her to not make such a hasty decision, when she raised her chin again. "Please go pack a bag," she said, her voice toneless. "I can't stand the sight of you right now. I need you to leave."

"And who's going to take care of you?" he demanded. "You—"

"I'll be fine," she insisted, her tone firm, almost irritated. "I just need to get some sleep. Please shut the door behind you."

At that she lowered herself to the bed and turned, lying on her side so she was facing away from him. She couldn't have given him a clearer sign that the conversation was over.

Even so, Ned still stood there for a moment, gazing at her, at the wasted lines of his wife's body, so damn slender under her loose clothes. Another wave of tears rose in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks, and he took a quiet sniffled breath.

She couldn't stand the sight of him.

Ned followed her instruction to close the door behind him, and as soon as he did, a sob escaped him. He managed to stagger the few steps to the couch, then sagged onto it, staring blankly at the television set.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't leave her, not like this. She would see reason. She...

She had been told that his stupid mistakes might have been directly responsible for the trauma she had just been through. Just another way he had managed to hurt her.

_Maybe she's right._

There was no rancor in the thought, no nastiness, just intense sorrow. Ned bent his head and rubbed vigorously at his wet cheeks, then forced himself to go to the kitchen and wash his face in cold water.

He looked at the stairs and shuddered. Walking up to their room felt almost like walking to an execution, and he told himself that he would think of something, anything, anything at all to convince her that she was making a mistake. He only packed a basic bag, with underwear and clothes, a single suit. He had to force himself to move the whole time, and he couldn't stop crying.

_I did this. I'm responsible. She's hurting right now and I'm responsible and I have no idea what the fuck to say to make things right._

He wanted to call Sol, wanted to beg their therapist for some tip or idea, but he remembered again what Sol had said early on.

_Have you considered that separation might be the best option?_

They were a fucking train wreck. Even Ned had to admit that. Sometimes when he looked at the sheer mountain of hurt and betrayal and anger in front of them, he just felt tired too. In California, before he had even fully realized what a reconciliation would take, he had considered walking away from this.

But he hadn't walked away. He _hadn't_.

And it didn't fucking matter now. None of it did.

Ned looked down at his wedding band as he wiped his face with his other hand. He wasn't taking his off.

God, that had hurt so much. He remembered the love and joy he had felt putting them on her finger, his unshakable belief that it was forever, that _they_ were forever. And now...

Mechanically Ned packed up his laptop and charger, finding his travel toothbrush and toothpaste. In a few days, she would come to her senses. She had to. He would be lost if she didn't.

He went back downstairs, glancing at the kitchen from habit. The television was still off and the house was eerily quiet, and it felt cold. He had been feeling a little hungry before she had come downstairs; now he just felt empty.

He went to the guest bedroom and caught the knob, but it stayed still under his hand. She had locked herself in.

For a savage, furious second Ned wanted to kick the door down, wanted to grab his wife and shake her until she came to her senses. She didn't fucking lock him out. She didn't.

But she had.

He tried one more time, his breath coming in a gasp, but the doorknob was locked. He sank to his knees in front of the door, pressing his face against the cool wood, wishing she could see the look on his face, wishing she could see what her decision had done to him. His heart was breaking. His heart was fucking breaking inside him and there wasn't a goddamn thing he could do to stop it.

He gasped in another breath, tears tracking cold down his cheeks, and he tried to speak, but all that came out was just a ragged sob. It took a massive amount of effort to get himself back under control, and he wiped his face roughly with the cuff of his sleeve.

"Nancy," he said, his voice breaking, and swallowed hard. He couldn't shake the feeling that if he walked out, if he gave up, it really was over.

And he knew he deserved that. After what he had done to her, after everything he had done to their relationship and all the ways he had hurt her, he didn't deserve her. He had barely been able to believe it when she had agreed to marry him. He had been right, to feel so lucky.

And he had wasted his chance.

"Nancy," he said again. "Baby—"

_Baby._

He took another deep breath. "I love you. I know—I know those fucking words don't mean anything to you anymore, but I do. I love you. And the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I—I want you to be happy."

_I can't stand the sight of you._

He no longer made her happy. Hadn't for a long time.

_When it hurts more to be with someone..._

Ned let out a long shivering sigh. "Call me, day or night, if you need anything, okay?"

He waited, straining for a sound, for any sign, anything at all from the other side of the door. He didn't hear anything, just silence, and his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.

He looked down, running his palm over his face, feeling the cool curve of his wedding band as it passed over his cheek. "I never meant to hurt you," he said, his voice low. "I'm so sorry, b—Nan. I..."

He couldn't leave. He couldn't leave her.

"You are my life," he said, and his voice broke again. "Nan, please, I—"

But there was nothing he could promise, nothing he could say. She had told him that.

For an insane moment he imagined just curling up in front of the door and waiting. She had to come out sometime, and he would throw all his pride to the wind, cling to her feet, beg her. Plead with her. Anything. Anything.

But he could never bring their child back. Their child. The only reason she had even tried to work on all the hurt and betrayal between them.

Ned sniffled. "I love you," he said. "I always will."

He waited, counting his heartbeats, praying and wishing with every bit of his will that he would hear her slide off the bed, unlock the door, and look down into his tearstained face, tell him that she had changed her mind. He waited and waited, and on the other side of the door, she was silent.

Ned shook his head, biting the inside of his lips to keep them from trembling, and slowly gathered his bag and laptop bag. His heart ached as he found his wallet, phone and car keys, and each step through their kitchen to the garage was harder and harder to take, his ears constantly straining to hear her unlocking that door.

But she didn't.

Ned put his bags in the trunk of his car and slid into the driver's seat, then shook his head. If he did this, if he left their home—he couldn't stop himself from feeling like that would mean they were over, that he was giving up.

He had to fight, he wanted so badly to fight—but there was nothing left to fight. Fighting had gotten them here. Fighting had torn them apart.

He locked his gaze to the garage-kitchen door, and when a trick of the light made him think the knob was turning, his stomach gave a leap so intense it made him feel sick. He paused with his hand on the ignition, staring at it for a long moment—but no. No. It was just wishful thinking.

Another sob rose in his throat as he started his car, and his heart broke as he pulled into the driveway, out into the street. He cast one last glance at their house, the front yard a white blanket of pristine snow, and then forced himself to put the car in gear and drive away.

\--

Nancy had her back against the inside of the guest bedroom door, her trembling body curled up in the fetal position, her fist pressed against her mouth, her cheeks slick with tears. So many times, the impulse to reach up and unlock the door had felt almost irresistible, but she had held herself back, telling herself that no matter what he said, the choice she had made was the right one.

But he was gone. He was totally gone. She had listened to the garage door open and close, had listened to the sound of his car's engine as he had driven away.

She hadn't expected it to hurt this much, after everything else. After the fucking awful night of their fight and the incident at the W, after so many other terrible nights, she had thought nothing could hurt her.

She had thought she had accepted it, that what she had said was the only real choice. It was over between them. It had _been_ over.

Even so, as soon as she knew he was gone, that he wasn't coming back, she opened her mouth and screamed at the pain of it, her body wracked with sobs that left her hollow, aching. He was gone.

Her husband, the love of her life, was gone.

She rolled onto her front, curling up tight as she could, cradling her empty womb in the tight knot of her body, and cried, her sobs so strong they could rip her in half.

And she wished they would.

\--

Ned had to pull over twice on his way to Mapleton, his sight so blurred with tears and the visibility so diminished by the oncoming flurries that driving had become dangerous. During his second stop, he called his parents' home, half hoping that they wouldn't be there. It would make his life a lot easier if his parents happened to be out of town. He could use the night to regroup and figure out what to do, and leave before they had even known he was there.

So of course his mother answered on the second ring, and as soon as she heard his voice, she seemed to sense something was wrong. Ned just replied that he would see her in a few minutes, then wiped his face and set out again.

His father's car wasn't in the driveway, and at least the snow wasn't sticking. As soon as she opened the door for him, Edith Nickerson's eyes widened.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Ned didn't know what to say, or if he should even say anything, but his mother was going to find out anyway; she was the only other person who knew Nancy had even been pregnant. "Nancy lost the baby," he said, and a fresh wave of tears was already rising in his dark eyes before he saw his mother tear up as well.

"Oh my God. Oh, Ned," she said, and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight. "Is Nancy in the hospital? Why aren't you—"

"It happened last night," he said. "She's home. She's..." He tried to say that she was okay, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Then let's go," Edith said decisively, and began to reach for her coat.

Ned shook his head, running his fingers through his dark hair. "She—she kicked me out, Mom." He took a trembling breath. "She said she wants a divorce."

"But—" Edith was clearly startled. "When?"

"This afternoon." At that, Ned bit back another sob.

He brought his bags inside, leaving them at the foot of the stairs, and Edith gestured for him to sit down beside her on the couch. "I was just trying to figure out what I wanted for dinner," she said, her voice calm and reassuring. "Your father's looking at a few houses near Carbondale and I don't expect him back until late tonight. Meatloaf, or we have leftover beef stew?"

"I'm not hungry," Ned said quietly.

"You will be, by then," she said, in a tone that brooked no argument. Ned would ordinarily have smiled, but he was hurting so much that he couldn't even think about food. He never wanted to eat again.

"She wants a divorce," Edith repeated, and Ned nodded, his mouth shaking. He hadn't been able to give himself over to the heartbreak he was feeling in the car, afraid that if he did he wouldn't be able to get here before nightfall. Now he bent and pressed his face against his knees, his body wracked with sobs, and his mother rubbed his back.

"Shhhh. Shhhh, honey. Shhhhhh." She patted him. "Come here."

He sat up and his mother, a much smaller woman than he, wrapped her arms around him, and he clung to her in return. He couldn't stop sobbing.

It was over. He had no idea if it was possible, anymore, to come back from this.

Edith kept shushing him, patting his back, and slowly, eventually, he managed to get himself back under control. He pulled back and his mother wiped his tears away with her palm, her own eyes shining.

"I've never seen you so upset," she murmured sympathetically. "Were you two having an argument, and...?"

Ned shook his head. His nose was clogged and his head was pounding, and he went to the guest bathroom downstairs, splashing cold water on his face and blowing his nose. When he returned, a little bit of his equilibrium had come back. "We weren't having a fight. She was so calm..."

Ned took a deep breath. His mother would be honest with him. She would tell him if there was even any point in his holding onto the slimmest hope anymore, after everything he had done.

Even so, admitting it to her—just the thought of it made him hurt.

"I had an affair," he said, for the first time, and just hearing the words come out of his mouth made his entire chest ache, made his voice trail off at the end, as though he couldn't truly believe what he was saying. But it was true. He just hadn't been able to admit it. "I've been—I've been denying it for so long, but I was seeing someone else when we were in California."

His mother's face went pale. "What?" she said.

Ned crossed his arms, denying his immediate impulse to rationalize or justify it. It didn't really matter what his reasons had been; the fact remained. Just like he could apologize until he was blue in the face and it wouldn't change what he had done. "She was one of my clients, and she made it clear she was interested in me. I kept turning her down, even told Nancy about it. And then Nancy moved out to be with me in L.A. and everything started going downhill, and we were constantly fighting. And the client—Carly, she—she was beautiful and sexy and she just kept flirting with me."

"Of course," Edith said softly, her gaze still locked to his face, and he flushed a little and glanced away. "They always do."

"I didn't mean for it to happen. She—Carly was fun to be around, and Nancy was angry and confrontational, and it just felt like all Nancy was concerned about was getting pregnant, getting out of California." Ned's lip trembled a little at that, but he managed to get himself back under control again. "And it didn't help that I was drinking a lot, either." He swallowed. "Everyone was. Everyone was drinking and it made things easier."

"And I'm sure that made it easier to spend time with this other woman."

Ned nodded.

"Did Nancy find out what was going on, and that's why she—came back here?"

Ned nodded again. "We had a huge fight and I—I know I said some really awful things to her, and afterward—Nancy took my keys and I asked Carly to come get me."

Edith shifted, crossing her legs. "And offered a shoulder to cry on, too."

"Yeah," Ned said softly. "I—we ended up in a hotel room together, and Nancy found us."

Edith swallowed hard. "And you were..."

Ned flushed. "We—would have," he said. "I—stopped things right before Nan showed up, but in all honesty, even though we didn't—we didn't sleep together that night, we didn't sleep together ever, we would have. If I had stayed there, she and I would have."

"Oh," Edith said, giving him a faint nod, but she didn't look very reassured.

"I didn't know then, I didn't know until recently, that Nancy was in a similar situation," Ned said quietly. "She was unhappy and lonely and she met a guy out there, too. And she swears she didn't sleep with him, but..." Ned shrugged a little. "I have to believe her. Just like she has to believe me when I swear to her that I didn't sleep with Carly."

"So... Nancy said that was why? Why she was ending things?"

"That was part of it." Ned was finding it harder to force the words out, and to stop himself from pacing, he sat down at the other end of the couch, hanging his head. "The guys I was hanging out with, at work and after work, and Carly too, they... I was drinking a lot, and..." He took a deep breath. "I started... I was getting high with them. Not that often, not at first."

Edith stood up, and Ned raised his head, shrinking back at the sight of her. "Edmund Coleman Nickerson," she said, emphasizing every syllable. "Your father and I raised you much better than that. How many times did you swear that you would never do anything that foolish or irresponsible? Cheating on your wife, the woman you swore to cherish and love the rest of your life? Doing _drugs?_ " She shook her head, her eyes blazing. "Do you mean marijuana, or... or pills?"

The wave of shame and guilt that swept over him at the look on his mother's face was even worse than the one he had felt when he had told Nancy about it. When he was around Nancy, either alone with her or in therapy, he had always felt so defensive, like what he had done had, in some way, been justified, by his stress at work, by the behavior of his peers, by the knowledge of how much worse he _could_ have been. He just hadn't stepped back and looked at it from anyone else's point of view, not really.

Because to Nancy, to his mother, it was all semantics. He had been unfaithful, even if he and Carly hadn't been intimate on a physical level, because he had come within a hair's breadth of taking Carly up on her offer. In his mind, he had imagined it so many times.

Ned shook his head, and he had to swallow several times before he could even whisper the word, to name what he had done. "Cocaine."

Edith sucked in a swift, shocked breath. "Ned," she said, and she sounded so disappointed.

He was their only son, and they had been so proud of him, so happy to see him married to the woman he had loved for so long. And he had taken all of it and thrown it away, for what? What did he have to show for it, now?

"I don't have an excuse," Ned said, his voice low and soft, and he reached up to wipe his eyes again. "I was wrong. I was irresponsible and I made so, so many bad choices while we were out there. When I look back now, I regret it so much. And I—we had a fight the other night and I—I just said that if I still had my job, I'd be able to provide for her, and the—the baby, that she wouldn't be working at a job where she was so likely to be hurt. And she thought I meant that I wanted that life again. That I resented her for demanding that I come back here."

"Do you?" Edith said, and he could hear the strain in her voice. She was having trouble dealing with everything he had told her, and Ned couldn't even imagine how Nancy had to have felt, hearing that she was about to raise a child with a man who could be so foolish, so selfish and spiteful.

"No," he said, feeling infinitely sad. "I chose her, and I want to be with her, I wanted to be with her. Even before I knew she was pregnant." He choked back a sob.

"I know you must be feeling so terrible over it, but the miscarriage, that wasn't your fault," Edith said gently.

"But that's just it," he said, raising his head to look at his mother. "We talked to the doctor, after, and when we asked if—if drug use could have affected the baby, if _my_ drug use could have—he said yes." Ned sniffled, trying to hold the sob back, trying to keep his voice from shaking, but he heard it all spill out of him, anguished and almost incoherent. "Mom, she took me back because she didn't want to raise our child alone, and I... all I've done is fucking hurt her, over and over... and then _this_. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself—her face, she... I know she was—I know she was conflicted over being pregnant but when the doctor said the, that she'd... lost... she was so upset... and I know she blames me, I know it—she said it was like this sign that we weren't meant to be together anymore, her losing the baby..."

Edith frowned. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "You... what you did could have been a factor? Because Nancy was so thin, too; has she managed to gain any weight?"

Ned shrugged. "Not really," he admitted miserably. "And the doctor said that could have been part of it, too. That she's so thin that—her body couldn't support the baby."

"But neither of you can blame yourselves for this," Edith insisted. "You don't _know_ , do you? It could have been both of you, it could have been neither of you..."

Ned shrugged again, hanging his head. "It doesn't matter," he whispered. "The fact is that she and I both know that what I did could have—killed our baby. And I can say I'm sorry, over and over, but I'll never be able to take _that_ back."

She was quiet for a moment. "You can't," she agreed. "I knew that things were bad between the two of you out there, but I didn't know..." She shook her head.

Ned took a shaking breath. "Yeah," he murmured. "We were going to therapy."

"Was it helping?"

Ned shrugged. "I don't know. It felt like every time we'd have a session, we would end up arguing. Saying—such awful things to each other. She just kept—coming at me, over and over, harping on everything I did, and I just want to move past it." He looked down at the ring on his finger. "And she told me—to go back. Go back to the life I had in California, get my job back. Because that was where I wanted to be."

"Are you going to?"

There was a time when he would have said yes. He wouldn't have felt bad about leaving Nancy in Illinois to have her own life if they didn't have a baby to consider. She would be happy, and he could be happy in California. He had been happy in Los Angeles, making a name for himself, earning the kind of money that even now almost made his stomach twist in envy.

But when he looked back at the man he had been, he just felt grief. In California he'd had so much; he'd had everything, everything Ned had ever wanted, and systematically, deliberately, he had broken it all. He had broken his wife's trust and his belief in himself.

He could do the work. He could bring Carly to his bed at night to keep him warm, just the way Nancy had tauntingly reminded him. And he would fall right back into that life like he had never left it. The atmosphere, his coworkers, the fast pace and the lifestyle that came along with it... He wasn't sure how long he would stay clean without his wife's disapproval in the back of his mind, or how long it would take for him to drown his sorrows in a bottle of scotch—and then wake up with his car wrapped around a bridge rail, if he woke at all. How long it would be before he got high and made an even worse decision than the ones he had already made, knowing in the back of his mind that the one person who could ever make him happy was lost to him forever.

He didn't want to be that man again.

And he wished, with all his heart, that he could take it all back, every single thing he had done that had hurt her.

Ned shook his head. "I won't go back," he said. "The person I turned into out there, that guy wasn't me. This guy who... God." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I never, _never_ thought I'd ever—drive drunk, that I'd ever even think about cheating on my wife, that I'd... take drugs. Not just try them, not just once, but—need them, to get through the work. _Need_ them."

_You're a fucking drug addict, and you always will be._

Ned swallowed against his aching throat, tears pricking in his eyes again. "I thought I'd hit the bottom, the end," he whispered hoarsely. "I thought things could only get better. And then—today happened." Ned wiped at his streaming eyes.

"I need her back," he whispered. "I don't deserve her. I don't. I've been blaming everyone and everything else, and I've been defensive and angry whenever she's brought it up—she kept telling me that I had turned into a person she didn't know anymore. I... I just can't believe how easy it all was, how it felt. I always thought it was just one choice, but it's a choice every day, over and over..."

Ned remembered that Sol had told him working on their marriage would be the same way. Waking up every morning, moving forward and working together instead of dwelling on the past. But he hadn't even dealt with the past.

And she had given up, convinced that he still _was_ that man.

He hated the thought that he could so easily be that man again, given the right circumstances. Making the decision to do coke the first time had been the hardest one. Every time after that, it had just been easier and easier, until it hadn't even felt like a decision or choice at all. The comedown hadn't been enough to dissuade him.

The risk hadn't been enough to make him stop.

"Did you talk to her, try to convince her to reconsider after she said she wanted—"

"Yes. Oh God, yes. I begged her, _begged_ her to just calm down, sleep on it, not make this decision—but she had made up her mind. She—told me she couldn't stand the sight of me."

Edith made a small sound.

Ned drew a deep breath. "I want her to be happy," he said softly. "I want her to be happy with me, but if that's not possible... I want her to be happy. I love her so, so much, and there's... nothing I can do. That's what she kept telling me. Nothing I could say was going to make any difference."

"But you two were happy," his mother said. "I know you were. And—and Nancy wouldn't have been so upset when she came back here, if she didn't care about you."

"Or..." Ned ran his hand through his hair again. "Or the baby was the only reason she was trying..." He shook his head.

"What is it?"

"I said that we loved each other," he said softly. "She said it didn't matter how much we loved each other."

"So she still loves you."

Ned looked down with a sardonic smile. "I told her I loved her when we were in California, too," he said. "The words—they don't mean anything to her anymore. And the way I was acting—I can't blame her for feeling like I... like I had stopped loving her."

Edith paused for a moment, then reached over and patted his knee. "Ned... I wish I knew what to say, sweetheart. You know I love you, and I always will, no matter what, but..."

"But," he repeated softly.

"But I'm so disappointed that you would act that way, and I can understand that she must feel so incredibly hurt, that she has for a long time, and then to lose the baby on top of everything else..."

"Yeah," he said softly, then looked over at his mother. "I don't know what to do. If you... What can I do, to convince her to give me another chance? Is there anything? Because I swear, I will try anything..." He looked down at his hands again for a moment. "I could feel when I walked out of the house... I felt like if I walked out, it was over, that if I stayed there I could convince her, somehow. But when I came back to talk to her, she had locked the door, and she wouldn't respond to me, no matter how I begged her..."

"She didn't want you to be able to get to her," Edith said softly. "Maybe she was afraid you'd be able to convince her to change her mind."

"So—so I should go back there?" Despite himself, Ned felt his heart rise a little. "Maybe since she's had time to calm down—"

Edith considered for a moment, then shook her head. "You're both keyed up," she said. "I think if you do let her sleep on it, if you get some rest yourself... because, after all, what's changed?"

"What do you mean?"

Edith took a deep breath. "I mean that if she feels like your marriage is over, and nothing you say is going to convince her otherwise, then nothing _will_. So you have to either let her change her own mind... or convince her some other way."

"And if she doesn't change her mind, and I can't convince her?"

"Then, as awful as it is, you learned something," she said quietly. "A very terrible, heartbreaking lesson. You took the love and trust of a woman you have loved for so very long and destroyed it. If I were her... I think it would be incredibly hard to forgive you, and part of me is amazed that she tried." Edith shook her head.

Ned frowned deeply. "I know," he said, finally. "But I—I can't let her go like this. Not without trying. She's—she's my life. She's my world, and I don't know who I am without her."

Edith patted his knee again, and when he met his mother's eyes, she searched them for a moment. "So you refuse to give up."

"I just need one more chance," he said. "One more. I will do anything she asks. I will—I will do everything I can, to make her happy again. Everything."

"And if you can't?"

"Then..." Ned took a trembling breath. "Then I won't stop trying. Because the way I feel about her—this is forever. I hate that I made her doubt that. And even if she... if she can't be happy with me anymore..." He shook his head, another tear tracking down his cheek. "Well. I'll still love her."

"So show her," Edith said, her voice firm. " _Show her_. You showed her that you could walk away. Now you need to show her that you won't."

Ned nodded. "Okay," he said, and despite how terrible and utterly lost he still felt, making that choice was something.

He had to convince her to give him one more chance. Just one more.

And then, if she walked away anyway... well, no one would be able to say that he hadn't tried, with every fiber of his being, to change her mind.

He forced down half a serving of his mother's meatloaf for dinner, and that much only because she practically threatened him if he didn't. He hadn't managed to get much sleep the night before, and he was exhausted early. His mother told him to get some sleep, that things would look better in the morning.

At the foot of the stairs, she hugged him again. "I love you," she told him. "It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this."

"But?" he said quietly.

His mother shook her head. "No 'but.' I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."

He gave her a small sad smile. "I'm sorry too," he murmured. "Now I just have to figure out how to show her."

In his old room, once he was alone, he hung up his suit and brushed his teeth, checking his phone again just in case she had contacted him, letting him know that she needed something—but his phone was silent. She was alone at their house, and he wondered if she was still perfectly fine, totally calm, even now finding the name of a divorce lawyer. He stared at his phone for a long moment.

He had called her that night when he was still in California, wanting to hear her voice, and she had picked up. Maybe now...

He called her cell, and the phone rang and rang and rang, and his stomach jolted with every ring, worrying that she might be trying to get some rest and he could be disturbing her—but he couldn't make himself hang up. Then her voicemail clicked on.

"Nan... I'm at my parents' house, tonight. So if you need me, if you need _anything_ , call me and I'll come to you, okay? As quick as I can. Please—please take care of yourself. I love you so much." He had to bite his lip to keep himself under control. "I love you. I'll see you soon."

Slowly he changed into a t-shirt and shorts, then glanced at his desk chair—and remembered the night they had stayed in this room at Christmastime. He tried to put it out of his head, knowing it would only make him upset, but that memory was hard to fight.

He couldn't stay at his parents' house forever. She had told him to find somewhere else to live, and while he desperately wanted to believe that tomorrow or soon she would tell him she had changed her mind, he couldn't count on it. And if he needed to find somewhere else to live, then he needed a job.

He had been wasting time for so long. Not moving forward, not building something new, just dwelling on his anger and hurt.

Ned picked up his phone again and made himself a list of tasks for the next day. He could ask around at a few of the places he had worked while he was home on breaks from Emerson, or places he knew about through friends, and see if any of them were hiring. He wished he had a good local friend, but after the way he had so totally fucked things up with Mike... Howie was still a newlywed and most likely wouldn't appreciate his old friend cramping his style with an extended stay. Ned didn't know of any couches he could borrow while he tried to convince his wife to take him back, and the thought of sharing what was going on with any of them was a little mortifying.

But then, talking to his mother about it had been pretty damn mortifying, too.

He decided to limit his list to those three tasks, trying to track down a job and a place to live, and making sure that he had at least a brief conversation with his wife. He hated the idea of her feeling awful and needing help, with no one there; she had been so frail...

But he had walked out anyway.

He would check on her in the morning, he decided. He had heard her ask the doctor how quickly she could return to work, and Dr. Chang had said that she could probably manage desk work as soon as the day after, then gradually increase her activity as she felt comfortable. And he knew his wife. She would be back at work as soon as she could manage it.

He was afraid to think about tomorrow. He was afraid to hope.

He turned off the light and pulled back the covers, and when he slid into the bed and rolled onto his front, he took a deep breath—

And so faint, so faint he almost thought he was imagining it, he could smell _her,_ her shampoo and soap and _her_. And it sent such a burst of terrible longing and grief through his chest that he physically hurt.

"Oh God," he whispered, his breath coming in a gasp. "Oh God, Nancy, baby—oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please let me come home. I'll do anything, Nan. Please let me come home. I love you so much. Please, God, just let me come home."

He was exhausted but it took him a very long time to fall asleep, on his side, curled in the fetal position, the pillow that still smelled faintly of her clutched tight to his chest, and he prayed that he would not dream.

Or, that if he did, he would not wake.

In the morning Ned took a shower and shaved carefully, dressed in his suit, and checked his cell phone and email before he prepared to go job hunting. He decided to take a few minutes and do a quick web search to see if anything was open locally that he hadn't considered. He didn't care what it was, as long as he was qualified and it would help him get back on his feet.

He printed resumes and his mother wished him good luck before he left, and after three stops and some moderately positive responses, Ned slid back into the driver's seat of his car, checking his phone again.

No new messages, nothing from her.

Ned frowned. He needed to check in with her. He could tell her he was just checking to see if she was home so he could pack up some more, to give him at least some excuse to talk to her.

But she, again, didn't answer her cell phone, and the house phone just rang and rang as well. He debated for a moment before dialing her work number.

"Hi, may I speak to Nancy Drew? This is her—husband."

Ned hated that he had to ask for her by her maiden name, and in the second before the receptionist answered, Ned suddenly worried that she had instructed the receptionist not to put him through.

"Passphrase?"

Just so no one could pose as her husband and find out anything about her. Ned had to think hard for a few seconds to remember it, then stammered it out.

"Uh, she... oh, I just heard from her about thirty minutes ago. She called in sick. Some kind of stomach bug, I think, right?"

"Y-yeah," Ned murmured. "Yeah. Sorry. Thanks."

So she wasn't at work.

What if she had tried to do something at home and had been hurt? Ned gritted his teeth. She was so fucking weak right now, and alone, and for her to actually call in sick to work...

He could ask his mother to go check on her, in his absence, but Ned couldn't imagine that would go over very well.

Ned took a deep breath and made a decision. Besides, maybe she had already done the same...

He dialed the number for Carson Drew's home, and Hannah answered on the second ring. "Drew residence."

"Hi, Hannah?"

"Hi, Ned," Hannah said, her voice open and affectionate. "Did you need to speak to Mr. Drew?"

"No, no. I needed to speak to you, actually." Ned scrambled to figure out how to ask her what he needed without giving anything away. "I was called out of town and Nancy wasn't feeling well, and now she isn't answering the phone. I called her work and they said she had called in sick."

Hannah made a soft dismayed sound. "Nancy almost never calls in sick."

"I know. That's what scares me. Would you mind going to check on her? I'd love to do it myself, but..."

"I understand," Hannah said immediately. "I'd be glad to."

"Thank you so much, Hannah. Like I said, she wasn't feeling well, and I think we have some cans of soup at the house..."

Hannah made a _pfft_ noise. "Canned soup. Bite your tongue, Ned. I'll pack up a few things and be over there in a jiffy."

"Thanks," Ned said, fighting to keep his voice even. "And... please tell her I hope she's feeling better, okay?"

"I will," Hannah said.

Ned looked down at his phone after he had hung up.

He just didn't want her to be alone. If she was feeling anything like he was, he just didn't want her to be alone.

\--

She had given him a week.

In that week, Ned found an apartment in the building where he had lived before their marriage, where they had lived together as newlyweds. The landlord was the same, and since he had a vacant apartment he needed to fill, he gave Ned a good deal on the rent and allowed him to sign by month, so at least he'd be making some money off the otherwise vacant apartment. Ned had found an almost-full-time job at the insurance company where he had worked during summers and school breaks.

When he pulled up to their house and pressed the garage door button, it came up—and the other side of the garage was empty. His wife's car was gone.

The kitchen was spotless, the pantry and refrigerator stocked, and Ned saw Hannah's bag of sewing supplies beside the couch. So she was staying with Nancy.

He felt both relieved and a little sad.

A stack of boxes was piled beside their front door, and without even looking inside, Ned knew what they probably held. He swallowed the lump in his throat and headed upstairs. Their bed was made, and the large suitcases were packed, most likely with his clothes. He opened the top drawer of his dresser just to check; it was empty.

A small part of him was terrified that he would find divorce papers, but he didn't.

He had loaded up his car's trunk with the clothes and had just begun with the other smaller boxes when he heard the garage door going up. His heart started pounding, and he wondered if she would see his car and leave, just wait to return after he had departed. But he heard her pull in and park, and he felt almost sick with worry and anticipation before she opened the door between the garage and the kitchen and stepped inside, her gaze immediately flicking to his face.

And he could see it, for just a second, before her eyes dropped again. That flicker that he knew she was hoping he couldn't see.

He had known her too long. Her poker face was always imperfect, to him.

"Hi," he said, trying to make his tone even and casual, but he could tell he was failing. "Are you doing okay?"

Her shoulders rose a little bit as she pulled in a long breath, shrugging. "Yeah," she said, her voice brusque. She was dressed for work, and as terrifying as it had been to see her so vulnerable, the sight of her in one of her suits, the armor almost fully back in place, felt worse. She was pushing him out of her life. She was literally pushing him out.

And he could feel the chance slipping through his fingers.

"I found a place," he told her, and saw that flicker again. "I can stay there while we're—working things out."

Nancy brushed her hair from her cheeks and looked up at him, her brow a little furrowed. "We're not going to work things out," she told him flatly. "I'm done."

"You said that," he said neutrally. "And I've found a job."

"Good," she said, her voice still flat.

Ned looked down, flexing and clenching his fingers, his heart still in his throat. He was so desperate not to waste this chance that he was almost paralyzed.

Nancy cleared her throat. "You called Hannah," she said, and she sounded almost gruff.

"I—I couldn't get in touch with you and I was worried about you," he said. "And if I couldn't be here to help you out—I didn't want you to be alone. Not... not like that."

She gave him a small, reluctant frown and a nod, then put her keys in her purse, put her purse down on its usual table. "If you need some help getting boxes loaded I think Hannah should be back soon," she said.

Ned shook his head. "I'll need to bring back a van for the rest," he said, and his throat tried to close around the words. "I didn't know you had packed up everything."

"Thought it would save time." She looked down, crossing her arms, and for a moment she looked like she was going to say something else. Then she just shook her head, turning to head for the stairs.

Ned swallowed hard and crossed to her, reaching for her. As soon as his fingertips touched her arm, she flinched. "Let go of me," she said, jerking, panting a little as he released her.

"I just need to tell you something."

She took a deep breath and turned to face him, her arms crossed again, her gaze somewhere in the vicinity of his feet. And he remembered what his mother had said. If she didn't let him in, it was because she was afraid he was going to be able to get to her.

He swallowed hard and hooked his finger under her chin, the way he had so, so many times before, and gently raised her head so he could look into her face. Her eyes were gleaming faintly.

When he cupped her face he could feel her trying to pull away, but he kept his gaze locked to hers. He didn't tighten his grip on her, though, and after a moment it was like she stopped fighting him, stopped fighting herself. "I'm not giving up on us," he said quietly. "I understand if you need time and space, if we need to be apart for a little while. But I'm going to keep going to therapy, Nan, and I want to go to therapy with you. I'm going to keep working on this. I'm not leaving you, I'm not going back to California. I'm staying here, near you, because you're my life, Nan. You are. And I know nothing I've said will ever convince you of that.

"I have been such a fool, such a goddamn fool, and I don't deserve you. I don't deserve another chance. I see that now. You tried so hard and I just... I just got defensive and angry when I should have tried to understand. I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm ashamed of what I did and what I said. And it's no wonder that you didn't believe me.

"I don't deserve another chance, but I'll never forgive myself if I don't ask you for one. I'm not asking you to take me back. I'm asking for a chance to prove to you that you should even consider it."

He swallowed, letting himself focus for a few seconds on the warmth and softness of her cheek under his palms, praying it wasn't the last time he would ever feel her skin, would ever gaze into those beautiful blue eyes.

"I thought we could just pick up from where we were... but I see it now. Nancy... I want to date you again."

She pressed her lips tight together, but her gaze stayed on his.

"Because I need to show you how much you mean to me. What we had before... I took you for granted. I want to spend time with you again, and for us to get to know each other, the way we are now. And if we date, and we realize that it _is_... that it doesn't make sense to be together anymore, then... then at least we know.

"But I'm begging you, Nan. Please give me this chance. Please. I don't deserve it, but I can't... I can't let the most important person in my life slip through my fingers like this.

"I just—" His dark eyes flooded with tears, and he let them fall down his cheeks without trying to brush them away, and he saw her frown deepen a little. "We just lost our child. Please don't take the only other thing I have left in my life away like this. Please."

He saw the tears gleaming faintly above her lower lashes, but she didn't say anything. His heart ached, and he barely brushed his lips in the faintest kiss against her forehead before she took a step back, away from him, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Please."

She stood there for another few seconds, her eyes searching his, before she turned and went upstairs, without a word. Ned let out a long sigh, his face falling when he heard their bedroom door slam behind her.

She hadn't responded.

But she hadn't said no.

For a long moment he just stood there, waiting for some hint, some sign, but nothing came. He picked up some more boxes, moving slowly, but all too soon he had as many boxes in his car as he was able to fit.

He took a deep breath and went upstairs, and was unsurprised when he found their bedroom door locked against him. He knocked quietly on the door, looking down, but she didn't answer.

He tried knocking once more, then let out a quiet sigh. "I love you," he told her, through the door. "I always will. And I know... I know you don't believe me, and I don't blame you for that. All I'm asking is for a chance to show you. Please."

He waited there for a long moment, but he couldn't hear anything beyond their door.

And he needed to get to the moving van place before they closed.

He ran his fingers through his hair. "Please call me," he said. "Day or night, for anything at all. Please call me.

"I'll... I'll see you soon. I love you, Nan."

He paused for another moment, then went back downstairs, quietly closing the door behind him. A moment later the garage door opened to let him out.

And Nancy, up in their bedroom, sat at the edge of the bed, closing her eyes as the first clinging tear finally fell.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

Nancy looked down at her cell phone. Another missed call. Another voicemail.

She sighed and put her phone back down on the bedside table, then went back into the bathroom to finish her makeup. Concealer disguised the purple half-moon shadows beneath her eyes, and mascara and eyeshadow brightened her tired eyes. She avoided looking at the other half of the bathroom vanity, at the empty countertop there.

She avoided looking at so much, now.

Ned was gone. Her husband was gone, and she could feel the emptiness in their home, especially since Hannah had returned to her father's house. Nancy had been unable to talk to Hannah about their separation or the miscarriage, so she had just told Hannah that she was packing up some old clothes and other things to give away, getting some early spring cleaning done while Ned was out of town, as he had apparently told her. Hannah didn't question it, but Nancy still wasn't sure whether she had believed it or not, especially since Nancy's engagement and wedding rings weren't on her finger anymore, never would be again.

Ned was gone. And now Nancy's mother-in-law had started calling her.

Nancy had not contacted or spoken to Ned since he had finished moving his belongings out. She was hoping that the longer she put it off, the less urgency she would feel about it, until finally it wouldn't be a choice she would need to make or a problem to resolve anymore. She had already let him go, and that had been hard enough. She didn't need him back in her life. She didn't want him back in her life.

She was just sad over the loss of the baby. That was all, she was sure. But she wasn't sure that pain was ever going to go away.

Nancy finished dressing and went downstairs carrying her pumps, heading for the kitchen and the delicious aroma of freshly-brewed coffee. She had just finished preparing her cup when the front doorbell rang.

Her stomach flipped, her heart pounding. Ned. Ned was coming by to beg her again, to plead with her. God, she didn't need this right now. She'd just tell him that she had to get to work and to leave her alone.

She went to the door and peered through the small high window, and somehow the face she saw there was able to kick her tension up fourfold.

Edith Nickerson.

Well, Nancy had the perfect excuse. She was literally about to leave for work.

When Nancy opened the door, though, she realized that Edith undoubtedly knew that she had lost the baby, and she had to swallow the sudden lump in her throat. She couldn't be rude to her mother-in-law, no matter how much she really didn't want to have this conversation, not now and not ever.

Edith Nickerson gave her a small smile. "Nancy—I would have sent a card, but I thought this was better done in person. I am so, so sorry for your loss."

Nancy gave her a small polite smile in return. "Thank you," she said, her tone formal. "I really do apologize, but I'm about to leave for work—"

"This will only take a minute." Edith stepped forward, tugging at her gloves, and Nancy found herself falling back instead of standing her ground, which irritated her. She was resolved to divorce herself from Edith's son; she didn't want to deal with Edith's begging on his behalf, pleading with her to reconsider. Not when Edith didn't know how Ned had so completely hurt her.

Edith sat down in the recliner still in her coat, and Nancy, instead of throwing her out, just sat down with her coffee. "Would you—like something to drink?" Nancy found herself offering mechanically, feeling strange about drinking coffee while Edith's hands were empty.

Edith shook her head. "No, love, I'm fine. I just wanted to tell you that you made the right choice. Throwing him out."

Nancy blinked and almost choked on her sip of coffee. She carefully put it down on a coaster, then looked back at her mother-in-law, her eyes a little wider.

"Ned told me what he did. The—getting involved with someone else. The... the drugs." Edith shook her head, looking down for a moment. "He's my son and I will always love him, but I was so incredibly disappointed when he told me about his behavior. His father and I raised him to be a better person than that. When he married you, he _wasn't_ that person. I know he wasn't.

"And, after all that, the fact that you still tried to make things work with him?" Edith shook her head. "Nancy, I'm truly sorry. I know he's apologized, or at least he _should_ have, several thousand times, but that doesn't change what he did."

Edith looked at her, and Nancy felt compelled to nod. "Yes ma'am," she said quietly.

"I don't think he realized how terribly he had hurt you until you told him to get out. Until he fully realized just what was at stake and how much he could lose. And I know you've decided that you want to make this separation final... or maybe you haven't." Edith gave a little shrug. "But, please, give him one more chance."

Nancy thinned her lips. She wanted to be honest with Edith, to let out the pure boiling anger she felt at those words, but she had a feeling that if she started screaming, she just wouldn't stop. Edith truly didn't understand, if she could ask her that.

"I know. I know you don't think he's changed—or that he's changed too much. But, Nancy, he's devastated. He was—he was so upset. He cried, he was so ashamed when he was telling me about his behavior. He isn't who he was there anymore. I have to believe that." Edith let out a small sigh.

"He didn't ask me to come here, and he doesn't know I'm here. I kind of think he'd prefer if I didn't interfere. But I just couldn't let it go."

Nancy found her fingers gravitating to the bare skin on the ring finger of her left hand, and forced herself to interlace her fingers instead. She didn't know how to respond, so she just looked down.

"Did you ask Ned to leave because of what he had done, or because you're afraid he's still that person?" Edith asked softly.

Nancy took a quick breath. "Both," she said, her voice a barely audible whisper. Both and neither. They would be happier apart, away from each other; he would be happier in California, with _her_ …

Even though he had sworn that he was going to stay in Illinois, Nancy couldn't bring herself to believe it. If they were apart long enough, eventually he _would_ go back. He wouldn't be able to stop himself, without her tying him to this place, making him miserable.

Because he hadn't changed.

Edith made a soft noise. "Well, he can't change what he's done," she said. "I know he wishes he could, and I've told him that if you decide you can't take him back, he deserves that. I can't believe—" Edith shook her head again.

"But he loves you, Nancy. He loves you so much, and I know you still love him. And what you two have—what you _had_ , anyway—was too rare to just walk away from."

"But he did walk away," Nancy found herself saying before she realized it. " _He_ walked away from our marriage. And it doesn't matter how we feel about each other if he could hurt me that way—"

Nancy stopped herself with an angry sigh. She didn't want to talk about this right now. She needed to get to work, with a clear head.

"I'm sorry," she said, after a deep breath, her voice flat. "I really am sorry. I need to go to work." She gave Edith another thin, perfunctory smile.

Edith nodded, standing up. "And I am sorry I came by so unexpectedly, but you weren't answering your phone, and I was worried about you. I know that—the miscarriage must have been so terribly hard for you to go through."

Immediately Nancy felt herself go almost numb. She didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it, thinking about it, even the fact that it had happened hurt so much. She didn't want to pretend she had never been pregnant, but it was just easier, to be around people who didn't know, who didn't look at her with that kind of pity and sympathy. The pain was _hers._ Their baby had grown and died inside _her_ , and even though a part of her wasn't sure she could ever forgive Ned for the part his vices had played in that loss, she also wasn't sure she could ever forgive _herself_ for it, either.

It was incredibly hard to even force herself to speak, with Edith's gaze on her; Nancy looked down. "I'm sorry," she said again, mechanically, unsure of what her response was supposed to be. "I have to go."

Even though their conversation had been brief, for the rest of the day Nancy found herself thinking about it. She needed to contact a divorce lawyer and get the process started; from what she remembered about Illinois divorce law, since they were childless—

Thinking about that upset her again, but she forced herself to get past it.

Since they had no children, division of the assets would be quick. The divorce itself could be very quick, if Ned didn't contest it.

But he could. And proving his infidelity, even if it was just between lawyers, knowing he could bring up her own extramarital relationship, that he could show that she had been working on the marriage by going to counseling…

Nancy sighed. She would deal with it later. She considered asking her father if he had any suggestion about possible representation, but _that_ conversation would be mortifying, too.

_Like it won't be mortifying when he hears about it afterward? Sees me without my rings?_

Her work had been what helped her get through the day, once she had pulled herself from her depression and made herself go back. Today, though, she felt lost again, unable to concentrate. She needed to make some money, after all, needed to pay the hospital bills after what had happened to her, needed to find her own place to live, deal with the house, make some decisions…

And she would. She had made the hardest one when she had told him she wanted a divorce. Now it was all just semantics.

She couldn't take him back. She owed it to him, to both of them, to give them a chance at happiness again, and she knew it wouldn't, couldn't be together.

\--

Nancy couldn't count the number of times she had regained consciousness in a hospital bed—or on a couch, tied up in the trunk or backseat of a car, in a chair. Automatically, before she even opened her eyes, she took an internal account of the injuries. Her hip and upper thigh throbbed. Her right wrist ached. Her head was pounding like a motherfucker. Her jaw, too.

And her toes. Served the asshole who had attacked her right, that she had been wearing pointed-toe stilettos. She distantly remembered kicking him hard a few times.

The soft chirp of the monitors came to her next, the faint pinch of the IV in the back of her hand, and then the smell—

God, that same smell. The last time she had been here, that awful night, the blood—

She distracted herself by thinking about that time at Emerson when Maury had been helping with a case, and they—she, Ned, Paul, and Maury—had been caught and knocked out by the bad guys, left locked in a small shed at the edge of campus. Maury had moaned and clutched his head as he woke up. "So this must be what it's like to respawn," he'd groaned.

Ned had chuckled immediately, but Nancy had been puzzled. Maury had explained that when avatars—characters—died in video games and "respawned," they came back into the game, sometimes with their health stats diminished.

Ever since then, every time Nancy had come back to consciousness after being knocked out during a case, she had found herself remembering that conversation. Imagining that she had been reborn again, even if she felt significantly more beat-up than she had.

But at least she was in a hospital. So many times she had come to in much worse places.

Every breath of the antiseptic hospital air reminded her, again, of her most recent visit, and she frowned deeply as she raised her free hand and lightly touched her head. It was bandaged. She felt gauze under her fingertips.

"Nan?"

Nancy's eyes flew open. Oh God, she had to be dreaming. She couldn't, it couldn't be his voice—

Ned was sitting in the hard plastic chair beside her hospital bed, his dark eyes concerned as he gazed at her.

Nancy sucked in a swift breath. "What—what are you—"

Ned's fingers were working, his right index finger and thumb slowly twisting his wedding band against his left ring finger. "I'm still listed as your emergency contact," he explained softly.

"Oh," Nancy said, letting her head fall back slightly against the pillow, turning her face away from him. The pounding in her head felt even worse, and she closed her eyes, willing herself not to cry.

She didn't want to see him. She really, really didn't want to see him. She didn't want to see anyone at all, but especially not Ned.

She counted her heartbeats as she waited, dreading whatever he was going to say next. He was going to touch her, beg her, try to make her feel like shit, try to plead with her. Or maybe he would attack her career again, how dangerous her work was. Her stomach twisted into a knot in anticipation. With any luck the doctor would walk in soon and say she was free to go, and she would be able to get out of his presence quickly.

She had tried so, so hard to hate him, and she was still angry at him, but she didn't hate him. Whenever she thought about him, she just felt so incredibly sad. She would always love him, and being around him for any length of time would just make her depressed, this on top of everything else she was going through...

"The doctor should be back in a few minutes," Ned said quietly. "They X-rayed you just to make sure there was no internal damage."

Nancy let out a quiet chuckle. "I should have—"

"Superpowers by now," they finished together, and she was glad her eyes weren't open, glad she couldn't see his face. She let her very small smile fade. She didn't need to joke or laugh with the man who would soon be her ex-husband.

"I'm sorry you were hurt."

Nancy hated that she tried to find any hint of accusation or anger in his voice, any sarcasm, but she didn't. He sounded different than he had in a long time. For as long as she could remember, now, there had always been an undercurrent of something like self-righteousness in his voice whenever he spoke to her, even in his apologies. Like she owed him because he had given up his perfect, wonderful job in California. And she was so sick of it; if he wanted that life back, she refused to stand in his way anymore, to have him resent her anymore.

And now, the second she had figured it out... it felt like everything had suddenly changed, like the wall she had been leaning against had vanished. They had defined their relationship by what they had lost, and maybe he had lost his job in the process, but she had lost _him_. She had lost the man she had loved for so very long.

Worse than that, she had lost any faith whatsoever that she would ever truly get him back.

"Thanks," she murmured, finally. "I—Honestly I'm not sure what happened. He must have gotten the drop on me."

She could hear Ned taking another breath, preparing to say something else, when a tall female doctor wearing a white lab coat stepped into her room, and Nancy was relieved to see her doctor wasn't Dr. Chang.

"Really?" the doctor asked, glancing over her shoulder as she continued a conversation she was having with someone else, and Nancy's heart sank when Dr. Chang stepped into the room as well.

"Mrs. Nickerson," he said, then glanced over at Ned. "Mr. Nickerson."

Nancy sighed. "Hello," she said, her voice flat and tired.

"Have you experienced any complications?" Dr. Chang asked, looking at Nancy's face.

"Mmm. No. No complications," Nancy said, trying to force a smile. "Everything's—okay."

He asked her a few more questions, and Nancy hated that she was embarrassed to talk about it in front of the other doctor and Ned, but she couldn't help it. She felt almost detached from herself, tense and upset, and when Dr. Chang reassured them again that she should be fine barring any unexpected changes, Nancy forced herself to take a deep breath. She didn't want to look at Ned and see him with that damned pitying look on his face again, or guilt either, a guilt that echoed her own.

"Mrs. Nickerson, can we talk privately?"

Nancy glanced between the doctors, then at Ned, then at her bare left hand. "If this is about—how this happened, it was work," she said wearily. "I was on an assignment. Again, you can check with them. Believe me, m—my husband had nothing to do with it."

She hated that Ned might hear her words and interpret them to mean something more than she did, but she just didn't want to answer any more suspicious questions. She knew that she looked like she had just been through a barfight, like she had been pummeled, and she had. Just not by Ned.

Just not that way.

Dr. Chang and his female colleague, who had introduced herself as Dr. Wheeler, exchanged a glance. Dr. Chang sighed; he still didn't look like he'd had any sleep. "Okay," he said. "But if I see you here again soon..."

Nancy shook her head, taking a deep breath. "You won't," she promised, keeping her voice even. If only because she would insist on being taken to another hospital, next time. If she were able.

After Dr. Chang dismissed himself for his rounds, Nancy relaxed a little. Dr. Wheeler approached her and went over the injuries Nancy had suffered, saying that the X-rays hadn't revealed any other damage. "The trauma that worries me most is the head injury," Dr. Wheeler said, crossing her arms. "You've had a concussion, not to mention the dehydration—that's why you're on the IV. Along with the trauma that brought you here, you're also underweight and malnourished, and that means your immune system is most likely compromised."

Nancy brought her free hand to her head again. The pounding there was getting worse as she tried to swallow the tears that were rising. She didn't need to hear this again, not after Dr. Chang's talk with her, not after the way she beat herself up every time she thought about her physical state and its role in the miscarriage.

Ned touched Nancy's arm. "Okay," he said, drawing the doctor's attention to him instead. "Dr. Chang told us something similar, but what do you suggest to help?"

Dr. Wheeler looked from Ned to Nancy and back again, bringing her hand up to rub it against the back of her neck, under her short hair. "Without consulting with her primary physician, I can't say for sure. If you've developed a food intolerance or a hormone imbalance, that could be causing weight loss. Otherwise, if you're suffering from an eating disorder—"

Nancy swallowed hard. _Eating disorder._ She had tensed again, and felt Ned's gaze on her as he glanced over at her, then back at the doctor. "Then what," Ned said, his voice quiet but firm. "If that were true."

Dr. Wheeler pressed her lips together. "Then Mrs. Nickerson would need the kind of treatment—she would need psychological counseling as well as a structured nutrition plan. It's not as simple as me handing you a list and—"

"I don't have an eating disorder," Nancy said, her voice a little weaker than she wanted. She hated hearing to the doctor talking about her as though she weren't even present or able to speak for herself. "That's not the problem. I've just been—a little depressed lately."

Without even looking at him, she could tell Ned wasn't happy with her answer, but he didn't press it or say anything. Dr. Wheeler rubbed the back of her neck again. "Otherwise, you just need some rest, aspirin, lots of fluids, ice to help reduce the swelling. If you need the name of a counselor—"

"I have one." Nancy let out her breath in a long frustrated sigh. She didn't mean to snap at the woman, but being in the hospital again so soon, hearing everything dragged up again, just made her feel defensive and irritated. "I'm sorry. I'm already seeing a therapist. I've been eating better. I'll take it easy tonight. I just want to go home."

Dr. Wheeler frowned. "In the event that the concussion gets worse—if you—"

"If the headache gets worse, if I start throwing up, if I'm disoriented, I know," Nancy said with another sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired and it's already been a really long day and I want to go home."

"Will your husband be able to stay with you for the next twenty-four hours?"

Nancy opened her mouth, then closed it. While she had been given that advice before, she had only rarely followed it, and if Dr. Wheeler insisted that Nancy stay in the hospital overnight, she didn't know what she would do. The more they spoke, the more anxious and frustrated Nancy felt, and she was convinced that if she had to stay overnight, she would be a nervous wreck by the morning.

She just wanted to go home. She just wanted to get out of Ned's presence and pull the covers over her head. In the morning she would feel better; she had to. She couldn't imagine feeling much worse.

"I can," Ned said quietly.

Nancy's heart sank, but she didn't say anything to contradict him. She trusted that she would be able to convince him she was fine before they left the hospital.

On top of everything else, seeing him tonight just felt like the last straw. It had started that morning when she had seen his mother, and the whole day, she had been unable to concentrate. It was just perfect, fitting, that her day would end this way.

Her clothes were torn and smudged, but with most of it concealed by her coat she didn't look quite so bad, and Nancy sighed as she traced her fingertip along a ripped seam, leaving the hospital with Ned after she was released. She opened her mouth to thank him for coming by, to start convincing him to leave her alone.

"So where's your car?"

"Mmm. Off Adams."

"I'll drive you."

"Ned," she protested. "Look, I'll take a cab. I'm fine. Thanks for—for coming."

"I promised the doctor that I'd make sure you were okay. I'm going to make sure you get home safe, at least."

She wanted to argue with him, but just thinking about the effort it would take made her head pound. "Fine," she muttered. "Okay."

Her stomach flipped when she slipped into the passenger seat of his car, moving carefully so she didn't lose her footing in the icy parking lot. Ned let the heater on his car warm up the interior before he put the car in gear, as Nancy shivered in her long wool coat, her chin tucked down and her arms wrapped around her. She was relieved to be outside the hospital, but it was almost worse to be alone with Ned.

His radio was on, but the sound was indistinct under the persistent sound of the heater, and eventually Nancy warmed up enough to let her hands rest in her lap. Ned carefully pulled out of his parking spot and navigated through the parking lot, out to the intersection.

She kept expecting him to start his pleading again, and the longer the silence stretched, the more anxious she felt. "So you found a job," she said, her tone casual, hoping to head off any other, more loaded topics.

Ned nodded. "Yeah. The insurance company I worked over the summer a few times. It's not bad."

Her stomach relaxed just a little. She hadn't realized that she was worried he would be back at the Chicago branch of the ad agency, where he had previously worked, until he confirmed he wasn't. But, she reflected to herself sadly, Ned had been amazing at his job, too amazing to waste his talents on something that wasn't his true calling. And once he was back at his real work...

"So it's until you find something better."

Ned made a soft noise. "I have a lot of choices to make," he said. "I can't be in the kind of environment I was, in Los Angeles. You—you were right, Nan. I'm an addict. And I can't just hope I'll be okay if I'm faced with temptation again, especially if I'm under that kind of pressure again."

Nancy frowned, looking down. "I told you, you can go back there..."

Ned shook his head. "I don't want to be that guy anymore."

"Even though you enjoyed your work so much?"

"At what cost?" He glanced over at her. "Nan, you're the reason I'm not dead right now, the _only_ reason. And without you there, I don't think I'd make it a month."

Nancy flushed. "I'm not going back there."

"And I would never ask you to."

Nancy felt a wave of pure relief wash over her when he turned onto Adams, and she directed him to her car, reaching for the door latch before he had even pulled into the lot, she was so eager to get out of his presence. She didn't want to talk to him about any of this, not really, even though her curiosity was getting the better of her.

He pulled up beside her car. "I'll follow you home," he reminded her, as she swung her door open.

Again she paused, considering arguing with him, then shrugged, pulling her keys out of her purse.

During her entire drive she kept reminding herself that talking to him was a mistake, that she would just feel bad later. When she pulled into the garage of their— _her, hers_ now—home, she expected him to pull in beside her, and steeled herself for it; when he parked his car behind hers, in the driveway instead of the garage, she felt simultaneously relieved and sad.

She keyed in through the kitchen door and walked inside, slumping, stepping out of her heels and pouring a glass of water. In Hannah's absence, a few dishes had gathered in the sink; her appetite was still low, but she _did_ have a fucking appetite, sometimes. Fucking eating disorder. She didn't have a fucking eating disorder. She flushed with irritation when she remembered the look on the doctor's face as she had talked about it.

Her stomach flipped when Ned keyed in through their front door, stamping the snow off his shoes onto the outside mat before he closed the door behind him. Nancy had been given acetaminophen at the hospital, and she wasn't due for another dose anytime soon. Her headache was still there, throbbing distantly, but there was nothing she could do about it now, other than try to get some rest.

"Thanks for following me home," she said, crossing her arms as she walked into the living room. "But I'm fine. I'm just going to go to bed."

"The doctor made me promise that I'd watch you for twenty-four hours." Ned had his hands jammed into his coat, though; he hadn't made a move to take it off, to toe out of his shoes and tune the television to ESPN. To take his place as though he had never left.

"I'm _fine_ ," she repeated. "I don't want you here."

Ned flinched, and Nancy looked away, then closed her eyes. She was going to cry herself to sleep. She could already feel that fucking lump of tears gathering in her throat again.

"Then can I call Hannah and ask her to—"

"If that's what it'll take," Nancy said tiredly, sweeping her hair out of her face. She needed to get off her feet, to ice her bruises and just forget that today had ever happened.

He pulled out his phone and Nancy picked up her shoes, then went upstairs as he called Hannah. She went to the bathroom and washed her face to clean off her streaked and dusty makeup, biting her lip hard, and a few of the tears she had been holding back for the past few hours slipped out of her eyes. She splashed her face with freezing-cold water, then dried it off, making sure her eyelids weren't swollen and puffy from crying, moving carefully around the bandage.

She had closed the bedroom door behind her, but she hadn't locked it. She had just tugged the drawstring of her flannel sleep pants a little tighter and tied them when Ned tapped on the door, then opened it. "Hannah's on the way," he told her.

No. Seeing him in their bedroom doorway made her nervous. "I'll be right down," she told him, shrugging, so he would go back downstairs as well, and after a beat he nodded and closed the door again.

For a second she considered just locking the door, climbing under the covers and waiting for Hannah's arrival, but she needed ice. She sighed and flipped the bedroom light off, then went downstairs in her socks, her fingertips gingerly exploring her hip to see how awful the bruise would probably be.

Ned was already dumping ice into a plastic zippered bag when she came downstairs, and he brought it to her, offering it wordlessly. She accepted it with a small polite smile, then sat down on the couch, holding it to the worst of her bruises.

"Do you mind if I get a glass of water?"

She shrugged. "Go ahead," she murmured, pulling her legs up to curl beside her on the couch. She winced when shifting put pressure on another bruise.

Ned came back to the living room just as Nancy reached for the remote, turning on the television in the hopes that he would get the message and avoid any further conversation. He placed his water glass on a coaster and she swallowed when she looked at it. She had put those last five damn beers on top of one of the boxes she had packed with his belongings, then shook her head and just dumped them out. He could buy his own; he had his own place. He didn't have to answer to her for his behavior anymore, as though he ever really had.

_I'm an addict._

Ned cleared his throat, and Nancy's heart sank. She had hoped he wouldn't keep trying to have a conversation with her, and when a few minutes had passed in silence, she had almost started to relax. "You said... you thought I could start a new agency," he said. "Do you really think so?"

"Do you think I was just trying to flatter you?" She shrugged, shaking her head. "If you decide to do that, I'm sure you can. You're good at advertising. And if you went back..."

She let her sentence trail off. He had told her so many times that his life in California was the one he wanted, both with his words and all the ways he had neglected their relationship for it. Now that she had cut all ties with him, a very large part of her wanted him to go back there. She wanted him where he couldn't do what he had done tonight, to pop up unexpectedly and manage to startle her and work past her defenses. No matter how much she wanted to touch him, to feel his arms around her again, she knew it would only break her heart. He had shown her who he was, and the man she truly wanted to be with was gone.

She wanted him to be happy, or at least a part of her did. She just wanted him to be happy and in a place where he could no longer hurt her anymore. California would be good; Europe or possibly outer space would be even better.

Ned shook his head. "It would be easier," he admitted. "Easier to just... step back into that life. But it was destroying me. It made me into someone—some awful person. And no excuse I gave you for my behavior could _ever_ justify it. It—it was like a part of me couldn't deal with how happy I was, and tried to destroy all of it. And by far, the worst, the _worst_ thing is how much it hurt you. I could kill myself tomorrow and it wouldn't be as awful as hurting someone I love."

Nancy's breath caught in her throat. "Ned, you know that's not true," she said, her voice husky. "Please say you're not—not thinking about that."

He shrugged. "I know it will get better," he whispered. "It has to, doesn't it? But it almost feels like—I owe it to our baby, to hate myself this much. Because I was the father and I—I did something so awful."

Nancy took a shaking breath. "How do you think I feel?" she whispered before she could stop herself. "Our baby died inside me and I don't know how to forgive myself for that."

They looked at each other, and Ned's eyes were gleaming, just as hers were. "Nan, please, come see Sol," he said. "I know this past week has been completely awful, but please come to therapy. We're both going through this..."

Nancy looked down and the first tear tracked down her cheek, and she impatiently wiped it away.

"Please. Don't—don't stop seeing Sol just to spite me, okay? Just come on Thursday."

Nancy sniffled hard. "Ned, I told you," she said angrily. "There's nothing left. I'm finished with trying to fix it."

"Then what are you going to hurt by coming to therapy?" he pointed out. "Then there's nothing left to lose."

Nancy was about to retort when they heard Hannah pull into the driveway, and Nancy hastily reached for a tissue from the box on the coffee table to wipe her face. She hissed in pain when she tried to extend herself, and Ned pulled one out of the box and offered it to her.

"Please tell me you're going to call in to work tomorrow."

"I've already taken enough sick days," she muttered, wiping her face and hoping Hannah wouldn't notice, or at least wouldn't say anything if she did. "I'll just work from my desk tomorrow, okay? Is that okay with you?"

Ned frowned, standing up. He hadn't taken his coat off, and he didn't renew his offer to stay with her—but it was a little late; they could hear Hannah slam her car door shut and begin to make her way up the front walk, no doubt laden with leftovers and her knitting bag, ready to take care of Nancy the way she always had.

"I—"

Whatever he was about to say was cut off when Hannah knocked on the front door. Ned's adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, then went to answer her knock. Nancy forced a welcoming smile on her face, willing Ned to just shut up, to not put her on the spot in front of Hannah.

Even though Hannah had already seen Nancy without her rings, had to know something was wrong if Ned was leaving their home so late at night.

Ned sighed after Hannah stepped inside. "I hope you feel better," he said, turning toward Nancy. "And, if you can, Thursday…"

He let himself trail off, and Nancy took a breath. "I'll think about it," she said, trying to keep her voice calm and even. She didn't want to tell him to fuck off in front of Hannah.

Ned nodded. She could sense that he wanted to say something else, but he just wished Hannah a good night and left.

Nancy went to bed as quickly as she could decently manage it afterward; Hannah asked if she had eaten dinner, and when Nancy hesitated, she immediately went to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with some reheated homemade soup. Nancy had always loved Hannah's soup, but after her conversation with Ned, Nancy still felt unsettled and anxious. She was glad he hadn't insisted on staying, but it didn't seem to matter whether he was here or not, she could still feel him.

The feeling was even stronger in what had been their room, their bed. Their bed was so big, and even though the sheets had been changed, even though everything that was his was gone now, in a way, _everything_ in the house, everything they had selected and bought together, was like another piece of him. So many of her best memories included him.

She slipped between the sheets and closed her eyes immediately, clamping her lips tight together to keep her sobs from becoming audible, so she wouldn't tip off Hannah.

Nights were the worst. Trying to get to sleep, she was left alone with her thoughts, trying to figure out where they had gone so terribly wrong, but in all honesty it didn't matter. She just needed to get through the next day, and then the next. Eventually it would get easier. It had to.

But in the meantime, when she rolled onto her side and curled up, shivering against the chill, she just felt so tired, and so alone. Her fingertips brushed against her abdomen and her face fell, and she buried her head in the pillow, stifling her sobs.

She felt like she would never see the end of this, like there was no other side to find. Her grief was fathomless. Her entire world felt like it had come apart around her, and she was paralyzed by the loss.

All she had left were her friends and family, and her work. At least she had that.

In the morning it was a relief to carefully dress and get ready, despite her bruises and lingering headache. She thanked Hannah for coming over and promised that she would come over and see her father soon, when Hannah insisted on it yet again. In the car Nancy forced herself to listen to the radio, to focus on the music instead of the turmoil in her head.

Even though she had snapped at him, and a part of her hadn't truly meant it, she did spend the morning on research, taking breaks when staring at the computer screen gave her eyestrain and made her headache worsen. At lunch she saw a deliveryman leaving, and didn't think anything of it until she went back to her desk.

A glass vase was perched at the edge of her desk. It held white lilies, and red tulips and roses, and though it was small, it was beautiful. Though she was sure Ned had sent them to her, she still found herself looking for a card. But there was no card tucked in among the blooms.

A cream-colored envelope with her name written on the outside was tucked under the vase, though. Her name was written in Ned's handwriting.

Nancy sat down at her computer again, slowly, unable to take her eyes off the envelope. She couldn't bear the thought of just dumping the whole thing in the trash, even though accepting the bouquet and card made her feel like she was somehow giving in to him.

She managed to hold off for a few minutes before her curiosity got the better of her. Her stomach flipped as she tore open the envelope.

_Nancy,_

_I know there's nothing I could say or do to make what I did up to you, and I don't ask for your forgiveness because I could never earn it or deserve it. I can only say to you now what I should have told you so many times, what I should have remembered every time I put our relationship in jeopardy with another stupid decision._

_You are my life, Nancy Drew Nickerson. You are my world. I have never loved anyone else the way I love you, and I will never love anyone this way ever again. Of that, I am entirely sure. No matter what happens between us, I will never stop loving you, and I will never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did._

_If you decide to give me another chance, Nancy, I swear to you I will do everything in my power to make you happy. I swear that if you are ever able, somehow, to trust me again, I will never betray that trust. I know those words may sound hollow to you, but I mean them with every ounce of my strength. I am only now, only in the past few weeks, realizing just how thoroughly I destroyed everything that has ever given me any joy in this world. Nothing I could ever possibly gain would be worth the loss of you._

_I'm begging you for just one thing: a single chance. You don't trust the person I became, and I do not blame you for that. I'm asking for the chance to show you who I am now, to show you that the person who hurt you has died a long-overdue death._

_You are everything to me. You're the other half of myself, and I don't know who I am without you. I'm hollow and broken and miserable, and I know it's no more than I deserve. I want so badly to pull you into my arms and hold you tight, and never, never let you go again. My heart is locked between your ribs, my love. I know somehow I could learn how to live without it, but my life would not be worth living, without you in it._

_Please, Nancy, please. Please come to therapy Thursday. Please._

_I love you so much. I always will._

_Ned_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

"Nancy Drew Nickerson, are you going to let us in, or are you going to make us stand on your front porch all night?" Bess demanded by way of greeting. 

"Yeah, it's fucking freezing out here, Drew. I wouldn't just come out on a snowy, cold Wednesday night for anyone," George added.

After having their plans fall through several times—not that Nancy had really been in the mood for socializing over the last few weeks—she, Bess and George had decided to get together for a girls' night. The plan was for the three them to have dinner at her house before maybe hitting up a bar, depending on how the evening went. She hadn't seen the cousins since her return to Illinois, and she was long overdue for some fun with her best girlfriends. 

Laughing, Nancy opened the door wider, gesturing for the girls to come inside. "Hello to you, too."

She noticed with amusement that Bess was holding a large bottle of white wine and George had a big bottle of red in her wool-gloved hands. Without going into specifics, Nancy had mentioned offhand that she hadn't bothered to go liquor shopping since she'd returned; the cousins had apparently decided to take matters into their own hands.

"Ooh, it's so good to see you," Bess squealed, opening her arms wide. Nancy gratefully went into them as she gave Bess a long embrace, trying not to wince when her friend squeezed her bruised and sore body. 

"Hey, don't monopolize her, Bess," George interjected as she popped her head around her cousin's shoulder.

After their hug, George stood back and surveyed Nancy up and down, and Nancy felt herself shrink a little under her friend's assessing gaze. "Forgive me for sounding like my cousin - but damn. You're _thin_ , Nan," George told her frankly.  

Nancy wanted her weight to go back to normal just so she wouldn't have to hear comments like George's any longer. It was all anyone seemed to mention upon seeing her.

"I know, I know," Nancy sighed.  "But I'm eating, I swear. Hannah's been bringing me all kinds of homemade soup and meals, so you know I'll be back to fighting weight soon."

"And speaking of fighting weight… I see that someone's beaten the shit out of you yet again. That's quite a shiner, lady." George winced as she scanned Nancy's face. 

"I know, I know," Nancy repeated lightly. "Comes with the job. I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a possible concussion every few months or so, right? My frequent visitor punch card at the hospital is almost full—rumor has it, my next ER visit will be on the house."

Bess shuddered. "I don't know how you can joke about it, Nan. And I'll bet Ned didn't find it very funny, either."

Nancy held her breath, deliberating how to respond to the comment. She elected to ignore it, instead gesturing for her friends to hang up their coats and follow her into the kitchen. 

Both of her friends made noises of appreciation as they took seats at the kitchen table. "Something smells delicious," Bess commented. 

"It's lemon and garlic chicken, and I made couscous with almonds and roasted some broccoli.  Everything's almost ready. Go ahead and sit down while I grab some glasses."

"Yummmm," Bess sighed delightedly. "I can't wait."

"So, where's Ned?" George asked curiously. "One sniff of the dinner you're making for us, and I would've been sure that he would have been hanging around with a sad puppy-dog face, bummed out that he wasn't invited to eat with us."

Again, Nancy hesitated before replying, weighing whether she should make up a story about his whereabouts or if she should tell them the truth. Suddenly she was tired of holding it all in, sick of hiding the truth like it was a dirty secret. The burden of it all was heavy in her chest. 

She leaned over, placing both palms flat on the table, and looked directly at her friends. "The reason he isn't here is because Ned and I have separated. I asked him to move out and I told him that I want a divorce."

Bess and George wore matching looks of astonishment on their faces, their mouths hanging open wide. Their reactions would have amused Nancy, under any other circumstances. 

George was the first to speak. "Fuck dinner, Nan. Get three glasses and open that fucking bottle of Pinot Grigio. We're going to need it."

\--

"Honey, I had no idea that things were so bad!" Bess told her sympathetically before taking a bite of chicken. Nancy had quickly dished up the meal onto three plates in the hopes that it would help to absorb some of the vast quantities of alcohol she had a feeling that they were about to imbibe. "I mean, I saw that your relationship was strained when I went out to visit you, but…"

"Well, I'm totally in the dark here, so you'd better start from the beginning," George informed her, waving her already half-empty glass of wine. 

"I don't even know how to begin, George," Nancy sighed wearily. "There has been so much shit going on that it's hard to determine when it all went so wrong." She drained the contents of her glass, smiling her thanks when Bess instantly gave her a refill. 

"We knew that you weren't happy about moving out there to join him," George offered as a beginning, stabbing at a broccoli floret on her plate.

Nancy nodded. "To be completely honest, I never even wanted Ned to take the fucking job in California at all. I loved living here, near you guys and my dad and Hannah, and I loved my job, and the thought of giving all of that up was awful to me. I knew that living thousands of miles apart would harm my relationship with Ned, and I was right."

"So what changed your mind?" Bess prodded her. 

"Well, every time I went to visit him, it seemed like Ned was becoming more and more absorbed with his job. And he just kept putting down roots—he got an apartment, made all kinds of friends, got that fucking Mercedes... He _loved_ it out there. And I was flying all over the world while working on a special, super-secret mission with the Hardys, which put me into a dangerous situation…"

Nancy took another sip of wine. "I don't want to get into all of it, but Ned had to help rescue me and he was furious with me about it. We had a huge screaming match and I told him that things weren't working between us.

"Then, in a moment of weakness on my part, he guilted me into agreeing to move out to L.A. He reminded me of all of the sacrifices he'd made in our relationship and told me that he wasn't going to give in this time. What choice did I have?"

"So you went out there already pissed about having to uproot your life? Is that why you seemed so… unhappy when I was there?" Bess asked diplomatically.

Nancy nodded, scooping up a little couscous onto her fork. "I resented having to walk away from a life that made me so happy, and I resented him and his fucking job. I hated that he spent all of his time working—I mean, you saw that firsthand, Bess." Her friend nodded as Nancy raised her hand to gesture with her wineglass.

"For the first time in our relationship," she continued, "I felt like I was taking second place—and I hated it. I hated that my husband didn't want to spend time with me… and that he barely wanted to touch me," she added softly. 

"Girls, you remember what things used to be like between Ned and me. We could barely keep our hands off of each other. No matter what, the sex was always phenomenal. And then… it wasn't. We'd have sex occasionally, but it was like we were both going through the motions, so to speak." Nancy chuckled ruefully, taking another slug of Pinot Grigio.

"And Ben?" Bess prompted her. "The hot as hell cop that Nancy… made friends with," she reminded George. 

"He was just a distraction," Nancy admitted. "It was nice to be with a guy who wanted to be with me—hell, who just wanted me in general.  In a weird way, he reminded me so much of Ned, and he was a great cure for the loneliness. I was so, so lonely." 

A tear made its way down her cheek as she remembered. "I felt empty and lonely and ugly all of the time. The only time that I felt alive was when I spent time with Ben—he praised me, took an interest in my life, acted like he cared about me... I was so depressed and sad the rest of the time. 

"And when I did spend time with Ned, we'd argue all of the fucking time. He was pissed that I'd taken another job where I'd likely put myself in danger… but more than that, it seemed like he was pissed that I'd even decided to work at all.  If it were up to him, I'd have either stayed at home or worked at some stupid office job, filing paperwork and doing other boring shit like that all day. Safe and miserable.

"The only time he was sweet to me was when he wanted something, like my attendance at one of his work functions. I was his damn trophy wife—he'd trot me out when he needed arm candy in a pretty dress and high heels.  But when he'd take me to those work functions, once we were there, he'd just ignore me, and then get mad when I wouldn't plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine." The pain of the memories was still so raw, so fresh, that she had to press her lips together to try and hold back her sobs. 

"Wow," George said quietly. "Nan… Nan, I am so fucking sorry. I wish I'd known. I would've made some time to come out there and see you."

"And I would've gone to visit you more than just that one time," Bess chimed in. 

Nancy plucked a paper napkin from the holder on the table and used it to pat her cheeks dry. "Thank you both."

"But honey, I thought that you and Ned had been trying for a baby," Bess asked gently, forking up more chicken. "Even though things between you were like that? Did you think that would be good?"

Nancy remembered that her girlfriends hadn't known about the pregnancy or the miscarriage, and the irony of Bess's words was almost too much to take. "Probably not," she admitted with a hollow laugh. "But I had already told him that if I were to get pregnant, I'd expect us to return here to raise the baby."

"So the pregnancy thing was like an escape plan on your part," George guessed accurately. She scooped up some couscous and dragged her fork through the lemon sauce pooling in her plate. 

"Exactly. And when I'd agreed to move out there in the first place, our original deal was that it would be a trial arrangement. If I hated it, we could re-evaluate our situation at the end of six months. But once I was in California, the longer we stayed, I eventually realized that Ned had no intention of making good on his promise. He fully intended to stay out there permanently."

Bess had a puzzled expression on her face. "So he changed his mind? Why _did_ you come back?"

"Well… there's even more to the story that I haven't told you yet." She finished her drink before pushing her plate to the side, her meal virtually uneaten save a few bites.

"More to the story?" George asked, grabbing the bottle and giving Nancy a healthy pour before giving herself and Bess refills.  "It sounds fucking awful enough already."

"Just wait—it gets worse. It seems that my darling husband picked up a few ugly habits while he was in California. One of which was drinking."

"Nan, he always liked to drink—he was in a frat, for God's sake," George pointed out. 

"I know, but when we were in L.A, he drank all the fucking time, and I don't mean a drink or two, either. I'm talking half a bottle of scotch at a time, or more, or a whole six-pack of beer. Getting pulled over for a DUI. _That_ kind of drinking."

"Shit," Bess whispered. "No wonder you wanted a divorce." She ate some more chicken.

"Yeah," Nancy chuckled sardonically. "And we haven't even gotten to the best part of the story yet, Bess," Nancy told her wearily. "Or, should I say, the worst part."

"There's more?" George demanded, horrified.

"That's right. It seems that while _I_ was lonely and heartbroken over watching the man I loved turn into a goddamn stranger, _he_ made a little friend. A sexy little brunette named Carly."

Both Bess and George stared at her in astonishment. "Are we talking about the same Ned Nickerson that I think we're talking about?" George demanded. "Because I'm all kinds of confused right now. The guy I remember never would have even _looked_ at another woman—let alone screwed around with one."

"One and the same," Nancy confirmed with a sigh. "And if _you're_ confused, then just imagine how I was feeling. I dated the man since I was fifteen and I'm _married_ to him, for fuck's sake." Drinking wine on a virtually empty stomach had started to make her feel lightheaded, so she picked up her fork and took a small bite of chicken. 

"Did he have a fucking personality transplant?" George asked after taking more wine. "Was he drinking _that much_? Because he never seemed like that before..." 

"I wish it were that simple an explanation."

"When I went to visit you, he did seem..." Bess paused, as if searching for the right word. "Remote. Like he was there, physically, but his mind was elsewhere.  And he was barely home and never bothered to spend any time with us. I didn't want to say anything at the time, since you were already so upset." 

At that, Nancy flushed slightly, remembering how she had snapped at Bess during her visit to California. 

"He was definitely acting weird, but I never would have guessed that he'd had a girlfriend."

"Oh, but he did. I knew who she was—we'd gotten into an… an _altercation_ at his company's holiday party," Nancy explained euphemistically. "But Ned kept swearing up and down that Carly was just a client of his firm's and that there was nothing going on between the two of them.

"Well, after months and months of Ned claiming that he had no interaction with Carly, except professionally, I found out that they'd been spending time together outside work. And I even caught them—want to know how?"

When the cousins both nodded, Nancy continued. "One night, I was bound and determined for us to have sex. I made him come home at a decent hour, cooked a nice dinner, put on some new lingerie…

"Everything started out fine. He was slightly drunk, but by then that was par for the course. We started fooling around, so we went upstairs.  Then Ned put in a porn DVD and asked me for… a threesome." She paused to take another drink, following it up with a little couscous, blaming the wine for the slight flush in her cheek.

"Seriously, what the fuck is it with men and threesomes?" George demanded. "I just don't get it." 

"Same here," Nancy replied wryly. "So I told him, for the millionth time, that there was no way in hell.  Well, that set off a screaming match.  Like I said, we'd been fighting non-stop, but this—girls, this was like a prize fight, ten rounds and all.  It was probably one of the worst fights we've ever had, if not _the_ worst.

"We called each other names, accused each other of all kinds of awful shit, then he…" Even after all of this time, Nancy still couldn't say the words without feeling a stab of pain.  "He told me I'd be a terrible mother because I hadn't grown up with one of my own."

Bess gasped as George stood up and smacked her palms on the table. "That _motherfucker_. Where is that asshole? I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind."

Bess stood too, only she was slightly wobbly from the alcohol she'd consumed. "Wait up—I'm coming with."

"Girls, no," Nancy said. "Sit down, because I'm not done yet." 

George reluctantly slid back into her seat. "If it gets worse, can we go kick his ass when you _are_ done?"

"Yep," Nancy confirmed with an exaggerated nod of her head. _Wow, that wine really is getting to me_ , she thought before taking another bite of chicken. 

"Promise?"

"Yep. Now, let me finish." When both of the cousins were seated again, she went on. "So I threw some of the nice china that we'd gotten for our wedding at him, those beautiful plates and dishes I'd served our dinner on, and we kept screaming at each other. I told him that I couldn't stand the sight of him, he told me he felt the same way about me, and he stormed out. But not before I took his keys and told him that he wasn't driving because I didn't want him to get another DUI on my watch."

Nancy paused to take another drink. Relaying this story was still so damn hard, even after all the months that had passed in between. At least now she had alcohol and her best girlfriends to get through it.

She did feel slightly bad about sharing all of these intimate details about the state of her marriage, like she was betraying Ned in a weird way, but it felt so damn good for her to be able to let it out after all this time. She'd had to hold everything in and hide it from the people she loved for so long, and doing so had taken a toll on her, emotionally and physically.

Nancy realized that if she were to take Ned back—and that was still a big _if_ , she reminded herself—then her friends would probably always look at Ned with at least some level of resentment and distrust. They'd only see the man who had once been their friend as someone who had hurt Nancy and had been unfaithful to her.

_You can't think about that now_ , she reminded herself. _You need to do what's best for you, and right now, that's talking it out with people who have your best interests at heart._

Nancy swallowed another sip of wine before continuing her story. "I thought that he'd pace around outside for while and then come back in so we could make up. After all, that's how we fight. We scream and call each other every awful name under the sun and then we…"

"Fuck?" Bess supplied helpfully. 

"That's right," Nancy confirmed with a nod of her head, recalling how Solomon had called out their pattern of behavior during one of their therapy sessions. "But not this time. After he was gone for a while, I opened the door to ask him to stop being such a jackass and get back into the house. But I was too late. Seems he'd called his slut Carly to come pick him up so he could cry on her slutty little shoulder. Imagine how I felt after I followed her car and realized that she was headed to a hotel."

"Oh, shit," George groaned.

"That lying, cheating bastard," Bess interjected indignantly, downing the rest of her wine and pouring more.

Nancy was amused by the outrage on her behalf. "Tell me about it. So they were all cozy at the bar—talking and drinking, him pouring his heart out about his crazy bitch of a wife… and she was the very picture of sympathy." She looked down at her glass, disappointed to find it empty, then reached across the table to pour herself some more.

"That, of course, was when my fucking boss decided to fucking call me about some bullshit case. I got up to take the call and when I came back to the bar, my husband and Carly were gone. Well, because I'm a damn good detective—"

"You are," Bess agreed loyally, her words slightly slurred. "The best detective _ever_."

"Thank you—you're so sweet! Where was I?" 

"You were telling us how your asshole husband went up to a hotel room with some nasty skank," George supplied helpfully.

"Thank you," Nancy repeated. "You're a good friend, too! So, anyway, I found out what room the whore had booked and practically beat down the fucking door.  When I walked in…" she took a deep breath, "I sawthe covers pulled back on the bed, _she_ was in a bathrobe, and my husband's fucking pants were unzipped and his shirt was open—"

The look of horror on Bess's face would have almost been comical under different circumstances. "Had they—"

"He told me that nothing had happened," Nancy cut in. 

"Yeah, right," George snorted. 

"I was livid. Meanwhile, that bitch was all but gloating that she'd finally managed to get my husband alone in a hotel room, crowing about how apparently I couldn't keep him satisfied. _My_ husband _._ So I… I clocked her. I punched that cunt right in her smug little face." 

George raised her hand for a high-five, which Nancy enthusiastically returned, repeating the same gesture with Bess.

"Serves that whore right, coming on to a married man like that," Bess sniffed.  She went to pour some more Pinot Grigio but realized that the bottle was empty. Shrugging, she grabbed the corkscrew from the middle of the table and opened the bottle of Merlot. 

"We need different glasses for red than the ones we used for white, Bess," George reminded her.

"Please," Bess sniffed. "This story is so awful that we just need to keep the wine coming, for Nan's sake. I'll bet that she doesn't give a shit what she drinks it from. We could put it in a fucking sippy cup and she probably wouldn't argue."

George burst into laughter, and Nancy joined in a moment later. _This is what I had been missing all of that time in California_ , she thought. _People who knew me and loved me and would immediately take my side_. _This_ was home—having a quiet evening in with her two best girlfriends and sharing wine, talking about their problems. 

"So what happened after you caught Ned with his slut?" Bess asked once she had poured the red wine into their glasses.

"Well, she got dressed—after she dropped her robe and showed off her naked body to my husband, of course—and she left."

"And then you went off on Ned, I'm assuming?" George inquired.

"You're damn right I did," Nancy confirmed grimly. "And he cried and told me that it hadn't been what it looked like…"

"Did he think you're stupid?" Bess demanded incredulously.

"That's what I asked! But he insisted over and over again that nothing had happened, that they'd kissed and he'd touched her naked tits but they hadn't had sex.  He said that Carly had gotten on her knees and unzipped his pants—"

"Did she blow him?" George asked bluntly.

"Supposedly not. He swore up and down that she'd put his cock into her mouth but he stopped her before she could suck him off."

George snorted in disbelief. "And you believed him?

"Hell no!" Nancy exclaimed, taking more Merlot.  "But that wasn't all. I saw something else when I walked into that hotel room." She paused, steeling herself. "There was a mirror on the dresser, and it had lines of cocaine on it."

"Holy shit," the cousins chorused in one voice.

"And this was _after_ we'd gone to a party where people were snorting cocaine out in the open and Ned had _sworn_ to me that he had never and would never do drugs. Later I found out that he'd been doing coke for a while—and liked to get high with _her._

"So he begged me to forgive him and I refused. Then he wanted us to go back to the house and talk things out. I was so devastated and angry that I told him to go to hell. He followed me out of the hotel and kept begging me to take him back, kept telling me that he was sorry."

"So what was his excuse?" Bess wanted to know, sipping at her Merlot. "Not that he could have _any_ , for that."

"Well, he didn't really have a good one, I'll tell you that. He said that it was all a stupid mistake, that he'd been upset after our fight and that he hadn't meant to let things get as far as they had. But I was just completely worn out that I just couldn't hear it anymore—I was in a total state of shock, it was like two o'clock in the morning, and I…"

She stopped, unsure of how to proceed, remembering how Bess had accused her of having an inappropriate relationship with Ben. _Here goes_ , she thought to herself, finishing her glass of wine.

"That's when I called Ben and he invited me to his place."

"Oh my God," Bess gasped. 

"Nan," George said. " _No_."

"It's not what you think." When the cousins gave her disbelieving looks, she heaved a sigh. "Okay, it's not as bad as you think. I went over there just seeking some comfort and one thing led to another and…" Nancy took a deep breath. "I kissed him and let him get my shirt and bra off, but I stopped him before we could have sex. 

"A colossally stupid mistake and incredibly wrong, I know, but I was hurt and furious and just wanted to do something to get back at Ned. A revenge fuck seemed like a good way to do it. I think I was also looking for a way to drown the pain, a way to just block everything out and find a way to make myself feel good.

"But I wound up feeling worse. I knew that everything I was doing with Ben was motivated by my rage and pain. Unlike my _darling husband_ ," she laughed bitterly, "I could picture exactly what the consequences would have been if I had slept with another man, and I just couldn't pull the trigger."

"Does Ned know?"  Bess demanded.

When she nodded her head, George made a sound of surprise. "And this Ben guy's still alive?"

"Yeah. When I left Ben's place, I'd had enough of California, enough of Ned—I was done with all of it. I packed up my shit and came to Chicago, without telling my husband."

George made another noise, this one of incredulity. "I get that you didn't want him to know your whereabouts, but you never told _us_?"

Nancy gave her friends a sheepish look. "I was upset, I was confused, I didn't know what I should do… It was just a lot. The idea of talking about it made me sick inside—and, frankly, embarrassed."

"Of course," Bess cooed sympathetically. "You poor thing." 

"To make a long story longer, once he did finally call me—after entirely too much time, I'd like to point out—I gave him an ultimatum. Either he came to see me so we could talk things out within a week, or it was over."

George whistled. "Good for you, Nan."

"And I'm assuming he did, since you were both living together in this house at some point," Bess correctly guessed. 

Nancy nodded. "Yeah. He told me that he wanted us to try again. And then I told him about…"

She suddenly felt herself near tears again as she was about to reveal one of her biggest secrets of all. "One of the reasons I even considered taking him back, after everything... I told him that I was pregnant—that we were going to have a baby," she finished softly, tracing one finger along the stem of her wineglass.

Both Bess and George's heads snapped up at that. "Oh my God," Bess gasped. "Honey, that's… that's great news! Isn't it?"

Nancy bit her lip, willing herself to continue. Of all of the terrible, heartbreaking things she had revealed this evening, this was going to be the hardest to talk about.  She looked up to see expressions of guarded excitement on her friends' faces. 

The look on George's face slowly changed to one of puzzlement. "Wait. If that happened a few months ago, then why are you drinking now, Nan? Surely that can't be good for the baby?"

Bess's eyes widened. "Nan?"

That was all it took for Nancy to start sobbing. "I… I…" she managed to get out. "I lost the baby two weeks ago."

"Oh no!" Bess gasped sympathetically, her eyes filling with tears. "Honey, I'm so sorry!" She jumped up from her chair and threw her arms around Nancy, whose shoulders heaved with the force of her sobs. 

"Me too, Nan," George told her, her dark eyes moist as she got up and hugged Nancy from the other side.

"It was so awful," Nancy whispered, rocking in her friends' arms. "When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was so conflicted. After all, my marriage was a disaster and everything was all up in the air. I even thought about… about getting rid of it, never even telling him," she confessed, feeling ashamed. "God, it's so awful to say, especially after what happened, but it's the truth."

"Nan, you can't beat yourself up about it. Anyone in your situation would have had the same doubts," George told her reassuringly, patting her arm. 

"Yeah," Bess echoed. "It was totally natural—the thought of raising a baby on your own while your marriage was ending must have been so scary."

Nancy continued to cry, but she felt immensely relieved by her girlfriends' support. She had been half-afraid that they would hate her or be shocked by her admission.

"But once I got past that, I was glad to be pregnant. And when I had the… the miscarriage," she whispered the word, "it just devastated me. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Then, when the doctor said that it could have happened as a result of my low weight, I felt guilty." She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

"Nan, anything could have caused it," Bess told her, patting Nancy's back. "Even women in the most perfect situations lose babies. Sometimes it just happens."

 "I know. But what made it even worse was when the doctor said that drinking and drug use could have negatively affected Ned's sperm, and that it could have been one of the reasons that it happened. Poor quality sperm may have resulted in a fetus that wasn't viable."

"Shit," George breathed. "So how pissed were you at Ned when you heard that?"

Nancy gave a hollow laugh. "Very. And it also got me thinking. I realized that we didn't belong together anymore—we'd grown apart and we kept trying to save something that had died a long time ago. We're two very different people now, and now that the baby's not… not a factor anymore, it doesn't make sense to keep torturing each other by trying to fix something that's irrevocably broken, when all we do is make each other unhappy. At least if we're apart, we might..." She choked for a second. "He can be happy, having the life he wanted, and I could try to find a way to be happy too."

Bess went back to her seat, finished her wine, and poured them each some more. "And that was when you asked him to move out?"

Nancy nodded. "Yeah. I told him that I wanted a divorce."

"And he just accepted it?"

"No.  Not at all. He cried and pleaded with me to reconsider. He told me that he was sorry and that he'd do anything to make it up to me." Nancy took a long swallow from her glass, glad that her crying jag had ended.  She knew she had work tomorrow and would probably have an awful hangover in the morning, but she didn't care anymore. 

"We had already been in marriage counseling:  joint sessions as well as individual ones. That was one of the demands I gave him when we reconciled. Either we went to therapy or I wouldn't even consider taking him back."

Seated once more, George poured more wine. "So how did the counseling go? I mean, I guess the answer is ‘not well', because you kicked his ass out anyway."

"Well, it was where I told Ned about Ben and how I found out that he was doing drugs on a regular basis, so it at least got rid of some of the secrets between us. And, to his credit, Ned went every week, even though he hadn't wanted to even go in the beginning. 

"But counseling didn't really change how we interacted with each other—we'd still have screaming matches and call each other ugly names and then screw as a means of making up." She finished her Merlot and put her hand over the top of the glass to stop Bess from giving her another refill. "When I told Ned that I wanted the divorce, he asked me to reconsider and suggested that we keep going to counseling so we could keep working on our ‘marriage'." Nancy curled her fingers into air quotes.

"Do you think that more therapy can help you get past what happened?" Bess inquired softly, ever the optimist.

George snorted. "If you were her, would you ever get over finding out that your husband's a cheating, lying, amoral coke fiend whose dirty little habits may have led to your miscarriage?"

"Under any other circumstances, I'd say no," Bess responded. "But this is Ned and Nan we're talking about! They've been together for so damn long! They've been in love since we were kids—they're the ones who were supposed to make it!" she cried out. "The ones that we've all aspired to be!"

"You've been watching too many romantic comedies, Bess," her cousin chided her. "True love forever and ever may not be realistic in the real world. She gave it her best and he didn't. Why should she continue to let him hurt her?"

"Because everyone makes mistakes. Granted, Ned made some majorly terrible ones, I'll give you that," Bess conceded. "But despite everything, he's working on it, going to therapy. Right, Nan?" Nancy nodded reluctantly. 

"God knows I'm not taking his side, but I'm sure it hasn't been a fucking picnic for him to have to sit in those sessions and talk about his shitty, irresponsible behavior and cop to all of the ways he caused their marriage to go off the rails. But he still shows up for those appointments, George.  And now he's telling Nan that he wants to continue therapy and he's begging her not to give up on them."

"He's the one who gave up on them when he started having a goddamn affair," George retorted. "And snorting coke and drinking to excess and ignoring Nan."

Nancy just sat back and listened to her friends go back and forth. It was as if they were the proverbial devil and angel on her shoulders, each one taking complete opposite sides of the argument.

"I agree, but how can Nan just walk away after committing twelve years of her life to this relationship?" Bess pointed out. "Living apart is a good idea. This way, they won't fall into their old pattern of fighting and fucking. But they need to keep trying! There has to be something left. I refuse to believe that every good feeling and memory of what they once shared has been obliterated by one terrible year."

"The past is the past, Bess," her cousin argued. "But right now, his word doesn't mean shit. Ned can talk all he wants about how sorry he is, how he wishes he could do something to talk it all back, but can he prove it? Can he give her concrete evidence that he's done with all of his bad habits and that he has no intention of falling back to them again? That he's no longer the selfish, irresponsible prick he turned into in L.A.?"

"Actually, he can and he has," Nancy cut in without thinking.

Bess and George both swiveled their heads to stare at her in surprise; it was almost as if they'd forgotten she was there.

"When I got hurt a few days ago, Ned came to get me at the hospital because he's still listed as my emergency contact. When he came back here to the house to make sure I was going to be okay, he told me that he had no intention of going back to California because he knew that if he did, he'd fall right back into his old patterns of drinking and doing drugs. He knew that he'd turn into a full-fledged addict and he didn't want to take that risk."

"Nan, I know you want to believe him, but talk is cheap," George said quietly.

"I know, but he's also avoided taking a job at a top ad agency here in Chicago. Even though he's incredibly talented and would get snatched up by one of them in a second, he doesn't want the temptation of being sucked in by that high-pressure, hard-partying lifestyle. Instead, he's taken a position at that insurance company where he used to work during his summers off from Emerson.

"And Ned's told me that if I agree to give our marriage one more chance, he'll do everything possible to show me how he's not that person he became in California. He wants to, I don't know, court me so we can get to know each other all over again. He sent me flowers with a long letter telling me that he wants to make everything up to me."

"See!" Bess crowed triumphantly. "It's a start!"

George rolled her eyes. "So what are you going to do, Nan? Are you going to go ahead and initiate the divorce proceedings or are you going to give Ned another chance? Not that he deserves one."

"Please consider going back to therapy with him," Bess urged. "Honey, you must be so emotionally destroyed right now.  But—and again, I'm not saying this to take his side, believe me—he's probably grieving, too. After all, you _both_ lost that baby, Nan. Does it even matter whose actions could have caused the miscarriage?"

Nancy shrugged, suddenly unsure. She'd been angry with Ned ever since the night it had happened, but she'd also been angry with herself. Despite the blame she'd assigned him, she knew damn well that her poor eating habits and body image issues had definitely been a major factor in losing the baby.

Bess kept going. "Even putting that aside, you must have felt like your whole foundation was crumbling when one of the few things that was always a constant—Ned's undying love and support—suddenly was gone. It probably seemed like you had lost the other half of yourself," she added perceptively.

Nancy nodded slowly. "It did," she admitted softly, near tears again. "I feel like something inside of me is missing, and I'm not just talking about the—the baby.  I miss my husband. 

"I miss the man who used to make me laugh, who always swore up and down that he'd love me forever, no matter what or who tried to come between us. I miss the person who always went out of his way to do nice things for me, who cherished me, who always took my feelings into consideration. And I don't know if I'll ever get him back again." When she felt the first hot tear slide down her cheek, she grabbed for another napkin.

Bess reached across the table and patted Nancy's hand. "If you give up on your marriage now, you never will get him back. If you keep going to therapy with him, maybe there's a chance that you can have that again. It won't be the same, but maybe it can be good again.  There's no guarantee, but how will you know if you don't at least try?"

"Even if you do resume counseling, are you ever gonna be able to trust Ned again?" George asked quietly. "Nan, I love you and having to hear all of the terrible ways that he put your marriage and your happiness at risk… frankly, it pisses me off. And the thought of you putting yourself out there to potentially get hurt again pisses me off even more.

"Let's just say that you go through counseling and in six months, Ned gets bored and antsy. Or something stresses him out. So he starts doing a line or a hit here or there. Then he starts flirting with some woman at the office." Nancy flinched upon hearing her friend voice her worst fears. "Can you truly say that you're willing to take the chance that Ned's really back to being the man that we all used to know? Because if he betrays your trust this time around… that hurt you're feeling now? Is going to be a thousand times worse. And I honestly don't know how you'd ever get over that."

"But can you just walk away, Nan? I mean, he was the love of your life and you were his! How do you just turn your back on that? You only get one true love of your life!" Bess declared dramatically.

"Ned should have thought of that before he screwed around on her," George informed them sourly. "I'm sorry, Nan, I know that he's still your husband, but his behavior was so inexcusable that no amount of therapy could ever wipe the slate clean."

"But how will you know unless you try?" Bess argued. "I'm not disagreeing that he did a lot of horrible shit and that you should make him work incredibly hard to win you back. But can't you just give him one more chance?"

Nancy stared down at her plate, the remaining food now cold. "I don't know," she replied softly. "I don't know if I have it in me."

"And no one would blame you if you just let go, Nan," George told her quietly. "I'm not saying that it won't be tough. After all, you've been with him for half of your teen years and all of your adult life. But you'll find a way to go on without him. Even if you can't picture it now, one day you'll be able to date other guys and maybe even get serious about one of them."

The thought of being with another man made Nancy's stomach clench. Even when she'd been on the brink of sleeping with Ben, she hadn't been able to go through with forsaking her marriage vows. The idea of touching and kissing someone other than her husband had been unimaginable, in spite of how much Ned had hurt her.  

"Nan, can I ask you something?" When Nancy nodded, Bess went on. "Do you still love him?"

"It's not that simple—"

Bess held up her hand to interrupt her cousin. "George, I wasn't talking to you. You've made your point, but I've asked Nancy a question and I think her answer is important. Go ahead, Nan."

Nancy took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "After everything he's put me through, I should say no, but…" She paused.

"That's what your head is telling you. What is your heart saying?" Bess asked gently. 

"I…" Nancy hesitated again, licking her lips nervously.

"No, no—stop thinking about what you think the ‘right' answer should be. Just answer from your heart. Nancy, are you still in love with Ned?"

"I… Yes. Yes, I still love him. I probably always will, despite everything."

Saying the words aloud made Nancy angry with herself for even admitting it.  _But it's the truth_ , a little voice inside of her piped up.

"Is love enough?" George pressed her. "Can that undo everything that's happened, the terrible way he's treated you, his apparent disregard for your marriage and the vows you made to each other?"

Her friend's words reminded Nancy of what she had told Ned the night she'd removed her wedding rings. She looked down at her bare ring finger of her left hand.

Bess leaned across the table. "Nan, neither my cousin nor I can tell you what to do here. It doesn't matter what _we_ think. It's your life, and you have to live with the consequences of your decision, either way.  And we'll love you and support you, no matter what—right, George?" She looked up at her cousin, who pursed her lips. "Right, George?" Bess repeated, more forcefully this time.  

George gave a tentative nod. "It doesn't mean that I won't want to punch him in the face the next time I see him, but Bess is right," she said begrudgingly. "I just want you to be happy, Nan. If that means taking Ned back, then I'll find a way to get behind your decision.

"But it is _your_ decision, Nan – you're the one who'll have to live with it every day. If you feel like you'd be better off without Ned, then stop fucking around and go to a divorce lawyer. If you think that you can't live without him, then go to that therapy session tomorrow and commit to making your marriage work again.

"But you need to commit to _something_. While it probably feels satisfying to keep him dangling, staying in this limbo isn't good for you. And your happiness and well-being are the most important to me."

Her friends' words rang in her ears later that night as Nancy flipped off the downstairs lights once they'd gotten safely into a cab. As she made her way up to the bedroom, she wondered if she could she really make it without Ned for the rest of her life. 

The better question was, did she even want to? Nancy honestly didn't know. 

\--

Ned flung his TV remote onto the coffee table, hearing it clatter against the glass.  He had been flipping through the channels for the past thirty minutes but couldn't seem to find something to capture his attention. Not even ESPN was enough to distract him from his thoughts.

He rose from his chair and wandered his tiny living room, restless and anxious. All he could think about was tomorrow's therapy session, and whether or not Nancy would show up. He couldn't imagine what he'd do if she didn't, and he had a feeling that calling her would be a mistake. He had left the ball in her court; he would find out her answer tomorrow, but the anticipation was enough to kill him.

Ned made his way to the kitchenette area and opened the refrigerator door, staring at the contents. He would kill for a beer or maybe a glass of scotch. He glanced at his watch to see if the stores would still be open…

The minute the thought crossed his mind, Ned cursed himself. "What the fuck are you doing?" he berated himself aloud. "That's the kind of shit that got you into this mess in the first place, asshole! That's the reason you're in this shitty apartment all by yourself!"

He slammed the refrigerator door shut, pissed at himself.  Stalking to his bedroom, he quickly undressed and washed up before getting into bed.

Ned lay on his back, his hands folded behind his head, trying to will his brain to shut itself off. No matter how hard he tried, sleep wouldn't come. Ever since he'd moved in here, he'd had a difficult time getting to sleep every night; the other side of the mattress just felt empty without Nancy there.

He just couldn't stop thinking about her and how they'd lived in this apartment complex right after they were first married. They'd been so in love then, Ned remembered with a stab of pain. Blissfully happy and in love, and they'd found it nearly impossible to pull themselves out of bed—or restrain themselves from having sex on every flat surface in their place.

Turning onto his side, Ned punched his pillow, attempting in vain to find a comfortable position. The only way he'd truly be comfortable would be with Nancy curled up against him, an arm thrown over her hip as they slept spooned up together. He missed the sound of her breathing, the way she'd cuddle up to him, seeking warmth on cold mornings and even colder nights.

Idly, he wondered what she was doing now. If she was able to sleep or if she stayed awake at night like he did, replaying all of their fights in her head and rehashing everything that had gone so wrong between them over the past year.

Ned also wondered if Nancy was eating and taking care of herself. Seeing her so damn thin destroyed him, and the shame he felt by knowing that he had been a direct cause of it was just one more brick in the wall of guilt that was ever-growing in his heart.  

Seeing her bruised and battered had only served to reinforce how delicate Nancy was right now. God knew that she'd always gotten herself into dangerous scrapes and had taken more than her fair share of beatings, but this last one seemed almost worse to him—had she been at her normal weight, she might have had a better shot of successfully fighting back.

Ned flipped onto his other side, yanking the covers up over his body. If he hadn't been such a stubborn asshole, he'd be in bed with her in their master bedroom, in what had been _their_ home.  But he'd fucked up far too badly for that to be an option right now.

How could he have thought that Carly was worth destroying his marriage? Why in the hell couldn't he have seen through the brunette's motives? All she had cared about was having fun and getting high—she had had no regard or respect for his wife or his marriage. The fact that he was forbidden fruit had made it that much sweeter for her to play her little games, Ned now realized. Sickened, he remembered how Nancy had warned him that Carly had only wanted him as a means of revenge for the holiday party pool incident. He had just been a trophy to the other woman, and he had played right into her hands.

"Nancy was right," he said aloud, bitterly. "And I fell for all of it because I was so flattered by Carly's attention."

Again, he prayed that his wife would show up at tomorrow's therapy session. He knew that she was still healing, emotionally and physically, but he hoped that she would use therapy as a means of helping to get it all out.

The idea of Nancy bottling everything up inside made him sad. In the past, they would have talked everything through together and cried together. Now, things were different, and Ned knew that he only had himself to blame.

\--

Nancy pulled into the parking lot of the building that Sol used for their after-work therapy sessions and just sat in the car, still not quite able to bring herself to get out.

For what must have been the fiftieth time that day, she ran her thumb over her naked left ring finger in a nervous gesture. It was still odd not to feel the weight of the bands on her finger, but she had no intention of putting them back on anytime soon.

She stared through the windshield at the office windows, noting that the lights were on inside. Ned must have already arrived, she surmised, considering that it was already ten minutes past their normal start time.

Nancy continued to debate whether she should get out of the car.  _It's not too late to change your mind_ , her inner voice hissed. _Ned doesn't know you're here; you could just turn around and go home.  And get blindingly drunk and cry yourself to sleep again._

At that thought, Nancy rubbed her forehead ruefully. As anticipated, she'd woken up with a bitch of a hangover that morning; only a handful of aspirins and a quart of black coffee had helped to revive her.

Sighing, she clicked the button to unlock her doors and placed her hand on the door handle before removing it.  Did she really want to put herself through all of this again? Rehashing all of the horrible events that had led to the failure of their marriage and the complete personality change of her husband?  Would it even do any good at this point, or would they just be beating the proverbial dead horse?

She leaned back in her seat and drummed her fingers against the steering wheel, thinking hard.

\--

"Ned, if you aren't careful, I'm gonna have to charge you for wearing a hole in the carpet of this borrowed office," Sol told him gravely.

Ned looked up from his pacing to give the therapist a sheepish grin. "Sorry, Sol. I just feel like I'm about to come out of my fucking skin, waiting for Nancy to show."

Sol glanced at his watch for the third time in ten minutes. "Well, if she's not here in another two minutes, we should probably either start without her and have another individual session for you, or cancel altogether."

"Can't we give her until quarter after?" Ned pleaded. "Maybe she got stuck in traffic, or she couldn't get out of the office in time…"

Sol looked at him for a moment before nodding his head in agreement. "Fine. But if she's not here by then—"

"Then I'll have the session on my own. I think it would probably be good for me to take advantage of the extra time to work on my issues.  And I can also use it to talk about what the hell I'm going to do next to convince Nan to work on our marriage." Ned grimly checked his own watch again. 

At exactly fifteen minutes after the hour, Ned looked at the door one last time before heaving a sigh and flinging himself onto the couch.

"I don't think she's coming," he stated dejectedly. "So I guess we'd better start."

Just as Sol began asking Ned about what he wanted to discuss, they heard the door open.

Nancy stood there in her jeans and a gray wool cable-knit turtleneck.  It wasn't a fancy outfit, by any means, but to Ned she looked beautiful.

"Am I too late?" she asked quietly.

Ned rose from his seat on the couch, greeting her with a welcoming smile of relief mixed with gratitude, tears standing in his eyes. "Baby, you're right on time."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

"Welcome, Nancy," Sol told her, the shadow of a grin on his face. "Go on and have a seat." 

Nancy settled onto the couch, deliberately choosing a spot that was as far away from her husband as possible. 

"So, why did you decide to join us in today's session?" the therapist asked. 

"I don't know." She mumbled the fib, nervously tracing her fingertips over and over her denim-clad knee in a circular pattern. 

"Didn't I warn you that this was a no-bullshit zone?" Sol's tone was neutral but she could sense the exasperation simmering beneath his words. 

"You did." She breathed in deeply and exhaled loudly.  "I came because… because despite everything, despite the terrible, awful way he's behaved, I… I still love my husband." Nancy didn't look at Ned as she made her confession but could hear the soft sound of surprise that emerged from his lips. 

"And it fucking kills me to admit it.  But I need to know, once and for all, if I'll ever be able to get past all the ways he fucked up.  Truthfully, at this point, I have no idea if we should still be married. All signs point to no—after all, look at all the ways we hurt each other. Maybe this isn't meant to be anymore."

"Baby," Ned cut in with an anguished plea, "please—"

Sol held up his hand to stop Ned, and he fell silent.

"Honestly, Sol, when I lay out all of the facts, the only logical thing to do is to walk away. Just to start fresh and look back on our relationship as a lesson learned."

"Okay, so if all of the facts are telling you to end it, why are you here?" Sol asked her. "You said that you still loved Ned, but love doesn't always make things right at the end of the day."

Nancy remembered how George had laid out the exact same argument last night, and then she remembered Bess's words.

"Because _this_ is all I know! Ned's a part of me—we've been together since we were kids. Walking away would be like walking away from a piece of myself. And if I just pulled the plug without making one final attempt to resuscitate my marriage, I know that I'd always regret it."

She turned to Ned for the first time since she'd sat down. "I need to be clear; this isn't to say that I won't still want a divorce after we've gone through more sessions," she warned him. "Just because I showed up here tonight doesn't mean that I'm ready to say that we'll get back together for good. I still need time to think, and I definitely think we need to keep living apart."

"I understand," Ned told her quietly. "Just the fact that you even came tonight is a big deal—I know it is, Nan, and I appreciate it. I just wanted a chance to tell you—"

Sol raised his hand again to silence Ned. "No, I still want to talk to Nancy." He adjusted the hem of his black t-shirt, the logo for The Clash emblazoned in now-faded white lettering, before turning back to her. 

"Nancy, I think you're doing the right thing. Like you said, there's no guarantee that counseling will work. It's entirely possible that you'll decide in a few months that you still want out.  Because there's still a lot of hard work that you and Ned will have to do to have any chance of saving this marriage. 

"But just walking away without making every feasible attempt to see if there's something left to salvage? That's the coward's way, and from everything I've heard about the great Nancy Drew, she's no fucking coward."

Nancy managed a smile. "Thanks."

"Let me say this, though," Sol continued. "You can't just pull the divorce card any time things get difficult from here on out. From what Ned's told me, you also threatened him with it during a fight before you agreed to move to California."

Nancy gave Ned a look of surprise. She should have known he'd tell their therapist about that. "Well, if we'd separated for good back then, neither of us would have had to go through the shit that happened over the last six months."

"And maybe you would have been equally as miserable," Sol countered. "What I'm saying is that if you want to continue with therapy, you need to make sure you fucking commit to it.  Bolting out of here anytime you don't like what you hear or threatening not to show won't do anyone any good, least of all yourself.  

"So I need you to promise, right here and right now, that you will show up to all of our sessions for at least the next three months; otherwise, we're just wasting everyone's time. If, after everything, you decide that you still want to end your marriage, that's your right. But you if you're going to make the attempt to try to save it, you need to do it wholeheartedly, not half-assed."

She took a deep breath. "I promise."

Sol turned to Ned. "Ned, I'm gonna ask the same thing of you. Will you promise to be here for every appointment for the next three months?"

Nancy turned her head to see Ned nod his agreement. "Definitely. Nan, I told you before but I'll say it again. I will do absolutely anything I have to in order to make our marriage work again. I love you and I am so happy that you showed up tonight. Thank you so much, baby."

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. 

"Okay, now let's get to work. Nancy, I'm going to keep you on the hot seat for a little while longer, and the first thing I want to talk about is the miscarriage."  

Nancy flinched upon hearing that dreaded word. No matter how many times she or anyone else said it, it felt like a wound opening up deep within her. 

"I am so sorry that you lost the baby," Sol told her simply, compassion radiating from his intelligent brown eyes. "That must have been completely devastating for you."

"Yes," she confirmed softly. 

"And how are you feeling now?"

"Tired, sore—"

"No, that's not what I meant and you know it. Be honest. Tell me how you're really feeling."

Nancy was terrified to say it because she thought that once she started talking, she'd start sobbing and wouldn't be able to stop. 

"I…" She looked down at the chipped polish on her fingernails to try and stall, but found that she just couldn't hold it in any longer. _If you don't let it out in your therapist's office, then how the hell are you going to_ heal _?_ she berated herself angrily. 

"I feel like I'm stuck under a tidal wave and I can't breathe. It's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to go to sleep at night…" She inadvertently let out a sob and Ned instinctively inched closer to her on the couch. 

"Are you eating?" Sol asked. 

Nancy shrugged. "Sometimes. But I don't really have an appetite. I just eat because I know I have to, and even then, I still pick at my food.  If it were up to me, I'd sleep all day. Just curl up in bed and lock out the world," she admitted. "I feel bruised and empty, like a fucking hollow shell."

"Grief can do that to a person. What other emotions are you feeling?"

"Anger." The word popped out instantly. "I'm so fucking angry, Sol."

"Who are you angry with?" he pressed her.

"Who _aren't_ I angry with?" Nancy gave a bitter laugh. "I'm pissed at God—how could He do this?  And I'm fucking pissed at my _husband_."

"Why?" 

"Because he—"

"No—don't tell _me_ , Nancy," Sol corrected her. "Tell Ned."

Nancy needed no further prompting. She turned to face Ned, suddenly furious. "How the fuck could you do this to us? How could you have become a fucking drunk, a coke addict? How could you take the kind, loving, wonderful man that I fell in love with and turn him into a fucking selfish, mean, nasty, drunk coke addict? _How could you_?" Her voice turned into a near-howl but she couldn't stop, the words pouring out in a torrent of fury and pain.

"You were one of the few constants in my life! Your love and your genuine _goodness_ were the things that kept me stable! No matter what, I knew that you loved me, and every day I tried my hardest to be worthy of that love.  You were the person that I relied on most in the world—my best friend, my lover, my ally!  And you took that person away from me!" 

Now she was crying in earnest. "Do you know what it was like to hear from that fucking ER doctor that your addictions could have been the reason why I lost our baby? It was bad enough to have to watch you turn into a stranger and have to mourn the loss of my husband to this person I didn't recognize, but when a doctor came in and told me that your drug and alcohol abuse may have contributed to the death of our child? That the well-being of our baby may have been compromised because of it? God, I fucking _hate_ you for it!"

Ned sat in silence throughout her tirade, tears pouring down his cheeks. "I hate myself for it, too!" he choked out. "I can't believe that I was so fucking reckless and selfish. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am, baby. "

"But I also hate myself." Nancy swiped at her wet face, still crying. "If I hadn't starved myself, then maybe the baby would've been able to survive. I was selfish and stupid, allowing myself to wreck my body over _him_." She angrily jerked her thumb in Ned's general direction. 

"And I feel guilty for that, too," Ned whispered. "If I had paid more attention to you, had told you just how beautiful and sexy I still thought you were—I still think you are—then maybe you wouldn't have felt the need to waste away to nothing. Do you know how much I loathe myself whenever I look at you and realize that I'm the reason you stopped eating?" His voice was thick with tears. 

"Ned, we haven't talked about how you feel about the miscarriage," Sol interjected. "You already said how you feel angry and guilty and selfish about how your actions could have played a role in what happened. But you're probably grieving, too."

_Just like Bess said_ , Nancy recalled.

Ned nodded. "It breaks my heart," he said quietly. "When I first found out she was pregnant, things were so bad between Nancy and I—"

"No—tell Nancy," Sol cut in. 

Nancy watched as Ned moved even closer to her, extending his hand. She waited a beat before taking it, but she couldn't deny the relief she felt as his fingers curled around hers. They hadn't touched in so long and she found that she had missed it. 

"Nan, things were shitty between us when we reconciled and we were both so angry but I knew that I loved you, and I knew that I loved our baby. How could I not—it was something that you and I created together.  We made a _person_ , Nan, someone half you and half me.  And I loved to think about having a son or a daughter with your curiosity and fearlessness, and those gorgeous blue eyes." At that, he gave her a lopsided grin, and it reminded her so fiercely of the teenaged boy she'd fallen for that it almost took her breath away. 

He quickly turned serious again. "But when we found out that the baby didn't make it? It was like someone had punched me in the fucking gut. Knowing that my disgusting actions resulted in the loss of our child?  I can't stand to look at myself.

"And you didn't deserve the horrible things I did to you and to our marriage, Nan. You didn't deserve any of it. Every day, I ask God how He could do that, how He could do that to _you._   Because however badly I feel, _you're_ the one who carried that baby."

Her throat closed as she remembered what it had been like to feel that little life growing inside of her—and how she felt now, without it.  

"It was ours," she whispered. "Even though I had the baby in my body, it was just as much yours as it was mine, Ned." It was the first time she had ever admitted it. "We're both going through this loss."

His fingers tightened around hers. "Baby, I'm so sorry," he told her, his brown eyes shining with tears.  "I'm sorry you had to go through this, and I hate that you're doing it alone.  Just like I told you in my letter, all I've wanted to do since the night it happened was pull you into my arms and never let go. To hold you and rock you and kiss you and tell you how sorry I am."

Nancy sniffled.  "I'm sorry too, Ned. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, too." She squeezed his hand back. 

 "Nan?" Ned asked tentatively. "Can I… can I put my arms around you now?"

She hesitated, deliberating his request, but the thought of him holding her again was so wonderful that she couldn't deprive herself of it. "Okay."

Ned slid closer and gently slipped his arms around her; instinctively, automatically, Nancy put hers around his shoulders and inhaled the familiar scent of his cologne and natural musk as she rested her head on his shoulder.  They sat like that for a while, both crying as they held each other. 

Ned pulled back and both he and Nancy just stared at each other for a long moment.  When he leaned in as if he intended to kiss her, Nancy hesitated before leaning in to have her lips meet his in a chaste kiss.  One of his hands came up to cup her face and his thumb gently stroked her cheek. 

Sol discreetly cleared his throat, and both Nancy and Ned swiveled their heads back to face him. Truthfully, she had even forgotten their therapist was there, and she suspected that Ned had done the same.

"That was great," he told them solemnly. "For the first time since you've been coming here, you've each shared your feelings without screaming or calling each other names. You've acknowledged each other's pain and didn't use it against each other. And you even engaged in a moment of true intimacy, without ripping each others' clothes off."

Sol's icebreaker worked; both she and Ned laughed. "Score one for us," Ned joked. 

"So let's talk a little bit more about your current living arrangements. I agree with Nancy about keeping things the way they are now."

"But how can we work on things if we're living apart?" Ned protested. "If we're in the same house, we have all that extra time to talk about things and learn how to be a couple again."

"I don't think you're ready for that, Ned," Sol told him, and Nancy was glad that Ned's argument hadn't swayed the therapist. "These therapy sessions will help you with the issues that led your marriage to its current state, and will provide you with the tools you'll need in order to positively interact with each other.  

"If you move back into the house now, I'm concerned that you'll have a disagreement about some normal, everyday thing, and it'll devolve into one of your name-calling, epithet-hurling screaming matches.  Which will then lead to the two of you having sex.  My job is to help you learn how to treat each other again—and to use sex to build _intimacy_ , not as a cure-all for your problems."

Ned had a look of disappointment on his face, but he didn't try to dissuade Sol. "Okay. But I can I say that I miss living with Nancy? That I miss waking up to her gorgeous face and hearing her laugh and lazing on the couch with her while we watch TV?"

"You may." Sol gravely nodded his consent, but Nancy could see his lips quirk up in a half smile. 

Ned's words warmed her, but Nancy could still remember what things had been like when they had lived in California. Back then, Ned had often been gone long before she'd wake up and had gone to bed well after she'd fallen asleep. She hadn't had much reason to laugh, and they'd virtually never lounged on the couch together. 

"It's nice to hear, but I'm still not ready to live with you again," she told her husband. 

"I know—but I miss you, baby. I just wanted you to know that," Ned replied quietly.  "I miss you so much."

\--

Ned was glad when the clock on his computer screen ticked over to five-thirty, signaling that he could pack up his things and leave the office for the day.  He had been grateful that the insurance agency had rehired him after all of this time, and that he now had a means of both earning some money and keeping himself occupied during the day, but the job was far from challenging.  

The high point of his day had been dealing with an elderly customer who'd wanted to know if her missing cameo brooch was covered by her homeowner's policy. He'd initially been suspicious that it was a case of insurance fraud—being involved with a detective for all of these years could do that to a guy—but was quickly able to rule out that possibility. 

 The woman was immensely relieved to find out that her policy did cover the loss, and she'd been incredibly grateful to Ned, offering to make him a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies. He'd found it sweet, but it was slightly depressing to realize that he was doing the exact same type of work he'd done as a college student. 

On impulse, he'd picked up his phone and called Chris Conners, a guy he'd worked with in the Chicago office at the ad agency for a few years before Chris had taken a position at another company.  Maybe he would know of some other people in the advertising field who were ready to go out on their own and start up a new agency; hell, maybe even Chris himself was ready to try something new.   

Ned had remembered Chris to be incredibly smart and hard-working, with the particular talent of being able to schmooze present clients and potential clients without being smarmy about it. He was genuinely a good guy, and had also been devoted to his wife and young child. 

Disappointed when he got Chris's voicemail, Ned had left a message anyway, and then had tried to focus on his next task, an auto insurance claim for what essentially appeared on the police reports to be a fender bender. 

Now, after gathering up his things, he nodded goodbyes to the other stragglers before walking out of the building and making his way through the parking lot to his car.  He unlocked it and tossed his messenger bag into the backseat before starting the car and cranking up the heat. For just a moment, Ned wished he was back in California, where it was likely a balmy seventy-two degrees today. 

On the drive back to his apartment, he stopped at his favorite burger place to pick up dinner. He wasn't looking forward to eating it alone in his empty apartment, but he had a feeling that Nancy would turn him down if he asked her to join him. He'd texted her a few times since their last therapy session four days earlier but she'd only sent terse messages in response.

_At least she responded_ , he'd reminded himself, trying not to be disappointed. 

Ned had also thought about calling Mike over the weekend, but he'd stopped himself each time he'd picked up his cell phone.  It would have been nice to get together, maybe watch a game or hang out, but then Ned would've had to explain why he and Nancy were living apart, and he didn't really think he was ready for that. 

Another reason he'd been hesitant about calling his friend was because he didn't want to have to get into why he wasn't interested in drinking anymore. Whether they went out to a sports bar or stayed at Mike's place, Ned imagined that Mike would have a beer or two at some point, just like they used to do all of the time.  Frankly, Ned didn't think he would be able to handle that type of temptation yet, and there was no way he wanted to have to confess to drinking during his next therapy session with Nancy. 

When he got to his building, Ned keyed his way inside his apartment and immediately kicked off his shoes.  He quickly changed from his suit into sweats and settled down in front of his TV with the bag of food he'd brought home. He'd just unwrapped his double burger with Swiss cheese and grilled portobello mushrooms and onions and was about to take a bite when his cell phone rang. Startled, Ned put down his burger and checked his phone, praying it was Nancy. 

Instead, it was Chris. "Hey, so the rumors are true—the big man is back from Cali!" his voice boomed once Ned answered. 

"Sure am," Ned replied lightly. 

"Dude, I can't believe that you gave up such a sweet job to come back here. Last I heard, you were working on big accounts and were on track to really become a big shot! That German car campaign you handled—impressive."

"Thanks, man.  I got some great experience and some invaluable exposure on how to run large-scale campaigns. But it turns out I missed Chicago; can you believe it? So, how've you been? Keeping out of trouble?"

They made small talk for a few minutes, the other man gushing about his now-school-aged son and new baby girl. Ned felt a stab of pain when thinking about how _he_ could have been expecting his own little girl in a few months, had things been different. 

After making the appropriate noises of interest, Ned cleared his throat and got down to what he'd really called Chris about in the first place.  "So, are you happy with the place where you're working?"

"Why, are you looking for a job? I'm sure they'd hire you immediately, especially with that impressive portfolio you built up in L.A."

"No, I was just curious," Ned replied neutrally. "Do you like it there?"

"It's all right.  The money's good and the people are cool but the economy's been kind of tough, and frankly, I don't think our senior execs are aggressive enough when it comes to going after new business, either from new or existing clients."

That was just the opening that Ned had been looking for.  "So, have you ever thought about maybe going out on your own?"

Chris made a sound of surprise. "What are you asking me, man?"

"I've been sort of tossing around the idea of maybe starting up a new agency. I haven't made any moves or anything," Ned added hastily, "just kind of testing the waters right now. Trying to see if I can find some other people who might be interested in going out on their own, too."

"Who else have you called?" 

Ned felt encouraged by the curiosity in Chris's tone. "No one else, yet; you're the first."

"Wow.  Like I said, I think that the senior execs at my current agency are far too passive—if I were in charge, I'd have made entirely different decisions about a lot of things.  But…"

"What?" Ned prompted him. 

"Forming a new agency comes with a lot of risk, man.  First and foremost, you'd need to raise capital to even get it off the ground. It would also take a lot of long hours, and you'd have to find a way to attract clients away from their current agencies. Plus, even in a good economy, the failure rate for new businesses is high."

Ned felt momentarily defeated but pressed on. "I hear you, Conners, but if there are a bunch of us with a lot of good experience and knowledge about the industry, we might be able to make a serious go of it."

"True, but right now I've got seniority, four weeks of vacation, good benefits, a 401-k… I have to think about providing for my family and our future."

"Look, I totally understand that there's a lot to consider, and I'm not looking for a commitment right now.  But if this thing gets going and there are the right people involved, we could all stand to make a lot of money in a few years, and we'd be the ones calling all of the shots."

"We'd be the bosses, and if we pulled in a few big accounts during the first two years, we'd probably bring in the big bucks," Chris mused, and Ned could tell that his old colleague was intrigued. 

"Exactly. And like I said, I'm not looking for a definitive answer right now. Just think it over and get back to me?"

"Sure," Chris agreed. 

"One more thing. Can you think of anyone else who might be interested in this?"

"Maybe... Want me to get you their names?"

"That would be great—again, this is just a fact-finding mission right now. I'm not even sure that anything'll happen, but I'm just exploring all of my options.  I'm also going to put out feelers to some other people I've worked with, see if they would want to get in on the ground floor."

"So, how many partners would we potentially have?"

Ned grinned upon hearing Chris use the word _we_ again _._ "Maybe five, at the most? Of course, we'd also need junior staff to work under us, but I wouldn't want too many people at the top because we'd ultimately want to control all of the big decisions."

"Agreed. Hey, have you thought about maybe asking Daniella Maroni?" Ned remembered her from when she had worked with them years earlier, and remembered her as being sharp as a tack and incredibly detail-oriented. "She was in New York but came back because her husband got a job offer in Chicago. Right now, she's at Wilson/Wyatt, but I heard that she only took the position because she needed somewhere to go."

Ned grabbed a pen and hastily scribbled down Daniella's name.  _Maybe this thing could get off of the ground after all_ , he thought excitedly. 

"Do you have her contact information, by any chance?"

\--

Nancy was fifteen minutes early to their therapy session on Thursday, and tried to tell herself that it wasn't because she had been looking forward to seeing Ned after spending another week apart. 

Yesterday, she'd come home from work at around eight only to have her doorbell ring five minutes later. On the porch, she'd found her neighbor from across the street, beaming as she held out a glass vase of lilies, tulips, and roses—a bouquet identical to the one that Ned had sent her before last week's therapy session. 

"You lucky girl," the woman told Nancy. "Flowers from that cute hubby of yours?"

Nancy managed a weak smile. "I think so, yes!"

After a few minutes of small talk, her neighbor finally went back to her own house, and Nancy gave a sigh of relief as she closed the front door.  At first, she wasn't going to open the business-sized envelope attached to the vase, but her curiosity got the best of her. 

_My darling Nancy,_

_I've been thinking about you non-stop and I miss you terribly. Everything seems to remind me of you. The songs on my iPod are ones that we danced to, or made love to.  The movies on TV are ones that we watched together, you cuddled in my arms as we kissed. The restaurants I drive by are ones where we ate together, holding hands across the table as we shared forkfuls of our meals. The apartment complex where I'm now living is where we first lived as husband and wife, and every corner of the place reminds me of what it was like when we were newlyweds. We were so happy then, weren't we?_

_This morning, I opened my drawer and saw the chess piece cufflinks you bought me all of those years ago for our anniversary, and they reminded me of how you had been so sweet and shy, but so curious, about our physical relationship. Do you know how much I treasured those times when we could be alone and you would let me express my love for you with my body? Being close to you like that made me nearly drunk with desire, sweetheart, and I felt so incredibly lucky that you would allow me to touch you and kiss you. And when we made love for the first time on our wedding night—Nancy, that's when I felt the luckiest of all. To be able to share something as intimate and beautiful like that with you, my new bride, for the very first time was such a gift, my love._

_Last night, I was looking through some pictures on my computer and found some from our honeymoon in Italy. Do you remember how much fun we had, exploring the countryside, and then coming back to our rented house to explore each other?_

_Then I found some photos from my senior prom, others from the first time you came to the lake house with my parents and me, still more from various Omega Chi parties we attended together. You were so beautiful back then, but you're even more beautiful to me now. I need you to know that, sweetheart. I feel like I need to keep telling you for all of the times I_ **_didn't_ ** _say it over the past year. You are beautiful and I love you so much._

_I can't wait to see you again tomorrow—even though it's incredibly difficult to go through our therapy sessions, they're still the bright spot of my week because I get to see you. Please say that you'll go out to dinner with me or to the movies or bowling.  We can go anywhere you want. All I care about is spending time with you. I miss you so much, Nan._

_Love always and forever,_

_Ned_

As much as she'd hated to admit it, Nancy had been touched by the letter; she'd read it and re-read it over and over again last night and then again this morning before she'd left for work. She had almost put in her purse to take with her to the office, but had stopped herself.

Leaning against the door jamb, Nancy began checking her phone for email while she waited for Ned or Sol to show.  She was so engrossed in her task that Ned's approach a few minutes later startled her. 

"Sorry, Nan," he apologized quickly. He leaned in to kiss her, and Nancy didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed when his lips brushed her cheek instead of her mouth. He looked so handsome today, his coat open to show his dark green sweater and jeans, and just like they used to be, her senses were on heightened alert from the mere presence of him. 

"So, how are you?" Ned asked after a few awkward moments of silence.  "How've you been this week?"

"Good," Nancy shrugged. "By the way, thanks for the flowers. They were beautiful." 

Ned beamed at her. "I'm so glad you liked them." When she didn't elaborate any further, he cleared his throat. "Your face looks like it's healing nicely."

She tried to determine if there was an undercurrent of sarcasm or accusation in his tone; when she didn't sense one, she gave him a smile. "Yes, and the rest of me is healing pretty well, too." 

Almost as clearly as if he had spoken the words aloud, Nancy could tell that Ned was thinking about how in the past, he would have teasingly asked her if he could inspect her body to be certain about her healing, and offered to kiss it and make it better. 

She looked into his eyes and wondered if the same sad expression was in hers, too. Things were so different between them now, tense and awkward and just plain weird. 

Luckily, Sol showed up just at that moment, saving her from having to say anything. 

\--

Once they settled into their usual positions on the sofa, Sol began to speak. 

"So, I thought that it would be a good idea for us to make this one a working session." When Nancy and Ned gave him matching looks of puzzlement, Sol grinned at them. "I have a little assignment for the both of you to complete tonight, and then we're going to talk about it."

"Okay," Ned shrugged.

"Sure," Nancy said, still confused. 

The therapist reached into his worn and battered black leather messenger bag, pulling out two legal-sized pads and two pens, leaning over to hand them to Nancy and Ned. 

"I would like each of you to make a list, and I want you to take your time doing so. Think long and hard about this, because it's important. With me so far?"

They both nodded. "Great. Because the list is going to be the five things you'd like to change about your spouse."

Ned was the first to speak. "Change?"

"Yes. The five things that you wish could be different about Nancy, and the five things that she wishes could be different about you. And when you've made your list, rank the items in order from least bothersome to most irritating. No rushing, either. I want you to take as much time as you need.  We definitely won't have enough time to discuss all of the items on your lists in depth tonight, but they'll act as a road map for future sessions.

"What I don't want is for either of you to hold back for fear of offending each other, because covering up or holding out on your feelings would just be a waste of our time—and you know how I feel about wasting our time."

Nancy and Ned both chuckled. "When should we start?" she asked. 

Sol leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Now."

For the first two full minutes, Nancy just stared down at her blank pad, aware of the sound of Ned's pen scratching against his paper.  _Interesting how he's having no trouble putting together his list_ , her inner voice whispered bitterly.  Gathering her thoughts, she began to write. 

When she put down her pen approximately ten minutes later, Nancy looked up to find that Ned had already finished his list.

"Great. Hand back the pens and show me your lists?"

She and Ned complied with his request and were both surprised when Sol began to grin as he read what they'd written. He passed the pieces of paper back to them and sat back in his chair.  "So, who wants to go first?"  

Nancy and Ned looked at each other, shrugging, before Ned offered. "I'll go." 

"Works for me. Read it aloud, Ned. And remember, start from the bottom. "

Nancy watched her husband take a deep breath before looking down at his paper. "Okay. I hate it when you—"

"No," Sol corrected him firmly. "Not like that. Say it like this: ‘Nancy, what I wish I could change about you is…' Got it?"

Ned nodded and started again. "Nancy, what I wish I could change about you is your unwillingness to share your feelings."

She blinked, surprised that Ned had included that on his list. 

Sol hadn't missed her reaction. "Nancy, you look surprised by that. Ned, can you elaborate, maybe give us an example? I'll ask the both of you to do that as we go through this exercise."

"She holds stuff in. She won't tell me what she's feeling or thinking. Then she blows up. Like when I was offered the job in California. Instead of telling me that she wasn't happy about it or that she was scared it would ruin our marriage, Nancy just kept her mouth shut.  I mean, I guessed that she wouldn't be thrilled about it, but she should have talked to me about her fears."

"Ned, I didn't want to be the one responsible for holding you back from a great opportunity!" she burst out, glaring at her husband.  "If I had told you not to take the job, you would have been pissed!"

Sol held up his hand, signaling for her to stop talking. "No. Ned gets to talk, you have to listen—and then we reverse it."

She sat back, irritated, her arms folded over her breasts, but remained silent. 

Ned continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Yeah—it just bothers me when you won't share what you're feeling, Nan. I hate having to guess."

"What's next on the list?"

"Um... Nancy, I wish that I could change your incessant need to rely on your dad." 

At that, Nancy sat up straighter. "What?" She couldn't believe he was saying that to her. 

"Nancy," Sol interjected warningly. 

"Sorry," she muttered. 

"Nan, I like your dad very much, really. I couldn't have asked for a better father-in-law: he's always been supportive of our relationship, he's always treated me with respect… 

"And I get that you and he are close. I mean, he's your only parent, you're an only child… But…"

"Go on," the therapist prompted him after Ned paused. 

"Sometimes, Nan, I feel like he's a third person in our marriage. You constantly seek his approval and advice—which, again, I understand. I go to my parents with stuff, too. But sometimes it feels like you put him above me, above _us_. 

"For example, when we had our screaming match that night I… I went to the W with Carly…" He swallowed audibly, as if it hurt to say the words. "You literally stood there and told me that you were going to tattle to your daddy about how I had been treating you so he could kick my ass. You're a grown woman, honey, not a little girl who needs her daddy to bail her out."

His tone wasn't accusatory, by any means, but Nancy pressed her lips together to avoid the overwhelming temptation to let out the smart remark that was just on the tip of her tongue. 

"What's next, Ned?"

He looked down at his piece of paper. "Nancy, what I wish I could change about you is the way you take the worst stuff about me and use it against me when we fight.  There was… there was something that I had confessed to you in a moment of weakness. I'd never told a living soul and hadn't wanted to ever talk about it, but I finally did, because you're my wife and I trusted you."

Her heart ached and her face flushed with shame as she realized what he was talking about—the butt plug incident at the frat house, and the way she'd thrown it in his face during one of their fights in California. 

"Well, after I finally felt safe about confiding this thing to you, this thing that made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed, you… you threw it in my face during an argument just so you could hurt me. And it worked."

"I'm sorry," she murmured, only this time it wasn't a defensive remark. "Ned, I'm really sorry." He looked up and they both stared at each other for a full minute. 

"Two more to go, Ned," Sol reminded him. 

Ned finally tore his gaze from hers and referred back to his list again. "Nancy, what I wish I could change about you is the way you prioritize things. I talked about how I sometimes feel like your dad is more important to you than I am, but it's more than that. I feel like your job and your needs and wants take priority over my needs and wants, and that it's been that way since we started dating. 

"I've said this before, but I think I need to say it again. The main reason I took the job in L.A., and a big part of why I liked it so much, was because I was tired of taking the back burner. I didn't want to feel like ‘Mr. Nancy Drew.' I'm an equal partner in this relationship, and I wanted to feel like one."

Nancy suddenly remembered how he'd accused her of being jealous of the praise and attention being heaped upon him at the museum gala.  Had he been right? Had she been so resentful of attending his work functions because she wasn't the one in the spotlight, for once?

"And speaking of your job…" Nancy braced herself for what she knew he was about to say. "It really bugs me when you disregard your own personal safety to do it. And when I ask you to be more careful or to avoid putting yourself into dangerous situations, you just blow me off and accuse me of being overprotective. It's like what I say doesn't matter; you don't care about anything except your fucking cases. Everything else is the priority, and I'm an afterthought."  

She remained silent, clenching and unclenching handfuls of her short wool skirt just so she'd avoid the temptation to jump up and start arguing with Ned. 

"Okay, Ned, last one before we switch to Nancy."

"Nancy, what I wish I could change about you is your stubbornness." She suddenly realized why Sol had laughed as he'd read their lists, but kept silent. "You never want to admit that you could be wrong and you don't want to give in, because you think it makes you seem weak. And you hate feeling weak or powerless. I think that's also the reason you don't like to admit your feelings, to tell the truth. But sometimes, baby, being willing to bend and compromise makes you strong."

She and Ned looked at each other, neither one speaking. 

"Okay, Ned, are we good? Time for Nancy's turn?" When her husband nodded, Sol turned to Nancy. "You're up."

Nancy took a deep breath. "Ned, what I wish I could change about you is the way you take the things that I hate most about myself, the things you know upset me, and attack me with them. Like when…" She felt herself start to cry, remembering, but kept going. "Like when we had that fight the night you went to the W and you told me I wasn't going to be a very good mother because I'd grown up without one."

"Baby," Ned said, stricken. "Baby, I am so fucking sorry—"

"No—Ned, you got to talk without interruptions, and now Nancy should have the same courtesy. Go on, Nancy."

"That hurt me more than anything anyone's ever said to me," she whispered, her voice wobbling. "And the thing that hurt the worst of all?  Was that the words were coming from the man who was supposed to have loved me more than anyone in the world—and if _he_ thought those things about me, that meant they had to be true, right?

"But I'm no better," she chuckled bitterly. "After all, I did the same fucking thing to you—you just said it."

"What's next, Nancy?" Sol asked. 

"Ned, what I wish I could change about you is the way you rehash the same stuff that we've fought about over and over and over. I mean, we'll fight over taking out the trash, and you'll somehow find a way to rake me over the coals over the fact that I kissed a few other guys while were dating. 

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm sorry about Mick and Sasha and Sam and Daryl and the others? All of that happened years and years and years ago, and I've never thought about them since—but apparently _you_ have!

"For years, you've always acted like the superior one because you'd stayed faithful while I'd strayed. Although, I think the tables are turned now," she stated sardonically.

Ned looked like he was about to argue, but closed his mouth when Sol gave him a warning look. "What's next on the list, Nancy?"

"Ned, what I wish I could change about you is your interest in porn, and in threesomes. It really, really bothers me when you look at pictures or videos of other women naked or having sex. I've told you this several times, but you just keep doing it anyway. 

"Maybe I'm naïve, but I feel like the only woman you should want to see like that is me. It's the reason why I let you… make that tape of us—so you'd want to watch me instead of some stranger." She was slightly embarrassed by telling their therapist that they'd made a sex tape, but Sol's face remained impassive. 

"And the threesome thing… Ned, I hate feeling like I'm not enough for you, sexually."

"It was never about that, baby!" he protested. "I swear it!"

"Ned," Sol chimed in warningly. 

"I just can't help but think that if you were truly satisfied, you wouldn't have kept looking at dirty pictures and asking for another woman to join us in bed, and that you wouldn't have gone to a hotel with another woman." She was trying so hard not to start crying again, but it wasn't easy. "You wouldn't have been so attracted to Carly, wouldn't have felt such strong desire for her, if you still desired me."

" _No_. Sol, I know I'm not supposed to talk now," Ned told the therapist, who had held up his hand, "but I can't let Nancy think that she was lacking when it came to our sex life!" 

He turned to Nancy, desperation in his eyes. "I never stopped desiring you, sweetheart! I was a total fucking asshole for letting myself get sucked into Carly's game, and I hate that I made you feel like you weren't beautiful or sexy. Please believe me, gorgeous."

When Ned finished speaking, Sol turned to Nancy. "Were you finished, or did you have more to say on that topic?" She shook her head and Sol signaled for her to continue. 

"Ned, what I wish I could change about you is the way you equate money and material possessions with love and success."

"I _don't_ —"

"Nancy is talking now," Sol reminded him firmly, and Ned closed his mouth. The expression his face showed that he was pissed, though, Nancy noticed.

"Ever since we first started dating, you've bought me all kinds of presents, and I found it sweet. And then we got to California, and you became fucking obsessed with buying expensive shit so you could show off your big salary. 

"You were equating monetary worth with your worth as a person, and it broke my heart. Because I loved you when you drove a beat-up car and had to save up to take me to your senior prom, and I loved you when we lived in a tiny little apartment with shitty furniture after we were married.  You were a wonderful guy with a kind heart, regardless of how much money you had or didn't have."

"Last one, Nancy?"

"Ned, what I wish I could change about you is your stubbornness." At that, Ned started to chuckle. "The same things you said about me apply to you as well, Nickerson. You like to be right, and you sometimes refuse to even consider another point of view.  

"Like what you said about my job, for example. Since we've been teenagers, you've been arguing with me about the danger involved with my job; you just don't want to hear anything I have to say about it. And every time I get hurt, which comes with the territory, you flip the fuck out about it."

Ned looked like he was about to jump in again, but Nancy was prepared for him. "I know that you're going to say that you worry about me, and that you do it because you love me, but Ned… if you don't know me well enough by now to know that I love what I do and I have no intention of changing careers, I don't know what to say anymore." She looked at her husband, whose mouth had formed into a grimace. 

"So, you've each given me five things that we'll need to work on together. This was a good session. I know that it was hard for each of you to stay silent while the other person was speaking," Sol smirked at them, "but you did a pretty good job, all things considered. There wasn't any name-calling and there weren't any insults hurled; you each spoke honestly about your feelings.

"I have to say that I find it encouraging that so many of your answers were so closely aligned," he continued. "It means that you may not be as far apart as you think you are, and that you're looking for the same things in each other." 

"And we both think that our spouse is stubborn," Ned interjected, a trace of humor in his voice, and it made Nancy smile. 

Sol laughed. "Well, after getting to know the both of you, I have to say that I concur.  But we can work through that.

"So, why don't we use our next session to talk about some of the things that you've been stubborn about, and the ways that you fight about them, especially since you both mentioned your fighting techniques on your lists?  Then, each week, we'll pick a different item off the lists and cover it. Sound good?"

They both nodded, and Nancy noticed that Ned had inched slightly closer to her on the couch. 

"Sol, is this a good time to say that I also made a list of the things I love best about Nancy? The things that I'd never, ever change about her?"

Surprised, Nancy turned to Ned. So that was why he had spent so much time writing, she realized. 

Sol also looked surprised, but he recovered quickly. "I think so—Nancy? Did you want to hear it?" She nodded. 

"Okay." Ned cleared his throat. "In no particular order… Nancy, what I would never, ever change about you is your unbending sense of justice and fairness. Your compassion. Your generosity. Your goodness—Nan, you're so damn _good_."

Overwhelmed by his kind words, she was unable to speak for a moment. Nancy impatiently brushed at the tears she was startled to feel gathering in her eyes. 

"Thank you," she whispered. 

"And no matter what I've said here tonight, in spite of it, I still love you and I always will. Nan, I'd much rather have messy and imperfect and difficult with you than perfect and easy and boring with someone else."

She gave him a crooked smile as she heard Sol chuckle. 

"Well, if I do my job well, then it'll be a lot less messy and difficult. I can't make any guarantees about the imperfect part, though."

"Perfection _is_ boring," Nancy joked, and Ned reached out to take her hand and squeeze it lightly. 

"And you, my love, are anything but boring," he teased back. 

"Same to you, Ned." Nancy squeezed his hand in response and was rewarded with a genuine smile from him.  

It wasn't much, she thought, but it was a start. He hadn't pulled away, and it felt natural to sit there holding hands.   For the first time in a long time, she felt something like… hope. 

\-- 

The sound of his alarm buzzing woke Ned from a deep sleep the next morning. Disappointed, he shut it off and slowly sat up. 

He'd been having a dream about Nancy, one where they'd been attending an Emerson football game some time after his graduation and had been cuddled up together under a blanket, enjoying paper cups of hot chocolate between kisses. She'd been wearing an oversized purple Wildcats sweatshirt under her coat, her cheeks flushed from the cold and her blue eyes bright with laughter. 

The memory had been so sweet that the sight of the empty bed next to him instantly made him sad. He automatically reached for the cell phone resting on his nightstand and sent Nancy a text. 

_Good morning gorgeous. I miss u._

He held the phone in his hand, just waiting for her to respond. Just when he'd given up hope, it vibrated. 

_Morning._

Not the warmest or friendliest message she'd ever sent him, but it was something, he thought optimistically. 

Feeling bold, he began to compose a response. _It was so nice to see u yest_. _Do u have plans tonite?_

He'd been dreading the idea of having to come back to an empty apartment on a Friday night and prayed that she'd somehow agree to see him. He stared at the screen of his phone, barely breathing. 

_No plans._

_Great. Will you meet me at our bench by the river at 6?_ He typed back. 

His heart began pounding as he anticipated Nancy's response; it sank when he read the text she sent a few minutes later. 

  _I don't think that's a good idea, Ned._

He had had a feeling that would be her answer, but Ned refused to give up. _Please, baby. I need to see u – I miss u._

Ned glanced at the clock, realizing that he would have to rush in order to make it to work on time. He got out of bed and padded in his bare feet to his bathroom, trying to resist the impulse to check his phone for her answer. 

After he'd taken a quick shower and picked up his razor to shave, he heard his phone buzz and snatched it up off of the edge of the sink. 

_Not sure - let me think about it._

Disappointed that he couldn't get a definitive commitment from her, Ned decided not to press. _I understand. Tell u what – I'll b there, no matter what. If you want 2 b there, please just show up._

He had just finished shaving half of his face when his phone went off again. _Ok._

_Hope 2 see u later. Love u Nan. Have a good day._

_U too_ , came her reply.

Ned had no idea how he was going to be able to focus at all at work today. Six tonight was a long way off.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

Nancy put her phone down after sending her reply to Ned about seeing him, her stomach churning with anxiety at the thought of possibly seeing him that night. She took a deep breath, then focused on her reflection, reaching for the concealer. Bess and George had joked with her several times that she should just invest in bulk cases of concealer. Ned hadn't been nearly so sanguine about it; his jaw had always tightened whenever he saw her wounded, bruised, hurt.

Lately, though, she hadn't just been using it to cover her wounds. She dabbed the beige liquid just under her eyes, then gently brushed her fingertip over it to blend it in. The purple half-moons of exhaustion under her eyes left her looking almost bruised.

Going to sleep the night before had taken a very long time. She had opened her eyes that morning without remembering what she had dreamed, only that it had left her feeling anxious and sad. Her body felt heavy, and so sluggish. Even the prospect of going to work, which had always made her happy and given her at least some small thrill before, wasn't enough to bring her energy back up.

She felt lost, and even though she had vowed to Sol that she would definitely commit to the next few months of therapy sessions, her future with Ned was still up in the air, and she couldn't pin her hopes on their ever truly reconciling. At least when they were in a room with Sol, they had a witness, and their behavior was still at least partially tempered by his presence. When they were alone together...

She didn't want to be alone with Ned. The baggage of their life together and everything it had become seemed to swell and press between them, and every now and then she gave in to the luxury of her grief, wishing that somehow she could go back, take back every choice that had led them here.

But neither of them ever could.

Nancy took a deep breath as she pulled her powder compact out of her makeup kit. She remembered when just the fact that it was Friday could make her happy. While they had been in California, though, Friday, Saturday, Sunday had been more days that Ned would be working, and she would be alone. Now she didn't even have the prospect of possibly spending time with him to distract her, and business at her agency was steady, but she couldn't count on it to distract her over the weekend.

While she loved Bess and George, loved Hannah and her father, and all the friends she—and Ned—had made in Chicago and the surrounding area, sometimes she couldn't even bear to pick up the phone when one of them called. Forming the bright lies was beyond her capacity. When they asked how she was, she couldn't fight the feeling that they didn't truly want to know. They wouldn't know what to say if she could somehow bring herself to admit that the man she loved, she didn't think she could ever trust again; the baby whose existence had managed to bring them temporarily back together was gone, and the loss was momentous and didn't feel like it would ever stop hurting.

And now Ned wanted to see her.

She remembered with some sadness than when she was sixteen, even a year ago, the prospect of seeing him would have delighted her. Now, though, she was only sure that seeing him would hurt her. Seeing him, talking to him, and realizing again how much had changed...

She didn't want to go. She didn't want to see him alone. Not yet.

But it felt inconceivably evil to just stand him up, even though he hadn't insisted or demanded that she show up. She wished that she had lied and told him she had other plans.

The problem kept bugging her, until inspiration struck at lunchtime, while she was sipping her third coffee of the day, hoping it would perk her up. She pulled out her cell phone.

_Busy tonight?_ she texted George and Bess.

_Have 2 run errand aft work but not rly,_ George replied a few minutes later. _What's up?_

_I can be unbusy for u :)_ , Bess replied.

Nancy smiled as she composed a message back. _I need a favor._

That afternoon she went out to do surveillance for another job, winding her way carefully into the suburbs of Chicago. The morning had been clear, but the sky had steadily grown more dull, and now huge fluffy snowflakes were falling, swooping directly at her windshield. She leaned forward to see better, then wondered if the weather would make Ned text her and call their meeting off.

She couldn't make herself hope for it, or he wouldn't. That was the way things always worked.

Once she made it out to the neighborhood, she drove carefully down the streets. The cookie-cutter homes lining the perfectly straight roads had been just the thing for young professionals and their wives, maybe fifty years earlier. Now they looked old, sad and faded. Rusted toys and flimsy basketball hoops tilted at the edges of lawns and driveways, partially obscured by the falling snow.

She kept an eye out for any for-sale signs, especially those with an unobscured sightline to the target house. A young woman who had been involved in a relatively minor car accident was being sued by the other driver for an exorbitant amount of money, and her parents had decided to strike preemptively and hire the firm to get photographic proof that the other driver was lying about the extent of her injuries, before the insurance company even got involved.

Out of curiosity, Nancy had checked to see which company was representing each of the parties, but Ned's current employer wasn't involved. She had been wondering if he had somehow sent the work to her agency, but he hadn't had a say in it.

That made her think about him again. She unconsciously rubbed her bare left ring finger, frowning as she put it out of her mind. She had a job to do, and her job didn't involve wondering what her husband was doing, or torturing herself trying to figure out what their meeting might mean.

When she couldn't find a house for sale with a good vantage point, she sighed and scoped out a good location for a surveillance vehicle. The agency kept a number of decoy vans for the purpose, but they were a hassle. In a residential neighborhood, an unfamiliar car might garner the wrong kind of attention. Nancy had been in some neighborhoods where even the brief amount of surveillance she was doing now felt like it was too much. The slight twitch of window curtains, the suspicious glances of homeowners as they pretended to check their mail.

Then Nancy drove by the target house again, making a note of the make and model of every vehicle and corresponding license plate numbers. The car that had been totaled in the accident wasn't out front; it was a twenty-year-old green sedan that had been on its last legs anyway, according to her information.

Once she had finished with that, Nancy made her way back to the office. After the second wreck scene she passed, she drove a little more cautiously. Walking into her building, into the warmth and out of the driving wind, made Nancy sigh with relief as she unwound her powder-blue scarf and slipped out of her brown suede gloves. She left her coat on, though. Even with the heat cranked on full-blast and the space heater under her desk turned on, she feared it would take her more than a few minutes to warm up again.

Thirty minutes later, Bess had just texted Nancy with a suggestion when her direct supervisor poked his head into her office. "Hey, Drew. I'm waiting on Nicola to get back to me, but you free tonight?"

Nancy paled a little. She had been psyching herself up, dreading tonight so much, but she was shocked to realize that she was reluctant to take an assignment and stand Ned up, even if she had a good reason to do so. "Uh," she began, weighing her options.

"Hey, Jack!"

Her boss looked down at the phone on his hip. "Oooh, he's calling. I can still throw it your way, though? You snooze, you lose."

"No, it's okay," Nancy said, shaking her head as she smiled. It wasn't entirely feigned. "Nicola can take it. Thanks, though."

He shrugged and walked away, and Nancy's stomach flipped as she glanced down at her cell phone. She felt a pang of shame and embarrassment. Sol had said they needed to be honest with each other. Why couldn't she?

Because even after everything, she realized, she didn't want to disappoint him or hurt his feelings. Even though a part of her fully believed that he deserved it, she didn't want to make him upset. He was trying. The flowers...

_They're flowers_ , she told herself. _He goes to a florist and puts three seconds of thought into it and then you act like he did something so amazing..._

But it was more than the flowers. She loved them, even though they made her feel awful and mean, but they still seemed to echo his behavior in California. Her coworkers commented on them when they were in her office, and her neighbor had definitely been jealous when she had delivered the previous order. They almost seemed like they were meant for other people to notice. Ned had to be sweet, after all, if he did something so nice for her, if he gave her something so beautiful.

The flowers both made her feel like nothing was wrong—and like everything still was. She and Ned had always tried their best to make everything look perfect from the outside, and it hurt that they needed to put up a front at all.

But what she had always found much more impressive and touching than the flowers were the notes he sent her with them. _Those_ weren't dashed off with just a few seconds' thought, and she was just as sure that he selected the arrangements he sent her with equal care, remembering what she would like and what would remind her of their relationship.

The letters at least meant that he was thinking about her and everything that had happened between them even outside therapy. The tangible reminder of that, in his handwriting, felt more intimate than the display of something that would slowly die in front of her, regardless of how much attention or care she paid to it.

She didn't want to believe their relationship was that way, that the therapy sessions were just staving off the inevitable, but it was so hard.

She had taken each note and put them with the other notes Ned had given her over the years, once she had read them until she could practically recite them to herself. She didn't think of herself as an overly sentimental person, but she treasured every physical reminder of her mother's existence, and she had treasured every gift, every note, every token Ned had given her.

Or at least she had when his love had been behind the gifts.

She had enough time when she got off work to go to the house and change into something less formal than her work attire, and she took advantage of it. She layered a long-sleeved shirt under a chunky blue cable-knit sweater, and was able to easily wear a pair of long john pants under her jeans. She yanked on a pair of heavy socks and put on brown boots with a low heel, then checked her reflection one last time, frowning when she saw that she still looked tired.

Well, she told herself, she _was_ tired, and she didn't see the point in lying about it.

Still, when she reached the coat closet and pulled out her heavily-lined brown leather jacket, she paused. She could still tell him no; she could tell him she didn't want to go out in this weather. Or she could just sit down on the couch, and maybe drink until she was too numb to hurt anymore.

That couch where they had made love more times than she could count.

Nancy frowned again and let out a sigh. "Just do it," she muttered to herself. "It won't be long, anyway."

The snowflakes had only grown larger, and a delicate stillness hung in the air as Nancy parked her car and lingered in the warmth provided by her car's air conditioner. Only a few of the other spaces were filled, but she recognized Ned's car in one of the other slots. So he had already arrived.

Nancy took a deep breath, seated her knit cap a little more firmly on her red-gold hair, then opened the door and carefully climbed out.

\--

The time was six-oh-five, and Ned checked it one last time before he jammed his hands into his pockets. His wool peacoat was a few years old, and in the pocket he had found stubs from movie tickets, a film he had seen with Nancy two years ago. He had taken that as a positive sign.

He had considered asking if she wanted to meet somewhere else once the weather had taken a turn for the worse, but he had been afraid to disturb the tentative acceptance she had given him earlier. Still, he had hoped it wouldn't dissuade her from coming.

Ned brushed off the bench seat beside him. The snow muffled the sounds of traffic and all other signs of life, filling the air around him with a quiet hush, and the sight was beautiful. The exposed areas of his face were freezing, and his arms were wrapped around him, his legs tense, but he was trying to stay calm.

Even if she didn't come, he would see her again in therapy—but that was six days away. Even when they had been in California and they hadn't really seen that much of each other, at least he had been able to sleep beside her. At least he'd had that, even if she hadn't counted it as anything.

Ned fought the urge to spring up and pace as he waited, and glanced up to see a figure approaching from the path. He recognized her brown leather jacket, and his heart rose in his throat. He hadn't let himself realize how truly desperate he was for her to agree to meet him until that moment.

But he didn't know what to say as she approached. He wished with every fiber of his being that he would suddenly find exactly the right words, but all he felt was speechless gratitude.

He just wanted to hold her, and never let her go. But God, it hurt so much when he reached for her and she flinched or turned away.

Nancy's steps slowed to a stop a few feet away from him, and she reached up to brush a stray lock of hair out of her face as he rose. Her expression was so guarded; her blue eyes were sharp. But at least she had come.

Ned cleared his throat. "Thank you," he told her.

Her lips tightened. She pulled her hands out of her pockets and crossed them over her chest, shivering a little, and he again fought the urge to reach for her. "I thought I was doing the right thing," she told him, and her eyes were gleaming. "When we came here that afternoon and I agreed to go with you. You were so excited and I... I wanted to be happy for you. I wanted to believe that it was the best choice for us. Kind of like I'm telling myself that therapy is what we should be doing right now."

Ned flinched at the comparison, taking a step toward her.

"But me wishing doesn't change a damn thing," she told him, and then stopped and swallowed hard. "I know you... you want to prove to me, somehow, that you aren't the man you turned into while we were out there, and I wish you could. Oh God, I _wish_ we could just turn everything back..."

He took another step closer to her. "Nan, if I'd known... I would never have asked you. I would never have stayed there..."

She drew in a labored breath, her eyes shimmering. "But you said you weren't coming back," she said, shaking her head. "What was I supposed to do? It felt like I was losing you, like I had already started losing you, and it was the only choice. _I_ couldn't walk away from what we had, even if _you_ were. And then, you... every choice you made seemed like it was meant to show me just how foolish I had been. To ever believe that I could hold onto you, when you had already let go."

Ned shook his head vehemently. "I never did, Nancy."

She ducked her head, and he saw her shoulders shake faintly. When he took a step closer to her, though, close enough to wrap his arms around her, she inhaled sharply and brought her head back up, her blue eyes rimmed in wet red. "What did I do to make you stop loving me?" she whispered, her voice breaking. "What did I do, what did I say..."

Ned took his own sharp breath. The sight of her so clearly upset and in pain made him feel terrible, and his throat ached in sympathy. "Nothing you could ever do or say would make me stop loving you," he told her. He reached out and touched her upper arm, even through the layers of gloves and coat and clothes, and she blinked, sending another pair of tears down her cheeks. "And instead of showing you every single day how much you meant to me, I let myself get irritated and complacent and swept up in bullshit that doesn't matter, that never did. I told myself you would always be there, because you always had, and I stopped... I stopped deserving you. I don't deserve you now.

"But I need you. I need you in my life. I need _us_. Because without you beside me... everything else is hollow. I mean that. I could have the most fulfilling job in the world, the biggest house, the most expensive car—and none of it would mean a goddamn thing without you."

She shook her head. "But you would have been happy," she said, and he could hear the bitterness in her voice. "In your apartment, with _her_."

Ned sighed. "Can we sit down?" he asked her, gesturing to the bench.

She kept her arms wrapped tight around her, but followed him over to it, and he swept off her side of the seat again before he sat down. She was ducking her head a little when he turned to her. The bitterly cold wind picked up a lock of her red-gold hair and lifted it a few inches.

"When we were here before," he told her, "it meant so much to me that you agreed to go out there with me. It was like you were actually supporting me and what I wanted to do, and I could finally give you the kind of house and lifestyle and—and the kind of husband you could be proud of."

She turned to look at him fully. "Oh, Ned," she sighed, shaking her head. "It was never, _never_ about that for me. I was so proud of you..."

He noted her use of the past tense with a pang, but given everything she knew about him now, he couldn't blame her for that. "But I could never give you enough," he said softly. "I could never work hard enough or give you enough to make you happy, but by then, I couldn't stop. Being around you, seeing how angry you were with me all the time, it just hurt, and I didn't want to hurt. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel like the life I was building with you, for _you_ , was worth something."

Nancy shook her head. "Don't, don't you _dare_ say it was for me," she said, her eyes narrowing.

"Not that way," he told her softly, fighting to keep himself calm. He didn't want to rise to the bait, just the way Sol had worried they would, and just prove to her yet again that their being together was a mistake, if they couldn't even get through an unchaperoned conversation together. "I guess it was just what I thought you wanted. But... really, it was me, wasn't it. It was just that I felt so fucking inadequate when it came to you, and I thought that if I could make a name for myself, that you might... you might let me really be your partner, instead of just the guy you came home to at the end of the day."

Nancy let out her breath in a long, shivering sigh. "Did you really feel that way?"

"Sometimes," he said. "I mean, Nan... I saw the guys you were attracted to, and I guess I thought I just wasn't enough, not by myself."

She reached into her pocket and found a tissue. "And I never, never thought you would betray me," she said, and there was no accusation in her voice, only sorrow. "And now, for as long as we're married, I'll be wondering when the next one will come along and turn your head..."

"You know how she was able to do that? Because I just took it on faith that no matter what, I'd never betray you—and you'd never leave. And if you did, well... I had been a fool for believing I could ever hold you. I took the best thing in my life and did everything I could to prove I didn't deserve it... and then you were gone, and that fucking shell was all I had left."

Nancy looked down and gently blotted her wet cheeks with the tissue. "I know that I miss you," she admitted. "I hate that we're apart. But I also know that it won't be good for either of us, if we try to pretend this didn't happen and pretend we're the same as we were. I won't ever be able to trust you again, and I guess I just need to accept that."

He reached over and gently touched her ungloved hand. "I'm not asking you to trust me now," he said. "I'm asking you to let me earn it again."

"But..." Nancy shook her head. "I can look into your eyes and I know, I _know_ you believe what you're saying. But you never meant to—to get so close to Carly. You might _intend_ to never get that close to any other woman, either. But if you're unhappy, and she's willing..."

Ned sighed. "I understand," he said softly. "And you're right. I never intended for things to go that far with her, and I have no defense. But the only thing I can tell you is that, when that happened... I didn't know what I was risking, not really, not the way I do right now. And if you let me prove this to you, then I swear, I _swear_ , I will never, _ever_ hurt you that way again. I will make sure, every damn day, that you _never_ look back on _this_ day and regret it. Because I wish with every bit of me that I could go back to that moment when they offered me the promotion, and tell them that it wasn't worth it.

"Because, baby, given everything it cost me, I'd much rather be working that same job in the Chicago branch..."

"And hating yourself for not taking the chance on being happy at an amazing job in Los Angeles?"

Ned shook his head. "It wasn't worth it. Not at this cost."

Nancy took a deep breath. "But, don't you see?" she whispered. " _That_ was why, when you asked, I couldn't say no. I never want you to resent me for holding you back or stopping you from—from having the career you want. And that's why, if you tell me that the job in Los Angeles _will_ make you happy..."

Ned shook his head. "It's tainted for me now," he said. "What that job did to me... no. No, I don't want it back."

"Not even if I promise you I would never hold you back from that?"

Ned shook his head. "The only good thing, the _only_ fucking bright spot in all this... is that my profile did go up. The campaigns I worked on out there, the big guys here know about them. And I'm working on that idea I told you about. I'm working on forming my own agency, with people who _aren't_ driven by the same vices and egos that they were out there. And I know, maybe, it won't work—"

Nancy shook his head. "If that's what you want to do, then you can make it work," she said. "I know you can. Whether you're in Los Angeles or here, Ned, or anywhere else, it's in your blood. And knowing that you pursue what makes you happy— _not_ what brings you the most wealth or privilege or hollow, pointless shit—makes me more proud of you than any Mercedes or nice suit or piece of jewelry ever would."

Ned smiled at her. "Thanks," he whispered.

She gave him a small smile in return. "Don't thank me for just telling you the truth." She sighed. "I just wish we'd been honest with each other before any of this shit had ever happened."

"I can't second that enough," he told her. "Look, it's fucking freezing out here. You want to go get a hot apple cider or something?"

Her smile dropped, and she glanced down at her watch. Ned's heart sank. "I can't," she said. "Bess and George asked me to go get a drink with them tonight. I'm sorry."

"Some other time?" When she hesitated, Ned couldn't stop himself. "Nan, look, I love that you're coming to therapy, I honestly do. But if we're really going to try this—I'm not asking to move back in, I just want you to let me date you again. To have fun with you again, to show you that—that the man who hurt you so much, he's gone."

She sighed, and didn't speak for a long moment. "I'll think about it," she murmured. "Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay," he said. "That's all I want. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do."

She nodded, and pushed herself to her feet. "So... I'll see you on Thursday."

He nodded. "Yeah. And if you change your mind, just call me, anytime, Nan. I love you so much."

She gave him a small, quick smile. "You too," she murmured.

He wanted so much to reach for her, but he hesitated a moment too long, afraid she would flinch away from him. He watched her walk back down the path, the large snowflakes catching in her hair, and with each step she took away from him, he felt the trembling euphoria of being near her fade. God, he wanted so badly just to run after her, to pull her into his arms and embrace her hard, without any of the fear or hesitation that had marked almost all their interactions of late.

_Baby steps_ , he told himself. They needed to take things slow, the way they always had. Expressing their love to each other, both verbally and physically, had taken them a long time; learning each other had taken a long time. She wouldn't trust him again overnight, and neither of them would be able to forget California quickly.

He hoped he never did, and as much as it hurt, knowing that his grip on her was so very precarious now only made him all the more desperate to hold her again.

She had told him that if she thought it would make him happier, she would never stand between him and an opportunity like the one he'd had in California, that if they would be happier apart she wouldn't force them to be in misery.

But Ned just couldn't bring himself to believe that he would ever be happy without her.

He just wished with all his heart that she would feel the same way.

\--

Nancy hadn't lied to Ned about the drinks she was having with Bess and George. When she had contacted them to make the plans, she had felt happy and relieved that she would have an excuse to leave if she became too uncomfortable.

But when she had told him she needed to go instead of having a drink with him, she just felt shitty.

Bess and George had been able to tell almost immediately that she had been crying, and when she admitted that she and Ned were going to therapy and working on their relationship, George had said that if it upset her so much, clearly it wasn't a good idea. Bess had jumped in, defending Nancy's decision, but she had been just as worried at the exhaustion and anxiety she had seen in her friend.

It was impossible to explain to them that, even if her and Ned's conversation had hurt some, they had needed to have it. She had never dreamed that self-doubt could have driven him to take the job in California, or that he'd thought it might make her proud of him.

And, as terrible as it was, just that light touch of his hand against her arm had made her wish so much to feel his arms around her again. She still believed it was for the best that they were living apart, and she knew it would be all too easy for their relationship to disintegrate all over again, but that didn't mean she didn't miss him.

George agreed to serve as designated driver, and Bess had encouraged an endless array of shots and drinks, keeping up a bright, cheerful conversation. While the three of them had split an order of nachos, that still hadn't been enough to soak up the alcohol in the three mixed drinks Nancy had allowed Bess to order for her.

They called it a night fairly early, thanks to George's plans for Saturday. As she walked into the house, Nancy was happy that she felt almost entirely exhausted. Maybe, she hoped, sleep would come easily.

After she changed into her pajamas, her face scrubbed clean of her ruined makeup, her eyelids infinitely heavy with exhaustion, she had plugged her phone in to charge. The screen lit up, displaying a message from Ned. She hadn't heard her phone go off with it.

_Thank u again for coming. I'll b counting the mins until I see u again._

She thought about replying, but she was just so tired. She wanted to sleep, to forget the turmoil she was feeling for just a little while.

The sheets were freezing cold when she slid between them, but even so, she fell asleep before her body heat was enough to warm them.

And she dreamed.

She dreamed she was in the hospital, and when she looked down, her belly was well rounded. She could feel such pains radiating through her, like the worst cramps she had ever experienced, and when she glanced up, Hannah was walking beside her.

"Where's Ned?" she asked. "He has to be here."

"He'll be here," Hannah reassured Nancy with a smile. "He's on his way. He'll be here."

Another cramp hit her, and Nancy doubled over, gasping at the pain. "Hannah, something's wrong," she cried. "It hurts, it hurts so much. Oh _God_..."

Hannah shook her head. "Everything's fine, Nancy. Just calm down. Everything will be okay."

Then they were in a patient room, and Nancy was in the bed. She had never met the doctor who walked in, but in her dream he was as familiar as an old friend. She could see he was wearing a pair of Converse sneakers. "Hello, Miss Drew. Are you ready?"

Nancy shook her head. "Mrs. Nickerson," she said. "And no, I'm not ready. We have to wait for Ned."

"It's going to happen whether you're ready or not."

Nancy shook her head more vehemently. "We have to _wait_ ," she insisted.

The doctor came over to her, directing her to bend her knees. "You have to push."

Another terrible pain lanced through her, and her eyes filled with tears. She was so terribly afraid, and Hannah and the doctor just smiled and nodded at her like everything was fine, but they didn't remember, they didn't know what had happened to her. The baby. She had lost the baby.

Hadn't she?

"Nancy, you have to push."

"No!" she shouted back, and just then she heard footsteps running down the hallway. She turned her head and stared at the door, willing him to come to her.

And then the door opened, and Ned walked in, a broad grin on his face. "Hey, sweetheart," he said. He was holding a large stuffed bear in his hands. "I'm so sorry I'm late. I'm sorry."

"See?" Hannah told her. "He's here. I told you he would be."

Nancy's eyes filled with grateful tears. "Hey," she whispered, holding her hand out, and he crossed to her, taking it. She squeezed hard. "I'm so glad you're here."

"I would never miss this, Nancy. Never."

The doctor looked beneath her gown, then at her face again. "Nancy, please. You _have_ to push."

It still hurt, but she squeezed Ned's hand and a little of the panic and fear abated. Ned stroked her cheek and brow, gazing sympathetically at her face, and soon they both heard the baby's first cry.

The doctor smiled at her. "See? Everything's fine."

They wrapped the baby in a white blanket and handed it to her, and Nancy peered down into the small face, the wide and wondering blue eyes, then glanced up at Ned. "I thought..." she whispered, but she couldn't say it. It was too awful.

Ned ducked down and kissed her temple, and as he gently brushed the ball of his thumb over the baby's cheek, his large hand dwarfed that tiny, perfect face. "We made this," he whispered to her. "We did this, Nancy. So beautiful."

She glanced up at him again. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too, Nan."

She looked back down at the baby, running her palm gently over the impossibly soft wisps of light hair, feeling the warmth and life of it. Oh God, it had only been a nightmare, and now, this...

With a gasp Nancy woke alone to the cold, empty room she had once shared with her husband, and her eyes filled with tears. The baby had felt so real, and for a second she had believed it, that the miscarriage had never happened, that the nightmare of her loss wasn't true. She sucked in a trembling breath but couldn't stop herself from sobbing, curling up tight. It had felt so real, and she felt so hollow now.

She wanted to die. Oh God, she wanted to die, she never wanted to feel like this again.

Blindly, her sight blurred by tears, she reached for her phone. She didn't stifle the impulse; she was so tired of fighting what she had always known.

_I need you._

\--

Ned was awake, and he wasn't sure why. After his meeting with his wife, he had picked up a cheap dinner and eaten it in front of the television, but he had turned in early. Or, at least, he had tried to. He had found it almost impossible to fall asleep.

Once he had well and truly given up on getting any rest for a while, Ned had opened his laptop and continued the research he had been doing. Facebook and LinkedIn had provided him with some good leads, and he knew he was jumping the gun a little, but he had even found a few commercial properties up for rent that looked like they could be good prospects.

Still, he was finding it gradually more difficult to concentrate, and he wondered if his exhaustion was finally catching up with him.

When his cell phone went off, he reached for it without looking at it, finishing what he was typing. Then he looked down at the screen.

_I need you._

Ned took a breath, then immediately tapped Reply. _On my way._

During the entire drive to the house, where he had located her phone, he had to force himself not to speed. Losing traction and spinning out wouldn't do either of them any good, and he had no idea what had made her send him that message. He hoped no one had attacked her, that she was safe.

When he walked up to the front door, the porch light was on. He knocked, but before he could take out his key, she was opening the door.

Her face was bare of makeup, but her skin was puffy with tears, her eyes red-rimmed. She was wrapped in her thick terry-cloth robe, her arms wrapped tight around her midsection.

"I got here as quick as I could," he told her, quickly taking his coat off. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice watery, and sniffed as she wiped away another tear. "I..."

He reached for her, frowning, touching her cheek, and tipped her face up so he could see her. "Sweetheart, what is it?"

Her face crumpled. "I dreamed," she whispered. "I dreamed that... I had the baby... and you were there with me, and it was so beautiful, and I thought... I thought it was real, that the—the mis—the miscarriage was just a nightmare..." She started sobbing quietly. "I held our baby, oh my God, oh my _God_..."

Ned wrapped his arms around her so tight and held her as she cried, and she was shaking as she buried her face against his chest. His throat ached, and he buried his face against the crown of her head, gently stroking her back.

"God," he whispered. "Nan, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, baby. Shhhhhh."

It took a long moment for her to do it, but she wrapped her arms around him too, and they held each other, both lost in their grief. When she finally began to calm down, he gently guided her over to the couch, and when he sat down he pulled her down with him. She didn't resist when he pulled her into his arms again.

"Shhh," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

She was still sniffling, and he could still feel her trembling against him. "I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

He stroked his hand over her hair. "I told you," he whispered. "Any time you need me, call me. I don't want you to go through something like that alone."

She took a deep breath, then pulled back. "I... thanks," she whispered. "I'm going to try to go back to sleep."

"Do you want me to make you some tea or anything? It might help."

She looked down, her mouth quivering. "Okay," she whispered, reluctantly.

When he went to the kitchen to make the tea for her, he filled a mug with water and put it in the microwave, finding the chamomile he knew she liked when she was having trouble sleeping. She went over to the sink and bathed her face in cold water again, gasping as she dried herself off.

"Nan?"

When he trusted himself to glance over at her, her gaze was on him. He swallowed hard.

"I... I had that dream too."

"Tonight?"

He shook his head, but didn't say anything else.

"Oh," she said softly. The microwave clicked off with a shrill beep and Ned took out the mug and dunked the tea bag into it, and then he felt Nancy move beside him.

"It hurts," she whispered. "It still hurts, and I feel like it's never going to stop."

He nodded, and when she slipped her arms around him, he closed his eyes and pulled her tight against him, and God, he never wanted to let her go.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

All day long, Nancy had been trying unsuccessfully not to think about her dinner date with Ned that evening.  _It's not a date_ , she corrected herself as she flipped through the hangers in her closet, surveying her clothes.  _You're just having dinner with your husband. No big deal. You used to do that all the time._

When she'd asked Ned where they were going to eat, he had been deliberately vague, which left her unsure of what to wear that evening. She didn't want to throw on jeans and a t-shirt, but she didn't exactly want to get all dressed up for him, either.  In the end, she selected a cream-colored cashmere sweaterdress, which she paired with a gold chain-link belt and a pair of tall brown high-heeled leather boots. Not too fancy, but not sloppy, either.  

The dress was still too large for her, but she was proud to have gained a few pounds over the last week or so. She still didn't have that much of an appetite, but she was forcing herself to eat at least three meals a day—healthy ones, at that—and the discipline was paying off. Already Nancy had noticed that her collarbones and hipbones weren't quite so prominent beneath her clothing and that her skin didn't look quite so sallow anymore. 

As she brushed her hair, Nancy thought about the last time Ned had come to the house. It had been the night she'd had the dream about the baby, when all she'd wanted was the comfort of his arms. Even more than a week later, the dream still haunted her, but the fact that he had shown up when she'd texted him, no questions asked… it made her feel reassured, like what he'd told her about being the same man he'd been before was the truth.  

After he'd made her tea, he'd sat with her on the couch again for a while, his arm around her shoulders. They hadn't talked much, but she'd found his presence incredibly comforting. She'd sent him home a few hours later, knowing they were both disappointed that she had done so. It would have been wonderful to fall asleep in his arms, to not have to lie in their big, cold bed alone, but Nancy didn't want to send Ned the wrong signals. If she told him to stay, then he'd likely expect to sleep over again at some point in the near future, and she knew she wasn't ready for that. 

Since then, Ned had been texting her at least once a day and once a night, under the guise of checking in on her. Nancy now found herself automatically checking her phone for messages from him throughout the day, and she never failed to be disappointed when she didn't see one.  

This week's therapy session had been emotionally grueling, as always, but at least she and Ned had talked to each other and voiced their feelings without yelling or calling each other names. Under Sol's guidance, they'd discussed their fighting techniques and how to improve them; they'd also talked a little bit more about the loss of the baby and what it had meant to each of them. 

After the appointment, she and Ned had lingered outside the office, making small talk. She suspected that Ned hadn't wanted to leave her, and if she were honest with herself, she hadn't wanted to say good night to him, either.  That was when he had asked her if she would go out to dinner with him on Friday night. Apparently he had been serious about making an effort to win her back again. She had hesitated for a moment, not sure what she should do. The relief on his face when she had said yes had touched her heart. 

Her hair now gleaming from its thorough brushing, Nancy put on a coat of mascara and a shimmery peach lip gloss. They helped to bring out her eyes and the color in her face, but those damn dark circles were still there, she thought, shaking her head. She reached for the concealer and touched up the purple shadows underneath her eyes. Nothing a good night's sleep wouldn't help. 

As she slipped in a pair of simple gold hoops, she heard the doorbell ring downstairs. Nancy hurried down the steps, trying to tell herself that the pounding of her heart was the result of her exertion, not because she was eager to see Ned. 

She placed her flattened palms over her stomach to calm her nerves, took a deep breath, and opened the door. 

Ned stood there on the porch, looking incredibly handsome in his black overcoat, which was open to reveal a charcoal suit and silver tie.  He very nearly took her breath away.  They stared at each other before she came to her senses and invited him inside. 

"It's cold out there; come on in." Nancy couldn't help but think how odd it was to be inviting Ned into the house that they had once shared. Just then, she noticed that he was holding a vase of flowers, one that was identical to the other two he'd sent.

"These are for you," Ned told her as he held out the vase. "They're pretty, but not nearly as beautiful as you, Nan. You look _gorgeous_ , baby."

"Thanks," she mumbled, cursing herself for suddenly feeling shy.  "Let me go put these in the kitchen." _They're just flowers, don't get all excited,_ she warned herself _._

After she took the vase from his hands, Ned reached into his interior suit pocket and withdrew another envelope. "Oh, and this is for you, too. But I don't want you to read it until after our date, okay?"

As Nancy took the envelope from him, she didn't fail to notice that he'd also referred to their plans as a date. She hurried into the kitchen to put the flowers on the table and then came back out to find Ned waiting expectantly for her. 

"We'd probably better get going if we want to make our reservations, Nan," Ned told her, checking his watch.

Nancy walked to the hall closet and took out her good black wool coat. "So, where are we going, anyway, Ned?" Despite herself, she couldn't help but be charmed when he held her coat and helped her into it. 

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise," he teased her. 

She gave a deep sigh. "At least give me a clue," she implored him. 

Ned wagged his finger at her. "I know my girl likes a mystery, but I'm not going to indulge you this time. You'll just have to wait to find out until we get there."

"Fine," she told him in a mock huff as they walked out of the house and she locked the door behind them.  It was nice to hear him call her his girl because it reminded her of the old days, but she didn't let it show. "Be that way. But just for that, I'm not going to let you taste whatever dessert I order."

"Oh, I'll find a way to convince you to change your mind," he told her lightly as he held open her car door. 

\--

When Ned's car pulled up in front of Chez Louis thirty minutes later, Nancy couldn't help but laugh. 

"Here? Really?"

"Yes, really," he replied. "I wanted to take you somewhere special, somewhere that's a part of our past – and what better place than Chez Louis?"

They got out of the car as the valet took Ned's keys and he held open the restaurant's door for her.

The inside of the restaurant looked exactly the same to Nancy: bouquets of fresh-cut flowers; impeccably-set tables with creamy linens, silverware polished to a high shine, and gleaming crystal; a wall of windows that provided a spectacular view of the Muskoka River. It was the very definition of muted elegance.

_I guess some things don't really change_ , she thought. It was oddly reassuring. 

As he took her coat and handed it to the coat check girl, Nancy looked down at her dress ruefully. "If I had known we were coming here, Ned, I would've picked something fancier to wear."

He shook his head. "You're perfect, Nan. Unbelievably gorgeous."

After he gave their name at the maitre'd stand, the tuxedo-clad host led them to a table. Nancy shook her head disbelievingly. "I can't believe you got them to give us the same table that we had before you gave me that fake proposal all of those years ago," she told him. "How'd you pull that off?"

Ned chuckled as he held out her chair before sitting down across from her. "I'm a very persuasive guy, Nan. And that wasn't a fake proposal, by the way."

She raised her eyebrows as she shook out the thick snow-white cloth napkin at her place setting and settled it onto her lap.  "Oh, really? So you asking me to marry you just so could keep a stupid promise to yourself wasn't fake?"

"No," Ned replied, looking far more serious than she'd expected. "The reason I had to do it was kind of fucked up, but the intent behind it was very real. If you'd said yes back then, I would've married you in a minute, Nan.  Proposing to you and marrying you could never, ever be considered a mistake, sweetheart. Not then, and not ever."

She was riveted by the intense expression in his dark brown eyes and found that she couldn't look away. The waiter's presence saved her from having to reply, and she silently took her menu from his hands.

"Would you like to see the wine list? Perhaps you'd like a cocktail instead?" the waiter inquired. 

Nancy held her breath, watching Ned carefully to see what his response would be.  

"Not for me, thanks—I think I'd prefer some sparkling water with a twist of lemon," he replied without missing a beat. "Nan, how about you?"

For a second, just a second, Nancy debated ordering a drink just to see what Ned would do in the face of that kind of temptation. Instantly, she quashed the impulse, berating herself for even entertaining it. It wouldn't be fair to set him up like that, especially when he was obviously trying so hard to be good. 

She looked up at the waiter, shaking her head. "No wine or cocktails for me, but that sparkling water with lemon does sound good."

Ned smiled at her, looking relieved. _Apparently, he really isn't ready to be around alcohol yet,_ she thought to herself.  _No matter how badly you could use a drink right about now._

"Can you bring us a bottle?" he asked the waiter. 

"Of course, sir. We have a sparkling spring water from the French Alps with a crisp, citrusy mouthfeel, one from the Vendée region with a slightly clean mineral flavor palate, as well as one from Southern France that has hints of creaminess with a sweet finish. Which would you prefer?"

"The one from the Alps," Ned told him, and Nancy could tell that he was fighting to keep a straight face.

"Very well. I'll let you two look at your menus and will come back with your bottle of water in a few minutes."

After the waiter departed, Ned chuckled, just as she'd known he would. "Three kinds of French sparkling water, each with its own character. I wonder if he'll have me sniff the metal cap when he presents the bottle to me."

Nancy giggled. "He'll also probably swirl the water around in the bowl of the glass and instruct you to swish it around your mouth to get the full bouquet."

They both laughed, and Nancy felt herself start to relax marginally. It still felt odd to be dating her own husband, but it was nice to be able to have a conversation with him and to make him laugh again. 

\--

When the waiter placed a bowl of lobster bisque in front of him, Ned looked up and smiled his thanks.  

"That smells good," Nancy commented once the waiter had left.

"It does," he agreed with a smile. "Want a taste?"

"No, thanks. I'm dying to dig in to this salad." Nancy had ordered a first course of chilled roasted beets, fennel fronds, orange slivers, candied pecans, and a goat-cheese mousse, all over spring greens tossed in a citrus vinaigrette, and she gave a hum of approval after sampling a bite.

"Incredible," Ned pronounced after he'd tasted his soup. "Worth every butter- and cream-based calorie."

She chuckled, taking another forkful of salad. "This isn't as calorie-laden, but it's still delicious."

"Nan, I have to tell you that you look so much healthier this week," he told her truthfully.  "Your face has filled in nicely – and so have your curves." He gave her a mock leer.

Nancy's cheeks turned pink, and he sensed that she was pleased by his compliments. "Thanks. I'm really working on it."

"Well, it's paying off, sweetheart." 

After they finished their first course, Ned leaned across the table and took Nancy's hand into his own. "It's so nice to be with you, Nan. I missed you so much."

"Thanks," she mumbled. "So, how's your week been so far?"

_She didn't say she missed me but she didn't pull her hand away, either,_ he reminded himself.  "It's been okay.  As usual, I thought about you when I woke up in the morning and when I went to bed at night and about a hundred times in between, but other than that… it was good. How have you been this week? Any more… any more dreams?"

Nancy shook her head. "No," she replied softly. "No, not after the last one."

"Good," he replied, relieved. "I have to say that you scared the hell out of me with that text, baby."

Surprise registered on her beautiful face. "Why?"

"Because I didn't know if you were hurt, or if someone had broken in… I was terrified. The only reason I didn't speed on my way over to you was because I didn't want to get into an accident."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I was just upset when I woke up and—"

"No, no," he clarified hastily. "No, baby, you don't have to apologize. I told you, you can call or text or email me anytime you want to, anytime you need to."

"Thanks," she said, and he loved seeing her give him a genuine smile. "I appreciate that."

"How's your job going?"

He shrugged. "It's a job. I like having something to keep myself busy, but I'm not exactly feeling challenged.  I've actually put out a few feelers to see if I can really start up my own agency, just like I've talked about before."

"Really? Hey, that's great news," she told him encouragingly. 

"Thanks. I mean, nothing's really happened yet, but I've talked to a few people and they've expressed some interest."

"Like who?"

Ned wondered if she was expecting him to mention the names of the people he'd had on his team in L.A. "You remember Chris Connors and Daniella Maroni?"

He found it adorable, the way she Nancy scrunched up her face as she tried to remember. "I think so.  You worked with them here in Chicago, right?"

"That's right. We even went to a holiday open house that Chris and his wife threw.  And you probably met Daniella when we went to some function or another."

"So what happens next?"

Talking with her like this reminded Ned of the old days, when they'd confide in each other and hash things out. It was nice, he thought. "Well, neither of them is particularly happy at the places where they're working now, and they both really like the idea of heading up their own agency.  If we could get a few more good people, then I could probably convince them to get on board."

Just then, the waiter came by to clear the plates.  When he was gone, Nancy resumed their conversation.

"What's holding them back?" she asked, taking a sip of her water. He'd noticed that she appeared more relaxed than she had at the start of their date. 

"A few things, but the main ones are money and security. It takes money, a _lot_ of money, to get any business off the ground. We'd have to have enough for rent, utilities, office supplies, furniture, computers, travel and other client-related expenses, not to mention salaries and health insurance for staff as well as the partners and me. Paying for all of that would require each of us to put up a big chunk of cash at the outset, then we'd have to pray that we'd get enough clients to have some money coming in the door, or we'd be screwed. 

"That kind of risk scares people—and, frankly, I don't blame them. Right now, they have good salaries and bonuses, benefits, pension and-or retirement savings plans, paid vacations… That's a lot to give up, especially since Chris and Daniella have families."

"But sometimes the risk leads to a great reward," Nancy pointed out. "I mean, you're amazingly good at your job, and I'm sure you wouldn't have reached out to those two if they weren't good too." Ned smiled at her, warmed by her compliment.  It was nice to hear her praise him. 

"With that kind of talent all in one place, I'd be shocked if you couldn't attract a lot of clients fairly quickly and start turning a profit by the end of your first year.  I mean, yeah, it would probably be a little bit of a challenge at the beginning, but I know you could do this."

"It's nice to hear you say that, Nan. It's nice to have your vote of confidence."

"Ned, even though I resented your job and what it turned you into, I always knew you were brilliant at advertising—it's your calling, and it would be a shame to squander your skills at a company where you're pushing paper. I hate to see you at that insurance company, where I know you must be bored silly."

"I am," he admitted, taking a sip of water. "But I didn't want to put myself back into that high-profile, high-pressure environment when I came back here. But now I think it's time I start doing what it is I love to do."

"I agree.  It's a waste of your talents and intelligence. So, what are you going to do to convince Chris and Daniella and any other potential partners?"

"Not sure," Ned admitted.

"Well, let's plan it out… What?" She tilted her head at his surprised look.

"Nothing. It's just that… that it reminds me of the old days. Us brainstorming, talking things out… It's nice."

As they continued to talk, Ned could see Nancy's eyes light up. She was clearly savoring the challenge of helping him to establish his agency.   

"Do you think you could get Heather to relocate from L.A.?" she suddenly asked as they were deep into a conversation about other potential candidates to staff his agency.

Taken aback, Ned put down the water glass he'd just picked up. "What?"

"Heather, your admin assistant in L.A. Do you think she'd be willing to join you?"

"I… I don't know. I know that she's single and that her family is on the East Coast, but I think it would take a hell of a large offer to get her to pick up stakes and move to Chicago. And I think that we'd want to keep the salary for our admin assistants on the low end, especially at the beginning."

"True," Nancy mused. "But what if you gave her another type of incentive?"

"Like?"

"I know you only want a few partners, but what if you were to offer her a one- or two-percent stake in the company?"

He just stared at her, surprised. "That's a great idea, actually."

"Why, thank you," she replied flippantly, taking another sip of her water. 

"Honestly, I would have thought that you wouldn't have wanted me to have anything to do with anyone who works in the L.A. office," Ned admitted.

"She's the only exception," Nancy informed him dryly. "Believe me."

"I have to tell you that she was always on your side; she was a big supporter of our marriage. In fact, she kept warning me and telling me to keep my eyes open about what was going on with… with other people," he finished, not wanting to poison the atmosphere between them by uttering Carly's name. 

"I knew I liked her for a reason."

Ned chuckled, turning the topic back to other potential partners that he could recruit, and the not-so-little problem of finding money to fund his venture. 

When the waiter came by with their entrees, both Nancy and Ned were startled by the interruption. They had both practically forgotten that they were still awaiting their main course.

"The scallops in a lemon _beurre blanc_ with a side of roasted asparagus for the lady; the steak _au poivre_ , medium rare, with the potatoes lyonnaise and _haricot vert_ for the gentleman.  Is there anything else I can get you?"

Ned ordered them another bottle of water, and waited until Nancy had taken a bite of her dinner before digging into his own meal. 

"This place is still amazing," Nancy swooned. "The scallops are tender without being overcooked and the sauce is delicious."

"My steak is perfectly done and the brandy demi-glace is incredible," he agreed, cutting off another piece and dunking it in the sauce before holding out his fork to his wife.  "Taste?"

Nancy finally leaned forward after a brief pause, popping the bite of meat into her mouth. "Oh my God," she moaned. "That is… mmm."

For a brief moment, Ned remembered that identical look of bliss on her face and those same noises of pleasure when he had gotten her naked and in bed.  The tightening of his groin was like a reflex, one that he tried to will away.

Forcing himself to concentrate on the food, he gave Nancy a grin. "Told you."  He pushed his dish of potatoes and green beans to the center of the table. "Feel free to have some of these, too."

"Only if you taste my meal." She forked up some scallop and offered it up to him.

"Wow," he groaned as the morsel hit his tongue. "Just… wow."

"Right? So, anyway, we were still talking about how you could raise the capital for your new agency," Nancy reminded him, pointing her fork in his direction. 

"We were," Ned acknowledged, cutting off another piece of steak. "And I… had an idea. But since it involves you, I didn't want to just run with it." He suddenly felt nervous at the idea of broaching this subject with her. 

When Nancy looked at him expectantly, he put down his fork and wiped his now-sweaty palms on the napkin resting on his lap. "I thought about using some of the money I'd put away from the job in L.A. and maybe taking out loans for the rest of my stake."

"That makes sense to me," she replied without hesitating.

"Really?" He thought for sure that it would have taken a lot to convince Nancy, so her immediate approval of his plan took him by surprise. 

"Of course. Like I said, sometimes you have to take risks. And going out on your own could potentially result in a great reward. But why did you need to ask me about this?"  Nancy scooped up some more of her scallops and regarded him curiously. 

He was glad to see her eating heartily, but Ned didn't let it distract him from their conversation. "Well, because it's technically _our_ savings, Nan. That money's just as much mine as it is yours. And if I took out a loan and the business went under, you'd be considered as responsible as I would be to pay it back."

"Don't talk like that," she scolded him lightly. "You'll be a success, I know it. And as for the money in savings… just like I didn't want to hold you back from accepting the job in California, I wouldn't want to do it now, either.  You have my blessing."

Feeling a swell of gratitude rise within him, Ned reached across the table to take her hand. "Baby, thank you so much. For your confidence in me, for your willingness to sacrifice your future… I'm so grateful.  And I promise I'll do everything in my power to make a go of this, to make the agency successful."

 "I know you will," she replied simply, squeezing his hand. "If I didn't have faith in you, I never would tell you to go for it."

"You know what? We've spent all night talking about my career path and haven't even talked about yours. I'm sorry, Nan. How's your job going? Any interesting new cases?"

"You really want to talk about that?" she asked skeptically. 

He nodded. "Of course, baby. I'm still interested in you and your life." 

"Okay," she shrugged, "I did just get a kind of unusual one.  And it shouldn't be _too_ dangerous."

"You know just how to make me happy," he replied teasingly, and his heart warmed when she giggled in response. 

\--

Two hours later, Nancy felt a stab of regret when Ned pulled his car into the driveway of their house. _Her_ house, she reminded herself.  She was disappointed to see the night come to an end. It had been wonderful spending time with Ned and it had really reminded her of what their relationship had been before.

As she placed her hand on the door handle, Ned sprang out of the car and hurried around to her side, opening the door for her. She smiled her thanks and allowed him to take her hand as he walked her up to the front door. 

"Thank you so much for agreeing to come out to dinner with me, Nan. I had such a good time."

"So did I," she admitted before she could think about it.

"Can I… Can I kiss you?" His brown eyes were shining, his dark hair gleaming from the porch light, and it reminded her of thousands of nights when he'd dropped her off at her father's door after the movies or dinner or a night of sleuthing. 

Nancy looked as his lips, and remembered how soft and sweet they felt against hers.  "I…" She wanted so badly to say yes, but…

"I won't push you," he told her hastily. "But I miss kissing those pretty lips, sweetheart. I miss feeling your tongue lingering against mine, having you cling to me."

Almost as if she had no will of her own, Nancy nodded wordlessly, holding her breath as he leaned forward. The instant his lips touched hers, she felt all of her nerve endings in her body spark, and her body automatically moved in to seek contact with his, as if there were a magnet pulling them together.

When his tongue grazed hers, she let out an involuntary sigh, letting her hand cup the back of his neck.  His kisses were slow, lingering, and she felt like she was melting.

"Baby," he muttered against her lips. "Baby, can I come inside?"

Her nipples hardened beneath her clothes, and she could feel the crotch of her panties getting wet. Every fiber of her being was screaming for her to let him inside and let him take her upstairs, to bed.  It would feel so good, she reminded herself dreamily.

All of a sudden, she came to her senses and pulled away. "No," she told him, trying to sound firm. It wasn't easy to do; her knees were actually weak. "No, Ned—it's not a good idea."

"Okay," he said quickly, stepping back. "Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush you."

"It's okay, but you have to go," she told him, pressing her fingertips to her lips as if to seal in the memory of his kisses. 

"Can I see you again sometime soon?"

"Let me…" Nancy hesitated, still trying to catch her breath. "Let me think about it."

"Fair enough." She could tell he was disappointed, but he didn't argue. "Good night, gorgeous," he told her quietly. "I love you."

"Good night," she whispered back.

When the door had closed behind him, Nancy sagged against it, exhaling loudly. Despite what her body had practically been screaming for, she knew that it would be in her best interest to go to bed alone.

Giving another sigh, she took off her coat and hung it in the closet. She thought briefly about getting changed and going to bed, but Nancy felt slightly restless.

Maybe some tea will help, she told herself. Heading into the kitchen, she flipped on the light and caught sight of the vase of flowers on the table, remembering that they had been accompanied by another letter.

After putting on the kettle, Nancy sat down at the table, trying to ignore the fact that her hands were trembling in anticipation as she slit open the envelope with her index finger.

_My darling Nancy,_

_I was so happy when you agreed to have dinner with me tonight – I've been looking forward to this ever since you said yes. When we're apart, I miss you so much that I ache; when we're together, I feel like all is right with my world. Because, sweetheart, you_ are _my world._

_As I've said before, I know that there is a lot of work that needs to be done before we can even begin to consider our rift to be healed, but I am just so grateful every day, all of the time, that you are willing to take a chance on me again. I know it wasn't easy for you, Nan, which makes me appreciate this opportunity all the more._

_Last night, I dreamt of you, like I usually do. I dreamt that we were with my parents, eating dinner at their house. We were barbecuing out back and you were unbelievably gorgeous as you threw your head back and laughed at something I'd said. We were so happy and so much in love. Then I pulled you onto my lap and we kissed – my parents thought it was cute and teased us about acting like newlyweds.  As I kissed you again, it started to rain and there was a chill in the air – that's when I woke up and was heartbroken to find the bed cold and empty next to me. That's what it's like for me every morning when I awaken to find that you aren't with me, and every night when I go to bed alone._

_I hope that our date tonight is the first of many, that you will let me take you out again sometime soon. I just want us to get back to being that loving couple we used to be. I have faith that we can be, someday._

_Sweet dreams, gorgeous. I can't wait to see you again._

_Love always and forever,_

_Ned_

The kettle began whistling loudly, startling Nancy. She hurriedly went to the stove to switch it off and take the teapot off the burner. As she took out a mug and a teabag, she tried not to think of her own cold and empty bed upstairs.

\--

After they'd greeted Sol and taken their usual spots on the sofa, the therapist smiled at them. This week's t-shirt was heather gray, emblazoned with a Led Zeppelin logo that was faded from numerous rounds in the washing machine. 

"So, how did things go between you this week? Did you have any contact aside from our last therapy session?"

Nancy turned her head to look at Ned; he gave her a grin, which she returned. For some reason, she was in an unusually good mood, and trying to tell herself that it had nothing to do with being in close proximity to her husband.

"Actually, we did," Ned informed Sol. "Nancy was nice enough to take me up on my offer of a dinner date."

If Sol was surprised, he didn't let it show. "And how did that go?"

"It went very well, believe it or not," Nancy admitted.  "The conversation was good, we talked about serious stuff like his career plans and my job, we didn't argue once…"

"It was just nice to be together," Ned added.

"Good – I'm glad. And after the date? Did you two…" Sol raised his eyebrows. 

She chuckled. "No. No, we didn't. We kissed, but he left right after." She held her hand up, three fingers tight together. "Scout's honor."

"Smart. Because as I'm sure the both of you are well aware, sex complicates the hell out of things.  And I'd hate to see the both of you mess up the great work you're doing with getting your intimacy back."

"It was tough to leave," Ned admitted. "Because it wasn't just about sex—although that would have been nice," he joked, and Nancy laughed, in spite of herself.

"When things were good, the sex was never just _nice,_ Ned," she teased back. Ned and Sol chuckled at that. 

"Seriously, though, I just wanted to be able to fall asleep holding her in my arms, and wake up to her beautiful face. In our bed, in our home. I know, I know," he continued as Nancy opened her mouth to speak. "It's technically your home now, Nan. But I just refuse to give up hope that it'll be _our_ home again one day."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that your date went well, but if you ever hope to have a chance of moving back in, there's a lot we need to work through first," Sol informed Ned with a grin.  "And actually, the things that you talked about during your dinner date are a perfect springboard for the topics I wanted to cover today. 

"Money and power. Nancy, they're something that you had on your list of things to change about Ned: how he used money as a sign of power, how he used it to buy things to show off and to express his love to you."

"In a weird way, he's always been like that," Nancy told the therapist.  "Even when we were still in high school and he had part-time or summer jobs where he wasn't earning very much."

"Come on, Nancy, you know the rules. Tell Ned, not me," Sol admonished her lightly.

"Sorry," she apologized quickly, turning to face Ned. "Ned, you know it's true. From when we first started dating, you bought me all kinds of presents. Candy and stuffed animals you'd won at carnivals I'd dragged you to for my cases. A heart-shaped music box, balloons, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, flowers—on and on and on. And I honestly didn't mind," she added when Ned made a noise of protest. "It was nice to be spoiled."

"And when did you start to feel differently?" Sol asked her. "When did you begin to feel like the gifts represented something else?"

Nancy paused, hating to say the words aloud and stir up some more painful memories from their past. "When he—" Sol shook his head and Nancy corrected herself. "Ned, when you broke up with me after we'd fought about Mike's involvement in that point-shaving case...

"That night was the first time that you'd shared how the gifts were a way that you'd been trying to prove your worth to me.  You'd told me that you'd found it difficult to give me anything, because I was so independent, and you'd made it seem like the presents and tokens you'd given me were a way to insert yourself into my life. To remind me that you were a part of it.

"Then after we were married, the presents got bigger. The pendant you bought me on our honeymoon in Italy, the sapphire and diamond earrings for Christmas. Again, I found it sweet, because it showed that you cared, that you were thinking of me—but I have to admit that I always wondered, at least a tiny bit, about the reason for those generous gifts."

Ned was silent for a moment. "Nan, I've always loved you, but what you just said was kind of true. I love your independence and your self-reliance, but sometimes it was nice to feel needed, wanted. When I gave you those balloons and bracelets and candy and that stuff, it made me happy because you were paying attention to me. 

"Don't get me wrong," he continued quickly, "I gave them to you because I wanted you to have them—I loved you and I enjoyed being able to show that love to you with presents. That way, you'd know that you were on my mind even when we weren't together. And anything that I gave you right after we were married was kind of a like an expression of my gratitude, that I was so incredibly happy you'd allowed me to be your husband."

"Let's expand upon what you just said a little bit more," Sol interjected. "Ned, one of the things that Nancy specifically mentioned when the two of you were reviewing your lists was how you used presents to express your love, just like you said. When you started earning a significant salary from the job in California, you used it to buy her expensive things, things that she had never really asked for or voiced a need for. What was your motivation behind it?"

Nancy watched her husband as he carefully considered his answer. "Well, because I finally felt like I was in a position to give her the best things in life, all the things she deserved over the years."

"Did you ever get the sense that she felt like she was lacking by not having these things?  Did she ever look in a store window when you went out somewhere and sigh over something that you knew there was no way you could ever possibly afford, or talk about stuff that was way too expensive on the salary you'd been earning?"

"No," Ned admitted, shifting in his seat.  "Nan's never really been like that. She's never dropped hints, or pointed out things in magazines. She's not materialistic."

"So why did you become so fixated on buying things for her when your salary increased?"

"Sol, you have to understand. Nan's dad… he brought her up in such a way that she never had to think about prices or money. I'm not saying that she was spoiled, not at all.  It's just that she's always been used to having whatever she wanted, and I wanted to be able to give her that, too."

Nancy shook her head. "I wish you'd stop saying that, Ned," she told him crossly. "All I wanted was _you_. That's it. Not that fucking Mercedes convertible, not those big diamond-and-sapphire earrings, and certainly not that goddamn Cartier bracelet."

She didn't miss the face Ned made before shuttering his expression, and it irritated her as much as the memories of the overly extravagant things he'd bought her. "And I wish _you'd_ stop saying that, Nancy! Why the fuck was it such a big damn deal for you to accept stuff like that from me when you had no problem with the stuff your father gave you, huh?"

"Because when my father gave me shit, it wasn't a means of showing off or acting like a big shot or… or… trying to assuage any guilt! ‘ _My wife's pissed at me because I forced her into moving to California, so let me buy her some earrings and a foreign sports car!' ‘My wife's pissed at me because I keep abandoning her for my job, so let me get her a fancy bracelet.  Oh, and bonus points when the people at the museum gala I dragged her to noticed that it was from Cartier—score one for me!'_ There weren't ever any hidden motives to my dad's gifts, Ned! _"_

Ned glared at her.  "You think so, Nancy? Ever consider that he maybe wanted to keep you as his little girl forever, that maybe it was the reason he had no problem with bankrolling your travel for your cases or letting you use his charge cards to buy anything you'd wanted? He never made you get a job or contribute to the household, because I think he _liked_ being able to indulge you. He raised you to be independent and to think for yourself, but also to keep you dependent upon _him_."

Nancy was pissed at Ned for saying these things, but she was even more pissed when it dawned on her that there was likely some truth to his words. "Why do you always bring up my father when we argue about money?" she demanded.

"Because I think it's interesting that you tell me you hate being lavished with fancy stuff, and yet you never seemed to mind it when your dad did it.

"You talked about the night I broke up with you when we were fighting about Mike. That night, I told you how hard it was to give you stuff—every single time I've given you a gift, large or small, you've given me a hard time about it, Nancy. Every single time."

"That's not true, Ned!" she protested hotly as her husband snorted. Sol gave them a warning look, but Nancy had no intention of backing down now. "It isn't!"

"Oh, yeah?" he countered. "So putting aside all of the other stuff you've mentioned, which you _keep_ mentioning, how about the original pair of sapphire-and-diamond earrings that you talked about earlier? I gave them to you for Christmas right after we were married after I'd saved up for _months._ You kept telling me they cost too much, that I shouldn't have spent my money on them. Nan, I know you thought you were doing the right thing, but it hurt me to hear you go on and on about how I shouldn't have bought them." 

"That's the thing, though! I didn't need the earrings, Ned. I loved you—you didn't have to buy me a thing!"

"But I wanted to!" he insisted, and the frustration was all but radiating off of him. "Nancy, that's the thing that _you_ don't understand. I worked hard to earn the money to splurge on those presents for you, but I never felt like you appreciated any of them!"

"That was never it. I've _always_ appreciated the stuff you've given me, always. I just never wanted you to feel like you had to give me _stuff_ when you'd already given me _yourself,_ and that was the best gift anyone had ever given me."

"Nan," he replied, his voice soft and unexpectedly tender. "Oh, Nan."

"I hated how you thought you had to prove something to me with those material things, but it made me happy to look at them and think of you. I just hope you know that you didn't have to spend money on stuff because the little gestures meant so much to me—the cards, the playlists you created for me, the pictures of us you put into pretty little frames..."

"I hear what you're saying, but ever since we met, I've always felt like…" Ned paused, as if searching for the right words, and his voice became a little softer. "Like one day you were going to take a look around and realize that you could do better than me. That all of those other guys who desired you, who fell in love with you, would be more worthy of you.  And that one day, the attraction you felt for one of them would be enough to pull you away from me forever."

This time, she was the one to soften. "Ned," she whispered. "No."

"It's true," he said quietly. "No matter how many times you told me that you loved me and that I was the one you'd want to be with forever, I couldn't help but feel insecure."

Sol spoke up. "Ned, do you think that the move to California could have also been your way of trying to be the one to end things first? That you had a feeling, deep down, that Nancy couldn't have been happy there and you were, in effect, forcing her hand? Maybe you thought that you'd leave before she could get the chance to walk out on you, try to save yourself some hurt?"

Ned pondered their therapist's suggestion but Nancy couldn't stay quiet. "Why the hell would you have expected me to end things, Ned? When the job in L.A. came up, we were _happy!_ "

"Because, Nan… You're this gorgeous, brilliant, adventurous, witty detective who went around the world and earned this incredible reputation for herself as a top-notch investigator before she was even old enough to vote, and I… I was just your high-school boyfriend, a guy who was good at sports. Nothing glamorous or exciting or special. I've always thought I couldn't be enough for you."

Nancy shook her head, tears springing to her eyes. No matter how angry he'd made her over the last year, no matter what kinds of terrible things they'd said and done to each other, it still devastated her to hear her husband say these words to her.

"No matter where you go, Nan, other men can't help but look at you. You're…magnetic, vibrant, powerful, and they find you irresistibly sexy, desirable. You could snap your fingers and have any one of them.  And I've always worried that I'd say or do the wrong thing, or that one of them would say or do the _right_ thing, and that would be it—you'd be lost to me forever."

"And the gifts? The flaunting of your newfound wealth?" Sol interjected. 

Ned looked up, but focused his gaze on their therapist instead of looking at Nancy. "I finally, finally felt like I had the chance to be the man that you deserved, Nan. I was earning a great living, enough to shower you with presents and show you that I was worthy.  That I was powerful and successful in my own right, that I was your equal. And that I was a man like your father—influential, well-respected in my line of work, wealthy… For the first time, I didn't feel like I was in someone else's shadow. It was… exciting, I guess, to know that I was the one in the spotlight."

Nancy sniffled, reaching for a tissue from the box on the table in front of her. 

"Nan, I'm not saying this stuff to make you cry," Ned told her, turning to look at her for the first time. "I'm just telling you honestly how I feel."

She managed a watery smile. "And that's what's making me cry, Ned. It just breaks my heart that even after all of this time, you still feel this way. That _I_ made you feel this way. You have never, ever had to do one single thing to make yourself worthy of me. I'm the one who didn't deserve _you_ , Ned. 

"You talked about the way other men look at me and how you were just plain old Ned, but it's not true; it was never true. You are gorgeous and brilliant and kind and vibrant and powerful, and I'm not surprised that someone like Carly would have seen that."

Ned involuntarily grimaced at the sound of the other woman's name and the word was bitter on her tongue, but Nancy kept going. "During one of our fights, I told you that she only wanted you because she knew it would get to me, but I don't think that was entirely true, Ned. When I met her the night of the holiday party, I could see how she looked at you, before she even knew who I was. She saw you exactly the way I did, and that's precisely why she scared the shit out of me."

He shrugged. "You were right, though. She saw me as a prize, like it was a game."

"Partly, but it wasn't the only reason. She was drawn to you, and I couldn't blame her. If you weren't mine, I would've acted the exact same way." Nancy shook her head as if to clear it. "But I don't really want to talk about her tonight. Ned, I want to talk about _you_. I am sorry that I've made you feel _less than_ , even after all these years. That was my fault. As your wife, I should have done a better job of telling you how much I valued you as my husband, as my partner in life, as the man you grew into from the boy I'd met. 

"Everything that you are is more than enough. You don't need to earn a lot of money, you don't need to buy me expensive stuff, you don't need to do any of that to prove yourself to me. None of that is important to me."

"I hear what you're saying, but—"

"There is no ‘but', Ned. Really.  Do you know when I was the happiest during our relationship?" When he shook his head, she continued. "When we spent time at the movies or hanging out at the pool or sharing a pizza on our bench by the Muskoka or working on a case or just watching TV.  

"When we were in bed together, curled up around each other, holding each other tight after we'd made love. When I could feel your heartbeat under my ear and breathe in your scent and have your strong arms around me. I felt safe and secure and loved, knowing that my husband was with me and our love was strong. 

"Ned, those things didn't cost much—or anything, in some cases—but they were the best part of our relationship because we were _together_."

"But I want to be able to give you presents here and there without having you make a big deal of it or complain, Nan. I don't think that's an unrealistic request. Sol, do you?" Ned appealed to their therapist.

"I don't," Sol agreed. "Just so long as the gift is truly meant as a heartfelt expression of love and there isn't a hidden agenda behind it."

"And I'll gladly accept any gifts like that. Really," she confirmed when Ned raised an eyebrow. "I'll thank you and I won't go on and on about the cost. By the way, everything you've given to me I've treasured, Ned. I've saved every card, every little token that you've given to me since I was fifteen."

"When you left me in California, you left the jewelry behind," he muttered. 

A spark of annoyance lit up within her again. "I was angry, Ned! I had just witnessed something I never thought I'd ever see my husband do—almost sleep with another woman, with drugs in the room—and I'd had enough! Can you _blame_ me?

"But I've worn some of those pieces since," she reminded him, her voice softer this time. "And I probably will again. Everything except the big diamond and sapphire earrings and the Cartier bracelet. Honestly, they feel tainted to me, and I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable with wearing them," she admitted.  

"That's up to you; they're yours and I want you to do what you feel comfortable with. I just want to be able to give you things sometimes and not have it be a big deal, Nan."

"And I'm okay with that. As long as I don't feel like those things are meant as a substitute for your love or your affection, I'm okay with it."

"And the flowers?" her husband asked, the hint of a smile on his face. 

Her lips turned upwards. "The flowers are okay."

"Just okay?"  Now his smile was a full-fledged grin as he teased her. 

Nancy couldn't help but laugh. "More than okay." 

"See, we're making some progress here!" Sol proclaimed, rubbing his hands together. "You got mad at each other, things got a little heated, but there was no yelling, or name-calling… You each expressed your feelings in a healthy, honest way. Nice job.

"But I'm not letting you guys off the hook just yet," he warned, turning serious once more. "Ned, you've talked about how you were sick of being perceived as Mr. Nancy Drew. Beside the career opportunities available to you by taking the position and your fears about Nancy, do you think that part of your motivation for going to California was the potential to make your own mark?"

"Definitely," Ned replied without hesitation. "I loved being able to walk into a room and have people talk about _me,_ about my work. I was the one that people looked up to as a leader, the one that was sought after for advice and counsel.

"Nan, don't get me wrong; I love how smart and amazing and capable you are, and how people naturally gravitate towards you for help, just completely confident that you'll be able to provide it. But sometimes…" He paused, clearly weighing whether or not to be forthcoming. 

"Ned, go ahead, say it," Nancy prodded him gently. "I need to hear it."

"Believe me, there's nowhere else I'd want to be than by your side, but…Sometimes, Nan… it's hard to be in the shadow of your spotlight."

Spontaneously, she reached out and touched the back of his hand. "I'm sorry."

Ned looked resigned, but he didn't pull his hand away "It's just who you are; it's not like you actively seek it out, like you're an attention whore… it's just the way things are. And I never want you to apologize, or shy away from who you are. After all, you're the person I fell in love with, Nancy, and I'm so incredibly proud of you and your accomplishments—that I get to be the husband of the amazing Nancy Drew."

She looked at her husband, feeling sad. "If I'm entirely honest about it," she replied slowly, "It was a little weird for me to have our roles reversed. I mean, you were always the Big Man on Campus at Mapleton High and then again at Emerson, but whenever I was around, it was like you took a backseat."

Ned flipped his hand palm-side up, linking his fingers through Nancy's, not saying anything. 

"I… I think that it probably did bother me, on some level, that _you_ were the star. And I hate saying that because it makes me a selfish bitch, but there it is."

"No," he replied automatically. "It doesn't. It was one more change that you had to deal with, one more way that our lives were very different from the way they'd been here in Illinois." 

"Despite how much I hated everything else that happened in L.A., Ned, I was always proud of what you'd accomplished in your job. When you pulled off one amazing campaign after another, when you single-handedly charmed an impossibly difficult client and provided him with the exact thing he was looking for? I was in awe of you. And I keep saying it, but I'm sorry that I never told you this before. I was just so pissed at you about everything else that I let it consume me."

"Nan… I… Thank you. It's good to hear. I… I wish I could have heard it before, but it means a lot to have you say it now. And I hate to bring her up one more time, but I think that's part of why I was so attracted to Carly. This by no means is an excuse for what I did or how I acted, but… she was always stroking my ego, telling me how clever and smart I was, how powerful I was… I don't want to make you mad, Nancy, I swear, but…" 

"I know," she sighed. "And if I put all of my cards on the table, I think that's also why I was so damn attracted to Ben." 

Her husband wore a shuttered expression at the sound of the other man's name, but she plowed on. He had been able to spill his guts, so why shouldn't she? "When I was with Ben, he was always telling me how beautiful and smart and sexy and accomplished I was, the way you used to tell me those things. When I wasn't getting that from you anymore, it was damn nice to hear it from someone else."

Ned shook his head. "The terrible shit we did and said to each other," he marveled. "All because we stopped giving each other what we needed. Baby, let me say it right here, right now—you are gorgeous and sexy and smart and funny and an incredible investigator, and I am lucky to have you as my wife."

Nancy squeezed his hand. "Ned, let me say it right back to you—you are gorgeous and sexy and smart and funny and brilliant at advertising. "

The smile he gave her took her breath away, but she could sense a glint of mischief in his eye. "Still gonna refer to me as your husband?"

"Well, technically, legally, you still are, so…" she replied teasingly.

He chuckled. "Spoken like a true lawyer's daughter."

"Actually, that is a _great_ segue into what I wanted to talk about next, you two," Sol interjected.

Ned put his hand up over his face and let out a loud mock groan. "More? Aren't we done yet? Isn't the hour up?"

Nancy joined in the game. "I think we should just walk out," she announced in a stage whisper. "You distract him and I'll open the door."

Laughing, Sol shook his head. "I'd say that this hurts me more that it hurts you, but that would be a damn lie."

"This is a no-bullshit zone," Ned reminded the therapist quickly.

"This is the problem with reuniting you; now it's two against one. In all seriousness, though, we're making such good progress that there's just one more topic that I want to cover before we finish tonight.  Sound good?" 

Nancy and Ned both nodded, and Sol continued. "Ned, you've talked a few times about Nancy's relationship with her father and how it's always seemed to have an impact on your relationship with her. How much she relies on him and his opinions."

Ned looked over at Nancy, who had carefully composed her face into a mask. The thought of her husband criticizing her father upset her more than she wanted to let on, but she knew that they had to discuss this topic since it had been on Ned's list.

"Nan, I can see that you're already mad at me again for even bringing this up; you're trying to hide it, but your lips are pressed together so tightly that they're practically white," he correctly deduced. "You forget how well I know you."

"Fine, Ned," she replied exasperatedly, bracing herself. "Just say what you have to say."

"You know that I like and respect your father very much. I always have. He's been a great father-in-law, and he's always shown me respect in return. All along, I've known damn well that he'd never consider _anyone_ to be good enough for you—that's something that he and I both agree on—but he's never let it show. He treats me very well, like I'm a part of his family, and I'm grateful for it. 

"Sometimes, though, you worry so much about what he'll think that you let it hold you back. Or you use him as a crutch."

Nancy just looked at Ned, still not feeling like she had nearly enough control to voice her feelings just yet. If she did, she was afraid she'd start shouting and turning their otherwise productive therapy session into a shouting match.

"Ned, can you give Nancy a few examples of what you mean?" Sol prompted him.

"Nan, before we were married, we fooled around.  We loved each other, we'd pledged to spend our lives together, but you weren't ready to take that final step of going all the way until we were actually man and wife.

"Now, I know you had a lot of reasons, and that was fine. But one of the big ones was because you didn't want to let your father down—because he'd taught you to wait for marriage, and you were worried about what he'd think if he somehow found out that we had been together before we walked down the aisle.  I mean, even when he found your lingerie while we were engaged, you were freaked out."

Nancy couldn't hold back any longer. "What, like you wanted your parents to know about it if we'd been screwing before we were married?" she snapped.

"It wouldn't have been a big deal to me, Nan. Yeah, they probably wouldn't have been thrilled, but since we were both of legal age, there wouldn't have been a damn thing they could have done about it. Honestly, they probably already figured that we _were_ doing it, especially since we'd been together for so long."

Nancy clucked her tongue in exasperation. "You're a guy—it's different for you!" 

"Nan, it wouldn't have mattered," Ned argued. "We were in a serious relationship, in love… why should it have mattered what they thought?"

"Ned, I'm going to stop you," Sol intervened. "We'll definitely talk about the evolution of your sexual relationship in another session, but let's get back to what you just said a minute ago. You said that Nancy uses her father as a crutch. What did you mean?"

Her husband looked as if he were carefully measuring his words. "Nan, I understand why you and your dad are so close—I mean, it was just the two of you for so long. He raised you like you were his little partner, confiding in you about his cases, and it's completely evident to anyone who's spent two minutes with your father that he absolutely adores you.  

"That said… it's amazing to me how when you're around him, you become a kid again, Nan. You worry about what he thinks, what he'll say. Hell, I know that if he hadn't approved of me, you wouldn't have continued our relationship. You would have ended things rather than upset your father, no matter how you really felt about me."

"It's a moot point, Ned. You said yourself that Dad's been very, very good to you over the years," Nancy pointed out, fighting to keep her voice even. "He's always liked you and has been nothing but nice to you."

"I did say that," Ned acknowledged, "because it's true. But there are also other things, too, Nan. It bothers you when he has relationships with women because you're worried that they'll somehow take your place in his heart. The fact that you're a grown woman with your own life and your own spouse aside, I know that could never, ever happen, baby. He lost the love of his life, and all he has left of her is you, and you will always be the most precious, most important thing in the world to him.

"I just wish that you didn't rely on him so damn much. Ever since we started dating, you always quote him and talk about him—again, I get it, because he was your only parent for virtually all of your life. Honestly, though, you are so strong and fierce in your own right that it's weird for me to see you act this way when it comes to your dad. That's all."

"Nancy, you haven't really said much. I know you're holding back," Sol's voice cut in. "I can tell you're biting your tongue over there."

The words burst forth before she could stop them. "He was all I had! Ned, he had to be both my mom and my dad, all rolled into one! Can you blame me for being so attached to him?"

"Of course not, honey," Ned said quietly. "But you're an adult now. When we fight about stuff, your first instinct shouldn't be to threaten me with your famous lawyer daddy. I'm your husband, and our relationship should only be about the two of us."

Nancy shook her head angrily, trying to ignore the truth in her husband's words. "That was one damn fight, Ned, and a fucking brutal one at that. You make it sound like an everyday occurrence."

"I never said that," he corrected her, still maddeningly calm. "But… it happened often enough. And forget anyone saying anything even the slightest bit negative about him; after all, look what's happening tonight while we talk about this. He can't ever do anything wrong—and I'm not saying he has," he quickly interjected.

"I don't—"

"You do," Ned volleyed back. "Nan, you do."

"Nancy, do you know that expression ‘perception is reality'?" When she nodded, warily, Sol continued. "Well, even if you disagree, Ned's perception is that you rely too heavily on your father, that you care too much about his opinion. And since he's your partner in this relationship, his perception is his reality."

"I don't know why I do it," she admitted after a moment of silence. "I just… it was just... He was the only person I had for so long. I love Hannah, don't get me wrong, but it's not the same thing. And he was—is—a good father, the best father I ever could have asked for."

"I know," Ned replied gently. "Like I said, it's absolutely clear that you are everything to him and that he would lay down his life for you. In fact, I think that's probably why Carson has been so accepting of me, because he knows that I'd do the same in an instant, in a heartbeat."

Nancy considered his suggestion. "Maybe. But even though you're an only child like I am, it was different for me. For all intents and purposes, it was just Dad and me. He sacrificed so much of his personal life to give me all of his attention, all of his love. I just love him so much, and I'm so proud of him. He's so important to me, Ned." She felt tears spring to her eyes. 

"I know he is, baby." Ned patted her hand reassuringly. "And I'd never ask you to stop seeing him or stop talking about him. All I ask is that you think about the ways you sometimes insert him into our relationship. When something happens, I should be the one you tell first or run stuff by."

Nancy studied her husband's face, the seriousness in his expression telling her just how important this seemed to be to him. "Okay," she whispered. "I can try."

"Thank you, Nan," Ned replied simply. "That's all I ask."

"A good end to a good session," Sol proclaimed. "And since I think I've put the two of you through enough tonight, we'll end here."

\--

"So, Nan… Are you free on Friday night?" Ned asked her once they were standing in front of their cars in the office building's parking lot.

Nancy shook her head, but Ned was comforted by the genuine regret he could see on her face. "I'm sorry, but I have plans." He didn't push her to elaborate, but she went ahead and did anyway. "Mark is in town."

"Oh, that's nice," he replied, feeling relieved. At least it wasn't a date with someone else. "So are you going out with him and Steven?"

"No, Steven's still in Iowa. They've been having some… difficulties lately," Nancy replied vaguely.

"Seems to be going around," he commented wryly before he could stop himself.

If Nancy was offended by his response, she didn't let it show. "Yeah. Anyway, he's going to be in town on business and we're going to have dinner together."

"Commiserate about your husband troubles?" _What the hell is wrong with you?_ Ned berated himself. _It's like you're deliberately trying to pick a fight with her when all you wanted was to ask her out!_

"No," she replied emphatically. "Mark told me that he doesn't want to talk about his relationship—he just wants to have some fun with a friend. I told him it was fine by me."

"So, what about Saturday, then?" Ned asked, shifting the conversation back to his original topic.

He watched Nancy consider his offer. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

"We can go or do anything you want, Nan. All I care about is spending more time with you."

"Can I get back to you on that?"

"Of course," he shrugged easily. "Just let me know what time and where you want to go, and I'll come pick you up."

"Great."

Before he could stop himself, Ned leaned forward, putting his face close to hers. "Can I kiss you good night?" he whispered.

Nancy's swallow was audible. "Yes," she murmured.

The press of her lips against his was so sweet that he didn't want to pull back. When he finally did, it was reluctantly.

He would have given anything, would have gotten down on his knees to beg her to let him come home with her. But Ned knew that it would be a mistake, one that he couldn't risk making.

"Good night, gorgeous. I can't wait until Saturday," he told her, clearing his throat after hearing how husky his voice sounded.

"Good night, Ned," she replied almost shyly as she got into her car. 

He stayed in the parking lot until she pulled out, watching her car's taillights get smaller in the distance. With a sigh, Ned started his ignition and headed for his apartment.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

"Wow," Nancy said, tucking her gloved hands a little deeper into her coat as she and Mark maneuvered through the crowd and out onto the sidewalk. Many of the faces around them were still alight from the end of the improv show, and she heard an echo of a few of the more distinctive laughs she had heard during the performance, too. "I can't believe I've lived here so long and I waited so long to do that."

"See?" Mark said with a grin. "Just what we needed, right?"

Nancy gave him a small smile. "Pretty much," she replied. "Laughter is the best medicine, isn't it? Or revenge..."

"Ahhh," Mark told her, shaking his head. "Can't think that way. Plus, if we're repeating conventional wisdom... candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." He nodded at the well-lit bar half a block up. "I seem to suddenly be remembering that you owe me a drink..."

She scrunched up her face in mock annoyance. "I think you owe _me_ a drink," she told him. "Dragging me out here, freezing my ass off..."

"Your _tiny_ ass, you mean," Mark said, leading the way to the bar. "You practically have the cheekbones of a French model, Nancy—and I don't exactly mean that to be a compliment."

Nancy glanced over at him, shrugging a little. "I'm all right," she told him. "Although I think the list of topics we'd rather keep off the table is probably longer than the allowed ones, isn't it?"

"So what does that leave us with? The weather, politics, and Lagerfeld's fall collection?"

"Two out of three isn't bad," she replied teasingly. She shivered with delight as she walked into the warm interior of the bar, with Mark following her. She hated that it felt like spring was never going to come, like she would never be warm again.

Nancy bought the first round, and Mark the second. Even though they had sworn that they wouldn't talk about what was on their minds, that they would just concentrate on having a good time and relaxing for the night, Nancy couldn't help but think about Ned. He would have loved the show she and Mark had just seen.

And the thought of him going out with someone else tonight the way she was...

She had no say about his life, and he was free to do as he pleased. She knew that. She didn't want him holed up in his apartment, alone and miserable, tonight or ever. But she remembered the other friends he had in the area, what they had seen during the party they had attended together, and wondered if maybe he wasn't quite ready for that yet.

By the end of the night, Nancy and Mark had started playing a game with each other. She didn't want to talk about California and Mark didn't want to talk about Iowa, but they were still in a completely irreverent mood from the improv show, so he told her that for the last six months she had been in training for a top-secret interstellar mission to finally prove the existence of extra-terrestrial intelligence, and she told him that he had been cast in a new, experimental off-Broadway show that required grueling training and massive amounts of insurance. After the next round they decided that the show was _about_ space, and Nancy was a consultant, and they would be taking the show on tour and the main setpiece would be a real rocket launch. What happened after that was kind of a blur, thanks to the half-off brainhammers.

Nancy woke on the couch in her living room on Saturday morning, an open bottle of aspirin on the coffee table in front of her, a small pool of water at the bottom of a drinking glass. She reached up and rubbed her forehead, grimacing when her palm came away smeared with makeup. She hadn't taken her makeup off. She remembered that she and Mark had been falling all over each other and laughing as they left the bar, and she had been happy—but her joy had felt hollow at the center, waiting.

Shit.

Nancy reached for her phone and found an unread text message from Ned. She groaned when she saw that he had been responding to one she had sent, very late the night before.

_we shd go singing!!!! wd b funnnn ;(D_

_Karaoke it is, Nan. :)_

She let her hand fall back to her chest and her head fall back onto the cushion behind her, groaning again. She had been thinking about Ned, and she apparently hadn't been able to stop herself. She supposed she was lucky that her message had been something fairly innocent, and not a drunk-dial booty call, given how much she had missed sharing her bed with him lately.

She sighed, wincing as her head began to pound in earnest. She was nowhere near ready to be with him full-time again, but his behavior during their therapy sessions and his eagerness to date her again really did seem genuine.

What was frightening her was what would happen later, when he was no longer trying to impress her or win her back. Whenever he tried to remind her of the way things had been between them, for Nancy the memory was bittersweet. She missed who he had been so much, and as desperately as she wanted to believe that he had begun to move past who he had become, she was still afraid.

If she let herself fall in love with him again, and he hurt her again the way he had, over and over while they were in California...

Nancy groaned as she shook her head, and that only made her nascent hangover worse. With the last bit of strength she possessed, she pushed herself up off the couch and forced herself to go upstairs, grabbing the aspirin bottle on the way. She was going to have to sleep the majority of her hangover away if she was going out with her husband tonight, and she was in no way in the mood to sing.

\--

Ned pulled up five minutes early, even though he had tried his best to just be on time. He was so eager to see her that he hadn't been able to help herself.

She had sounded so pitiful when he had called to confirm their plans, and when he asked if she had overindulged the night before, she admitted that she had. He offered to postpone their date, even though it had killed him to do it, but after a brief pause she had told him that she would be all right.

Even though he was nervous about what might happen that night, he was glad she had said she didn't want to postpone. He had been psyching himself up all day long, and not seeing her would have been incredibly disappointing.

She had always liked the charcoal-grey sweater he wore, and Ned brushed off the lapels of his coat before he slid out of the car. He rang the doorbell and stepped back, feeling yet again the strange cognitive dissonance of ringing the doorbell of the home he had once shared with her, the home he hoped he would soon be sharing with her again.

Then she opened the door for him, stepping back so he could come inside, out of the cold. He had debated whether to bring her flowers again, remembering how she had said she appreciated the ones he had given her, and he hoped he had made the right decision.

"Hi," she said, giving him a small smile. "Sorry. Let me get my coat..."

She wore a soft scoopneck sweater with loose sleeves and a pair of belted black jeans with low boots. She pulled out one of her heavier wool coats, but he caught her gaze lingering on the container in his hands.

"Hey," he replied. "Look, if you aren't feeling up to it... we could just stay here, veg out on the couch. It's not a big deal." He gave her a small smile. "I even sweet-talked my mom into making some soup for you."

"You mean that's not courtesy Campbell's?" she asked, and while her smile was weak, it was genuine.

"It's the real thing. Guaranteed to make you feel better."

"Thanks," she said softly, and she took it out of his hand, then vanished into the kitchen to put it away. "But it's okay. I'll be all right, and I've been wallowing in the house long enough."

"So Mark's doing okay?"

Nancy reached up and lightly touched her forehead as she and Ned began to walk down the front path, toward his car. "I think he was hating life as much as I was earlier, but at least he survived our night of mutual alcohol poisoning. Ugh."

"Soft drinks tonight, then."

"Definitely."

Even though he could tell that Nancy was still trying to shake the last aftereffects of her hangover, she did finish off her bowl of soup and half-sandwich at the bistro where they went for dinner, and to reward her he bought one of the large soft chocolate-chip cookies in the bistro's display case. They split it in half and finished it off during the drive to the piano bar they had visited together with Mark and Steven and the rest of their friends what felt like a lifetime before.

"So you planning on getting on stage again tonight, Nan?"

She shook her head. "Just going to enjoy it," she told him. "Preferably from a little quiet area in the room where we can talk about how your plans for the agency are going."

Ned gave her a happy smile. "Well, I've been thinking about that idea you gave me last week," he admitted. "And I'd be glad to hear any other suggestions you come up with."

She gave him a half-smile. "I feel like I'm at quarter-power, but I'll do my best," she told him, patting his arm.

They had to scout around to find a good seat, and Ned took Nancy's drink order and went to the bar. The blue binder holding the player's list was there, and Ned flipped through it, his heart in his throat until he found what he was looking for—and then he felt even more anxious, though he wasn't sure how that was remotely possible.

He returned to their table with a glass of cranberry juice with an orange twist for her and a soda for him. She had her coat off, although she still had her scarf wrapped around her neck; her sweater was a deep turquoise that set off her beautiful eyes.

He put her drink down on the table in front of her. "I haven't mentioned how gorgeous you are tonight, have I," he murmured.

She glanced up at him as he sat down, her lips slightly parted, and a faint pleased blush colored her cheeks. "Oh, it's nothing," she said, immediately protesting. "I don't think I've mentioned how much I love that sweater you're wearing, either."

He reached for her hand. "Thank you, Nan. I know you probably feel pretty awful right now... and it means a lot to me that you came out with me tonight."

"It was the sweater," she told him, a soft smile on her lips. "That was what did it."

"Mmm," he replied. He didn't know what it was, but whenever he was around her, even though he was worried that she might still be skittish, he couldn't help it, and he wondered if a part of him was testing her. He had been trying to limit it to his letters, but tonight, after what he had been thinking about all day...

"I hate being away from you," he told her, still holding her hand. "And I guess it's good, right? I never realized how much I need to be around you, before. But when I'm finally able to see you, it's like you're the only sunshine I've seen all week. When I have to say good night to you—God, it feels like pulling my heart in half."

Nancy's gaze was steady on his, and he saw the faint trace of tears above her lower lashes. She didn't reply, though, and he hated not knowing what she was thinking, whether she just pitied him, whether she felt the same way but was afraid to say anything.

Finally her gaze dropped, and when she released his hand, Ned let her go. "I... I miss you too," she told him, and reached for her glass to take a long sip of her drink. "But we weren't talking about me, we were talking about you, and your new firm."

As their conversations usually did, they ended up pinballing a little, going between Ned's plans and Nancy's recent experience at work. When Nancy admitted she was actually feeling a little hungry, Ned's heart rose a little. Maybe she was finally starting to get her appetite back, although he was sure her hangover had made eating difficult earlier. He flagged down a waitress and Nancy ordered mozzarella sticks, hoping they would be mild enough to keep her stomach calm. When she offered Ned one, he actually shook his head, and she raised her eyebrows at him.

"You feeling all right, Nickerson?"

"Guess I had a bigger piece of that cookie than I thought," he joked, although in truth the anxiety in his stomach had managed to sap his appetite.

That anxiety spiked a thousandfold when Ned heard his cue, and Nancy gazed at him as he stood. "I'll be right back," he told her with a smile.

At first, when she had texted him about karaoke, given the lateness of the hour and her abysmal spelling, Ned had dismissed it as a drunken idea she might regret in the morning—but it had grown on him. Before, when they had tried to make their long-distance relationship work, she had stood on that stage and poured her heart out for him, in front of everyone; he had never returned the favor. Then he had thought back through all the songs that were significant to their relationship, and he figured it out.

It was perfect. His anxiety made him worry that he would sound like total shit while he was singing, but he had been told before that he had a pleasant singing voice, even if he mostly used it to sing along with the radio during the morning commute. He was hoping that the thought would count, even if the performance was lacking.

From the stage, Ned could see to where his wife was sitting, could see how wide her blue eyes were. "This song is for my wife," he told the crowd, then cleared his throat. "The beautiful, incredibly sexy, insanely smart and funny and amazing woman who came here with me tonight. Baby, I know the last year's been hard, harder than either of us ever dreamed—but I wanted to do this for you. Maybe we—I—lost the way for a little while, but we'll find it again. I know we will."

He swallowed and glanced down, gathering every last shred of his courage.

"Oh, my love, my darling  
I've hungered for your touch  
A long, lonely time  
And time goes by so slowly  
And time can do so much  
Are you still mine...  
I need your love  
I need your love  
God speed your love to me  
Lonely rivers flow  
To the sea, to the sea  
To the open arms of the sea  
Lonely rivers sigh  
Wait for me, wait for me  
I'll be coming home, wait for me..."

By then Ned could hear the voices in the crowd, most of them at least touched by inebriation, rising to sing the words along with him as the volume of the music rose to a crescendo, but he didn't care. All he cared about was the woman whose gaze he held across that crowded room.

"Oh, my love, my darling,  
I've hungered, hungered for your touch  
A long, lonely time  
And time goes by so slowly  
And time can do so much,  
Are you still mine?  
I need your love, I  
I need your love  
God speed your love to me." 

When he put the microphone down, he ignored the calls and the smattering of applause from the crowd and went straight back to her, his heart pounding. He felt almost high, but he hadn't done anything to cause it, anything other than sing to her.

"Ned," she whispered, when he sat down at their table again, and he reached for her hand.

He smiled at her. "I... when we were on the island for our honeymoon, I came downstairs and heard you singing that in the kitchen," he told her, softly. "So softly you were almost just humming it. And you were so beautiful, just as beautiful as you are right now, and I loved you so much, so perfectly, so completely that I thought my heart might break with it. Just the way I love you right now.

"I need you, baby. I need _us_."

She laced her fingers through his, taking slow breaths. "I didn't know you heard me," she whispered. "Oh my God." With her other hand she reached up and gingerly dashed a tear away from her lower lashes.

"Did you like it?" he asked her.

She nodded rapidly. "That meant a lot to me," she told him. "I know how scary it was when I got up there to do that, and I was drunk..." She squeezed his hand. "And you sounded so good up there, too."

Ned smiled at her, then ducked his head. "I meant it," he told her softly.

When their eyes met again, a frisson of awareness went down his spine, and he felt just as nervous as he had the very first time he had ever wanted to kiss her. He reached up and touched her cheek, stroking his thumb against her soft skin, and she searched his eyes.

"That was sooooo sweet!"

The spell was broken as Nancy and Ned glanced up at the clearly drunk blonde woman who had bumped into their table. "Is this her?" the woman gushed, glancing over at Nancy.

Ned nodded. "Yes."

"Oh, but she doesn't have a _ring_! Oh no!"

They were saved from replying when the blonde woman's date came over and apologized for her, guiding her away. Ned squeezed Nancy's hand again, and she cleared her throat. "That meant a lot to me," she told him, and released his hand. "Now, have your nerves settled enough for you to have a mozzarella stick?"

Ned smiled at her as she offered him the basket. "You know me too well, Drew," he told her as he took one.

She shrugged. "Sometimes," she said softly.

They only stayed for half an hour after that, and then Ned admitted that he actually was hungry too. They decided to go to a hamburger place they had frequented since high school, since they had started dating. The restaurant was thirty minutes away from closing and only a few customers lingered over baskets of perfectly crispy fries and juicy hamburgers. Ned ordered a bacon cheeseburger with sautéed mushrooms, and Nancy only ordered a diet cherry cola made with sugar-free syrup, telling him that the mozzarella sticks had filled her up.

"You're looking better," he told her, as they sat down to wait for his order to be prepared. "I'm glad your appetite has come back."

"Me too," Nancy said with a smile. "Of course, eating at Chez Louis didn't hurt at all."

He smiled at her. "It really was delicious. Speaking of... do you mind if I make reservations for next weekend? Whichever night works for you."

She paused. "Yeah," she said softly. "Saturday night should be okay. Jeans or satin?"

Ned met her eyes and held her gaze. "I'd be lying if I told you I didn't want to see you all dressed up again, but I know you'll look beautiful no matter what, sweetheart."

Nancy swallowed and looked away. The last time she had really dressed up for a night out with him had been in California, and he hoped she wasn't thinking about that, but just then the server arrived with Ned's order, his burger and a basket of piping-hot fries.

Ned sighed happily as he looked down at his burger, but he reached for Nancy's hand. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she murmured. "Sorry. It's just... well, I'm still a little hungover and you sang that song, and... I'm okay."

"We don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to," he told her. "I just thought that if you liked going to Chez Louis..."

"I did. And it's all right." She gave him a brief smile, then reached for her soda.

As they waited for his meal to cool down, they talked some more about his plans for the agency. Most of the clients Ned had encountered in his work knew that they wanted something unique and eye-catching and appealing to potential customers, but pinpointing exactly what that was could be tricky. The most gifted creative guy Ned had ever met was in London now, but Ned remembered the name of a guy who had worked with him and was trying to track him down.

"We need a niche," Ned said. "Something the new agency can do that the others can't—or at least can't do as well."

"It will have _you_ ," Nancy pointed out. "So you're already ahead."

Ned smiled as Nancy snatched one of his fries and bit it in half. "Thank you," he said quietly. "I—that means a lot to me, Nan."

"It's true," she told him with a smile. "I... I'm sorry I stopped telling you that. I guess a part of me... well, I was jealous of all the time you were spending at work, and I..." She picked up another fry and considered it before taking a thoughtful bite. "We were so miserable that seeing any silver lining in our life there just... I couldn't. It felt like you were working for the sake of working, just to be away from me, and I resented that, I resented that it was like you were married to someone else, and that other person was your work."

Ned swallowed. "And you think I haven't felt like that too?" he pointed out, and clenched his fist on the table to stop himself. He didn't want to start a fight. They had spent a pleasant evening together and he didn't want her to start feeling nervous or unhappy at the thought of dating him or being around him.

After a moment, Nancy sighed. "Point taken," she said quietly. "But every time you came home and told me about some amazing campaign you were involved in, how much the client loved it... I saw how happy it made you, and how..." She took a deep breath. "How you seemed to begrudge the time you spent at home with me, and I thought that if you had to choose, you would choose the work."

Ned shook his head. "Come here," he asked her, and she slid out of her side of the booth to join him on his as he scooted over. He put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head against him, but she was quiet.

"I hate that you felt that way," he murmured. "But it's not like I have some finite amount of love and I can only give you so much of it. Time and attention, yeah, and I really fucking fell down on that when it came to you.

"I feel like I've woken up from some nightmare, like someone I don't know just... just stepped into my life and tried to break everything that had ever brought me joy or made me happy. That—that guy I turned into. I hate him. I hate him for ever making you cry. I hate him for bringing us to this. I hate him because he hurt the one person I could never live without. I hate him..." Ned swallowed again. "Because there's a pain in your eyes I've never seen there before, and I have to fucking live with the knowledge that I did that. That the guy I let myself become, did that to you."

Nancy sighed. "And I've been so angry at you, at who you were out there..." She took a shivering breath, and her voice was quiet, trembling a little when she spoke again. "Ned, if I... if we do this again... I turned into someone else too, thanks to all this, and I don't know... I don't know if I can be who I was before. My heart has never been broken, the way you broke it..."

He rested his cheek against the crown of her head. "Well, Sol said we wouldn't be who we were," he said softly. "But maybe, eventually, we'll be better than we were. Because now that I know what I have to lose... baby, I will fight for you, for _us_. To the last breath in my body and the last ounce of my strength. We've come too far not to."

Nancy patted his knee, and after a long moment, she moved back to her side of the booth. Ned took a large bite of his burger as Nancy pulled a napkin out of the dispenser and gently patted under her eyes to wipe away the trace of tears. While their embrace hadn't been nearly long enough for Ned, he still felt a warmth that only came from having her in his arms.

They ended up talking and grazing from his basket of fries until the restaurant closed, and then he reluctantly drove her home, but they just sat in the car and kept talking, the way they had when she still lived at his father's house and neither of them had wanted the night to be over just yet. She finally, reluctantly told him that she needed to go inside, and he zipped up his coat and walked her to the front door.

"Thanks," she told him, once they reached it. "For taking me back there and doing something so nice for me."

He embraced her, lifting her so their faces were level, and she slipped her arms around his neck. The night was cold, but as long as he was with her, he didn't care. "If you want me to do something for you and it's in my power, I will," he told her. "I just want to make you happy again, Nan. And I know it's selfish, but ever since we met, for all these years... I've always wanted you to be happy with _me_. So I'd get down on my knees center field before the Emerson homecoming game and serenade you in front of that entire crowd, if that's what you wanted. I'd take you shopping and carry your bags for you. I'd even promise to _not_ punch Frank Hardy in the face the next time I saw him."

She chuckled softly. "That is very generous of you," she said. "Can I take a raincheck on that? I think it might be very useful later."

He nodded, leaning forward until the tip of his nose was against hers. "Just say the word, sweetheart," he murmured.

She took a breath and closed her eyes, tilting her head, and when their lips met she slipped her fingers into his hair and Ned felt a shiver go down his spine.

His body had always, always responded to her proximity in a way that he had never felt with anyone else. Nancy was the first woman he had ever loved, the only woman he had ever loved, and her body was familiar to his, even now, even though he could feel that she still was more slender than she had been. When he had learned how to express his desire to her and with her, it was as though he was keyed to her and her alone.

For so long, for years now, a kiss was always a prelude to more. With every stroke of their tongues, every second they stayed clinging to each other, the imperative of that knowledge felt all the stronger. It was only their second date, and he was sure she wouldn't want things to go any further, but apparently the rest of him wasn't aware of that.

Nancy pulled away from him with a soft audible pop, but when he tipped forward again she returned his next kiss. He heard a quiet moan and discovered he was pressing her against the front door, and he ducked in to kiss her earlobe. She shivered against him in response. "Ned," she whispered.

"Yes," he replied, bringing his head up and looking into her eyes. Her own were low-lidded, her lips parted, a faint blush in her cheeks. He didn't have the nerve to ask her for control, not with things so fragile between them, but God was it tempting. God, if she were to whisper her consent...

"Good night," she whispered, her gaze flicking from his lips back up to his eyes.

"Good night," he replied, but before releasing her he pressed his lips to hers one last time. She didn't resist it or pull away from him, and he heard a soft sound that was almost a whimper when they finally broke the kiss.

He was aware that they probably weren't ready, in terms of their relationship and where they were with therapy, to sleep together again, but it was part of everything he wanted. He wanted the life that had been stolen from him back again, and that meant her. It meant sleeping beside her, waking up to her, sharing meals and dreams and accounts of their days with each other. It meant making love to her. It meant having his wife back again.

He gently placed her back on her feet and she was still gazing up at him. For a second Ned held his breath, wondering if she would invite him inside, almost willing her to, but she finally glanced down and took a step back from him.

"Thursday," she said, with a nod, like she was reminding herself.

Ned nodded in response, then brushed one last kiss against her cheek. "Thursday," he repeated.

Five days. He supposed that he couldn't complain about five days when, not so long ago, the darkness he felt without her was going to be the rest of his life.

\--

Nancy wasn't sure why she felt so good on Monday morning. Maybe because she was finally completely hangover-free. Maybe because she was headed back to work, and that almost always made her happy. She didn't want to think it was because she was a day closer to Saturday and her next date with Ned, but it was a distinct possibility.

After their karaoke date, when he had walked her to the door and kissed her, her head had been spinning, and the impulse she felt to invite him in for a coffee and all that might come after had been strong. She had resisted it, though, telling herself that no matter how intense the physical attraction between them was, she didn't want to introduce the complicating factor of sex into their fragile relationship yet.

But he had sung to her.

And oh, how it had come back. They had crossed several lines while they were dating and engaged, had come so close to having sex, but they hadn't lost their virginity to each other until their wedding night. Their honeymoon had been the beginning of their life together, and every moment they were awake she had spent almost drunk with joy and curiosity and anticipation. She had been overjoyed the first time their lovemaking had brought her to orgasm, but then she had been so happy every time they made love, knowing that she no longer had to feel guilty or ashamed of having let him touch her and kiss her and stroke her, bringing her such incredible pleasure.

She had been waiting for him for so long, and it was right.

They had both been so naive, so inexperienced, but she had loved that they were learning together. She had loved that when he slipped inside her, the joy he shared with her had been shared with no one else. No other woman knew what it was like to make love to her husband, just as no other man knew what it was like to make love to her. It was a fathomless secret only they shared.

And that feeling came back to her, the love tinged with only wonder and longing, no pain or fear. She remembered who she had been with no rancor, that girl who had stood in the sunny kitchen on the island, her heart so full of joy that she had barely been able to contain it, humming the same words Ned had sung to her Saturday night.

And when she remembered who _he_ had been, it really had been like a dream.

The man Ned had become while he was in California truly had been like a stranger to her, and when Ned swore he hated that stranger just as she did, she didn't know how to feel. _Her_ Ned hadn't done such terrible things to her; he couldn't. _Her_ Ned had stood on stage and sung "Unchained Melody" to her.

But she didn't know where that stranger had gone, and that still hurt. The man who had killed a piece of her no longer existed.

She prayed with all her heart he was gone for good, now. But she didn't know if the next slug of scotch, the next offer of coke, would be enough to bring him back.

That fear had given way to longing. She knew that they couldn't go back, but Ned was trying to do the next best thing... and she had heard the sincerity in his voice when he had told her that maybe what they could have would be better. Maybe her heart had never been broken like this before, but as they tried to rebuild their relationship, she found she was almost helpless in the face of her desperation. Now that she had so cautiously begun to let him back in, the armor she had never needed to wear around him before was beginning to crack.

She was smiling when she drove into the city that morning, scanning through the radio stations, and she had heard the same bright pop song three separate times when she finally settled on an almost monotonal account of the top news stories of the day.

"Jury selection is slated to begin today in the Blake Whitney murder trial. The former actor is—"

Nancy stabbed the power button twice with her finger, missing the first time, and the interior of the car went quiet immediately, so suddenly that her ears throbbed with the echo of that almost bored voice.

_Blake Whitney_.

After a few deep breaths Nancy pressed the button to play the CD already loaded into the in-dash stereo, but her heart was pounding.

Bess and George, even Ned, had always been surprised that all Nancy's dreams weren't nightmares. She had been through considerably more than her fair share of scary, life-threatening, trauma-inducing situations. But she supposed it was a form of self-defense, that she didn't remember all her dreams, and many of them seemed mundane or bizarre instead of frightening.

She wasn't asleep, though. And, somehow, that was worse. She wondered if she would be called by any of the investigators or attorneys working on the case, but she had turned over her tape recording as evidence and had been assured that her written signed statement was enough. God, she hoped it was. She didn't want to set foot in the state of California ever again if she could help it.

And if Ben were involved, and if he used the case as an excuse to call her, knowing she had been involved...

Nancy was relieved when she walked in and immediately had three assignments, one of which was a late-afternoon trailing. A man was suspected of cheating on his wife, and the wife believed that his Monday-afternoon "gym visits" were just an excuse to explain why he was freshly showered and late coming home.

Her first two assignments went smoothly enough, and mostly involved her being on the phone. When she walked by the lunchroom around midday, the news anchor, staring with somber gravity into the camera, said that the jury selection had indeed begun on the murder trial, and apparently Blake Whitney's defense strategy was to stick to the original story. It had been a terrible accident, but only that, an accident; he was supposedly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and concerned family members were talking about rehabilitation and treatment.

All rehab would do to him, Nancy thought, was keep him sober and more guarded about who he talked to and what he said. It wouldn't change the fact of who he was; no circumstance, no passage of time between, could do that.

Nancy tried to hold onto that good mood she had been in when she had opened her eyes that morning, but it was hard. Thinking about Blake Whitney—and a few people in her office somehow knew she had been involved in the investigation that had resulted in his arrest, but then she worked with investigators—was all tangled up with how terrible things between her and Ned had been at the time, how afraid she had been that night...

On the way out to a surveillance job Nancy realized she hadn't grabbed the rechargeable batteries on her way out, and she stopped at a drugstore. She was just standing in line behind two chatting women when her cell phone began to ring.

One of the women was holding a floppy doll clad in a pink dress, her yarn hair in pigtails, and Nancy was focused on it as she answered the phone. Her throat felt thick.

She remembered a time when her first impulse would have been to call Ned, and how they had pulled apart until he had no longer been the first person she sought for support or reassurance. Now, though, she just felt foolish, and afraid that if she told Ned why she felt like she was about to come out of her own skin, he would just turn it into another argument.

But that feeling didn't leave her. Her assignment to track the husband to confirm his "gym" trips was postponed a week when said husband was called home for an emergency, and at four-forty-five, Nancy was sitting at her desk, no prospects for the night, dreading the idea of going home. Thanks to the memory of her hangover, she didn't want to go out for drinks with anyone. She considered calling Bess and George, but she knew that if she saw them, she would tell them about the date she and Ned had had on Saturday night, and for some reason she didn't quite understand, she didn't want to share it yet. Even though Ned had performed in front of a crowded bar, it still felt like something he had done only for her, like only the two of them knew about it.

It had meant a lot to her that he would do it, and the thought of George rolling her eyes and saying that no number of touching gestures could change what he had done to her... just the thought of it made Nancy cringe and ache in something like sympathy.

God, she hadn't realized how completely she _needed_ this to work. She needed her husband. She needed the man she had loved for so long. And now that Ned was closer to being that person again...

Nancy took a deep breath. She had responded to the text Ned had sent that morning, wishing her a good day, and she picked up her phone again and considered what she should say.

_Hope ur Monday is going well._

That seemed innocuous enough.

At five-oh-one Nancy was shutting her computer down when her phone began to ring. "Hello?"

"Hi," Ned replied. "It hasn't been too bad, but I have to hang out here for another fifteen minutes. How was your day?"

"It was..." _Awful. Just awful._ "All right. My night suddenly opened up."

"You wouldn't want to come over and hang out, would you," Ned said, and there was only the hint of a question in his voice. "I was going to go back to my place and heat up the leftover baked ziti from last night. Trying to save up so I can spring for a hot date on Saturday night."

"Sure hope she's worth it," Nancy said lightly, gently teasing him.

"She definitely is," he told her. "And you're welcome to come over. Tonight or anytime."

Nancy paused. "I don't know," she said softly. She wanted to see him, but she didn't want to have a fight about Blake Whitney and her job... but if she went to the house, that tension crawling just under her skin wouldn't be kept there by the presence of other people. When she felt like this, before, she had always gone to him or asked him to come to her, and even if his presence hadn't changed anything, at least it had helped.

"No pressure," Ned replied, after he waited a moment. "But I'll pick up some garlic bread on the way if that'll sweeten the deal."

Nancy made her decision. "I"ll get the garlic bread, since I'm about to leave," she told him. "Some of that really great garlic cheese bread you like."

Ned chuckled. "I can't wait," he told her.

While she was at the grocery store, Nancy strolled by the wine bottles, but she was in no mood for that and didn't think Ned would want the reminder, either. At the checkout, as she was waiting for the customer in front of her to finish checking out, she glanced idly over at the candy and gum on display and noticed a chocolate peanut butter candy bar she knew Ned liked. On impulse she picked up two and tossed them onto the conveyor belt.

When she had been packing up all his belongings, she had been hurt and angry, and she had made sure that every single item that was his, everything that reminded her of him, was gone. She had been preparing to cut him out of her life entirely, and she had even boxed up the clothes that she wore for him, all of it, especially the blue dress he had always loved to see on her. When she checked the pantry at her house, she saw chamomile tea and canned vegetables, not creme-filled sandwich cookies or pancake mix. His beers weren't in the refrigerator anymore, but neither were the other things he liked.

Some days, that absence was all it took to make her feel hollow. That today, on top of the reminder about Whitney, the doll... their house felt emptier without him, without _them_ to fill it.

Driving to their old neighborhood actually sent a small shiver down her spine. She almost felt as though she would somehow see herself seven years earlier, fresh-faced and eager and unafraid, taking the stairs two at a time in her impatience to see her new husband again. God, back then... they had grumbled together about the chairs, the scratched coffee table and the hand-me-down couch, but their friends hadn't cared about that when they had come over on the weekends to hang out, and she looked back at that time with such a pang it almost hurt.

Ned had given her a key to his apartment, and once she had accepted it, she had no longer wanted to change the locks on the house to keep him out, although she honestly hadn't considered it for long. Walking up the stairs to his current apartment was like walking back in time. Even before they had lived together in the apartment house, she had come to visit him before and during their engagement, and she felt that same breathless anticipation again.

She had seen him two days earlier; missing him this much seemed foolish, but then they had been together and happy for so long that two days felt like a lifetime. On their wedding day, she had let herself believe that she would never be alone again, and for the longest time she had thought she wouldn't be.

She was just digging in her purse, her shopping bag in her other hand, when Ned arrived. "I was hoping to beat you here," Ned said, but he was clearly pleased to see her. He already had his key out, and he gave her a kiss on the cheek before he unlocked the door.

"So... welcome to my place."

Crossing the threshold felt like a concession, and her heart was beating faster as she stepped inside, but for the first time all day she was approaching something like equilibrium. Ned looked very handsome in his charcoal suit, pale blue shirt and patterned tie, and once he had hung up his coat he offered to take hers.

As he set the oven to preheat and excused himself to change, Nancy glanced around. She had already changed into a pair of jeans she kept as a backup at work, and she slipped her hands into her pockets, shivering a little. He had turned down the heat in the apartment before leaving for work, apparently, and the room was chilly.

The layout, though, was so much like his old apartment—the furniture was just better. So this was where he spent his time when he wasn't at work, she mused, standing there in the stillness without touching anything. When she saw a framed photograph of the two of them on the stand above his movie collection, her heart melted a little.

Ned returned wearing a pair of faded jeans and an Emerson sweatshirt, one that she remembered borrowing to wear a few times. Though the garment had swallowed her whole, she had loved that the trace of his scent had clung to it. Wearing it had felt like being wrapped in his arms.

"Hungry?"

"I will be," she said with a small smile, accepting his offer to take a seat on the couch as they waited for the stove to finish heating. When she shivered again, Ned muttered an apology and went over to the thermostat, cranking it up a few degrees.

"Here," he told her when he came back to the couch, tugging the afghan off the back, and she wrapped it around her gratefully. While Ned was naturally fairly tidy, she saw the small signs of bachelor life: the pizza delivery boxes, the smudged and dirty glasses clustered on the edge of the sink. When he flipped on the television, it was already tuned to ESPN. She supposed she should be glad it wasn't on an adult channel.

Ned muted the broadcast, though, and turned back to her. "So, thanks for coming over," he told her with a smile.

She shrugged, trying to play it off, but when she was in this kind of mood she always felt like an embrace would do wonders to quiet her fear for good. "None of my leftovers sounded as good as yours," she told him, returning his smile with a smaller one of her own. "How was your day?"

"Good," he said mildly. "For a Monday, anyway. The job is so easy I could do it in my sleep, but I'll miss some of the people I'm working with when I go." He shrugged slightly. "How was your day?"

"Good," she said, and it was only partially a lie. Her day had started out well, anyway. She sorted through it all, looking for something to say that wouldn't start a fight. "Parts of it, anyway. So, anything special about the ziti?"

"Italian sausage. Are you feeling up to that?"

She raised one eyebrow. "I'm over my hangover, if that's what you're asking," she said, shaking her head. "And by the way, tell your mom thanks for the soup. That was really nice of her."

Ned didn't have the ingredients for salad, which didn't surprise Nancy at all, but he did have a bag of baby carrots and ranch dressing, and Nancy made herself a little plate and then found a baking sheet for the cheesy garlic bread she had picked up. Ned set the table and their dinner together was actually nice; when she asked if Edith had made the ziti for Ned, he told her that he had made it himself, and she was happy to compliment him on it. They had no chaperones, no drunk girls interrupting them, no observers for the first time in a while, and she felt almost relaxed. The only time she tensed up was when Ned turned the conversation back to how her day had gone. He let it drop, though, after another noncommittal answer.

Ned was down to a few ziti noodles and a slice of sausage, and had been for a few minutes, when Nancy chuckled. "Suddenly lose your appetite, Nickerson?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Just hoping that the longer it takes us to eat, the longer you'll stay," he told her.

"I'm not going to bolt out the door the second you finish your meal," she told him. "So relax."

He speared the slice of Italian sausage. "Especially since I have some dessert for you?" he asked, then popped it into his mouth.

"You've piqued my interest."

Ned smiled. "Do you really not have any other plans for tonight?"

Nancy took a breath, suddenly nervous. She felt like she should make some up just so she could have an excuse to leave, especially if the mood between them turned more serious than she wanted, but if she left she would just go home, and she didn't want to do that yet. She wasn't nearly tired enough. "Not unless work calls with an emergency," she said lightly.

For a second, she wondered if he would ask her to stay with him—and she felt such a visceral longing for that, that it scared her. She didn't want to have sex, not in this mood, but the thought of going to bed with him, just wrapping her arms around him and feeling him embrace her in return...

"You know what we haven't done in a long time? Played cards."

That was true. Ned and the guys at the fraternity house, during study breaks, used to play cards, and Nancy and her friends had joined in for their fair share. During parties a big group generally gathered around the table playing some group game, growing progressively more drunk with each turn. She couldn't remember the last time she had played sober, but she had; she knew it was possible.

"As long as it's not strip poker... what did you have in mind?"

Ned's eyes widened. "I hadn't even thought of that," he said, but then he gave her a wink. "Maybe gin rummy."

"Too bad Bess and George aren't here, or we could play spades."

"I thought we were going for a nice relaxing evening," he said, tearing off another bite of garlic toast. "Those two get _way_ too competitive when it comes to spades."

Nancy smiled, but then she felt a flutter of anxiety pass over her belly. Given how angry George had been with Ned since Nancy had told the cousins what had happened in California and afterward, she was going to dread their next meeting.

She decided that she would cross that bridge when she came to it. Both of her best friends had said they would accept her decision about Ned, whatever it was, so George would just have to suck it up.

They cleared the table together and Ned found a deck of cards as Nancy refilled their drinks. She glanced at her watch. If she didn't leave soon, she would miss a show she generally watched on Monday nights, but she didn't really care about that, not enough to leave. 

Ned glanced at the clock on the stove. "Did you want me to turn on something?" he guessed. "The news? Some music?"

God. A news recap would most likely bring up Whitney's name again. "Music," she said, trying to sound casual and not desperate.

Ned went to the remote and found a channel playing classic rock, then turned it up so they could easily hear it at the small table in the kitchen, but not so loud that it would interfere with conversation. He went to a cabinet and Nancy remembered the candy bars she had bought for him, and pulled them out of her purse just as Ned brought over a bag of almond M&Ms.

They looked at the candy and laughed. "You don't like almond M&Ms," she said.

Ned shrugged. "I saw them at the store and it was like habit," he said softly. "Thought it might be nice to have some if you came over."

Nancy glanced down, away from the soft expression in his dark eyes, and swallowed hard. "That was really sweet of you," she whispered.

He sat down across from her, then reached for her chin. It was the first time he had intentionally touched her since that chaste kiss at his front door. She could tell he wanted to say something, but he couldn't find the words; instead he just held her gaze. When they were like this, when her heart was speeding just from the touch of his fingertips and the intensity of his gaze, she felt just as vulnerable as she had when she had kicked him out. She wanted him so much, but she could still feel that distance between them, and she knew she would have to be the one to cross it. If she asked him, she knew he would move back in tonight.

_Two dates,_ she reminded herself. _We've only had two and a half dates. The important thing isn't how much I love him, or how much he loves me; it's getting back to something healthy. If we try again but we're not ready..._

Nancy took a deep breath and moved back a little, breaking the contact. "I remembered you liked those," she said, nodding at the candy bars.

He smiled at her. "Yeah. Thanks, Nan."

At first they weren't keeping score, partially because it was hard to remember the exact rules of the game, but after the first round Nancy looked up the rules and Ned took one of the pieces of junk mail he had received that day and flipped over the envelope to use it for a score sheet. She had been relaxed before, but they teased and joked with each other, and it felt like so damn long since they had consistently shared this kind of ease.

When the opening lyrics of "You Shook Me All Night Long" reached them from the television set, Ned glanced up at Nancy with a grin on his face. Nancy blushed a little. "You were so incredibly sexy when you were up there singing this for me," he told her. "It's one of my favorite memories of you, and I wish I'd thought to take a picture of you up there."

"I'm glad you didn't," she said softly, but she was smiling. "I had to psych myself up to do it and if I hadn't been mostly drunk..." She shook her head.

"It meant a lot to me," he told her. "Both of the songs you sang did, but the first one... you are my home too, Nan. When we're together like this... I know we need to take our time but it's so hard. I love you so much. And if we— _when_ we're living together again," he said, and she could see that same vulnerability in his eyes, "I'll finally be able to show you, again."

When his hand touched hers, Nancy laced her fingers between his. "I'm not ready yet," she said softly, then glanced up into his eyes again. Then she smiled. "I guess we could just think of it like we really are dating again. You were able to show me you loved me even when we weren't living together."

"But back then, I wasn't used to living with you," he pointed out. "I'm addicted—God, bad choice of words. And it's not even that. I need you. I hate sleeping without you. I hate that I can't come home and share my day with you. I know you're not ready, but..." He trailed off, frustrated.

Nancy squeezed his hand. "If we keep going to therapy," she said slowly, "and we both feel like we can do this without falling back into all those old bad habits... and I know you said you feel like someone else did all those things when we were in California, but I... I don't know what will make that guy come back again," she whispered.

"Nan, I am _never_ going to do coke again," he promised her.

"But that wasn't the only reason," she began.

"And it could be that I can't drink anymore," he said. "If that's the way it has to be, then I accept that. But I was drinking because I was miserable, and I don't feel that way anymore. The only thing weighing on me right now is just proving that I can be that guy for you again. Someone—" He let out his breath in a long sigh. "Someone you can trust and be proud of again."

Nancy felt tears prick behind her eyelids. "Ned," she said softly, and shook her head. She had been proud of who he was, until that man sharing her bed really had become a stranger.

Taking him back was going to be more than just living with him again. When they had married and committed to spend the rest of their lives together, neither one of them had truly understood what they were doing. Oh, she had understood the words, but the majority of their relationship had been happy, and they had both expected it to continue that way for the rest of their lives.

They had understood that their marriage might fail, but neither of them had believed that it would happen. Just as each of them understood that aneurisms and car accidents happened. They did, just to other people. Nancy and Ned had been golden for so long.

Being without him was agonizing, like living with a huge aching wound inside her. Living with the man he had become in California was impossible. Going backwards... they couldn't. The bell couldn't be unrung.

They played until Nancy finally began to feel tired, and she was happy, hopeful that as soon as she changed into her pajamas, she would fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. She played out that last hand, her eyelids drooping a little, and yawned as Ned tallied up the points.

Then he looked up at her in concern. "You look sleepy."

She nodded, stifling another yawn. "Guess I should head home. Thanks for dinner, it really was delicious... and it was nice to hang out." She gave him a smile.

Ned returned it. "Look... do you want to stay here tonight?"

Her eyes immediately widened, and she began to shake her head.

"I don't mean sleep together..." Ned sighed. "I mean you can take the bed and I'll take the couch if you don't want to sleep in the same room. It's just... you look really tired."

"I'll be okay," she told him. "It's all right. Thanks again, Ned."

He stood up when she did, and she put on her shoes again, reached for her coat. He walked with her to the door, and when their hands brushed, she turned to him.

When he embraced her Nancy felt herself begin to tremble faintly, and she wrapped her arms around him in return, breathing deeply. God, how easy it would be to just say yes, to ask him to carry her to his bed. When their lips brushed, a shudder passed over her.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay?" Ned whispered.

He wouldn't understand, and she didn't want to say it. "I can't," she whispered in return. "Not yet." She cupped his cheek and gazed into his eyes, and willed herself strength she didn't feel.

He sighed. "I love you," he told her softly, and rested his forehead against hers. "So much, sweetheart."

She closed her eyes. "I love you," she whispered.

He kissed her twice more before she finally told him she had to go; she was afraid that if they stayed together much longer, she would barely be able to stagger to the couch and just fall asleep there, and she didn't want to give in to the temptation.

With a soft sigh he let her down. "Give me a call if you need anything, okay?" he said, and gently cupped her cheek.

She nodded. "Thanks," she said, genuine gratitude in her eyes.

He walked her down to her car, asking her once more to confirm she was okay to drive, and she promised to call him when she made it home. He picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles.

"Thursday," he said.

She smiled. "Thursday," she replied.

She was relieved when she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep that night, and on Tuesday hearing Whitney's name didn't cause the same shock to her system. She still didn't like it, but she had a busy day at work and that helped tremendously.

When she was on the way home that night, her phone rang, and her heart skipped a beat when she immediately thought it might be Ned. Frank's name showed on her phone's display, though, and she swallowed her disappointment.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Nan?"

Nancy sighed silently. "Hi Frank. What's new?"

After the usual pleasantries, just as Nancy had known he would, Frank began to tell her about a case he and Joe were starting the next day. He didn't go so far as to ask if she would help, and for that she was grateful, but he clearly wanted to, and when he asked if she would be available to brainstorm about leads and suspects, she told him she should be.

She responded to Ned's text as usual, and went to bed early, doing her best to just forget about the anxiety she was feeling. She was on her first period since the miscarriage, though, and she felt more emotional than usual, almost restless. She felt acutely aware of the empty house around her, the cold side of the bed where her husband had lain.

It took her a long time to sleep, and when she did, she dreamed that she was at a masquerade ball, but she wasn't one of the dancers. She was on a case, and so she was dressed as one of the staff, moving unseen at the edge of the crowd. All the guests were masked, dressed in silk, satin, velvet, lace. Yards of fabric gleamed in the moonlight, and eyes gleamed from the deep darkness of the masks' eyeholes. When Nancy looked down, she was startled to find that she wore a one-piece black bathing suit and high heels. She had somehow forgotten her waitress uniform. She felt exposed.

A tingle went down her spine, and she was suddenly certain that Ned was there. If she found him, he would take her home, and that knowledge made her slump with certainty and relief. She would be okay, if she could only find him.

Ducking her head, Nancy began to move through the crowd, but hands brushed against her, so close to her skin. She found a small chain-strap purse on her shoulder and was reassured by it; she had a gun inside. She would be okay until she found him.

When she glanced up, though, four tall solidly-built men were standing in front of her, their shoulders tight to each other, forming a solid wall through which she could see no passage. Nancy glanced around, her heart beating wildly, and when she slipped her hand into her purse, her stomach dropped. The gun wasn't there.

The left one took off his mask, his lips curving up into a predatory grin. "Hello," he said.

And she _knew_. She opened her mouth to scream but the one on the right grabbed her, and she began to struggle wildly, lashing out. She couldn't let this happen. She couldn't. And they, _God_ —

She woke with a jerk and a sharp cry, and a pair of cold tears rolled down her cheeks as she sat up, gasping her breath back. She glanced over at the bedside table.

_No_ , she thought again, but once the idea occurred to her, it was as though her limbs moved with a will all their own. She reached for her cell phone, picking it up.

"'lo?" Ned answered on the third ring, his voice thick with sleep.

"Hey."

"Nan? You okay?" He sounded a little more alert.

"I'm okay. I just... I wanted to hear your voice."

"Do you need me to come over?"

"No! No..." She tried to take the sharpness out of her voice, the panic. If he came over, she would wrap herself around him and hold him until the anxiety passed, and she didn't know where that would lead. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"'bout what?" Ned asked, and she heard him stifle a yawn. "You sound upset, babe."

"I'm okay," she said again, and settled back down under the covers. The air in the bedroom was cool against her cheeks, and the sheets were warm against her. "Did you have a good day?"

"It wasn't bad. Mmm. Did you?"

Nancy closed her eyes. "It was okay," she said. "I..." _Heard from Frank_ , she couldn't say. She didn't want to walk into that. "I guess I was just wondering if I could sweet-talk you into giving me any clues about our date Saturday night."

"Mmm. Nope. Not even while I'm sleepy. I'm a steel trap, babe." He sounded almost fully awake, though. "Did you have a bad dream?" he asked, his voice quieter.

"Yeah," she admitted, frowning a little.

"Close your eyes," Ned said. "Closed?... Now, right now, I'm imagining I have my arms around you, and I'm spooned up behind you. Okay? It's cold outside but we're warm together, and we can feel each other's hearts beating. Slow, slow. Shhhhh. Shhh, baby. You're all right. You're going to be okay. Do you want me to come over?"

_Yes,_ she almost whispered, feeling drowsy from the slow, almost hypnotic cadence of his voice. "No," she breathed. "I'm okay. I'll be okay. Thanks."

"Sure," he told her softly. "I love you, Nan. Sleep well."

"You too," she whispered. "I love you."

\--

Nancy walked into the office for their session two minutes late on Thursday. "Sorry, I'm so sorry," she said, rushing in, and she still wore her wool coat, scarf and mittens. "I was held up at work and by the time I realized I was going to be late, I didn't want to take the time to pull off the road to text you."

"It's all right," Sol told her, a patient smile on his face. Tonight's t-shirt was for The Clash; Ned had commented on it, but the moment Nancy walked in, his gaze was on her.

And he waited until she had taken off her coat and scarf, putting them down over the back of the chair near the door, along with her purse. She took the other side of the couch, but didn't move as far away from Ned as she could have, and he took that as a positive sign.

Ned took a deep breath as Nancy looked at Sol, a faintly expectant look on her face. "Nancy," Ned said.

Nancy glanced over at him, a little surprised. Ned had taken advantage of the few minutes he and Sol had had alone together to tell the therapist that he wanted to broach a topic with Nancy, related to something he wanted to work on, and Sol had agreed.

But Ned hadn't exactly told him what, and Ned wasn't positive about how Nancy was going to react to what he did next.

"On Monday, when you sent me that text, and on Tuesday when you called... what was going on?"

Nancy's eyes widened a little, and she crossed her arms over her belly. "Well, on Monday, I was just at loose ends after work... and Tuesday, like I said..." She glanced down. "I had a bad dream."

"And that was all?" Ned pressed.

Sol's lips tightened, as Nancy nodded. "Yeah," she murmured, her head still bowed.

"Did something happen on Tuesday that upset you?" Sol asked, and when Ned opened his mouth again, Sol made a negating gesture. Ned sat back, his arms crossed.

Nancy let out her breath in a soft sigh, then glanced up at Sol. "No," she said, putting on a false smile.

"Nancy," Sol said warningly.

Nancy let the smile drop. "Why does it matter?" she asked, and her voice was calm, but Ned could hear the tension in it.

"It matters," Ned said, "because it was on the list. You don't want to tell me about what's going on in your head, what you're thinking or feeling. And I don't want you to stop coming to me when you need me, but I hate that you just won't talk to me..."

Nancy looked down again. "It wasn't like that," she told him, her voice low. "I... I just didn't want to start a fight."

"Can you talk about what you were upset about?" Sol said, a pen held poised over his notebook.

Nancy swallowed. "Can..." Her voice trailed off. She let out an explosive sigh, then brushed her hair back and brought her head up again. Her eyes were gleaming. "I don't want to."

Ned sighed, too. "It's Blake Whitney," he said. "Isn't it."

Nancy's face became a strangely frozen mask, and her body seemed to shrink a little as she tensed. "Please," she said softly.

"Nan—"

"Blake Whitney?" Sol repeated.

Nancy buried her face in her hands. "Look, if we have to—can you—I can't talk about this if Ned's going to talk."

Ned opened his mouth, and Sol gave him another negating gesture. "Okay," Sol said. "Ned, do you agree to that condition?"

Ned frowned fiercely, then nodded. "Okay," he muttered.

Nancy sighed. "I had a dream," she said, her voice low, her gaze still down. She pulled her joined knees up onto the couch in a defensive gesture. "I was at a masquerade ball but I was only wearing a swimsuit, and I was supposed to be undercover, so that was bad. I tried to go through the crowd and find Ned, but these—these men got in my way." She swallowed hard. "They reached for me. Grabbed me. I—I tried to get a gun out of my purse but it wasn't there, and I knew..."

"What did you know?"

Her voice was faint. "They attacked me," she murmured without answering his question. "I woke up."

Sol paused. "And this has something to do with Blake Whitney?"

Nancy cast one shuttered glance at Ned before she began to explain, her voice almost a monotone, about the case Whitney's soon to be ex-wife had given the agency. She told Sol that her arm had been injured in a previous case, but when the designated bait hadn't arrived, Nancy had grown impatient and taken over the job herself, despite her injury.

Ned listened with growing horror as she described Whitney's steadily worsening inebriation, the fact that she had felt bad enough about accompanying him to his yacht to arrange for backup if something went wrong—but she hadn't called Ned when she had known she could be in danger. She described her revulsion when Whitney had kissed and touched her, and her voice started shaking when she talked about the actual assault, finding herself kneeling on the floor and struggling as he tried to force her head into his lap. She had managed to get the upper hand and pull her gun, but she had been terrified; she had barely had the strength to lift it, and if Whitney had batted the gun out of her hand, if she hadn't been armed...

And if Whitney had killed her that night, when would Ned have even known? he wondered. He had already been working late that night, and he would never have thought that she would have been in that kind of situation. His heart grew sick. After that night Nancy had clammed up about it, and just told him she was fine if he asked about it.

"And then I went home," she whispered. "I called Ned on the way and asked him to meet me there and we had a fight..."

Ned remembered it, or parts of it. The part that stood out the most, though, was the rage he had felt at seeing her not wearing her rings, and how he had wanted to leave before he did something he would regret. He remembered her wet, stricken face when she had told him that if he had to hit her to stay, that he should hit her. All the fight had drained out of him then, leaving him disgusted with himself that she could even say something like that, and actually believe it.

"I'm sorry, baby," Ned said, forgetting that Sol had asked and he had agreed not to talk. "I'm so sorry."

"Every time," she whispered. "Every time you just get mad at me..."

"What do you mean by 'every time'?" Sol asked, when Nancy trailed off.

She reached up and wiped her tears away. "I... Frank called me yesterday, just to talk about the case he's on..."

Ned let out an audible growl. Sol cast a fierce glance at him. "Ned," he said warningly.

Ned had actually been able to joke about Frank during their date, but that simmering rage was always there, had always been there, especially now. He shook his head, his jaw set.

"Um..." Nancy cleared her throat. "We were sharing a hotel room—"

"When was this?" Sol interrupted. "And I'm assuming that from what you're telling me, Blake Whitney attacked you while you and Ned were living in California."

Nancy nodded. "I was working the case with Frank before that, when Ned was living in L.A. and I was still working in Chicago."

"So you and Ned were married at the time you shared a hotel room with Frank." Sol's voice was neutral, almost bland, but Ned studied his expression.

Nancy flushed a little at the implication. "It wasn't like that," she said, and brushed her hair back. "It wasn't just me and Frank, Frank's brother was there too. We were hiding out. It wasn't..." She let out a frustrated moan. "It wasn't supposed to be like that," she whispered.

"What happened?"

"We got drunk," she said. "Well, I drank but I didn't actually get drunk; someone needed to be sober just in case. Joe passed out and Frank kept drinking, and he..." She shuddered. "He didn't know what he was doing," she whispered. "I overreacted."

" _Bullshit_ ," Ned declared, turning to her, ignoring Sol's signal at him to be quiet. "You did _not_ fucking overreact. That asshole has had a hard-on for you since we were kids, and all it took was him getting drunk to finally try to act on it. So _don't_ fucking say you were overreacting when you were fucking _shaking_ when you told me about it."

Nancy looked up at him, her face a mask of tearstained agony. She shook her head. "Please," she whispered, and drew in a little tighter, bringing her knees to her chest. "Ned..."

"Nancy specifically said she didn't want you to talk while she was doing this," Sol said, an edge in his voice. "Do you want me to end the session right now, Ned? She and I can do this privately, and she might find that preferable—"

"I'll be good," Ned grated out, running his hand through his hair. Just hearing her talk about it was bringing back all the anger he had ever felt when hearing about the attacks. The first one had been bad enough.

Nancy took a few deep breaths and smiled gratefully when Sol handed her a tissue. "So he was drunk and something happened that upset you," Sol prompted her.

"I—" She shuddered. "I helped him get to bed, he was stumbling drunk, and then he asked if I was going to join him... He..." She trailed off again, shaking her head. "He scared me," she whispered. "He said... he knew I wanted him, and he was... I kept telling him _no_ , over and over, and he said... we finally had a chance... and I locked myself in the bathroom and slept there, I cried myself to sleep and in the morning when we were all sober I made my excuses and got out of there, went to Ned in California."

Sol glanced between Nancy and Ned. "Did you and Frank ever have a relationship?" Sol asked.

Nancy shook her head vehemently, wiping her cheeks. " _No,_ " she said. "No. We... we kissed sometimes when we were on cases, but it was never a _relationship_."

Ned glanced away, a muscle in his jaw twitching.

"Was this while you and Ned were dating, or engaged?"

"Dating," Nancy said firmly. "When we were engaged, I didn't..."

"All this is immaterial," Sol told her when she trailed off. "I just wanted some context. No matter what your history was with him, or wasn't, as soon as you said no, anything he did after that was inappropriate, even if you and he had done it a thousand times before or not at all. If he upset you, if his behavior upset you, if you were afraid, then that isn't overreacting, Nancy. I need you to understand that. I don't care who does it, if it's me or your father or Ned or anyone at all in your life. If something happens and it scares you, don't dismiss those feelings. It sounds like you sometimes ignore your own fear response."

"Yeah," Nancy conceded, looking down.

"So you've been attacked twice—"

Ned shook his head, but didn't say anything, looking at Sol. Sol looked from Ned to Nancy.

"Have there been other incidents?"

Nancy cringed, looking down. "A few years ago, before Ned took the job in California... I was working a case at a big firm and one of the guys there kept flirting with me, asking me out. I shut him down every time. He had one of his friends call me and say I needed to come out immediately, and it didn't feel right, but I went—I didn't know that he was behind it. It was after hours, the building was almost empty... and it was—it was four of them..." She squeezed her eyes tight shut. "They grabbed me, forced me d-down... Eric—" She took a shivering breath. "I couldn't move. I was fighting and I was so afraid Ned wouldn't get the message in time, and they hurt me, stuffed a gag in my mouth so I couldn't scream... Eric... he pulled... my jeans open, he... he touched me..." She started sobbing. "I was... it was our anniversary and I was wearing lingerie for my husband and Eric saw it, touched me..." She shook her head.

"What happened after that?" Sol asked gently.

"I kept struggling and then Ned came in, and he hurt Eric. He—Ned was so angry."

Ned pressed his lips tight together to keep from saying anything. He _had_ been angry, he still was angry about what had happened, but he wasn't angry with her.

"He punched Eric, told him that he would kill him if he touched me again, and we went home. And the next morning, when I had to go meet with my boss and the guy from that company just so we could go over what had happened—it had happened on the company's property and the police had come, and a report was on file—Ned flipped out."

"Flipped out about what?" Sol asked.

Nancy wiped her face again. "He didn't want me to go. I asked if he wanted to be my bodyguard, for me to just wear a hazmat suit or something, and he said he would rather go with me. But that's—that doesn't make sense. He can't be with me every minute of the day. And he _knew_ ," Nancy said angrily. "Ned _knew_ I was like this when we met."

Ned, feeling incredibly frustrated, sprang up from the couch and started to pace in the small area, since he wasn't allowed to talk. Sol glanced up at him immediately, then over at Nancy, and Nancy was clenched tight at the edge of the couch again, hugging her knees to her chest.

Sol pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, then let out a silent sigh. "Look," he said, an edge of tension in his voice. "Ned, I need you to calm down. You look like you're about to lose it. Do you want to go get some air for a minute?"

"I need to blow my nose," Nancy said. "I'll be right back."

Sol and Nancy stood, and Ned was already striding out to go to the parking lot. Nancy came out of the room and when Ned reached for her wrist, she flinched, bringing her wet face up to look into his eyes. She was still visibly upset, and Ned just held her wrist for a moment, then released her and shook his head and walked out to the parking lot. He didn't have his coat and he didn't give a damn. As soon as he was outside, all the pent-up rage and frustration came out of him in a hoarse bellow, and the cold actually felt good against his flushed face. He wanted desperately to destroy something, but nothing around him looked like a good candidate. Other than his car.

Wrapping his car around a tree wouldn't do either of them any good.

Ned's hands were still clenched into fists at his sides when Sol came outside. "You all right?"

Ned's breath was coming in ragged pants. "So I can talk now?" he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

Sol shot him a baleful look. "She just talked about something that obviously causes her a lot of anxiety, and you fuming doesn't help."

"So I'm supposed to just act like it's great that she keeps getting attacked?" Ned asked, crossing his arms. In the back of his head he knew he needed to back down a little, but the frustration wanted out, any way it could. "And I _knew_ —"

Sol held up a hand. "Let's go back inside," he said. "But if you get this agitated, it's just going to make her more upset. Okay? If you need to get up and leave the room, do that, but don't attack her."

"I'm _not_ ," Ned said defensively.

Sol sighed through his nose. "She perceives that you are," he told Ned. "And perception is reality."

"Fine," Ned sighed, and when he went back inside, at least the blinding rage had begun to abate just a little. He still felt like he was about to just come out of his skin with anger, but it wasn't quite as bad.

Nancy's eyes were still wet, but she had wiped off the majority of her ruined makeup. Her blue eyes were huge in her pale face, though, and Ned sat down at the other end of the couch when he and Sol entered the room again.

"Nancy, I know that talking about that was upsetting," Sol began. "Are you feeling okay? Do you want to continue?"

"Yeah," Nancy whispered. "I'm—I'm okay. I just… I'm tired of arguing about it."

"Then don't argue," Sol said mildly. "This isn't an argument. This is an expression of concern, and that's how I want you to phrase it. Ned, you've said before that you worry about how Nancy's career puts her in danger."

Ned nodded. Nancy, on the other end of the couch, just looked away.

"Physically? Emotionally?"

Ned pressed his lips together, and when Sol paused for him to answer, Ned took a long, deep breath, trying to keep his voice even. "First off," he said, and he could already hear the edge of frustrated anger in his voice, "yeah, I knew what you were like when I married you. But I'm going to point out that while we were dating and even after we were engaged, Nan, the cases you were taking weren't fucking honeytrap and entrapment and seduction cases. You were tracking down art thieves and saboteurs and that kind of thing. And more than that, I was usually able to help you. I was able to be there sometimes and if someone threatened you, I could protect you. Defend you.

"When Eric attacked you and you had called me because you had a bad feeling about it… I fucking _hate_ that that happened to you, and you know that. I don't want to wrap you in a thousand layers of fucking bubble wrap, and I don't know how you have it in your head that I'm angry at _you_ when you're attacked."

"Because you fight with me after," she said, breathing quickly. "You get so angry…"

"I get angry that you're ever in that kind of position!" Ned retorted. "Would you be _happy_ if I went to work every morning dangling above a forty-foot drop with nothing but a length of fucking rope around my waist?"

"Are you saying that's the same?" she replied, crossing her arms, her voice rising.

Ned shook his head. "No. I'm not saying it's the same. There is no job like yours. But I don't understand, I have _never_ understood, why you defend that kind of thing when I _know_ you hate it. You're not in it to catch asshole husbands with their pants around their ankles. Yeah, I get that that's part of being a PI—but that's not who you were when I met you. Cracking codes, tracking leads, helping people? That's who you were. But then you got your license and it turned into something entirely different."

Nancy looked down and didn't reply. She just shook her head.

"Am I wrong?"

She looked back up at him, but she didn't answer.

Sol put his pen down. "Nancy, are you afraid to answer?"

She blew out a frustrated breath. "Look, I don't _love_ every single aspect of my job," she said, her voice defensive. "I don't think anyone does. Do I love running honeypots? Hell no. I don't. Happy?"

Nancy looked so angry and upset that Ned shook his head. "It's not about that," he said quietly.

"But it _is_ ," Nancy countered. "Because if I—" She wiped impatiently at her cheek as another tear streaked down. "If I tell you I'm frustrated or upset you'll just turn it into another fucking argument for why I should quit my job, and yeah, there are days I—I don't love some of the stuff I'm assigned to do. But that's _not_ the same as hating my job. And I feel like I can't even fucking come to you and tell you some of it without you trying to _fix it._ "

Ned folded his arms. "I don't—"

" _Really?_ Because whenever I get hurt, it's 'you should quit.' If I get attacked, God, it's like the world is ending."

Ned stood up again and started to say something, but he took a deep breath instead. "If someone attacked your dad, you wouldn't be upset?"

"Of course I'd be upset!" Nancy retorted, standing too, her arms folded. "But I wouldn't insist that he retire and just putter around the house for the rest of his life, either!"

"No, you wouldn't," Ned agreed. "But he's a lawyer. If he were attacked, that would be an anomaly, a onetime thing. But you're in a job where a lot of what you do puts you at risk." When Nancy opened her mouth, Ned shook his head. "Yeah, I know. You love your job. You love a lot of what you do, it's just that some of it isn't great. I know. My head knows that. My heart... when you walk out the door I see you, this beautiful, strong woman who at the end of the day could find herself overpowered by four—four fucking guys in an office building—" Ned's face was flushed with anger and anxiety, and he choked for a second. "And if I _hadn't_ been there, if I hadn't gotten your message, Nancy, they would have raped you. They would have. One more second and that asshole Whitney would have killed you and I wouldn't even have known where the fuck you were. When I'm angry... I'm not mad at you. I'm not."

"But it feels like you are!" she retorted, tears standing in her eyes, and she took a shivering breath. "It feels like you're saying that if I'd just find some other job, you'd be _happy_! And I... Ned, I hate when you do that," she said. "I hate when I feel like a part of _who I am_ isn't making you happy. Like a part of me... like if I..." She looked down. "Like if I stopped being an investigator and just stayed home and kept house and did the cooking and everything, you... you wouldn't be angry with me anymore. You'd..." She squeezed her eyes tight shut and another pair of tears dropped from her eyes. "You'd finally be happy with me."

Ned sighed, taking the few steps between them, and touched her chin. "Let me just say right here, for the record, in front of God and Sol and everyone... the woman I married is amazing, stubbornness and all. You were meant to be a detective, Nan. I accepted that a long time ago. That is _not_ the problem here. The problem is that when I find out that this thing you love puts you in danger and I can't even be there to help, I feel like _I_ am a bad husband because _I_ can't be there all the time. And you work at an agency, with other people. You aren't six-three and built like a linebacker. I know I don't have a say in it, but I wish you'd leave those kinds of cases to other people. I know you can't always do that. I know.

"The thought of anyone hurting you drives me crazy, Nan. And I can't apologize for that."

Nancy searched his eyes, then wiped her cheek with her fingertips. "So what am I supposed to do," she said quietly.

Sol made a soft sound, and they both turned to him. "I think that what he's saying might make sense," he told Nancy. "He's not attacking you. But he doesn't want you putting yourself in more danger than necessary. Ned—you need to realize that a large part of Nancy's identity is defined _by_ her job, and expressing anger about her career makes her feel like you're attacking _her_."

"It does," she told Ned. "It's like you don't trust me. Like what I want isn't important."

"And that's not it at all," he insisted, shaking his head. "It isn't. I don't want you to be miserable. And that's why, when I heard Whitney's name on the news Monday, I thought it might upset you... but I was so fucking afraid to even bring it up because I thought you'd just get all defensive and shut me out, the way you always do. When you came over, I offered to let you sleep over because I knew you might be afraid to sleep alone, and God, all I wanted to do was just hold you the way I always held you after something like that happened. I wanted to know you were safe because you were with me.

"And on Tuesday, when you called... Nan, if you'd asked me to, I would have driven over right then. I would have held you until you were okay again."

Another pair of tears slipped down Nancy's cheeks. "And would it have stopped there?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," he told her. "Of course it would have, if you wanted it to. But I hate that you wouldn't even talk to me about how you were feeling." Ned swallowed and glanced down. "I know... that night, after he attacked you... I was really angry, and..." Ned pressed his lips together. "Did you not want to tell me because you... baby, you know I'd never hurt you..."

He didn't want to bring it up, but Sol was watching the two of them closely. "What happened between you two the night you're talking about?"

Ned released Nancy and they both sat down again. Nancy had her head bowed, and when she didn't respond, Ned let out a deep sigh. "I was really angry when she came in upset and wouldn't tell me what was going on, and she wasn't wearing her wedding rings, _after_ she had promised me that she wouldn't be going in on the case. We... we had a fight and I got upset and I was about to walk out so I wouldn't do anything I'd regret, and..."

"What?" Sol prompted quietly.

Nancy took a deep breath, squeezing her interlaced fingers tightly together. "I told him that if he had to hit me to stay, to hit me," she whispered.

A part of Ned had been hoping that, somehow, she wouldn't remember saying that. Ned cringed.

"Has there been physical abuse in your relationship?" Sol said, looking between the two of them.

Nancy and Ned shook their heads.

"Then what provoked that remark?" Sol asked. "Were either of you in homes where abusive relationships were modeled?"

Nancy and Ned shook their heads again. "I, uh... during an argument we had before that night, I—I was really angry and I said something really terrible that I didn't mean," Nancy explained. "Ned... pulled back like he was going to hit me, but he didn't. The fight just got uglier. And that night when I came home after... that..." She shuddered a little, and sighed. "I just didn't want him to leave."

Sol made a note. "Can you tell me what made you angry enough to threaten to hit her, Ned?"

Ned flushed and shook his head.

"So we'll come back to that," Sol said. "Nancy, we can talk about this separately, but are you afraid that Ned _is_ going to hurt you?"

Nancy shook her head immediately. "No. I..." She sighed. "We were both different when we were in California, and our fights were more physical, but that isn't why I didn't want to talk about it. No, I don't think Ned's going to hurt me."

"You say that your fights became more physical. Ned, was Nancy abusive toward you?"

Nancy sucked in a sharp breath, and she didn't look at Ned. He tightened his interlaced fingers. "Not like that," he said. "We were both... we had really ugly fights, but since..."

"You've had some ugly fights since you started therapy," Sol pointed out, tilting his head. "I know you have. Have those fights become physical?"

"A little," Ned said, and Nancy nodded in agreement.

Sol let out a long breath. "No," he said, and sat forward. "That stops _right now_. Okay? You _do not_ lay hands on each other when you're angry. You do not. If you have to walk outside and calm down, so be it. We can talk about techniques you can use to calm yourselves down, but _do not_ do that. On the same token, _do not_ turn that anger and frustration back on yourselves, either. Have either of you hurt yourselves?"

Nancy and Ned both shook their heads.

Sol sighed. "Good," he said, and glanced at his watch. "Shit. Do either of you have other plans for tonight?"

Nancy and Ned glanced at each other. "No," Nancy said softly, and Ned shook his head.

"Mind if we take a break and grab something to eat and then finish this up? Say, twenty minutes? My blood sugar's getting low and we were supposed to wrap up ten minutes ago."

After they agreed, Sol took off and Ned glanced over at Nancy. "You want to go grab something?" he said gruffly.

Nancy sighed and wiped her wet cheek again. "Not really," she said, and then glanced up at Ned, her eyes wide. "It's not—it's just that I'm sure I look like shit, and I don't want people staring at me."

"Let 'em stare," Ned said. "Come on, we can just go get something quick."

Nancy shook her head, a small smile on her face. "If you and I go anywhere looking like this, people will think you're the reason I look like this."

"Aren't I?" Ned said quietly.

Nancy frowned. "Let's just go through a drive-thru and eat back here, okay?"

Ned paused. "Nan—I don't mean to pressure you..."

"You aren't," she said, her voice almost weary. "I'm just exhausted and talking about this isn't helping."

"I'm sorry."

Nancy shrugged. "I guess it's good to talk about it," she murmured, reaching for her coat and purse. "That doesn't make me feel any better, though."

They went to a nearby fast food restaurant and picked up chicken sandwiches and fries, and once they had finished their sandwiches, they were munching on their fries when Nancy took a deep breath. "Ned," she said softly.

"Hmm?"

"The—the thing I said that Sol asked about," she said. "Look, if you don't want me to tell him, I won't."

Ned looked at his waxed paper cup of soda. "You just told Sol about when you were attacked," he pointed out, not looking at her. "I'm sure that wasn't easy either."

"But that wasn't the same..." Nancy cleared her throat. "Anyway, I... I won't talk to him about it if you don't want me to."

Ned felt sick, and was suddenly almost nauseated and wishing he hadn't just eaten. Then Nancy gently touched his hand, and her eyes were gleaming when he looked up at her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Ned, I'm so sorry I said that. I shouldn't have."

Ned took a deep breath. "Baby, no matter what, I shouldn't have almost hit you," he said. "That was inexcusable. And I hate that you have ever been afraid I would."

She gave him a quick smile, so brief he almost missed it. "It's okay," she whispered.

"No, it isn't," Ned replied, frustrated. "It really isn't. God." He shook his head. "It hurt me so much, but that's no excuse."

They waited in silence for a moment, Nancy's hand still resting against Ned's, and then she chuckled. "What?" he asked, glancing at her again.

"We better go inside," she pointed out. "Because Sol's going to make us do this all over again, since he didn't see it."

"Hmm. I see what you mean," Ned said, and gave her his own brief smile as he brushed his fingertip down the tip of her nose.

When they settled back down on the couch in front of Sol, he apologized. "I didn't want to break the flow of this, and I think we need to discuss a few more things before I let you two go for the week. Nancy, Ned, if you don't want to discuss whatever it was that made Ned angry enough to threaten you, that's okay. I think it's important that the two of you acknowledge that, whatever it was, you can't approach the topic that way. And if it's something that's continuing to cause problems in your relationship, we need to talk about it. Fair enough?"

They both nodded.

Sol glanced down at his notebook again. "I don't generally counsel in this kind of case," he told them. "But, Nancy—and I'm divorcing this from any discussion of your job, your work, anything like that. To have been through something like that, not just once but multiple times, I know that was difficult for you. You said that Frank called you. You're still in contact with him?"

Nancy nodded. "He apologized to me," she said. "He didn't mean it. He was... like I said, he was drunk, and it was..."

Sol sat forward. "But you connected the fact that he called you with your nightmare," he pointed out. "And I assume that in the dream, the men who attacked you in some way represented the men who have attacked you in the past."

Nancy crossed her arms over her belly. "Well, Blake Whitney..." she murmured.

"This Eric person, and Whitney. You're no longer in contact with either of them."

"Of course not," Nancy said immediately.

"But Frank frightened you so much that you locked yourself in a room and cried yourself to sleep," Sol repeated. "He persisted after you told him to stop. Did he touch you?"

She shrank again, and Ned dug his fingers into his own palms to keep from saying something that would upset her further. He could tell from her reaction that Frank must have. "I got away from him," she whispered.

"So he did."

"I don't want to talk about this," Nancy whispered.

Ned put his hand palm-up on the couch cushion between them. "Nancy," he whispered. "Sweetheart..."

She gasped in a breath and then, suddenly, she was sobbing. "I knew you would be angry," she said, her voice trembling. "The—the things he was saying... he had accidentally seen one of those outfits I bought for you and he said something about it... he said he knew I wanted him, and... I felt like I was in a nightmare..."

"I'm angry at _him_ ," Ned told her. "I would never, never be angry at you for that."

"I swear to you, I didn't flirt with him," she said, shaking her head. "I didn't lead him on. I didn't."

"Nancy, do you blame yourself for the times you've been attacked?" Sol asked.

Nancy sighed and wiped her eyes. "No," she whispered. "But then I'd come home and Ned would be angry and I would feel guilty and ashamed and like he blamed me..."

"Baby, _no_ ," Ned said, shaking his head.

"If I hadn't taken that case..."

Sol made a soft noise, and they looked up at him again. While they hadn't forgotten he was there, it was easier to talk, knowing he would stop them if they went too far. "Frank's an old friend?"

"Who has wanted her since day one," Ned confirmed.

"Ned," Nancy sighed.

"It's true, babe. Anyone with eyes can see it."

Sol tilted his head. "It sounds like we need to talk about owning your actions," he said. "Proceeding after someone has said she is uncomfortable isn't appropriate. That is _his_ fault. Maybe it was the perfect set of circumstances, and Frank would never have acted on his feelings for you, especially not in that way, at any other time. But we have no way to know that."

Nancy looked down. "So when Ned tells me that..." she said slowly, and swallowed. "When he tells me that he hates the person he was in California..."

Ned let out his breath in a rush. "Nan," he sighed. "I'm not... I'm not saying I didn't do those things, I'm just saying that I can't believe I did. That when I look back, it's like someone else did them."

Sol pressed his lips together. "If you were drinking heavily, consistently, that plus the stress of your job and the drug abuse..."

"So there were special circumstances," Nancy said slowly. "And Frank was drunk and he apologized..."

"Which doesn't change the past," Sol pointed out.

"That's true," she said softly.

"Nancy, you need to give yourself permission to be angry," Sol said. "To feel hurt and betrayed and afraid. Don't bury it. Don't bury it when it comes to the men who have attacked you. Don't bury it when it comes to Ned. Because burying it is only going to make it worse—burying it makes you dream about it, for one.

"So you've been turning to Ned for comfort after these incidents," Sol continued.

Nancy nodded. "Yes," she murmured.

"I need to ask this," he said. "Given everything else that's happened between you two, has there ever been a question of consent when it came to sex?"

Nancy and Ned both shook their heads, and then Ned reached for Nancy's hand, and she let him. Sol had just begun to say something when Ned glanced down.

"Oh?" Sol commented.

"We... a few years ago we were... playing a game," Ned said, and glanced down again. He kept his head down as he continued. "We have a safe word, but one of the games we played... I didn't know..."

Nancy made a soft sound. "I got upset but I didn't tell him to stop," she said quietly. "He didn't know."

"And, Nancy, you had consented to whatever this game was?" Sol asked.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I did. I had. I didn't know it was going to upset me."

"Did this happen before or after..."

"Before," she whispered. "Before Eric or Frank or Whitney. Before everything. And then we talked about it and it was okay."

"You locked me out," Ned murmured.

Both Nancy and Sol glanced over at him, and he looked up.

"You locked me out of the bathroom after," he said. "Just like you..."

Nancy looked down at their joined hands and released a long sigh.

"Ned," Sol said, and Ned glanced up. "I have the distinct impression that you aren't fond of Frank."

Ned snorted. "No," he said. "Not at all. And if we're being perfectly honest here, it was all I could do not to beat the ever-loving shit out of him the next time I saw him after Nan told me what he'd done. Talking about it again makes me just as angry."

Sol steepled his fingers. "You two... you feed off each other's emotions," he said. "It's not unusual, at all, but if one of you is angry, the other becomes angry too. Anxiety, depression, fear... defensiveness, too. I'm hoping that pointing that out will help you."

Ned sighed. "So if I'm upset, I'm going to make her upset... so I shouldn't be."

Sol shook his head. "Not like that. If you're upset, you need to express it without turning it into a personal attack. That goes for both of you. Nancy... you're worried about your own personal safety like Ned is, but you have other priorities and that clearly drives him crazy, and when you attack him for being worried about you, he perceives it as a threat of the role he's supposed to have in your life. He sees himself as your protector, and when you're hurt, he's failed to protect you.

"Ned, as I said earlier, Nancy reads your frustration as anger directed at her. And I understand that it's tricky to do this, because you two have set patterns of behavior, ones you've developed over years. Certain triggers don't even require anything other than a word or look to set them off. I think you both know that."

Nancy and Ned both nodded.

"I think we need to cross over and discuss the other half of this," Sol said, "but we'll wait to do it during our next individual sessions. Nancy, if you start experiencing flashbacks or anxiety attacks, we need to talk about that, all right?"

She nodded. "Okay," she said quietly.

"Continuing to date... that's okay, as long as you keep establishing positive patterns of behavior. We're not done yet, okay? We're nowhere near done, and I need both of you to take this slow. You're on the right track, and you've grown a lot, especially lately.

"And all this... this isn't the kind of thing that we can just 'get through' in a session and never talk about again. Nancy, you were attacked, and if you've been ignoring that, you're going to have to deal with it. What you're telling me about Frank... well, in all honesty I find it troubling. I think you're excusing what he did to you because it's too difficult for you to admit how disturbing it was.

"And if Ned was already wary of him, that just compounds things."

Ned nodded, and Nancy tightened her fingers between his.

"If you two are planning on dating regularly... I want you to make a conscious effort to work on communication, okay? Share what you're feeling without just bottling it up and waiting until you're under such pressure that it's about to explode. But make sure that you _do not_ give in to the impulse to let any argument you have become physical. Do not. I know it's tempting, especially since you've already taken that path a few times.

"We're going to talk about those relaxation techniques, but in the meantime, if you feel yourselves becoming too angry, remove yourself from the situation. Take some deep breaths; count backwards. Agree to take a break and talk about it again later, but if you need to talk about it, don't just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away. Okay?"

Nancy and Ned nodded. "Okay," Ned said.

"Have you two discussed moving back in together?"

Nancy was the first to speak up. "I know Ned wants to," she said softly.

"And how do you feel, Nancy?"

She drew in a long breath. "I miss him," she said softly. "And I'm afraid that when we're living together again..." She swallowed. "That it will start happening all over again."

Ned pressed his lips tight together but didn't respond.

"And the only way you're going to know, is if you two do move back in together," Sol pointed out. "It's your decision, both of you, but I don't think you're ready yet."

Ned sighed and looked down, but he didn't object.

"How have your dates been going?"

Ned waited for Nancy to speak. "They've been good," she said, and her lips curved up a little. "They've... meant a lot to me."

"Me too," Ned said, squeezing her hand.

Sol nodded, looking back and forth between the two of them. "I told you it was going to take some work," he said. "It has, and it will; I won't deny that."

He paused. "It's just that, now... I'm starting to see it. What you two had that was so important to save. And it's exciting, knowing that I can help you create something like that again. And we can do this, I know we can."

Ned squeezed his wife's hand, and she brought her head up.

"I hope so," she whispered. "God, I hope so. I..." She made a faint sound. "I need this to work."

"And we will, Nan," Ned murmured, bringing her hand to his lips. "I know we will. We've been through so much, baby. We can do this.

"Because I need you too. I always have, and I always will."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

It started with a note. 

Nancy came back to her desk after an early meeting with her boss on Monday morning and was surprised to see a cream-colored envelope sitting squarely on her keyboard.  It bore no address or name, and for a second she was tempted to pick it up with her gloves so she could have it tested for fingerprints. 

Brushing aside that foolish thought, Nancy reached for the envelope, her curiosity getting the best of her. She used her letter opener to slit it open and gingerly took out the piece of paper inside. Despite herself, she began to smile as she read the letter. 

_Ms. Drew Nickerson,_   
_I must consult with you on an urgent matter. There is an issue that requires your specific experience and knowledge, and you are the only one who can assist me._   
_I am aware that you are extremely busy, but I am requesting your presence tomorrow evening at the location on the enclosed card.  Please meet me at seven p.m. sharp._   
_I urge you not to cancel or postpone this meeting, as it is extremely crucial that I see you. My happiness and well-being are at stake, as you hold both of them in your beautiful hands._   
_N._

"Ooh, so you got the letter!" The high-pitched voice snapped Nancy out of her trance, and she looked up to see the office’s new administrative assistant beaming at her. 

"Yes, I did," Nancy replied, glancing down at the piece of paper in her hand as she tried and failed to keep the smile off her face.

"The guy who handed it to me at the front desk was extremely insistent that I leave it in a place where you could see it. He made me promise to put it on your desk as soon as I got in. And he was so hot that I just couldn’t say no! Tall, dark, and _mmmm_." The secretary let out a loud giggle. "I wish someone like that left notes for me!"

Nancy wanted to be irritated, but she couldn’t muster the energy. "Yeah." She kept her answer deliberately short in the hopes that it would give the other woman a hint to leave. 

Instead, she stayed at Nancy’s desk, obviously looking to gossip and pump her for information. "Unfortunately, he was wearing a wedding band – otherwise, I’d be all over that," the secretary nattered on. "Just my type – dark hair, killer smile, and I could tell under those clothes that he had a _great_ body."

"He’s my husband," Nancy replied, and she winced internally when she heard the sharpness in her tone. 

The secretary still didn’t take the hint. "Oooh, you’re so lucky! Wait, that’s so weird—I thought that you were divorced." When Nancy gave her a puzzled look, the other woman waved her hand dismissively. "You don’t wear wedding or engagement rings, so I just figured…"

"No, I’m married," Nancy told her, adding a note of finality to her voice. It was the second time that someone had questioned the absence of her rings, and it bothered her more than she would have liked to admit.

The secretary must have finally caught on, because she gave Nancy a quick smile and wave and headed back to her own desk. Once she was out of sight, Nancy sank into her desk chair, re-reading the letter.

Ned had made reservations for them on Saturday night, but she’d had to cancel on him at the last minute due to a surveillance operation she’d been assigned late on Friday afternoon. His disappointment had been palpable through the phone line, but at least he hadn’t given her a hard time about having to break a date so she could work. 

Already mulling over her wardrobe options in her head, Nancy opened her email application on her laptop and clicked on her calendar, blocking off the following evening so that her boss couldn’t spring another last minute assignment upon her.  As she did, she realized that it hadn’t even occurred to her to turn down Ned’s invitation. 

 --

Nancy checked her reflection in the full-length mirror of her office’s ladies’ room at six the following evening. Luckily, she was the only one in there, so she had room to spread out her things. She wished that she could have somehow found the time to go home to change her clothes at home—and maybe use a curling iron—but doing so would likely have made her late for their reservation, thanks to the Chicago rush hour traffic.  

_Well, you still look good anyway_ , she told herself firmly. 

Her original plan had been to wear a dress that was already in her closet. However, after work the previous evening, she had popped into a department store downtown, not expecting to find anything suitable for their date. 

Instead, Nancy had been surprised to find the knee-length plum-colored chiffon cocktail dress in her size—and on the sale rack, no less.  She’d paired it with strappy pewter high-heeled shoes that she already owned, and on impulse had added the small diamond and sapphire earrings that Ned had originally bought for her not long after their wedding. 

After applying another coat of mascara and a swipe of blush and slicking on a coat of burgundy lipgloss, Nancy once again surveyed herself in the mirror. It felt both normal and strange to be dressing up for a date with Ned. In the past, it was something that she had done on a fairly regular basis, since he had liked to take her out to nice restaurants or clubs every few months.  Once they’d been in California, though, the only time she’d had to put on a fancy dress had been for his work functions—when the sole purpose of her presence had been to act as a pretty accessory on his arm. 

As much as she hated to let them, Nancy’s thoughts strayed to the last time she’d worn an evening dress: the night of the museum gala.  _And think about how that night turned out_ , she reminded herself wryly. The spats that she and Ned had at the event and then at the party afterwards had rankled her; the bitter and nasty fight they’d had in the car on the way home had led her to vow that she’d never again attend one of his work functions. _Which Ned apparently took as license to behave even more irresponsibly and fool around with his slut._

Nancy forced herself to push her negative thoughts and irritation out of her head. That incident had happened months ago, and they were both very different people now. At least she hoped they were; otherwise, this entire exercise she and Ned were going through was pointless.

With a sigh, she dropped her lipstick into her evening purse, closing it with a snap. After one final glance at her reflection, Nancy picked up her belongings and walked out of the restroom, the clicking of her heels on the tile floor echoing throughout the deserted space. 

\--

Fifty minutes later, Nancy pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot, smiling her thanks to the valet as he held open her car door. She took the ticket he handed to her and walked into the lobby, glad that the traffic hadn’t made her late for their reservation. 

She was just about to ask the hostess if Ned had arrived when she felt a hand at her elbow and caught a whiff of familiar aftershave. Nancy spun around to see her husband beaming at her. He looked astonishingly handsome and downright dapper in his navy suit, crisp French blue shirt, and blue and silver tie. 

"Hello, sweetheart," he greeted her, still smiling. "It’s so good to see you again. I missed you." When he bent down to kiss her cheek, Nancy actually trembled slightly from the feel of his lips on her skin.

The hostess led them to their table, which was set with fresh-cut flowers, candles, and thick linens. It was tucked away into a secluded little corner of the restaurant but also afforded them a spectacular view of the Chicago skyline. 

Once they were seated and the hostess departed after handing them their menus,  Nancy regarded Ned with amusement. 

"So, you chose the place where you proposed to me for real, huh?  And invited me in a letter, just like back then?"

Ned nodded, a grin on his face. "Couldn’t help myself. I just wish I could have sprung for the car service like I did last time."

Nancy waved her hand dismissively. "Treating me to dinner here is nice enough, Ned—it was no trouble to drive over, believe me. By the way, is this where you had made reservations for us on Saturday night?" When he nodded again, she gave him a sheepish shrug. "I’m sorry."

"Don’t worry about it, Nan, really. You had to work. I understand." She searched his face to see if he was holding back any anger or bitterness, but she couldn’t detect either in his expression. 

_Of course, he’s gotten a lot better at deceiving you over the last year,_ her inner voice whispered nastily. Aloud, she replied, "I still feel bad. You made plans, and I broke them." 

"Well, I’m just so glad you could make it tonight," he told her simply. "I hated not seeing you on Saturday because I miss you every hour that we’re apart, but I understand."

"Thank you," she replied quietly. 

"Have I told you how stunningly gorgeous you look tonight, Nan? I’m the luckiest man in the place. That dress is really amazing on you—you look very sexy, baby." 

Nancy noticed that his eyes lingered on the slightly-low cut scalloped v-neck of the dress, and it pleased her more than it should have. "It’s not the sequined dress I wore the night you proposed, but I thought it would do," she joked lightly.

"Part of the charm of that dress was finding out later that you weren’t wearing anything underneath it," Ned teased back. 

She felt a tingle go down her spine at the memory. After his proposal, Ned had brought her to a fancy hotel, where she’d stripped down to her shoes and his ring. They’d attempted to make love for the first time, but when Nancy had found penetration to be too painful, they had hesitated. Instead of pushing her or getting angry, Ned had immediately suggested that they fool around without actually having sex. The things they’d done instead had made them both wild with desire. 

With one look at his brown eyes, which were glowing with intensity, Nancy could tell that Ned’s thoughts had veered off into the same direction as hers had. She cleared her throat and took a sip from her water glass to try and cool herself down.  Ned apparently had the same idea; he reached for his own glass and took a long swallow. 

She broke the silence. "Sorry to disappoint, Nickerson, but I’m wearing underwear tonight."

"You in your underwear could never disappoint me, Nan," he replied with a lopsided grin. "But I must say that as amazingly beautiful as you were back then, you’re ten times more gorgeous now." 

When he moved his hand to put it back onto his lap, Nancy reached out and gently clasped his forearm. "You’re wearing the chess piece cufflinks I bought you for one of our dating anniversaries all those years ago."

Ned put his hand over hers. "I thought it would be fitting. After all, it’s part of our past, just like this restaurant and the karaoke bar and Chez Louis. They’re the things that make up our history, Nan." 

"Well, I appreciate the gesture." 

"And _I_ happened to notice that you’re wearing the earrings I gave you—the first ones. It seems I’m not the only one who wanted to revisit the good times in our past."

Nancy self-consciously touched her left earlobe, twirling the earring’s post with her fingertips. "They went with the dress," she replied simply. 

"They do," he confirmed, dipping his head, "and they look just as perfect on you as they did the first time you wore them." 

They continued to keep their hands clasped, just gazing at each other, until their waiter came by to check on their orders. Both of them pulled back and glanced over their menus, but Nancy was secretly disappointed that she and Ned were no longer touching. 

"So, what was the urgent matter you wanted to discuss tonight?" Nancy asked. Ned looked at her blankly. "In your letter, you said that you had an urgent matter that only I could help you with, that it was crucial for you to see me."

"Oh!" he exclaimed, chuckling. "I was referring to the fact that I missed you so damn much, Nan. Only being with you could cure it."

"Very charming, Mr. Nickerson," she replied lightly.

His tone was serious when he answered her. "It’s the truth. I know I said it earlier, but I hate being apart from you. I know that the reasons for it were of my own doing, and I understand why we need to keep our distance right now, but that doesn’t make it suck any less, Nan. 

"I just… I just _miss you_ , baby. Not getting to come home to you at night, not getting to see you in the morning… not getting to hold you in my arms after a long day… I hate it," he stated plainly.

_I hate it, too,_ was her first thought, but she refrained from speaking the words aloud.  Logically, rationally, she knew that letting him move back in before their relationship was stable was entirely too risky, and would likely result in a permanent breakup. She couldn’t risk having him in such close proximity each and every day if it just meant that he’d have the chance to hurt her again. It didn’t mean that she wanted it any less, though. 

"Missing you is like this tangible thing, and the only thing that makes my day bearable is when I get to see you or talk to you or text you."

"Ned, it has to be this way... you heard what Sol said…" Nancy’s voice trailed off when she felt it begin to waver under the sudden rise of tears. 

"I know, and I’m not pushing you, baby—I swear it," he hastily reassured her. "That’s not my intention. But it makes me so happy when we’re together, and so depressed when we’re apart."

Nancy wanted to get the conversation back to a lighter vein. "Well, we’re together now," she replied, forcing a cheerful note into her voice. 

It worked; Ned dipped his head in acknowledgement and gave her a heart-melting grin. "That we are, baby. And this has been the highlight of my week. 

"So, what do you feel like eating tonight?" he asked, looking back down at his menu. "I think I could go for steak."

"You could always go for steak," she joked.

Ned chuckled self-deprecatingly. "What can I say? I’m a carnivore all the way. Cowboy cut ribeye with garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli in a three-cheese sauce—my stomach’s already growling." He patted it through his shirt. 

"Well, I want to try the jumbo lump crabcakes with blush sauce and a side of olive oil-sautéed spinach with garlic," Nancy decided as she scanned the menu. 

"Perfect. That way I can have surf and turf," he teased.

She made a mock annoyed face at him as she snapped her menu shut. "Get your own crabcake, Nickerson."

"Why would I do that when I can take some of yours? Besides, Drew, everything tastes better from your plate, anyway."

"Then it’s only fair that I get some of your steak."

"Deal," Ned agreed promptly, also closing his menu. "And I’m also going to get the shrimp cocktail and grilled calamari appetizers – I figured we could both have a little of each."

"I’d ask how on earth we could eat it all, but then I’m dining with the bottomless pit," Nancy teased. 

"I have a feeling that you’ll be able to do some damage, too. You look even better this week—healthy and gorgeous." 

Nancy smiled her thanks. Truth be told, she had even noticed the difference herself: when she’d gone shopping, she’d been pleased that the dress hadn’t hung off her frame like it would have a few months before. 

"Shit, I didn’t even ask. Did you want a drink?"

Nancy hesitated. She did, but she still wasn’t eager to provide Ned with temptation, especially since he was making such an active effort to maintain his sobriety.

It was as if he’d read her mind. "Nan, I’m gonna have to get used to being around alcohol. It’s a part of life; I can’t avoid being in its presence."

"I know, but I don’t _have_ to have a drink. It’s not a big deal. Really. Besides, I kind of have a hankering for a good sparkling water. Think they have the citrusy one from the French Alps that we had at Chez Louis?" Truthfully, she didn’t care what kind of water it was, but it was so nice to have little inside jokes with him again. 

Ned cracked up. "I’m not sure, but if they don’t, are you okay with one from Italy or the U.S.?"

She sighed dramatically. "I’ll handle the disappointment somehow."

They continued to tease each other and joke while eating their appetizers, and Nancy was struck by how comfortable, how easy it was to be with him. 

"So, there _was_ another reason that I wanted to see you tonight…" Ned told her once they were waiting for their entrees to arrive. 

"What’s that?"

"Well," he said, reaching across the table to take her hand again, "you were so incredibly helpful the last time that we brainstormed about my agency, I was hoping we could do it again. Like I said in the note, your expertise is greatly valued."

Telling herself not to be disappointed that he didn’t want to discuss personal things again, she instead fixed a bright smile onto her face. _At least he still values your opinion_ , her inner voice whispered. 

"So, what are we planning out tonight?" she asked. 

Ned beamed at her. "I’m so glad you asked. I was hoping that you’d maybe join me to scope out a few potential office spaces. I have a list that one of my dad’s Realtor friends gave me, but I thought it would be great if we could look at them together."

"Sounds good. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about each one right now so we can decide if there are any that can be ruled out right off the bat?"

"See, told you I needed you!" Nancy giggled at the mock expression of triumph on his face. 

\--

"Thanks again for dinner, Ned. I had a really nice time." They were standing outside the restaurant, waiting for the valet to bring their cars around, and Nancy had to admit to herself that she felt a twinge of disappointment at the thought of having to end their evening. 

"I did too, sweetheart." He leaned in and pressed his lips to her cheek; it wasn’t just the chill in the evening air that caused her to shiver. 

Glad that she’d brought her cashmere wrap, she pulled it around her more tightly. "Did you…" She let the sentence linger. 

"Did I what, Nan?" he prompted her. 

"Did you maybe want to come by the house for some more coffee, or to watch TV? And when I say coffee or TV, that’s all it would be, Ned," she warned him gently. Nancy didn’t want to give him the wrong idea and lead him to believe that they’d be going to bed. No matter how much her body was craving sexual release. 

He rewarded her with a huge smile. "I would absolutely love that. Anything so I can delay having to say good night to you."

"Okay, great. Then meet me back at the house and I’ll put on a pot." 

Ned bent down to kiss her on the lips just as the valet was pulling her car up front. "See you soon, babe."

As it turned out, Ned arrived at the house before she did; Nancy pulled into the driveway to find his car already parked there. 

"How’d you manage to beat me home?" she called out playfully as she got out of her car. 

Ned rose from his position on the porch steps. "Just lucky, I guess," he replied. 

"Lucky, or did someone speed on the way over here?" she teased, wagging her finger at him before unlocking the front door. 

He shrugged easily, following her inside. "Little bit of both?"

"Thought so." Nancy stepped out of her shoes, wincing when her feet touched the cold hardwood floor. "Why don’t you have a seat in the den while I make coffee?"  He offered to help but she shooed him off.

She reappeared from the kitchen a few minutes later, tray in hand, to find Ned sprawled out on the couch with the TV remote clutched in his hand. His suit jacket was off, his tie had been loosened, and his shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

"This TV hasn’t been tuned to ESPN since you’ve been gone," she teased lightly. 

"Then thank God I was here to rescue it from a life of crime dramas and news," Ned replied with mock gravity. He helped her to set the tray onto the coffee table. "Hey, are those homemade cookies I see?"

"Actually, they’re from Peterson’s bakery," she informed him before taking a seat on the couch next to him. "I helped old Mr. Peterson with a little pro bono work, and he insisted on paying me in baked goods."

"That’s the kind of arrangement I can get behind." He reached for a jam-filled sandwich cookie and chewed, his face taking on a blissful expression. "Still as delicious as ever. I can’t believe he’s still alive, though. Wasn’t he was ancient even back when you and I first met?"

"I know, and unfortunately, he’s ill again, too." Nancy sampled the cookie she’d plucked from the plate on the tray and sighed contentedly. "Just as good as I remembered. Hannah used to laugh at the way I’d manage to convince Mr. Peterson to let me sample these fresh out of the oven; I was that impatient to get a taste." She smiled at the memory.

Ned reached over and tugged gently on a lock of her hair. "Probably because you were such an adorable little girl—pretty strawberry blonde hair, big blue eyes… No wonder he couldn’t resist."

They ate their cookies and drank their coffee while continuing to chat, half-watching the movie that Nancy had flipped to after grabbing the remote from Ned.  

"You have a little…" Ned reached out and brushed at the wedge of skin that the v-neck of her dress revealed. "Just a few crumbs." 

She actually shuddered at the feel of his fingers brushing against her chest. "Thanks." Her voice was huskier than she would have liked. 

"Did I tell you how smokin’ hot you look tonight?" He inched closer to her and Nancy didn’t pull away. 

"You did," she acknowledged. 

"Well, it bears repeating, Nan. You look so unbelievably sexy and gorgeous."

She could feel herself flush. "Thanks. You look great too, Ned. I love when you wear that navy suit."

"Thank you." He moved even closer, then cupped his hand around her cheek. "Can we kiss for a little while?"

The way he’d asked her the question reminded her of when they had first been dating, when Ned had been sweetly tentative whenever he had wanted to kiss her or touch her. She nodded, the spark of desire reflected in his eyes leaving her unable to speak. 

 When he leaned in and gently rubbed his lips back and forth over hers, Nancy’s skin started to tingle from anticipation. 

"I want to take this nice and slow," Ned murmured. "So I can taste you—savor you." 

His tongue gently probed her lips, and Nancy opened her mouth slightly to allow him access. The strokes of his tongue against hers were maddeningly, deliciously slow and deliberate; if she wasn’t anchored to her spot by the light brush of his fingertips against her face, she thought she’d melt into a puddle on the couch. She sighed into his mouth. 

Ned pulled back, ending the kiss with a loud pop, and both of them panted as they stared at each other. "I love you," he told her. 

"I love you, too," she whispered. 

He began to kiss her again; Nancy was wholly unsurprised when one of his hands shifted from her hip to gently cup her breast through her dress. She knew she should stop him, but it felt entirely too good. 

As they kept kissing, Ned used his thumb to stroke her nipple, coaxing it hard underneath the chiffon. The flesh between her thighs pulsed in answer, and she gripped at his tie to pull him closer. The temptation to lie back and let him make love to her right there on the couch was incredibly strong. 

Just as she was about to tell him to stop, Ned broke off their kiss.

"Nan, if we keep going, I’m not going to want to stop until we’re both naked and I’m buried deep inside of you," he told her. "So I think I need to leave."

Her heart was hammering in her chest and the muscles deep inside of her clenched again at his words, but Nancy nodded. "I think that’s a good idea." 

Ned rose from the couch and slowly pushed down his shirt sleeves, re-knotted his tie, and put his suit jacket back on. As Nancy looked up at him, she tried to pretend that she didn’t see the bulge at his crotch—just like he was probably trying not to stare at her clearly erect nipples. She got up with a sigh and followed him to the front door.  

"Thanks again for the cookies and coffee, Nan—and for the making out." He grinned at her impishly.

"You’re welcome, on both counts."  Nancy opened the front door, shivering slightly from the cold wind that blew into the house. 

Ned walked out but lingered on the porch. "So, I guess I’ll see you in two days for our therapy session. Maybe we could get together over the weekend?"

"I’d like that. I’m not sure what day, though; Bess was going on and on about seeing some Channing Tatum movie but we haven’t coordinated our plans yet."

"I know how she likes her Channing Tatum movies," he chuckled. 

"I’ll call or text you, if that works?"

"Works for me. Now, since I can see your teeth chattering, I’d better let you get back into the warm house.  Good night, Nan—I love you."

He leaned in for one last kiss and Nancy stood on her tiptoes to bring her lips to his. "Good night, Ned," she whispered. 

Despite the cold, she lingered on the porch as he ambled down the walkway to where his car sat in the driveway. Just before he pulled away, Ned rolled down his window and stuck out his hand to wave good night. Nancy returned his wave and stood there another moment longer, watching his car as long as she could.

Once he was out of sight, she closed the front door, suddenly feeling a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature outside. The house felt lonely and empty without his presence and the thought of having to go upstairs and sleep alone made her incredibly sad.  

For a brief, impulsive moment, Nancy imagined texting him and telling him to come back, to finish what they’d started on the sofa. Good sense took over, and she instead went into the den to straighten up and turn off the TV. 

When she was done with her busy work, Nancy made her way upstairs into the bedroom, unbelievably frustrated. For the first time in a long time, she dipped into the drawer where they’d kept their toys and took out a vibrator.  She stared at it for a long moment before quickly shedding her dress and underwear. 

Nancy got onto the bed and turned on the vibrator, working it against the slick inner flesh between her thighs as she thought about what she and Ned had done downstairs on the sofa. 

Her last coherent thought before she came was that it would be in her best interest to make sure she was prepared with some kind of birth control on hand when she and Ned had their next date, just in case.

\--

When they arrived for their therapy session on Thursday, Ned eagerly took Nancy’s hand and gave her a kiss hello before they sat down together on the couch. 

The contact of his skin and hers made Ned remember how hard he’d been when he’d walked out of the house after their date two nights earlier. He had barely made it through the front door of his apartment before he’d frantically unzipped his pants and pushed them down, jacking himself off as he’d recalled kissing Nancy and touching her through her dress.  One glance at Nancy’s face right now, and he could tell she was also remembering their steamy makeout session. 

Ned faced forward to find Sol watching them, unable to disguise the glint of amusement in his eye. "Have the two of you been spending time together outside of our sessions again?"

"We had dinner together on Tuesday night," Nancy spoke up. 

"And things went well?" Sol brushed a piece of lint off the sleeve of his vintage Ramones t-shirt with the backs of his fingers.

"Yes," Ned confirmed. "We had a great time—we talked, we were relaxed…"

"It’s true. What Ned’s not telling you is that I had to stand him up for our date on Saturday night because I had to work, and he was extremely understanding about it. He didn’t try to guilt me or start an argument.  I really appreciated how patient he was about the change in plans." She turned her head to smile at Ned, and he smiled back. 

"Did either of you have anything to drink during your date?"

Ned shook his head emphatically. "No. I haven’t had a single drop of alcohol since the night I had that beer."

"And I didn’t want to tempt him, so I stuck with water, too," Nancy jumped in.

"Good. It sounds like things are going in a positive direction. Which is not to say that we don’t still have a lot of work ahead of us," Sol clarified quickly. "So let’s get down to what I wanted to talk about.

"First, let me say that I’m glad that you’re both making such a concerted effort to get your relationship back on track. However, in order to ensure that this peace is a lasting one, we need to start thinking long-term. As good as things are now, it’s unreasonable to expect that from here on out, everything will be puppies and rainbows."

When Nancy and Ned gave him matching looks of puzzlement, their therapist explained further. 

 "During most of the sessions we’ve had, one or both of you have mentioned Carly or Ben. No matter what we’ve been talking about or the topic at hand, their names always seem to come up. You’re both still angry and hurt, which is understandable, but I think we need to talk about ways to forgive and move on. Otherwise, you will never be able to have a solid marriage again."

Ned could hear Nancy draw in a breath from her side of the couch. "Sol, I hear what you’re saying. The logical, rational side of me agrees completely. And most of the time I can focus on the progress that Ned and I are making and all the ways that our relationship has turned into something positive again. But…" 

She remained silent for a full thirty seconds. "But there are still moments when I think about how I found my husband with _her_ in that hotel room. About all the times he lied to me so he could be with _her,_ so he could drink and get high and flirt with _her._

"And it feels like it just happened yesterday, not months ago. The pain, the anger… I just can’t shake them, no matter how hard I try.  On bad nights, I close my eyes, and I see them together—see my husband kissing and touching another woman, her kneeling in front of him and putting his cock into her mouth. That was something…" she paused, her voice thick with sobs. "I was the only one that had ever done that with him. We were each others’ first, each others’ only, before…"

Ned studied his hands, not sure if he would be able to speak around the large lump in his throat.   

"Now that’s not true anymore." Ned could hear the bitterness and sorrow in Nancy’s tone. "He’s fooled around with someone else—something that was special, just between us, isn’t anymore.  It makes me sad; it makes me sick. 

"And what you’ve told me makes sense, Sol, it really does. I need to be able to just let go, just forget and move on."

"I’m going to stop you right there, Nancy," Sol jumped in. "I’m not asking you to forget, because I know that’s impossible.  You can’t forget everything that Ned’s told you, just as you can’t un-see what you witnessed that night at the hotel.  

"What I _am_ asking you to do is forgive. To say, ‘ _Ned, I know you did these horrible things to me, to our marriage, and you hurt me terribly. You betrayed my trust and I am disappointed in you for doing so. But I believe you when you say that you have changed your ways and you have expressed sincere regret for the things you’ve done, and I forgive you. I_ forgive _you.’_  

"Let’s put aside for a moment the way that forgiveness can help strengthen your marriage, Nancy. Even if you ultimately decide that you don’t want to take him back, that divorce is the best option for you, you still need to learn how to forgive what Ned’s done. It’ll go a hell of a long way towards helping your own peace of mind and allowing yourself to heal."

"What about Ben?" Ned’s voice sounded harsher than he’d intended it to. 

Nancy looked over at him, the hurt and anger and shame clearly etched on her face. 

"What about him, Ned?" the therapist asked. 

"What she’s saying about my... relationship with Carly… she’s right. I did a terrible thing by ever becoming involved with her. Even though we technically never had sex—" 

Nancy cut him off with a noise of irritation, but Ned kept going. "Even though I _technically_ never had sex with Carly, it was still an affair, all the same. I broke my marriage vows. Nancy, no matter how many times I apologize, no matter how much I tell you that I’ve changed, I can never take back what I did. 

"And I know that you’d say the same about—Ben." He uttered the name as if it were a curse. "You’ve told me over and over and over that you only spent time with him because I was otherwise occupied. I acknowledge the part I played in that, how my actions drove you towards him.  

"But damn it, when it’s late and I’m lonely, I can’t help but think about you with that bastard. How you let him kiss you and touch you and get your clothes off, how you almost fucked him."

"Ned," she whispered. "I know, and I’m sorry. I was just angry and hurt that night—I was lashing out, begging for comfort."

"I know, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult for me to think about, Nan. I was the only man who’d ever seen you naked, who’d kissed and touched your breasts… and now I’m not, not anymore." 

He couldn’t bring himself to look at her, but he could hear Nancy sniffling. "I can’t believe this happened." Her voice was so soft that he had to strain to hear her. "That we let our marriage get to this point."

Ned gave a hollow chuckle. "I know. I’m pissed at myself, I’m pissed at you, I’m pissed at Carly, I’m pissed at that bastard Ben…"

"I still have doubts," Nancy whispered. "No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to believe that you’re back to being the man I fell in love with, I still have doubts. And questions."

"Questions about what, Nancy?" Sol asked. 

"About what happened between him and Carly." Her voice was still soft.

Sol took a deep breath. "Before you ask them, I’m going to warn you to be very careful about what you wish for. You may think you want the answers, but you may regret that decision once you hear them."

"I know, but I feel like what I’m imagining in my head may be worse than what actually happened."

"What if it’s not?" Sol asked her gently. 

"Anything you want to ask me, Nancy, just ask it," Ned told her quickly. "I’ll tell you anything you want to know."

"Anything?" she asked, and the skepticism was written all over her face when she looked over at him.

Ned nodded. "I don’t want there to be secrets between us anymore, Nan. I just have one request in return."

"What?" Nancy’s tone was wary.

"That I get to ask you my questions, too."

She paled slightly, but nodded. "That’s fair."

"If you’re both okay with this, then I’m okay with it," Sol interjected. "But as your therapist, I again want to warn you—you may not like the things you’re about to hear. And once they’re out there, they can’t be taken back."

Nancy sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. "I know, Sol, but there are some things I just have to know.  The _not knowing_ is what’s driving me crazy. I hate having to imagine my husband with that slut. Wondering what they did together, what he said to her…"

"I’ll tell you anything you want to know, baby," Ned repeated. 

"Then let’s start with... were you in love with her?"

Ned couldn’t help but notice that her voice wobbled at the end of her question, and it broke his heart. "No! No, baby, I didn’t love her, and I never told her that I did." He reached out for her hand, but Nancy’s arms remained folded underneath her breasts. 

"So it was just lust, then? Just sexual attraction?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it was. And I hate having to confess that I had those kinds of feelings for another woman, but it’s the truth. Nan, I don’t know why, and it had nothing to do with you." When she gave a snort of disbelief, he continued. "I swear it, Nan! I didn’t mean that I found you any less attractive or desirable—"

She turned to look at him, her blue eyes flashing. "So you mean to tell me that you didn’t compare us? You didn’t look at her big tits and her curvy hips and her generous ass—all of which she gladly showed off for you in those tight clothes—and think about how your wife wasn’t nearly as stacked?"

Ned hung his head in shame. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he also didn’t want to hurt her by confessing the thoughts he’d had back then. 

He finally spoke. "Nan, it really wasn’t about that.  Yeah, she was pretty and sexy, and when you were losing all of that weight—"

"So it was _my_ fault?" Nancy interjected. 

"No!" he protested vehemently. "Nan, no! Look, we were fighting all the time, things were tense and horrible between us, you were like a stranger to me, and I… I was taken in by her act. She never said no, she was fun, she made it clear that I could have anything I wanted. 

"Carly made me feel like I was the sexiest man in the world. For once, I wasn’t just the guy next door or the guy who married Nancy Drew; in her eyes, I was this powerful, desirable man."

"I always treated you like you were sexy and desirable, Ned," she snapped.

"You did in the past, yeah," he replied, still fighting to keep his tone even. "But in California, you were cold and distant; she was warm and willing. She represented danger, risk… 

"In a way it reminded me of the way our relationship used to be.  We used to have all of that when I’d help you with your cases—it was constantly thrilling. Then things between you and me had changed. We weren’t working together; we were coming apart. I started looking for those thrills elsewhere."

" _Obviously_ ," she huffed, glaring at Ned. 

"And there was Carly, reckless and just tempting me to take action… I hate to admit it, but all of that was pretty fucking seductive. And I… I was weak, Nan.

"Every twitch of her hips, every time she crossed and uncrossed her legs or leaned over me or licked her lips, every flirtatious comment and blatant come-on… Now I can see that it was all calculated on her part, designed to draw me in. I fell for all of it like a sucker. She put out the bait and I took it, gladly."

"Were you telling me the truth when you said you never fucked her?" This time, Nancy’s voice was quieter. 

"Yes!" Ned exclaimed. "Baby, I _never, ever, ever_ fucked her. I swear on my life!"

"You wanted to." Nancy turned it into a statement rather than a question. "Don’t you dare sit here and lie to me and tell me no, Ned. I know you did, because you mentioned that threesome the night of our huge fight and I know damn well that she was the one you wanted to invite into our bed. Into _our_ bed, the one that we shared together as husband and wife. You wanted that whore to be there when we were intimate, to take something sacred between the two of us and invite in a stranger—so just admit that you wanted to fuck her, Ned."

"I…" _Be honest with her_ , his inner voice urged. "I thought about it, and there were times I was tempted. But I couldn’t do it. No matter how drunk or high I was, no matter how strongly she came onto me or what she did to try to get me into bed, I never slept with her, Nan."

"And you aren’t just trying to get by on a technicality?" Nancy pressed on determinedly. "Telling me you didn’t fuck her, when in reality you did other stuff that was just as bad with her?"

"Absolutely not," Ned replied immediately. "Nan, I told you that I kissed her and touched her breast and that I stopped her from giving me that blow job at the hotel, but that was it."

"Was that the only time you kissed her?"

For a moment, Ned regretted being married to an investigator. "No," he admitted, the single word hanging in the air between them. 

"Shit," she swore, her voice shaking, and he could tell she was trying not to cry. 

"Nan, I know, and I’m sorry. But it was after you’d left me—I didn’t know where you were, whether it was permanent…"

"You took your damn sweet time coming to find me," she interjected bitterly. 

"I’m sorry," he repeated. "But I was feeling sorry for myself, and I was such a fucking mess. I’ve already told you that I had gotten drunk and high with her, and she invited me back to her place…" 

He heard Nancy’s muted sob, but continued his story. "We kissed, she invited me in, offered to do all kinds of shit for me, with me… I was horny as hell, but I turned her down, Nancy. I turned her down because I couldn’t cross that line. I knew that if I did, I’d never get you back."

"And you expect me to believe you." Again, Nancy didn’t seem to be asking him as much as telling him. 

Ned turned to face his wife. "Nancy, I swear on everything that is precious and holy to me that I did not have sex with her or do anything else that could be construed as sex with her.

"I am telling you the complete, absolute truth. No matter how shitty things were between you and me, I loved you and I did not want to take that step—I could not take that step—because I knew that it would irrevocably destroy our already crumbling marriage. Please, _please_ believe me, Nan."

She sniffled, but didn’t pull away when he scooted closer to touch her knee. "I love you so much that I could not have sex with another woman, Nancy. Even when I was high, I just couldn’t do that to you—to _us_. 

"It’s awful to admit it now, but when I was alone in our house in Hancock Park after you’d left, I thought about what it would be like for me to just stay there—what would happen if I didn’t beg you to come back to me. I was actually stupid enough to think about what would happen if I were to give you up to be with her."

Ned chuckled but it was devoid of humor. "But then I realized that I’m no good without you, Nancy. Without you, my life would be worthless. There wouldn’t be happiness or joy if you weren’t my wife anymore. And I hated myself for actually considering throwing away everything that you and I had built up over the years over someone like Carly."

Nancy studied his face, and he thought that she was trying to see if she could detect any deception in his expression.  "Have you been in contact with her since you left Los Angeles?"

"No. She called me when I first came back to Chicago, but I hung up on her. I’ve blocked her number, erased it from my phone, and I haven’t texted or talked to her since I was in L.A." He dug in his jeans pocket for his cell phone, holding it out to her. "You can check my call and text history, Nan."

She looked down at his phone as if she were considering his offer, but instead shook her head. 

"I haven’t communicated with Carly because that part of my life is over, Nan. I have no interest in seeing her or talking to her because I see her for what she is."

"Was there anyone else? Another woman besides Carly?"

"No!" he cried out. "There was no one else but her, Nan. I promise you that."

Nancy remained silent for a moment. "Is there anything else that happened in California that you need to tell me about, Ned? Anything else you’ve been hiding from me, any other secrets? I need to know all of it before I can even think about forgiving you."

Ned swallowed. "You know that I got a ticket for driving drunk, but… I actually got pulled over a second time."

Nancy gasped. "What? When?"

He felt ashamed by his confession, but he didn’t want to hold anything back. He’d promised to be honest, and he wanted to keep that promise. "I was entertaining clients at a… a strip club, and Carly showed up."

"Of course she did," she sneered. 

"Yeah. One thing led to another and I had had a lot to drink and then… then she and I did coke in the bathroom." His stomach tightened from the memory, from saying the words aloud, but it was too late to stop now. "Then I was dumb enough to get in the car to drive her home, and the cops pulled me over."

"Oh my God," Nancy whispered, the horror evident in her tone. 

"I knew that if I got another ticket, I could have my license revoked, or go to jail. So…Carly and I switched seats and the cop gave her a warning."

"Oh my God," she repeated. 

Ned was terrified that everything he was telling Nancy would make her get up and leave him for good, but he had to spill it all, put everything on the table. 

"And... one morning I woke up and found dents in my car—apparently, I’d hit something when I had driven home fucked up the night before. I… I’d been so drunk that I hadn’t even remembered the accident. I had the car fixed before you could notice."

He could hear her sniffle loudly and looked over to see her shaking her head in disbelief. 

 "Nancy, like I said before, I haven’t had a single drink since the night I had the beer that we fought about," Ned reminded her desperately. "And I haven’t done coke since California. You’ve _seen_ me turn down alcohol and drugs; I haven’t done them behind your back, either."

"Is there anything else?" Her voice was remote, as if it were coming from miles away instead of from her seat next to him on the sofa. 

"No. No, Nancy. I can’t believe I did all those things. I was a terrible person and a shitty husband. But I can’t take them back, as much as I want to. If I could, I’d undo it all, every horrible thing I did that caused you pain. I’m sorry, and I am trying so hard, every minute of every day, not to be that person I was in L.A. Because I love you and I will do anything, absolutely anything, to fix our marriage." 

Nancy just stared at him silently, and he was unable to read her expression. 

"So, Nancy, now that Ned’s come clean, do you feel like it will help you to forgive him?" 

Ned was surprised by Sol’s question; he had been so focused on Nancy that he’d almost forgotten that the therapist was in the room. 

"He’s confessed about some of the things he’d previously kept from you. There was really no reason for him to do so because it was unlikely you’d have ever found out about them, but he did it anyway. Ned’s also told you that he didn’t have sex with Carly, and that he hasn’t talked to her since his return. Do you believe him?"

Ned almost cried with relief when Nancy nodded, but he could sense her reluctance. "I shouldn’t, but I do," she replied quietly. "And you were right. I fucking hated hearing everything my husband just told me. But I still feel like I had to know, Sol. I was so tired of imagining them together that I needed to know the truth.

"But I’m still so angry, and so hurt." Her voice was pitched so low that Ned had to strain to hear her. "I can’t believe that he could actually be seduced by someone like _her._ That he’d actually considered destroying our marriage over someone who would have moved on to the next man right after she’d bagged him as one of her conquests, someone he didn't even have feelings for. But… but he didn’t. He still came back to be with me. And God knows I haven’t made it easy on him. But he’s still here."

"And I always will be." Ned reached over and gently rubbed the pad of his thumb under her lower lashes to catch the tears brimming in her eyes. "I will always be here by your side, baby. And I am so fucking sorry for what I did. I will never take you for granted again, I will never again treat you the way I did, or make you feel like you aren’t my number-one priority. I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and how important you are to me."

Nancy turned to face him and he drew her into his arms, holding her tightly. He could smell her perfume and shampoo, and the smells were so familiar and comforting that he just breathed her in for a moment. 

Finally, she pulled away. "Hearing just how bad your alcohol and drug abuse was makes me feel stupid," she admitted quietly. "How could I have missed it? I knew you were drinking, obviously, but to find out that you were so intoxicated that you were pulled over twice, that you hit something and didn’t even realize it? Do you know how fucking terrifying that is for me to hear?"

"I know, Nan. But I am sober, I swear to you. If you’d feel better about me going to an AA meeting or another alcohol or drug abuse support group, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to prove to you that I’m clean, baby."

"I believe you about that, too," she replied. "But it doesn’t make this less frightening. I just can't believe how far apart you and I were. Before California, it would have been impossible for you to hide shit like this from me; when we were out there, though, you had a secret life. Hell, I had one, too.

"I know there were things I did, things that made it all too easy for you to go looking for someone else to comfort you. And I’m not proud of them."

"Ned, you’ve come clean tonight; what questions do you want Nancy to answer?" Sol asked. "You told us before you had some."

He looked at his wife’s tear-stained face and deliberated for a minute. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Go ahead," she prompted him. 

"First, I want to know about Ben," he replied simply. "You’ve said before that you treated him like a substitute for me, but was it more than that? Did you love him?"

It was her turn to be indignant. "No! Ned, I didn’t love him at all."

"So, what was it about him that made you almost screw him?" He was careful to keep his tone from turning accusatory. 

Nancy looked embarrassed. "I… I hate to say this, but when I first met him, there was this… spark of attraction between us. And I hadn’t felt that with another man in a long time."

Hearing her speak the words made the old fury rise in Ned, but he forced himself to remain calm. "So did he make the first move, or did you?"

"He did. He gave me his card under the guise of helping me with the case I was working at the time, and I pretended that was all it was about, but I knew better. I knew damn well what he was offering. I told him I was married, but he didn’t seem to care." She chuckled humorlessly.

"I called him one night because I was lonely and feeling sorry for myself, and then he began helping me on my cases. Every time, I told myself that it was just a professional relationship, that it was just one detective helping another. Until we had dinner together, then another meal, and then another... soon, we were eating together fairly regularly."

"Did you talk about me?"

Nancy nodded, but she stared into space, not looking at him. "We did. And of course, he kept telling me that you didn’t care about me. He’d say stuff like, _‘If you were my wife, I’d spend all of my time with you,_ ’ or ‘ _Your husband’s an idiot for leaving someone like you alon_ e’. It was flattering."

It took all of Ned’s strength not to run out of the room, go to O’Hare and get on the next flight to L.A. just so he could hunt Ben down and rip him limb from limb, then stomp the pieces. 

"The more time I spent with him, the closer we became. He turned into a friend, a confidant; he helped me with cases, called and texted to show that he was thinking about me. He reminded me of how you used to treat me. I _craved_ the attention, I _loved_ it—but I didn’t love _him_. 

"But I can’t deny that there was this… this attraction between us. When Bess came out to visit, I introduced her to Ben; I think it was my way of trying to end what was happening between him and I. Even _she_ could see what was going on, just from that little bit of time she saw Ben and me together. I denied it, of course, and told her that I’d never cross the line."

"Why?" Ned’s voice was harsher than he’d wanted it to be. 

Nancy blinked in surprise. "Why?"

"Yeah, _why_ didn’t you cross the line? After all, since I wasn’t paying attention to you, it would have been easy for you to hook up with him without me ever knowing."

"Because I knew deep down in my heart that he wasn’t the one I wanted! No matter how pissed I was at you, no matter how attractive I found him and how flattered I was by his attention, I knew that sleeping with him would have been the final blow to our marriage, Ned!"

"Did you kiss him?"

"Aside from that night we had that big fight, no... That was the only time that things got physical between Ben and I." She swallowed hard. "We... we had dinner one night and he almost kissed me a few times, but I..." She glanced down, another pair of tears dropping from her eyes, then back up at him. "I stopped him."

Her blue eyes radiated honesty, but Ned couldn’t stop picturing his wife with another man. "What did he look like?"

"What?"

"You heard me, Nan. What did he look like?"

She paused but answered his question, reluctance clear in her tone. "Tall. Blond. Muscular. Very handsome."

Ned shook his head. "So, some stereotypical California pretty boy cop."

She raised one strawberry blonde eyebrow. "Are we really going to get into a conversation about falling for someone who’s obvious?"

He decided not to continue on that path, instead changing the topic. "Was there anyone else?"

"No!" Nancy burst out. "Ned, he was the only one that I… I had a relationship with. There was no other man, I promise you."

"So I’ll ask you the same question you asked me earlier. Is there anything else you’re hiding from me?"

With each passing second of her silence, Ned felt his unease grow. 

Finally, she spoke. "When you were at the retreat on Catalina Island… when you were _drinking and doing drugs_ with Carly… I was out with Ben."

Ned didn’t trust himself to speak; instead, he clenched his fist so tightly that his fingernails dug into his palms. 

Nancy continued on. "He had done me a few work-related favors and told me that he wanted to cash in, since I owed him one. So, he invited me to hear his friend’s band play at this club, and I… I said yes. I tried to tell myself that it was just a couple of friends hanging out, but I knew better; I knew it was a date. 

"Then one of his female friends stopped by our table. Immediately, she became jealous because she could see that Ben was interested in me, and she made some catty little comment about my wedding rings. I walked out, and it would have been so easy to just make my excuses and end it, like I knew I should. Of course, Ben came after me and persuaded me to stay… and I did."

She drew in a ragged breath. "I hated myself because I knew it was wrong, and I felt so guilty, Ned. But he told me how hot I looked and he bragged about me and showed me off to his friends, and… at that moment, it was everything I wanted and needed to hear."

Ned stared down at his jeans, shaking his head, but remained silent. 

"After a few hours, I left for good. He asked me to go to another club or bar with him; he even asked if I’d go back to his place, but I knew that would be compounding the mistake I’d already made. So I went home. I went home _alone_ , Ned."

"Is that all of it?" his voice was dangerously soft.

"Yes. Ned, please look at me!" The tremor in her tone made him realize that she’d was near tears again. 

"So you made me feel guilty about lying to you about being with Carly that weekend—and admittedly, I should have felt guilty, because of the stuff I did.

"But you acted like you were the innocent party and made me feel like shit when you were off with your _boyfriend_!" Ned shouted, jumping up from the sofa to glare down at his wife. God, he was so fucking _pissed_ at her. 

"Ned," Sol interjected warningly. 

Nancy started to cry in earnest. "I know. I know, Ned! I should have told you before, but I was scared you’d react like this!"

"I don’t fucking believe this! It was one thing for you to tell me that you had been flirting with this guy and that you went to him on the night of our fight. But now… now I’m hearing that you went out on dates with him, that he called and texted you… What the fuck, Nancy?"  

"Ned, sit down." This time, Sol’s tone was firmer. "When you came clean with Nancy, she sat there calmly and listened to everything you had to say. Don’t you think she deserves the same courtesy?"

Ned dropped back down on the couch, but he was still fuming. "You know, you tell me that you’re tired of me throwing all of your past flirtations into your face, Nancy, but then I have to hear about shit like this!"

"That’s entirely different and you know it, Ned!" she protested hotly. "If our marriage had been in a better place, I probably just would have been flattered by Ben’s flirtation and ignored it. But I was so fucking lonely! I was mad at you and I was lonely, and I just wanted to be with someone who could make that pain go away! I really wanted that person to be you, but... you weren’t there, Ned. _You just weren’t there_."

The tears were pouring down her face; despite his irritation, Ned hated to see her cry. He leaned over and grabbed the tissue box off the table in front of them and handed it to Nancy. 

"Thanks," she murmured, plucking a tissue out of the box and wiping her cheeks. When she’d finally composed herself, she turned back to Ned. 

"I realize now that there were things I could have done to try and make myself feel at home in California, and I should have made more of an effort to start a new life out there. But I hated being away from my family and friends and I just felt so isolated. 

"I never should have let myself get sucked in by Ben... looking back, I can now see that he did all of the right things. He knew I was weak and he preyed on that weakness. He played me. 

"That said, no matter how strong the temptation was, I just could not have sex with him. You were the only man who had ever been inside me, who had ever made love to me, and I was heartbroken by the thought of sharing that intimacy with another man."

She took another tissue. "Ned, I love you; I’ve always loved you. And I’m sorry about my relationship with Ben. I never should have encouraged him, I never should have let it go on for as long as it did, and I _never_ should have gone to his apartment the night of our fight.  I am so, so sorry." Nancy reached out for his hand; after hesitating for a moment, he took her hand and clasped it tightly.

"Have you talked to him since you came back to Illinois?"

"No," she replied immediately. "The day after I went to his apartment, I left Ben a voicemail to tell him that we shouldn’t be in contact anymore. I haven’t heard from him since, nor have I made any attempt to get in touch with him.  It’s truly over, Ned."

"What about Frank Hardy?" The name popped out of his mouth before Ned could stop himself. 

He watched her visibly blanch. "What about him?"

"Nan, I need to know once and for all—what was your relationship with that bastard?" She paused, as if carefully deliberating her response. "Don’t lie to me or sugarcoat it," he commanded her. "We’re way past that point right now."

Nancy exhaled. "The truth is complicated, Ned—and I’m not just saying that to stall," she added hastily when he made a sound of irritation. "I wish I could lie to you and tell you that Frank and I had never acted on our mutual attraction, but I’ve already told you that I kissed him back when you and I were dating."

"On more than one occasion?" When he looked over to find Nancy slowly nodding her head, Ned’s stomach actually flipped. 

"Ned, I… I’m sorry. But it was back when I was young and foolish, when I was dumb enough to question whether what you and I had was real. Frank and I had kissed a couple of times when we’d worked together on cases. But we both pulled back from doing anything more serious because I had you, and he had Callie. 

"It’s true!" she exclaimed when he snorted. "I knew that I’d always regret it if I went further with Frank or if I ended my relationship with you over him. I realized that he could never give me the love and stability and support you give to me. In my heart, I knew that my feelings for him would never be more than a passing flirtation, whereas my feelings for you had only grown stronger every day."

"Nan, that’s all well and good, but it’s obvious to anyone with eyes in their head that he’s never gotten over that ‘passing flirtation’." Ned curled his fingers into air quotes. "I mean, look what happened in that fucking hotel room."

She paled slightly, her voice shaking when she answered. "I... I swear to you that I didn’t do anything to encourage him or lead him on, Ned. I need you to understand that his advances were completely inappropriate, and that I felt like it was a betrayal of our friendship when he tried to force himself on me."

"I do, Nan," Ned replied quickly. "Baby, I’m not saying that you were asking for it, or shit like that—you didn’t deserve to be attacked by him any more than you deserved it from those assholes Blake Whitney or Eric. But can _you_ understand why I’m not happy about you being around that douchebag Hardy? Why the thought of you working side-by-side with him again makes me skin crawl?"

"Yes," Nancy whispered softly. "And truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that again. My level of trust isn’t very high when it comes to Frank, and I don’t know if things can ever go back to the way they used to be. But if I ever do come to trust him again, I need to know that you’ll be able to trust _me_ again. Because I will never, ever have any type of a romantic relationship, or any type of physical one, either, with Frank.  I haven’t thought about him in that way since I was a teenager.

"Ned, I know that you had to put up with a lot of shit from me while you and I were dating. I broke dates, I flirted with other guys; I even kissed some of them.  I realize now that I hurt you very badly, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about Daryl and Mick and Nicholas and Sasha…"

Nancy sighed deeply. "God, I’m so sorry about Sasha, Ned. I’m sorry that you had to come visit me in the Hamptons after a summer of working your ass off to help earn money for my engagement ring, only to find out that I’d been cheating on you with a goddamn Russian ballet dancer. I am so fucking sorry, Ned—about all of them, but especially about those summers we spent apart."

"Do you know how much it killed me to see that?" he asked quietly.  Even though all of it had happened years before, it didn’t make it hurt any less. "To have to witness my girl, the girl I wanted to marry—trying to hide her obvious attraction to some stranger? Every time I turned around, some exciting guy like a Russian ballet dancer or an Australian dude or a Navel cadet or a guy from Belize had caught your attention." 

She studied her high-heeled shoes, her lips pressed together. 

"Oh, you’d get tired of them eventually and come back to me, but it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Boring old Ned Nickerson, your high school honey.  We’ve talked about this before, but it’s true; I felt like I was always on the edge, wondering if you’d get tired of a settled-down life with me and go off with some exciting, exotic guy."

"Ned," she whispered, her voice barely audible. 

"Can you blame me for being jealous? Guys like Frank or Ben, they’d be the perfect match for you. After all, they’re in your line of work, their lives are full of danger… 

"It would be the ideal situation for you—you wouldn’t have a nagging husband to argue with you about putting yourself into dangerous situations and risking your own safety; instead, you’d have a guy who would be your partner in fighting crime and saving the world."

Nancy shifted to sit sideways so she could look at him. "But that’s what you don’t get, Ned. Being in a relationship with a guy like Frank or Ben would be _terrible_ for me. I need someone to act as the voice of reason when I get carried away, someone to ground me. And that person is you. 

"Yeah, it pisses me off when you get overprotective and I hate that we have to fight about my job… but I like that you care enough about me to worry about my safety. I like the fact that you can give me a reprieve from the crazy world of crime fighting."

Ned cracked a smile, despite himself, but remained silent. 

"And you’ve never been boring, Ned. You’re sexy and smart and fascinating in your own right. I kept coming back to you because I realized that you were the other half of my heart. 

"It’s like that scene in _The Wizard of Oz_ where the Good Witch tells Dorothy that what she was looking for was in her own backyard all along. I finally grew up and wised up and realized that just because you were in my own backyard didn’t mean that you weren’t perfect for me. And I hate that I made you feel insecure for all that time I spent figuring that out."  She reached for his hand and Ned took it. 

Ned finally spoke. " _The Wizard of Oz_?" 

She nodded, a small smile on her lips. "It sounds silly, but it’s the perfect way to explain it."

"Nan, I appreciate what you’re saying, but… after all of these years, it’s still hard for me not to think about your long line of admirers. I have a hard time trying to forget."

"Ned, I’m going to tell you the same thing I said to Nancy earlier," Sol told him. "You can’t forget. But you need to get to a place where you’re able to say, ‘ _Nancy, it hurt me terribly that you turned to another man, and it hurt me terribly to know that were involved with other people while we were dating. But I believe you when you say that you have changed your ways and you have expressed sincere regret for the things you’ve done, and I forgive you. I_ forgive _you.’_

"And, just like you’ve done, she’s confessed to things that you probably never would have found out about if she hadn’t brought them up.  That tells me that she’s serious about making this work and about being honest with you."

Nancy and Ned just looked at each other, silently holding hands for a full two minutes before Sol spoke up again. "So, now that you both know everything, where do you go from here? Do you hold on to that bitterness and anger, do you let it consume your love for each other? Or do you decide to let it go already, to forgive your partner and make the conscious decision to leave the past in the past so you can start to rebuild your future?

"Because it’s a choice, one that each of you has to make. I can’t tell you what to do, and you can’t force each other to decide. But holding on to the negativity will only hold each of you back from moving forward, and it will only serve to prevent your marriage from succeeding."

"I forgive you." Ned’s voice was gravelly from the lump in his throat. "I forgive you, Nancy. It killed me to hear everything you told me about Ben tonight, but I understand that I played a role in it. By pushing you away, I fucking drove you into his arms, and that just makes me mad at myself. I let you slip away from me, and I can’t blame you for feeling angry and neglected."

"Thank you," she replied quietly through the tears that were starting to fall again. "And I forgive you, Ned. I know that I should have been more supportive of you and your career, I should have been more flexible.

"You were trying to do the right thing for us by taking that job, and despite what happened while we were out there, I know now that your intentions were good.  I should have told you and shown you how much I appreciated that and how proud of I was of you. And I know that I shouldn’t have just focused all of my energies on getting pregnant so I could escape my situation. All of that just made it easier for Carly to move in on you.

"While it still hurts me that you were tempted by her, I forgive you for what happened with Carly." She sniffled. "I understand why you went to her. I was mad about having to leave here and go to California, and I took it all out on you without really talking about how I felt. No wonder you looked elsewhere."

"When you talked to me, I didn’t listen. I just brushed aside your feelings and only cared about what I wanted. I was selfish, Nan." 

"No... you wanted your chance to shine, Ned. I get that now. I should’ve been more supportive instead of always fighting you about everything."

"I’m also sorry about what Frank and the others did to you, baby. I hate that those guys thought it was okay to just reach out and take what wasn’t theirs to have. That they put their hands on you and hurt you." 

He scooted closer to her on the couch and gently put his arm around her waist. "If I could, I’d find a way to make them suffer for it, sweetheart."

Nancy cuddled into him, and he could hear her sniffling against his shoulder. "And I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel unworthy over the years, that you’ve had to doubt my feelings and my commitment to you. I’m the unworthy one, Ned. I never deserved to have someone as loving and supportive as you as my partner, especially after I took you for granted for so long."

Ned stroked her hair, kissing the crown of her head. "I forgive you for it, Nan. We were both so young... I guess it was only natural that you were curious about other guys. But in the end, you chose me."

"I did," she replied softly, burrowing into his shoulder. "And this last year aside, I’ve never regretted it, Ned."

 "So now that you’ve said it, do you mean it? Sometimes words are words, and they don’t mean anything," Sol reminded them. "Granting someone your genuine forgiveness is a powerful thing. And if you’re serious about it, it means that you can’t throw your partner’s infidelity in their face during your next argument." 

"I mean it," Nancy replied, pulling back from Ned’s arms and clearing her throat. "It still makes me so sad to think about you with someone else, but I hate holding on to this anger.  I’m so fucking tired of it, of the drama. So I’m letting it go. I forgive you for what happened with Carly and I believe that you are truly sorry for it."

"Thank you," Ned whispered, stroking her back. "I’m so sorry that my actions hurt you, baby. And I forgive you, too. It kills me to think about you with another man, but I know why you did it.  

"I’m also sick of being angry and bitter—I just can’t do it anymore. I forgive you for what happened with Ben, and I believe that you’re sorry for it, too."

"And I believe the both of you. I do," Sol told them, smiling when they gave him looks of surprise. "I can sense genuine regret from the both of you. However…"

"Uh oh," Nancy said, and Ned laughed. 

The therapist chuckled. "Sorry, not letting you guys off of the hook yet."

Ned gave a mock groan. "Our time must be up by now."

"It is, but I want to drop one more nugget of wisdom on you tonight—make you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth."

"Hit us with it, Sol," Ned replied lightly. 

"One thing that I heard the both of you say tonight—and you’ve done it before, in our other sessions—was that you were driven to near-infidelity by your partners’ actions. And to some extent, that’s true. 

"However, a big part of moving forward requires you to accept responsibility for your own actions, for the part that each of you played in getting your marriage to the state where it is today. 

"No one forced either of you to start new relationships; you actively did so.  And each of you needs to acknowledge that, to stop lying to yourselves and to finally admit that you were willfully, knowingly unfaithful to your spouse. As easy as it would be, you can’t entirely blame your partner, or Carly, or Ben."

Ned heard Nancy draw in a breath, but Sol kept talking. "You can whitewash it using all of the technicalities that you’d like— _‘I stopped her before she sucked me off,’ ‘I only had dinner with him because my husband wasn’t around’._ But you’re both very strong people. Each of you knew that what you were doing was wrong and you did it anyway. 

"Each of you drowned out that little voice in your heads and just went on ahead to act on the impulses you felt, and you did it to get revenge, to hurt your partner. The person you promised to love and cherish and stay faithful to for the rest of your life—all you cared about was getting back at them."

Ned didn’t have to look at Nancy to know that she was crying once more; he also couldn’t seem to stop the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Sol’s right," he told her gruffly. "I think that part of me was so pissed about the way you’d changed that I was trying to show you that someone else wanted me. No matter how much you pushed me away, someone else kept trying to draw me in."

"And I…" Nancy paused, "I think I wanted you to find out about Ben so you’d be jealous, just like you used to be.  And when you didn’t even pick up on the fact that I was in a relationship with another man… it pissed me off. So I thought: _Fine. Let him carry on with that slut—I’ll show him._ "

"That’s no way to make a marriage work," Sol stated quietly. "Settling scores and getting even. You’re supposed to be working together, not trying to destroy each other." 

"How did we forget that?" The sorrow in Nancy’s voice mirrored what Ned felt inside. "How did we lose our way?"

Sol shrugged. "The same way that other couples do. People change, situations change. But the reason that we’re here tonight, the reason we’ve been here all along, is because you want to know how to move forward. To fix all of the bad so you can get back to the good. 

"They say that the person you love the most is the person who can cause you the most hurt, because they know that your love for them is your greatest weakness. That’s the perfect way to sum up what’s happened between the two of you."

"It’s true," Ned replied. He resumed stroking Nancy’s back, and she cupped her hand over his knee. "But I love Nancy so much that I’m willing to risk the hurt again. I cannot fathom my life without her in it. I know that talk is cheap, but once again I’ll promise not to intentionally hurt her from now on."

Nancy sighed. "I don’t want to hurt you anymore either, Ned. If we argue or disagree, I don’t want us to throw verbal daggers at each other in an attempt to see who can cause the most damage, who can twist the knife more. It’s fucking exhausting and unproductive." 

"So, do we have a deal?" Sol asked. "Clean slate from here on out? While you won’t necessarily be able to forget the infidelity, the pain and anger should lessen with time,  especially if you really meant your vows of forgiveness."

"Clean slate," Ned echoed. "Nan, I love you so much and I meant what I said about doing whatever it takes to make this work." He cupped her face in his hands, gently running his thumb along her cheekbone to wipe away a smudge of mascara. 

Nancy smiled at him. "Then let's keep moving forward." 

When he leaned in to kiss her, Ned was thrilled that she eagerly met his lips with her own. "That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

"Well, that was a waste of ten bucks," Bess said, disgusted, as she and Nancy joined the stream of patrons leaving the theater. She juggled her purse as she struggled to slip her coat back on, and Nancy took pity on her and grabbed the purse.

"At least for the ten minutes he was on screen, most of it was shirtless," Nancy said, trying to come up with something positive.

"Mmm. True. But I can't believe he _died_ so soon! Ugh!" Bess reached for her cell phone to turn it back on, and Nancy reached for her cell too, hoping that she wouldn't see a message from any of her workmates or her boss.

_I'm def intrigued. Can't wait 2 see u tomorrow, babe._

Nancy couldn't stop a delighted smile from crossing her face on seeing Ned's text. She and Bess reached the lobby, which was overcrowded and seemed to be full of teenagers. Bess sighed and swept her long, straight straw-blonde hair out of her face, then turned to look at Nancy.

"Want to get a drink? Seems like ages since we've had time to just hang out."

"Sure," Nancy said, zipping up her coat before they headed out of the theater.

They headed to a pub that George had originally found in the city; it carried a vast selection of craft beers, and George made a point of trying something new every time they went there. Bess had an eye on the new bartender, though, and had suggested that as their destination. Nancy didn't mind; the place had a decent liquor menu, and some good wines too.

"I thought you'd given up on this guy since you started seeing—oh, what's his name?" Nancy asked, as they shouldered through the crowd, looking for an unoccupied table.

"Oh, Mason? He's fantastic, Nan. But if he can't put up with me drooling over Channing Tatum for the night, then it's only fair that I get to feast my eyes on _that_." Bess nodded in the bartender's direction, and Nancy had to admit that he really was easy on the eyes. He had dark-blond hair with darker stubble on his cheeks, and he wore a plaid flannel shirt rolled up to his forearms. His striking green eyes danced as he grinned easily at a patron before turning to the tap.

Bess let out a dreamy sigh. "Mmm. Speaking of hot guys...?" Bess raised her eyebrows as they settled at a high table.

"Speaking of hot guys, what?" Nancy said, propping her chin on her hand.

"How have things been going with Ned?"

Nancy was saved from giving an immediate answer when a server came by to take their drink orders, and Nancy asked for a basket of chips to help soak up the alcohol. Then she looked down at her bare left hand, and took a breath.

"We've still been going to therapy," Nancy said.

"And how's that been?"

"Painful," Nancy admitted. "Some of it, anyway. But I think it's been good for us. We finally... well, we've been talking through a lot of stuff." Even a few weeks earlier, Nancy would have rehashed it, and talked about Carly and Ben again—but part of forgiving that meant not thinking about it anymore, and Nancy didn't want to think about it anymore. She hated knowing how deeply her flirtation and spiteful night with Ben had hurt Ned; she didn't want to linger on her anger and fear about Ned's relationship with Carly anymore. It had happened.

But it was starting to feel like it had happened to someone else. Nancy wasn't the person she had been in California anymore, and she was beginning to hope that Ned wasn't either.

"But you're back together."

Nancy shook her head. "Not really... only kind of."

Bess gave the waiter a sunny smile as he returned with their drinks and the basket of chips. "How are you 'kind of' back together? You're in therapy, and working on the relationship, so there has to be something there to work on...?"

"There is..." Nancy heaved a sigh and looked down at her drink without taking a sip yet.

Bess patted her best friend's hand. "So tell me what's going on," she said, her tone more gentle. "I am glad you're looking better, I will say that."

Nancy gave Bess a small smile. "I'm feeling better," she said softly. "My appetite finally came back."

Nancy waited until they were halfway through their basket of chips, and Bess had exchanged a few flirtatious glances with the bartender, to pick up her story. "We're still living apart," she told Bess. "But he's been taking me out on dates."

"Oooh! Anywhere fun?"

Nancy nodded. "Chez Louis, and that really nice restaurant where he proposed to me for real. I actually had to cancel on him the Saturday night he had reservations, so he made other ones. _And_ he didn't get mad at me for getting called in to work."

"Nor should he have," Bess said with a small nod. "It's your work, after all. Those do sound nice, and I'm sure he was dressed up and incredibly handsome..."

Nancy nodded, smiling again. "And we... we went to that piano bar with the karaoke, the place where I sang to him? Remember?"

Bess nodded. "Did you sing again?"

Nancy shook her head. "Ned got up there, totally sober, and sang 'Unchained Melody' to me."

Bess squealed. "That is so adorable!"

Nancy couldn't help grinning. "It was so sweet. And I decided to do something nice for him... I told him to be ready tomorrow afternoon, and I'm going to take him to the Bulls game. He doesn't know it yet, though."

"I'm sure he will be _very_ grateful," Bess said with a chuckle. "Because I'm sure that after he sang to you, you took him home and did unspeakable things to him..."

Nancy shook her head, her grin fading. "We've... no. We've made out a few times, but..."

"But that's the best part of arguing, Nan—the making up."

"Yeah," Nancy said with a sigh. "But that's just it; it's making up. I told Ned and our therapist that I would commit to therapy for the next few months, and I have... but I still have to decide if I'm going to commit to _Ned_ again, and to our marriage. And I don't know if I can do that."

Bess was just taking the last sip of her glass of red wine when the server came to their table, asking if she wanted another. She nodded eagerly. "Well... let's weigh the pros and cons," Bess said. "And I'll try to be impartial."

Nancy shook her head. "It isn't that simple," she told Bess.

"Then what's holding you back?"

Nancy took a long sip of her own wine. "Knowing that he's changed," she said softly. "But more than that... knowing that he won't become that person again. And I'm still not sure how I can ever know that."

Bess tilted her head and picked up a chip. "Well, at the risk of sounding like a total bitch—I remember a time when one of my best friends in the whole world used to flirt with guys other than her boyfriend like it was her job."

Nancy looked down. "Yeah," she murmured. "I know."

"And Ned had to believe you were different when he asked you to marry him. Despite... well, a lot of evidence to the contrary."

"But that was before we were married," Nancy pointed out. "Once we were married, it was just us. Just us, together, no one else. No one else for the rest of our lives. And then..." Nancy tried hard to swallow the lump of tears in her throat. "He didn't even love her, Bess," she whispered. "He didn't even fall in love with her. He just fell for the flattery..."

"And how can you blame him for that when you did the same thing?" Bess asked softly.

Nancy shook her head. "That's not it..." She swiped gently under her eye, then wiped her finger on her napkin. "We... we forgave each other for it, and I do forgive him. For what happened with—with her. But what kills me is not knowing how to stop it from ever happening again. Just like our therapist said... I chose to... to go to Ben that night, to get back at Ned that way. _I_ made that choice. So did he."

"And if you and Ned decide to try again, the first time you have a fight are you going to go grab the first hot guy you see just to make Ned jealous or get back at him?"

"Of course not," Nancy said immediately, sniffling.

"Do you think he would?"

"Well, it wouldn't be a guy..." Bess cast a withering glare at her friend. "Sorry. No, I don't. I hope he wouldn't."

Bess shrugged. "So it sounds like you'll have to decide whether to take that leap or not." She reached for another chip. "And it's so strange, because for the longest time it wouldn't have been a leap at all," she said softly.

Nancy nodded. "Exactly. Ned... he had _never_ broken my heart, and I trusted him, absolutely trusted him. Now I... I just don't know."

"But you love him."

Nancy gave Bess a small smile. "Of course I do," she said quietly. "I always have. But I can't love him the way I did anymore."

Bess sighed. "Well... you two are dating again," she pointed out. "So in a way it's like you're starting over... and I'll be honest with you, I don't fall in love the way I did when I was sixteen anymore. And I kind of think that's a good thing. I know who I am, and I'm not going to change my personality, every aspect of myself, to make someone else happy anymore. I want someone who will be happy with _me_. And now... you two can find out if you're happy with each other as you are now, if you can be."

"But you think we can be."

"Of course," Bess replied immediately, and gave Nancy a genuine smile. "Nan, of course I do. If I couldn't believe in you two... God, there would be no hope for me at all. You two are a legend, and it would break my heart if you couldn't find a way to get through this together. But—" Bess took another chip. "Seriously, whatever you decide, we're behind you. Both of us. We've been best friends since we were six, after all."

Nancy laughed. "Thanks," she said. "That does mean a lot to me."

She limited herself to one large glass of wine, mindful that she didn't want to have a hangover while they were at the game, and when they bundled into their coats and headed out, Bess glanced over at Nancy with her eyes alight. "Hey! You and Ned should totally go on a double date with me and Mason."

Nancy's stomach immediately tensed. "Um..." Most of her nights out with Bess—and George, too—involved drinking, and even though Ned had told her he couldn't just cut himself off from that kind of environment forever, she was still hesitant to put that kind of temptation in front of him. That on top of Bess's knowledge of what had happened between them... Nancy hated knowing that she and Ned would basically have to perform in front of Bess and Mason, to put on brave faces and try to act natural, when so little felt the way it had before. Bess had been around both of them for so long, and she would undoubtedly sense the tension.

"Not next week or anything," Bess added when Nancy didn't answer. "Just—you know, whenever. Maybe when the weather's a little nicer."

Even though Nancy and Ned had gone on dates together, going on one with Bess and her boyfriend felt like another step toward becoming official again, and Nancy couldn't believe how nervous that prospect made her. "Maybe," she said neutrally, and Bess let the subject drop.

She knew she would have to make a choice, though. It wasn't fair to Ned to let him hope if she truly believed they could not be together anymore. Sooner rather than later, she would have to make that leap. She would have to either decide to trust Ned again and get back together with him, or start her life without him. Maybe she could find someone else she could love, but she was sure that would take a long time.

_I will always love him._

No matter what he did, she would always love him. She just wasn't sure whether she only loved the man he had been, or if she could love the man he had become.

\--

"Can I just say thank you again?"

Nancy couldn't help laughing as she glanced over at Ned. "For the tenth time, sure. And for the tenth time, you're welcome. I'm just glad you liked your surprise."

The two of them were working their way through the massive crowd toward Nancy's car. She had picked Ned up, budgeting in enough time to get to his apartment and tell him what they were doing. He had asked for thirty seconds, and come out of the small bedroom wearing a Bulls jersey.

Nancy hadn't gone quite that far, although she had put on a Bulls cap with her long-sleeved black t-shirt and skinny jeans. Remembering what had happened after their last date, she had checked the date on the condoms in the bedroom, too. She had been to the doctor for a follow-up just to make sure she was physically okay, and she had asked for a birth control prescription, but she hadn't been on it long enough for it to be effective yet. On the way to Ned's apartment, she had picked up a box of condoms with spermicide, just in case.

She had no intention of having sex with him on Saturday, but she could remember plenty of other times she hadn't intended on being intimate with him—and it had just felt right to do so. Being prepared wasn't the same thing as allowing it, and if she did decide she was ready to take that step, she didn't want to risk a less reliable method.

Even so, knowing she had the condoms... It did make her think about it.

"So what did you—"

Nancy switched mental gears, checking her watch. They could go for an early dinner, but when she was around him like this, she couldn't help feeling cheated if she went home too early, and doing so gave her time to let her mind wander. When she was at loose ends on the weekends, it was far too easy to think about calling him or seeing him, and they needed to take things slow. Part of the appeal of taking him to the game had been spending time with him without any pressure to hold a conversation, but every time their legs touched, when he gave her a glowing grin after the Bulls scored another three-pointer, all the people around them hadn't mattered. They never had.

Nancy had just opened her mouth to respond to Ned's question when she realized he wasn't looking at her. His hand was still joined to hers, but he had his head up.

"Nickerson!"

Nancy's stomach flipped as four men walked up to them, all dressed casually, but she was pretty sure she recognized the one who had called Ned's name as someone who had worked with him at the Chicago branch.

"Hey Garcia," Ned said easily.

"What you been up to, man?" Garcia said with a grin. "Been too long since you stopped by. I'd heard you were back."

Ned smiled and squeezed Nancy's hand gently. "Yeah—I need to come by sometime. You're looking good. Enjoy the game, guys?"

The three men with Garcia nodded, and Nancy could see an eager light in the first man's eye. "Definitely," the second one said.

"Nancy," Ned said, turning to her, "I think you probably remember Armando Garcia. Hal Clifton, Rick Spalding, Roger Crandall—Nancy."

Nancy smiled and shook hands with each of them, and felt a little strange, wondering who they thought she was to Ned. Ned still wore his wedding band, and Nancy had met Garcia before, but it had been a long time. Self-consciously she stuck her left hand into her jacket pocket.

"Pleasure to meet you," Clifton said. "Look, Ned—we have a new product line coming down, and what you did for Instamo? We've been looking at doing something similar, with a new twist. You got a card?"

"I don't have one on me," Ned said slowly, "but I do have a cell number I can give you, and I'd love to talk to you about it."

Clifton dug through his pockets and pulled out one of his own cards, and Ned scrawled his name and phone number on the back. Nancy could tell that Garcia wasn't thrilled, but he kept a pleasant smile on his face.

"Definitely come by and catch up, okay?" Garcia said in parting.

After the other three men bid Ned a warm goodbye and faded into the crowd, Nancy and Ned looked at each other as he reached for her hand again. She let him take it, and smiled a little when he released a slow breath, his shoulders slumping a little.

"Shit," he whispered. "Wow."

Nancy squeezed his hand. "You did great," she murmured. "So I guess you'd met those guys before?"

Ned nodded, regaining his equilibrium as they started moving with the flow of the crowd again. "Yeah. Yeah. Been a while, though. Wow." Ned shook his head. "McCall used to take them to the game whenever they came to town... they're with Kryston."

"They seemed to remember you."

"Mmm-hmm." Ned seemed to shake himself from his reverie. "So where were we going?"

"We could grab something for dinner," Nancy suggested. "I'm not super-hungry yet, though."

"We could go back to my place?" Ned raised his eyebrows. "And then once we get hungry, we can get delivery or go back out again."

Nancy hesitated for a moment, but if she went to Ned's apartment, she could leave if she found the temptation too much to endure. And at Ned's place, away from the couch they had had sex on so many times, away from what had been their bedroom...

"Okay," she said with a small nod.

With little prompting, Ned told her about the Kryston account on the way back to his apartment. He had been in on a few of their campaigns, but they hadn't been one of his main accounts.

"Oh! I almost forgot to tell you. I'm going out for drinks after work Monday, but I'll probably be out by dinnertime, in case you want to do something."

Nancy turned to look at him, sure that dismay was written all over her face almost immediately. He shook his head. "It's at a bar, and I'll just have water," he told her, his expression calm. "But that's where she suggested."

Even though Nancy was positive that he wasn't telling her he was going on a date with someone else, she was shocked at the incredible wave of fierce jealousy that swept over her when Ned said "she." "Oh?" she repeated, trying and failing to keep her tone perfectly even.

"Daniella," Ned filled in, a small smile on his face. "Chris will be there too. It'll be good to tell them about this Kryston interest, though."

Nancy relaxed a little. "I'm sure they'll be excited," she told Ned.

The nascent agency was what they ended up discussing back at his apartment. To Ned's credit, he did ask her about her work, and he listened to her account of what she had done that week without getting upset. Granted, when she had trailed a guy to a bar on the rough side of town, she had called for backup, and waited for that backup to arrive before she went in, and she was sure to tell Ned so. As they ordered and ate their dinner courtesy delivery from a Chinese restaurant, he asked her for her opinion, for any recommendations or suggestions she had as he went over his rough plans, and she offered every tip she could think of. His plans for the agency were important to him, and she was glad he was sharing them with her.

Even so, as she told him she needed to head home and slowly stood, she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. The unopened box of condoms in her purse was only a small part of it.

It felt like they didn't talk about their relationship any more than they had to outside therapy, and she was beginning to find it a little frustrating. She could remember Ned saying that if they were living together, they would have that much more time to work on reconnecting with each other—but they used the time they _did_ have to do other things, and to talk about almost anything else.

It really was like they were dating again. When they were together, they didn't fall back into their old roles anymore. He didn't just kick back on the couch with a beer in one hand and the television remote in the other, zoning out in front of ESPN. She didn't head to the kitchen to handle serving drinks, or change into something comfortable and tell him wearily that her day had been fine without really going into it.

She had been worried about having to perform in front of Bess and Mason. Hell, the way they were _now_ , they were performing in front of each other when they were alone together.

But she had no idea how to say it. It was so much easier to talk in front of Sol, knowing that he was there to stop them if they went too far, but if they were living together again, Sol wouldn't be moving in too. They would have to learn how to talk to each other again without the discussion turning into an argument.

Or, if they were incapable of that... well, then none of it meant anything.

Ned grabbed his keys and coat, and when she told him goodnight, he told her he was walking her to her car. It made her think of the night he had taken her back to her car and then insisted that if he couldn't stay with her, that Hannah would instead.

At her car, she turned to face Ned again. "Thank you, again, for today," he told her. "It was amazing."

She gave him a smile, and he stepped close to her and slipped his arms around her. It wasn't the first time they had touched that day, but she felt an incredible thrill pass over her anyway. She returned the embrace, dreading the end of their evening together as she did.

"I'll see you Thursday," she told him, tilting her head back to look up into his eyes.

Ned nodded, his gaze locked to hers, and they stayed that way for a moment. Then he leaned down, and even though he was holding her tight, she knew that if she moved away or turned from him, he wouldn't go through with it.

But she didn't reject his advance, and Ned brushed his lips softly against hers before she returned the kiss. Her knees went weak as Ned's tongue slipped into her mouth, and she ran her fingers through his dark hair, clinging to him as he kissed her again and again.

Things made so much more sense when he wasn't around. When he was, all of her felt pulled to him, captured by the gravity of their attraction to each other. Despite her caution and fear, everything in her wanted to take him by the hand, guide him back to his apartment and take her clothes off as soon as possible afterward. Their house felt so lonely without him...

Ned's hand was creeping toward her ass, and she broke their kiss with a soft pop. "Ned," she murmured, trying to catch her breath. Her heart was speeding.

Ned cleared his throat and took a half-step back, but his dark eyes were low-lidded, and she could sense the desire radiating from him, maybe because she shared it. She almost trembled with disappointment, knowing that they had to get away from each other, knowing that giving in to this would be a mistake.

_Why?_ an insistent voice asked. _What would be wrong? He's still my husband..._

And he was. But he was her estranged husband, and making love to him and then telling him that their marriage was over, once and for all... She couldn't.

"Sorry," Ned murmured. "I'm sorry. And I'm sure you're cold. Thanks again, baby—I love you."

She gave him a brief smile, but her heart was melting inside her. "I love you too," she said. "I'll see you soon."

\--

When Nancy reached her father's house the next day, she turned off the car's ignition and looked down at her left hand. Her engagement ring and wedding band shone on her finger.

Nancy had been resolved to start divorce proceedings when she had kicked Ned out of their house and told him their marriage was over. In the back of her mind that possibility was still open, like an escape hatch to get as far away from the pain as she could, if she had need once their therapy was over. But the more time passed, the more reluctant she found herself.

The first time she had been to see her father after the separation, she had put her rings back on, and that in itself was a lie. Hannah had asked her about it when she had stayed with her right after the—the miscarriage, but in the same breath she had said that the rings probably were loose on her slender fingers and she had taken them off to keep them safe, and Nancy had just nodded. She had a feeling that Hannah suspected what was going on, but she didn't say anything, and Nancy was grateful. Then, during that first dinner together once she was back, her father had asked why Ned wasn't there, and she had told him that he had a work commitment he couldn't get out of. Carson had been disappointed, but understanding. After all, Ned's work had interfered with plans before, just the same way that hers had.

The rings were more comfortable on her finger now than they had been, but putting them on every time... and she had put them on every time she knew she was going to see her father. Telling Bess and George about the massive rift in their relationship hadn't exactly been easy, but they had understood. Telling her father wouldn't be the same as getting it off her chest. Telling her father would be tantamount to asking him to solve her problem for her.

Carson's son-in-law had moved his daughter halfway across the country, become a borderline alcoholic with a coke addiction, and neglected and cheated on her. Nancy couldn't imagine a scenario where his reaction to that information would be anything less than pure, blinding rage.

Nancy took a deep breath and zipped up her coat, tugging down the hem of her grey skirt after she climbed out of the car. The house she and Ned had bought together didn't quite feel like home anymore, but her father's house in River Heights had always made her feel safe. No matter what happened, Nancy knew she would always be welcome there.

She couldn't imagine what would have happened if her father had been the one to talk to her when she returned from California, instead of Edith. Edith had encouraged Nancy not to turn her back on her history with Ned, and she had decided not to terminate her pregnancy, thinking that it might be the bridge between them that they so desperately needed...

They couldn't change the past. Sol kept telling them that. All Nancy had control over was her own behavior and her own decisions. That was all.

Nancy sighed as she walked up to her father's front door, knocking before she opened it. She had a bad feeling that her anxiety and irritation wouldn't pass until she made a decision, once and for all.

For their Sunday dinner Hannah had made a crown roast with roasted potatoes, garlic-sautéed brussels sprouts, and deliciously light and buttery yeast rolls. Hannah was just walking to the table with the dinner plates when Nancy came in, her coat already hung up, her purse beside the couch.

"Nancy! Oh, sweetheart, you look so good." Hannah beamed at her, putting down the plates and wrapping her in a warm hug, and Nancy closed her eyes. "Go ahead and sit down. What do you want to drink?"

"I'll get it, Hannah," Nancy said, waving off the housekeeper's insistence that she relax instead of helping serve. "Where's Dad?"

"Taking a call in his study." Hannah made her usual exasperated gesture. "Ned had to work?"

Nancy nodded, tucking her red-gold hair behind her ears. She wore a scoopneck sweater made of light blue cashmere, and when she had put it on, she had realized that the locket Ned had given her when they were dating would have been perfect with it. She hadn't put it on, though. A part of her wished she had.

"Nancy! You're here!"

Nancy turned to her father with a genuine smile on her face, and when he hugged her, she closed her eyes and held him tight in return. "Important call?" she teased him when they parted.

"Not as important as spending time with my only daughter. So it's just the three of us tonight?"

Nancy nodded. She felt kind of bad about not even inviting Ned, but wearing her rings was already bad enough. "Did you have a good week, Dad?"

Carson nodded as he took his seat at the head of the table. "I did. Took on a new client this week, and her case is pretty interesting..."

Discussing her father's clients and their problems was just as familiar and comforting to Nancy as his hug had been, and the entire meal was great; Nancy couldn't remember the last time she had put so much time into a meal as Hannah had obviously put into this one. When her father mentioned her upcoming birthday and asked if she had made any special plans for it, Nancy realized that she hadn't—and yet again how awkward that was going to be. Generally both her father and Hannah, and Ned's parents, all went out with Nancy and Ned for her birthday, and they came back to Carson's house for cake and ice cream. This year?

Not just this year, but for the rest of her life... She imagined again breaking that news to her father, that it would just be the three of them this year, and her stomach clenched in protest. Her father wasn't the only person she would need to tell, but he would be the hardest one. He genuinely liked Ned, a few small hiccups aside, and coming clean about their situation would be nerve wracking. She kept delaying it, like something was going to change, but their past wouldn't.

She loved Bess and George, Ned too, and Hannah—but her relationship with her father had always been different, and she hadn't been completely surprised when Ned had been concerned about it. Of course he was jealous. Ned was her husband, and she had sworn that her first allegiance was to him—and yet, that hadn't changed how she felt about her father. Carson Drew had always been there for her, had never hurt her, never made her cry. He had been her champion, her role model, and her hero for her entire life. Not being honest with him made her feel almost dirty. The alternative, though, was unthinkable.

Her birthday, she realized, would be a good deadline for herself. If she hadn't made a decision by then, she would make it for her birthday. The first one she would spend recommitted to her husband, or the first one she would spend in her adult life as a single woman. She told her father that she would think about it and get back to him with her suggestion about what they could do.

Hannah was serving slices of warm butterscotch cake with ice cream when Carson's cell phone pinged. Nancy had spent a few hours on the phone helping her father set it up, and she was still a little bemused whenever she saw him using his smart phone. He pulled it out, and Nancy tilted her head. "Another important call?"

Carson shook his head and put his phone away. "Marcy just sent me an email," he explained. Marcy had been Carson's administrative assistant for the past ten years, and she was incredibly smart and efficient. If she hadn't also been very happily married, Nancy would have been a little suspicious of her. "Her grandson's second birthday was yesterday, and she was so excited about it; I think she bought him half a toy store, and she even asked me if I thought he'd prefer a fire truck or a police car." Carson chuckled. "I told her that I didn't have any experience with little boys—not yet, anyway—but I would have gone with a fire truck."

Hannah placed a plate in front of Nancy, and Nancy stared hard at it, willing the lump of tears she felt in her throat and pricking in her eyes to stay down. Her father had never pestered her about grandchildren, had never encouraged her and Ned to have them before they were ready, but Nancy also knew that he was looking forward to having one or two.

And he had no idea. He had no idea that she had been pregnant, that she had lost the baby... and she didn't know if she would ever be pregnant again.

"Are you okay, Nan?"

"Mmm-hmm," Nancy replied, swallowing hard before she brought her head back up and forced a smile. "I have to say, I've been looking forward to Hannah's dessert all week long."

"I'll send some home with you," Hannah beamed. "You know we can't eat it all, and I know Ned loves butterscotch cake."

Nancy chuckled softly. "Ned loves everything you make," she told Hannah, tucking her hair behind her ear again. "You know that."

Hannah didn't stop at cake, though; she sent Nancy home with a small cooler filled with containers of frozen soup and a frozen lasagna, telling her that she couldn't survive on fast food and coffee. Nancy hugged both Hannah and her father goodbye, and Carson patted her back.

"Tell Ned that I will be very disappointed if he's not able to make it next time," Carson said, and while his tone was warm, his expression was serious. "He can't work all the time; it's not good for him."

"I'll tell him," Nancy said, giving her father another quick smile. "I love you, Dad. Love you, Hannah."

"Love you too, sweetheart."

As soon as Nancy was alone in her car, her lower lip started trembling, and she growled. "Stop it," she murmured to herself. "Stop it. You're being an idiot. Stop it."

But that didn't stop the tears from welling up in her eyes again, this time so quickly that she blinked a pair down her cheeks before she realized it. She drew in a trembling breath and it came out as a wounded sigh, and when she reached the stop sign at the end of her father's street, she closed her eyes for a second before she reached for her cell phone.

Ned answered on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Hey," Nancy said, her voice low and almost rough from trying to disguise her tears. "Busy?"

"No, not busy. You okay?"

Nancy replied with a soft sigh. "Do you mind if I come over for a minute?"

It wasn't long before she was parking on the street outside his apartment building, and she knew her makeup was ruined, but she didn't care. She blotted at her tearstained cheeks a few times and took a deep breath before she zipped her coat a little higher and stepped out. Night had fallen, and the wind was bitterly cold.

Another night, another apartment building. Tears cold on her cheeks.

She put that memory out of her head. Sol had talked about them forgiving each other for what had happened in California, but Nancy wasn't sure that she had truly forgiven herself for it. If she hadn't been so dead-set on getting pregnant; if she had somehow found a way to talk to him...

The tears welled up in her eyes again, and Ned opened the door before she even had a chance to knock. He wore a comfortable faded Emerson hoodie she had borrowed a few times, and jeans and socks. She remembered from early in their marriage that the apartments here could be bitterly cold at night.

"Oh, Nan... what's wrong?" Ned asked, closing the door behind her.

Nancy let it all out in a frustrated cry, squeezing her eyes tight shut again. "I'm sick of this," she heard herself saying, and it was true. "I am so goddamn sick of this. I just had dinner with my dad and Hannah and I can't fucking talk to him. He's my _father_ and I can't talk to him. I can't tell him that—that hearing about Marcy's grandchild makes me upset. I can't talk to him about what's going on with us because you'll get mad at me."

Ned opened his mouth and closed it, then tried again. "Nan, I never said—"

"But you _did!_ " she retorted, wiping angrily at her tear-slicked cheeks. Her car keys were still clenched tight in her right hand, so she used her left. "And I'm trying to understand but Ned, it drives me fucking crazy that I have to just lie to him..."

She shook her head, and when she paused and looked up at Ned, he wasn't looking at her face. He was looking at her left hand.

"Shit," she breathed. She had forgotten to take her rings off after the dinner. "Ned..."

Ned blinked, then brought his gaze up to her face. She saw such naked hope in his expression that another wave of sympathetic tears rose in her eyes. He whispered her name, and then he came to her and tentatively wrapped his arms around her.

She felt like she was panicking. He wouldn't understand why she was wearing her rings again. He didn't. And she knew she needed to tell him that it was just part of the lies she had been telling her father, but she couldn't force herself to say it. Instead she wrapped her arms around him too and held him, her tears leaving damp patches against his sweatshirt.

After a long moment Ned released her, but he led her over to the couch and she sat down, trying to make herself relax. She desperately wanted to take her rings off, but that would break his heart again.

"I have to act like everything's fine," she whispered. "Ned, I used to tell him everything, and now I can't talk to him... he was talking about Marcy's grandson and saying he didn't have experience with little boys, not yet... and he doesn't know..."

Ned made a soft humming sound, and when Nancy began to cry in earnest Ned wrapped his arms around her and just held her. "It sucks," he whispered. "I know it does. I'm so sorry, Nan. I'm so sorry."

"He asks me where you are and I have to tell him you're working... I _hate_ this." She let out a shivering breath. "I feel like you'll be mad at me if I talk to him and he'll be so, so mad if I tell him..."

"Nan... I never said you couldn't talk to your father. Just that I didn't want you talking to your father _instead_ of handling your own decisions."

"It's not about that."

"Exactly." Ned paused, his hand on her shoulder. "So he doesn't know... anything."

Nancy shook her head, wiping at her eyes again, and Ned reached for a tissue to give her. "I didn't know how to say it," she whispered. "And then it was just easier not to. But tonight he said he would be upset if you couldn't make it next time..."

Ned searched her eyes. "What do you want me to do?" he asked. "Do you want me to go with you the next time? I... I'll do that."

Nancy looked down, unsure of what to say. She found it uncomfortable enough to be lying to her father about the state of her marriage. Making Ned an accomplice in the ruse felt worse.

Ned took a deep breath and let his hands drop. "And if you want me to, I'll... I'll tell him everything," he said, and Nancy's head jerked back up again. His handsome face had turned pale, but he licked his lips and continued. "A lot of it was my fault anyway, and if that would make it easier for you..."

"Oh..." Nancy shook her head and gently wiped her cheek again. "That... that's not why I came here... I was just upset."

Ned seemed to relax just a little. "I understand, but... I guess I'm just surprised that you didn't tell him we were..." He made a vague gesture, unable or unwilling to quantify their current relationship. "You sounded so sure..."

Then he touched her left hand, tilting her fingers so he could look down at her rings again, as though confirming that he hadn't just been hallucinating. "I haven't decided yet," she murmured. "And if we told him the truth I think he would kill you right in front of me... but it means a lot to me that you would offer."

Ned gave her a small smile and cupped her cheek, brushing away another tear. "Nan, I promise, when I told you that irritated me—it wasn't to make you stop talking to him, not at all. And I'm sorry. I can't imagine how crazy I'd be right now if I couldn't talk to my parents. They... they asked about you, by the way."

"Oh?" Nancy whispered, looking into Ned's eyes.

He nodded. "I had lunch at their house today," he told her.

As the thought occurred to her, her eyes pricked with tears again. "Does your dad... know, about..."

"I didn't tell him, but Mom probably did," Ned admitted. "They both miss you so much, and if you wanted to come over..."

Nancy took a deep shivering breath, shaking her head. "No," she whispered. "Not... not when we're like this, okay?"

Ned's face fell a little, but he nodded. "I understand," he murmured. Then he gave her a small bittersweet smile. "You only put on your rings for dinner, didn't you."

She flushed and looked down; she didn't trust herself to speak for a moment. Then she met his gaze again. "Yeah," she whispered.

"They... they look good on you," Ned said softly, touching her cheek. "Just like they did when I put them on you. Baby, if you don't want to tell him... do you think that means..."

His proximity to her and her own anxiety, plus the tentatively earnest expression in his brown eyes, made Nancy move back a little, the edge of her thumb brushing the curve of her rings. She missed the feel of her rings around her finger when they weren't there. She had wanted to talk to him like this, but now that they were, she felt panicky again. "I... it's late, and I know you have to be tired," she stammered out, pushing herself up to stand again. "Thanks for letting me come by, and I'll see you Thursday, okay?"

Ned sighed. "Sure," he said. "Thanks for coming by, Nan. You know you're always welcome here. And if you change your mind about... anything... just let me know, okay?"

Nancy nodded, her heart beating faster as Ned approached her. "I'll find my way out," she told him, and kissed his cheek to head off anything else. As emotionally fragile as she felt at the moment, she didn't want to open a door she wasn't sure she could deal with. "Good night, Ned."

"Good night. I love you."

She gave him a quick smile. "I love you too."

\--

Ned was disappointed when he didn't see his wife again until Thursday—but he wasn't entirely surprised. What did surprise him was that she was still wearing her rings when he saw her waiting outside their appointed meeting place. Everything else about her read locked-down: she wore a very modest black sweater and charcoal-grey pants, flats, and her hair back in a tight twist.

"Hey sweetheart," Ned said, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek. She gave him a quick smile, but she didn't linger.

Ned had known her too long to be fooled, and he sighed silently as they walked inside together. He knew the signs; he knew how to tell when she was uncomfortable, when she was feeling vulnerable, and she had been on Sunday night. Apparently he hadn't earned her trust enough to be allowed in again, and she had reacted by becoming even more guarded than usual.

Ned had sent her a bouquet Tuesday morning, along with a note. He knew that she was most likely reading them, but he hated that he was never able to see her when he was. Maybe, he mused, it was time for him to do away with that and just tell her how he was feeling, and let her react however she would.

_My beautiful wife,_

_I love you. I love you so much that whenever I'm able to see you, I'm shocked by how completely at peace I feel—and when you leave, it's as though you take all the air with you. It would almost be terrifying, how completely I miss you when we're apart; but I've been growing used to this feeling that my heart is not truly my own and never will be again for almost thirteen years now, and I don't think it will ever change._

_I'm sorry that you were upset Sunday night. I hate to see you that way. I meant what I said, and if you decide that you want me to talk to your father, I will do that. If he's angry with me, so be it. I would tell him, just as I've told you: What happened in California will never happen again. All my happiness is dependent upon that fact. You are my world, and I swear to you that I will never, never hurt you again._

_I hate who I became, but what I hate even more than that is that you might never trust me the way you did before._

_No matter what happens between us, I will not take off my wedding ring, and I will never find anyone I could ever love even half as much as I love you. I know that you had never seriously dated anyone before me, but it's the same for me. I learned how to love by loving you, and in some strange way I feel that I_ cannot _love anyone else. I grew strong in the ways that you needed me to be, and I've learned_ you _, Nancy—I know your footsteps, your sighs, the rhythm of your heart, and I remember with such longing the way it would pound against mine when we were together in bed, twined around each other and so perfectly in love._

_Even above that, seeing you wearing your rings again—that meant so much to me, Nancy. I can't let myself believe that it will be the last time. I can never believe that anything we have done will be the last time, save how completely we hurt each other. I cannot believe that I will ever kiss you for the last time; I cannot believe that we will never make love again._

_I have never wanted you this way before, Nancy. I have never been so close to losing something so essential to my happiness. The only thing that terrifies me is the prospect that you might believe we can never truly be happy together. My love, I know you're afraid, and I wish I knew how I could possibly soothe your fears. All I can do is swear to you that if we are living together again, I will show you each and every day how much you mean to me, more than I can now._

_My heart has been broken since the second you took off your rings. Seeing them on you again... oh, Nancy, I beg you. Please give me, give us another chance. Please. I might be able to live without you, but this is a half-life. You take my heart with you every time you leave. I need you to stay. I need_ us.

_With all my love, always and forever,_

_Ned_

He had read over it several times before sending it, and though he wished he had told her the contents in person, it was far easier for him to write it down and make sure it was close to perfect than to tell her in the moment. He had agonized over his vows to her, and he had begun his letter twice and thrown it away before settling on that final version.

And she still wore her rings.

Ned was pretty sure that Sol noticed when he walked in a minute before their appointment time, wearing a t-shirt advertising The Stooges under a brown tweed blazer. Ned had to smile at the dissonance.

"How's the week been, you two?"

Nancy looked down at her hands. "It's been good professionally," Ned volunteered. "Relationship-wise..."

Sol tilted his head. "So, Nancy, I notice that you're wearing your wedding rings again," he said neutrally.

She nodded, then looked down again.

Sol took a breath. "So what's going on?"

Ned sat back and when he found that he was crossing his arms, he made a conscious effort to stop himself. He saw Nancy draw her fingers in and press her thumb against her rings, the way she always had when she was thinking about something.

She took a deep breath and let it out. "I've been lying to my father about our marriage," she said, and crossed her arms. "I don't want to do that anymore."

"Why have you been lying to him?" Sol asked.

Nancy shook her head and tightened her lips. "I'm supposed to be totally honest here, so... I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how to tell my father that Ned and I are living apart, or about anything else that's happened. And it's not just because Ned... doesn't like it when I go talk to my Dad instead of dealing with the problem myself. I feel ashamed that I let it get this far. I feel like I've failed and I don't want him to be disappointed in me, after I swore to him that I had found this amazing guy he could trust with me..."

Ned frowned and looked down, and found that he had his fists clenched.

Nancy sighed and looked over at Ned. "I'm not saying I'm still... that I don't forgive you, okay? But forgiving you doesn't change what happened, and I'm so sick and tired of just thinking about the past. I have to go forward. And I don't know how, when it comes to him."

"Do you think it's been easy for me, either?" Ned asked, fighting to keep his own voice even. "I... God, I thought I knew how terrible it was when you kept throwing in my face everything that happened in L.A., but to tell my mother? To tell Sol all this shit? And yet, I'd go tell your father, if that's what you need me to do. Because... well, maybe he and I had a pretty good relationship, and maybe finding out about everything would totally fuck it up, but what's important to me is how _you_ feel about me, Nan."

Sol released an audible breath. "While that's a nice sentiment, Ned, and I applaud the motivation behind it, given Nancy's relationship with her father... I get the sense that tension between you and her father would cause her a great deal of stress."

Nancy nodded. "I don't want him to be upset at you," she said quietly. "But he's not an idiot. He's going to figure this out."

"If you've been misleading your father since the separation began, what provoked this anxiety now?"

"Dad basically insisted that I bring Ned with me next time," Nancy said. "I've been telling him that Ned had to work..."

"Do you think that maybe he was calling your bluff?" Sol asked, adjusting his glasses. "That he knows something's wrong and you're lying about it, and he's trying to get you to tell him the truth?"

"Maybe," Nancy conceded. "Dad's usually straightforward with me, though."

"And you're probably usually straightforward with him," Sol pointed out. "Aren't you?"

"Yeah," Nancy sighed.

"Is the deeper question here about whether you're going to do what he's asking or not?" Sol asked.

"It's more than that," Nancy said, and glanced over at Ned. "Because I don't know yet whether I'm ready to do this or not... I was talking to..."

She stopped herself, and both Ned and Sol looked at her. "Who?" Sol asked.

She blushed a little. "Um... Bess," she admitted. "She's one of my best friends, and I went out with her this weekend, and... we were talking."

Sol shook his head. "And she gave you some advice..." he said, but he was frowning.

"Yeah. I'm sorry," Nancy said, looking between the two of them. "I just... right after, when I... I'm sorry. I had to talk to someone." She seemed to draw in on herself a little.

"Well, we can't change what's happened," Sol pointed out. "What were you going to say?"

"That whatever I choose, it's going to take a leap of faith," she said, and took a deep breath. "I can either take Ned back and recommit to our marriage, or I can say that it's over once and for all. But we've never really been apart, and I've been with him for my entire adult life. Either way it will be hard. I have to trust Ned again, or decide to start over."

"But you're still struggling with that decision."

Nancy nodded, and her eyes were gleaming. "I hate not knowing," she whispered. "But I don't want to make the wrong decision, either. If I give Ned another chance and that's the wrong choice for us, then I'm just hurting myself again, and if I break things off entirely..." She reached up and swiped at a tear that was sliding down her cheek. "What if I can never love anyone else? I've loved him for so long, but... what if I can't love the person he is now..."

"I would tell you what I've told other couples," Sol said, glancing between the two of them. "Many people, especially when they're in their first serious relationship, equate that spark, and specifically the excitement of sexual and physical attraction, with love. When—or if—that spark fades or becomes less intense, they feel that the love has faded too, when that isn't the case. Love can mean many things, but marriage is a commitment. The important thing here is to build that relationship on many different things: friendship, trust, shared attraction, communication—intimacy. A lack of intimacy is what brought you to this point. Intimacy is what you need to rebuild to have any chance of succeeding. Because, as you have pointed out, this needs to be the right choice for _both_ of you, not just now but for the foreseeable future.

"And as you both know, physical intimacy is important, but it's secondary to _true_ emotional intimacy. Now... have you two taken that step, physically?"

Nancy and Ned both shook their heads. "Not really," he said. "We've kissed... but not much more than that."

"What about being emotionally intimate? Sharing what you're thinking, talking about your relationship when you're together outside therapy?"

Nancy just shrugged, looking down again. Ned cleared his throat. "I... I've been sending Nan letters," he told Sol. "And sometimes I do talk about how I'm feeling, but she doesn't really reciprocate."

Nancy shot a hurt glance in Ned's direction. "Can you really blame me?" she said defensively. "Most of the time we're talking about your work—and, Ned, believe me, that's okay. It's important to you and I'm glad you're sharing it with me. But... sometimes it feels like we _can't_ talk about what's really on our minds. Not unless we're here."

"And I won't always be there," Sol pointed out. "You have to learn how to talk to each other again, and I wish I could tell you that it's just as easy to fall in love as it is to fall _back_ in love. When you first came here—both of you had walls up. Both of you were incredibly defensive and angry. What changed for you, Ned?"

"The prospect of losing my wife," Ned replied immediately. "Of losing the person I love more than anything. I would do anything in my power to prevent that from happening."

"But you haven't made that choice, Nancy," Sol pointed out.

Nancy took a shivering breath. "I'm here," she replied. "Of course I care..."

Ned could remember saying almost those exact same words to Sol. He was afraid to look at her, though, and see the clear conflict on her face.

"Do you talk about your work a lot when you're with Nancy?" Sol asked Ned.

Ned nodded. "Yeah, we do. I do." He swallowed. "I don't want to bring up something that's going to make her upset, and the agency... I feel like it's a way we can connect that doesn't have all that baggage attached."

"But, Nancy, you'd rather discuss other topics at least part of the time...?" Sol asked.

"Like what?" Ned asked. "Seriously. On Sunday, when I talked about the rings..." He trailed off, wondering whether even talking about it again would upset her.

"Usually... well, _usually_ doesn't matter. Nancy, why did you decide to wear your rings again, tonight?"

"I had dinner with my father and Hannah on Sunday night, and wore them then," Nancy explained. "I just... haven't taken them back off again."

"So you had been wearing them again whenever you saw your father, and then taking them back off again each time," Sol said, and Nancy nodded. "But this time...?"

Nancy shrugged and looked down. "Ned saw me wearing them and I... I just didn't want to take them off again..."

"You went by to see Ned after the dinner?" Sol asked, and Nancy nodded. "Why?"

"I was upset," she said softly. "I hate... I hate lying to Dad. But I feel like I don't have any other choice, not until..."

"Until you decide," Sol finished quietly, and Nancy nodded again. "And when Ned asked you about why you were wearing the rings?"

Nancy took another trembling breath and glanced over at Ned. "Go ahead and tell him," she murmured.

Ned dry-washed his face with his palms. "I just thought that maybe she was reluctant to tell her father we were... apart, because in her heart of hearts, she doesn't want us to be apart," he said. "That this is just temporary... and she doesn't want to pull the trigger and make it permanent."

"Ned, of _course_ I don't want to be apart," she cried. "I _never_ wanted to be apart from you. Never. But I can't trust what I want anymore. I can't trust my gut feelings, because... because I lost you and I never realized..."

Ned swallowed. "Baby, if you don't want to be apart... even when you told me you wanted a—separation? Even then?"

Tears rose in Nancy's eyes again, and tracked down her cheeks. "I wanted to believe that you wouldn't leave," she whispered. "You swore you'd never leave me..."

"You _asked me to_!" Ned cried out, the color rising in his face. "You locked me out!"

Nancy buried her face in her hands, shaking her head, and she didn't speak.

"Baby..." Ned choked up for a moment. "Nan, I knew you blamed me for—for losing the baby, and I thought you hated me, that nothing I could ever do would make up for that. I swear to you, otherwise I would have just curled up at that door and begged you to change your mind..." He shook his head. "Mom said you locked me out because you were afraid I could get to you. Oh, Nancy..."

She was still crying when she reached for a tissue and wiped her face. "It's for the best," she whispered. "This is for the best."

"How can it be what's best for us when it hurts this much?" Ned demanded.

Sol steepled his fingers. "I'm sure therapy hasn't been a bed of roses for either of you," he remarked. "And pursuing your own pleasure doesn't often end well."

"That's not what I'm talking about," Ned growled. "Did you lock me out because... Why?"

Nancy frowned and sniffled. "I knew that if I saw your face..." She trailed off, shaking her head.

Ned reached over and crooked his finger under her chin, turning her to face him, and their gazes met and held. "That you would see this?" he murmured. "That you would see how fucking miserable, how _devastated_ I was when you told me our marriage was over?"

She blinked and sent another pair of tears down her cheeks. "But it wasn't working," she whispered. "Ned, I loved you so much and I love you still, but that's not enough."

"But it's all I have," he said quietly. "So I'm not enough."

Nancy shook her head, opening her mouth to protest, when Sol spoke up again. "The problem here is that you need intimacy, emotional intimacy, to form a strong relationship again," he said. "And I'm not sure how you're defining love—either of you. By what you do for each other, by physical attraction and fucking each other... or by becoming a _couple_. Not 'you' and 'me.' It needs to be _us_. For so long, the enemy of your relationship has been _each other._ No one else. Not other problems. It's not about 'you' and 'I' anymore. It's about who you are together.

"The other side of that coin, though, is trust and commitment. You can't have true emotional intimacy without trust and commitment. If you don't trust the person you're talking to, you can't let yourself become vulnerable. And being vulnerable, knowing that the other person won't attack you when you're down... that he or she will only build you up again. That's what you need. That's what each of you need.

"Ned, it sounds like you're willing to be vulnerable through your letters, but less so in person. Is that true?"

"I don't have a problem... being honest, opening up to Nan," he said. "It's just... she can get upset sometimes and just close down, and... that ticks me off. So I talk about other things. Like the agency."

"And, Nancy... you're guarded. You have that wall up, still."

Nancy nodded at Sol. "For so long, we shared everything," she murmured. "And then every time I... oh, fuck. Mmm." She shook her head, recrossing her arms. Her brow was knitting, and she wasn't looking directly at either of them. "He spent the entire time we were in California ignoring or—or just denying the way I felt, and I... I used to share everything with him. It took a long time for me to come to this point, and after being burned so many times..." She shook her head again.

"You're afraid to trust him," Sol said, and Nancy nodded. "But Ned can't prove himself worthy of your trust unless you make yourself at least a little vulnerable. And, Nancy, I'm not telling you that the next time you go on a date, you need to let all your walls down completely. Take it slow. You've spent a long time building up these negative patterns of behavior, and undoing that, breaking them, will take a while. Your default mode with each other is to become defensive, and that doesn't help either of you.

"But until you're _both_ recommitted to not just therapy but the relationship, there's only so much you can do. Nancy, the only way you'll be able to see if Ned truly has changed is to give him a chance to show you. And Ned... you have to be patient. If we do this right, if we're slow and thorough _now_ , this will help so much later. We're going to build the strongest foundation possible before we work on your actual relationship again.

"To that end, I have two homework assignments for you. Are you going to be seeing each other again before our next therapy session?"

Nancy and Ned glanced at each other. "I'm free this weekend," he said.

Nancy nodded. "We can see each other," she confirmed.

"During that date, talk about one or two personal topics," Sol said. "Don't do that for the entire date, and don't start with what you already know are hot-button issues that will piss your partner off. Take it slowly. If you find yourselves getting angry or frustrated, back off and come back to it later. The same thing goes for physical intimacy—take it slowly. You already know you're good at sex; you don't need to prove that again, at least not yet.

"Your other homework assignment is to come in ready to talk about your goals—specifically your relationship goals. What you thought you would be doing by now, and what you would like to be doing."

Ned nodded. _I want to be with her,_ he was thinking. _That's all. Anything else is extra._

But what was going to happen once they were back together? As Sol had said, it wouldn't all be puppies and rainbows, and they'd had fights even before he had accepted the job in California. What would happen during that first fight? Would she just give up?

Thinking about it made Ned anxious, and he tried to put it out of his head, focusing instead on the weekend. One day at a time. That was how Sol had said he had to take it when they discussed his substance abuse and destructive behavior. Wake up every morning reminding himself that alcohol and coke would only hurt him. Wake up every morning reminding himself that no matter what had happened the day before, this one was a clean slate, for good or ill.

Again he felt frustrated. If he and Nancy were living together, he could do more than text her and occasionally have a brief phone conversation with her every day. He could truly show her that he had changed. As they were, they spent so much of their dates posturing and working their way up to having an honest conversation that by the time they got to that point, it was already late, and the date was almost over. He hadn't wanted to poison their time together discussing things he knew might upset her, but maybe it was time.

After the session, Nancy and Ned put their coats on and headed out. Sol bid them both a good night after he locked the office's door, but Nancy put her hand on Ned's sleeve to hold him back.

He still hadn't figured out where they should go on their date, only that they needed to have one. He turned to her.

She cleared her throat. "Uh... you want to come to the house Saturday night?" she suggested. "I'll make dinner... and at least that way we can have some privacy."

Ned nodded. "That sounds great, sweetheart. Do you want me to bring anything? Or come over a little early and help out?"

"Sure," she said. "Around five-thirty or so? I have an assignment that morning, but that should give me plenty of time to get ready." She gave him a small, tentative smile.

"I'll see you then," Ned said, taking her hand and squeezing it gently, then leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I love you."

She pressed her lips briefly to his in a chaste kiss. "I love you too," she whispered.

\--

Nancy had told him not to bring anything, but Ned's mounting anxiety made him stop by the store anyway. He had sent the flowers on Tuesday, and bringing her flowers again so soon didn't seem quite right. He prowled through the aisles, trying to force himself to calm down.

The same impulse made Ned want to go to a jewelry store and buy her something, but that was a sore point between them. Besides, he had already given her the most meaningful piece of jewelry he could, and the fact that she had worn her rings again, regardless of her motivation, gave him hope.

She could have gone home that night and taken her rings off, put them back in the jewelry box, and left them there. But she had worn them for most of a week, now.

Ned knocked at their front door at five-twenty-eight, and took a step back. Distantly he heard Nancy's voice. "Ned?"

"It's me," he called back.

"Come on in! I'm kind of occupied..."

He tried the door, but he knew her well; he found it locked. He took out his key, and when it turned easily in the deadbolt, he couldn't help smiling. Maybe they were living apart, but she hadn't shut him out entirely.

As soon as he walked in he took a deep breath. "Smells delicious, sweetheart," he called, taking off his coat. He hung it up in the closet and did a quick check of his outfit; since they were having dinner at home, he had put on a pair of dark-wash jeans and a soft brushed cotton button-down. He hadn't wanted to be too casually dressed, but he hadn't wanted to be overdressed, either. His mouth quirked a little in resignation, since there was nothing he could do about it now, and he walked into the kitchen with the item he had brought.

Nancy was standing in front of the stove, wearing jeans and a white button-down under a mint-green sweater, a frilly blue and white paisley apron hanging from her neck and tied about her waist. Her red-gold hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and she wore a pair of ridiculous red- and pink-striped fuzzy socks. She glanced over at him when he walked in, and smiled when she saw the blue bag of almond M&Ms in his hands.

"I know you said not to bring anything," he apologized, and came over to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I couldn't resist, though. What are you making? More importantly, what am _I_ making?"

"I'm making mushroom pork scallopini with fettucine," she told him. "I have some peas too, or we can just have salad with it instead. What are you in the mood for?"

"Do I get to make the salad?"

She nodded, using tongs to take a thin slice of pork from the pan and put it on a platter. " _And_ no-bake cookies," she told him. "But if you're feeling slack, I bought a carton of rocky road ice cream..."

" _Mmmm_ ," Ned murmured, looping an arm around her waist and kissing her temple. "Sounds incredible. You know what would be even better? Putting the cookies on _top_ of the ice cream..."

She smiled and bumped her hip gently against his. "Peas or salad, Mr. Nickerson?"

"Well, you like salad... so I'll get to work on that, Mrs. Nickerson."

She was still wearing her rings. She didn't splay her fingers or make an obvious display of it, but he saw them there.

Ned cut up the cucumber and tomato, tore up romaine lettuce after teasing her about so rarely buying pre-bagged and chopped lettuce, and made each of them a salad with the vegetables, pre-shredded carrots, and garlic-herb croutons. By then Nancy had set the table, and Ned went to the refrigerator to grab shredded cheese and the salad dressing.

Then she served their plates, and gestured for Ned to take a seat as she placed a generous serving of fettucine with garlic herb cream sauce and pork in front of him. It had smelled amazing when he walked in; seeing it in front of him... it was just what he wanted on a cold spring night. She placed a small artisan bread loaf with butter in the center of the table, and Ned smiled at her as she took her apron off and sat down.

She was wearing the locket he had given her so long ago. He hadn't seen it under the apron.

Ned glanced from the gleaming heart up to Nancy's face. Her cheeks had colored a little, and self-consciously she touched the pendant. "The salad looks really great, Ned," she told him with a smile.

Ned made a dismissive gesture. It was salad, after all. "It was nothing. Our dinner looks delicious, and you look so beautiful tonight, Nan."

"You look really good too," she told him. "And thanks. I wanted to make something really impressive, but I didn't have the time to do everything like Hannah does. The bread, the dessert..."

Ned reached for her hand. "It's great," he told her. "I appreciate it, sweetheart. I appreciate everything you do for me. It means so much."

She ducked her head. "Thanks," she whispered, and she still wasn't looking at him.

As they ate, Ned asked her what assignment she had been on that morning, and she filled him in. The client had requested security outside a business meeting, but Nancy hadn't been posted at the door. She had staked out one of the two approaching hallways and planted a camera, monitoring it for the duration of the meeting.

"It went long, though," she sighed. "But it was a relief to not be tracking some cheating husband, or catching someone stealing." She twirled a strand of fettucine onto her fork.

Ned nodded. "I can imagine."

They kept their conversation light and general, and Ned went along with it even though a part of him was wishing they would just go ahead and have their serious talk, to loosen the knot of anxiety in his belly. The cookies needed time to set, so Ned cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher as Nancy pulled the ingredients out of the pantry.

And it would be so easy to let himself imagine that the rift between them had never happened. He would go upstairs and find his clothes and belongings there just as they had always been. He would walk upstairs with her when they were both tired, brush his teeth at the sink next to hers as she did, and then pull her into his arms and fall asleep holding her.

He had taken it for granted. He had believed that marrying her had truly meant they would never be separated this way again.

Ned agreed to make the cookies as long as Nancy handled the measuring, and she rolled her eyes but agreed. She took out the sugar, cocoa, butter, milk, peanut butter, vanilla, and oatmeal, and after she measured out the wet and dry ingredients for him, she grabbed the waxed paper and tore off a long piece.

Once all the ingredients were combined and ready, Ned began to spoon the mixture out onto the waxed paper. "Ned, you have to make them smaller," she chastised him. "They'll never set that big."

"And what's the problem with that, exactly?" He dipped his fingertip into the gleaming center of one cookie, then offered it to her. "Taste."

She licked his fingertip, and Ned felt all of him vibrate in response, concentrating on the feel of her tongue against his skin. "Mmm," she commented. "Oh, that's good. And you'll take half of them with you, right?"

"Only if you mean I can't eat half for dessert."

She wrinkled her nose at him, then reached for the tie of her apron. By the time Ned finished spooning out all of the mixture, the first cookie was barely set, but Ned picked it up and took a bite anyway.

He left the rest cooling on the counter, washed his hands, and followed his wife into the living room. She was flipping through the channels, trying to find something suitable, but she shrugged and left the television tuned to a sitcom rerun, thumbing the volume down. She put the remote down as Ned took a seat beside her. His stomach was tense.

Nancy took a deep breath and turned to face him, but her head was down. Ned waited for her instead of jumping in and taking over the conversation.

Finally she brought her head up. "What do you want to talk about?" she said, and her voice was very soft.

"Everything," he said, searching her eyes. "I want to talk about everything. Thank you for not taking your rings off." He reached up and touched the locket, giving it the lightest brush with his fingertip. "And I remember when I gave you this, too..."

She reached for his hand and closed her own over it, gently placing it on the couch between them. "I do too," she murmured.

Ned waited again, studying her expression. She glanced back down again, then took a deep breath. "When Sol said that it had to be about _us_ now, instead of you and me... Ned, I don't know. I just don't know. You were everything to me. I left everything else I knew behind, because the man I loved, my best friend in the whole world... that was what he wanted me to do. And then, while we were there, all of it... every bit of trust I had in you, the support I had always felt from you, the _love_... it all disappeared.

"And I know... God, I want to believe that it was a phase. Temporary insanity, something. I want to think that you and I can get back to something like we were.

"But I need you to understand that..." She began to fidget with her engagement ring. "That if I decide to give this another shot... that that's it. No more lies between us. No more hiding things. I don't just want my husband back, if we do this—I want my best friend back. I want the guy I could talk to, without this... this damn awkwardness between us."

Ned nodded. "And that's what I want with you, too," he told her, flipping his hand over so he could hold hers. "I want to share my life with you again, the way we did before."

"And if I do this— _if_ ," she emphasized. "Then this is it. Our last chance."

"And what do you mean by that?" he asked, keeping his tone even. "If we fight over something, you'll call it quits again?"

She shook her head, standing up. "Of course not," she said impatiently. "I know we'll have arguments. But I don't want to go the rest of my life half-committed to this, with one foot out the door. It's all or nothing. I... I would give you all my trust again, as much as I possibly could, but I would need you to understand that if you hurt me or betrayed me again..." She sniffled. "Then there would be no coming back from that for me."

Ned stood too. "I understand," he said quietly. "But I feel like you have one foot out the door _now_. I know you need time, and I'd give you all the time you needed... if..."

"If what?"

"If I knew that, at the end of it... you would choose us," he told her. "The wait is killing me, Nan. Whenever I hear from you or see you, I pray that you're not going to tell me..." He took a deep breath. "That you've made your decision, and you want to start over with someone new. I'm not saying I wouldn't deserve that. I'm not saying that this has been easy for either one of us. I just wish I knew how I could prove to you that I'll never hurt you again. If I could have your name tattooed over my heart, if I could, God, I don't know, build you a house with my own two hands..."

She shook her head. "We have a house," she told him. "You don't need to build something for me, or get a tattoo. There's nothing you can _do_."

"But that's all I want," he told her. "Because if I'm not _enough_ , by myself... then I have to do something else. _Be_ something else."

"Who would you be?" she asked him, tilting her head.

Ned shook his head. "The person you need," he told her, sitting back down. "Nan... God, you don't understand. I _need_ you. You're the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night. I dream about you. Every time the phone rings I feel excited for a second because I think it might be you. I've heard other guys talk about it like that infatuation of falling for someone new... but it's the way I've always felt about you, the way I felt until things got so bad between us in L.A. When I lay eyes on you, my heart stops for a second.

"And if I could... somehow, I would make you feel that way too, about me. I would make you feel desperate whenever we were apart... but oh, baby, it _hurts_."

He looked up and held her gaze. "Is that what happened?" he murmured. "Is that what made us this way? Did you just... seal it all off because it hurt too much?"

She drew in a slow trembling breath, then sat down and pulled a tissue out of the box. Her cheeks were gleaming faintly. "Yeah," she whispered. "And a part of me—Ned, I _never_ want to feel this way again." She brought her head up to look into his face. "And the only way I can make sure that I _never_ feel this way again is to never open myself back up to it..."

Ned felt the blood drain out of his face. "Nancy," he breathed. "Sweetheart, please..."

She closed her eyes again, sending another pair of tears down her cheeks. "I think it's bad for both of us to keep drawing it out like this," she murmured.

Ned felt a wave of desperation so intense that he had to clench his hands into fists to even try regaining his equilibrium. "Just calm down," he said, and he wasn't sure who he was talking to, her or himself or both of them. "Nancy..."

She looked down. "Dad was asking about my birthday," she said, and sniffled. "We always go out for my birthday..."

"I remember," he said quietly.

"And... I don't want to ask you to come to Dad's house and pretend everything is okay, and just _lie_ to him the same way I have been. That's not fair. So, by my birthday... I'd like to go ahead and make a decision."

Ned forced himself to take a breath, opening his clenched fists. "Okay," he murmured.

She wiped her face again. "I don't want to hurt you," she whispered. "Save some incredibly bad decisions, I've never wanted to hurt you."

"And I've never wanted to hurt you, either."

"And I believe you when you say that," she told him. "But you _did._ And _I_ did."

Ned reached for her hand, after a moment. "I would get on my hands and knees and beg you, if I thought it might make any difference at all," he told her. "I love you so much, so very much. I will give you anything you need, I will _be_ anything you need, just please... please give us another chance."

She gave him a small bittersweet smile. "Sometimes I feel like you're so close to being who you were, again," she murmured. "The man I love. But that man turned into the man who hurt me." She glanced down, touching her engagement ring again. "I just want to wake up and find out all this has been an awful nightmare."

They sat there in silence for a long time, only the quiet laugh track of the sitcom providing any noise. Then Nancy shook her head a little. "I think I'm almost ready for one of those cookies," she said, and wiped her face again.

He went to the kitchen with her, and they were halfway through their first cookies when Nancy went to the cabinet, then the refrigerator, and poured them both glasses of milk. The cookies were rich and incredibly chocolatey, and the ice-cold milk helped tremendously.

After she ate two more, Nancy made them a plate and they brought it and their glasses of milk to the living room. She made a face when she sat down and stripped off her fuzzy socks, then sighed and pulled her sweater off too. "Crying gets me overheated," she said, and chuckled humorlessly.

He gave her a small smile. He had already taken his shoes and socks off. "Think Sol will be pleased with our progress?" he asked, letting his smile fade.

"Maybe," she said. "Look, Ned... I'm sorry."

Ned took a breath. "Don't be sorry," he said. "I think it's better for us to talk about this. At least... at least now I know." He shook his head. "Or, I guess, I _will_ know."

Nancy took a sip of her milk. "So what about your other homework?" she asked. "Your goals?"

Ned shrugged, looking over at her. Knowing how little time they might have left made Ned feel like he couldn't waste any of it, but he was afraid of pushing her away. "You are my goal," he told her. "You and getting this agency off the ground. The rest of it would just fall into place, after that."

Nancy shook her head. "I can't be your goal," she said, and then her eyes met his.

"But you are," he told her. "You said that you never thought I'd leave, and I wish to God I had stayed that day. I know it was probably good for us to take this... this time, to take things a little slower... but I miss you so much. I just..." He shook his head. "I love you so much. And what we had, if there's a chance we can have that again... I know you don't want to hurt, but please don't shut me out. Please don't shut all of it out. We can be good again, baby. I know we can."

She took a deep breath, then brought her head back up, looking straight into his eyes as he moved toward her. He cupped her face, gently stroking his thumb over her cheek. "You are the only person I will ever love," he whispered. "Forever, no matter what. There was a time that you felt the same way." He leaned down, stopping when his lips were barely brushing hers, and she didn't move away. "And if you let yourself fall again I swear I'll catch you."

Their kiss was soft and tentative at first, and then she cupped his jaw, whimpering softly when he broke the kiss. He kissed her again and again, and suddenly he was desperate. He knew that she wanted him, and if that desire could help her make up her mind...

He took it slowly, though, so she could pull away from him or protest, but each kiss was harder and more intense than the last. She ran her hand through his hair and shivered as he pressed her back against the couch. Then he nuzzled against her earlobe, the point of her jaw, down her neck. He touched the first button of her shirt and she was panting, but she let him unfasten it.

"So beautiful," he murmured, planting a soft kiss after each button was loosed, the last one just above her waistband. Her bra was soft pink lace, and he nuzzled his way back up, kissing her between the cups. "Oh, Nancy..."

She sighed as she cupped his jaw again, tilting his face up, and she kissed him, hard and lingering. Tentatively he reached for the sides of her shirt, drawing them down her arms, and she shrugged it off. "Please," she whispered, when they broke the kiss; he looked into her face, and her brow was knit, her reddened lips parted.

"Please what?" he whispered. "Please stop? Or... please don't stop?"

She didn't answer, and he pulled her onto his lap, her knees on either side of his hips. When he kissed her again, he put his hands on her ass and drew her forward, so their hips were in contact, so the join of her thighs was pressed against his erection, hard through his pants. He found the elastic holding her ponytail up and gently took it out of her hair, then ran his fingers through it, groaning into her mouth as he felt her slowly rock against him.

"God yes," he murmured, before the next kiss. "Yeah, baby... God, that feels so good..."

He cupped her waist as he nuzzled against the tops of her breasts again, running the tip of his tongue just under the outer edge of the cup of her bra, and she released a desperate moan. She shifted, arching, her hips pressing tight to his, and then she shrugged her bra down and let it go, baring her breasts to him.

Ned gently kissed and nuzzled against her nipple before drawing it into his mouth to suckle, and she actually cried out at the sensation, her hips shivering against his. "Oh _God_ ," she groaned. "Oh God..."

"Yeah," he whispered. "Oh yeah, Nan. So beautiful..."

It took them a while to find the right rhythm, but they began to grind against each other through their clothes, and she panted and moaned in pleasure with each swipe of his tongue against her breast. Together they unbuttoned his shirt and Ned yanked his undershirt over his head, and he kissed her soft lips as she ran her hands down his back.

When he touched her fly, she shuddered and pulled back. "We can't," she panted. "I'm sorry..."

By then, Ned felt like he was ready to explode; he was lucky he had been able to hold onto his control so long. He groaned in frustration. "Can I—can I at least touch you with my fingers instead?" he asked, panting too. "Please, baby..."

Her gaze went from his lips to his eyes and back again, and when they crashed together, her fingers buried in his hair and his tongue in her mouth, he reached for her fly again and she didn't cry off. Slowly he unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, then found the band of her panties by touch and began to inch his fingers underneath.

His fingertips brushed the strip of golden curls between her thighs, and she broke the kiss with an audible pop, burying her face against the side of his neck as she clung to him. She whimpered his name, and when his finger just barely brushed against her clit, she arched with a desperate cry.

"Let me make you come," he begged, his voice low and husky with arousal. "My beautiful girl."

She was insanely wet, but Ned took it gently anyway; he hadn't touched her this way since before her miscarriage, and he didn't know if she was still tender or sore, or if she was just the way she had been before. He worked two fingers inside her, rhythmically rubbing her clit, and she sobbed in pleasure, arching to give him better access.

"Oh God," she cried out, her hips bucking against his fingers, and she kissed him hard as he fingered her. "Oh God, oh _fuck_..."

"You've wanted this, baby," he panted. "I know you have."

She moaned in response, and her fingers tightened in his hair as he ducked in to catch her nipple and suckle against it again. She let out a louder cry, and Ned felt her slick inner flesh weakly pulse around his fingers.

He stroked and fondled her until she reached her orgasm, arched and sobbing in pleasure, his own arousal growing more intense the whole time. He loved the feel of her breath against his neck as she bucked and ground against his fingers, the feel of her bare breasts against his bare chest. Slowly he let her down, and she sighed, whimpering quietly as he slipped his fingers out of her.

He excused himself then, taking care of himself with the hand still slick from her arousal, and when he returned to the living room, cleaned up and a little calmer, he found her on the couch, the white button-down shirt back on, her jeans refastened.

He gave her a small smile, taking his seat beside her on the couch again. Her red-gold hair fell disheveled down to her shoulders; she hadn't put it back up again.

When she was quiet for a long moment, Ned touched her hand. "You okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah," she whispered. "I'm okay."

"Do you want anything?"

She shook her head. "No," she murmured. "I'd... I'd offer you some coffee, but I think... I think I'd better go to bed. Let me pack up some of those cookies for you."

Ned hadn't really been expecting her to invite him to share her bed, but a part of him was disappointed anyway. She ran her fingers through her hair, moving slowly as she walked to the kitchen, and he wondered if she was still weak-kneed from her orgasm. She washed her hands and found a plastic container for him, and gave him more than half the cookies he had made. When he objected, she just shook her head.

At the front door, Ned put his coat back on, then wrapped her in a tight, warm hug. She relaxed in his arms. "I love you," he murmured. "I love you so much, baby. I'll see you soon, okay?"

She nodded. "I love you too," she whispered, then stood on her tiptoes to kiss the corner of his mouth. "Thank you."

He gave her a small smile. "You don't ever have to thank me for that, Nan," he told her, and stroked her cheek. "Anytime you want me, love. I'll be right here."

She held his gaze for a moment, then released him. "Drive safe," she said, and handed him the cookies.

He nodded. "Sweet dreams, Nan... and I know I'll see you in mine."

She crossed her arms after she opened the door for him, a cold wind coming in. "Maybe I'll see you there."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

"Hi, sweetheart," Ned greeted Nancy enthusiastically as they waited for Sol to arrive for their next session.  "You look beautiful."

"Thanks," she replied, and he was grateful when she let him lean in and kiss her on the lips, let his hand linger on her back without pulling away. 

The fabric of her sweater was soft under his fingertips—probably cashmere, he guessed—and clung to her slim figure; the bright blue color also set off her eyes. She had paired it with a black skirt that hugged her gentle curves and a pair of black high-heeled shoes.  Ned figured that she hadn’t intended the outfit to be sexy, but he found it to be exactly that.  He had woken up aroused at the thought of seeing her again tonight; now, he felt his groin tighten at the sight of her. 

"Hot date later?" He couldn’t help teasing her, but the thought of her going out with another man made his stomach clench. 

Nancy laughed. "No, this is what I wore to work. Besides, the only hot dates I have lately are the ones I have with you."

"That’s good to hear. And speaking of… want to have dinner tomorrow night?"

"Sure," she replied, and he loved that there was no hesitation in her response. "I’m dying for Mexican food."

"Then Mexican food it is." He was about to lean in for another kiss when Sol showed up, apologizing for making them wait. He unlocked the office door and ushered them inside, where Ned and Nancy took their usual positions on the sofa. 

Once they exchanged their greetings, Sol gave them a quizzical look.  "So, did you work on the homework assignments I gave you?"

Nancy and Ned both nodded. "We did," she replied softly. 

"And how did it go?"

"We got through it," Ned told him. "We had a real conversation about real things. Fuck, it was hard, and painful—but we didn’t scream at each other or argue." 

The therapist pushed up the sleeves of his black corduroy blazer, which he wore over a dark green Led Zeppelin t-shirt. "And what did you talk about?" 

Ned looked over to see Nancy tracing an invisible pattern on the sleeve of her sweater with her fingernails, but she remained silent. "How we both want to get back to what we used to be—best friends and lovers and spouses, true _partners._ But the fact remains that we hurt each other badly, and that hurt and mistrust caused us to shut down. 

"We also discussed the current state of our marriage. How I feel like no matter how much we talk things out during these sessions, no matter how many times she’s told me that she’s committed to working on this, I still get the sense that she’s going to bolt the minute I do something or say something wrong."

When Nancy finally spoke, her voice was rusty. "And I told him I’m not going to do that. I _am_ committed to trying—but, God, it still hurts so badly. 

"I also promised not to let things drag out between us. Staying in this limbo of ‘ _Are we married? Are we not married?_ ’ has been tough for the both of us, and it’s not fair to Ned or to me to leave things linger."

"Have you set a deadline for yourself to make a decision?" Sol probed gently.

"Yes," she replied quietly. "I’ve told Ned that I’ll know by my birthday. We’ve always celebrated with both of our families, and if we really aren’t going to be together permanently, it doesn’t make sense for us to go through a whole charade on my birthday."

"Understandable. But are you sure you’ll be ready by then? Will that give you enough time? Because you’ve already talked about how it’s not fair to you or to Ned if things remain indefinite, but it _really_ won’t be fair if you set a deadline and then change it."

Nancy hesitated before nodding. "I have to be ready by then, for my own peace of mind. And I think that after a few more therapy sessions, I’ll know for sure what’ll be best for me, and for us. Either way, it’ll be a difficult decision."

"Of course," Sol agreed. "And I wouldn’t want you to make it hastily. So, as we continue to look toward the future, we need to talk about goals. That was the other homework assignment I gave you."

"I told Nancy that my goal is to save our marriage," Ned piped up immediately.

"And I told Ned that I can’t be his only goal," she replied just as quickly. He didn’t sense any irritation in her tone, though. "I can’t be his only focus. That would just make me feel suffocated and would put pressure on me."

"That is true, but I was actually talking about something a little different," their therapist replied. "I wanted to know where you thought your relationship would have been by this point in your marriage. Let’s pretend for a minute that this terrible year or so never happened, that Ned had never taken the job in California. Nancy, what would you have liked your marriage to be like?"

Ned heard her inhale deeply from her side of the sofa. She paused a moment before answering. "If everything hadn’t gotten derailed, I would have expected us to have had a baby by now."

Her voice caught slightly, and Ned reached over to take her hand, rubbing the back of it. 

"Okay," Sol replied, his tone gentle. "But how would things have been between you and Ned?"

"Good, I guess. I think we still would’ve had some fights about my job, but we’d have gotten through them, like we always had. He would’ve been pissed about some of the assignments I would’ve taken, but it wouldn’t have broken us. 

"We would’ve been excited about my pregnancy, and Ned would’ve been just ecstatic about the idea of being a dad.  It definitely would’ve been very different from the way things actually turned out."

Ned didn’t let go of her hand as Sol considered her reply. "How else would you have pictured things?"

"I believe that we would’ve been happy; our marriage would’ve been stable. I mean, things weren’t perfect between us, but we still would’ve been together. Like I said, there would have been arguments and disagreements from time to time, but it still would’ve been okay.  We’d have stayed in our house and our nursery would have been overflowing with presents from our parents, who would’ve been even more thrilled about the baby than even we would’ve been.

"I also think that we would’ve planned some type of nice celebration of our upcoming wedding anniversary—and would’ve kidded around about making it past the seven-year mark without succumbing to that famous itch." She smiled sadly, and the sight of it broke Ned’s heart. 

"We’d have just been happy with each other, and a baby would have made things even better."

"Do you really think that’s true?" Nancy nodded at the therapist’s question, still not releasing Ned’s hand. "The reason I’m asking is that I think we’ve already established that there were little cracks in your marriage before, and bringing a baby into a relationship can sometimes make things even more stressful."

"Yes, but before all of this, before California, I never in a million years would have imagined that we wouldn’t have been able to recover from a fight, that we would’ve wound up like this. While there were times we drove each other crazy and had bitter arguments, a baby would’ve brought us even closer—I know it."

Ned knew Nancy well enough by now to know that the stubbornness in her tone meant she wasn’t going to back down. Sol must have sensed it, too, because he changed the direction of his questioning. 

"You said that Ned would’ve been happy about becoming a father. Did the two of you talk about becoming parents before what happened in California?"

"We did," she acknowledged. "Ned always wanted us to have a child; I was the one who was hesitant."

"It’s because you were scared," Ned replied without even thinking. When Sol and Nancy both turned to look at him, he continued. "You were scared about being a mom, and it’s totally understandable, sweetheart."

"Is that true, Nancy?" their therapist asked. 

"Yes." Her voice was so low that Ned had to strain to hear her. "Yes." 

"Why were you afraid about being a parent?"

"Part of me was scared about not being prepared for it. I know that babies change your life and I… before all of this, I _liked_ our life. We traveled when we wanted to, we went out when we felt like it, we didn’t have to worry about childcare when we had to work crazy hours… Hell, we were able to make love on the couch on a Saturday afternoon if we felt like it—and be as loud as we wanted to while we were doing it. Having a baby would’ve meant that all of that would’ve had to change. We would’ve had to give up our freedom, Sol." 

"That’s true. And I agree that people need to consider all of those factors before deciding to bring another life into the world; if they aren’t ready to make those sacrifices, they should probably consider waiting until they are. 

"That said, many people find the tradeoffs to be worth it. And no one can ever truly be prepared for being a parent. You think it’s going to be a certain way, but when it actually happens? It ain’t nothin’ like you thought it would be." 

Nancy and Ned both laughed at the mock grimace on Sol’s face before Nancy turned serious again. "Yeah. But I think that I would’ve been ready for it. When Ned was commuting to L.A. and I was flying all over the world for my job, we talked about starting our family. And for the first time, I felt my fears start to fade. I thought it could be okay, that we’d both be mature enough and stable enough to be good parents."

"Why else were you scared, Nancy?"

Nancy sighed. "We’ve talked about how close my dad and I are. That’s because he was my only parent; my mom died when I was three." 

Ned felt his stomach twist at what he knew his wife was about to bring up, but he let her talk without interrupting. 

"I’m sorry to hear that," Sol told her sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult for you."

"It is and it’s not," she admitted, finally letting go of Ned so she could fold her hands in her lap. "I was so little when it happened that I don’t really remember her. But her absence is like a presence all its own. The feeling of missing her is so damn… _palpable_ sometimes.

"When my friends would complain about having to go somewhere their moms had dragged them, I wanted to say, _‘At least you_ have _a mom to go places with.’_ When they pulled away after their mothers had played with their hair or fixed their clothing, I felt so fucking jealous. I just wanted her so badly that it ached. Every graduation, every birthday, every milestone in my life… it’s like something’s missing.

 "And when…" By now, her voice was thick with tears, and Ned’s heart contracted with pity from hearing the pain behind her words. "And on my wedding day, I was so happy and yet so sad, all at the same time. Happy because I was marrying the man of my dreams, the love of my life; sad because my mom never got to meet him and she couldn’t be there to help me to pick out my dress or help to put it on me before I walked down the aisle to him."

Nancy was crying in full force and Ned couldn’t stop himself from pulling her into his arms. "Shhh," he crooned, stroking her hair. "Baby, I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I wish that your mom could’ve been here, too. I wish that she could’ve seen what a beautiful, amazing woman you turned into, and I wish that you would’ve been able to turn to her during everything we've gone through over the last year." 

"But I couldn’t," she sniffled, pulling back. "No matter how much we both wished for it, that’s something neither of us can change." 

"Nancy, how do you think your mother’s absence from your life would shape you as a parent?" Sol asked gently. 

"Ask Ned," she replied, and now he could hear the bitterness laced into her words. 

It was Ned’s cue to stop holding back the words that he’d had on his tongue since this whole conversation had started. "Baby, I am so sorry that I said those horrible things to you that night of our huge fight. Please, _please_ believe me," he pleaded. "I was just pissed, and I went way over the line when I said that you wouldn’t be a good mother because you hadn’t grown up with a mom of your own. I just said it to hurt you, and I was _such_ an asshole for doing it."

"Do you think that’s true, Nancy? That you wouldn’t have been a good mother because you didn’t have one of your own?"

"Maybe," she answered, her voice as soft as a whisper. "My dad and my aunt and other family members and her friends said that she was a great mom; she devoted her life to me. She quit her job right before I was born and she loved staying home to take care of me. She loved me so much." 

Nancy impatiently swiped at her tear-stained face. "They talk about how she’d take me to the park, or the zoo, or on long walks around the neighborhood with me in my stroller; how she’d get down on the floor to play with me or color with me. Not for one second did she ever express regret about being a stay-at-home mom; she told everyone that she never felt like she was missing out by not working outside of the home, that raising me made it all worthwhile.

"Part of me feels so warm inside when I hear about things like that, because it’s so nice to know that my mom loved me so much. But then part of me feels…" she paused, as if searching for the right words. "Inadequate. Because I love my job so fucking much that I can’t imagine loving anything or anyone enough to give it up. The thought of permanently staying home full-time makes me anxious and claustrophobic. And then I wonder what kind of a mom I’d be if I feel this way, and what my own mom would have had to say about it."

"If she was the loving, devoted mother that you just described to me, then I think that she would have supported anything that would result in your happiness," Sol told her gently. "She would have wanted her daughter to do what made her feel fulfilled, and if that meant you’d be a mother who worked outside the home, then that’s what she would have told you to do."

Nancy sniffled, still crying. "I know, but I’m still so worried. What if we have a baby and I don’t know how to love it enough?  What if I just don’t feel those feelings that a mom should have for her child?"

Ned couldn’t stay silent any longer. "Baby, you don’t have to worry about that. You are so inherently loving and kind that I know you’ll be an amazing mom. You’ll be a natural, Nan. Our child would be so lucky to have you for its mother. They’d have a beautiful, compassionate, brilliant woman as their role model growing up, and they’d adore you, honey."

She smiled, but Ned could still sense that she had doubts. "Thank you, but I’m just not sure. How will I know what to do, how to take care of it? When it’s hungry, when it’s sick, how will I know? Other women just seem to… _sense_ that kind of stuff. And I won’t have my mom around to help me."

"You’ll learn, honey," Ned reassured her. "And you know that my mom will help you with anything, any time. She loves you like a daughter and she’d be more than willing to pitch in—she’d _love_ it. Plus, we’d also have Hannah for support, and she loves you too, honey."

"I know. And your mom has been wonderful to me since the day I met her, and even more so with everything that’s been going on lately.  But… I don’t know if I’m… maternal."

"I wish I never said that shit to you during that terrible fight," Ned cursed himself aloud. "I never meant it, Nan. You’ll be a great mom; after all, you’re a great friend, daughter, daughter-in-law, detective, wife… You’re the only person I’ve ever met who’s amazing at every single thing she’s ever tried, so why would this be different?"

"But it _is_ different.  This time, I’d be responsible for another human being. If I fuck up, then it’s someone else’s life at stake, Ned—literally."

"You won’t fuck up," Ned reassured her. "And you keep talking as if you’d be alone in this, but you wouldn’t be—I’d be there too. I’d help in any way I could. We’d be partners, sweetheart, and we’d figure it out together. We would figure out whether the baby’s crying because it’s hungry, because it’s wet, because it’s got an earache; we’d learn that stuff together."

"Nancy, when you were pregnant, did you talk to the baby, rub your tummy, do any of that stuff that other expectant mothers do?"

Ned watched Nancy unconsciously move a hand to her stomach as she replied to Sol’s question. "Yes. But what does that have to do with anything?"

"Humor me. When you got attacked by that guy on the job, did you shield your stomach? Did you automatically panic about whether the baby would be okay, try to protect it?"

She nodded, a puzzled expression still on her face. "Yes. Yes, of course."

"Those are all things that a mother would automatically do, Nancy. Those are normal, maternal reactions to a potential threat to your baby."

Nancy nodded again, but Ned thought she still appeared to be unconvinced. 

"And after you had the miscarriage… did you feel like you had failed a crucial test of being a mother? That you had somehow let it happen because you weren’t vigilant enough or protective enough?"

She appeared startled by his question, but recovered quickly. "Yes. I felt that a good mother would’ve done a better job at guarding her child’s life. Parents always say that they’d lay down their lives for their children, but I let mine die." 

Her voice began to tremble, and Ned felt incredibly sad upon hearing her confession. He picked up her hand again and kissed the back of it before speaking. "Sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault—the doctors told us that it could’ve happened for any number of reasons. It was out of your control. You’re a strong and powerful woman, but even you couldn’t have prevented it from happening, Nan."

"Intellectually, rationally, I know that," she answered. "But like Sol said, I felt like I was being tested to see if I was really up to the challenge… and someone or something determined I wasn’t." 

Ned shook his head firmly. He needed her to stop feeling this way; it wouldn’t do her any good, and it just wasn’t true.  "You can’t think like that, honey. I really, truly believe that it wasn’t meant to be this time—the baby wasn’t viable or strong enough and wasn’t able to be born. Sometimes it just happens, even when the conditions are perfect."

"Ned’s right," Sol told her quietly. "When I said those things, I wasn’t implying that you _should_ feel guilty, I just had a hunch that you were having those kinds of thoughts. But you shouldn’t, Nancy. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t blame yourself."

"Nan, I meant it when I said that you’ll be great at being a mom. I know it in my heart."  He raised their joined hands and placed them over his heart. "If we can make it through all of this, I would love for you to be the mother of my children. I have no doubts about your parenting abilities, none at all."

When Nancy gave him a sweet smile, Ned felt like his words had sunk in for her a little. He leaned over and planted a gentle kiss onto her lips and was gratified when she returned it. 

"Ned, we’ve been talking about Nancy’s fears about becoming a mother; what about your feelings about parenthood? Are you nervous about becoming a father one day?"

Ned regarded Sol pensively. "Yes and no," he admitted after a moment. "I mean, I was blessed with an amazing dad; he was there for every game and every school event, he was affectionate, he always let me know that he was proud of me… I’m a little worried that I won’t be able to live up to that."

"Really?" Nancy asked, and the surprise in her tone was evident as she turned to look at him. 

"Yeah," he shrugged. "You know what Dad’s like, and those are big shoes to fill."

"Ned, I’d always seen you as a totally hands-on dad. Changing diapers, grabbing your camera to record the baby’s first steps, going to every play and pageant and game, attending parent-teacher conferences… I’d always thought you’d be really great at it," she informed him almost shyly.

Even after everything they’d been through, it amazed Ned that his wife still had so much confidence in him. "Thanks, Nan."

"Ned, you had said that you were only somewhat nervous about having a child. Why?" Sol asked. 

"Because what I told Nan is true; I think that we would be able to figure things out together. Sol, last week you told us to start think of ourselves as an _us_ , as a team. I think that having a baby would help us to do that—when we’re ready, I mean.  

"You didn’t know us before, but whenever Nan and I would join forces to work on her cases or on any other project, really, we were an incredible team; we were unstoppable. I’d always thought we’d be the same way when we were lucky enough to become parents. And it would be amazing to raise a child with the woman I love, to start our own little family." 

"Nancy, I know that when you did find out you were pregnant, it was a surprise.  So, let me ask. After you talked about having a baby before your move to California, were you actively trying?"

"I was, he wasn’t." 

Ned bit his tongue so he wouldn’t say something nasty and ruin the progress they were making during their therapy session. 

"Why do you say that?" 

"After we agreed to start a family, I told Ned point blank that if I were to get pregnant, I wouldn’t raise a child in California.  And we fought about it, Sol—we fought about it a lot. Because he made it very clear that he had no intention of leaving, even though he’d promised me that we could come back to Illinois if I wasn’t happy after six months."

Trying his hardest to tamp down the flare of irritation, Ned spoke up.  "I just didn’t get why she made such a big deal about starting our family in L.A."

"Because I didn’t want to have a baby when we were so far away from our friends and family, Ned!" she burst out. "I just told you how scared I was about even being a mom in the first place; the thought of doing it completely on my own was even scarier! And don’t tell me that you would’ve been there to help out, because we both know damn well that you barely spent any time with me while we were out there. I already felt like I was alone, and I didn’t want to be alone while I was trying to figure out how to be a parent." 

Her voice had taken on a tone of weariness, rather than irritation, and Ned found that he couldn’t argue with her. "You’re right," he admitted. "I probably would’ve just buried myself deeper into my work so I could avoid having to look at your face and see the disappointment in my skills as a husband and father reflected there."

She remained silent, but looked surprised that he hadn’t tried to argue with her. "It would have killed me," she told him quietly. "To raise a child with you like that—especially knowing how wonderful you would have been at it if you had been the guy I’d fallen in love with. I kept hoping that you’d turn back into that man if I got you back here, away from all of that bullshit in California, as we were about to start a family."

"But, Nan, you have to understand—I felt like the only reason you even _wanted_ to get pregnant while we were out there was just so you could force me into coming back here. It wasn’t even about having a child together; you made it into your escape route, a pawn in a game. And it bothered me to think that the only reason you were trying to get pregnant was to win that game, not because you really wanted a baby."

"Is that why you kept avoiding the appointments with the fertility doctors?"

"Partially. I was scared shitless about the idea of not being able to drink or do coke beforehand in case it showed up in the tests, but also because the thought of having a baby in those circumstances really put me off, Nan." It amazed Ned, how totally honest they were being with each other without yelling or name calling. "It felt like your whole pregnancy quest came out of your obsession with coming back to Illinois, not because you had a burning desire to be a mom. I just didn’t want it to be like that, sweetheart."

 "Was what Ned said about the reasons you wanted to have a baby true? That you only pursued that plan so you could make him come back home, that it was a means to an end?"

"Yes." Her voice was so silent that Ned had to strain to hear her. "And it makes me feel so ashamed."

"Why, Nancy?" Sol asked gently. 

"Because I was trying so damn hard to have a baby for all of the wrong reasons; and then when I got pregnant without even trying, I lost it. I feel like I was being punished."

"Sweetheart, no." Ned slid his arm around her shoulders and drew her close so he could kiss the top of her head. "No, that’s not why it happened. I wish you’d believe me when I say that it was not your fault. Please try to stop feeling so guilty about it."

"I wish I could. But—"

"But nothing, Nan. The miscarriage wasn’t a punishment or a message or a signal for anything. It was a terrible thing that happened, but it _wasn’t your fault_."

"It wasn’t, Nancy," Sol chimed in. "Ned’s right. You cannot keep beating yourself up about it."

"I’m trying so hard not to. But sometimes…"

"No," the therapist told her more emphatically this time. "Nancy, no. It’s not good for you to keep thinking like that. It’s perfectly normal for you to grieve for what you lost and mourn. But you have to stop blaming yourself."

She didn’t look convinced, but Sol didn’t press the point, instead redirecting their conversation. "Ned, if the miscarriage had never happened, do you think that you and Nancy would have been able to make a go of co-parenting?"

Ned paused for a long while before speaking. "I don’t know. Of course, I never wanted the miscarriage to happen—I didn’t, sweetheart," he told Nancy, turning to face her. "I never would have wished for it, but… now I can see that the timing of it was all wrong. I don’t know how it would have been for us if we’d introduced a baby into our obviously damaged marriage.

"Every time I think about what it would have been like, I can’t help but imagine us fighting. We would’ve been trying so hard to pretend that everything was all right that we never really would’ve fixed things. I could imagine us thinking, _‘Well, it has to work by the time the baby’s here, so let’s just gloss over all of the bad shit and force ourselves to get along.’_  

"Once the baby actually arrived, I think we would’ve been so resentful of each other and our situation and under such pressure that it would’ve been difficult for us to recover. It would’ve just led to our divorce without any possibility of making it work."

"You really believe that?" Nancy asked, and he didn’t sense any bitterness coming from her, just curiosity. 

"Yeah. Nan, I wouldn’t have been at all sorry if you’d had the baby and I would have loved it so, so much. But I think that I would’ve had to pay the price by losing you for good."

"What do you think about what Ned’s said?" Sol asked Nancy. "Do you think that it’s accurate?"

She exhaled loudly. "I… yeah. Yes. I mean, I assume that we would’ve continued our therapy throughout the pregnancy, but I was already hearing the clock ticking in my head—I kept thinking about how we only had until the end of the nine months to make everything okay.

"Forcing things wouldn’t have worked; it would’ve just made me continue to resent Ned, made me feel like we were only staying together for the baby’s sake. Even with our best acting, our best attempts to hide the truth, I really believe that our child would’ve somehow picked up on that resentment, on the bitterness between us, and it makes me so sad to even think about it. 

"I never would have wanted to raise a child in that kind of home, with two parents who just coexisted without really being a couple. But even knowing all of that… I really wanted the baby."

"I know you did, Nan," Ned soothed, pressing a brief kiss to her temple. "And I would have been such a proud dad if the baby had survived. No matter what, it would have been _ours_ , sweetheart, and I would have loved it like I love you."

"So if things do work out with your relationship, would you want to try again for a baby? Or would your fears hold you back?" Sol asked. 

Nancy sighed. "I think that I’d have a set of new worries this time around. Not only would I be afraid of being a good mom, but I’d also be terrified about whether I’d be able to carry the baby to term, or if I’d… if I’d lose it like I did before."

"What did the doctors tell you about your chances of having more children?" 

"That there wouldn’t be any reason to think that I couldn’t have a successful pregnancy the next time around. As long as my body weight was in more of a normal range, then there shouldn’t be a problem."

"And it looks to me like you’re working on that," Sol smiled at Nancy. 

"I am," she acknowledged. "I still have to remind myself to eat sometimes, but it’s getting easier."

"I think it’ll be perfectly natural for you to be a little extra-cautious if and when you do get pregnant again, but you shouldn’t let it turn into paranoia."

"I know. But I’ll still be terrified, all the same."

Ned rubbed her back reassuringly. "And I’ll be right there with you every step of the way—I promise you, Nan. This time, I will be, and you’ll never have to doubt me. You’ll be able to tell me when you’re scared or worried and we’ll talk it through."  

She hesitated, and for one terrible second Ned thought she was going to tell him that if she were to get pregnant again, it might not be with him. Instead, she gave him a half-smile. "I believe you when you say you would."

"So we’ve talked a lot about how you both thought that you would have been parents right now. Ned, do you agree with Nancy when she said that you would have been happily married? Do you think there would have been any issues or problems?"

"What couple doesn’t have problems?" he shrugged. 

"Well, there are problems, and there are _problems_. And I think you know the difference, Ned."

The therapist’s words held a mild air of chastisement; by this point in their therapy, Ned should have known better than to try to gloss over things. "You’re right. Sorry. To answer your question, I think that our marriage would have been in a really good place. 

"Yeah, I’m sure we would’ve still argued and there would have always been things that we’d disagree about; we’re both very stubborn people, as we’ve already established during these sessions." 

Ned paused to look over and was glad when Nancy had a grin on her fact that matched his own. "That said... We were both very much in love, we liked spending time together… we had a good thing going, until I fucked it up by taking the promotion in California." 

"Do you think that either one of you would have strayed?"

Both Nancy and Ned blinked at the question. "No," Ned replied immediately, and Nancy echoed the sentiment. 

 "So before California, neither of you had attractions to other people?"

"Since we’ve been married? No," she replied.

Ned nodded. "I never really looked at another woman before…" He didn’t want to utter Carly’s name aloud. "But we’ve both always had a slight problem with jealousy."

"Always," Nancy agreed. "Ever since we were dating. If a girl so much as looked at Ned, it freaked me out. Even though he usually didn’t look back. And it didn’t matter if we were fighting or how mad I was at him; the sight of another girl coming on to my guy just pissed me off."

Ned flashed back briefly to that summer in the Hamptons, when Nancy had been involved with Sasha and Ned used that girl Marina to make her jealous. It had been a dirty trick, but Ned hadn’t been above anything to try to win his girlfriend back and show her that what they had was special.

"And I was the same way," Ned added. "Even if we weren’t getting along, if anyone else showed an interest in Nan, it drove me crazy. I mean, guys have always been attracted to her, and they just love to flirt with her, even if I’m right there. Hell, I can’t blame them—she’s absolutely gorgeous and incredibly sexy, and I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself from trying to get her attention if she weren’t mine."

"How big of a problem was that jealousy?"

Ned exchanged a glance with his wife, noting that she appeared to be as reluctant to divulge the truth as he was. 

"Come on, now," Sol chided them gently. "You’ve both confessed things that were far worse in these sessions. Out with it."

"Pretty big," Nancy admitted. "Anytime we went somewhere and there was a guy who acted interested in me or a girl who hit on Ned, the other person would flip out. I mean, I can list out names, occurrences, et cetera…"

"She’s right—it was pretty bad. We’d argue about it, whether it happened while we were dating or after we were already married."

"So both of you felt insecure about your relationship—threatened by others," Sol observed. 

"Yes," she said softly. "And it was stupid—before his… relationship with Carly, there weren’t really reasons for me to be insecure. He was a loving, affectionate, devoted boyfriend, and then husband; I never had a reason to doubt him or his fidelity. 

"But when we went to Connecticut for one of my cases and an actress named Laura started calling him ‘darling,' or he took a modeling job in San Francisco and this girl named Amanda tried to get her hooks into him, or I asked him to help me on a case and this Sondra girl—the _sister_ of one of my _main suspects_ , for God’s sake _—_ started coming onto him right in front of me… God, I fucking hated it. He was _mine_ , damn it."

Ned was startled by the force behind her words. "Nan, you know that those girls meant nothing to me. They were cute and I liked the attention, but I loved _you._ And sometimes it felt like you only wanted me when someone else did—like a toddler who only picks up a toy when another kid starts playing with it. "

"It wasn’t about that, Ned," she replied hotly, but Ned still wasn’t quite convinced, even after all of these years. 

When he just gave her a look, Nancy shrugged sheepishly. "Okay, maybe it was sometimes, a little. But not in the way you think.  Every time another girl started to show some interest in you, it reminded me just how amazing you are. That I shouldn’t take you for granted just because we’d been together forever. It reminded me all over again of what I’d lose if I let you go."

"It didn’t always seem like it was based on your appreciation of me, Nan; I sometimes wondered if it was more like _desperation._ Like you didn’t want to let go of a sure thing."

"No," she replied softly. "It was never that, Ned. Never. I didn’t want to let go of _you—_ because it would be like walking away from the other half of myself _._ And I’m sorry that you never knew that. I’m sorry."

She and Ned stared at each other for a moment, and just like it had for all of these years, he felt his resistance start to melt in the face of her apology.

Sol broke the silence. "Ned, you said that you found the attention from those other girls to be flattering, but you were never really interested." 

Ned nodded, reluctantly tearing his gaze away from Nancy’s face. "Sol, you may not believe it, especially given what you’ve heard us talk about during all of these sessions—but for so long, I only had eyes for Nancy. From the moment I met her, I knew she was the one. None of those other girls could ever possibly compare to my Nancy." 

At that, his wife smiled at him, and he returned her smile easily. 

"But you’ve always doubted whether Nancy felt the same way about you, even after the two of you were married. You’ve always questioned her fidelity. Is that the reason why you’ve always been so jealous when it comes to her?"

"Yeah," Ned admitted. "It’s always driven me crazy, the way guys are always turned on by her. Like you said, it’s because of my insecurity about our relationship."

"What about Frank?" Sol asked. When Ned looked at him, puzzled, he continued. "During a previous session, you talked about how threatened you felt by this guy named Frank Hardy. Did you fear that Nancy would leave him for you?"

Nancy made a noise as if to interrupt, but Ned answered first. "Yeah. Because every time they worked a case together, I saw the way that fucker looked at her. He’s wanted to get into her pants since the day I met him. Oh, he’s been going with a girl for years and years and years, a perfectly nice, very pretty girl named Callie, but we all knew that Hardy would toss her aside in a second if Nancy had ever even given an inkling that she was willing to be with him. It’s not exactly a secret."

"Nancy, you’ve talked about how you had acted upon a mutual attraction to Frank, but you pulled back whenever you’d realize that being with him would be a mistake."

"Yes, but that was back when Ned and I were still dating—once things got really serious between us, my feelings for Frank changed. That spark just wasn’t there anymore. Really, until… Ben..." 

Ned briefly wondered how long it would take before his stomach wouldn’t clench at the sound of that asshole’s name on his wife’s lips, but he didn’t interrupt her. 

"Until Ben, I hadn’t had been attracted to any man besides my husband. And even then, I only acted upon it because Ned…" When Sol gave her a warning look, Nancy amended her sentence. "Because _I_ felt neglected and spent my time and energy on a relationship with another man rather than on fixing my marriage."

"So, since the purpose of counseling is to make your marriage strong again, do you think you can both let go of the jealousy thing going forward? If we can get the both of you to a place where you feel confident about your partner’s feelings and commitment, do you think you can stop feeling so nervous about every man or woman that even glances at your spouse?"

Ned looked over to see Nancy nodding; he did the same.

"Now, I’m not saying that it’s not going to be easy, given the fact that there has been infidelity in your marriage, but living in a constant state of fear and paranoia won’t be good for either of you. And you’re both very attractive people, so it’s completely unrealistic to think that there’s never going to come a time when some other man or woman will flirt with or hit on your spouse again. 

"If that should happen, I want each of you to think about the fact that you’ve both gone through all of this hard work to repair your relationship. Someone who shows that level of commitment to something isn’t going to throw away everything they’ve worked just to screw things up again. So if you go to the movies and the girl selling popcorn smiles at Ned, it doesn’t mean he’s going to run off with her. And if Nancy runs into Frank Hardy for whatever reason, it doesn’t mean she’s going to start an affair with him."

"That makes sense," Nancy said quietly. "But I still think it’s going to be hard—every time a beautiful, sexy woman that flirts with my husband, it’s going to be hard not to wonder whether he’s going to flirt back or try to start something up with her. Because of… Carly."

Ned hated the way her voice faltered when she spoke the other woman’s name. "I won’t, baby," Ned immediately reassured his wife. "Like Sol said, I wouldn’t want to risk messing up again after I somehow miraculously got you to come back to me. No woman in the world would be worth losing you again, my love."

"And if I decide to stay in this marriage, I’m not going to change my mind in six months or a year or ten years, Ned. You won’t ever have to doubt me again."

"Thank you, Nan." He would have preferred to hear her say that she was definitely ready to commit to staying with him permanently, but Ned knew better than to push her. 

"Okay, so we’ve talked about parenthood and jealousy and what you thought your marriage would’ve been like if you hadn’t gone through everything that happened over the last year.  All tough topics, to be sure, but there’s something else I want to ask before we wrap up tonight.

"If we can get your relationship to a good place, where would you like your marriage to be a year from now?"

"Like you said, we’ve already covered the topic, but I’d like to see us thinking about trying again for a baby," Ned replied. "Besides that, I’d like things to be _normal_ between us. I’d like to come home from work and grill out on the patio on a Tuesday night. I’d like to go out with our friends on a Saturday night. I’d like to have Sunday dinner at my parents’ or at her dad’s. I’d like to take Nancy away for long weekends so we could have romantic time alone. 

"Most of all, I’d like to be able to fall asleep with my wife in my arms and to wake up that way, too. I’d like to be able to make love with her so I can show her how much I love her, then surprise her with breakfast in bed. I want to be able to relax and be who I am, instead of constantly trying to be on my best behavior. That’s all, Sol. I’m tired of us fighting and I’m tired of living apart. I just want normalcy. I want us to be best friends again."

"Nancy? How about you?"

"If I stay with Ned, I would want us to be able to talk to each other—really _talk_ to each other. I want to be able to tell my husband what I’m thinking and feeling without it turning into an argument, and for him to do the same. I don’t want to go back to hiding things from each other out of fear about what the other person will say or do. I want to be able to talk to him about my job, and maybe even have him join me on cases, like he used to do, without us fighting about the possible danger involved.

"Like Ned said, I just want us to be comfortable around each other again, not where we have to walk on eggshells for fear of pissing each other off or upsetting each other. I want to feel safe and secure and loved when I walk into my house or when I see or talk to my husband. It wasn’t like that over the last year, and I want to get back to that place again."

"And children?" Sol pressed her. 

"I think that I could be ready to think about trying again in a year, if we’re still together. But I’ll probably still be scared." 

"And that’s okay, Nan," Ned quickly told her. "Because I’ll help you to work through those fears."

 "Those are good goals—very realistic. I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I think we can accomplish all of them. I still have faith, if you do."

"I do. I think we can get there, Nan, because I love you and you still love me," Ned reminded her. "I’m not going to give up on us, sweetheart. I’ll _never, ever_ give up on us." 

He hoped the fierceness in his tone made Nancy believe it. 

\--

The Mexican restaurant where Ned took her on Friday night wasn’t fancy, by any means, but they both loved the authentic cuisine—as did everyone else in the area, because it was consistently packed.

After they placed their orders, Nancy excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. She had felt a slight edge of nerves creeping in since Ned had picked her up at the house earlier that evening, and she didn’t know if it was because she was nervous about having another serious talk with him during the evening or if she was anxious about whether they’d get physical again after dinner. 

The way he’d touched her during their last date had been delicious. Tonight, Nancy could feel that familiar old twinge of arousal just from being around her husband, and she had the feeling that having him stroke his fingers inside of her wouldn’t be enough for her tonight.

She used the restroom then washed her hands, pressing her cool, damp hands against her slightly flushed cheeks to try and lower her internal temperature. After reapplying her lipstick, Nancy made her way back to the table, and the sight that greeted her made her breath catch in her throat.

 A very pretty, very shapely brunette was standing at the table, smiling at Ned.  The girl couldn’t have been more than twenty-five, and the way she was flipping her hair and fluttering her eyelashes at him made Nancy positive that the brunette was flirting with Ned.  Nancy tried to remember what Sol had said last night about managing her jealousy, but it sure as hell wasn’t easy.

Just as she felt her stomach clench, the bile rising in her throat, Nancy saw her husband shake his head and point to his wedding ring. The smile he gave the brunette wasn’t overly friendly, nor did he appear to be checking out the girl’s figure, which was being shown off in a tight, short, black dress. 

Once the girl walked away, Nancy forced herself to take a deep breath before pasting a smile onto her face and sitting down in her chair.

"So, I see they brought our drinks over," she said, injecting a lightness into her tone that she definitely didn’t feel as she pointed to the non-alcoholic fruit slushes they’d ordered. 

Ned looked nervous, she noted, but not guilty. "I know you saw her, Nan. She came over here to ask if I was here with a friend but I told her I was married. I didn’t flirt with her or try to pick her up—I swear it, baby." 

"I believe you," she replied, and Nancy was surprised to discover that it was true. From what she had seen, Ned hadn’t been sending the brunette any signals to indicate that he was interested, nor had he tried to pass the girl his number. Her fears subsided as she took a sip of her drink.

"Thank you, sweetheart," he smiled, the relief in his tone evident. "Just like I told you last night, I’m not interested in anyone else. I’m just so happy to be here with you—and you’re the most beautiful woman in the entire restaurant. You look so gorgeous in that dress, Nan, and incredibly sexy."

Nancy ducked her head, pleased by his compliment. She’d picked the long-sleeved, emerald-hued dress because the shade set off her hair and her complexion, and because it showed off her long legs to perfect advantage. "Thanks. So, have you tried your mango-orange drink yet?"

"Yes, and it’s delicious—here, try some." 

Ned pushed his glass across the table and Nancy took a sip. The fruity, icy concoction was truly delectable, even without alcohol.  "Wow. I really need to learn how to make these—they’d be great for a backyard barbecue or a taco party."

After Ned had tasted her watermelon-cucumber-mint slush and proclaimed it even better than his, his expression turned serious. "Nan? Can we talk about something that I’ve been thinking about since therapy last night?"

She nodded, suddenly feeling anxious again. "Sure." 

He took a tortilla chip and dipped it into the spicy salsa bowl in the center of the table before speaking. "When Sol asked you where you thought our marriage would have been if the last year or so hadn’t happened, you had said that we’d have been happy, but we would’ve still fought about your job."

Instinctively, her hackles began to rise and it took everything in Nancy to suppress the urge to take a defensive tack. "Do you not agree?"

"I do. I definitely do." Ned bit into the chip, bringing his napkin up to his chin to prevent a drop of salsa from splattering onto the tabletop. "Because I know how much your job means to you and how you sometimes get so wrapped up in solving things that your own personal safety becomes an afterthought."

She fished a chip out of the basket and broke it into two pieces just so she could have a way to control her frustration. "It bothers me when you make me sound reckless and foolish, Ned. Danger and risk are part of the job, Ned; comes with the territory."

"I know that, Nan. Believe me," he replied wryly. "But it doesn’t make me stop worrying about you. I absolutely hate the idea of someone hurting you, or worse. Baby, it would break my heart to think that we’d finally get past all of this horrible shit in our marriage just to have some psychopathic asshole take you away from me for good." 

"That won’t happen, Ned," Nancy protested, still fighting to stay calm. "Look, sometimes I get banged up and people try to threaten me, but I can take care of myself."  She dropped the broken chip onto the small plate in front of her and took another one from the basket, idly running the edge over the paper napkin she’d just unrolled. 

"You can," he acknowledged with a nod, "but I still can’t help but be scared. When I get a call from the hospital, telling me you’ve been admitted to the ER, or when you disappear without leaving word…"

"Ned, I’ve already apologized for Montreal," she reminded him. "I didn’t want to leave without telling you, but I only did it because I was trying to protect you." 

"I understand—really, I do—but there are no words to describe the absolute terror I felt while we were searching for you. I was sick at the thought of not ever seeing you again, at the idea that I could have lost you if I hadn’t been clever or lucky enough to find you."

Nancy leaned forward to place her hand on his arm. "But you were. You were, Ned. You were able to follow the clues, just like I knew you would be."

"Nan, I want to ask you for something, something I’ve already requested of you in the past. And I’m only doing it because it would mean a lot to me, not to press a point or try to win an argument."

"What is it?" she replied warily. She prayed that he wouldn’t ask her to quit her job, because Nancy knew that there was no way she could remain calm if that were the case. 

It was as if he’d read her mind. "I can see from that expression on your face that you think I’m about to ask you to quit," Ned chuckled. "But that’s not it. At this point, I know better than to do that. 

"No, what I want is for you to get that subdermal tracker, once and for all. While I know that it won’t stop you from being assaulted, at least it’ll give me a way to find you if someone grabs you, and can ensure that the cops could track you down, too."

She had initially been so relieved that his request didn’t involve her leaving her job—again—that Nancy had been about to tell him yes. Just as the word was on the tip of her tongue, a sudden idea came to her. 

"Ned, you wouldn’t by any chance be using this subdermal tracker as an excuse to track me for other reasons, would you?"

He paused, a salsa-laden tortilla chip halfway to his mouth. "For what other reasons, Nan?"

Nancy hated to voice her fears aloud. She had a feeling that doing so could lead to a fight, thus undoing all of the progress they’d made so far. _But he’s asked you to stop keeping your thoughts and feelings from him,_ she reminded herself.  

She took in a deep breath. "Do you want to use it to keep tabs on me twenty-four-seven?" When he looked at her blankly, she continued. "Is it a way to make sure I’m not involved with another guy?"

"What?" he asked, and Nancy could sense the anger behind the word. 

Already starting to feel foolish, she went on anyway. "Did you want to be able to track me to see if I’m taking up with Ben or Frank or someone else? Does this tie into that whole jealousy thing we talked about last night? "

"No," Ned replied emphatically, setting the tortilla chip onto his plate. "Nan, that’s _not_ what this is about; it’s not about a lack of trust or spying on you. It’s about me having piece of mind, knowing that you can be found if something happens to you, God forbid. That’s it. 

"Look, even if you decide that we’re not going to be together for the long haul, I meant it when I said that I’ll always love you and care about you. Even if I’m not going to be in your life, I want to know that _someone_ will be able to find you when you get yourself into one of your crazy scrapes. Please, Nan—I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it weren’t incredibly important to me."

"Okay," she replied softly. "If that’s truly the reason, then I’ll do it, Ned. I’ll ask my boss about it on Monday. Brown should know a guy who can do it. And you can come with me to the appointment so you’ll know for sure I’ve had the procedure."

The smile that Ned gave her made her heart melt—and the flesh between her thighs clench with arousal. "Thank you, Nan. Thank you so much, baby. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’ll still worry about you—I’ll always worry, as long as you’re out there tracking down bad guys—but at least I won’t feel completely helpless."

Just then, the waitress came by with their meals, piping hot dishes of mole chicken enchiladas, black beans simmered with jalapeños and garlic, and saffron-tinged rice studded with pigeon peas and bits of tomato. 

Once the waitress left, Ned grinned at Nancy. "I have to admit that I love the idea of being able to work on cases with you again—and that you want me to."

"We were a great team," she reminded him lightly as she picked up a forkful of rice. "And you were always a great sounding board when I got stuck trying to puzzle something out."

"Does this mean we can spend nights on stakeouts?"

The hopeful note in his tone made her laugh. "You just want an excuse to get me alone in a dark car."

Ned grinned as he took a bite of his enchilada. "What can I say? It was always a lot of fun, trying to distract you."

"Yeah, trying to keep your hand from snaking underneath my skirt or from creeping beneath my shirt was definitely a distraction," she teased.

"I couldn’t help it!" he defended himself playfully. "Those were some of my only chances to get you alone; I had to go for it."

"Hmm," she said, trying and failing to keep her lips from turning up into a smile. 

 "Come on, you loved it, too."

"Maybe." She took a long sip of her drink and regarded him from over the top of her glass. "So if I ask you to maybe blow off one of our date nights and come with me to trail a suspect, you wouldn’t be pissed?"

"Nope—to tell the truth, I kind of miss it, Nan. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try to get some kind of a reward from you afterwards." He waved his fork in her direction before popping some beans into his mouth. 

"Only if you were a good boy and didn’t prevent me from getting my work done."

After they had finished dinner, Nancy and Ned split a lime tart, the creamy-cool consistency and slight acidity of the dessert a perfect contrast to their spicy, flavorful meals. The conversation during the rest of their meal kept a decidedly lighter tone, and Nancy couldn’t help but remember hundreds of date nights like this one—she and Ned sharing meals, sharing laughter and jokes, both of them feeling completely at ease around each other. 

When he pulled into the driveway, Ned kept the car running as he leaned over to kiss her. 

"I had such a nice time with you tonight, baby," he told her, his lips warm and tender on hers. 

She kissed him back. "I did, too. Did you want to come in for a little while?"

"Baby, I would love that," Ned told her between kisses, "but I didn’t want to presume."

Nancy reached over and undid Ned’s seatbelt. "Just for a little while." 

When they got out of the car, she took his hand and led him to the front door. As she fished for her keys in her purse and fumbled to unlock the door, Ned wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face into the side of her neck, planting soft kisses there. "Stop distracting me," she told him, but there was no heat in her words. 

"Can’t help it—you smell so damn good and you’re so warm," he replied, his voice muffled by her skin. 

The minute she had the door open, they all but stumbled inside, the heat a welcome respite from the cold evening air. Ned immediately pulled her close, kissing her lips again; Nancy was so consumed by the feel of his mouth on hers that she immediately went limp, her purse slipping out of her hand and dropping to the floor. 

"Should we go upstairs?" he murmured.

His words snapped her back to reality, and Nancy pulled away slightly. "No," she told him, pressing her fingers to her lips. "No, we shouldn’t."

Ned immediately stepped back, putting his hands up. "I’m sorry, baby—I didn’t mean to rush you. I can leave."

She shook her head. "No, you don’t have to go yet, but… I’m not ready for us to go to bed together, Ned. I’m just not." Her body was telling her otherwise, but Nancy _knew_ it wouldn’t be smart to give in to her urges. 

"That’s okay. We can take this as slow as you’d like, Nan. No pressure, okay?"

Relaxing, Nancy unbuttoned her coat, smiling when Ned gently eased it off her shoulders. "Thank you."

"Of course." He hung both her coat and his in the closet before coming back to place his hands on her shoulders. "Baby, I don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable—I just want to spend time with you, and if that means we just talk or cuddle, I’m totally okay with it."

She smiled. "Well, we can do a _little_ more than that, Ned. I’m just not ready to…go all the way yet." 

"Suddenly, I feel like a teenager again," he teased lightly. 

Nancy laughed, taking his hand and tugging him towards the den. "If you really want to take a tour down memory lane, let’s put on the TV and pretend to watch whatever’s on."

His eyes gleamed wickedly. "While we’re otherwise… occupied?" 

"Mmm hmm. " She sat on the couch and patted the cushion next to hers before leaning over to grab the TV remote, thumbing the channel button up until she found a movie. 

Ned settled down beside her and took the remote from her hand, placing it back onto the coffee table. "You look so unbelievably sexy tonight, Nan. That dress… _mmmm_." His voice vibrated with appreciation. "Shows off those hot legs of yours and clings to that perfect little ass—it’s a ten, babe."

"Perfect?"

"Hell yeah," he told her, sliding his hand onto her bare knee. The contact of his skin on hers made her feel tingly. "Firm and tight and perfect. And those legs… one of the first things I noticed about you, Nan. The first time you wore a pair of shorts in front of me, it took all of my strength not to stare at those killer gams, sweetheart." He imitated Humphrey Bogart, lisp and all, and it made Nancy laugh. 

"I thought you seemed distracted that day," she teased. 

Ned stroked his palm up a little higher on her thigh, setting off a series of pulsations at her core. "Can you blame me? Best legs I’d ever seen, and that’s still true today. Now at least I know what it feels like and looks like to have you wrap them around me during sex… back then, all I had were my fantasies."

She wished he hadn’t mentioned sex; as it was, Nancy was already incredibly aroused. "So, it was just my body that you wanted back then?"

"I wanted your body _and_ your heart—and _that’s_ still true today." 

Later on, Nancy wouldn’t have been able to swear whether he’d moved in for the kiss first, or she had, but their mouths met in a desperate collision that was almost brutal in its force.  His hand slid up her skirt and she fisted her hands in his hair as their tongues clashed. 

"Fuck," Ned muttered against her lips. "God, I want you so fucking much, Nan."

"Touch me," she whimpered, sliding onto her back and pulling him down on top of her. 

"How?" he panted, pulling his lips from hers. His dark eyes were heavy-lidded and smoldering with desire as he looked down at her.

"Hands, mouth, I don’t care. Just please… _please."_

Ned yanked up her skirt so that her panties and bra were exposed, bunching up the dress just under her neck. Reaching behind her, he undid her bra clasp with one deft twist of his fingers, pushing it up to bare her breasts. His lips closed around one already-hard nipple. 

"Yes," she moaned, arching backwards as he used his hand to roughly pluck at the tip of her other breast. "God, yes."

"Last night before I went to sleep, I imagined us doing this. My mouth and hands all over your gorgeous breasts, your stomach, your inner thighs…" His lips traced a path down her body and Nancy gasped as he began licking her inner thighs, getting closer and closer to the place where they met.

"Then… baby, I imagined tasting your luscious little pussy. Just running my lips and tongue all over it, sucking on that pretty little clit until you were screaming and writhing." He pushed her panties down to her ankles in one quick motion and Nancy kicked them off. 

"Do it," she managed to get out, her voice husky with arousal. "Go down on me— _please._ God, it’s been so long. _"_ Thank God she’d gotten a bikini wax the other day, she thought to herself. 

When Ned suddenly plunged his tongue into her, Nancy nearly shrieked with pleasure. "Oh my God. Oh fuck _yeah,"_ she growled. 

"That’s right, baby—keep making those sexy little sounds while I eat out your hot, wet pussy," he told her, his voice muffled as he continued to lap at her sensitive inner flesh. "Tell me how much you like it." 

"Oh God, yeah…" Her hips bucked wildly and she blindly moved one hand to rub her nipples while the other one dug into his shoulder blade. 

Ned grabbed her thighs to open them even wider, draping her legs over his shoulders, forcing Nancy to move her hand to his hair, tugging as he licked her in even firmer strokes.  "Fuck, you taste even sweeter than I remembered."

When he not-so-gently bit down on her clit, she screamed his name, actually screamed. Her climax roared through her with such force that she was shaking. When it was over, Nancy slowly sank down onto her back, sucking in her breath in great gasps of air. 

"That was… God, that was so good," she groaned.  Nancy slowly opened her eyes to watch Ned sit back, his discomfort obvious. 

"God, you’re still fully clothed and I just had a monster of an orgasm," she panted sheepishly, raising herself on her elbows. "Sorry."

He grinned before reaching for his zipper. "It’s okay, Nan—getting that kind of reaction from you was hot as fuck."

Nancy sat up and pushed his hands away from his zipper. "Let me." She pulled her dress over her head, shrugging her bra off, and yanked down his zipper, dipping her hands into his fly to stroke his erection through his boxers. 

"Yeah," he urged her on hoarsely. 

She hopped off the couch and knelt in front of him, pushing down his pants and freeing his cock from his shorts. For one quick second, Nancy couldn’t help but think about how Carly had done this for him once, but she pushed that thought out of her head immediately—she had promised to forgive him, and she needed to make good on that pledge. 

When her lips closed around the tip of his cock, Ned let out a low groan. "Shit, Nan. Baby, that’s so good." His fingers threaded through her hair and the tips of his fingers gently pressed on her scalp.

She took more of him into her mouth and sucked firmly, enjoying the sounds of pleasure he was making. 

"You look so fucking sexy, baby, kneeling in front of me in just your high heels while you give me head," Ned growled. 

Nancy’s knees were killing her and the carpet was rough against her skin, but she didn’t stop sucking him. When her fingers started to massage his balls, his hips began to twitch and his head tilted back. "Fuck, that’s amazing," he panted. 

"You like this, baby?" She peered up at him through her lashes.

"Holy shit, _yes_ —don’t stop. It feels so good, baby, so _good_. God, I’ve missed this—the other night, I woke up hard because I was dreaming about you sucking me off, about your hot mouth around my dick." 

Nancy took him even deeper, trying not to let the tip of his cock brush against her soft palate so she wouldn’t gag. She kept alternating between stroking his balls and running her hand up and down over the base of his cock, her hair draping over his thighs. 

Ned continued to make noises of encouragement until she felt his balls twitch and his hips surged upwards. For a moment, Nancy debated making him finish in her hand; instead, she kept going and let him come in her mouth.  Hearing the loud cry of pleasure that he emitted at the moment of his climax was worth it, she decided as she slowly pulled back, wiping her mouth and chin with the back of her hand. 

"Shit," Ned groaned, sagging back against the couch cushions. "Baby, that was the _greatest_ blow job. Even better than my dreams."

"I’m glad," Nancy murmured, and she meant it. Bringing Ned to release made her feel sexy and powerful; she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt that way during one of their sexual encounters. 

She looked down at his now-soft cock, which was wet with her saliva and his cum. The temptation to touch him until he was hard again so she could ride him was incredibly powerful, but she reminded herself it would be a mistake. 

"Let me get you a towel or something," she told him, slowly getting to her feet. 

Nancy briefly debated getting dressed, but it seemed foolish. They’d just had oral sex and he was still her husband, for God’s sake.  Instead, she kicked off her shoes and padded naked into the powder room, where she took a look at herself in the small mirror over the sink. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair was mussed, and her mouth was gleaming; in other words, she looked like a woman who’d just had sex—and had thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Humming, Nancy knelt down to take two towels from the cabinet under the sink, one to clean herself up and one for Ned.  After she had wiped herself off, she took the other towel and walked back into the den, where she found a grinning Ned still sitting on the couch in the same position she’d left him in, his arms looped over the back. 

"That’s one great view, baby," he told her, reaching for the towel as he regarded her naked body. "Sexy as hell." 

"Stop," she replied, waving her hand dismissively, but there was no heat behind it.

He cleaned himself up before pulling his boxers and pants back up. "This was fun—we should do it again sometime."

Nancy had to laugh at that. "No matter how much other stuff we have to work on, we still seem to be able to figure out this part of our relationship."  

She reached for her underwear and clothes and Ned made a sound of disappointment as he watched her get dressed. "Baby, you were spectacular. I mean it."

 She suddenly felt weirdly shy around him. "You made me feel really good, too, Ned. I mean, _really_ good."

"I’m glad, Nan. Because that’s all I want—for you to feel safe and comfortable enough around me to just let go. For you to trust the way your body reacts to mine and enjoy yourself when we’re being physical."

Nancy was so incredibly tempted to ask him to come upstairs with her, to let him into what was once their bed and let him make love to her. She knew it would be amazing and they’d both have an incredible time, but she also knew it wasn’t smart. 

With a sigh of regret, Nancy checked her watch as an excuse to get him to leave; her self-control was getting weaker by the minute. "I hate to say this, but it’s kind of late and I have to meet Hannah for breakfast at eight tomorrow." 

Ned looked disappointed but he didn’t argue. "Then I’d better go so you can get your beauty sleep, Nan. Not that you need it."

She smiled at him as she followed him into the hallway, where he retrieved his coat from the closet. "Thank you again for dinner, Ned."

"Thank you for agreeing to go out with me, baby. I love spending time with you."

When he got to the front door, he turned back before opening it. "I love you."

Nancy almost sighed when his lips met hers. "I love you too, Ned," she murmured against his mouth. They kept kissing over and over and she could feel him hardening again as her body was pressed to his. 

Finally, Ned pulled away. "I think I’d better go now," he told her, his reluctance clear.

"I think you’d better," she nodded in agreement. 

"If you aren’t doing anything tomorrow or Sunday, can we get together again?"

She smiled. "I’m seeing Bess and George tomorrow, but maybe Sunday?"

After they made plans to see a movie on Sunday afternoon, Ned gave her one more goodnight kiss before leaving. When the door closed behind him, Nancy sagged back against it, exhaling loudly. She had no idea how much longer she’d be able to restrain herself from pulling him into bed—and whether she really wanted to anymore.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

Nancy had just gotten home from the supermarket when her cell phone rang, signaling a call from George.  She answered quickly, lowering the paper bag in her arms gently onto the kitchen table.

"Hey, Nan! Is this a good time?"

"It’s perfect - but if you hear rustling, it’s just me, putting away my groceries."

George laughed. "No problem."

They caught up for a few minutes, as Nancy stored her produce and eggs and milk in the refrigerator and the cans of tuna and boxes of pasta in the pantry while she talked to her friend. 

Finally, George cleared her throat. "Well, the reason I’m calling is that I have news."

Her task completed, Nancy went back to the refrigerator to pour herself a glass of wine and plopped into one of her kitchen chairs. "Good news, or bad news?" she asked cautiously.

"It’s _definitely_ good."

"You got the promotion!" Nancy squealed excitedly. A few weeks ago, George had applied for a new position at her company that would mean a higher salary and a bigger office. She’d been doubtful that she’d actually get it, but Nancy and Bess had encouraged her to apply.

"I did." Nancy could hear the pride in her friend’s voice. "They told me I was definitely the best candidate, by far."

"Oh, George, that’s wonderful!" Nancy exclaimed. "I knew you’d get it! Oh, we need to celebrate!"

"Actually, that’s the other reason I wanted to call you. I just got off the phone with Bess and she thought it would be fun if we went somewhere in the city on Saturday night—get all dressed up and really hit the town. We could even get a hotel room so that we don’t have to worry about coming home late when we’re all trashed."

"That sounds like it would be so much fun, but I can’t make it on Saturday. I have… plans." Nancy was suddenly afraid to tell George what her plans were.

"Damn," George sighed disappointedly. "That sucks. I guess we’ll have to reschedule, then.

"Wait," she said suddenly. "Are those plans with Ned, by any chance?"

_Busted,_ Nancy thought to herself. Not wanting to lie to her friend, she forced herself to come clean. "Yeah. I’m making dinner for him here."

George was silent for a moment. "Nan, I told you that I’d support you, no matter what you decided to do when it came to your marriage, but… don’t you think you’re moving kind of fast with this?"

Surprised, Nancy took a sip of wine before answering. "What do you mean?"

"Well, from what Bess has told me, you’re seeing him at least once a week outside of your therapy sessions, sometimes more. And talking to him and texting back and forth almost daily."

_I should’ve known that Bess would spill,_ Nancy sighed ruefully. Sweet, optimistic Bess had been so happy that Nancy and Ned were making a genuine attempt to reconcile that she hadn’t been able to hold back from sharing the news with her cousin. 

"The whole idea of therapy requires us to try and see if there’s anything left of our marriage that’s worth saving. And to do that, we need to try to reconnect." She tried very hard not to sound defensive as she explained herself. 

"I know, Nan, but I don’t want you to get swept up in the romance of it all," George told her quietly. "Right now, I’m sure he’s on his best behavior—charming, accommodating, solicitous, totally focused on you… it must feel very good to be on the receiving end of all of that, especially after what you went through over the last year."

Nancy remained silent.

"Look, I just want you to be happy. Really. But I also don’t want you to be hurt again. I know he’s still your husband and you’re making an honest effort to figure things out, but I’d hate for your emotions to cloud your judgment. You’re a rational, logical person, Nan, and I worry that you’re letting your heart overrule your head."

This was the reason that Sol had told them not to talk about their problems with their friends, Nancy realized. "I’m not, George. I promise. I’m just getting to know my husband again. And things are getting better between us—they _are_.  During our last few dates, Ned and I talked about some really difficult stuff, and I mean that we _talked_ about it, rather than screaming at each other or storming out."

"Good," George said; to Nancy, it sounded like she meant it. "Are you sleeping with him after these dates?"

"George, I don’t think—"

"You’re going to tell me that it’s none of my business, and you’re right. Sorry. But I remember what things used to be like between you two when it came to sex. Maybe I’m wrong—I hope I am—but I can’t help but think that Ned could be using that physical spark to try to draw you back in. That he’s attempting to remind you of what you used to have by getting you back into bed."

"You make him sound so devious, George.  I really don’t think he’s got an agenda," Nancy scoffed, taking another sip of her wine. 

Privately, though, she had to admit that George’s theory was causing her to have doubts. Was Ned trying to get her to sleep with him again just so he could get her to take him back? Now she wasn’t sure.

She spoke with her friend for a few minutes more before making an excuse to end the conversation. Her mind was racing and she didn’t know what to believe anymore.

Just as she was on her way to the den to watch TV, her cell phone buzzed. Glancing down at the screen, she noticed that she’d received a text from Ned. 

_Just wanted to say goodnight, sweetheart. I love you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow._

She sat down on the couch, one leg tucked under her, as she stared at the message on her screen for a full two minutes. Finally, she typed back a response. 

_Goodnight, Ned. See you tomorrow. Love you._

His next text made her smile, in spite of her best intentions. _Counting the hours._

\--

Ned looked at the right-hand corner of his computer screen and was glad to find that it was lunch hour. His stomach had started growling and he began debating where to pick up lunch; he had a feeling that the turkey sandwich he’d packed wouldn’t be enough to satisfy his appetite. 

Just as he had decided to grab something from the café across the street from his office, his cell phone rang.  He checked the display and was astonished to see that the call was from Mike. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, man. How are you?"

"Doing okay," Ned replied lightly. He and Mike hadn’t really spoken since the night of Josh’s party, when his former best friend had greeted him in a less-than-enthusiastic manner.  "How are things with you and Jan?"

"Good. Actually, that’s the reason I’m calling. She’s… we’re gonna have a baby."

"Wow! Congratulations, man!" Ned told his friend. He meant it, but it didn’t make the stab of pain he felt in his heart any less sharp.

"Thanks… Jan and I are very excited. We’ve been trying for a while now and I have to admit that we were a little nervous that we didn’t get pregnant immediately, but then it just happened. We haven’t really told anyone because we wanted to make sure that she got through the first trimester; the baby’s due in about six months."

Their children would have been around the same age, Ned realized dully. They would have grown up together as friends; Nancy and Jan probably would have set up little play dates.  "How’s Jan feeling?"

"Eh… She has morning sickness and she’s tired. A little moody, too. Just wait until Nan gets pregnant and you have to go through it."

"Well, give her a big hug for me, and tell her I’m happy for the both of you." Ned forced himself to keep his tone light, when all he really wanted to do was beg Mike to stop.

For a second, he debated telling his friend about the miscarriage, but he didn’t want to be a downer and spoil something so joyous. Honestly, he was surprised that Mike had even called him to share the news, especially since they weren’t at all close these days.

"Thanks, man. So, uh…" Mike’s voice trailed off. 

It was weird to have such an awkward conversation with the guy who had once been one of the people closest to him, Ned thought. Never before would they have had pauses in their conversation. He decided to break the silence.

"Did you want to maybe get some dinner sometime?"

"Yeah," Mike replied, sounding relieved. "That’s what I actually called you about—that, and to tell you our news, of course.  I wanted to see if you were interested in getting together."

"That sounds great," Ned replied, and he meant it. His relationship with Nancy wasn’t the only one he wanted to work on repairing; he genuinely missed his friend.

"Great. Did you want it to be just the two of us, or should we make it a double date?"

Ned momentarily panicked. Of course, Mike had no idea about the state of his and Nancy’s marriage, which meant that Mike sure as hell didn’t know that they were living apart and were in therapy. While things were definitely improving between him and his wife, Ned couldn’t imagine going out as a foursome yet. That would still be entirely too dangerous.

"Why don’t we just have a guys' night and maybe invite the wives another time?" he proposed, hoping that his tone sounded casual. 

"Sounds good to me. Tomorrow night?"

"Can’t," Ned replied regretfully. "Nan and I have… plans." This definitely wasn’t the time to mention that their plans consisted of attending a counseling session.

He and Mike agreed to get together early the following week, and Ned tried not to be nervous that his friend had picked an upscale steak restaurant that was also known for its well-stocked bar with a large selection of top-shelf scotches. In the past, he and his best friend would have ordered drink after drink before, during, and after their dinner. Ned was already trying to figure out a way to let Mike know that things would be very different this time around.

Once their plans had been set, the conversation stalled again. "Well, I hate to say this, but I’ve got to go," Ned told Mike. "But thanks for calling and telling me about the baby; it means a lot that you wanted me to know."

"Of course, man—we’ve told our parents and families but you’re the first friend I called."

"Wow," Ned replied, touched. "Well, congratulations again, O’Shea!"

"Thanks! By the way, we aren’t going to post anything on Facebook until Jan’s grandparents return from their trip to Ireland. We want to be able to tell them in person. So don’t tell anyone else yet, except for Nan, of course."

"Of course," Ned echoed. He knew he’d have to tell her before she saw it online, but he still felt nervous about mentioning it to Nancy because he had no idea what her reaction would be.

\--

"So, in the immortal words of Salt n' Pepa…Let’s talk about sex."

Both Nancy and Ned chuckled at how Sol had opened up their therapy session.

"All kidding aside... I want to have a conversation about your sexual history, individually and together. How far you’d gone before you got together, how and when the two of you decided to start having sex, whether you were both happy with the way your sexual relationship had progressed…"

Nancy shifted her position on the couch, feeling slightly uncomfortable talking about it.  She knew that Sol wouldn’t have introduced the topic if he hadn’t thought it was important, so she forced herself to speak. 

"We learned about sex from each other, by experimenting and teaching each other what we liked and what we didn’t. Actually, Ned was the teacher; I was shy and woefully ignorant, considering how smart and worldly I was about everything else. Before him, the furthest I’d ever gone with a guy was kissing. And no matter how much I flirted with those other guys after I became involved with Ned, I didn’t do anything more than kiss them."

Sensing Nancy’s discomfort, Ned jumped in to rescue her. "I had fooled around with a few other girls before Nancy, but nothing serious.  A little petting over clothes, a little making out, but I never got past second.

"Nan and I… well, it took a while for us.  We were almost three years into our relationship before anything happened beyond making out or hugging or holding hands. And even then, we went slowly. Really, _really_ slowly."

"How and when did it change?"

"When I was eighteen, we began going a little further—a little harmless petting, which then turned into taking some of our clothes off and using our hands on each other. Which led to us grinding against each other while we were partially naked… and then when we were fully naked."

Nancy paused, still more than a little embarrassed to be talking about this with their therapist. "Then we used our mouths, which turned into full-on oral sex, and we’d touch ourselves in front of each other… We were doing virtually everything short of intercourse before we were married, but everything progressed really gradually, over a few years. With every new thing we tried, I felt like we were getting closer and closer to that invisible line, that point of no return. I just didn’t want us to go all the way while we were only boyfriend and girlfriend."

"Ned, was it frustrating for you, the slow speed at which your sexual relationship progressed?"

Ned shrugged, carefully composing his facial expression so that he’d appear unfazed. "Nancy told me she wanted to wait, so we waited."

"How did you feel about that?" Sol asked. "Did it bother you?"

"Don’t get me wrong—it was amazing to be able to go further and further with her, to learn what she liked and how’d she respond if I touched her a certain way or kissed her in a certain place."

"I think that you liked that, Ned," Nancy told him. "I think you enjoyed being the one to show me what a physical relationship could be like. After all, people always talked about how smart I was and how much I knew about everything. This was the one area where I only knew the basics; you were the one who gave me my education."

"It’s true," Ned readily admitted without a moment’s pause. "Because it was incredible to watch you, feel you, hear you react to something that I’d done to you.

"But sweetheart, it was more than that. It always amazed me, how you’d be vulnerable and tender when we were in bed together and yet tough and strong every place else. I loved getting to see that side of you, the side that no one else in the world got to see; I loved being able to bring it out in you. Made me feel powerful, sexy, invincible. But…"

"But?" Sol prodded.

"I just wanted to be with her," Ned answered the therapist. "I wanted to know what it would be like to be inside of her, to be the first guy to make love to her. It was so fucking hard to pull back sometimes. Pun intended." He flashed a wry grin. 

"Did you ever think about breaking up with Nancy just so you could experience the act of intercourse with someone else?"

Ned paused, obviously torn between telling the truth and hurting her, Nancy noted. "I respected your boundaries—I did, Nan," he said, turning to face her on the couch. "But sometimes… sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have sex. More often than sometimes, actually.  And there were a lot of girls who would come on to me and make it more than obvious that they’d sleep with me if I wanted it. They’d do all kinds of things to tempt me and sometimes it was tough to turn it down."

"Like Jessica Thorne," Nancy interjected, still feeling a spark of jealousy even after so many years.

"Yeah," Ned sighed. "Her and… others. Sol, when I was in college, I belonged to a frat, and there were parties just about every weekend at either my house or at one of the other frats or sororities on campus. I was also played a few sports and was kind of good at them. I guess you could say I was pretty popular."

"He's being modest," Nancy told Sol. "Ned had tons of friends and just about everyone at his school knew him and liked him. And there were always, _always_ girls around who would try to catch his eye; they didn’t care if I was standing right there with him, either. They’d toss their hair and smile and flirt with him at those parties or at his games."

"And there were girls who did a lot more than that." Ned briefly thought of that girl Penny, the one who had sprawled naked on his bed at Omega Chi while she played with herself. "And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about getting with another girl, one who would give it up without hesitation.

"But then I would think about you, Nancy, and it was like all of the temptation went away. I would remember how much I loved you and how sad and betrayed you’d feel if you found out I’d slept with someone else. Then I thought about how incredible it was to kiss you and touch you and explore your body and have you explore mine—and how special it would be when we finally made love. And it was, sweetheart," he told Nancy almost fiercely.

"Did you resent the fact that Nancy kept putting you off? You just said how other girls made it clear that they’d have sex with you, but the girl you loved was telling you no. Did you accept the reason why she made you wait, or did you think other factors were involved?"

He sighed. "At first, Nan told me that she wanted to wait until we were engaged to have full-on sex. And then on the night I proposed, we went to a hotel and she took off all of her clothes and we got into bed and…"

"He stopped," Nancy interrupted in a low voice. "He started to enter me and it hurt, so he stopped, and we did… other things. Then I asked him if we could wait until our wedding night."

"Were you pissed about that, Ned?"

"Pissed… is the wrong word. Disappointed, yes, but not really angry. I wanted to be intimate with my fiancée after waiting for so long, and then…"

"Then I told him that I wasn’t ready yet—it hurt and I was scared."

"What were you scared of?" Sol asked, adjusting his blazer so that more of his faded Joy Division t-shirt peeked out from underneath it.

"The pain… like I said, I was a virgin, and even though he’d barely penetrated me, it had still been incredibly painful.  I was also scared about taking that final step with him without having a wedding ring on my finger."

She turned to Ned. "I was terrified that something would happen, that you’d get tired of my detective work and my crazy life and we’d break up, and I’d be so heartbroken if I had shared something that intimate with you when you weren’t going to be my only lover. I told you that on our wedding night, and I’d meant it."

He lightly touched her cheek. "Nan, I was so excited when you’d accepted my proposal; nothing on earth could have made me change my mind or break up with you."

"I just couldn’t risk it, so I protected myself from the possibility of getting hurt."

"Did you have any other fears about sleeping with Ned before you were married?"

She paused, considering her words. "Ned already talked about it during one of our previous sessions; I was worried about what my father would think if he found out. After all, he’d raised me to be a good girl, to remain pure until marriage. While Ned and I hadn’t taken that final step, I wasn’t exactly pure when I walked down the aisle."

Her lips twisted in a wry imitation of a smile. "No matter how much Ned and I loved each other, I still felt like what we were doing was wrong, and I couldn’t help but worry that Dad would be disappointed in me if he knew. 

"That’s why I was so nervous when my father happened to see some of my lingerie right before the wedding. I didn’t want to let him down, for him to think that he’d raised me better than to have a sexual relationship before I was married."

"By that point, you were a grown woman, Nan; it wouldn’t have been unnatural for you to want to explore your sexuality, babe. And it’s not like you were banging every guy in River Heights. We were in a long-term, committed relationship."

"I don’t disagree with you, Ned, but I was still worried about what my dad would think. I’m sorry, I know you don’t understand, but there it is. I didn’t like the idea of having my dad look at me with disappointment, of him not thinking of me as his good little girl. It’s wrong, I know, but there it is." She crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly.

"It’s not wrong," Sol told her. "After all, we’ve talked in other sessions about how you’ve always been close to your father. The idea of doing something that you knew would displease him, no matter how much pleasure it would have brought you, would’ve been upsetting to you."

"I never pushed her into it," Ned spoke up. "No matter how badly I wanted her, I never tried to force her or guilt her into having sex."

"That’s true," Nancy confirmed with a nod of her head. "You were always really good about that, really patient. I thought for sure that one day you really would try to give me an ultimatum—sleep with you, or you’d end things."

"Nan, I loved you too much for that. I was tempted to see what it would be like to have sex, sure, but I loved you. I would’ve felt like shit if I made you sleep with me and then you hated me afterwards because you hadn’t been ready."

Ned could vividly remember that terrible dilemma he’d always felt before they were married: wanting her so badly that he could taste it, but being afraid that he’d push her away forever if he tried to coerce her into something she wasn’t ready for.

"Nancy, do you think that you were trying to test Ned, in a way?" When she gave the therapist a puzzled look, he elaborated. "Could you have been testing his love and fidelity?"

"I…" She’d never really thought of it that way, but she supposed that Sol could be right. "I guess? Maybe?"

"Think about it. You’ve already talked about your jealousy whenever other women showed an interest in Ned. Maybe you were unwilling to take that final step because you wanted to see if he was really, genuinely serious about his commitment to you, and you wanted him to prove it."

"It’s possible," Nancy admitted.

"Nan, I always wanted it to be you," Ned told her quietly. "Those quick little sparks of physical attraction to other girls meant nothing; I knew that being with someone else would just make me feel miserable afterwards because they’d ruin my relationship with you. And I wanted to be your first, your only."

"It was just scary to be vulnerable like that—it was a completely foreign experience to me. I loved being that way with you, but it was scary, too."

Sol cleared his throat. "So the first time that you had sex was on your wedding night?"

Ned nodded. "And it was amazing, just like I’d known it would be."

"It was wonderful to be close to him," Nancy added shyly. "Even though it still hurt, it was incredible to be with my husband for the first time." She smiled at the memory. 

"I hated physically hurting her; I hated seeing that expression of pain on her face when I fully penetrated her." Even recalling it now, after all of these years, Ned’s stomach tightened.

"And he was so gentle and sweet with me that night. It just didn’t make sense to wait anymore. After all, we were married and I had been looking forward to having him make love to me."

"Since it was painful for you, Nancy, I’m assuming that you weren’t satisfied that first time?"

"Not through intercourse, no. Ned used other ways to bring me to… to release. I didn’t actually climax during sex until a few days into our honeymoon."

"I was so relieved when she did," Ned chimed in. "I was nervous that she’d always be sore and uncomfortable from having me inside of her."

"Once you started to find sex pleasurable, was it a regular part of your relationship?"

Both Nancy and Ned nodded vigorously. 

"Definitely, Sol," Ned replied. "We had it at least three times a week, sometimes more."

Nancy chimed in. "I think we expected things to cool off in that regard the longer we were married; after all, that’s what we’d been told to expect by our married friends. But it really didn’t."

"I remember the both of you talking about how good it could be. Was that true all the time? Before everything went really wrong, was your sex life dull, satisfying, what?"

Ned spoke up. "Dull is the absolute last word I’d use, Sol.  Before our problems, the sex was _incredible—_ raunchy and hot and just downright dirty…"

He shook his head, obviously remembering fondly. "We used toys, tied each other up, she wore all kinds of sexy lingerie… We talked dirty, tried all different positions, used a sex swing, had sex in a parking lot, nearly got arrested for fucking in an alley in Paris…

"Like I said, it was fucking incredible. Virtually nothing was off-limits, and I mean _nothing_.  Things were so hot that we had to come up with a safe word." Ned couldn’t quite keep the bragging note in his voice at bay.

"Nancy, do you agree with what Ned’s said?"

She nodded without hesitation. "When things were good in our relationship, the sex was always amazing between Ned and me. That was one thing we always tried to make work in our relationship, and we were great at it _because_ we worked so hard at it."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well," Nancy flushed slightly, remembering, "For his birthday a few years ago, I acted out one of his fantasies—a whole schoolgirl outfit thing.  We both enjoyed it so much that we each made a list of other scenarios we’d always wanted to try out but were afraid to ask for."

"And how did that go?" Sol prompted.

"For the most part, it was a lot of fun," Ned interjected. "We used toys, had sex in the bathroom of a club and on my boss’s desk, watched porn together—which turned into us making a sex tape of our own…"

Nancy must not have done a very good job of hiding her distaste over the last two items, because Sol turned to her with a quizzical gaze.

"How did you feel about the items on the list, Nancy?"

 "Like Ned said, most of them were fun—and we both had veto power at the onset, so we could turn down anything that was a dealbreaker."

"Yet I sense that you weren’t happy about having to fulfill some of those fantasies."

_I should have known better than to try and be evasive with Sol_ , Nancy chided herself. "I didn’t love all of them, but I was willing to try them because he was my husband and my lover and I wanted to make him happy."

"Nan, I never, ever forced you to do something sexually that you didn’t want to," Ned protested. "And we had that safe word, just in case things got too intense for either of us."

"I’m not saying that you did force me, Ned. It’s just that, given the choice, I wouldn’t have done some of those things if you hadn’t wanted them. But I thought I’d at least try them because they were obviously important to you."

"Ned, were there things on Nancy’s list that you didn’t enjoy?" Sol asked him. 

"Yeah," he admitted after a long pause, shrugging slightly. "But like she said, I went along with them because she was my wife and my sexual partner and I wanted to try stuff that she wanted to try. Even if I wasn’t necessarily into some of it."

"Such as?"

Ned took a deep breath and Nancy suddenly realized what he was going to bring up. "Well, one night, not long after we started going down the list, she put on some ridiculously hot lingerie and tied me up in bed. Which I was okay with," he added quickly. "That was fine; it was hot as hell to have my very sexy wife dominate me in bed. We’d done it before, and I’d always liked it. But then…"

"Then?" Sol prompted him to continue.

Her husband looked slightly uncomfortable, so Nancy jumped in. "I put a kind of numbing ointment on his… his cock," it mortified her to use that word in front of their therapist, but she plowed on, "and then I put a few condoms on him so I could enjoy myself for as long as I wanted without having to pray for him not to… come."

"And that bothered you, Ned?"

"Kind of? I mean, don’t get me wrong—pleasing my wife, sexually, will always be very hot. And to think of her just wanting to get off on my body, wanting to treat it as her own personal sex toy, is also a huge turn-on.

"It’s just that fucking my wife without being able to feel it… bothered me more than I thought I would. The only thing I _did_ feel was weird and vulnerable."

"Nancy, why did you put that particular item on your list?"

She thought for a moment before replying. "Because I genuinely found the thought of being able to have sex with him for as long as I liked to be… hot. And also because I think I wanted him to know what it was like.

"He was usually the one to tie me up, to tease me until I was begging for my release. I think I was aroused by the idea of turning the tables, of being the one in control in bed. Ever since Ned and I started having sex, I always kind of felt like it gave him power over me. I would _crave_ him, like he was a drug. Stop smiling, Ned."

Ned wiped the hint of a grin off of his face. "Sorry, but even now, it’s kind of nice to hear that, Nan. Especially since I’ve always felt like I’ve been at your mercy since the day we met."

"I also kind of think I was so willing to try the stuff on Ned’s list because I wanted to make sure I was fulfilling all of his needs. I liked being with my husband and we had a lot of fun in bed, or out of it. But I was very much aware that I was the only woman he’d been with, and I always worried a little bit about not being enough for him. And I guess I was right."

The sad smile on her face broke Ned’s heart all over again. "No. Nan, no."

"So you’re saying that once you actually had sex, you’d never been curious about being with another woman, Ned? That your relationship with Carly had nothing to do with the idea of having a sexual experience with someone other than your wife?"

The questions from their therapist made Ned pause.  _God, it would be so easy to lie to Nancy right now_ , he thought. _To just tell her that I’ve never thought about being with someone else so I won’t have to hurt her again._

"Ned, just go ahead and tell me," his wife informed him wearily. "We’ve already confessed so much shit to each other; why stop now?"

"Fine," he stated quietly. "When I was… involved with Carly, I did wonder sometimes about what it would be like to..."

"I knew it," Nancy muttered nearly inaudibly.

"I’m sorry, Nan.  But I was high and drunk and things were so bad between you and me… And of course Carly knew that, and took advantage of it. She’d drop all kinds of hints and make all kinds of outrageous statements about what she was like in bed…

"The night I went with her to the W, we were drinking in the bar and I was telling her all about our fight, and she was making all kinds of sympathetic noises. Then, somehow, it came out that you were the only woman I’d slept with."

"Gee, what a coincidence," Nancy commented tartly.

"I know now that Carly led me down that path in the conversation, but at the time, I just let her do it. Then she was surprised, telling me how sexy and amazing I was, and she asked if I’d ever wondered what it would feel like to be inside of another woman, if I’d fantasized about another woman raking her nails down my back while I was fucking her.  And I had. I’d had those thoughts about her." When Nancy looked down at her hands, he chuckled bitterly. "God, I feel like such an asshole right now."

"Before Carly, had you ever had those types of thoughts?"

"Yeah. I wish I could say I hadn’t, Sol, but I did. But it wasn’t about anyone specific, it was just the _idea_ of it. My friends, the guys I’d worked with, they always talked about the girls they’d hooked up with and the crazy adventures they’d had by getting different women into their beds every night.

"They’d kid me about being with the same woman every night. I mean, they all thought Nan was hot, and they would tell me that I was lucky to have landed a woman like her—and I am—but they just didn’t get it. I’d tell them that we had a very hot sex life, but still they looked at me with pity. And sometimes I felt jealous."

He heard a sniffle come from Nancy, and he reached over to stroke the back of her hand, which was resting in her lap. "I’m sorry, Nan. It doesn’t mean I love you any less or that I wasn’t satisfied with you, I swear that. But back when the whole Carly thing happened, our sex life wasn’t anything like it had been in the past. And I missed it."

"Ned, I agree that curiosity about what you potentially missed out on is a very normal thing. However, acting on it while you were still married…  that’s where you crossed the line."

Sol’s tone was firm, and Ned didn’t have to look into the therapist’s eyes to know that he’d find a no-nonsense expression in them. "I know," he replied quietly, keeping his gaze trained on a speck of lint on the carpet. 

"What about you, Nancy? Had you ever thought about going to bed with another man? Could the fact that you’d only been with your husband have led to your infidelity, too?"

"Everyone daydreams from time to time, sure – like watching a movie starring Johnny Depp and having idle, ridiculous fantasies afterwards. But I never really seriously considered it. Even on the night I went to Ben, I only did itas a means of getting back at my husband. All I wanted to do was obliterate the pain and the anger, to make Ned feel the way I had when I’d caught him in that hotel room with _that woman._ It wasn’t about desire or passion, unless you count my passionate desire to hurt my husband."

She chuckled and it was a bitter sound. "I don’t get how some people could just screw anyone they found attractive, no emotions involved. For me, sex and love are intertwined; the only man I’ve ever had any kind of a sexual relationship with is my husband.  Having one without the other is a foreign concept to me.

"No matter how close I got to crossing that line with Ben, I just could not do it, because making love is sacred to me, and the idea of sharing that type of intimacy with someone who was a stranger, for all intents and purposes, made me sick. When I’ve thought about ending my relationship with Ned for good, I’ve also realized that it would mean I’d one day likely go to bed with another man—and I can’t imagine ever feeling that close to someone else, or having that level of trust with someone else, for that matter."

Ned audibly swallowed. The thought of his Nancy, his wife, in bed with someone else, caused his stomach to clench. He couldn’t ever let that happen, he told himself fiercely.

"You would be starting from scratch," Sol agreed neutrally. "But let’s talk a little bit more about your past, rather than making projections about your future, shall we? What about when your relationship really started to deteriorate? Were you having sex as often? Was it as satisfying?"

"No and no," Nancy sighed. "Because there were times that we couldn’t even stand the sight of each other. We were fighting so much and he was working all the damn time…"

"And when you did have sex?"

"It was… it was nothing like it used to be," she admitted in a low voice. "Ned’s right. Our bodies were connected, but our minds and our emotions definitely weren’t.  Before California, I’d come just about every time we had sex, but when we were out there, I found myself having to fake it on a regular basis."

"And I fucking hated that," Ned replied. "I knew that I wasn’t getting her there, and I hated her and I hated myself for it."

"I’d often have to coerce him to even have sex at all, and I only did because I wanted to get pregnant so we could leave California. But it’s hard to get in the mood when your husband’s ignoring you and he’s drunk nearly all the time. I honestly felt like part of the reason he worked so late was so he didn’t have to come home and face me or turn me down for sex."

"Were you avoiding having sex with your wife, then?"

Ned looked up at Sol and nodded. "Yeah, sometimes." Nancy snorted, and he forced himself to answer truthfully. "Okay, most of the time. I mean, it wasn’t any fun anymore; it seemed like the only reason she ever wanted to do it was to get pregnant. And when we did do it, it wasn’t like it used to be."

"I felt like you were rejecting me when you didn’t want to have sex," Nancy said quietly. "It hurt me. And I had a feeling that you were comparing me to _her_ , and when you did, you didn’t desire me anymore. Do you know what that feels like? To go from feeling like you’re someone’s everything to feeling like you’re nothing?" Her voice broke and she turned her head away from her husband so he couldn’t see the first hot tears spilling down her cheeks.

"Baby, no," Ned told her softly. He slid over on the couch and put two fingers under her chin, gently tilting her face towards his. "No. I have always found you sexy and beautiful and desirable. Never doubt that, Nan."

He cradled her face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away her tears. "I was avoiding you because I felt guilty, guilty about the drinking and drugs, guilty about Carly, guilty that I couldn’t seem to satisfy you anymore. You said that I was like a stranger, but I felt the same way about you, Nan. I think that think my curiosity was normal, but I never should have acted on it. I was mad at you and I acted out, like a big baby."

"You were acting like a big baby." She sniffled again and Ned laughed.

"I know you’ve spoken in previous sessions about how the two of you would use sex as a Band-Aid to mask the problems you had, even in the good times."

Ned and Nancy both turned to face Sol. "Definitely," Nancy agreed readily. "Instead of talking, we’d just take off our clothes and go for it. Anything to avoid a fight, because we all know that Ned and I fought ugly."

"It’s true. There were plenty of times we’d have sex to sidestep a potential confrontation or to end an argument, rather than trying to talk things out."

"Were there other issues related to your sexual relationship?"

"I always wondered if…" Ned stopped, suddenly nervous about voicing his thoughts.

"Yes?" Sol prompted him. "Ned, if you want to say something, say it. It’s important for you to be honest with each other. Don’t hold back."

Ned exhaled loudly. "Nan, I don’t want to piss you off, but… I’ve always wondered if the real reason you didn’t want to fuck before we were married was because it allowed you to have the upper hand in our relationship. I mean, you kinda always did, but it was one more way for you to display your power over me."

Nancy narrowed her eyes at him. "What?"

"I see that I’ve managed to piss you off anyway." He sighed. "Sorry, but it’s true. I felt that you were denying me sex because it allowed you to remain in control. We’d get close, you’d tease me and tempt me, and then you’d pull back—leaving me frustrated and coming back for more."

"It wasn’t like that at all," she told him tersely. "I wasn’t holding onto my virginity just so I could lead you around by your permanent hard-on, Nickerson. You make me sound so fucking calculating."

"I never said that," he replied, trying to keep his temper in check. "Nan, I just think it was the state of our relationship; you were the one who always called the shots, and this was one more example. Even now…"

"Even now, what, Ned? Go ahead and finish." God, it was taking all of Nancy’s self-control not to start yelling at her husband. 

"Whenever we go out on dates, we have a great time, we’re getting closer to each other, and yet… you limit our sexual relationship to a little fooling around. Not that the fooling around isn’t good, because it is, sweetheart.

"But then we get to the point when it would be natural and normal for us to make love, and you shut things down and ask me to leave. And I do it because I still don’t want to rush you or pressure you. But it feels wrong to stop."

"Sol was the one who told us not to rush into having sex again," she reminded him hotly. "I’m trying to be the voice of logic and reason, not just act on my physical impulses, Ned!"

"Let me just jump in here." Sol regarded them calmly. "Nancy, you’re right; I said that sex can complicate things, and that you needed to take things slowly before you decided to sleep together again. Having sex just because of your biological urges won’t help your relationship.

"That said… Ned, you’re right, too. Holding back just for the sake of holding back, or doing it just to maintain power, isn’t wise, either. If you decide to make love again, you should do so because you want to express your love and desire for each other, and to build intimacy."

"It still comes back to the fact that I’m scared, Sol. I don’t want Ned to take advantage of my weakness when it comes to my body’s reaction to his whenever he’s near. And part of me is afraid that he’ll use sex as a way to get me to come back to him for good—that I’ll figure, _Oh, well, now that we’re fucking again, we might as well just get back together."_

"Now who’s accusing who of being calculating?" Ned challenged. 

"So it’s not true?" she retorted. "You aren’t just trying to get me into bed so you can move back in permanently?"

"No!" he replied, but even Ned could hear the slight wavering note in his voice. "No," he repeated more forcefully. "I mean, yeah, in the past we used sex to try to fix things in our relationship.  And okay, I know that if we do start making love again, it’ll bring us closer together." Nancy rolled her eyes. 

"But it’s not the only reason I want us to do it, Nan. I want to have sex with you because I miss it. Not just the sex part," he added hastily when she rolled her eyes. "But the way we used to be so attuned to each other. We gave each other pleasure and made each other feel good and it was a true expression of our love. You’re still my wife and I want us to share our bodies with each other again."

"So, I seem to keep hearing the same themes over and over tonight: power and control and avoidance.  It doesn’t necessarily surprise me, especially since we’ve touched on those topics during other sessions, as well.  But I have to know: were these the only reasons the two of you liked to have sex?"

"No," they chorused in one voice, looking at each other and smiling.

"Not at all, Sol," Ned added. "I’ve always found Nan unbelievably sexy, and one hell of a great fuck." The slightly shy glance she gave him made him want to kiss her. "It’s true, Nan. You’re amazing in bed and you always have been. Even when we started fooling around and you were shy and scared, you were never one to just lie there, and I got off on your enthusiasm and your willingness to try new things.

"But it was more than that, Sol. When she and I were together like that, it was like…. God, it was like we were the only two people in the world, and we were lost in each other.  Making love with my wife was the most amazing thing. No matter if we were being raunchy as hell and fucking like animals or if we were sweet and tender with each other, it was always like making love. Every single time. Because I was doing it with Nancy."

"It was like that for me, too," Nancy confessed. "Having my husband inside of me, kissing him and touching him and giving my body to him was the most incredible experience, each and every time. No matter what kinds of crazy things we were doing to each other, it was still this beautiful, passionate, loving expression of what we meant to each other. And it felt even more special because he was the only man I’d ever shared that experience with."

Sol grinned. "And that’s what it should be about. Not a way to keep score or gain the upper hand or sidestep your problems, but as another means of showing your partner that you love them and want to be close to them in all ways possible, both emotionally and physically.  That you value them as your lover and your spouse.

"If you do decide that you still want to stay together, you will need to eventually re-introduce sex into your relationship as a normal, healthy way to rebuild intimacy, because it’s a very important part of marriage."

"I know," Nancy agreed. "And I would want to have that again with my husband."

"I must admit I’m _very_ glad to hear that," Ned told her teasingly.

She laughed, but didn’t take offense. "I’m sure you are."

"One last question before I let the both of you go tonight… Do you ever regret only being with one person—marrying the only person you’ve ever slept with?"

"Never," Ned replied fiercely. "How could I ever regret something that’s been such an amazing part of my life? How could I possibly ever feel sorry about being with the woman I have loved for nearly half of my life?"

Nancy was surprised to feel herself tearing up again. "No matter what happens with Ned and me in the future, I will never be sorry about having only shared myself with my husband. In fact, I’m proud of it, and I always will be."

Ned linked his fingers with hers and brought their joined hands up to his lips to brush a kiss across her knuckles.

\--

Nancy checked the oven for what seemed like the hundredth time, relieved to see that the skin of the chicken she was roasting was starting to turn golden brown.  Next, she lifted the lid of the pot to check the potatoes, and then gave the colander in the sink a shake to get rid of some of the droplets of water clinging to the green beans inside. 

Satisfied that her dinner preparations were coming along on schedule, Nancy went into the dining room and surveyed the table she’d set a little while earlier. Everything looked perfect, but she couldn’t help but be nervous about tonight. The last time she’d made a nice elaborate dinner for Ned had been the night of their huge fight, and she was praying that tonight wouldn’t be a repeat performance of that. Even as Nancy had gone to the breakfront to take out glasses and silverware, she’d deliberately avoided the boxes that held what remained of the china that she and Ned had received as wedding gifts, not wanting to jinx their dinner. Instead, she’d used the everyday kitchen plates.

Nancy glanced at her watch and noted that Ned would be arriving in about ten minutes, which would give her enough time to do a final check of her appearance.  Slipping off her apron before hurrying upstairs, she went into the bathroom and fluffed up her hair, which she’d painstakingly fussed with earlier so that it fell in soft waves around her shoulders.

After adding one more coat of mascara and applying a soft rose-colored lipstick, she turned from side to side to check her outfit in the bathroom mirror. A dress had seemed too fancy for a quiet evening in; instead, she’d selected a pair of dark-wash skinny jeans, a pretty ruffled turquoise v-neck sweater, and a pair of black flats adorned with bows on the toes. The sweater brought out her eyes and the color in her cheeks, giving her a healthy glow. Nancy had also been proud to discover that she’d been able to fit into her old jeans without having them fall down her hips or balloon out from her thighs; they now clung to her figure nicely.

She went back into the bedroom to spray herself with Ned’s favorite perfume and glanced over at the bed. For a second, she briefly deliberated changing the sheets, just in case, but told herself not to be foolish. It didn’t stop her, though, from opening the top drawer of her nightstand to survey the condoms and lube she’d placed there last night.

The ringing of the doorbell made her nerves jangle in her belly as she rushed down the steps. Nancy tried to remind herself that she’d made dinner for Ned a thousand times before and that nothing would happen _after_ dinner if she didn’t want it to.

When she opened the door, she found Ned on the front step, a fine mist of sleet and snow coating his dark hair. He held a paper bag and a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

"Hello, gorgeous," he greeted her with a kiss. "It’s good to see you."

"Come on in," she urged. "It’s freezing out there!"

Ned stepped into the hallway, removing his damp coat, which Nancy hung on the coat rack. "Weather’s terrible out there—sleet, snow, ice," he commented. "They’re warning about everything freezing over tonight."

"I thought this kind of thing was supposed to stop by now, considering that it’s almost April," she noted wryly. "But I’m just glad that you were able to make it here safely."

"Same here. Oh, these are for you." He handed over the flowers and the bag.

"I told you that you didn’t need to bring anything, Ned."

 He waved his hand dismissively. "I wanted to."

"Well, thank you. It was very thoughtful."

Ned followed her into the kitchen and watched as she pulled out a vase and filled it with water before adding the flowers. Her task complete, Nancy dug into the bag he’d brought, pulling out a large, contoured glass bottle and a quart of the vanilla bean gelato she loved.

"Is this the blood orange soda we had on our honeymoon?"

Ned grinned. "It is. I found it in a specialty grocery store and thought it would be nice to have with dinner."

"And the gelato—one of my favorites! Thank you so much," she replied, suddenly feeling shy.

Ned beamed. "I figured we could have it for dessert, unless you want to put me on pastry chef duty again tonight."

She put the quart into the freezer. "Well, that was very sweet of you, but I've already made dessert."

Last night, she’d wanted to work off some of the nervous energy that she had felt in anticipation of their date, so she’d gone to the bakery and picked up a loaf of day-old bread, then proceeded to make a cherry-chocolate bread pudding that she could heat up and serve with freshly whipped cream. Instead, they could pair it with the gelato.

"You did? Does it contain chocolate?"

She had to laugh at the hopeful expression that he wore. "Do you think I’ve forgotten how you feel about chocolate, Ned?"

"Just as long as you don’t forget how I feel about _you_ , Nan."

Nancy smiled at that before remembering. "Ooh, I think I need to check the food!" She tied on the apron again and hurried over to the oven.

Ned sniffed the air appreciatively. "Something smells incredible, baby."

"Thanks," she replied, flushing lightly. "It’s nothing fancy—just a roast chicken with green beans almandine and redskin potatoes, which I’m about to smash with cream and butter. Oh, and I also made a lemon vinaigrette to go with the salad stuff I got."

Ned chuckled. "Roast chicken, huh? If I remember correctly, you made that for me while we were on our honeymoon. I guess I wasn’t the only one who was thinking about Italy."

Nancy shrugged, although she was pleased that they were on the same wavelength, the way they used to be. "The chicken should be ready in about fifteen minutes. Did you want to watch TV while I put together the salad?"

"Nan, stop treating me like a guest. I can make the salad while you set the table."

She hesitated. "Are you sure?  I wasn’t intending to put you to work."

He walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a head of red leaf lettuce, a cucumber, some radishes, and a few carrots, placing them on the table before he retrieved the cutting board and a knife. After the vegetables were washed, he sat at the table and started to work.

As Ned chopped and diced, Nancy heated the cream and melted the butter for the potatoes.  It reminded her so much of the way things used to be—the two of them putting together dinner, totally relaxed and comfortable around each other in their own house.  It felt so natural, so right, for him to be here like this.

She looked over at her husband, only to find him gazing at her. "What?"

"Nothing," he replied, a half-smile on his lips. "Just enjoying being with you."

"Oh," Nancy replied, feeling slightly flustered as she turned back to focus her attention on the stove.

A few minutes passed in companionable silence as Nancy mashed the potatoes and Ned finished the salad preparations. She heard him push his chair back from the table, the legs scraping against the floor.  "Babe, do we have any…"

Nancy looked up, her eyebrows slightly raised. "Sorry, Nan," he said sheepishly. "What I meant to say is, do _you_ have any croutons?"

"Yeah," she replied nonchalantly. While she was glad that he felt at ease, she still wasn’t ready for him to start thinking of this place as his again. "Check the pantry."

He got up to do just that, but when he came back with the box in his hands, he still had an apologetic look in his eyes. "I’m sorry, Nan—I really didn’t mean to assume…"

She sighed. "It’s okay, Ned. I know you didn’t. It was a reflex. Come on, help me get the chicken out of the oven."

\--

Ned gazed at Nancy from across the dinner table. The color of her pretty sweater made her creamy skin glow as if she were lit from within, and her eyes were lively as she laughed at something he’d just said. It reminded him so much of the old times, when they were comfortable and happy with each other.

He had to admit that he’d been nervous about coming over tonight. After all, the last time she’d made an elaborate dinner for him had been the night of their screaming match, the night he’d gone to the hotel with Carly. He’d felt a brief flicker of anxiety when he’d seen the dining room table set with candles and their good silverware, but that flicker had turned to a wave of relief when he saw that she was using the plates from the kitchen. At least he hadn’t had to stare at plates that had reminded him of the ones she’d thrown at him that awful night.

That wasn’t the only reason that Ned had been apprehensive about their date. He had to somehow break the news of Jan and Mike's pregnancy to her before she saw it on Facebook or Jan reached out to her. Ned knew that Nancy would be genuinely happy for their friends, but it wouldn’t make her hurt any less.

Their conversation during dinner had been light and easy, which had surprised Ned a little, given the tone of Thursday’s therapy session.

Ned took a last forkful of potatoes and leaned back in his chair with a satisfied sigh. "Incredible," he pronounced. "Nan, I know I told you this already, but dinner was incredible. Thank you so much for cooking for me."

Her slightly shy expression made Ned feel a surge of affection for his wife. "I’m glad you liked it, Ned." She rose to begin clearing the dishes.

"Sweetheart, can you…" He motioned for her to sit back down. "I can do the dishes, since you made dinner. But right now, I want to talk to you about something."

Nancy looked slightly puzzled but obeyed his request, sitting in her chair again. "That sounds serious."

"It is," Ned agreed. "But I want to tell you something so that you hear it from me and aren’t blindsided."

"You’re scaring me," she told him frankly. "Ned, what is it? Is something wrong?"

"No! No, baby, that’s not it. It’s just…" He leaned across the table and took her hand in his. "Mike called me the other day."

"Did you argue or have a falling out?" Her curiosity was written all over her face. 

"No; in fact, it was the opposite. He called to ask me if we could hang out."

"Well, that’s good!" Nancy’s enthusiasm seemed genuine. "I’m glad that you two are patching things up. I know you’ve missed him."

"I have. But that’s not all he called about. He wanted to give me some news."

Nancy started to look a little wary, likely guessing what was about to come out of his mouth next. "Good news or bad?"

"For them, very good." Damn, there was no good way to say this, Ned thought to himself. "Nan, honey, they’re… Jan’s pregnant and they’re going to have a baby." The words rushed out and he cursed himself for his lack of finesse.

"Oh," she replied blankly, slowly tilting back against the chair. "Oh."

Ned squeezed her hand. "Yeah. She’s about three months along, which is why they’re telling people."

"Oh," she repeated.

"So I congratulated them and thanked him for telling me—it was nice, especially considering they’ve only told a few family members so far."

"It was very nice. That must really mean he wants you in his life again, Ned." She let go of his hand and took a sip of her soda.

"Sweetheart, I know this’ll be hard for you; after all, I’m sure they’ll post pictures on Facebook and you’ll be invited to the shower, and we’ll have to go see the baby once it’s born…"

"No, I’m sure I’ll be fine," she replied too brightly. 

"Nan, you don’t have to pretend."

"I’m not. I’m not," Nancy repeated, as if she were trying to convince herself.

"Because it’s okay for you to be upset."

"I know it is," she snapped, then took a deep breath, shaking her head. "Ned, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you."

"I know you didn’t, baby. It’s okay. Really."

She was silent for a minute before she resumed speaking. "Did you tell him about…" Nancy let the sentence go unfinished.

He shook his head. "No. It seemed too mean to put a damper on his happiness. Mike was so excited."

She smiled but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. "That was sweet of you. Hey, let me just rinse these dishes before—"

"Nan, no. Baby, come here. Come here," he repeated.

Nancy slowly got up from her chair and walked over to him, perching on his lap. She bent her head to rest on his shoulder, and Ned began rubbing her back.

"I hated to have to tell you, but I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else."

"I’m glad you told me, Ned. Really. And I’m excited for them, I truly am, but I’m a little sad, too."

He kissed the crown of her head. "I know, sweetheart. I am, too. All I could think about when Mike was telling me was how our kids would have grown up together."

"I know." Ned heard her sniffle. "I thought the same thing. And every time we’ll see them with their baby, I’m always going to think about the child we lost. How that should have been us, too."

"Look at me, sweetheart." When she raised her head, he gave her a soft kiss. "We will always remember our child but it will get easier someday. Sol told us that, and I have to believe it.

"That’s not to say that there won’t be days we won’t wonder about what could have been or what should have been. Christmases, birthdays, family events—we’ll always think about our first baby. But it won’t hurt like this forever."

She nodded, sighing.

"Whenever you’re feeling sad about it, you can always call me or talk to me, Nan. No matter what happens between you and me in the future, we will always be bonded together by this loss. Even if we aren’t together, and it breaks my heart to think of it, but even if that’s the way things work out—you will always be able to find me and talk to me about it. And I will always be there to listen and try to help."

She kissed him, and it was slow and sweet, just the barest press of her lips to his. "Thank you."

"You don’t have to thank me. I love you, and I always will, Nancy. Now," he said, swiftly changing the topic so he could see the sadness leave her eyes, "why don’t I clear the table while you go on and sit down in the family room, huh?"

He kissed her again when she started to protest. "No, can’t talk me out of it, gorgeous. You worked so hard on this delicious dinner, so go on and take a break.  I’ll come in and join you when I’m done, and then I can light a fire in the fireplace and snuggle with you."

He managed to coax a smile out of her at that. "Okay."

Once he had cleaned up the kitchen, Ned found Nancy on the couch, her shoes off and her feet propped up on the ottoman. A movie was playing quietly on the TV. He couldn’t help but notice that she still seemed lost in thought and distracted, and it made him determined to cheer her up.

"Thanks again for handling the cleanup, Ned."

He bent to kiss her. "You’re welcome, sweetheart. Now, let me get that fire started."

Ned put together the firewood and kindling and lit a match, satisfied when he managed to create a hearty flame.  After surveying his handiwork, he dropped onto the couch and slid an arm around Nancy’s waist, glad when she automatically dropped her head onto his shoulder.

"You know, I seem to remember another night when you and I cuddled in front of the fire."

"Which one, Ned?" He could hear the laugh in Nancy’s voice. "There were many nights like that during our years together."

"True," he agreed cheerfully. "But the one I was thinking about was when you were working on that TV news case and your dad and Hannah were both out. We roasted marshmallows and chestnuts in front of the fire and then we made out."

"Oh, yeah. And you were all jealous at the possibility that I could be working with some hot news anchor." Nancy playfully poked him in the ribs.

"Hey, I knew what a sexy girlfriend I had; I had to stay vigilant at all times," Ned defended himself lightly.

She chuckled. "I thought you were going to bring up the time we went to that ski lodge and you’d hurt your leg after someone tampered with your ski."

"Oh, when I had a bum knee and you were dancing with other guys right in front of me?"

Her face reflected mock outrage when she pulled away to look at him. "Only because you’d told me to, Nickerson!"

"That’s not how I remember it."

"Uh huh. Meanwhile, you got lots of one-on-one time with me because I felt so sorry for you—we snuggled by the fire, made out…"

"And then when the case was done, you rewarded me by putting on a tiny little bikini and getting into that hot tub alone with me. God, I loved that trip, injury and all."

As they continued to reminisce, Ned watched the sadness leave her eyes, and he felt an incredible surge of relief. No matter what they’d been through together, it still broke his heart to see her hurting.

Finally, he patted his stomach. "Hey, that dinner was great, but I sure could go for a chocolate dessert right about now."

Nancy grinned at him. "Well, you’re in luck, sir—I just happen to have made a cherry-chocolate bread pudding last night. Let me go put it in the oven to heat. Be back soon." She kissed him firmly before getting up to go into the kitchen.

Ned was disappointed to watch his wife go, but he was glad that he could still spend a little more time with her before he had to leave for the night. He had a feeling that saying good night to her would be nearly impossible this time around. 

\--

Nancy came back holding two bowls and was amused to find that Ned had turned off the TV and had spread out a blanket on the floor next to the fire.

He grinned up at her. "I thought we could have a little picnic. It’s cold and snowy and sleeting outside and it’s warm and cozy in here."

"That’s a great idea," she smiled, bending down to hand him the bowls.

Once she’d sat down cross-legged, Ned eagerly dug into his dessert. "Holy shit, Nan. This is _delicious_ ," he declared, his mouth still slightly full of warm, gooey bread pudding.

Nancy beamed at him. "I’m so glad you like it.  I got the recipe from Hannah."

"Like it? I love it, sweetheart. Mmmm, _incredible_." He took another spoonful. 

"And your gelato goes with it perfectly!" she informed him after sampling from her own bowl.

She was amused when Ned not only finished his dessert but a quarter of hers, proclaiming it one of the best he’d ever had.

He lay down on the blanket contently, and Nancy slid over to place his head in her lap. Ned smiled up at her. "Everything really was amazing, sweetheart. Thank you again for dinner and dessert."

Nancy bent her head to kiss his lips. "You’re welcome. I’m just glad you liked it."

"I loved it, Nan. And since we’ve been reminiscing tonight, I hope you’ll forgive me when I tell you that I can’t seem to get a particular memory from our honeymoon out of my mind right now."

"What’s that?" she asked lazily, stroking his hair. 

"What happened after you made the chicken – the outfit you put on for me later that night. That insanely, _ridiculously_ hot black satin getup that left your boobs totally exposed. And if that weren’t hot enough, you put your stockings on without any panties." Ned made an appreciative noise.

Nancy grinned. "Oh, you remember that, do you?"

"Hell yeah. If I hadn’t already been sure that I’d just married the sexiest, most smoking hot woman on the planet, that would have pushed me over, babe." 

"Well, I hate to break it to you, Nickerson, but I don’t have that on underneath this." She pointed to her jeans and sweater.

"It’s okay. I’d be totally cool with it if you told me you were naked underneath that."

She giggled at the overly serious expression on his face.  "I hate to disappoint, Nickerson."

"Imagining what you’re wearing underneath your clothes could never be disappointing, Drew. It’s what I spent a good part of my teenage years doing." Ned winked at her.

"I _thought_ so!" she cried in mock triumph.

"Caught," he grinned, holding both palms up. "I was a teenage boy and you were the super-hot girl I was in love with. Did you really think that half of my brain power wasn’t devoted to sexual fantasies about you?"

"Only half?" she countered, one eyebrow slightly raised.

"Okay, three-quarters. But I was always a gentleman. Okay, almost always," he conceded when she raised her eyebrow again.

"You were. You were very good about it, Ned. Really. I appreciated it then, and I appreciate it now." Nancy bent down to kiss him again. "I know we talked a lot about sex during our session with Sol this week, and I think we did a good job of being honest with each other."

"I agree."

"And I want to continue that now. I…" She took a deep breath, starting again. "I really want us to make love tonight." When his expression immediately turned to a hopeful one, she held up a hand. "Wait. Let me finish, okay?"

When Ned nodded solemnly, she went on. "I want us to make love because I think it’s an important part of our reconciliation process. As Sol said, sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship, and technically, we’re still married, so it isn’t wrong.  But can you understand why I’ve been so hesitant, why I’ve been so afraid to take that step?"

"I understand, sweetheart, and I want you to talk to me. I don't ever want you to feel like you can’t share your feelings with me."

"Okay, then… I’m scared that I’ll lose my heart to you again and this won’t work out, after all. That I’ll give in and just let myself fall all the way and something’ll happen and we’ll get divorced." Even telling him scared her, Nancy realized. Laying all of her emotions out in front of him wasn't any easier, even after all of these years, and her voice wobbled a little at the end.

"Nothing is going to happen, sweetheart. If you still feel like you want to get a divorce, it will destroy me, but it will not be because I’ve done something to cause you further pain, Nan. I am totally and fully committed to being the kind of husband you need me to be. I cannot lose you again."

"I know you won’t mean to, but—"

He reached up and placed his fingertips over her lips. "Nancy, no. I am here for good. Every day, I am trying so damn hard to be the man I used to be, before California, but an even better version of him. And I’m starting to feel like him again.

"I haven’t once had an urge to drink or do coke in a while. That’s not to say that I won’t ever feel it again, but at least I’ll be able to deal with it, because now I know exactly how it feels to lose the most important thing in my life. Nothing on this earth, not even the best high possible, would be worth getting so close to losing you again."

"I hear you, and I believe that what you’re telling me is genuine, Ned—I really, truly do. But I’m still so scared. Please tell me that you aren’t trying to get me into bed just so you can seduce me into compliance. I know you said during our session with Sol on Thursday that it wasn’t the reason, but I still can’t help but be worried."

"No. Nancy, that’s not what this is about." Ned sat up and took her hand in his. "I want to make love with you again because I miss it. I miss that closeness, that tenderness. I miss that feeling of it just being the two of us against the world, of being one with you."

"I do, too," she admitted softly. "But I also need you to realize that if we do sleep together, it’s not going to be an instant fix for our problems, and it won’t mean the end of therapy. That deadline I established will still stand—and I’ll need to make my decision about our future without sex factoring into it."

"I wouldn’t expect anything different. Like Sol said, I want sex to enhance our relationship but I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I’ve never wanted to do that, honey."

They stared at each other for a full minute. "Then take me to bed."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, her throat suddenly dry. "Yes. Yes, I’m sure."

Ned gave her a slow smile that sent a jolt of arousal through her system. "I can’t wait that long, to get upstairs, gorgeous. Besides, we’ve always enjoyed making love in firelight."

When his lips found hers, Nancy sighed against his mouth. His tongue gently probed hers and her fingers tangled in the hem of his sweater.  

Ned gently pushed back so he could help her to remove his sweater; it landed on the carpet next to them. The broad planes of his chest were glowing from the flickering flames and for the thousandth time, Nancy marveled at just how beautiful he was.

His fingertips grazed the small of her back underneath her sweater, and she shivered when they trailed up and down her spine, lingering at the clasp of her bra before heading back down towards the waistband of her jeans. 

"Take it off me," she said softly.

Ned needed no further urging. He gently tugged the sweater over her head and motioned for her to lie down on the blanket. She did as he asked and looked up at him through her lashes. 

When his hands made their way to the button of her jeans, she obediently raised her hips so he could slide the pants down her legs, and soon they were in a heap next to her discarded sweater.

"You are so gorgeous, Nancy." His voice was a reverent whisper. "I have always found you beautiful, but by the light of the fire, you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. Look at you." The palm of his hand gently skimmed her ribcage.

"Thank you," she whispered in reply, suddenly feeling weirdly shy.

Ned shifted so that he was hovering over her on his hands and knees. His kiss was sweet and tender, his tongue delicious against hers. When he broke away, Nancy was actually panting with desire. Her insides were tingling, and her nipples were already tight under the sheer lace of her blush-colored bra.

Ned kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, and let his lips graze over her cheekbones before moving down to kiss her neck. His tongue gently traced her collarbone, the hollow at the base of her throat, and her breastbone, and the stubble on his chin tickled slightly against the sensitive tops of her breasts. When he nuzzled against her belly button, Nancy couldn’t help but giggle.

"You like that, gorgeous?"

"Yes," she replied. "But it tickles."

"I’m sorry."

She smiled up at him. "Don’t be."

Ned quickly surged upward to kiss her lips again before planting one gentle kiss just above the waistband of her lace tanga panties.  Nancy thought for sure he’d ease down her underwear but he surprised her, instead dotting kisses down her inner and outer thighs, knees, calves and ankles.

Just after he’d gently kissed the sole of her foot, he switched to her other leg and worked his way up to her underwear again. Nancy just lay there, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation of her husband’s hands and lips on her body.

Again, he kissed the skin just above her panties and ran his tongue up to the band of her bra. Nancy wordlessly arched her back; grinning, Ned took the hint and undid the clasp of the bra, both of them sliding it off her.

"Beautiful," Ned murmured before nuzzling her sensitive nipples with his cheek.

When he gently sucked one of them into his mouth, Nancy moaned quietly, the muscles at her core pulsing in anticipation. As he switched back and forth between her breasts, she used one hand to grip his shoulder and the other to toy with the dark hair at the nape of his neck.

Just when she could no longer stand the delicious torture, Ned moved back down her body to rain kisses down her torso. Nancy looked down at the top of his head and saw that her nipples were glistening from his saliva as the firelight played over them.

Ned’s hands moved down to her waist, slipping her underwear over her hips and down her thighs; Nancy helped to kick them off her ankles, leaving her completely nude on the blanket.

"You are so beautiful," Ned told her quietly as he looked up at her from his position above the join of her thighs. "You are the sexiest, most gorgeous woman in the world, and I’m so lucky to have you as my wife, Nancy. I love you, and I’m so glad that you’re letting me show you."

Nancy blinked, feeling her eyes film with unshed tears. "I love you." Her voice was barely a whisper.

He planted a kiss on her right inner thigh, then her left. "I love you so much."

Nancy trembled from his close proximity to the join of her thighs. "The last time you did this to me, it felt wonderful."

Ned’s tongue ever-so-slightly grazed her clit, sending waves of pleasure through her body. "I’m glad. You taste so sweet, Nan. My beautiful girl tastes so sweet and delicious."

As his tongue continued to move over her in increasingly firm strokes, Nancy moaned and whimpered her approval. "Feels so good," she gasped when he gently bit down on her clit. 

"I love you," he told her, his voice muffled by her flesh.

When he pushed two fingers inside her before sucking her clit, Nancy came, her back arching and her hips bucking frantically against his mouth. Exhausted, she slumped back down onto the blanket and watched as her husband wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"God, I will never get tired of watching you come," he told her, sitting back on his haunches. 

"That was amazing, Ned. Even better than last week—and _that_ was great."

Ned leaned over and put his weight on his hands, crawling over her so he could kiss her lips. The taste of her lingered on his tongue. "I love you so much, gorgeous, and I’m glad I could make you happy."

She kissed him back. "You definitely did."

He dropped onto his side next to her on the blanket and slipped an arm around her waist.  They lazily made out for several minutes, the only sound in the room the crackling of the fire and their sighs of pleasure.

When he reached for the button of his jeans, Nancy put a hand on his bare arm.

"We can’t do this down here," she told him breathlessly.

Ned pulled back in surprise. "Why? Have you changed your mind, sweetheart?"

"No, that’s not it.  It’s just that the condoms are upstairs."

"Are you not on the pill anymore?"

"I am, but I just want to be extra-careful. Ned, I’m not ready for another pregnancy right now, physically or emotionally."

He looked down at her for a moment without saying anything. "Then I’ll go get the condoms, Nan. Where are they?"

"We can go upstairs…"

"No, I want to do this here; I want to make love to my wife by the fire." 

He got up from the blanket and was about to walk into the hallway when he stopped and turned to face her. "Wait—I wonder if we still have some down here. We used to have a whole supply."

"Yeah, but we’d go through them as often as we’d re-stock," she giggled, reminding her husband. 

Ned laughed. "True. But let me check anyway." He rummaged through a side table and let out a loud cry of triumph when he emerged with a foil packet. "Expiration date is good, too. Perfect!"

"Then come back here and let’s use it," she invited him, patting the blanket next to her.

Ned hastily shed his jeans and his boxers before settling back down next to her on the blanket. They began kissing again, and Nancy enjoyed the firm, hot pressure of his erection against her thigh. It had been a long time since they’d been totally naked together and it felt completely right and natural.

They let their hands wander all over each others' bodies, stroking, caressing, as their mouths remained fused together, their tongues tangling. When Ned’s fingers began to pluck at the tight buds of her nipples, she moaned into his mouth.

"Mmm, I didn’t get lube," he whispered.

"Why don’t you see if I need any?" she countered with a teasing smile.

His fingers slipped between her thighs, and he sighed contently when he found her wet and ready for him. As he slowly fingered her clit, she sighed delightedly, reaching for his erection and stroking him firmly.

"I love you, Nan," he told her between kisses. "I love you and I want you so much."

"Make love to me," she whispered. "Please, Ned, make love to me."

Ned broke away to reach for the foil packet; Nancy took it from his hands and tore it open, slipping the condom onto him. Crawling on top of her, he kissed her lips and each of her nipples before easing his way inside her.

Nancy opened her legs wider, wrapping her legs around his waist. "Mmmm," she sighed.

He smiled, going deeper and deeper inch by delicious inch until he was completely sheathed inside her. "This feels so good," he told her. "Being inside of you again feels so good, sweetheart. I missed it so much."

Nancy craned up to kiss him. "I did, too."

Ned began to move in a tantalizingly slow rhythm. He thrust in and out of her in thorough strokes, Nancy’s nails digging into his lower back with each rock of his hips against hers.

"This feels so right," he whispered. "Being one with you, showing you how much I cherish you. This is what we were made for, gorgeous. I love you so much, and I love making love to you."

She tilted her head up, capturing his mouth in an almost brutal kiss. "I love you."

"Do you know how gorgeous you are? There is no one else on this earth I could or would ever want more than you, Nancy. I feel so lucky that you’ve let me be the only man to get this close to you and I promise never to take it for granted ever again."

Nancy blinked back tears. "Making love with you has always been special and sacred and I’ve never wanted to share it with anyone else. This is just between you and me."

His fingers crept down to caress her clit as he continued to slide in and out of her. "Just us, gorgeous. Sharing our bodies, expressing our love… that’s why I wanted to be able to do this again. To look into your eyes while I’m inside of you so you can know how I feel about you. Look at me, sweetheart. See how much I love you."

 "I love you, Ned." The tears spilled down her cheeks and Ned leaned over to kiss them away.

"I love you, Nancy. Always and forever."

She whimpered, her back arching as she felt herself begin to climax. "Yes," she whispered. "Ned, this feels so good."

"Baby, your pussy feels incredible around me," he whispered back, his strokes getting firmer and faster. "You look so unbelievably gorgeous and sexy when we do this, so fucking hot."

"Ned," Nancy gasped, "God, don’t stop. _Please."_

"I love you, sweet girl. I love you so much—you are the one for me, _forever_."

Nancy was crying freely as her orgasm burst through her, his name on her lips. She sniffled as he smiled down at her, whispering his love for her.

Ned kept stroking inside her for another minute before she felt him surge inside her, his back going rigid as he let out a hoarse cry.

"Mmm," she murmured contently as he collapsed on top of her.

"I can move," he told her, his voice muffled by the blanket.

"No, don’t." The truth was, she enjoyed the weight of his body on top of hers after so long. Her palms gently stroked his sweaty back.

After a few minutes, he curled up on his side, letting his head rest on her shoulder and his arm gently encircle her waist. They stayed that way for a long time, and Nancy could feel herself drifting off to sleep, completely and utterly content and sated.

Suddenly, he rose from the blanket, and Nancy stirred. "Where are you going?"

"To put out the fire and get dressed," he replied. "You’re tired and need to get to sleep, and I should get out of here before things get even worse outside."

She sleepily roused herself to prop herself up on her elbows, shivering. Now that the fire was dying, she was chilled without the warmth of Ned’s body against hers.

"Stay," she told him quietly.

Ned paused, obviously torn. "Nan, I don’t want to make things awkward for you, and—"

"Ned, it’s freezing outside and I can still hear the sleet pinging against the windows. I’m sure that the streets are all glazed over with ice. You can’t drive in that."

"Okay. Okay, I can stay in the spare room or something..."

"No. Stay with me."

"Are you sure?"

"Stay with me," Nancy repeated, an air of finality to her words.

Even in her half-asleep state, she knew that she could be sending him mixed messages, but she just didn’t care anymore. She wanted to fall asleep with her husband’s arms around her and she wanted that to happen in their bed. She was tired of fighting the urge; now that they’d made love again after so long, she found that she didn’t have any fight left in her anymore.

Ned tamped down the sputtering dregs of the fire and turned back to her. "Then let’s go up to bed, sweetheart." He knelt in front of the blanket and scooped her up in his arms, tenderly carrying her up the stairs and to the bedroom. 

\--

Ned had to be dreaming. He had to be, because there was no way he was actually in their bed, in their house with his arm draped around Nancy’s waist and his body curled around hers.

He closed his eyes and opened them again, astonished to see that it definitely wasn’t a dream. He saw his wife’s red-gold hair spilling down her bare back and felt her firm little ass pressing against his morning erection. 

Ned was afraid to wake her and have her tell him to leave, but he couldn’t stop himself from pressing a kiss onto one of her shoulders. He heard Nancy make a soft sound and kissed her shoulder again.

She turned so that her bare breasts brushed his chest, her sleepy blue eyes regarding him warily.

"Good morning, gorgeous," he whispered, beaming at her.

"Good morning," she whispered back.

"How did you sleep?"

"Pretty soundly," Nancy admitted.

"So did I—it was the first good night’s sleep I’ve gotten in months, Nan. It felt so right to lie in bed next to you again and feel you in my arms and hear you breathe."

She slowly sat up, letting the sheet fall to her waist, and Ned couldn’t help but be riveted by the sight of her tight pink nipples as the sunlight streamed into the room.

"Ned, I hope you don’t think that this means that I’m ready for you to move back in," she told him softly, running her hand through her already-mussed hair. "Don’t get me wrong—last night was truly amazing, and I enjoyed sleeping in your arms, but…"

Ned hoped that he had done a good job of hiding his intense disappointment. Instead, he pasted a smile on his face. "I understand. And I have no illusions about what this means. Last night, you made it clear that you still need to make some decisions about us and our future, and I’m not going to push you.

"So I’m going to get dressed and get out of here. Everything I told you last night was the truth, Nancy. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I am so glad you trusted me enough to share yourself with me again. That gift was more precious to me than you could ever know." He leaned over to kiss her before getting out of bed.

Once he came back from the bathroom, his teeth freshly brushed with his finger and a towel wrapped around his waist, he found Nancy in bed in a pretty blue cotton nightgown. 

"Ned, you don’t have to go," she told him, and he could swear that he saw genuine regret in her expression. "Stay and we can have breakfast and talk."

"No, I think it’s best that I go. I don’t want to pressure you. I’ve already made my decision, Nan—I choose to be with you. Now it’s your turn to decide."

With that, he headed downstairs to gather his clothes and leave. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by killingstreak and ndnickerson.

"I love you," Ned whispered as he bent down to kiss Nancy's forehead. He was fully dressed, his hair combed, while she was still in the damn blue nightgown. She had followed him downstairs, unable to let him go just yet, but he still hadn't agreed to have breakfast with her, to talk for just a little while longer. He had said all he needed to say.

He opened the door a notch and gave her a crooked smile. Then he walked out of their, _her_ , house and she felt her shoulders slump. 

She had seen the look of immense disappointment cross his face when she had clarified her stand and her heart had _ached_. 

She shouldn’t have. Shouldn’t have caved and let him stay, shouldn’t have slept with him, shouldn’t have let him fall asleep in her bed just so it would end like this, with things still up in the air. 

But she had slept more deeply than she had in so many months, with his arms wrapped tight around her, his breath warming her neck. She loved the warmth of his body, the masculine lines of his arms and chest, the way he held her close without crushing her. 

She could almost _smell_ him. He had kissed her temple in the middle of the night when she shifted in his arms; when her legs moved across the sheets her ass had bumped against his erection. When she jerked in his arms following a bad dream, he had murmured into her hair and held her closer.

She loved him.

When he had walked out of their house, he had laid down the gauntlet at her feet.

Nancy sighed as she looked at the calendar. She didn't have long to wait until her birthday, until her self-imposed deadline. She wasn't ready. She could never be. 

She would just have to spend the rest of her life wondering if her love was enough to keep him faithful and keep them happy. Or she could lock her doubts away and focus on what Ned had said.

_Please take a leap of faith. Please trust me again, Nancy._

George wasn't happy, but then again she wasn't happy in the way that Mike hadn't been either—when Nancy was having her head turned by other guys. George cared for her, but George wasn't going to _live_ with Nancy and Ned for the rest of her life.

And Bess… she was chirpy, all wide-eyed and just _happy_ that Nancy was giving Ned another chance. They were _meant to be_ , the fairytale couple, the undying love.

Nancy just wasn't sure what to think anymore. All that was left was the leap, either way.

\--

Nancy was just reheating the previous day’s leftovers when she found herself on the phone with her dad.

"How’s my favorite daughter doing?" Carson greeted Nancy heartily.

"Not too bad," Nancy replied quickly, not wanting to pause for too long lest her dad sense something was amiss. She breathed a silent prayer of thanks that they weren’t having this conversation face-to-face. She could make her voice brighter, could fake an emergency, could _lie_ so much better when she didn’t sense his gaze on her.

"And you, young lady—have you decided on the plans for your birthday?"

"Not so young anymore," Nancy answered lightly, a small smile playing on her lips despite herself. "And answering your question… no, not really. I’ve been kind of busy, and when you’re past twenty-one, it isn’t really such a big deal anymore, is it?"

"Hannah’s asking if she should start planning a mini feast," Carson mused aloud, and Nancy winced a little. For the past few years, they had been having a small gathering at either his house or their house, or what used to be _theirs_ , with Hannah cooking up a storm and Edith bringing her famous roast potatoes, when they weren't all gathering around a large table at a nice restaurant instead. Thinking about it made Nancy uneasy. It was weird having everyone over to their— _her_ , house, _and Ned_ , it was impossible to act like he was living with her when all his belongings were missing.

And Carson would know. Her dad would walk in, take one look at the house and just sense that something was amiss. The atmosphere, the tension… Things were getting better between them but sometimes she could still see the way his jaw tightened when she slipped, could feel that small burst of irrational irritation bubble up in her. They were both trying and she had to give Ned credit for holding his tongue each time she felt an argument coming up, for not taking the bait she so nastily dangled in front of him. 

She was trying and the sex… it had been incredible, and things had been _great_ , tentative but good. 

She hadn’t given him a definite answer, hadn’t even given him the slightest hint.

They were texting daily, and yesterday she had allowed herself a phone call from him just before bedtime and they had ended up laughing over the phone until two in the morning.

Things were looking up for them, but every time she woke up with the other side of the bed empty, she saw another reminder of what had brought them to this stage in the first place. Each time it still stung.

She looked around at the couch and tried to picture the last time everyone was crowded there, finding Ned lazing on the couch with a beer after Hannah shooed her out of the kitchen. It was just a year, but it had been one hell of a year. And she couldn’t do it, couldn't have everyone over to their home like absolutely nothing had changed. It was too fast.

"I, uh, I’m not sure… The agency has been pretty busy lately so I might be tied up all the way 'til my birthday." Nancy fibbed and held her breath.

"Not taking a rest even on your birthday?"

Nancy laughed nervously. "Yeah well, you know me. Cases aren’t going to be put on hold just 'cause I arrived in this world twenty-eight years ago."

Carson chuckled. "I’m not surprised. How about we just go out to some place nice and have a quiet dinner? And then you can get back to saving the world."

" _Dad_ ," Nancy said mock-sternly as she shook her head. "That would be perfect, actually. But please tell Hannah that I’m so sorry I won’t be having the feast I’m sure she already planned."

"All earmarked and circled," Carson confirmed. "I’ve even tried the appetizers. The salad? Yum _, c_ ompletely out of this world."

Nancy sighed. "Yeah, it’s just, I might be held up and—"

"We know," Carson cut in, not unkindly, and made a noise that sounded like a muffled chuckle. "I think we’ll all just be glad if you even turn up. But if it’s all right for you, then I’ll just go ahead and book one of those restaurants in downtown Chicago that you like so much. More convenient, after all."

"Thank you, Dad." Nancy smiled. "I’ll try my best to turn up, _and_ on time. It’s my birthday, after all."

Carson laughed. "That’s what you say _every_ time."

\--

"It’s your birthday soon…" Ned trailed off at the other end of the line and Nancy found herself staring down at her bedroom slippers. 

"Yeah," she murmured noncommittally.  "It is."

"Any firm plans yet? Thinking about doing something at the—your place?" Ned kept his voice even but her heart dropped a little when she heard him falter slightly. She hated how things were so clearly defined between the two of them; what she hated most was how _she_ was the one who kept things in this state of limbo. Ned would slip occasionally and if she was in a good mood, she would let it pass, but on days when she was slightly on the edge, there would be an awkward moment after.

She was going to let it pass. 

Nancy sniggered. "God, no. My dad would take one step inside, take one look and just _know_ something was wrong."

Ned was silent on the other end. "You… you haven’t told him anything yet?"

"He liked you, Ned," Nancy whispered softly as she sat down heavily on her bed, throwing back the covers. "He really, really liked you."

"And I screwed up big time," Ned sighed. 

"I don’t want him to not like you anymore." Nancy closed her eyes as she leaned back. The sheets were blissfully cool but she wanted his body heat more.  "If we’re doing this again… I don’t want things to be strained."

"I guess I’m just glad he isn’t reloading his shotgun in the living room right now."

"He’ll make it look like an accident," Nancy added teasingly. Ned laughed before it faded into a comfortable silence.

"So…" Nancy murmured as she stretched out, her arms tracing the imaginary divider on the bedspread.

"I miss you," Ned breathed, and she closed her eyes as she felt a thrill run down her spine. She closed her fist and sighed, remembering how his back, so sculpted and strong, felt under her fingertips.

"I miss you too." 

"Thank you though, for not making your dad go nuclear. It means a lot to me." Ned added.

Nancy closed her eyes. "It’s not just your ass I covered… I guess I didn’t want him to think that I was a failure. Like I was good in school and every other thing but I wasn’t a good wife and fucked up my marriage."

Ned exhaled. "You’re not, Nan. You’re the best wife ever and you didn’t ruin our marriage. _I_ did, me, stupid Ned Nickerson, fucked up and hurt the loveliest, most beautiful woman on earth, my wife. _You_ , baby, Nancy Drew Nickerson, I love you and I’m so sorry I messed up."

"Okay," Nancy mumbled inaudibly. "I just…"

"Yeah?" Ned asked hopefully when she trailed off.

"I don’t know," Nancy sighed wearily. "I’m just… tired."

"Okay. Goodnight, baby. I love you." 

"I love you too."

_I don’t know what I want._

Even if the faint trace of his shampoo was just in her memory, she still found it comforting. With that anxiety still lingering, she drifted off to an uneasy sleep, her fingertips clutching the case of Ned’s pillow.

\--

"How’s Nancy?" Edith asked as she handed Ned a mug of hot cocoa. "You two…" She trailed off, an uncertain look in her eyes. She was no fool, and could see that Ned was in better spirits than before.

"It's going okay," Ned confirmed as he took a huge gulp. "But she hasn't given me a yes or no yet; it's driving me crazy, but at least she hasn't said that she doesn't want to try again."

"That’s good." Edith nodded cautiously as she took a seat beside him on the sofa. "And the counseling? Still going okay?"

Ned nodded. "Yeah. Lately it's been good, instead of us just fighting with nicer words in front of the therapist." 

"The way you two fight…" Edith mused and Ned threw a glance at his mom.

"I messed up big time, mom. I don’t know how I did, but I did."

Edith sighed as she patted her son’s knee. "At least now you know how much she loves you."

 Rising to her feet, she shot him a small smile.

"Don’t ever forget."

\--

Nancy was just stepping out of the shower when she heard the doorbell ring. "Ned?" she called out cautiously as she hastily slipped on an oversized shirt and rapidly toweled her hair dry. She wasn't expecting him, but at every unexpected ring of the doorbell or her phone, her first thought was always that it might be him—and that gave her both a twinge of anxiety and a frisson of sweet anticipation.

Squinting through the peephole, to her surprise, she saw Edith standing there looking back at her, a pot in her arms.

"Hi," Nancy smiled as she quickly unlocked the door, a little chagrined that she hadn’t the time to slip on anything more appropriate than a t-shirt and pair of shorts. 

Edith smiled as she set the pot on the table and immediately Nancy could smell the fragrant scent of roast beef and mashed potatoes.

"Let me go…" Nancy gestured at her less than casual ensemble, and Edith nodded as she fussed about, tidying up the clutter on the coffee table.

"It's no problem. I know you weren't expecting me; I can make some tea while you get dressed. Go." Edith shooed her off, and Nancy headed upstairs, changing as quickly as possible. The last time Edith had shown up like this, their conversation had been incredibly awkward, and her mother-in-law had begged her to give Ned another chance to show whether he was still the man she remembered. With a sigh, Nancy wondered if that was her purpose again today—or if she had changed her mind during the long process of their attempt at reconciliation.

True to her word, Edith had prepared mugs of tea for both of them during Nancy's absence, which were delicious and warming on the cool spring day. Nancy thanked her, but she was still feeling anxious about the purpose of her mother-in-law's visit.

Edith took a small sip and cleared her throat before she set the cup back into its tiny saucer. Turning, she folded her hands and looked at Nancy.

Nancy had always loved Edith. The older woman clearly loved her too, had been thrilled at the prospect of Ned's marriage to her, had always treated her like her own child. Nancy had been ashamed to look Edith in the eye back when she hadn't been perfectly faithful to Ned, afraid that the older woman would take one look at her and tell her son that Nancy wasn’t good for him. 

Right now, she found herself looking straight back into her eyes, and that old doubt came back.

Nancy had tried. She had tried so hard for the entirety of her married life, especially the past few years, to be perfect, the perfect wife and daughter-in-law. 

"Nancy," Edith started and smiled a soft smile that left the corners of her eyes crinkly. "I don’t know how I should say this or where I should start but first and foremost, thank you."

Nancy looked up, surprised, a thought rounding her lips, but she held her tongue.

"Thank you, dear Nancy, for giving Ned another chance. Thank you for taking my son back, when he deserved no forgiveness, especially not from you. James and I raised Ned to be a man of fine character, and I know the man you fell in love with, the man _we_ all knew was one, and I cannot possibly fathom what changed him so much. It must have been hell, darling, and I cannot imagine everything you had to go through. I am so sorry for what happened—"

"Please don’t." Nancy half-rose, horrified that Edith was apologizing to her. "Please don’t apologize. It was Ned’s fault and Ned’s alone." Nancy clasped the older woman’s hands in hers and was shocked to find her eyes pricking with tears. "You and Mr. Nickerson raised Ned so well, and the man we all knew and loved was a result of that. What Ned became… You couldn’t have stopped it. I was at fault too, Edith.  I was too cooped up in my misery and we were fighting so much every day, all the time." Nancy shook her head, pained at the image in her head.

"The man I raised would never run away. He should have talked to you, Nancy, love.  He should have worked things out with you. And after everything..." Edith shook her head sadly.

"I am sorry we reached this stage." Nancy sighed. "And I love Ned, God, I love him so much and I always have, and what he did tore my heart out. But that’s what love does, doesn’t it? It hurts and it mends, too. I thought I could live without him. I tried, and it’s so hard that I don’t know anymore."

Edith looked up and gently wiped the tears away from Nancy’s face. 

"I’m not here to beg on Ned’s behalf. He’s just glad that you haven’t packed up and left his life completely. You are a brave woman, Nancy. If I were you, I can’t say I would be this strong. Betrayal is a painful wound to bear and you managed to swallow your pain and say you’re willing to give him that chance."

Nancy chuckled darkly as she tucked a strand behind her ear. "I’ve had bad days. Really rough ones. What hurts more, what will _always_ hurt is the fact that I lost the baby." Nancy’s voice hitched as her hands crept to her flat stomach. "I see mothers with strollers on the street, at the mall, at the grocery store. I see chubby smiling children and it’s a fresh new wave of pain all over again. And now... even Jan’s having a baby. Mike called Ned and told him about the news. It’s hard enough, pretending that things are good between us. It’s harder pretending that nothing happened at all, that I'll have to put on a brave face around her when I'm imagining how our children would have played together..."

"Oh Nancy," Edith murmured as she reached out to hold her hand. "I’m not sure if Ned even knows, he was so young—but after him, I was pregnant again."

Nancy looked up, her eyes wide as she realized the terrible truth behind the sentence. 

Edith smiled a sad smile as she shook her head. "It was a girl. I was beyond devastated."

She met her gaze and both their eyes were red-rimmed. "Things happen, Nancy. Some things just are beyond our control.  James and I were both healthy and I still miscarried. Please don’t blame yourself anymore, darling."

"I never knew…" Nancy murmured, shock still registered on her face. "Ned never told me."

Edith smiled. "I guess we just like to keep our misery to ourselves."

Nancy smiled too. "It’s easier that way. That way when you're trying to make yourself forget, there’s no one to remind you of it again."

Edith shook her head, reaching for her mug of tea again. "You cannot forget, but you can forgive."

\--

It was their last date before her birthday, thanks to the way Ned's week was shaping up. He was glad that the hours of planning, networking, and preparation were beginning to pay off, glad that he was inching closer to realizing his goal, but the timing sucked. He was doing everything he possibly could not to pressure his wife into making the decision he truly wanted, but his knowledge that the deadline was so, so close was intensely distracting. By Friday, he would know for sure. By Friday.

He wished he had more time. At least he would see her again on Thursday for their therapy session, just in case, and he prayed that wasn't the last time before she told him that it was over and she wanted a divorce.

And now that he had been reminded again of how incredible it felt to be with her and to sleep in his wife's arms, he had found it almost impossible to sleep alone again. He loved her. He wanted her. Talking about anything else, acting natural and casual with her and everyone else in his life, was driving him crazy, when all he wanted was to beg her for an answer, or for her to ask him for something, some sign, something he could do for her. He would do anything for her, anything in his power.

For their date he had suggested something low-key and casual, and he had offered to make dinner for her since she had made such a great dinner for him. His mother's crock-pot vegetable soup recipe was even better with her suggestion to add chunks of roast beef and some tomato soup to thicken it, and Ned bought the ingredients for grilled cheese sandwiches, too. He was looking forward to the end of their cold spring with all his heart—but especially if that warmth would coincide with his moving back into their home.

Nancy called when she was on the way, and when she arrived she wore a severe jacket and skirt with a pale-silver-stripe white button-down underneath, high black stilettos and stockings. Wire-rimmed glasses perched at the end of her nose, but her hair was tied back in a severe bun. She came in with a backpack slung over her shoulder and greeted him with a warm smile before immediately asking to use his restroom; when she emerged, she wore jeans and a soft slate-grey sweater with a v-neck collar. Her feet were bare, but when he glanced over and saw her wincing at the cool wood floor, he went to his bedroom and took a pair of socks out of his drawer, then tossed them to her.

"Thanks," she said with a shy smile, tucking her newly-loosed hair behind her ears as she sat down on the couch and pulled the socks on. "Forgot how cold the floors get, here..."

But it wasn't _here_ that she was referring to, and Ned held her gaze for a few seconds before he turned back to the warming skillet. She was really referring to his first apartment, to _their_ first apartment.

"So what're you making? Smells great."

Ned smiled when she padded into the kitchen. "Vegetable soup with roast beef, and grilled cheese. With lots of real butter in the skillet. None of that awful cooking spray or margarine crap."

Nancy chuckled. "So the good kind, then. Hannah would approve."

Ned nodded. "Mind getting a couple of bowls? They're—"

_In the usual place_ , Ned almost added, but when he glanced over she had opened the proper cabinet and taken them down. When he had first moved into that apartment years earlier, he had put everything away where it was most convenient for him; then Nancy had come in and organized everything, and he had grudgingly admitted that her method made more sense. He had put everything away here exactly where she would have had him put it.

Then Nancy lifted the lid of the crock-pot and took an appreciative whiff. "Oh, Ned! You didn't remember the liners?"

Ned groaned. "Shit. I knew something didn't seem quite right..."

"It's all right. If the soup is good enough I'll wash it out for you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't." Nancy's blue eyes were sparkling a little when she glanced over at him.

If it was their last meal together as a married couple... a part of him wished it was something unforgettable, something impressive, but it seemed right that it would be much like the meals they had prepared together and shared when they had lived in an apartment much like this one. Full circle. He had done his best, and he was fully aware that it might not be enough—but he had done everything he could.

Over their dinner, when Ned took the first bite of his sandwich, he was struck by the sudden knowledge that the creamy saltiness would have been great with a beer, but it was fleeting and held no urgency. He turned his attention to Nancy; she was trying her first spoonful of the soup, and she closed her eyes as she tasted it.

"Mmm. This has _got_ to be one of your mom's recipes." Nancy almost said something else, but she stopped herself.

Ned nodded. "Maybe," he teased her with a smile. "But I did all the heavy lifting. Opening cans and everything."

Nancy wrinkled her nose at him, but she was smiling as she slid her spoon through the bowl again. She seemed more comfortable than she had in a while, but Ned was trying hard not to read anything into it. The more he wanted it, the more he was afraid that he would only see what he wanted to see.

And that had definitely gotten him into trouble.

She tucked her hair behind her ear again and Ned saw her wedding rings on her finger, and had to look away. That didn't necessarily mean anything, either.

_It's over_.

If she did that to him again... God, he didn't think his heart could take it.

Since dinner had been rather humble, Ned had stopped in the bakery section of the upscale grocery store near his work, and bought a batch of chocolate-dipped cookies along with his other supplies. They settled on the couch with the cookies in front of them, and while they were both far too full to consider dessert yet, Ned knew he would definitely claim at least a couple before the night was over. More than a few if their date ended badly. None if it ended in the worst way possible.

"So you have dinner meetings for the rest of the week?" Nancy glanced up at him. Along with the rest of her work outfit she had taken off her makeup, and Ned noticed that the flesh just beneath her eyes was only faintly shadowed. His gaze traced the freckles dusting her nose and cheeks too, and he remembered summer days he had spent kissing each one—and her teasing that she had many more freckles than the ones he was able to see outside her clothes.

Ned nodded. "I'm really sorry," he told her. "I'll be free Friday night, and this coming weekend—" No matter what, he hadn't been able to make plans for those nights. If she told him she was taking him back, then with any luck he would be moving his belongings back in over the weekend; if not, he was going to be doing everything he possibly could to keep from crawling into a bottle for as long as he could. "This coming weekend I'll be free too. The big problem is that everyone involved, they all have full-time jobs and significant others or families, and it's already hard to get away."

Nancy nodded in understanding. "Yeah. I get it."

"But—if you need to see me, maybe we could meet for dessert or something, or a cup of coffee, or—whatever you need." Ned could hear the edge of desperation in his voice, and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself."

Nancy gave him a soft smile. "I'm sorry, too," she murmured. "I hate that I'm dragging this out and it's probably killing you."

"Yeah," he admitted. "I mean—"

Nancy reached up, perching on her knees, and cupped his face in her hands. She leaned forward and kissed him softly, very briefly, then pulled back to give him a sad smile. "I know what you mean," she said softly. "It's all right."

Ned gazed into her eyes, afraid to ask what she was thinking, afraid to claim her lips in a deeper kiss if he was misreading her signals. She sat back again and the moment had broken, but Ned could still feel that strange faint vibration in the skin near his heart.

Nancy sighed. "I keep wondering what anyone else would do, in this situation—but it doesn't matter what anyone else would do. Because no one else is going to be in our marriage if we decide to stick this out—and if we don't, no one else... not even your—"

She stopped herself again, and Ned touched her knee. "Hmm?"

Nancy sighed. "Your mom came over and... talked to me. She's always been so nice to me. Even when I thought she had every reason to be mad at me."

Ned's hand moved up to her chin. "She loves you," he murmured, searching her eyes again. "We all do. Baby, I love you so much, and I always will. No matter what."

Nancy glanced back down again, biting her lip. Ned knew of a thousand things she could retort, a hundred instances she could bring up to fling in his face, and he pressed his own lips together. But she didn't say anything.

Then she took a breath. "And I love you," she murmured. "Always have, always will. No matter what."

Ned looked down at his open palms. He couldn't believe how tense he felt, how much he wanted to do _something_ , anything. To pace, to plead. But he had told her that he had spoken his piece, and he had. The decision was hers to make and live with, because he had already decided on what he wanted.

"Nan... you want... you want us to be together," he said softly. "I know you do. I know that when we made love... a part of me has to believe that if you were ready to walk away, you wouldn't have taken that step with me." Then he looked over at her. "Am I wrong?"

A tear streaked down Nancy's cheek. She reached up and wiped it away. "Ned, we _know_ how to date," she pointed out. "We know how to have sex; we know how to make love. That's not what the problem is."

So he had been right, to doubt that her letting him making love to her meant she was ready to reconcile. In his heart, though, a small, selfish part of him was hoping the memory of it would make it that much harder for her to walk away from what they had.

"You know what kills me about this?" he murmured. "That if I lose you, and _this_ , now... that I might lose my best friend. And you are, Nan. I love Mike like a brother, and there are other people I'm close to, but _you_... you know me like no one else does. My life would be dimmer without you as a part of it. And if someone had just walked up to me and reminded me of that simple fact a year ago... well, I don't know where we'd be now, but it wouldn't be here."

Nancy sniffled. "So if I tell you this is over..."

Ned's heart skipped a beat, and he had to force himself to keep his gaze on her stricken face.

"Then it's all or nothing?"

Ned shook his head emphatically. "No, Nan. No. Not at all. When I told you that I would be for you whatever you needed me to be, I meant that. With all my heart. I do want you to be happy." He gave her a small smile. "But I've told you before... I want so badly for you to be happy with _me_. And if you aren't, if the man sitting next to you today is not the person you could see yourself being happy with for the rest of your life... then it would break my heart to let you go, and you know that—but I would."

Nancy sniffled again. "I don't want you to let me go," she cried, her eyes blazing with tears. "God, I _never_ want you to let me go."

He moved toward her, and she released a sound between a whimper and a sob when they crashed together, his palm cupping the back of her head, her mouth sweet under his. She cupped his cheek; her fingers caught his collar, and he looped his other arm around her waist, pulling her close to him.

Ned was fully aware that her willingness to sleep with him again wasn't a sign, but when she began to tug at his shirt, her tongue teasing his, Ned scooped her up and carried her to his bed, his palm slipping under her sweater to caress the small of her back. She wrapped her legs around him, dragging her hand through his hair, shivering against him as his fingertips dipped beneath the band of her jeans.

When he laid her down she kept kissing him, and they parted only long enough for her to draw his shirt over his head. He leaned down and brushed the tip of his nose against hers, then kissed her softly; she stilled with her hand on his back, and he could feel her melting under him.

"Then I never will," he whispered against her lips. "No matter what."

It wasn't as romantic as the firelight had been, but he turned on the lamp at his bedside, and the room was cast in a warm glow. He kissed her as he drew her sweater up, and she helped him pull it off; underneath she wore a lace bra, he could feel it under his fingertips, but he didn't pull back long enough to look down at it. He kept kissing her, and he could feel the hitch in her breathing as he slipped it down her arms.

Once they were both naked to the waist she pulled him down to her, his hips snug between her thighs and her legs wrapped around him still. He unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans, slipped his hand against her panties and found the lace warm and already damp under his fingertips. She whimpered and arched under him, catching his lower lip gently in her teeth as she unfastened his own fly.

And he had been desperate, as though he had to get her into bed before she realized what they were about to do, but they slowed down as they pulled their jeans off, as they each pushed down their own underwear. And she never, never cried off; she never begged him to slow down, to give her time to think about what they were doing. When he pulled back, stroking her cheek and gazing straight into her eyes, he didn't see any doubt there.

It could be the last time. The last time he ever made love to his wife.

He didn't want to stop kissing her, and she arched obligingly against his hand as he cupped it between her thighs, so he parted her smooth flesh and pressed his fingers up inside her, fondling her clit as he kissed her deeply, over and over. She began to whimper and sob against his lips, and he felt her fondle her own nipple as she buried her other hand in his hair.

He alternated his thrusts, making them rough and quick and then slowing down, curving his fingers and then corkscrewing them, making his strokes against her clit teasing-light and gradually harder. He knew when she was getting close; she panted faster, and her hips began to jerk under his hand.

Ned broke the kiss with an audible pop, three fingers deep and motionless in the hollow of her sex, his thumb still idly stroking her clit. Even without his mouth against hers, her lips were parted, her lashes low. Ned kissed her cheek, then her earlobe. "More, baby?"

She moaned. "Y—yes," she whimpered.

He kissed her other earlobe. "Show me," he whispered.

Since his hand had stilled, her hips were thrusting so she could fuck his fingers, her own fingers still plucking at her hard nipple. When he slipped his fingers out of her, immediately his hand went to his cock; he pumped it a few times, groaning at how good the hot, slick evidence of her arousal felt on his skin.

She pushed herself up a little, still trembling, and she only hesitated a second before she reached for the drawer of his bedside table, where they had always kept their condoms in the apartment. She let out a triumphant cry when she fished out one of the foil packets. While he still wasn't in love with the fact that they were back to using them, if he had to choose between safe sex and no sex, he was always going to choose safe sex.

She rolled the condom onto him, then pushed him onto his back. Her skin was flushed golden in the faint light and when she straddled his hips, taking him in her hand so she could mount him, Ned couldn't help letting out a sigh of anticipation. He had always loved the sight of her, and he couldn't help trying to memorize it: the way her lips parted as she fitted the tip of his cock against her opening, the slope of her breasts, the curve of her hips. She had been so beautiful when they had made love in the firelight, all the hollows that her depression had left filled in again, all the jutting bones softened by softer flesh.

He stroked her hips, groaning as she slowly mounted him. "You are so beautiful, baby," he murmured, and as her hips descended, as she took him inch by inch, it came back to him, every other time he had felt her on top of him like this. He could see them all in her, every version of her that he had loved, even though sometimes she said she wasn't sure she could ever be that woman again; he could see the inexperienced girl of fifteen who had utterly captivated him, whose kisses were sweet and tentative; he could see the eighteen-year-old woman who had shyly slipped out of her clothes and let him be the first man to see her naked on that moon-swept beach. He could see the twenty-one year-old who had buried him in rum-sweet kisses; he could see the woman who had walked down the aisle to him on their wedding day a virgin, who had begged him to take her when she had been overwhelmed that night in his bed.

Oh, the weight of their history overwhelmed him, and he hated wondering if it could be too late. She was everything to him, and she had been for so long. She was his soul mate, his one out of every other person on this earth, and what he had told her was true. He couldn't let her go without losing the better part of himself, in every sense.

"I love you so much."

She lowered herself over him, leaning down so she could kiss him, and Ned ran his palms up and down her back, his fingertips tracing the line of her spine, the tensed muscles of her thighs. "I love you," she moaned, her brow creasing as she took his full length, then angled her hips for another thrust. When Ned snaked his hand between them and found her clit, she cried out. " _Ned_... oh, God, I love you so much..."

"My only," he whispered to her, between kisses, as her hips ground against his, as he moved inside her. "Nancy... I love you so fucking much, baby..."

She kissed him again, again, her breasts pressed against his chest and his thumb stroking her clit as he cupped her ass. She released a long desperate groan, and after one last kiss she moved and they were gazing directly into each other's eyes.

And Ned shuddered at the intimacy of it. He kept rubbing against her clit as he brought his other hand up to cup her cheek, and he could see something in her face beyond the desire and pleasure of their joining. "Nancy," he whispered, planting his heels on the mattress so he could thrust his hips up against hers, so he could move in time with her, but between them... God, it was the way it had been before, when they had been so attuned to each other that the physical intimacy had been almost secondary to the emotional connection they'd had. He had felt it that night by the fire, and to feel it again—it was more addictive than anything else he had ever known.

_Never leave me. Never, never let me go._

At the same time that she began to roll onto her side he moved with her, so smoothly that it was almost frightening. His lips brushed hers and she wrapped herself around him, whimpering at the deepest point of his every thrust. He kissed her temple, her cheek, her nose, the corner of her mouth, and distantly he knew he was trembling, so close to breaking, knew that she was too.

He flicked the tip of his tongue against hers and then kissed her deeply, as her hand fisted in his hair, as she circled her hips under him. She was all he could feel, all he knew. All he had ever wanted from the first brush of her skin against his, from that first bright smile, from the first kiss.

And when he called her his... what he had meant, always, was that he was _hers_.

They came at the same time. She clenched hard around him, her cries breathless, and Ned collapsed on top of her, his head on the pillow. He could feel her heart beating hard against his, the tension of her orgasm still hard in her limbs, and then she relaxed, cradling him, moaning.

As soon as he had recovered enough to speak, Ned kissed her temple. "You can say no," he whispered, "but please, _please_. Stay with me tonight."

She cupped his face, just the same way she had cupped it to kiss him while they were sitting on the couch. In the span of heartbeats before she answered, Ned's heart sank.

"Okay," she whispered.

He let her borrow a shirt to sleep in, and when they cuddled up together, she kissed his chest, her arm looped over him. Ned wanted to stay awake as long as he could, to just relish the feel of her in his arms again, but he had missed it so much... and soon he was relaxed, the stroke of his fingertips slowing against her warm back.

Her alarm went off early; Ned was disoriented, but he came around when she rolled hastily onto her stomach, grabbing her cell phone so she could silence it. She let out a long exhausted sigh, and Ned remembered that before, she would have snuggled back up to him for a few minutes more rest before tossing back the covers.

And she came back to him, and immediately Ned wrapped his arms around her. She kissed his collarbone and Ned let out a soft contented sigh, relaxing back into the warmth of the mattress.

"Ned?" she whispered. Her voice sounded a little rusty with sleep.

"Hmm?"

She took a deep breath, then moved up and pressed a soft close-mouthed kiss against his lips. When she spoke, her voice was quiet, slow, but firm.

"I don't want to be separated anymore."

Ned's eyes widened. If this was a dream... _God_. "You've made your decision?"

"Yeah." She sniffled. "You're a part of me. And as afraid as I am to make this leap... I'm more afraid of what will happen to me if I don't." Then she brought her gaze up and searched his eyes. "Please move back in with me. Please."

Ned would've shouted, if he hadn't been positive that it would wake his neighbors. He settled for a wide grin as he tackled her, and then Nancy laughed, squirming as he kissed her neck. "Yes, yes," he answered, his voice vibrating against her skin. "Yes, Nan. Oh my God. Thank you, baby. Thank you so much."

She ran her hand through his hair, still chuckling. "You know that we're not going to stop going to therapy, right? And we're going to... we're going to do this right..."

"Mmm-hmm." He kissed the other side of her neck, just below her ear, then looked straight into her eyes. "Thank you," he murmured again.

She gave him a slow smile. "I lost myself when I lost you," she murmured. "I need us to be good again, Ned. You have no idea..."

He kissed her earlobe. "I know _exactly_ what you mean," he murmured. "And I swear to you that you will not regret this. You will never regret this."

She sighed, then kissed his jaw. "Good," she whispered.

\--

Nancy had actually been looking forward to their therapy session Thursday night, in a way that she hadn't been in quite a while. Oh, she had anticipated seeing her husband there, and that anticipation had been sweet lately, but at least now she would be able to announce their reconciliation to their therapist. When she woke in Ned's arms, refreshed and happy after a full night of sleep cuddled up against him in their bed, and she saw the incredible happiness and gratitude in his eyes as he gazed into her face... God. She had spent so, so many sleepless nights without him. Now that they were back together, it was like some terrible fist clenched about her heart had finally begun to relax.

Late during the workday on Thursday, though, Nancy received a message from Sol that he had a family emergency and wanted to postpone their session, if that was okay with Nancy and Ned. Other than her disappointment that she couldn't tell Sol that night, she was okay with that. Nancy was fully aware that their work wasn't over, but given how far they had come, she was finally feeling good again. And she wasn't missing out on a chance to see Ned; after his dinner meeting on Thursday night, they would be together.

And she had been kind of hoping that Sol might be able to talk to them about the potential disaster of her birthday celebration...

Part of Nancy was convinced that it would go okay. It was her birthday, and unless some or all of them got drunk—

And that she hadn't even quite considered. If her father offered to buy Ned a drink, _insisted_ that they each have a celebratory flute of champagne or something, what would happen? What would he do? If Sol had been right and her father had long suspected that something had been going on, and he said anything about it...

Sol had talked to them before about what to do if they found themselves in a stressful situation that could trigger a bad mood or abusive behaviors: to use relaxation techniques if they needed to, to take themselves out of the situation if they needed to, to steer the conversation away from topics they might find otherwise challenging.

And after work on Friday, when Nancy was changing in the office bathroom, she was feeling a little excited despite her nervousness. It would be the first real date she would have with Ned since they were back together, and while they had slept together every night since, he hadn't been able to start moving back in quite yet.

Nancy hadn't been able to pick out her outfit until after she had given Ned her decision. Now that she knew he would be there, she had selected a dress that made her feel festive and just a little sexy, one that emphasized her restored, if still rather gentle, curves. The dress was halter-necked, silk, with a pattern of red roses printed onto the fabric. The skirt was full and swirled just under her knees. Because it felt vintage, Nancy redid her makeup accordingly, carefully applying winged eyeliner and several coats of mascara just the way Bess had shown her. When she stepped back and scrutinized her reflection, Nancy found that she had to grin. Her lipstick was bright but not garish, and her eye makeup made her blue eyes stand out even more than usual. The night was still too cool to go out with bare shoulders, though, so Nancy slipped on a black ruffled cardigan. She gave herself another spritz of perfume and nodded at her reflection in approval before heading out.

Ned had arranged to meet her just outside the restaurant, and when Nancy pulled up at the valet station, he was already waiting for her. And God, he looked gorgeous in his dark charcoal suit, blue dress shirt, and striped tie.

"Hey beautiful," he greeted her, and his entire face lit up with the grin he gave her. "You look amazing, birthday girl."

"It's your birthday?" the valet asked as Nancy handed over her keys.

Nancy nodded. "Mmm-hmm."

"Happy birthday," the valet exclaimed, then gave Nancy a flirtatious grin. "And if this mug doesn't give you something pretty, come see me, all right? I have a Jag that's just _itching_ for a joyride." He winked at her.

Ned slipped his arm through Nancy's as soon as he could. "He's lucky I'm in a good mood tonight," Ned murmured.

"Me too," Nancy confided, a pleased shiver sliding down her spine at his closeness. "Else I'd knock that poor teenager on his ass."

Ned snorted, but recovered as they walked in. The restaurant, Turbinado, had started small, and Nancy's father had visited it when he was still studying for his law degree. When Nancy had first visited it, when she was thirteen, she had fallen in love with it. The restaurant's appetizers and entrees were excellent, but what they were most known for was their extensive dessert menu, which was as long as their appetizer and entree menus combined. Many of the appetizers and entrees incorporated the sugar theme: the meats were often available with a sweet, smoky glaze, and several of the appetizers were both spicy and sweet. Others contrasted, emphasizing salty and crunchy or substantial and savory preparations.

Nancy and Ned approached the corner table her father had reserved, and Nancy's heart rose into her throat when she saw that the rest of their party had already arrived, and Edith was speaking to Hannah. While Edith had been discreet, as far as Nancy knew, her father would latch onto any verbal slip or inconsistency with the tenacity of a bloodhound.

"Happy birthday, sweetheart!"

Ned pulled out Nancy's chair for her, and when Nancy looked over at Edith, smiling in greeting, she wasn't entirely unsurprised to see that her mother-in-law's eyes were shining faintly with unshed tears. Edith hadn't seen the two of them together in a very long time, and by some unspoken desire Nancy and Ned kept in contact, through joined hands, laced fingers, or just leaning toward each other. The warmth of his skin against hers was infinitely comforting.

"You look so pretty! That dress looks just like the kind I would have worn in high school." Hannah's eyes were bright. "And you look so healthy, too, Nan."

"Thanks," Nancy said with a smile.

"Had a good day, birthday girl?" Carson asked with a wide smile.

The hurdles were many, and every time they approached another, Nancy couldn't help feeling nervous. They made it through the greetings without a problem, and Ned answered easily enough when Carson said he had been disappointed not to see his son-in-law in nearly a year. When it came time to order their drinks, Carson said the birthday girl would probably prefer a cocktail, and Nancy had to chuckle at the strange cognitive dissonance. Before she was twenty-one, her father had been insistent that she stay away from alcohol. Then her birthday had come, and whenever they were out celebrating, he didn't insist that she drink, but he also made it clear that he really didn't mind if she did.

Nancy fought the urge to look over at Ned, but he squeezed her fingers lightly anyway. "Um... the frozen peach daiquiri," she told the waiter, and squeezed Ned's fingers too. When the waiter turned to him, Ned asked for a soda.

"Oh, come on! We're celebrating," Carson told Ned with a hearty smile. "Sure you don't want to get a scotch or something?"

Nancy could sense Edith's anxiety without even looking at her. "I'm sure," Ned said, his own smile easy. "I'm going to be up early tomorrow doing manual labor, and it'll be that much harder hungover."

"You won't be hungover after one drink. Unless you're that much of a lightweight."

Nancy knew her father meant well, but her stomach was in knots. "Thanks anyway," Ned said, the smile still in place.

"Well, that peach daiquiri sounds like a great idea," Hannah announced. "I think I'll have one too."

Nancy slumped a little in relief once that one was past.

They started with the appetizer sampler, and when Nancy and Ned reached for the same honey barbecue basted chicken wing at the same time, they chuckled at each other. The restaurant's decor was warm and candlelit, and seeing that reflected in Ned's warm, dark eyes made Nancy feel almost giddy.

While she had slept in Ned's arms at his apartment that night, after ending up in his bed again, she had honestly tried to imagine it. Never having this again. Never cuddling up to him and feeling warm and safe and loved again. Worse than that, for the longest time, Ned had been the _only_ one, the only man in her life, the only man she ever truly had and ever truly would love.

What had happened in California felt like it had happened to someone else, now. And the man he had become... she knew that at its root any promise he gave her that it would never happen again just represented his best intentions, but she was tired of fighting her own heart. Being with him made her whole again, finally. She wanted to be whole. More than anything, she wanted to feel whole and safe again. And that had been the answer she was waiting to find.

Gradually Nancy realized that as nervous as she and Ned felt, Edith had to be feeling it too. Whenever she could, she gently turned the conversation from topics she sensed might upset her son or her daughter-in-law. When Carson talked about his executive assistant's young grandchildren, Edith managed to turn the conversation to video games so subtly that Nancy was left in awe. It wasn't that she had underestimated her mother-in-law, but Edith was good at finding ways to pleasantly surprise her daughter-in-law.

Ned ordered the waiter-approved pork tenderloin, and Nancy ordered the honey-roasted chicken. He stole a bite off her plate and she gave him a mock scowl, and then she stole a bite off his plate, and in retaliation, when she swallowed the bite and gave him a wide grin, he stole a kiss. Nancy's lashes fluttered up and she gazed at him, that teasing grin fading into a genuine smile.

Nancy knew it was the honeymoon phase, but she intended to enjoy every second of it. They had passed through the valley and emerged together. She was loving the feel of the sun on her face after.

For dessert, even though everyone except Ned and James protested they were stuffed, they ordered the current chef's special for the entire table, a full-sized salted caramel cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Since Ned was a sucker for dessert, Nancy was sure leftovers wouldn't be a problem.

"All right, you two. Since you were able to make it out tonight, does that mean we'll be seeing you more often?" Carson said hopefully. "Ned, I hope Nancy's told you how disappointed I've been that you haven't been able to make it to my house for dinner in so long."

Ned squeezed Nancy's hand gently. "I certainly hope so," he told his father-in-law. "I... Things have been pretty tough over the last few months. But I'm glad things are finally starting to settle down. And that, tonight, we're able to celebrate the birthday of the woman who is the light of my life. Baby, I love you so much. Happy birthday, and here's to many, many more."

He lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles, and Nancy smiled at him. "Thanks, sweetheart," she murmured.

"True." Carson raised his glass. "To my daughter. Nancy, I am so proud of you, and I tell you this every year—but it has always been true. I love you so much, and I consider myself the luckiest man in the world, to have you as my daughter. To many, many more birthdays."

Edith picked up her own glass of white wine, and Nancy's stomach flipped a little. "Happy birthday, Nancy. I like to tell people you're like the daughter I never had." Nancy detected the faint catch in Edith's voice, and when James turned toward her to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, Nancy felt her own eyes prick with tears. "And I certainly love you like one. I'm so glad Ned found you, sweetheart... and that you found him."

James chimed in, nodding. "We've missed both of you a lot over the last year," he said. "And now that things have calmed down, maybe over the summer you'll be able to come see us more often. It's always a pleasure to see you, Nancy, and I hope your birthday has been great."

Hannah raised her glass last. "When you were a little girl, I used to think every birthday you'd survive to see was a miracle," she said, and everyone else chuckled. "But you've grown into an amazing woman, and I can't lie; I'm so glad you're back here with us, sweetheart. Both of you. May you have the happiest of birthdays, Nancy."

The waiter arrived just as they were all drinking to their birthday wishes, the cake in his hands, a single flickering candle set in the top. Behind him, a waitress carried a tray with their dishes of ice cream. "Am I interrupting?"

"Not at all," Ned said with a wide grin. "And I think that's our cue."

They sang "Happy Birthday" to her, and at the end of it all of them clapped, along with many of the guests seated around them. Hannah took over serving the cake, and passed the first slice to Nancy, who just gazed down at it, shaking her head.

Then she glanced around the table. "I love all of you so much," she said, smiling at each of them in turn, ending with her husband. "Every single one of you, so much. Thank you for being here for me, for both of us. And I can't wait to see you again next year, too. And many more times between," she hastened to add, with a smile at her in-laws.

After the last spoonful of ice cream was scooped up, after the last protest and groan of impending explosion, they reluctantly rose and said their goodbyes, all hugging each other and promising to get together again soon. The waiter wrapped the remains of the cake, and Ned was more than happy to accept it.

After everyone else had departed, Nancy and Ned stood at the valet station, waiting for their cars to be brought around. "So," Ned said softly. "Birthday girl. You know the night isn't quite over yet."

Nancy patted her stomach. "Well, it's definitely been delicious," she said.

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "But you haven't gotten your present."

She smiled up at him. "Sure I have," she murmured. "You're here. And when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I'll see is the man I love. I don't think I could possibly ask for a better present."

Ned searched her eyes, then gave her a soft, lingering kiss just as the valet arrived with her car. "Have I told you yet today how very much I love you?"

She smiled, then stroked his cheek. "You know what they say," she murmured. "Actions speak louder than words, Mr. Nickerson."

"Very true," he murmured, his voice low with promise. "Mrs. Nickerson."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

When she pulled into the driveway after a long day at work, Nancy felt a little thrill as she saw Ned's car already parked there. He'd moved back in a little over a week ago, and her heart never failed to beat faster whenever she remembered that he was back for good, that this was permanent. No more staying at her office as long as possible to avoid coming home to an empty house; no more trying to ignore the silence or tossing and turning while trying to sleep in a cold, lonely bed. 

Walking in through the front door, she could already smell the aroma of something delicious wafting through the air. 

"Honey, I'm home!" she called out, hanging her coat in the closet and stepping out of her heels.

"In the kitchen, babe!" Ned called back. 

She entered the kitchen to find Ned standing at the counter, an apron over his jeans and sweatshirt as he chopped and diced. Nancy wrapped her arms around his waist. 

"Something smells mighty good!" she teased, squeezing him.

He turned around and pulled her into his arms, dropping a kiss onto her lips. "Oh, it's nothing much. Just spinach and ricotta in vodka sauce over ziti, a salad, and garlic bread."

"Nothing much, huh?" 

"Well, I wanted to make something nice to spoil my girl." He kissed her again. "How was work?"

Nancy sighed. "Eh. Brown hired a new guy named McMillan, and he's pissing me off. And before you ask, he's around my dad's age – not some young hottie." Ned laughed.

"The guy was a detective with the Indianapolis P.D., and of course he thinks he knows everything. Naturally, this means he's trying to take all of the plum assignments and has basically insinuated that a 'little lady,'" she curled her fingers into air quotes, "like me shouldn't have this kind of job."

"Well, since we both know that Brown highly values you and your expertise, I'm sure that he'll ignore the asshole." Ned soothingly rubbed her back. 

"Yeah, but not before he drives me up a fucking wall. Anyway, I've vented and you haven't. How was your day at the insurance company?"

"Boring as shit, as usual. Why don't you go get changed and I can tell you all about how I pushed paper all day?"

"Are you sure I can't help you with dinner first?"

His hands slid down to pat her ass. "Nope – it's all under control. Go get comfortable, babe."

Nancy gave him a final kiss before going upstairs. As she stripped off her shirtdress and opened the closet door to hang it up, she smiled. It was still so nice to see Ned's clothes hanging on the other side of the closet, just like they were supposed to be. When she went into the bathroom to wash off her makeup and throw her hair into a haphazard ponytail, it was comforting to see his toothbrush resting next to hers. Having him and his things back in the house made it seem like a home— _their_ home—again. 

Once she'd changed into a baggy pair of jeans and a long-sleeved purple waffle-knit shirt, she padded down the steps and back into the kitchen, where she found the table set with glasses, dishes, silverware, and bottles of salad dressing. 

"I would have done that, honey!"

"It's okay," he shrugged. "You can clean up; how's that?"

"You have yourself a deal, sir."

After Ned dished up the salad and ziti, they sat down to eat. Nancy eagerly dug into the meal, proclaiming it delicious, and the pleased grin he gave her made her heart flutter a little.

"So, tell me about your day," she prodded him.

"It consisted of filing claims, reviewing policies, handling questions from worried clients… In other words, it was as dull as ever."

"I'm sorry," Nancy sympathized, taking another forkful of ziti. "I know you hate it there."

"It pays the bills, and I need _something_ to keep myself occupied until I can get my agency off the ground." 

"Speaking of… Did you hear back from the commercial Realtor about the office space you guys chose?"

"Yeah, he called today while I was at lunch, and he thinks he can get the owner to agree to the rental price we proposed." Ned took a sip of iced tea.

"That's awesome, Ned!"

"I know. Daniela also has some feelers out about some hotshot graphic artist from Miami who's interested in moving to Chicago. She's trying to get the woman to meet up with us when she's in town in a few weeks. Plus, Chris knows a guy who knows a guy in the office furniture rental business—he may just be able to give us a break."

"And you said that today was boring," she lightly admonished, waving her fork in his direction.

He chuckled. "All of this work on building the agency has served to remind me just how much I miss being in the advertising business, and how much I hate my current job."

"It's just temporary, honey. You'll be back to plotting out campaigns and sweet-talking clients into buying into your vision of what they're selling soon enough."

"I can't wait, Nan."

"Speaking of hearing from people…" Nancy paused to pour some light Italian dressing onto her salad. "I _finally_ got a call from the guy who does the subdermal tracker implants."

Ned looked up from his pasta. "Didn't you call him weeks ago?"

"Yep. Brown had warned me that the guy travels all around the world doing the implants for various government types. He didn't, however, specify which governments these people work for."

"I'm sure we don't want to ask," Ned grinned.

"I'm sure you're right. Anyway, the guy—his name is Ray—apologized for taking so long to get back to me and told me he'd been out of the country. He said he should be in Chicago for another month, but this isn't his only gig. Then he gave me a few dates when he has openings, but I told him I'd have to get back to him because I needed to check my husband's availability first."

Ned blinked at her in surprise as he took a piece of garlic bread and held the basket out to her. "Me?"

She accepted a piece of bread and he set the basket back on the table. "I promised that you could come with me to the appointment, and I meant it, Ned." 

"Thank you, sweetheart. It means a lot to me that you're doing this. Let me check my calendar and I can tell you what works. And if you're a good girl during the procedure, I may even take you for ice cream afterwards."

Nancy nodded her head, laughing. "If it hurts, I want a double scoop with hot fudge and peanut butter sauce."

"I can do that. Hell, I'll even spring for a triple scoop - _and_ chopped-up peanut butter cups."

\--

The following afternoon, Nancy trudged out of her office's main conference room, feeling irritated beyond belief. She'd just come out of another staff meeting where McMillan had tried to dominate the discussion about all of the agency's current cases and had even tried to worm his way into working on one of her assignments. Luckily, her boss had picked up on the glare that she had directed at her new co-worker and had immediately shut McMillan down. Unfortunately, his intervention hadn't done anything to improve her mood.

However, the vase of flowers that she spotted when she returned to her desk definitely did the trick. Smiling, she picked up the envelope that was propped against the vase and opened it. 

_Good afternoon sweetheart,_

_I just kissed you goodbye a few hours ago but I wanted to send these to show that I'm thinking of you. I know you had a rough day at work yesterday and I hope that these flowers helped brighten up your day today._

_I also wanted to tell you how happy I am to be sharing a home and a life with you again, and that I am so grateful that you decided to give me the honor of being your husband for the rest of our lives._

_It has been amazing to go to sleep with you in my arms and to wake up beside you, to see your beautiful face when I come home from work, to make you laugh again, and to just be able to spend my days and nights with you in our home. I can't remember the last time I was this happy, and you're the reason why._

_I can't wait to see you again tonight. I love you, sweetheart._

_Always and forever,_

_Ned_

__  


As she read the letter, her eyes blurred with tears. She grabbed for a tissue before picking up the receiver of her desk phone. While she waited for her husband to pick up, she looked down at her wedding and engagement rings and smiled. 

"Why, hello there, gorgeous." Ned's voice was warm and tender over the phone.

Nancy didn't even bother with a greeting. "The flowers are beautiful, Ned, and so is the letter. Thank you so much."

"I'm glad you liked them."

"I _loved_ them. It was such a sweet and thoughtful gesture, one that made me so happy after a crappy meeting."

"I'm sorry to hear that today sucked again, sweetheart," he sympathized.

"Well, it doesn't suck anymore."

"I'm glad I could help."

"You definitely did." Nancy looked up to see McMillan approaching her desk and bit back a sigh. "I have to go now, Ned, but thanks again for the flowers."

"You're welcome, Nan. Any idea what time you'll be home?"

"Around six-thirty, I think? I'll call if it'll be later. Oh, and don't make dinner—I'll take care of it tonight."

"It's no problem."

"No, I want to. I may wind up picking up something, but I don't want you to have to cook again."

"Well, if you do decide to stop off somewhere, I could go for a bowl of shrimp dumpling noodle soup and some kung pao chicken from China Garden? Oh, and maybe some pork fried rice?" 

Nancy laughed at the hopeful note in her husband's voice. "You've got it. I'll text you before I leave the office, just in case there's anything else you want to add to the order."

McMillan plopped himself down into the chair next to her desk without even asking, and she tried to control her facial expression so that it didn't reflect her annoyance. "I hate to say it, Ned, but I really have to go. Talk to you later."

"Bye, babe. Love you."

Nancy could feel McMillan's eyes on her but it didn't stop her from replying to her husband. "Love you too, honey."  

The softness she felt as she placed the receiver back on the cradle disappeared as she looked over at her unwelcome visitor. "Can I help you?"

\--

They entered into Thursday's therapy session together, holding hands. As Nancy settled down into her usual spot on the sofa, Ned sat right next to her and put his arm around her shoulders, and Nancy leaned into him, taking his hand. 

"Well, this looks like a nice start to our session," Sol commented, a wide smile on his face. "I'm assuming that you came to a decision about your future, Nancy?"

Nancy laughed. "I did, Sol. And I realized that I just don't want to live my life without Ned in it—as my husband, my best friend, my partner, and my lover." She looked over at her husband and gave him a tender glance. 

"The day she told me was one of the happiest days of my life, second only to the day when she said yes to my proposal and the day she became my wife," Ned replied, giving Nancy a tender smile of his own.

"I have to say that I'm not really surprised; I had a feeling that things would turn out this way. You two love each other too much and put entirely too much effort into therapy to have walked away.  The couples I've counseled that didn't make it? They were just numb and going through the motions—but you two were still so passionate about each other and about your marriage that I refused to give up hope."

Grinning, Ned brushed a kiss along Nancy's temple. "So did I."

"So, what was the final turning point for you, Nancy?"

"Since I was turning another year older, I had to reassess what I wanted for my future. Did I want to start fresh and try to find someone new? Was it fear of the unfamiliar and unknown that made me want to keep trying with Ned? Would I find someone else out there who was meant to be my sole mate, the love of my life? Or should I just stop being stubborn and admit that I'd already found him and would be an idiot to let him go?

"I finally acknowledged to myself that if I walked away from Ned, I'd only be spiting myself and making myself miserable. And I know Ned long enough to know that he's been fully committed to changing and improving our relationship; as we've gone through this process, he's shown me nothing less."

"I'm really glad that you chose me, sweetheart." Ned kissed her forehead again. "Because I know that you are the only one for me, and you'll always be."

"Have you moved back into the house yet, Ned?"

Ned nodded. "Yes—this week."

"And how have things been so far?"

"Good," Nancy answered without hesitating. "It's been really nice having Ned around. I missed him, more than I'd ever let myself admit."

"Any arguments, disagreements?"

When they both shook their heads, Sol chuckled. "I figured. You're both aware that this is still a honeymoon phase, right?"

"Yeah," Ned admitted. "I mean, we're acting ‘real' with each other now, but things are almost _too_ perfect. There haven't really been any reasons for us to get annoyed or angry with each other."

"I think we should use this session as a refresher about how you two can express your anger or frustration with each other and settle those disagreements in a healthy, constructive way. What we don't want to happen is for the two of you to get settled into an approximation of your old relationship and begin to fight the way you used to. So, let's see if you both remember what we've talked about." Sol leaned back in his chair and regarded Nancy and Ned with a neutral expression on his face. 

Nancy started things off. "When I'm upset, I need to tell Ned how I'm feeling and why, rather than holding things in and then blowing up later on. I can't hold on to resentments and then have them build up and spill out—it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me."

"That's a good start," the therapist praised her lightly.

Ned answered next. "When we're arguing, we need to stick to the topic at hand. If the issue is about me leaving the toilet seat up, I can't yell back at her about the other guys she used to flirt with."

Both Sol and Nancy chuckled. "That's right—and I'm sure that after all these years of marriage, Ned, you know you'll never win the toilet seat argument."

"I'm well aware," Ned grinned.

"That's the other thing," Nancy added. "We should always try our best to have calm, rational conversations about problems, instead of resorting to screaming matches and name-calling. And if we do start to raise our voices, one or both of us should stop, take a deep breath, and reboot."

"If things do get heated between us, despite our best efforts, we should immediately apologize—and mean it." 

"Great," Sol told Ned. "Keep going, you two."

"I can't threaten Ned with my father's wrath whenever he's done something to upset me. I need to be more of a grown-up when it comes to my dad, because while he's important to me, my priority needs to be my husband and our marriage."

Ned patted her knee. "Thank you, baby. That means a lot to me. And it's important that when we have discussions about tough topics, we aren't saying things like, ‘You always do this,' or ‘You need to…'.  Instead, we need to say, ‘It hurts me when you…'."  

Nancy spoke up again. "We also need to continue to act like partners, by talking things out and ensuring that each of us feels valued and that our opinions and feelings hold merit. It's important that neither of us feels like the other is running the show. Sometimes we'll need to compromise, and neither of us should think that it makes us weak to do so."

"Right." Ned nodded his agreement. "We shouldn't take each other for granted, either. I need to keep telling Nancy that I love her and appreciate her, and show her through the things I do and the way I treat her. And if I want to buy her a gift from time to time, it's okay—just as long as I'm not using it to try to buy her love or fidelity or approval."

"And when Ned gives me those gifts, I need to appreciate the spirit in which they're given." Nancy squeezed her husband's hand and he squeezed back. 

"I also can't go flying off the handle and overreact when a guy looks at my wife or tries to hit on her. I need to trust her and what we have together and not automatically assume that she's going to cheat on me or leave me."

"I need to do the same. If a hot girl starts coming on to Ned, I need to have faith in my husband and in our relationship and trust that he's not going to walk out on me."

"I'm not going anywhere, baby." He turned to her and planted a soft kiss on her lips.

"And sex?"

"We shouldn't use it to avoid difficult discussions or as a way to try to control each other," Ned replied. "Sex should be a way to have fun with each other and be close."

"When we make love, it should be because we enjoy being together and want to express our feelings for each other," Nancy added.

"Wow—you guys really have been paying attention over the last few weeks! I'm impressed!" Sol told them with a grin. "Now, let me ask you this. Are there any other topics that you would like us to talk about today, maybe ones that we've already covered but you think require further discussion? Or, perhaps topics that we never got around to discussing but you would like to talk through?"

Both Nancy and Ned remained silent for a full minute, thinking hard. In reality, there was something that Nancy wanted to bring up but had never quite had the courage to talk about before. Now she was almost nervous about mentioning it, but she was afraid to let it fester. The words were on the tip of her tongue and Nancy didn't want to hold them in any longer.

"Ned, it really upsets me when you watch porn."

"Nan, I—"

"No, please let me finish, okay?" Nancy was careful not to color her words with any rancor, and Ned nodded slowly. 

"When I think about you getting off from watching some other woman have sex, it upsets me. Those girls are fake," she cupped her hands out and away from her breasts, "and they look nothing like me. I don't understand why you find that sexy, Ned."

"I know you probably won't believe me, Nan, but it's not about you. Like most guys, I'm very visual—I like pictures. I mean, I'm in advertising, where it's all about the image." She smiled at that, and Ned continued. "And you know that I love seeing you in lingerie—or without it."

"Oh, I'm well aware. But it just bothers me that you get off on watching women who are getting paid to act excited and have their bodies used by strangers. You've told me during therapy that I'm enough for you and that you find me sexy, but…"

Ned cupped her chin in his hand. "And I do, sweetheart. You are the sexiest, most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. My enjoyment of porn has nothing to do with your body—which I think is smokin'. I just happen to think that it's hot to watch other people having sex."

"Especially when those people are two women." Nancy was trying hard to stay calm during their conversation, but even she could hear the tension in her voice. 

 "I'm sorry," her husband sighed. "I can't help it; the idea of two women together turns me on. Lots of guys feel that way."

"I know they do. But it upset me when you tried to convert that fantasy into reality."

"Nancy, during previous sessions you had mentioned that Ned had tried to pressure you into a threesome with Carly. Were there other situations when he tried to get you to have sex with another woman?" Sol asked.

"No," she admitted. "But he's brought it up plenty of times. I know he was teasing, but I feel like there was an undercurrent of seriousness there. If I had said yes, he would've taken me up on it in a heartbeat."

"Not if you weren't comfortable with it," Ned spoke up. "Really—no matter how much I wanted it, I would never have forced you into something you didn't want."

"You wouldn't have forced me, that's true. If I'd ever have said yes—and let me make it clear, I never would have—it would only have been to make you happy. And then I would've been miserable afterwards."

"Ned, is that true? Did you frequently mention bringing another person into the bed you shared with Nancy?"

"Not frequently, but…" As Ned's voice trailed off, Nancy looked down at her hands, focusing on the chipped polish on her thumb. "It was definitely more than once, and not just related to Carly, either."

"Before we even moved to California, we got drunk at our friends' house and when we came home, Ned told me all about this little fantasy he had about being with me and a celebrity." Nancy felt her stomach twist at the memory.

"Could the fact that it was a celebrity mean that it wasn't really grounded in reality?"

"I'd be inclined to agree with you, Sol, if my husband hadn't first mentioned one of my best friends as being the third in this little _ménage a trois_. And if he hadn't brought it up again at the time he was involved with Carly."

"Nan, it didn't mean that I think about Bess, or George, like that. George is a girl, by the way," he added hastily as an aside to the therapist. "I don't—I swear to you. I'm not trying to defend myself, but I always pictured you as being part of the threesome because I think you're so sexy and you are look so damn gorgeous and sensual when you're having sex. Being able to fully watch you experience that pleasure would be… hot."

"I understand that you see it as a compliment, Ned, but the idea of having someone else share in something so intimate between us feels wrong to me. The thought of another woman touching you or kissing you or making love to you is devastating, and having to watch it would make me sick.

"What I _don't_ understand is how someone who was as jealous as you were would like the idea of someone touching me and kissing me in my most private places, places that you were the only one to see or touch. It wouldn't make you angry or hurt to watch someone else giving me an orgasm? To know that someone else would see what I look like when I climax, when you've been the only one who knows me that intimately?"  Nancy fought to keep an even tone and to express her feelings without shouting or attacking her husband. 

Ned paused, considering. "I… Shit. Shit. I think it's more the idea of being with two naked women and one of them pleasuring my beautiful, sexy wife. Emotionally, I don't know how I'd feel; I've only ever thought about the physical aspects. Like I said, I'm a guy who appreciates the visual." 

Sol cleared his throat. "No matter how much you love each other and no matter how important we know compromise is in a healthy relationship, there are always going to be things that each of you will consider as being _verboten_. And that's okay. It wouldn't be okay if one of you does something that violates your basic tenets just to please your partner.

"Ned, if Nancy has made it clear to you that she is not interested in introducing a third person into your sexual relationship, then that needs to be the end of it. No more mentioning it, even jokingly. It's apparent that Nancy feels uncomfortable when you talk about it and she feels like you're trying to pressure her."

"Okay," Ned replied immediately. "Baby, I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you and I won't bring it up again. I promise."

She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."

"So, can we discuss something that's on my _no way in hell_ list?"

Sol chuckled. "Nancy?"

"Of course, Ned. You listened when I spoke, and now it's your turn. Go ahead."

"Okay, fine. I'm just gonna come right out with it. Period sex."

Nancy's first instinct was to roll her eyes, but she was proud of herself for quashing it. "It's a biological thing, Ned. Once a month, I get my period."

"Right, but the thought of having sex with you while you're on your period freaks me out, Nan. I know it's stupid and immature, but I can't help it. Seeing your… blood on my… dick… would freak me the fuck out."

"Why, though? It's normal and natural and it wouldn't hurt me. People do it all the time, or so I've heard."

"The idea of it just bothers me. And I don't think it makes you unclean, or dumb shit like that, but still… the idea of it bothers me." He actually shuddered, and Nancy didn't know if she was amused or annoyed by it. 

"But we've never tried it, Ned. Are you saying that you don't even want to try, even if we used a condom so you wouldn't be in direct contact with me?"

"I'd be scared of hurting you."

"Having my period doesn't hurt me there, honey. And even if I had cramps, orgasms are supposed to help relieve them."

"Sol?" Ned appealed to their therapist, who chuckled.

"Ned, is this something you just don't want to do because you're afraid of the unknown, or is it something that's totally off the table, something you don't ever want to try? Be honest."

Nancy watched Ned think. "I don't ever think I'd be comfortable enough to try it. Honey, I'm sorry, I just can't. It's a weird hang-up, I know, but I can't. It's off the table."

She nodded slowly. "Okay. Then I'll respect that and won't ask for it again."

"Hey, I may change my mind one day—and if I do, you'll be the first to know."

"I guess it depends on how horny you get," she teased, and she was relieved when Ned laughed.

"Probably," he admitted.

"Just in case you were holding out hope, I won't change my mind on the threesome thing, Ned. Sorry."

"It's okay, Nan. Sex shouldn't upset you; it should be fun and enjoyable for both of us."

"So, can we talk about the porn again?" 

He chuckled. "You really hate it that much?"

She nodded. "I do. I mean, I know that it's natural and a guy thing, but I just… hate it."

"Okay. I will try my best not to watch it when you're in the house, and when you aren't."

Nancy leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you. I appreciate that."

Ned kissed her cheek in return, but she could tell that he still had something else on his mind. "Is there something else you want to talk about?"

 "Yeah." He paused. "Yeah, I do. It's about your job. And we have talked about it before during therapy, but I feel like I need to say this."

She braced herself. "Go ahead."

"Now, I'm not going to tell you to stop doing what you love, as nervous as I am about the amount of danger that comes along with it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone you. After all, I'm frustrated every day working at that damn insurance company, impatiently waiting for my ad agency to get off the ground so I can go back to doing work that makes me feel fulfilled."

"I know you are," Nancy sympathized. "I hate seeing you so miserable about your job—but you're so close to getting the agency open, honey! Just a little longer!"

"I know, but the waiting is so damn hard. And seeing you so happy about your job just spurs me on even more. You… Nan, you're so damn good at what you do; it's a part of who you are. No matter how hard it is for me not to worry about you when you're on a case, I'm so, so proud that my wife is such an amazing investigator. Your intelligence and your perseverance are some of the qualities that I love best about you."

"Thank you, Ned, but I feel like there's a _however_ on the horizon," Nancy remarked warily.

"There is." Ned agreed, nodding. "Nan, I know how important your job is to you and I would never want to hold you back—that wouldn't be fair to you. But I just want you to make me feel like I'm your priority, too. I don't want to feel like I come in second anymore."

She chose her words carefully, still feeling slightly ashamed that she'd actually made her husband doubt his place in her life. "Ned, I am so sorry that I made you feel that way in the past. And yeah, my job is important to me, but not as important to me as you are." The smile he gave her made her heart melt.  "I learned that the hard way during the months we were apart. I had my job but my life felt empty without you in it.

"So I promise that from now on, I'll do whatever I can to show you that you're my main priority. Not my job, not my friends, not my father… _you_ , Ned. You are my partner in life, and you are more important to me than any case or investigation. Now and forever."

"Thank you, Nan. I'll promise the same to you. I'm excited to start my agency but I won't let our relationship become consumed by my job. Never again will I put work before you and our marriage. You are everything to me, sweetheart, and I don't ever want you to forget that."  He gently pressed his lips to hers, and Nancy savored the sweetness of his kiss.

Sol discreetly cleared his throat and they reluctantly pulled apart. "Well, I think this is a great way to end our session tonight. I have to say that you both did a really great job talking things out. I think that you two are now well-equipped to navigate most of the potential pitfalls and issues that may come up in your relationship. However, this is not to say that there won't be times that you'll shout at each other or encounter a situation that you just don't know how to resolve without arguing.

"Which is why I think we should continue to meet, only with less frequency. Maybe we make it once every other week, or once a month—whatever the both of you feel comfortable with. Then, eventually, we'll drop it down to every three to six months, maybe once a year. Consider it like a tune-up for your car—just because you think it's running great, it doesn't mean there aren't potential problems lurking under the hood."

Nancy and Ned both laughed.

"I'm on board," Ned answered. "I think it would be good for us."

"Same here," Nancy echoed. "And maybe we can make the sessions a little less…formal. We can still come here to meet, but we can bring dinner. Besides, you've been so great with helping us to make our marriage work again, Sol, that it would be nice for us to treat you to a meal. If that's not against your rules or anything," she added quickly.

Sol chuckled. "It's not, and I think that's a great idea. Why don't you the two of you talk it over and then call me when you're ready to make your next appointment?"

Nancy and Ned eagerly agreed, and when the three of them rose to stand, Nancy spontaneously leaned forward, giving Sol a brief hug.

"Thank you," she told him quietly. "Thank you so much for giving us back to each other, Sol." Tears began forming in her eyes.

Sol shook his head. "You two did all of the hard work; I was just the one who helped you navigate the rough terrain. I must admit that you two are on the list of my favorite clients—because of that, I'm very happy that you've reconciled. I was rooting for you all along." He winked at them.

"We owe you so much," Ned replied. "I love Nancy with all of my heart, and if I'd lost her forever, I would have been devastated. If I hadn't been able to spend the rest of my life with her…"

Nancy was touched when he shuddered at the very thought of it. "But now I'm lucky enough to have a second chance to grow old with the woman who now and always has been the love of my life. And I have you to thank for it, Sol." He also gave the therapist a quick hug, and Sol heartily clapped him on the back.

"No thanks necessary, Ned. Now, why don't you and your wife go and do something special to celebrate making it to this point?"

"That," Ned proclaimed, "is a great idea. What do you say, Nan?"

She smiled and linked her fingers through his. "I would love to, Ned. A late dinner at our favorite Mexican place again, maybe?"

He raised their joined hands to his lips, brushing them across her knuckles. "Perfect."

As they walked out the door, Nancy couldn't help but remember the first time they had entered this office. Back then, they had almost been different people, like strangers to each other, and she had felt such a sense of hopelessness and despair about the state of their marriage. Her anger had been all-consuming, as had her disappointment and heartbreak.

On that night, she never would have imagined they'd get to this night, to this place of happy reconciliation. It would have seemed beyond the realm of possibility that they'd leave their session and go out for a fun dinner, where they'd laugh and joke and likely pass their forks back and forth across the table.

Nancy looked over at her husband and marveled for the thousandth time at just how handsome he was. His dark hair was mussed and appeared almost black in the moonlight, and his square jaw was lightly stubbled with his five o'clock shadow. She shivered, unable to stop imagining him running that stubble against the sensitive place between her thighs. Suddenly, Nancy couldn't wait until they got home. 

_Home_. It truly was a home again now, now that Ned had come back to stay. 

\--

Ned sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Nancy stepped into her black high-heeled shoes and clipped in her earrings. 

She looked up. "What's up, honey?"

"Nothing. It's just nice to watch you getting dressed to go out. I used to do it all the time, and I just remembered how much I missed it."

Nancy smiled, coming over to sit on his lap. "I missed it, too."

"You look so gorgeous tonight. Makes me wish that we were staying in tonight so we could spend the night in bed." He raised his eyebrows lasciviously as his hand crept up the back of her long-sleeved black lace shirt.

"Behave," she told him, rubbing the tip of her nose against his. "You can get your hands under my shirt when we come back home."

"I guess I can wait that long," Ned replied in a mock disappointed tone.

"All kidding aside, are you still okay with us going out with the girls tonight?"

Bess had invited Nancy to go with her and George to an upscale burger and wine bar that had just opened the previous month. Nancy hadn't wanted to leave Ned behind on a Saturday night, especially since he'd just moved in, which is why he would be joining them for dinner.

According to Nancy, the girls were eager to see him again after so long; he suspected that the eagerness was coming entirely from Bess and that George was a little less enthusiastic.

From previous discussions with his wife, he knew that she'd talked about their marriage problems with her best friends. Ned understood that she'd needed a support system and didn't begrudge her for it, but he was also aware that he was potentially in for an awkward evening.  However, since Nancy was looking forward to the four of them getting together, just like they used to, he didn't have the heart to tell her no.

"It'll be fine," he now told her, kissing her lips. "It'll be fun to catch up—just like old times. Plus, I can't wait to show off my sexy wife in her tight jeans."  It was true; the jeans clung to her long, shapely legs and emphasized the gentle curve of her ass. 

Nancy smiled. "And I can't wait to show off my sexy husband. You look really good tonight, Nickerson." Her hands slipped under the hem of his black cotton sweater and grazed his abs, instantly causing his cock to twitch beneath his jeans.

"Hmmm, how long do we have to stay tonight?"

"For a few hours. Then you can bring me back home and do what you want to me. But right now," she stood up and Ned let out a groan of disappointment, "we have to get going. Our reservation is for eight and this place supposedly gets mobbed on the weekends—if we aren't there on time, they'll probably give our table to someone else."

"All right," he sighed. "But I fully intend to get you into bed as soon as we get back home."

Her grin was wide. "I can live with that."

\--

When they walked into the restaurant, Bess was already waiting in the vestibule. 

"Nan! Ned!" she squealed, lightly pushing through the crowd to give them hugs. "Ooh, it's been ages since the four of us have gotten together!"

After they exchanged greetings, they decided to sit down so they wouldn't lose their table waiting for George.  As they perused the menu and chatted about what to order, Ned felt himself start to relax. Bess was treating him just like she had in the past; maybe George would, too.

His optimism faded, however, when George showed up. She apologized for being late and hugged Nancy and Bess, but gave Ned a brief nod before settling into the chair across the table from his, virtually ignoring him as she scanned her menu.

Bess, obviously sensing the tension, shot Ned a smile. "You talked me into it, Ned—I'm going to go for the crab and shrimp burger with lemon-garlic aioli and a side of parmesan truffle fries."

Nancy also tried to diffuse the situation. "That sounds good—so good, in fact, that I think I'm getting the same thing. What about you, honey?" In plain view of George, she took Ned's hand, which was resting on the table, and squeezed it.

He squeezed back before putting down his menu. "I think I want the New England Patty Melt; it's topped with melted Vermont cheddar, apple cider-braised onions, and maple bacon, and they put it on homemade thick-sliced egg bread. Oh, and a side of chipotle sweet potato wedges."

"Yum," she replied, giving him a bright smile. "I'll need to taste that, and steal some of your fries."

Ned returned her smile. "My fries are your fries, babe."

When the waitress came by the table, Bess and George ordered drinks to go with their burgers, but Nancy opted for a soda.

"Are you sure, sweetheart? I'll be your DD tonight, if you want a few drinks."

His wife shook her head. "I'm fine, Ned."

Ned couldn't help but notice that the cousins were watching their interaction with avid interest, and he didn't know if George was glad or disappointed when he also placed an order for a cola.

Nancy and Bess kept the conversation going, chatting about old friends and the latest gossip, while George added a few comments here and there. He felt her eyes on him the entire time, as if she were just waiting for him to slip up and do something stupid. It probably should have annoyed him, but Ned understood why Nancy's friend was so fiercely protective of her.

As they finished their first round of drinks, Bess got up from her chair. "Excuse me, gang, but I need to use the ladies' room. What about you, Nan and George?"

Nancy also stood up. "I'll come, too. Be right back, honey." She bent down to press her lips to Ned's cheek.

"George, come join us in the ladies' room," Bess not-so-subtly tried to urge her cousin, who had remained seated.

To Ned's chagrin, George shook her head. "I'm fine, Bess.  You and Nan go on ahead."

Nancy looked at Ned as if gauging whether he'd be okay. When he gave her a slight nod, she shrugged, following Bess's lead as she made her way to the rear of the restaurant. He and George watched them walk away, and Ned tried to keep his gaze from lingering on his wife's ass in her tight jeans.

Once they were out of sight, George swiveled her head to face him. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it.

"Out with it, Fayne," Ned told her. "Come on, I know you've been biting your tongue all night."

She took a swallow of her Long Island iced tea. "Look, Nickerson, you know I'm a straight arrow—I don't like to pull punches and I don't like bullshit."

"I'm well aware," he replied. "And we've been friends long enough that I hope you'll say what is obviously on your mind."

"We have been," George acknowledged, toying with her straw. "But I've been friends with Nan longer. And while she's willing to forget and forgive you for all of the ways you fucked her over, I have a longer memory. My loyalty is to her—and you _hurt_ her, Ned. She left her entire fucking life behind to follow your ass to California, and _you_ repaid her by cheating and snorting cocaine and drinking yourself into oblivion."

Ned flinched, though he knew he had it coming. "George, I will never be able to apologize to Nan enough for the way I behaved. And I consider myself the luckiest bastard in the world that she was generous and forgiving enough to take me back."

"Oh, you are, believe me. Frankly, I think it was a mistake—and I've told her that, point-blank."

For one split second, Ned craved a scotch, the mellow warmth that would seep into his veins and relax him after that first delicious sip. He quickly shut down the impulse. "I'm not surprised. I figured as much."

"I don't want Nancy to be unhappy, because I love her. And the fact that she's had to go through all of the bullshit you've put her through pisses me off, Nickerson. You know that she's not a crier, that she doesn't like to be ruled by her emotions. You _know_ that she had her doubts about marriage and that she was scared to be tied down.

"So you finally got her to _want_ to settle down, you made her think that she could have a future with you and a happy ending. Only to have you rip the rug out from under her and throw everything into chaos." George sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest as she regarded him angrily.

Now that it appeared that her tirade had ended, Ned spoke. "I love her too, George. That's why I came back, why I stayed. Trying to put our marriage back together has been the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. But I couldn't walk away from it because I couldn't walk away from her. I could have given up a long time ago, I could have just gone back to L.A. and started over, but I haven't. 

"And I don't want credit for that," he continued when George snorted. "I'm not asking for a medal. I'm just saying that the reason I'm still here is because I love Nancy. I know that we're meant to be together and I love her more than anyone or anything in the world. I will never, ever do anything to make her feel unloved or make her feel like she's not my number-one priority again. As long as it is within my power, I will do my damnedest every single day to make sure that I never hurt her again."

 "It all sounds good and you've been behaving over the last few months, but I can't help but be skeptical. I'm sorry, but why should I believe that you've reformed? That you're not gonna take up with the next slut who flirts with you in line at Starbucks or the next bimbo who smiles at you from across a crowded El train?"

"Because I know what the stakes are this time around, George. I understand just how close I came to having Nancy walk out of my life forever without a second glance—and there is _nothing_ worth risking that again."

"The words sound nice, Ned, but I'm gonna admit that you're still on probation with me. If I even get one hint that you've reverted back to the asshole that you became in L.A., I'm telling Nancy to dump your ass—for good this time."

"And that's fair," Ned told her, not blinking as he looked at his wife's friend. "If I've somehow done something to fuck up again, then I don't deserve to keep her. But I'm telling you right now, George; you have absolutely nothing to worry about."

"I'd better not," she warned him, though to Ned's intense relief, he could see a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

Just then, Nancy and Bess came back to the table, and Ned didn't miss the concerned look on his wife's face as she slid into the booth next to him.

"Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, baby," he replied, kissing Nancy on the cheek. "Did you want another cola?"

"Well, _I_ could use another mango martini!" Bess bubbled, after taking a quick sidelong glance at her cousin. "It's so nice for us all to be together that I feel like celebrating!"

"Bess, you always want to celebrate," George told her, and Ned was glad to hear the good humor return to her voice. 

"I can't help it—I'm a naturally festive kind of girl! Come on, let's get another round so I can tell you all about the new guy I'm seeing. I know I've said this before, but I think he's the one!"

Nancy giggled. "The one until the next one comes along, you mean?"

"Oh, hush," Bess told her good-naturedly. "He's super-nice _and_ ridiculously hot. Plus, he's a doctor, so he's smart, too."

"Bess hasn't told you that he's a dermatologist," George cut in. "The fact that he can give a discount on skin creams is part of his allure, I'm sure."

"I have perfect skin and you know it, dear cousin," Bess shot back. "He even told me so himself. So there."

"Uh huh. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he was trying to get you out of your clothes."

"Why are you always so cynical?" Bess chided her cousin. "He's smart and funny and not an asshole. You should be happy for me."

"I'm trying, but his name is Hunter Worthington—it's very difficult for me not to judge him in advance as a douchebag just from his name alone."

Nancy and Ned laughed and George made a face at them.

"Come on, George; we should at least meet him first before we decide whether he's a douche. At least give him that courtesy," Nancy piped up.

"Keep it up, you guys, and you won't ever meet him at all," Bess warned, and Ned could tell that she was only half-kidding.

"You know we'll all be on our best behavior," he soothed her.

"I'm not as worried about you and Nan as I am about this one over here." Bess jerked her thumb in her cousin's direction.

"Calm down, Bess—I'll be good. I swear it," George vowed, but Ned could see that her eyes were gleaming with mischief.

"Why don't I believe you?"

Nancy took a sip of her soda. "It'll be fine," she reassured Bess. "And if George gets out of line, I'll kick her under the table."

"If he starts talking about Botox and shit like that, you won't be able to kick me hard enough."

\-- 

The rest of their dinner was uneventful – George seemed to have thawed somewhat towards Ned, but she definitely still wasn't treating him with the same comfortable familiarity she'd had in the past.

After they paid for their meals and walked out of the restaurant, Bess had insisted that they make plans again in the near future. Despite their kidding earlier, she still wanted her friends to meet Hunter and thought it would be fun if George also brought the guy she was currently seeing so the six of them could hang out. Nancy, Ned and George all agreed, and Bess promised to get back to them with a night that would work. 

Ned had just pulled out of the restaurant's parking lot when Nancy asked him about what had happened when she and Bess had gone to the ladies' room.

"So, how terrible was George to you?"

He laughed as he made a right turn. "I can't believe you waited two whole minutes before asking me, Nan."

"I'm sorry, but I've been anxious about it all night. I hated to leave you alone with her, but it would've looked dumb if I sat back down after saying that I had to go to the bathroom."

He pulled up to a red light and turned his head to grin at her. "It was fine, babe, I promise. George was pissed at me and I don't blame her. If the tables were turned and one of my friends was married to a woman who did the shit I did to you, I'd want to put her on the hot seat, too."

Nancy groaned. "I'm sorry, Ned."

"Don't be, Nan. I already expected it, so I wasn't terribly surprised that she wanted to nail my ass to the wall." When the light changed, Ned hit the gas and signaled to turn off onto the highway ramp that led towards home.

"It's not her place to do that, though," she protested. "If I forgave you, then she should have nothing to say about it."

"We both know George long enough and well enough to know differently. She's tough to get close to, but when she takes you inside her heart, she's fiercely loyal. And that's why she wanted to tell me exactly why she thought you were making a mistake; it killed her to see how badly I'd hurt you, and she wanted to protect you from experiencing that pain again. I can't fault her for it, sweetheart. She loves you almost as much as I do, and she's a good friend to you."

"I know, but you're my husband, Ned. What happened between us should have stayed between us; I never should have brought her and Bess into our marriage. I'm sorry."

Ned reached over and covered her hand with his. "Don't apologize. You needed comfort and support, and they provided it. They love you and want what's best for you. I get that."

Nancy stroked his hand with her thumb. "What's best for me is you, Ned. And however much I love Bess and George, they need to respect my choice to stay with you. If they can't…"

"They do and they will. You saw that Bess was her usual bubbly, sweet self."

She chuckled. "I have to admit that she's been rooting for us from the start. Don't get me wrong, she was shocked and upset when she heard about the things that happened, but she was also the one who told me that I needed to listen to my heart and that I shouldn't walk away from what you and I had built over all of these years."

"I always knew she was a smart woman," Ned teased.

She playfully swatted at his arm. "And George…"

"She'll come around, sweetheart. Please don't let this come between you and her. Once she sees with her own two eyes that I'm fully committed to making things right, she'll warm to the idea of us staying together. I know it."

They stuck to lighter topics on the rest of the drive home, and Ned loved it when put her hand on his upper thigh, just like she used to when they would head back home after a fun night out.

The minute they walked into the house, Nancy stepped out of her shoes and climbed up three steps of the staircase before turning to look back at Ned. "Can I ask you something?"

Ned was surprised by her question but nodded. "Of course, baby. Ask away."

"Were you tempted to drink tonight?"

It would be easy to lie to her, to avoid mentioning the sudden powerful craving that he'd had while talking to George. But that would be a mistake, and Ned knew it. He walked over to the staircase and sat on the step below the one where she was standing, patting it. Nancy took the hint and sat down next to him.

"Yes, but not in the way that you think. It didn't come from watching Bess with her martini or George with her Long Island iced tea."

"So what caused it, then?" Her tone only held curiosity, not recriminations.

"When George was grilling me, I felt this… _urge_ for a scotch. It was because I felt nervous and the pressure was getting to me; I wanted something that would take away those feelings, something that would numb me and help me to cope."

"But you didn't get a drink."

He shook his head, putting his arm around her shoulders. "No. Because then I remembered that I might not be able to stop at just one. And that numbness would only serve to make me forget what I would lose if I went down that path again. I need to feel things and I need to learn how to handle the pressure of stressful situations. Drinking isn't the answer."

"What about drugs? Did you also get the urge to do coke tonight?"

He shook his head again, vehemently this time. "Not at all, and I can't even tell you the last time I felt that craving or felt that I needed a hit or a line to help me get through the day.  It's just not anything I want or need anymore. Besides, I saw who I turned into on coke, and I can't stand the thought of being that man again."

She leaned over and pressed her lips to his. "I'm really glad you told me—that you were honest with me. I'm proud of you."

Ned smiled at her, pleased. "Thank you, sweetheart. It means a lot to hear you say that. And I think there will come a day when I'll be able to have just one drink. But I don't want to rush it, and I don't want to have that drink just to stop a craving.

"In the meantime, though, I don't want you to feel like you can't ever drink in front of me. It didn't bother me on the night of your birthday, and it wouldn't have bothered me tonight, either. I don't want to keep you from enjoying yourself."

She kissed him again. "I was fine, Ned. Consider it a show of solidarity."

Ned returned her kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too. I just wish…"

Nancy sighed and Ned nudged her with his shoulder. "What do you wish, sweetheart?"

"That I could just wave a magic wand and make all of the bad shit go away. No more struggling for you, no more awkwardness with our friends…"

"I don't." When she gave him a look of surprise, he elaborated. "If all of that bad shit disappeared, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how far we've come and where we are now."

"You're very smart, do you know that?"

"I know that I was smart enough to pick an amazing wife." 

"I married a charmer." They kissed again.

"Our friends will come around. I told you how understanding Mike was when he and I went out a few weeks ago. I shared everything with him—my drinking and drug use, the miscarriage… 

"I was nervous about it, but he was great; he just listened and was totally nonjudgmental. Do I wish that he and I were as close as we used to be? Of course. But that will come in time. I have faith."

Nancy rubbed his knee in a gesture of reassurance. "And you're working on that relationship. By the way, are he and Jan still coming over this week to watch the game?"

"They are," Ned confirmed. "Do you think you'll be up to talking about her pregnancy, though? I know that Mike will have told her about the miscarriage, so I'm sure she'll be sensitive, but they'll probably be so excited about the baby that it'll be hard for them to hold back."

"I can't avoid them forever, Ned." She gave him a sad smile. "And I _am_ genuinely happy for Jan and Mike. Yeah, it'll be tough, but I'll get through it. Besides, I'll have you here to comfort me after they leave."

"I will do my best," he vowed, rubbing the tip of his nose against hers.

"And speaking of comfort… I know you've had a very stressful evening, Mr. Nickerson." Nancy's hand inched up his leg to rest on his thigh, and Ned could feel his groin tighten from the contact.

"It's been very hard, Mrs. Nickerson."

She grinned at the double entendre. "Poor baby. What can I do to make it better?"

Ned nipped at her neck, making her squeal. "Take off that sexy outfit and get into bed."

"Don't you want to take it off of me yourself?" she purred.

"I'm not fussy." His hand cupped her breast through her shirt and he heard her let out a little moan as he rubbed his thumb over her nipple. "As long as you get naked, I don't really care how it happens."

Nancy's hand drifted up higher on his thigh. "Have we ever fucked on the stairs?"

"No, and I have to admit I'm a little tempted. But what if we fall down?"

"Good point." Fast as lightning, she stood up. "Then I'll just have to race you upstairs!" She shot up the stairs and Ned followed, taking two steps at a time.

By the time Ned burst through the bedroom door, Nancy was already down to her bra and panties.

"That's one hell of a sight, baby," he drawled, leaning against the doorjamb, looping his thumbs in his belt loops. "Show me more."

She gave him a flirtatious smile. "What do you want to see?"

"Take it all off. Show me that spectacular body."

Nancy began to push the straps of her bra down her arms, reaching for the clasp at the back. Just when he thought she was about to undo it, she moved her hands down to the waistband of her skimpy black lace bikini panties, inching them ever-so-slowly down her hips.

"Tease," Ned told her, still standing in the doorway.

"Mmm, I have been so turned on all night," she replied breathily.

"Yeah? Me too, gorgeous." Ned's cock had already been stirring beneath his jeans; now it was becoming fully erect as she slid her panties down a little more, leaving her crotch still covered.

Nancy gave him a flirtatious smile. "I'm almost naked but you're still dressed. That's a problem."

"Watch and see how fast I can take care of that." He hastily undid the buttons of his shirt and unfastened his jeans, then pushed down his boxers, leaving a trail of clothes as he made his way to where his wife was standing.

"Better," she told him, a wicked gleam in her blue eyes.

He reached behind her and unclasped her bra, then yanked down her panties before sliding his arms around her waist. The feel of her naked body against his, her hard nipples against his chest and his cock against her soft stomach, made him even more aroused than he'd been before.  He caressed her ass with his open palms and began kissing up and down the side of her neck.

"So good," she sighed, relaxing against him.

"Do you want to use one of our toys tonight?" Ned's voice was muffled as he continued running his lips and tongue against her skin.

She shook her head, the tips of her reddish-blonde hair brushing against his cheek. "I used those enough when we were apart. Now I just want my husband."

Ned released her, pushing aside the covers on their bed and lying down on his back. "I'm yours, gorgeous."

Nancy climbed on top of him, and the gentle pressure of her weight on top of him as they kissed felt so good; the little sounds of pleasure she was making were driving him crazy with desire. His tongue slid against hers insistently as his hands roamed over her back and ass.

Just when he thought he couldn't wait any longer, she leaned over and opened the nightstand drawer, pulling out a foil packet.  She knelt over him, her knees on either side of his hips.

"I'm sorry—I still want to use one of these." Nancy flipped the condom packet from side to side, an apologetic look on her face. 

He still wished that they could be skin to skin while they made love, but he understood his wife's reluctance. "It's okay, Nan; as long as we get to do this, I'm not going to complain."

She gave him a sexy smile, then tore open the packet before sliding the condom onto him in one fluid motion. As Nancy slowly lowered herself onto him, they both sighed with pleasure.

Once he was sheathed entirely inside her, Ned reached up and tweaked her nipples. She moaned, arching her back as she slowly began to ride him. Her hips rolled with each thrust, her breasts bouncing as she slid up and down on him, and she kept making incredibly hot sounds to signal her enjoyment.

Her slick heat felt deliciously snug against his cock and he was tempted to close his eyes and just feel, but the idea of watching her gorgeous body undulate over his as she took his cock and seeing the look of total and complete arousal on her face was entirely too strong to resist. Ned took one hand and brought it down to where they were joined to stroke her clit, and Nancy trembled, panting.

"So sexy," he muttered. "You look so sexy when you're fucking me, baby."

"Ned," she moaned, arching her back even more.

"That's right, baby – tell me. Tell me how good it feels to fuck me, sweetheart," he coaxed her through gritted teeth.

She clenched her pussy around him and Ned groaned as his fingers continued to stroke her clit. "Like that, sexy. Fuck, you are so good at this."

Nancy cried out his name again and began to slam down onto of him, making her thrusts deeper and faster.  He arched up so he could suck on her hard-tipped breasts. "Your nipples taste so good and I can't wait to eat out that delicious pussy, baby. Until you're screaming."

"Shit," she panted, her breath hitching as she went even faster. "God, I'm about to come."

"Then come, sweetheart. Come while you're riding my cock. Let go, Nan." He jerked his hips upwards and drove his cock all the way inside her.

She tilted her head all the way back, exposing the column of her throat, as she let out a loud and lusty scream. "Yes! Oh God yes, Ned. Fuck!"

Thankfully, Nancy kept moving as she rode out her climax; Ned, unable to stand the torture of waiting anymore, grabbed her hips and gave one more hard surge, releasing a guttural moan as he spent himself inside the condom.

Finally, her movements slowed, until she eased herself off him and collapsed on her side next to him.  Nancy was still breathing fast as she threw one leg over his knees and pressed her still-flushed face to his chest.  After a long moment, she silently stripped the condom off him and tossed it onto the nightstand.

Ned reached out to stroke her hair. "You okay, baby?"

She nodded wordlessly, wrapping her arm around his waist.

"That was so good, sweetheart. It felt so good to be with you like that again," he whispered, moving his hand to run it up and down her spine, the flesh of her back damp with perspiration.

"I love you," she replied, her voice muffled by his skin.

"I love you, too, baby. And I had such a nice time tonight."

Nancy raised her head and kissed him. "So did I. I love that things are getting back to the way they used to be—dinner with our friends, followed by lovemaking in our own bed. I never really appreciated that kind of stuff until we didn't have it anymore."

"Me too, sweetheart. And I will never take it for granted again." He returned her kiss. "But…"

"But?" She raised one reddish-blonde eyebrow as she looked down at him.

"I have to admit that I'm kind of intrigued by the idea of fucking you on the stairs. I wouldn't have thought of it before, but now that you put it into my head?"

She laughed. "As long as you can figure out a way for us to do it without killing ourselves, I'm willing to give it a try."

"Maybe next weekend, sweetheart."

"You have yourself a deal." 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

The computer screen was beginning to blur in front of her. Nancy sighed and sat back, squeezing her eyes tight shut for a moment before she yawned. An hour's time zone difference shouldn't have made so much difference, but the past forty-eight hours had been incredibly busy. She had flown to Washington, D.C. the day before on a case and had spent her first night away from Ned since he had moved back in, and had flown back to Chicago only a few hours before. It was hard enough to sleep on the road, and while she had learned how to catch her sleep when she could, she had still missed him intensely.

When she stretched, her hands cupping her hips, her thumb grazed her incision wound and she grimaced. Before putting in the GPS-trackable implant, Ray had warned her that the technology was new—and the power supply required to make the system worthwhile was rather large. The implant he had given her was dormant until activated to save on power, but she was still strangely _aware_ of it. She supposed that she always would be, really. Ned had made good on his promise to buy her an incredible ice cream sundae after, though, and when she had been in Washington, they had given it a test run. Activating it had hurt a little—the flesh around her incision was still a bit tender—but Ned had reported happily that the signal came through.

He had been willing to hold her hand during the procedure. For a moment she had considered telling him that it was only fair for him to have one implanted as well—but that hadn't been their agreement, and the implant had been expensive. Brown had given her a slight pay bump for getting it, though. Illinois had outlawed an employer's right to demand GPS tracker implantation or any sort of RFID implantation in employees, but since Nancy had a global tracker implanted, as far as Brown was concerned she deserved the increase.

The sound of McMillan's voice approaching from outside Nancy's office made the hair on the back of Nancy's neck stand up. She took a deep breath, glancing over at the photograph of Ned on her desk. She had it out of sight, so no client could see it and comment on it or take out any anger on her husband; still, she had felt a little self-conscious about putting it out at work again. Just as she had known, the secretary who had found Ned so deliciously handsome when he had dropped off a letter for her had noticed it and commented enviously on it.

But he was her husband, and gazing at his gorgeous smiling face, now that they were officially back together—it sent a jolt of pure joy straight down her spine, one that even seeing McMillan's smirking expression couldn't erase.

Since she had been to Washington and back and her brain was practically fried, Nancy made a few more notes on the missing persons case she was investigating and recapped her pen. Any promising information had already been saved to a document on her computer, but Nancy sometimes favored physically writing down the information too; she was more visual, and it was easier for her to find patterns when she could rearrange and sort the information in front of her.

Before she left, she was sure to shut down her computer and belt her trenchcoat around her. The skies in Washington had been overcast, and the rain had begun in Chicago in early afternoon. The weather was miserable, but at least the roads weren't slick with ice, and the stiff breeze wasn't a freezing one.

She really didn't feel like making dinner. She called Ned as soon as she was in her car and they agreed to order delivery pizza. All she wanted was to cuddle up with him on their couch, and he heartily returned the sentiment.

When she hit a traffic snag, she twisted on the car stereo's dial and tuned to the local radio station for the next report. A male newscaster reeled off some quick news blurbs, sounding almost out of breath. "And we'll be right back with traffic on the ones."

Nancy glanced at the clock on her car stereo's dash as an advertisement played for a new club just outside Chicago, promising half-price drinks and free entrance for ladies before ten p.m. on Saturdays. Then the next commercial began.

"Are you a new mother? University of Chicago Medical Center is seeking participants for a new study..."

A baby cooed behind the narrator's voice, and Nancy could feel her heart in her throat as she stabbed the Seek button with a trembling finger. The next time she pressed her foot down onto the brake pedal, she did so a little harder than necessary, and her car squeaked to a stop.

The baby she had carried and lost was never that far from her thoughts, and even after the miscarriage Nancy had been surprised and saddened to find that in her head, she was still counting off the days until what would have been her due date. She had been troubled early in her pregnancy, but once she and Ned had decided to do their best to reconcile and make a stable home for their baby, she had read articles, looked at timelines, read all about when their growing child would have fingernails, would develop a heartbeat, would have fully-formed limbs, would begin to move and stretch in her belly. With each week, she heard it in the back of her head, which milestone she would have reached. _The baby would have had eyelashes by now. I probably would have been able to feel the baby kick this week._

Hosting the game viewing the week before, when Jan and Mike had come over, had gone as well as Nancy could have expected. Both of them had told Nancy how sorry they were for her loss, but Jan positively glowed—and Mike waited on her hand and foot, in a marked contrast to the way game viewing nights usually went. Nancy had known it would be hard to watch, but she had thought she could deal with it better than she had. After they had said goodbye to Ned's best friend and his wife, Nancy had quietly began crying in the kitchen while she started cleaning up. Ned had come up behind her and held her. He hadn't told her she was being foolish, or that she needed to calm down. Instead he had just stroked her hair and gently, quietly rocked her as she let it all pour out.

Nancy felt her mood sink, and she blamed her period for it. When her cycle had begun a few days earlier, she had been feeling irritable and upset, and the blood just felt like another reminder of the terrible night of her miscarriage. When she pulled up to their house she caught herself thinking the same kind of thoughts again. _It wouldn't have been long before we would have brought our baby home... and now we never will._

The rain was pouring and Nancy sat in her car for a few moments, trying to compose herself, hoping it would slack off a bit. She felt miserable, but Ned's car was home; she would be seeing him soon, and that made her take a deep breath and open her car door.

As soon as she stepped inside, Ned called to her from upstairs. "Hey, I'm up here—be right down. Man, it sounds like it's really coming down..."

She hung up her coat and toed out of her shoes, her overnight duffel bag still slung over her shoulder. Ned was just zipping up his jeans when she walked into their bedroom, and he started to say something else, but then he saw her face.

"Nan? What's wrong?"

She shook her head, afraid that if she opened her mouth she would just start sobbing. He came over to her, taking the bag out of her hands and putting it on the foot of their bed, and then he drew her into his arms and held her close.

"Are you okay? Did something happen?"

Nancy took a deep breath. "No," she murmured, wrapping her arms around him too. He felt so warm, so safe, and she still savored being able to hold him so often now. She had missed it so much. "I... it's nothing."

He smoothed her hair and kissed her temple. "I called in the pizza so it should be here soon," he murmured. "Do you want me to make you some tea or anything? Are you hurting?"

Nancy felt a wave of intense irritation for a moment, then forced herself to take a long deep breath. When Sol had said that it was easier for them to attack each other than anyone else, that it was easier for her to attack Ned because she knew he would take it—it was especially true now, now that they were reconciled and she knew that he had been almost desperate to have her back.

_And if you bury it, that's worse._

She tilted her head up to kiss the point of his jaw. "Tea would be great," she told him. "Let me just get changed and I'll be downstairs in a minute, okay?"

He nodded and planted a soft kiss against her lips, embracing her again before he went downstairs.

She cleaned off her makeup while standing in her underwear, shivering a little. After she toweled her face dry, she couldn't resist casting a glance at her reflection, and she frowned at what she saw there. She felt bloated, puffy and uncomfortable from her period, and she knew her husband wouldn't be having sex with her for the next few days. She felt the absolute opposite of desirable, and that made her feel worse.

Her old flannel pants fit her again, though, and she pulled on a henley shirt and socks and headed downstairs. Ned came into the living room with a mug in his hand, rhythmically dunking the tea bag as he gave her a smile.

Nancy blushed just a little. _Honeymoon phase_ really was an apt term for it; during their first honeymoon, she had been growing accustomed to living with someone else for the first time. She hadn't lived with _her_ Ned in what felt like a year and a half, and while she wasn't waiting for him to revert to the stranger he had been, she was still readjusting a little.

They settled down on the couch together, the television turned on but the volume low. Nancy took a long sip of tea, then let out a sigh. Ned had an arm draped around her shoulders, and when he reached over to drape the afghan over her lap, she smiled at him. He really was so thoughtful, and when they had been living apart, she had missed the way he had so easily taken care of her.

"I know this is going to sound stupid," she murmured. "I... I heard a commercial on the way home about expectant mothers and I just..." She shook her head.

"Oh... honey, I'm sorry."

She sniffled, and when she put her mug down on the coffee table and turned to him, he lifted her onto his lap and held her, her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and breathed him in, trying to keep herself from crying, but it was so hard.

"I know seeing Mike and Jan was tough," he murmured, stroking her back. "Having to see the way he treated her... God, I wanted so much to have that with you."

Nancy frowned, squeezing her eyes tight shut. A wave of tears slipped down her cheeks. "When she has her shower I'm going to lose my mind," she whispered. "Seeing her unwrap all those little outfits and toys..."

Ned made a soft sound, and when Nancy pressed her face against his neck and cried silently, he kept stroking her back. "I can't even imagine," he whispered. "I know this has to be hard for you, so much harder than it is for me."

"Mmm," Nancy murmured, then pulled back to look into his face. He tenderly wiped her wet cheeks, and his dark eyes were gleaming. "I'm so sorry, Ned."

Ned shook his head. "Don't be," he whispered. "I'm here with you, and I'm thankful for that every day. I missed you so much last night. I kept waking up just to make sure the past few weeks hasn't been a dream, that I wasn't really asleep in that apartment and just dreaming I was with you again..."

She gave him a small smile, then took a deep breath. "No," she said softly. "This is so much better than any dream I had. I missed you too, baby."

He searched her eyes. "My life is with you," he said softly. "It feels like it's finally starting again."

After Nancy finished her tea, she told him about her trip and asked how his planning was going. Ned was using all the contacts he had made in the business to network and help bring his agency to fruition, and Nancy was impressed again at hearing about the progress he had made. Nancy had at least been able to stay at a job that made her feel professionally fulfilled while she and Ned had been apart, and even though she had still been depressed, at least she had had that to hold onto. Ned's job at the insurance agency was boring and tedious on a good day, and soul-crushingly frustrating on a bad one; she could understand that the agency had given him something to focus on while they were apart, to give him some purpose even if they didn't end up together.

She knew how much he had loved working at the ad agency, both in Chicago and in Los Angeles. She knew he was excited about the new agency. But she found herself praying that once the new agency opened, the environment wouldn't trigger the same kind of behavior in him again. It would be a lot of stress and a lot of work, early on especially.

And Nancy knew that even if she did see him sliding toward it again, she would find it almost impossible to leave. She had been so depressed and upset while they had been living apart. That hadn't entirely passed, and she knew part of it was her lingering sadness over losing their baby, but she was feeling much, much better than she had before.

He was the love of her life.

_Before,_ she thought to herself, as Ned answered the doorbell and apologized to the pizza delivery guy for making him come out in the abysmal weather. _Before, when he worked here—it was a lot of work then too. And we were okay. We're here with our families again. We aren't alone and other people would notice if he started acting that way again. And if things get bad, at least he would probably listen to Sol, even if he wouldn't listen to me._

She felt awful, as though her worry was enough to bring that version of him back again. Like she was doubting him.

She wasn't. She knew she wasn't. And she was just as certain that it was possible; to deny it was to be naive, and she never wanted to be naive again. He had told her that he would most likely have managed to kill himself if she hadn't left when she did and given him that ultimatum. That was already too close for her comfort.

Even though they had been married and together during all their time in California, the rift between them had widened until crossing it had seemed impossible. But they had. She just had to make sure that didn't happen again. They had to make time for each other, and not just time to fuck and then fall asleep without talking.

Ned put the pizza and cheesesticks down on the coffee table, then went to the kitchen and returned with napkins, sodas and paper plates. Ned pulled two slices out of the pie; Nancy served herself one slice, then looked down at it.

She had been incensed when the doctor had insinuated that she might have an eating disorder, and she had worked hard to gain back the weight she had lost. When she felt depressed and bloated, though, it was hard for her to eat. She forced herself to peel a slice of pepperoni off the top and taste it.

"Did you change your mind, babe?" Ned had already eaten a full slice, save the crust.

Nancy shook her head, then gave him a small smile. "Sorry. Guess I'm not that hungry yet."

Ned wiped his mouth, then leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I know we have some other stuff in the pantry that I can make for you, if you'd rather have that," he offered. "But if you eat a slice or some soup, I'll go make you a bowl of ice cream. Hot fudge sauce and walnuts in syrup and a cherry on top. Deal?"

Nancy smiled. "And if I eat two slices?" she replied, her tone lightly teasing.

"Hmm. We'll just have to see what happens." He gave her a wink, then took a large bite of his second slice.

Nancy did manage to eat two slices of pizza, and half a cheesestick too. Ned made good on his promise, and prepared an elaborate bowl of ice cream for her, but she couldn't finish it, so he helped her out. She was still feeling tired from her flight and the long day, so she relaxed against him while he watched television, his hand rhythmically stroking her arm. She drifted off thinking about the missing-persons case she had been looking into at the end of her workday, and didn't realize that she had fallen asleep until Ned's shoulder moved. He was leaning forward to pick up the remote and turn off the television, and the room was suddenly quiet.

"You're worn out, huh," Ned murmured, settling back. "Ready to go to bed?"

"Mmm. Mmm-hmm."

"Well, I was going to give you a massage, since you ate _two_ pieces of pizza..."

"Mmm. Rain check?" she murmured, giving him a sleepy smile.

"Sure thing, sweetheart."

He put away the leftover pizza as Nancy slowly pulled herself up off the couch, then headed for the stairs. Ned joined her a few minutes later as she was brushing her teeth, her eyes already low-lidded.

When they were in bed, Ned didn't object to her snuggling up to him, and that made her feel even more relaxed. He might not like the idea of having sex with her while she was on her period, but at least he didn't treat her like she had the plague.

"Ned?" she whispered.

"Hmm, babe?" He was slowly stroking her hair.

"I'm not ugly anymore... am I?"

Ned shifted onto his side, his palm against her cheek. "Nancy, I swear to you... you were not ugly. You have never been ugly. You are beautiful now and you always have been, from the first moment I set eyes on you. I love you so much, sweetheart."

She met his eyes in the dim light and saw only adoration in his eyes, and when he kissed her, she wrapped her arm around him and returned it hard. She wished that they could make love, but being close to him made her feel almost euphoric, after all that time apart.

When they slowly parted, he gave her one more brief, soft kiss. "And I will never, never let you go, Nancy Drew Nickerson. Because you're my heart."

\--

The next morning, when Nancy's alarm went off, Ned woke with his usual erection. Nancy grumbled something and smacked her alarm to turn it off, then turned back toward her husband to cuddle up against him for a few more minutes. Ned closed his eyes, trying to think about anything else—especially not other mornings he had been able to turn to her and have sleepy morning sex with her.

She made a soft sound when he shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position, but any movement at all just seemed to make him more aroused. Thanks to his promise to her, although he had been tempted, he hadn't succumbed to the urge to watch porn while she was out of town. He had wondered if she exempted the video they had made from the list, since he would be getting off on literally watching her—but he hadn't been able to find it after a quick search.

So he was ready to explode, and was just imagining the relief it would be to take care of it in the shower in a few minutes—when Nancy's hand brushed his belly, and his cock jerked in answer.

"Mmm. Poor baby," she murmured, and when she brought her hand up to her mouth to lick her palm, Ned's skin tingled in anticipation. "Want me to...?"

"God, yes," he begged, carefully pushing his boxers down, and a moment later she had her slick palm wrapped around his cock. He closed his eyes as she began to stroke him, and she chuckled softly, but soon he was tense and panting harshly. After she brought him to release, it took him a long moment to open his eyes again. When he did, she was gazing at him, her head propped up, a soft smile on her lips.

"Mmm. God, that was good, sweetheart."

"Good," she murmured, then leaned down and kissed his cheek before rolling out of bed.

Carson had invited them over to his house for Sunday lunch, and Nancy was looking forward to it, but he could sense some hesitance in her. He didn't regret talking to her about how her relationship with her father had always felt like it colored theirs, from their dating relationship to their marriage, but he hadn't wanted her to feel self-conscious about wanting to spend time with her father, and he sensed that she did, now. Her taking him back meant that he would have to learn how to act in those relationships again, with her family, her friends, and even some people he had known in his old life in Chicago, especially those in the industry.

But a Sunday lunch probably meant his father-in-law wouldn't offer him a drink, and Ned was glad for that.

Halfway through the workday, though, Ned received a text message that left him thoughtful. He had promised Nancy that he would be with her for those trips to her father's house, but the opportunity he had...

Before he left work that night, he called Nancy and offered to pick up whatever she wanted for dinner. She reminded him that she had a pot roast and vegetables in the crock pot, and he told her he couldn't wait. So he would have to find some other way to soften her up in preparation for what he was going to ask her.

The kitchen smelled amazing when he walked into their house, and Ned sighed. His entire body seemed to relax; all the tension drained out of him when he walked through that door. During their time in Los Angeles, walking through the door of their home there had always made him _more_ tense. Now he couldn't wait to get home, to come back to her.

And it wasn't that he couldn't handle the issue over the phone. But Nancy had seemed a little depressed lately, and he thought it might be a good idea...

She arrived home an hour later, giving him a smile. "Hey honey."

"Hey." He looked up from the couch, watching her hang up her coat and then head for the stairs. "Hungry?"

"Yeah, actually."

"I'll set the table."

She returned with her face scrubbed clean, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, threading her hair through an elastic. "Sorry I was late. I was working on a missing-persons case and I thought I might need to head to Detroit, but I got lucky."

Ned's stomach flipped. "Oh?"

She nodded, going to the refrigerator for her drink. "Yeah, but I played a hunch and found her. I wanted to go ahead and contact the client—her sister hired us to find her and I knew she would want to know as soon as we'd had any luck."

"That's good. So she was okay?"

Nancy nodded, padding over to the table with her drink glass. "She was okay. She didn't know the guy she had run away from was in jail now, and she'll be able to come home."

"That's great, Nan."

She smiled as she sat down, gazing at the table. Ned had taken out a serving plate and put the roast and vegetables on it; since Nancy had used a liner, it hadn't been that hard. The meat was tender and had already fallen apart a little, and the carrots and potatoes stayed together long enough to reach his plate, but they were soft too. Ned had heated up some leftover rice, and he stirred it into the delicious gravy.

She did look better, he thought. Maybe since her period was almost over...

But they were still using condoms when they had sex, thanks to her insistence. He didn't blame her for wanting to be cautious; her miscarriage had been devastating to both of them, and he never wanted to go through anything like it again, but more especially he didn't want _her_ to go through another one. Whenever they decided to try to get pregnant again, he knew she would most likely be anxious and scared anyway, but especially so soon after the miscarriage.

He missed being able to have unprotected sex with her, though. She had told him that it didn't feel different for her, not really, but using condoms again after so long was definitely a little bit of a buzzkill for him.

Nancy had practically cleaned her plate and sat back with a satisfied sigh when Ned glanced up at her. "Babe, can I ask you something? And I'm only asking; you can say no."

Nancy's eyebrows went up. "What is it?"

Ned glanced down at his plate, which was almost clean, then back up at his wife. "Remember Heather?"

He saw her tense a little almost immediately. While she had liked Heather, that didn't mean she liked the reminder of how she knew the woman. "Mmm-hmm."

"Well—I know you don't want to go to California again if we can help it. They're having an employee retreat and sales meetings in Las Vegas this coming weekend, and she'll be there. I thought that maybe we could go, and I could meet with her; you can come along, too. I think she would be an incredible executive assistant with the firm, and it couldn't hurt to offer her the opportunity; she's already said she was interested. We can soak up the sunshine for a few days, maybe take a long weekend and come back. And at least it won't be raining there." He smiled. The weather in Chicago had been getting just a little warmer, but it was still cold outside.

When she hesitated, he forked up a last bite of rice. "Or not," he said softly. "I can just call her and make her an offer. But I thought it might be nice."

Nancy swallowed hard. "Is— _she_ —going to be there?"

Ned put his fork down. "I don't know," he admitted slowly. In all honesty, the thought hadn't occurred to him. "And I don't care. I'm not going to where they are; I don't really want to talk to any of them, except maybe Lindsay, but I'm not going to seek them out. We'll meet Heather somewhere away from the rest of it. And we don't even have to stay in Vegas; we can stay nearby and rent a car. They have some really nice resorts out there."

He was still smiling at her, but Nancy's smile was forced. "Can I think about it?"

Ned nodded. "Sure, Nan. I know it's sudden."

They finished their dinner and cleared the table together, and Nancy was quiet. Ned's cell phone went off after they had settled down on the couch. When he looked up from the phone, Nancy was looking at him, her expression almost unreadable.

"It's Heather. She says they'll be at the Bellagio." He turned his phone so she could see it, and he watched her gaze slide to it. She blinked, and then looked down.

Sol had told them not to let things like this fester. "Nan, talk to me," he murmured.

Nancy took a deep breath. "If we're there to see Heather," she said softly, "and _she_ 's there, and she finds out you're there... Ned..."

Ned reached for her hand. "If I call Heather and ask her, and she says that Carly's going to be there—" The name almost stuck in his throat. "Then we won't go. Okay?"

Nancy looked up at him, and her eyes were wet. "Ned, I swear—it's not that I don't trust you, okay? I just... I don't know what I'd do."

"Is that what's bothering you?"

Nancy nodded, but she looked down. "I don't ever... I don't know."

He reached over and drew her into his arms, and she tucked her head under his chin. "And if she's not there, do you want to go, maybe?"

"Maybe," she murmured. "Heather wouldn't tell her...?"

Ned chuckled. "No. Heather wouldn't tell her. Trust me, they aren't friends."

Nancy sighed. "Would you go even if I didn't?"

Ned stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. "I wouldn't want to. If you told me to go I would, but I wouldn't stay that long. I just thought it would be nice for us to get away for a little while. I know you've been kind of bummed out lately."

"I haven't wanted to be," she murmured. "I thought once we were back together..."

"Me too," he murmured, when she trailed off.

She kissed his collarbone. "It was worse when we were apart," she admitted softly.

"It was worse for me, too."

They cuddled together on the couch as they barely paid attention to the movie currently playing, each lost in their own thoughts. Having Heather as his assistant wouldn't be the last piece of the puzzle—he and Chris and Daniella had made a lot of progress, but they weren't quite there yet—but Ned wanted to surround himself with people who were in it for the right reasons, and he felt like Heather was one of those people.

Ned was just starting to feel tired when Nancy made a soft noise and sat up. "When you said long weekend..."

"I have some things I have to do at work on Friday," he explained. "But we could catch a flight out Friday night, maybe, and stay through Monday. Come back Monday night and back to work Tuesday. But it's up to you. I don't know what your work schedule is like."

Nancy bit her lip. Her cheeks were a little flushed, and Ned thought she looked absolutely gorgeous. "I guess that lunch with Dad..."

Ned gave her an apologetic smile. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I'll call him. Maybe we can reschedule it." She met Ned's eyes. "This is important to you, and... and if Heather swears she won't be there, then let's go."

Ned gave her a long, sweet kiss. "Thanks, baby," he murmured. "You sure it's okay? Your work will be okay?"

"Oh, Brown loves me after what I did this afternoon," she told him. "And I've been working my ass off for the past few months. I think we both deserve a little time to relax."

\--

Once Heather confirmed that Carly wouldn't be in Las Vegas for the meeting—and there was apparently some story behind that, one Nancy wasn't sure she wanted to hear—their plans proceeded quickly. Ned booked their flight and a room at a resort just outside Las Vegas, in Henderson. Apparently an Omega Chi brother had some connection to the resort, and in exchange for hooking Ned up with the room, he asked for a game of golf in return. Nancy was relieved when Ned said he didn't expect her to go along for that. Nancy enjoyed playing golf, but it wasn't exactly her idea of a romantic interlude—not unless one or both of them kept "misplacing balls and having to look for them," a phrase that made Ned snort with laughter when she said it.

Nancy called her father and asked about rescheduling the Sunday lunch, and they ended up planning to meet for lunch in the city on Friday. Nancy invited Ned to go with her, but she was just the tiniest bit relieved when he told her he wouldn't be able to make it. She was disappointed, but she knew Ned truly was upset he couldn't make it, and if he had been able to get out of his work commitment to join them, he would have.

It had been a while since Nancy and her father had eaten a meal together, just the two of them. Carson Drew wasn't spending the day at the courthouse or in trial preparation, so they arranged to meet at twelve-thirty at a downtown restaurant. Since she and Ned were leaving town a few hours after they were off work, she was still mentally going over her checklist, making sure she hadn't forgotten about anything she needed to do or plan before they left.

"You're looking happy, sweetheart. Excited about the trip?"

Nancy nodded. "I am really sorry it meant we won't be able to come over Sunday," she told him. "We were both really looking forward to it. And Ned wanted to come today—"

Carson gave her a smile. "Well, I suppose I can let it go this time," he told her. "As long as you swear we will get together once you get back."

"Especially if Hannah makes her double chocolate fudge cake," Nancy teased her father.

"I thought you didn't accept bribes."

"Not usually. That cake, though..."

When the waiter approached and asked for their drink orders, that just reminded her again. Nancy ordered a soda and her father just asked for a glass of water. As the waiter left them and Nancy opened her mouth, she felt a rush of anxiety.

"Dad... can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course you can."

Slowly Nancy began to unroll her silverware. "I know, on my birthday..." She sighed and started over. "There's something I haven't... I haven't really talked to you about, and I'm sorry about that. When Ned moved out to California, and I was still here, I was so busy, and then I moved out there... and I feel like I kind of lost touch with everyone. Not just you. Bess and George too, all the people I love."

Carson nodded, his gaze trained on her. "I know your life was pretty hectic," he said. "Just don't let it happen again."

His tone was a little teasing, but Nancy knew he had been disappointed. "Ned and I... we went through a rough patch," she said slowly. "After I moved out there, and when I moved back. His work was... well, he was working all the time, and I... it was just a bad situation. We were... we were trying to get pregnant. And Ned was drinking a little too much." She had decided that she didn't really want to go into detail about anything else that had happened; it would only serve to poison the relationship between her husband and her father, and she didn't want to do that.

Just then the waiter interrupted them to deliver their drink orders and take their lunch orders, and Nancy noticed that her hand was trembling a little. Talking to her father about what had happened was incredibly difficult. They placed their orders quickly, and Nancy unwrapped a straw, taking a sip of her drink before she continued.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Nan."

Nancy gave him a small humorless smile. "It's hard for me to hear about—babies," she admitted. "I was hoping that... well, anyway."

"Are you still trying?"

"We're taking a break, from that," she told her father, and took another sip of soda. "But what I wanted to tell you was that Ned has been really good about not drinking anymore... and I didn't say anything; it's his fight, not mine. Things are a lot better between us now. I just... I think he's a little anxious about seeing you again because you... well, you almost insisted that he have a drink when we went out for my birthday." Nancy looked down, making her voice soft in the hopes that she wouldn't offend him.

"I didn't realize, Nan. I'm sorry."

Nancy nodded once. "And I'm sorry I didn't stay in contact with you and Hannah," she said. "I really am. Dad, I love you so much. You've always been there for me. I don't tell you enough how much I've always appreciated that."

"Oh, sweetheart. I... well, I figured that something was going on with you and Ned, but it seemed like you didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to push you."

Nancy nodded slowly. "I just felt... like it was my fight, _our_ fight, I guess. And I wouldn't have said anything, but Ned's been doing so well..."

"And now that I know, I won't put you two in that situation again," Carson said with a reassuring smile. "You know you can always come to me, Nan."

Nancy smiled. "And I am so thankful for that," she told him. "I really am. Part of what I've realized, though, is that... he's my husband. I love both of you so much, I truly do, but Ned means the world to me. He always has. And I want to do everything I can to support him and show him how much I love him."

"But part of his job is to support you too, Nan."

Nancy felt tears prick in her eyes, and took a deep breath. "Dad... he has. He does, now. If he didn't... well, I wouldn't be with him. I mean that."

Carson's expression was serious, but he nodded slowly. "Baby, please understand that all I want is for you to be happy," he told her. "When you moved back here... you were so unhappy, and seeing you that way broke my heart. I knew you were avoiding me; I just didn't know why."

Nancy wiped her eyes. "I guess it was because I didn't know what to say," she said quietly. "And then it was just easier not to say anything."

Carson unrolled his own silverware. "What you're saying is true," he said. "He is your husband, and your relationship with him is important; and it's between the two of you, not you and him and me. But I will tell you that if you need me, I'm always a phone call away. And you're my baby girl. I hate knowing you're unhappy or upset, especially if there's anything I could ever do to change that."

Nancy gave him a smile. "And I'll always love you too, Dad."

\--

The trip wasn't Nancy's first, to Vegas. It was a different world, though. She had been relieved when Ned had said they wouldn't be staying in Vegas, but in Henderson, nearby. After rushing around all day, especially hurrying to the airport immediately after work was over, Nancy had caught a few hours of sleep on the plane, but she was exhausted. By the time they had rented a car and found the resort, the time was near midnight. Just a short distance away, the Strip was alive with lights and tourists, and Nancy was glad they weren't staying there.

The concierge desk was staffed by a smiling Asian woman in her mid-thirties. "Welcome to Green Valley Ranch Resort."

"Thanks. We have reservations, under Nickerson?"

The clerk tapped on the keyboard a few times, and her eyes widened when she found the reservation. "Oh. Welcome, Mr. Nickerson. You'll be staying in VIP penthouse accommodations... hang on."

She shuffled some papers on her desk and found an embossed folder, flipping it open to explain the contents. "As part of your package, you have a spa pass; any services up to this amount are covered by the pass." She tapped on the dollar amount, and Nancy's eyes widened. "We also have meal vouchers for you which can be used in the resort restaurants or for room service, and a twenty-percent-off coupon for Gondola Adventures, which will take you out on Lake Las Vegas; here are directions. If you'd like to see any of the shows or attractions, just let me know and I would be happy to book tickets for you at a reduced rate. If your car's with the valet, I'll have your bags brought up..."

When the bellhop opened the door to the penthouse suite, Nancy released a soft startled breath. "Holy shit," she whispered, and Ned chuckled.

The suite was _enormous_ , and had more square footage than their actual _home_ in Illinois. A Baby Grand piano stood in the sumptuously-appointed entry area; Nancy saw a fireplace in the living room too, and the view through the floor-to-ceiling windows was spectacular. The fifty-inch television would make Ned feel right at home, Nancy knew. The bellhop showed them to the master bedroom with his-and-hers bathrooms, and Nancy shook her head.

When the bellhop left them and they flopped down onto the huge, plush bed—with 320-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, Nancy remembered from the bellhop's glowing narrative—they looked over at each other.

"Holy shit," Nancy repeated, more loudly this time. "So this _friend_ you have..."

Ned smiled. "Yeah, he said that if I paid for an economy room, he would upgrade us... I gotta admit though, I wasn't expecting _this_."

"We could fucking _roller skate_ in that living room."

Ned laughed. "I know, right? And a TV in the bathroom, too... I'll never want to leave."

"Not even to check out the Jacuzzi in _my_ bathroom?"

Ned reached over and kissed her. "Maybe for that," he teased her, before pushing himself off the bed and grabbing his bag.

They tumbled into bed that first night exhausted, and Nancy drifted off in her husband's arms, considering their plans for the weekend. Ned's frat brother, Luke McCandless, had asked if Ned would join him for their golf outing on Saturday morning; Nancy thought that would probably be a perfect time to take advantage of the spa pass. They could meet for lunch afterward. From what Nancy remembered, Heather would be meeting them for dinner on Saturday night. Sunday and Monday were free, and their flight was late afternoon Monday. Nancy didn't want to go gambling at the Strip, but going to a show didn't sound like a bad idea. Especially now that she knew Carly wouldn't be lurking anywhere.

At least, she hoped not. Nancy believed Ned when he told her that he hadn't spoken to or heard from Carly since he had permanently moved back to Illinois with Nancy, but Nancy still felt uneasy. She did know one thing, though. If Carly did somehow manage to find them in Vegas, she wouldn't just be walking away with a sore nose this time. She would be lucky if she _walked_ away.

In the morning, when Ned left their bed and she heard the shower turn on in his bathroom, Nancy yawned and swept her hair out of her face, then considered for a few seconds before she slipped out of bed too. She stripped out of her t-shirt and panties before she opened the door. Ned was naked and just stepping into the shower, but when he felt the cooler air hit him, he glanced back to see her.

"Mind if I join you, handsome?"

Ned smiled. "Not at all, beautiful."

Her period was definitely over, and she wanted so much to feel his hands on her. His embraces were chaste and sweet when she was on her period, but she wanted to feel him the way she had missed him during all their time apart. Still, they mostly managed to keep their hands off each other, until they had rinsed the last traces of soap and conditioner away.

Then Ned picked her up, once they were standing on the bath mat outside the shower. He reached for the enormous towel hanging from a heated rack beside the shower stall and wrapped them both in it, and Nancy smiled up at him as she brought one end of the towel up to rub against his dark hair. He carried her back to their bed, in the dim bedroom; the first traces of gold were bleeding at the very edge of the curtains, but his face was cast in shadow.

"You know something we haven't done in a while?"

Ned grinned. "I know of _many_ things we haven't done in a while," he growled, and the deep gravelly sound of it sent a shudder straight down Nancy's spine. "But I don't think they have a sex swing here." He kissed her earlobe and the side of her neck, and with a sudden push Nancy rolled him over onto his back, straddling him, grinning as she looked down at him.

When she pushed herself up Ned watched avidly. She swung off him and Ned groaned in disappointment, but when she reversed so her parted legs were over his face and her head was on level with his erection, he chuckled appreciatively.

"You're right. It _has_ been a while."

They had been having oral sex longer than they had actually been having intercourse, and the feel of his lips, tongue, teeth and fingertips against her inner flesh made Nancy whimper. He hadn't shaved yet, and when he rubbed his chin against her clit, Nancy gasped against his cock.

Oh, she remembered their true honeymoon; she remembered them doing this for the first time, and how startled she had been when he spent himself in her mouth. She licked the tip of his cock, then bobbed down to take more of his length, her fingertips caressing his balls, his perineum. She didn't go any further, though. Given how relaxed Ned was with the idea of meeting up with Luke, she didn't think he would have been involved in the hazing Ned had gone through at Omega Chi, but she didn't want to trigger him. God, she had been afraid he would have alcohol poisoning that night, after all he drank.

Ned slipped three fingers up inside her as he suckled and grazed her clit with his stubbled chin, and Nancy groaned against his erection, her hips trembling. What he was doing to her felt incredible.

"Fuck. God, that feels so good," he groaned, then licked her clit again. "Yeah, baby..."

Maybe she didn't want him to come inside her without the protection of a condom, but at least she could let him spend himself during oral sex. He groaned to warn her before he did, and she kept licking and sucking on him, caressing his balls. She closed her eyes when his hips shuddered and he came, and she was glad her stomach was empty as she forced herself to swallow. To his credit, Ned kept touching her, although she heard him panting his breath back as he fingered her; Nancy rolled onto her back, panting too.

"Yes," she moaned. "Oh fuck, oh _yessss_..."

She pushed herself up so she could angle her hips, writhing against his hand, and came with a loud cry. Slowly he let her down, and she sank boneless to the mattress, lost in the afterglow. He kissed her inner thighs, his lips soft and lingering, and then kissed her belly button before pushing himself up off the bed.

Once Ned had left for the golf course, Nancy couldn't go back to sleep. She dressed and headed down to the resort's restaurant, and when she saw the menu prices she was happy they had the meal vouchers; she and Ned had agreed that they would put a significant amount of capital into the agency to start it, and the trip to Vegas could have put a dent in their finances. Afterward she went into the spa, and the receptionist was happy to tell her that they had a therapist available. The therapist, who was definitely far more awake than Nancy was, suggested a massage followed by a facial and body wrap treatment; Nancy agreed, and asked for a pedicure too.

By the time lunch came around, Nancy felt completely relaxed and rejuvenated. Bess would have loved the spa; George would have tolerated it. But it had been too long since Nancy had taken the time to pamper herself, and now that she was over her period, waking for a shower and morning sex with her drop-dead gorgeous husband in their luxurious penthouse suite followed by a delicious breakfast and a spa treatment? She definitely wouldn't turn that down.

She wouldn't have wanted it all the time, but after a long, cold winter and everything they had been through together, she appreciated it all the more.

Ned met her in their room so he could change, and his eyes widened when he saw her. "Baby, you always look beautiful—but you're _glowing_."

She grinned, following him into the bedroom. He stripped his shirt off, and her gaze lingered on the strong defined muscles of his chest and back. "I had a _fantastic_ morning," she told him. "I know I was a little reluctant to come along, but you can say 'I told you so.' That spa..."

"Had a good time, huh?"

She nodded. "It didn't hurt that I woke up in bed with a gorgeous guy who gave me a spectacular orgasm this morning."

Ned grinned too. "Hmm. Something similar happened to me, too..."

Nancy had changed into a colorblock sundress, and once Ned had changed, they headed down for their lunch reservation. Nancy had looked through the packages and the concierge had arranged for them to take the romantic gourmet lunch trip out on Lake Las Vegas. While they were on the water, Nancy asked how Ned's morning had been. Before, when he had been an ad exec, a morning round of golf with a potential client wouldn't have been a big deal at all, and he was happy to be in that kind of situation again. Even though Luke didn't have any specific connections Ned could use for his new agency, being disconnected from his old job and estranged from his friends in Chicago had been isolating for him.

And that was why seeing Chris and Daniella and the other people who had agreed to help him was so important to him, she realized again. A fraternity brother who wasn't necessarily expecting anything in particular out of Ned, who just wanted to hang out and talk about the good times they'd had together without any pressure, that was probably a welcome distraction.

Feeling the sunshine on her skin, even though the day wasn't incredibly hot, was great after the miserable Chicago weather. Nancy had selected Ned's lunch from the menu at the desk, and he was delighted when he saw the Angus burger and fries. Nancy had opted for the chicken ciabatta sandwich and a side salad, but she stole a few of his fries anyway. They took the time to talk about what they wanted to do; Ned had asked Luke about the local attractions and he had suggested that they take the scenic drive through the Valley of Fire State Park, maybe on Sunday. Red Rocks was even closer, and they considered taking a picnic lunch and maybe going for a horseback ride or a hiking trip on Monday, before they went back to the hotel to pack and depart for the airport.

After the gondola trip, they headed back to the hotel feeling full and lazy. In their room, Ned idly pressed a few keys on the Baby Grand as Nancy toed out of her shoes. When he started playing an easy basic one-finger melody, Nancy came over and sat down on the bench, placed her fingers on the keys, and made her way through the first few bars of a song she had memorized years before. She was a little rusty, and a few times her fingers hesitated before she picked up the melody again, but after she trailed off, she laughed a little to herself.

Ned bent down and kissed her on the crown of her head. "That was great, baby. Lunch, I mean."

Nancy chuckled. "Yeah, I know my playing has suffered."

"I've never seen you try a single thing that you've been bad at," Ned told her with a smile. "Which makes me all the happier that you said yes to me when I asked you to marry me. You could have been anything you wanted—and you still can, but you agreed to share your life with me, and I'm thankful every day for that."

Nancy looked up into his eyes, a smile on her own face. "Ned... baby, I've _missed you_. I've missed you so much. And I finally feel like—like we're gonna be okay. Because the man I decided so long ago to spend my life with, I loved him with my whole heart. All of me. I didn't hold anything back and that's why it hurt so, so damn much..." Her voice started shaking a little. "It hurt so much when I lost you, because I didn't know who I was anymore either. It was like half of me was suddenly gone. I..."

He reached down and touched her cheek. "Sweetheart..."

She stood, and when she slipped her arms up around his neck, he wrapped his around her waist. "Remember that immunity potion I gave you so long ago?" she murmured.

Ned kissed her temple. "Yeah," he said softly. "I think that was the night you came to my cabin and... let's see, we made some hot cocoa..."

She chuckled, then tilted back to look up into his face. "I guess it's just time for me to renew it, huh?"

Ned reached down and picked her up, holding her so her face was on level with his. "Nan... I know that I can say anything and it won't make a difference, and I know that for the past few months, every—everything I've done, and said and thought and _wanted_ , has been you. Has been _this_. And... sweetheart... I'm _not_ the same guy anymore. I'm not. The guy who succumbed to Laura and her flirting when we were up in Vermont; the guy who promised to love and honor and cherish you for the rest of his life? He's a part of me but I'm more than him, Nan. Because the guy standing in front of you right now is a guy who knows _exactly_ what he stands to lose if he fucks up. Since I was seventeen years old, you've been there for me. Maybe we screwed up every now and then; maybe we flirted with other people, but I always knew that you would be at the other side, and I think maybe you felt that way about me too. Good old dependable Ned Nickerson. Maybe I was afraid of losing you, but I never, _never_ , never imagined that it could really happen. Never.

"And there is nothing on earth—no immunity potion, no crystal ball, _nothing_ that could ever convince me the way that did. I hated every second we were apart. I spent every second miserable and depressed. And I'm glad.

"As much as it hurt, I'm glad that I had to earn you back, Nancy. When I said you'd never regret that choice, I meant it. If there's ever anything you need, anything you want, anything at all I can do for you... that's what I want to do. I want to spend every day... not saying I'm sorry, because I hope you know that, but proving that _you're_ my immunity potion, baby. You and how much it hurt to lose you."

When he finally stopped talking, his gaze was on her lips; Nancy's eyes were wet, but her lips were parted when he tilted his head and touched his mouth to hers. She let out a soft whimper, lacing her fingers through his hair, and when he backed the few feet to the couch and sat down on the arm still holding her, she stood over him, kissing him and kissing him over and over.

He gathered her skirt and pulled it up so she could straddle him as he fell backwards, but they just made out; he combed his fingers through her hair and she relaxed against him, her hips snug against his, her tongue tangling against his.

And he was right. The Ned who was holding her, he wasn't the same boy she had fallen in love with so long ago, but in a way he was better. The boy she had known and loved, who had slowly taught her and learned with her, who had shown her how incredible lovemaking was—well, he _had_ needed to learn, and so had she. She had never known anyone who could frustrate her the way he could. And she had never known anyone who could see inside her the way he could, who could draw her out of herself and wrap her in so much love.

And oh, he was like a part of her now, as elemental a part of her as half her own heart would be. If she had walked away from him, she had no doubt and she definitely had no doubt now, that she would have died that way, broken.

She had prayed to find a way to love him the way she had, but she loved him better now. She had hated being apart too, but it had shown her just how much she needed him.

She kissed him, softer, slower, and then kissed his cheek, the point of his jaw, his earlobe. "I love you," she said softly. "Ned, I love you so much. I love all of you, every bit of you... and I was so afraid that you would do it. You would just go back to California and your life there and leave me behind. I don't know what it is to have a life without you, because every minute we were apart, I was missing you; I was dreaming of you, and I didn't want to go forward. I wanted to go backward. I wanted to go back. And as much as it hurt... this is better. It's better.

"I wanted to love you the way I did before... but I loved you the way a girl loves a favorite toy. I knew you would be there for me and I took you for granted. And when you were... changing... I just didn't know what to do. Who you were... you were a stranger to me. And you _now_... you are better. You're amazing. And you're exactly what I need, and what I've needed for so long."

She moved back to gaze into his eyes, and then cupped his cheek. "And I can't wait to see what's going to happen tomorrow," she said softly. "And the next day, and the next. I can't wait to know you all over again, to be with you while you do this... while you start your agency, while you take this awful thing we've been through and turn it into something that is going to be great. I can't wait to fall asleep beside you and wake up with you and... and..."

Ned arched up and brushed his lips against hers, and when she crashed down to him, she found herself laughing. She _had_ taken this for granted. And it wasn't.

The first time a culprit had knocked her on her ass, she had learned from it. She hadn't done the same thing all over again. And she wouldn't do that now.

After their next kiss, Ned slid his hand down until he was rubbing his open palm against her ass. "I can't wait either, Nan."

She kissed the corner of his mouth, then his lips again. "And I think there's something else you can't wait for either, huh. Did you bring some condoms?"

He shrugged; his eyes were glowing when he looked at her. "You know something we've never done? Had sex on a Baby Grand piano."

Nancy released a startled laugh as she slowly brought herself to her feet, her dress falling back into place over her thighs. "While technically that's true..."

"Technical, hell." Nancy rolled her eyes at him when she headed to the bedroom to find the condoms she had packed; she wasn't surprised that he hadn't brought any. She was grinning, though. "Unless there are a few crazy nights I don't remember, I don't believe we've had sex on _any_ pianos. Baby Grand, non-Baby Grand, toy pianos... musical instruments of any sort..."

Nancy walked back into the living room with a handful of foil packets; she had stripped out of her dress, and she loved the way Ned's low-lidded gaze swept over her almost bare body. She still felt self-conscious, but Ned's obvious desire was intoxicating. "Because I've always wanted to have sex with you on a xylophone," she teased him.

"Too many sharp edges, I think."

"And... can I be honest with you, Mr. Nickerson?"

"Always, Mrs. Nickerson."

Ned was sitting up on the couch, and Nancy tossed the foil packets onto the coffee table, then slowly, seductively straddled him. "I get wet every time you talk about that sex swing."

Ned brushed his thumb against her parted lips, and she kissed it. His gaze flicked down, then back up to her own low-lidded eyes.

"Sex swing," he said slowly, his voice low and dark, and Nancy leaned forward and kissed him hard.

Before long, thanks to his roaming hands, Nancy was naked and Ned was only topless. She kept kissing him as he stroked her breasts, as she reached down and swiftly unfastened his fly. "When we get home," she murmured, then gasped as he caught her earlobe in his teeth.

"Home," he murmured, when she trailed off. "Our home. When we get home you want to try out the swing again, sweetheart? Because trust me, the sight of you open and wet and ready for me is so fucking sexy..."

She moaned as he guided his hand down over her ass, then slipped between her legs and gently stroked the entrance of her sex. "God," she panted, slipping her hand into his pants. She didn't bother with stroking him through his underwear; instead, she moved beneath the elastic band and touched his bare cock, and he moved his hips, giving her a better angle so she could get her hands all over him.

"Pants. Off. Now."

Ned grinned. "I love it when you order me around, sexy."

"Mmm. And I love it when you call me sexy," she admitted softly, as she climbed off him, watching him take off his pants and underwear.

"You are," he said, standing before her naked; the golden afternoon light played over the planes of his chest and abs, catching golden on the hair that trailed down beneath his belly button, down to his erection. "You are so unbelievably sexy. I love you so much, Nan."

"I love you too," Nancy murmured, and she picked up a foil packet before he leaned down and gathered her into his arms. They kissed, long and hard and lingering, as he lowered himself to the couch and stood on his knees, his hips between her open thighs. He pressed her between him and the arm of the couch, and Nancy had trouble concentrating as he kissed her again and again; her fingers trembled as she ripped open the packet and found the head of his cock, rolling on the condom with sure strokes of her fingers. Once he was fully covered she relaxed a little, and he grasped her ass; she wrapped her legs around him and when she felt him moving into place, angling himself for her, her lashes fluttered down.

"Oh, _Ned_ ," she moaned, and she kissed his neck, gasping as he first moved inside her. "Mmm..."

"Yeah," he groaned. "God, so good, baby..."

She released a breathless cry as his hips rocked against hers, as he pushed her against the arm of the couch, pinning her. She stroked her hands down his back, squeezing his shoulder blades, the firm muscles of his back as he worked his way inside her. Her lashes brushed against his neck and she gasped in a sob, her body wrapped around his, bringing one hand up to run her fingers through his hair. His breath came in rough sighs, hot against her skin, and with every thrust of his hips she clung to him, savoring the feel of him as he filled her.

When she knew she was close, she reached down and began to rhythmically rub her clit, hard, and she bucked against him. "God, that's so good," he groaned, shifting the angle of his hips, and Nancy shuddered, her pussy clenching tight and slick around his cock. "Holy _fuck_ , baby..."

He nuzzled against her breasts and she sobbed with his thrusts, and when he pushed his knees back and tilted her back so her shoulder blades were against the arm of the couch, he grabbed her ass and held her in place as he rutted against her, and Nancy tipped her head back, crying out. She panted his name, frantically rubbing her clit, and he caught her left nipple in his teeth and tugged.

"Oh _fuck_ ," she whimpered. "Oh my God, baby, _come_..."

Ned groaned. "So sweet and wet, baby, oh _God_ I wish I could feel you..."

She forced herself to pull her head back up, panting, and the sound of their joining was wet and rapid. "I'm sorry," she gasped out. "I'm sorry, I can't..."

"It's okay. It's okay, sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you," she gasped.

"Come, baby."

She dug her nails into his back, muffling her scream into his skin as she obeyed. He thrust into her a few more times and she trembled as she accepted him, his body pounding against hers, the scent of his deodorant and cologne and sweat filling her senses, her own heartbeat filling her ears. Her brow creased as he stiffened with his own orgasm, and they were locked together, speechless and overwhelmed. When he released her, their hips were still locked together, and the weight of him on top of her was like an answer to the prayer she had breathed so, so many times.

The resort contained several restaurants, and when Ned called for reservations at the Italian restaurant, Nancy had a feeling the only way he managed to get a table was because he was a VIP. Heather arrived five minutes early for their dinner meeting; she wore a form-fitting black dress and slingback heels, and she also looked just a little uncomfortable in the ensemble, maybe because she was in Vegas and had decided to do something just a little out of character. She also looked a little nervous to be seeing Ned again, but she greeted him warmly, and greeted Nancy with the same warmth too. Ned wore a dark grey suit with a crisp white shirt and a textured navy tie; he looked incredibly handsome. Nancy wore a strapless navy sheath, a diamond pendant Ned had given her a long time ago hanging around her neck.

Once they were shown to their table, Nancy realized the waiter had been tipped off that they were to be given special consideration. They were upgraded to a bottle of the same sparkling spring water from the French Alps that they had sampled at Chez Louis without asking; Nancy looked over the menu prices and was glad for the meal vouchers as she selected the branzino. Heather had a grin on her face as she selected the shrimp diablo, and Ned opted, as she had been sure he probably would, for the grilled steak with oven-roasted potatoes. They agreed to split a plate of crostini, and when the sommelier came over to give his recommendations for wine to accompany their meal, Nancy and Heather looked at each other and decided to take the sommelier's suggestion for a nice light white wine. He asked what Ned's entree choice had been, but Ned said he would be sticking to water.

After the three of them were alone again, Heather took a sip of her water. "So," she said, looking between Nancy and Ned. "You're looking good. Both of you."

Ned's hand brushed Nancy's thigh, and she took it in her own. "Thanks. You too."

Heather snorted quietly. "Thanks," she said, but it was clear she didn't quite believe him. "It's been a hard winter. But I guess I don't need to tell you that."

Ned dipped his head in acknowledgement. Nancy could tell that he both wanted to ask about what had happened after his sudden departure, and didn't; she knew that he had kept in touch with Heather afterwards, but that didn't mean she had told him everything.

"How have you been?" Nancy asked.

Heather shrugged. "The Vegas trip has been pretty good," she admitted. "Went out to Cirque du Soleil last night, and half the guys were hungover as hell this morning. I've been working for Formier since the beginning of the year, and I don't think he's been sober for a week..."

Nancy's heart was in her throat. Heather didn't sound disgusted, but her tone was almost worse; she sounded resigned.

"So things haven't changed that much," Ned said softly, his tone neutral.

Heather shrugged and took another sip of her water. "They haven't," she said. "More of the same. And someone you, um, might remember..."

Nancy felt sick. She paused with her hand on her water glass, the condensation cool against her fingertips. "Carly," she murmured.

Heather's eyes widened slightly, and she nodded. "You asked if she was going to be here. A few weeks after you resigned, she was at a party; there was a bust and I heard she was caught and charged with coke and heroin possession, along with a bunch of other people. She hired a high-powered attorney who got her off, but her company went through a 'realignment,'" Heather surrounded the word with air quotes, "and she was let go. Her company's still with the firm, but she's not. At least, not through them." Heather's sigh was disgusted this time. "She got her hooks into Kesey. I'm sure that took maybe two seconds. Lindsey reprimanded him about a month ago for expensing his dates with that slut, and I'm sure that means he's just being more careful about it."

Ned's grip on Nancy's hand was firm, and she was gripping him back just as tightly. Her heart was beating painfully hard. "But she's not here," Nancy found herself saying.

Heather shook her head. "Kesey's back home. And I haven't seen her around in a while."

That made Nancy feel a little bit calmer, and she was glad for the distraction when the waiter delivered their appetizers. Nancy didn't just want wine now; she wanted a few double-shots of something strong, just to take the edge off...

And that, she realized, that was how Ned had felt. Sometimes just the thought of coming home to her had apparently been enough to provoke that in him.

She laced her fingers through Ned's and took a crostini off the plate after Heather had taken one. When she glanced over at Ned, she recognized the look in his dark eyes. It wasn't panic, but it was something very close to regret.

"Are you happy there?" Nancy asked, trying to keep her tone casual.

Heather sighed. "It's a job," she said. "And I'm lucky to have it. I will admit, though, when Ned told me he was thinking about starting an agency... Mr. Nickerson, I mean."

Ned shrugged. "It's okay. We go back."

Heather smiled at that. "My family is actually in Michigan," she said. "Chicago's a lot closer. And I'm not saying I don't love a California winter—if we really had one."

Nancy chuckled. "Yeah. There's one season in California, and it's just 'it's nice.'"

Heather nodded, raising her glass to that.

"So how did you end up in California?" Nancy asked, curious.

Heather shrugged, and smiled at the waiter when he refilled her glass. Nancy took the opportunity to grab another crostini; lunch had been a long time ago, and she and Ned had done their best to work it off. "I wanted to be an actress," she admitted, sounding almost bashful about it. "Packed up my little car and started the drive the day after I turned twenty. I went to every audition I could find and didn't land a damn thing, not even the stupid commercials, and I was working as a waitress at a place near the courthouse, seeing all these well-dressed guys come in with clients. I was three classes short of getting my office administration degree, and I went back just to get that to fall back on... and then I met a guy, and then another guy..." She shrugged.

Nancy smiled. "I bet you were over the moon when you landed the job at the agency, huh," she said softly.

"I was," Heather admitted. "Stable, good money. A lot of fun creative people." She shrugged again. "But it's... it's been hard, lately. Harder than usual. I thought things would be different, I guess."

Nancy remembered the summer before, when she had believed things would be different, too. And how that had turned out.

Ned squeezed Nancy's hand gently. "We're getting close, Heather," he told her. "I have partners and a client list, and I'd love for you to come on board as my assistant, once we get this off the ground. You were amazing at handling everything for me, and I definitely need someone who could do that."

Heather picked up another crostini. "And your agency," she said quietly. "What kind of people are you hiring for creative, for your account management?"

"Well, my partners and I... we have spouses, families. One of my partners is a woman, actually. I don't want the kind of environment or... extracurriculars, like we had in L.A. or even at the Chicago branch. We're going to work hard, but at the end of the day we'll go home and spend time with our wives, husbands, kids. I... it doesn't need to be the way it was."

Heather glanced from Ned over to Nancy, and back. "You say you're not quite ready yet. So are you really just asking if I'd be willing to leave in a few weeks, a month?"

Ned had just opened his mouth to reply when they were interrupted. A tall lanky man in an impeccable suit with curly brown hair approached their table with a wide grin on his face; from the warm way he greeted Ned, Nancy presumed he was Luke. Nancy smiled and shook his hand when she was introduced as Ned's wife, and Heather smiled as Ned introduced her, too.

"Mind if I steal him for a few minutes, ladies? I promise to bring him right back, in almost-new condition." Luke winked at Nancy, and Nancy forced a smile in return, but she had a feeling Luke was going to offer Ned a drink or two, at the least. She squeezed Ned's hand gently and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"We'll be right here. Just don't go for too long." Ned's gaze locked to Nancy's for a moment before he nodded, and then she cast a stern glance at Luke. "Be good."

"Always." Luke nodded in the direction of the bar, and Nancy swallowed, but she knew Ned could handle it.

Nancy didn't have the mask fully back in place when she looked over at Heather again, and the expression in the other woman's eyes was sympathetic.

"I meant what I said," Heather said, and Nancy tilted her head. "You really do look good. Before..."

Nancy glanced down. "Thanks," she murmured. "I know I don't have any right to ask this, and you don't have to answer, but are you considering it? The job?"

Heather paused, swallowing a bite of crostini. Then she nodded, slowly. "Considering it," she admitted. "It depends on a lot of things: starting salary, benefits, all that. But... it's been harder, since he left. He was one of the last good guys. Now..." She sighed.

"Were you working for Ned the entire time he was in the office?"

Heather nodded. "Yeah. Pretty much, I think."

Nancy ran her finger down the side of her water glass. "So... you knew him before he... before he changed."

Heather paused, then dipped her head. "I know that at the end—well, even before then, he was under a lot of pressure. He was working on so many campaigns, with a lot of demanding clients—like any of them _aren't_ demanding. And... she, didn't help."

Nancy nodded. "I'm sure she didn't," she murmured. "And I'm sure she came around, making her excuses to see him..."

Heather paled a little. She was clearly uncomfortable.

"Look... I know. All of it, or enough, anyway. More than I wanted to, probably." Nancy gave Heather a small humorless smile. "I know she worked as hard as she could to get her hooks into him. And I know how women look at him. I'm not blind."

Heather's gaze was watchful. She didn't say anything, but she didn't look away from Nancy, either.

"I... I don't know if you remember who he was before, really. And maybe you didn't see that much of him; maybe you didn't have that much chance. I know Ned was amazing at what he was doing when he was working with you, regardless of how much his personal life was suffering. I know that once he gets his agency off the ground, he will be amazing again. And I'll be honest with you. You're one of the few people he's worked with in this business that I really trust."

Heather was still quiet, but her body language was still pretty receptive. Nancy took a deep breath. Her stomach was tense.

"Heather, if you take the job... I'm not asking you to spy on him. I wouldn't want to do that. But... if it starts happening again... if you could just talk to him..."

Nancy trailed off as she felt a tingle go down her spine, as Heather glanced over. Ned was approaching their table again, and he was smiling; Nancy was happy to note that he didn't have a drink in his hand. He took his seat again and Nancy glanced down; when he reached for her hand again, she let him take it.

"Old friend?" Heather asked, her voice just a shade too bright.

"Yeah. He's done me a few pretty big favors." Ned smiled. "And I was hoping that our entrees would be here by the time I came back."

As though he had been waiting for that cue, their waiter arrived along with the sommelier, and Nancy and Heather both tasted the wine and pronounced it excellent. He left them with piping-hot beautifully-arranged plates in front of them, and Nancy closed her eyes, savoring her first bite of roasted Mediterranean sea bass.

When they were about halfway through their main course, Heather reached for her wine glass, glancing between them. "I... when you're close, give me a call," she said. "I'd definitely be interested."

Ned swallowed his bite of steak. "That's great. Thank you so much, Heather. I really appreciate it."

Nancy nodded, too. "I think you would be a great addition," she said. "From everything Ned told me about you."

Heather glanced down, then back up again. "If we're being candid with each other," she began, then paused. "Are we?"

"Yeah," Ned replied quietly.

She fortified herself with a sip of wine before continuing. "The way you describe it, the way you want your new agency to be... I'm not sure if you have any idea how great that sounds, especially after the time I've spent in Los Angeles. But there are things I won't tolerate. Not anymore."

Ned nodded. "And I understand that."

Heather smiled. "Then I think we might have a deal," she said.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by littlemsmessy.

"Are you anxious about tomorrow, honey?" Nancy asked, kissing his collarbone.

Ned looked down at his wife's reddish-blonde hair, which was now slightly disheveled, thanks to the vigorous round of lovemaking they'd just finished.

Despite the fact that he'd turned in before her, he'd been unable to sleep. When Nancy had joined him in bed, she'd cuddled close to him and their gentle kisses and soft caresses had led them to practically tear off each others' nightclothes.  Ned supposed that they were both still trying to make up for the time when they'd been apart. 

"A little," he now admitted to her. "After all, the insurance company was nice enough to hire me back after all of these years. Even though I hated working there, I feel kind of bad about leaving them in the lurch when I walk in tomorrow and give them my two weeks' notice."

"Well," Nancy replied, snuggling up even tighter against him, "I'm sure they'll be able to find someone to take your position, especially in this tough job market. Not that they'll ever be able to replace the amazing Ned Nickerson." Her fingers lightly walked over his ribcage.

He chuckled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, sweetheart."

"You were a great worker while you were there; it's not like you just took a paycheck and didn't earn it," she pointed out, and Ned had to agree. "But now it's time for you to move on and get back to doing what you love. No one can fault you for that. I'm sure they'll understand, and at least you aren't going to work for one of their competitors."

"True. I just can't keep thinking about the last time I left a job, though." Ned's mind automatically flashed back to the day when he'd walked into Lindsey's office and quit with no warning; his stomach tightened as he remembered the panic that had been coursing through him when he'd pulled the trigger.

Nancy raised her head from the crook of his neck and kissed his lips. "That was very different, Ned. You were in a desperate situation. And, may I say, you made the right call with that one."

He chuckled, despite his lingering fears. "You or the job? When it came down to it, I knew there was no other choice to make, Drew." He patted her sheet-clad ass. 

"What else are you worried about? I can tell that something's still bothering you." Her hand curled around his cheek, her thumb stroking his chin.

"How'd you know?" Ned asked wryly.

"Because I've known you since you were seventeen years old. I know what you're like when you're anxious—you get all tense and jittery. You even seemed a little preoccupied during sex."

He raised his head, a new concern forming. "Was it not good, baby?"

Nancy kissed his lips again. "It was amazing, honey. And before you ask, I didn't fake my orgasm—those screams and cries of delight were one-hundred-percent genuine." She laughed at his sigh of relief. "I just meant that your body was willing and able, but your mind seemed like it was elsewhere."

"I was thinking about you while we were doing it, but I'm just…"  He fell silent. 

"What?" she prodded him gently.

"Nan, what if the agency fails? What if I can't make a go of it and we have to close our doors in a month or two? What then?" The words burst out of Ned in a torrent. As the opening date of the agency got closer and closer, his anxiety increased. He was definitely still enthusiastic about it all, but the fear of being a failure was so acute, so pervasive, that it lingered like a bitter taste in his mouth.

Nancy sat up and leaned over to click on her bedside lamp. The sudden change from darkness to brightness was startling and it took Ned's eyes a moment to adjust. 

"Ned Nickerson, you listen to me." His wife's voice was firm and insistent as she stared down at him.  "You are amazing at your job; you are brilliant and creative and hard-working and passionate about advertising. Clients have always been able to pick up on that passion, and they love you for it.

"We also both know that you have a phenomenal reputation in the industry; Derek was crazy about your work, and he was impossible to please. And when we ran into that guy Clifton after the Bulls game, he was eager to have you put something together for him—didn't you tell me that he's already called and wants to set up a meeting with your new agency as soon as you're ready?"

"Yeah, but maybe it's too soon for me to be making such a big move. What if I buckle under the stress? What if I just start feeling those… urges again?" Ned found that he couldn't quite look at his wife, for fear that he'd see disappointment in her expression. Maybe his admission would be the thing to make her change her mind about their marriage.

Instead, Nancy placed a finger under his chin and turned his face towards hers. "If you do, you'll talk to me, and we'll figure out a way to help you get through it. Maybe it means you'll see a drug and alcohol counselor, maybe you'll start going to a support group… I don't know, but I'm not giving up on you, Ned. I said I was going to be here for the long haul, and I meant it."

He raised himself to a sitting position. "Thank you, sweetheart. Your faith in me is incredible. But…"

"No _buts_ , Ned. It may take a while, but I have no doubts at all whatsoever that you'll be able to make this agency successful. None at all. 

"Not only that, but you'll be working with other talented people who will also give their all to make sure this is a success. So the pressure won't be entirely on you."

Ned reached forward and pulled Nancy into his arms, savoring the feel of her bare chest against his. "I love you." He gently pushed her back, keeping his hands on her upper arms. "But I'm still scared that I'm taking our life savings and dumping them into something that could be a spectacular flame-out. That I'll be pouring our money and my time into something that won't ever get off of the ground."

"Stop it. First of all, _if_ for some crazy reason things don't work out—and I'm not saying that will be the case," she told him, holding up her hand in a _stop_ gesture. "I'm just humoring you by playing the _what-if_ game.

" _If_ it doesn't work out and you aren't able to recoup the money you've put into the agency, we'll still survive, Ned. I'm working, and you'll be able to get another job in advertising. And if we have to scrimp and cut back on things to build up our savings again, so be it. I told you before; I don't care if we have to sell the fucking house and the rest of our things and live in a tiny apartment and eat mac-and-cheese from the box, as long as we're together. I just want _you_ , Ned. The rest of it doesn't matter."

"I love you so much," he murmured, cupping her beautiful face in his hands. "I love you and I love the faith you have in me, even after everything we've been through."

"You are my husband and it's my job to support everything that you do. For richer or poorer, remember?" she teased, turning her head to kiss the web of his hand.

"I just don't want you to see me as a failure."

"Ned… that will never happen. _Never_ ," she emphasized adamantly. "If you truly make your best attempt at making the agency work and it doesn't… that won't be any reflection on you, honey. I will _never_ stop being proud of you. Don't you ever forget that."

"I don't deserve you." His voice was low and he felt tears spring to his eyes. "After all of the horrible shit I did, I don't deserve you."

"Stop it," she chided him lightly. "We've moved on from that, Ned. We're partners;  it's my job to be your biggest champion."

"And no other guy in the world could have a better one, sweetheart."

"Now, no more foolish talk. It's time to get to sleep. You need to be bright-eyed and chipper when you turn in your resignation—not yawning, with bags under your eyes." 

He watched Nancy feel around for her pink lace nightgown, which he'd tossed in the general direction of the foot of the bed earlier. Once she'd slipped it over her head and he'd pulled his flannel pajama pants back on, she clicked off the lamp and lay on her back, patting the top of her breast. Ned took her hint and laid his head down, his arm slung around her waist.

She stroked his hair. "It really will be all right, sweetheart. You'll be so happy doing what you love that soon you'll start to relax—I know it. Sure, it'll be a challenge, but you're so strong. Stronger than you think."

"I love you," he murmured, closing his eyes. Ned couldn't deny that he still felt anxious, but he believed his wife when she said she'd be by his side, come what may. He just hoped that he didn't give her any reason to lose faith in him. 

\--

Ned was just reviewing some processing instructions he had created for his eventual replacement at the insurance company when he heard a knock on his office door. He looked up and was astonished to find Bess standing there.

"Hey, I hope this isn't a bad time?" she inquired, smoothing her bright blue skirt over her hips.

Ned glanced at the clock on the bottom right corner of his computer screen. It was nearly twelve-thirty, around the time when he'd planned on breaking for lunch anyway.

"No, this is fine. Did you have an appointment?" he asked, still puzzled by her presence.

Bess chuckled. "I'm not here for a change to my car insurance or renter's insurance policies, Ned. Actually, I'm here to see you."

He raised his eyebrows. "Okay. Have you had lunch yet?"

Fifteen minutes later, he and Bess were sitting in a booth at the diner down the street from the insurance company. She took a long sip of her diet cola before regarding him from across the table.

Before she even opened her mouth, Ned suddenly realized why she'd come to see him. It was going to be discussion similar to the one he'd had with her cousin at the burger bar, but likely a lot less caustic, he guessed.

"First of all, I wanted to congratulate you on the agency. Nan's filled me in on the progress you've been making with putting everything together, and she's so excited for you. Your last day at the insurance company is this Friday, right?"

"That's right. And, thank you," Ned dipped his head in acknowledgment. "But I know that's not the only thing you wanted to talk to me about. I don't think that you would have come down to my office just to congratulate me, not when you could have sent me a quick Facebook message or text."

She paused, a piece of dinner roll halfway to her mouth before she set it down on the paper napkin in front of her. "You're right. Not that I didn't want to give you my good wishes, but…"

"But you really want to warn me about not hurting Nan, right?" he asked gently.

Bess nodded slowly. "I'm aware that George gave you her version of this speech, and I'm guessing that she was fairly harsh with you. I don't want to do that."

"George was tough, but fair. She definitely wasn't afraid of speaking her mind—and I don't want you to be, either."

"Okay." She exhaled slowly, picking her roll into smaller pieces. "Ned, I need you to know that I was the biggest champion of your reconciliation while you and Nan were separated. I saw how unhappy Nancy was when she told us that she had kicked you out, and despite the laundry list of all of the bad things you'd done, I could just tell that she still loved you and that she still held out hope that you two could work things out.  If she hadn't, she would never have agreed to continue therapy."

"I know," he acknowledged, picking up his own roll to butter it. "The fact that she even showed up again after the… the miscarriage was huge. Before that, I wasn't sure if she would ever be able to get past what I did."

"Honestly, I refused to believe that a love as strong as the one that the two of you shared, that a relationship as strong as yours, could just die within a year.  I told Nan that no matter how logical it seemed to end your marriage, she had to listen to her heart—because logic doesn't always have a place when it comes to love."

"Thank you, Bess. Thank you so much for believing in us. I know that Nan made her own decision when it came to taking me back for good, but I also know that she felt good that one of her best friends supported that decision."

"I've known the both of you a long time, Ned." She popped a bite of torn roll into her mouth. "And no matter what, I know that she's never as happy as she is when you're around. Nan sometimes likes to hold things in and keep her thoughts and feelings to herself, but when it comes to you… I don't like to reveal my best friend's secrets, but the depth of the love she has for you is greater than you even realize." 

"I don't know what I did to deserve that love, but I am so grateful to have it—even more so now, now that I almost lost it forever. I need you to hear that I will never again take it for granted." Despite her pledge of support, Ned had to make Bess see that he wasn't just going through the motions when it came to his relationship with Nancy, that he genuinely, completely _had_ changed.

"I believe you when you say that." Bess paused when the waiter came to the table and plunked a large plate heaped with salad greens in front of her.  She flashed him a brief, dazzling smile of thanks; the waiter seemed momentarily mesmerized by it.

Amused, Ned cleared his throat, snapping the waiter out of his trance. The man put down Ned's plate, barely paying attention as he continued to stare at Bess.

When the waiter left, Ned chuckled. "I see that you haven't lost your touch, Bess Marvin."

She shrugged exaggeratedly. "I can't help it if men find me interesting." She picked up her fork to eat, which he took as his cue to dig into his turkey club.

"Anyway," Bess continued after swallowing a bite of her chicken Caesar salad, "I really do believe you when you say that you're committed to making your marriage work this time around. I can tell that you aren't just saying the words; you genuinely mean them. And I was incredibly happy when Nan told me that she'd decided to stay with you—because I love you both."

Ned smiled. "It's nice to hear. Truthfully, I thought you'd hate me forever after the shit that I pulled." He bit into a French fry.

"That said, I have to admit that it bothered me to find out about the things that had happened between you and her; it bothered me a lot. And, because I'd gotten to witness some of it firsthand when I came to visit the two of you in California, I knew that Nancy wasn't exaggerating." Her voice was soft but Ned could hear the admonishment in it.

He looked down at his plate, suddenly feeling ashamed. While George had been more confrontational and combative, Bess's gentle remonstrations somehow seemed worse.

"I was such an asshole," he replied quietly, still staring at his sandwich. "I ignored Nancy and worked late and generally treated her like shit. I knew that she'd been looking forward to the two of us hanging out with you, and I _still_ just did whatever the fuck I wanted to. You were only there a few days and I couldn't be bothered to do one goddamn nice thing to make my wife happy. I knew she'd been so lonely, and still I…"

Bess reached across the table and put her hand on his forearm. He looked down at her perfectly polished nails, the light-pink tips gleaming under the fluorescent lighting of the diner, before he could gain the courage to look up at her face again.

"Ned, I'm sorry—I didn't mean to make you re-live all of that. That wasn't my intention. The only reason I brought it up was because… despite my happiness that you and Nan have gotten back together, I can't help but be afraid for her."

His wife's friend laughed, but the sound held no amusement. "It's amazing—all these years, I've been scared that she'd be physically hurt, or worse, while working on one of her cases. But I've never been as afraid about that as I am that you'll somehow slip up and hurt her again.

"Oh, I don't think you'd do it intentionally," she added quickly, not missing the stricken look Ned knew he had on his face. "But something would happen and she'd start to feel that taking you back was a mistake." Bess took another sip of her soda.

He could feel the flare of panic rise up deep in his belly and he fought to contain it. "Bess, I completely understand why you would feel that way, but I'll tell you the same thing I told George—the same thing I've told Nancy time and time again, for that matter. I will spend every day of the remaining time I have here on earth making my wife feel loved and valued and being the best damn husband there ever was, the husband she deserves. I swear it to you." Ned wiped his suddenly damp palms on the paper napkin in his lap.

"I really hope so. Don't make me regret that I put my faith in you, Nickerson."

He felt an unmistakable sense of relief when he realized that she was teasing him. 

"I won't, Bess. Nancy is everything to me, and I will curse myself from now until forever for hurting her the way I did."

"Thank you," Bess replied. "I'm glad to hear you say it. Even though you don't owe me anything. You could've just told me to mind my own damn business, you know."

"I could have," he agreed. "But you're one of the people in this world that mean the most to Nancy, and I get why you felt the need to talk to me. We're friends, and I'm glad you felt you could."

Bess picked a cherry tomato off her plate and bit into it. "Well, I appreciate you hearing me out.  I hate having to be a hard-ass," she confided.

"You did a good job, if that's any consolation," he praised her.

Her smile was bright. "That's good to know." She took another tomato and dunked it into the plastic cup of dressing on the side of her plate.

"Bess, can I ask you something?" He had been debating bringing up something he had on his mind, but in the end, he couldn't resist mentioning it. After all, the opportunity might never come up again.

"Sure," she replied easily. This time, she fished a crouton out of the greens on her plate and crunched into it.

"Nan told me that when you came out to visit, she introduced you to… the cop." Ned couldn't bring himself to say aloud the name of the guy who had tried to steal his wife from him.

Bess nodded hesitantly as she wiped her fingers on her paper napkin, obviously caught off-guard by the topic of conversation that Ned had introduced.  "She did."

"How did… What did… How was Nan… _Fuck_ , I'm messing this up," he swore, unaware until then that he'd crumpled his own napkin in his fist.

"Are you asking me how they acted around each other?" Bess asked gently.

Ned nodded, relieved that she'd picked up on what he'd been trying to say. "Yeah."

"Ned…" She popped another piece of roll into her mouth and chewed; he suspected that she was stalling while she thought of an answer.

"You know what? Forget it," he told her, suddenly feeling foolish. "Forget I even brought it up. You don't have to tell me if you think that it'll somehow be a betrayal to Nan."

Bess looked nervous as she took a sip of her cola, swallowing hard. "I just don't want to say something and have you misconstrue the meaning of it. I don't want to be the one to jeopardize the amazing progress that the two of you have made."

Despite the fact that he had truly forgiven Nancy for the relationship she'd forged with that damn cop, Ned's stomach still twisted from what Bess _wasn't_ saying. The fact that she even thought she had to voice a disclaimer told him that she'd clearly witnessed _something_ significant between his wife and that asshole.

"Look, Bess, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I shouldn't have said anything."

She leaned forward. "Ned, let me tell you this. Whatever spark of attraction I noticed between Nan and Ben paled in comparison to what she has with you—what she's _always_ had with you.

"And I truly believe that the attraction was solely borne out of her loneliness and heartbreak and despair. She was sad and feeling desperate and unloved, and Ben… I think he's the kind of guy that feeds off that kind of thing.  He was hot and sexy and all, but…"

Ned didn't like hearing about his former rival's allure, but he didn't want to interrupt Bess, now that she'd opened up a little.  He took a sip of his own soda while he waited for her to continue.

"I just got the sense that he was a player.  He kinda got off on being Nan's savior, being the one to cheer her up and compliment her when she needed it. It's like he sensed her weakness and thought it would give him leverage to make her give in to him.

"Oh, don't get me wrong; I think that Ben genuinely liked her and thought she was hot—but I think he liked the chase more. And deep down, I think Nan knew it, but at that point, she craved the attention. However, she was also aware that it wasn't really _his_ attention and affection that she was seeking." Bess gave Ned a pointed stare.

"God, I fucked up," Ned groaned, settling back against the booth's cushions.  "I drove her into that asshole's arms, didn't I? And for what? For him to just use Nan for his amusement and try to get her into bed without a second thought about her feelings? So he could add another notch to his fucking bedpost?"

"Cut it out," Bess scolded him. "It's over. Nan didn't sleep with him because she loved _you_ —no matter what you said or what you did, she loved you. She's _always_ loved you. And that's why the two of you are back together.

"So it doesn't matter what happened that night when Nancy and I were out with Ben. It's in the past and you need to keep it there, Ned." Her tone was firm, signaling that she considered the discussion to be over.

"I will," he vowed. "Thank you for your reassurance."

"I just told you the truth as I saw it, Ned. That's all. Anyway, let's talk about happier things while I eat my salad." She picked up her fork again and took an enthusiastic bite of chicken. "Tell me all about the opening of your agency! Will there be any cute, single guys working there?"

Ned laughed, picking up his sandwich again. "What about that Hunter dude you were seeing?"

"As much as I hate to say it—and I'll deny it if you ever repeat this—George was right. He turned out to be kind of a douche."

"Sorry to hear that."

"I'll live," Bess proclaimed, leaning across the table to snag one of his fries. He moved his plate closer to make it easy for her. "But I'll likely get over him more quickly if you have a guy at your new agency that you can introduce to me."

"There might be one or two junior partners who are single," Ned grinned before taking a bite of his turkey club.

"Then I may just have to pay for your lunch."

\--

Nancy pulled into the parking garage of the office building where Ned and his partners were going to open their agency, noticing that her husband's car was in one of the front spaces. She pulled in a few rows behind him and hurriedly made her way to the garage's elevator, which brought her up to the building's lobby level.

Once inside, she showed her ID to the bored-looking security guard at the front desk before settling into one of the plush leather armchairs in the lobby, her tote bag at her side. After crossing her legs, one stiletto-shod foot dangling, Nancy smoothed the skirt of her dress over her knee.

She'd dressed with care that morning, wanting to make a good impression on Ned's new partners and their spouses. The black dress she'd picked had a design on the front made up of large white triangles, and it clung to her body without being too tight.  Her hair fell to her shoulders in shining reddish-blonde waves, and she'd made sure to put her makeup on with just a little more care than usual. All she wanted was for Ned to be proud to have her standing by his side as he launched this new endeavor.

Nancy knew that her husband was still anxious about this new undertaking, but she had been truthful when she'd told him his new agency would be hugely successful.  If she were honest with herself, though, she'd admit that she also couldn't help but be a little nervous—after all, the last time he'd been in a position like this, the man she loved had turned into a stranger. Each time she started to worry, she firmly reminded herself that he'd worked on fixing himself and their marriage far too hard to even begin reverting back to his old behaviors.

Just as she closed her compact after applying another coat of pale red lipstick, Nancy heard the lobby's entrance door open and a petite, slightly chubby woman with straight ash-blonde hair that cascaded down her back hurried up to where Nancy was seated.

"You're Nancy, right?" the woman asked, straightening the pale pink cardigan she had put on over a matching camisole. The outfit was completed by black slacks, a pair of sensible black flats, and a plain, oversized black leather handbag slung over her shoulder. No one would say that she had dressed stylishly, but the color of her sweater complimented the woman's fair complexion.

"I am," Nancy smiled, rising from her seat. "It's nice to see you again, Maura. I remember you from the holiday party you invited Ned and me to years ago."

"Yes, it's been a while!" the blonde beamed.

After Maura checked in with the guard, she and Nancy made small talk for a few minutes until Daniella's husband Joseph joined them, a large bouquet of calla lilies in shades of deep pinks and rich purples in one hand and a medium-sized paper-handled shopping bag in his other.  He was beautifully dressed in an obviously expensive black suit and purple silk tie, and the crease in his pants was still sharp, even at this time of the afternoon.

"Such lovely ladies," he boomed, his words taking on a slightly musical tone, thanks to his slight Italian accent. "You must be Nancy, because you are the redhead," he nodded at Nancy before turning to her companion, "so that makes you Maura." The women laughed.

"And with that charming accent, you must be Joseph," Nancy replied lightly.  

"Lovely flowers," Maura told him.

"They are Daniella's favorites. I thought she deserved them today."

"That's very thoughtful of you," Nancy smiled. "I'm sure she'll love them."

"My Chris never surprises me with flowers," Maura sighed after Joseph checked in with security and the three of them made their way to the elevator.  "But he's very romantic in other ways," she added loyally.

"Ned has gotten much better about romantic gestures lately," Nancy added as they got into the elevator, not wanting to disclose the reasons why.

"I am Italian and thus romantic by nature," Joseph declared.

"Ned and I honeymooned in Italy." Nancy fingered the silver-and-sapphire pendant at the hollow of her throat. "In fact, he bought this for me on that trip."

"Wow," Maura replied, obviously impressed. "We went to Hawaii. One of these days, we keep vowing we'll leave the kids with my parents and do a big European trip."

"You'd love it," Nancy told her.

"I am very partial to Italy, of course, but all of Europe is magical," Joseph proclaimed as they got off of the elevator at the fifteenth floor.

Nancy already knew her way from when Ned had brought her there to scope out the space, so she led the others down the hallway, which was painted a light gray and decorated with elegantly framed black-and-white photographs.

When they approached the smoky glass doors that led to the agency's would-be office, Nancy smiled, noticing the large white piece of paper taped to the left one.  It read "The NMC Group" in black Sharpie marker in what Nancy recognized as her husband's handwriting.

After much deliberation, Ned and his partners had decided to use the first initials of their surnames – Nickerson, Maroni, and Conners - as a name for their agency.  Ned had originally proposed that they use alphabetical order, but since he'd been the one to conceive of the idea of even starting the group in the first place, the other two had insisted that they list their initials in reverse order instead.  

Maura put her hand on Nancy's forearm. "Are we sure they're still here? Maybe they already left."

"Ned's car was parked outside," Nancy reminded her. "And we would have seen them come into the lobby while we were waiting there."

"Perhaps we will send you in first," Joseph suggested. "That way, you can make sure they're all in there."

Nancy chuckled. "I'll be your reconnaissance person.  Just wait here in the hallway.  Once I confirm that the three of them are still here, I can come get you in a few minutes."

Joseph and Maura nodded, moving to the side, where they wouldn't be seen by anyone who opened the door.

Nancy rapped her knuckles on the glass door, hoping someone would hear.

"Nan!" Ned beamed at her after pulling open the door. "What are you doing here, baby?"

"I heard that someone got the key to his new office today, so I thought I'd come by to offer up my congratulations!"

"Thank you, Nan! I'm so glad to see you." He gave her an enthusiastic hug and a kiss before taking her by the hand and tugging her towards one of the conference rooms. The office space was virtually devoid of furniture, except for a large desk in their reception area with no one behind it. Nancy's heels sank into the plush charcoal gray carpeting as they walked.

"Hey guys, look who's here!" Ned announced as they entered the conference room, which had a gorgeous view of downtown Chicago. It was also empty, but someone had thought to bring a few metal folding chairs, which were set up in a circle in the middle of the floor.  "You remember my beautiful wife Nancy, right?"

"Nancy! So nice to see you again!" Daniella greeted her, standing up. Her dark hair was pulled back in a sophisticated chignon and her chic deep purple pantsuit brought out her olive complexion.

Chris also rose from his chair. "Thanks for joining us," he grinned. He was a tall blond, his all-American good looks emphasized by his navy blazer, white shirt, red tie, and jeans.

"I hope I'm not interrupting a critical strategy session?" Nancy asked.

Ned laughed. "Not at all. We were just talking about how we can't wait for the furniture to be delivered on Thursday, because those folding chairs are a pain in the ass—figuratively and literally." They all laughed.

"The cleaning crew will be by tomorrow—and not a moment too soon," Daniella added, ruefully glancing at a dusty corner of the windowsill.

"Well, I'm glad I haven't barged in on the three of you working on something important, because I kind of have another surprise. Follow me?"

Ned and his partners looked puzzled but they willingly followed Nancy back into the reception area. Nancy could hear Daniella and Chris chuckle as they caught sight of their latest visitors, whose faces were pressed against the glass door.

"A few others came to join our party, I see!" Chris boomed as he opened the door. He and Daniella kissed their respective spouses as they entered the office.

"How did the three of you coordinate this, anyway?" Ned asked after shaking hands with Joseph and Maura.

"It was Nancy's idea," Maura informed him. "She called and suggested that we all come by once the three of you got the keys—and I thought it would be fun."

"I also loved the idea of coming to surprise Daniella," Joseph chimed in.  "It's not every day that my beautiful wife starts a fancy advertising agency, no?" He was about fifteen years older than Daniella, his gray hair giving him a distinguished appearance.

Ned turned to Nancy, obviously still curious. "How did you know how to get in touch with them?"

Nancy rolled her eyes at him. "I'm a detective, Nickerson." The group laughed.

 "And obviously a very good one," Daniella complimented her, glancing down at her flowers every now and then with a smile on her face.

"So, why don't we toast to our spouses?" Joseph proposed, diving into the paper shopping bag he was holding and taking out two bottles of champagne.

Nancy couldn't miss the look of slight unease that flashed across Ned's face at the sight of the alcohol.

"Let's," she echoed, taking a bottle of fancy sparkling apple cider out of the insulated sleeve that she'd tucked into her own tote bag. Nancy was sure that she was the only one that had caught the flicker of relief in her husband's eyes.

Maureen pulled out a sleeve of plastic champagne flutes and a towel from her purse; Joseph put the towel over the cork of the champagne bottle before twisting it off in order to avoid turning it into a projectile.

Once everyone's glasses were full—Nancy had decided to join Ned by also having cider but the other two couples opted for the champagne—Joseph raised his to start off the toasts.

"To The NMC Group—may you have more clients than you know what to do with! Daniella, _carissima_ , I wish you nothing but success. You are beautiful and smart and hard-working, and you deserve this." Daniella flushed with pleasure.

Maura was next. "To Chris, Daniella, and Ned—I know how hard the three of you have worked to make this day happen, and I am just so impressed. This will be the start of great things to come.

"Chris, I love you, and you should know that the kids and I are behind you a hundred percent. Look." She took a folded piece of paper out of her bag and handed it to her husband.

Everyone made noises of admiration as Chris held up the paper to show the crayon-scrawled drawing from his son. Nancy could make out the words _Congrats, Daddy_ in bold green, the crayon pushed so firmly against the paper that waxy flecks dotted the spaces around the letters.

"I'll frame it," Chris announced, a wide grin of pride on his face. "First piece of artwork to go up in my new office."

It was Nancy's turn. "Ned, I'm in awe of you for realizing your dream, and I'm so proud to be your wife. I love you so much, baby.

"Ned, Daniella, Chris… here's to new beginnings."  From the smile on Ned's face, Nancy could tell that he knew she wasn't just referring to the agency.

"Enough toasting; time to drink up!" Joseph boomed.

The plastic flutes made clunky, dull sounds as they struck against each other, and everyone took sips of their champagne or cider.

"I think it's safe to say that without the support and love of our spouses, we never would have been able to get this thing off the ground," Chris declared.

"You're right," Daniella agreed. "The three of you are our silent partners."

"I never would've had the guts to do this, baby, without you cheering me on." Ned slung an arm around Nancy's waist, and she nudged him with her hip. "Having your blessing has meant everything to me."

"As your silent partner, I, for one, think that we should have a _real_ celebration once the three of you officially open your doors and sign your first client," Joseph vowed.

Maura took another sip from her flute. "Definitely. And is it too early to start planning the holiday party?" Everyone laughed.

"Absolutely not. But first, I want the official tour of this place," Joseph declared. "Come, show me around, _carissima_." He held out his hand to Daniella.

As Chris and Daniella led their spouses around the office, Ned held Nancy back. "It was so thoughtful of you to coordinate this, sweetheart."

Nancy planted a quick kiss on his lips, then used her thumb to wipe away the remnants of her lipstick. "I just wanted to show you that I meant what I'd said. I am fully in your corner on this one, Ned."

"Come on, let's go check out where my office will be." He pulled her down the hallway to a large office that, like the conference room, had an impressive view of the city.

"Gorgeous," Nancy proclaimed. "I mean, I know you already showed it to me when you brought me to look at this place, but it's even more beautiful now that it's really yours! And it'll be drop-dead amazing once it's dark and the lights come up." She pointed out the window, where the late afternoon-sun glinted against the facades of the other buildings.

"I can't believe this is really happening," Ned said softly, closing the door behind them. "I can't believe this day is here."

She walked into his arms, holding him tightly. "Are you finally starting to feel excited again?"

"Yes," he replied, rubbing her back. "God, Nan, it's so close, I can almost taste it."

Nancy pulled back, smiling. "I know, sweetheart. In no time at all, you'll be doing what you love. And speaking of doing what you love…" she lowered her voice, even though the door was closed, "I can't wait until you get your desk so you can fuck me on it."

Ned laughed. "I'll call you up one night when I'm the only one working late and we'll christen it."

"It was fun when we did it on your boss's desk; imagine what it'll be like when it's yours."

He shivered. "Now I won't be able to think of anything else while I'm trying to work."

Nancy glanced down at her watch. "Were you planning on doing any more work here tonight? Because I have plans for us, Mr. Nickerson."

"Oh, really?" Ned raised one dark eyebrow.  "Where are we going, Mrs. Nickerson?"

She gave her husband a flirtatious grin. "That's for me to know and you to find out. Just follow me home so we can change and head back out again."

After they said their goodbyes to the two other couples and promised to plan a dinner once The NMC Group had their first signed contract, Nancy and Ned took the elevator down to the parking garage, and Nancy was amused when her husband kept trying to get her to divulge her plans before they got into their cars.

When they got home, Ned still looked puzzled. "What am I changing into? A tuxedo? Scuba diving gear?"

Nancy laughed. "Nothing that fancy, honey. Jeans and a sweatshirt are fine – I just didn't want to have to wear this dress any longer than I had to." She plucked at the neckline.

Ned raised his eyebrows salaciously. "I have no problem with getting you out of your dress, sweetheart—not that you don't look ridiculously sexy in it," he added quickly. "And if you don't want to put on anything after you're out of it, that's fine with me, too. "

"Well, since we're not staying home and it's chilly out, I think I'd better put on jeans and a sweater."

She was amused at how his eyes lingered on her underwear-clad body after she took off her dress. "Focus on getting dressed, Nickerson," she reminded her husband with a grin.

He shrugged disappointedly but followed her command, putting on his own jeans and a heather gray pullover.

Once they were dressed again, Nancy slipped her feet into a pair of comfy black flats, sighing in relief. The heels she'd worn all day were pretty, but had killed her feet.  A quick swipe of lip gloss and the addition of a gold locket that Ned had given her while they'd been dating made her outfit of a lightweight black cashmere sweater and boyfriend jeans rolled up at the cuffs seem a little fancier.

They took her car and she could tell that Ned was still curious about their destination, but he willingly played along. When she pulled into the parking lot of the pizzeria, he let out a loud chuckle.

"Pizza at Dino's?"

"I thought it might be nice, especially since we haven't been here since our return to Illinois."

Ned put his hand on his door handle, but she stopped him with a touch of her fingertips against his forearm. "Nope—this is a to-go order, Nickerson. Stay here."

She re-emerged from the restaurant within ten minutes carrying a large pizza box, the handles of a small paper shopping bag looped around one of her wrists. Once she'd stashed their dinner in the trunk, Nancy got back into the driver's seat.

"I have a feeling I know where you're headed," Ned grinned when she started the car.

Nancy just smiled and kept on driving.

"Our favorite bench by the banks of the Muskoka," he pronounced happily when she parked by the river. "I love it."

"Well," she replied, turning to face her husband, "it's a beautiful night and I thought it would be fun to come to one of 'our' places."

Ned leaned forward to kiss her. "This is great, baby. I couldn't have come up with a better idea myself."

"Are you sure? I mean, I thought about going somewhere fancy like Chez Louis, but we just took that trip to Vegas and we're trying to save money—"

He cut her off with a gentle press of his fingertips to her lips. "It's perfect, Nan. A pizza from our high school hangout and a picnic at one of our favorite teenage makeout spots is a perfect way to celebrate a night like tonight."

Ned helped her to carry the food to their bench and they eagerly dug into the pizza, munching on slices in contented silence as they watched the river glisten in the setting sun. They shared the two-liter bottle of cola that Nancy had picked up to go with the pie, passing it back and forth to take sips in between bites of their pizza.

After Ned had polished off two slices, she dug into the brown bag again and took out a huge meatball hero, laughing at how his eyes lit up at the sight of his favorite sandwich.  They broke off pieces of the hero, Nancy's much smaller than Ned's, and wiped their tomato sauce-stained fingers on the napkins she'd grabbed before leaving Dino's.

Once they'd finished eating, Ned dumped their trash into a nearby waste bin before coming back to the bench. He put his arm around her shoulders and Nancy cuddled in close.

"You are the greatest wife, you know that?" He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Planning that little celebratory toast, picking this place for us to have dinner…"

"I just wanted to prove that I'm fully behind you on this, Ned. I know you're still scared—that's only natural—but I don't want fear to ruin this experience for you. You are going to be so successful; I'm sure of it."

"With you standing by my side, how can I lose?"

"I'll always be by your side, Ned."

His lips and tongue tasted of spicy tomato sauce and the scent of his cologne clung to his sweater; the combination was so sweetly familiar to Nancy that her eyes pricked with tears.

"What is it, baby?" Ned whispered, skimming the pad of his thumb underneath one of her eyes.

She almost told him it was nothing, nearly hid her emotions from him before she reminded herself that it had led to their problems in the past.

Instead, she spoke from her heart. "When we were apart, I truly thought that we'd never have this again. That every time I'd pass by the river for the rest of my life, I'd feel a stab of pain in my heart because it would make me remember you and what I'd lost. The last time we were here together, I was so sad and angry and…"

"Baby…" Ned brushed his thumb under her other eye, catching a drop of moisture. "You don't ever have to think like that again; all you have to do is remember all of the special times we shared here.  How we used to hold each other and watch the sun setting over the water, how we used to kiss each other breathless until I had to take you home so you wouldn't miss your curfew…

"Last time was an aberration, Nan. It was just one terrible blip in a lifetime's worth of good memories. This is our place, sweetheart. Where our relationship grew and flourished, where we'll one day bring our children to play. That's why I was so touched you brought me here tonight."

"Our children," she echoed softly. "I like the sound of that." For the first time, the thought of having a family with Ned didn't make her ache from the memory of the baby they'd lost.

"That's right. Maybe we'll even have a sweet strawberry blonde with blue eyes the size of saucers." Ned tugged at a lock of Nancy's hair. "We'll bring her here in her stroller and let her toddle around while she terrorizes the poor ducks, running after them with pieces of bread."

Nancy laughed. "What about a handsome little boy with dark brown hair and eyes who giggles while his daddy pushes him on the swings over there?" She pointed to the playground area off in the distance. "Or who loves to play catch right here in the grass?"

"Or both," Ned proposed. "Having two beautiful children sounds really good to me, sweetheart. I don't care if they're boys or girls or one of each, just as long as they're healthy and happy."

"Me either. I still want that with you, one day."

"When we're both ready," he agreed softly. "Until then, I think we'd better practice our skills, Nan. After all, we want to make sure we get it right when we're in babymaking mode."

She shook her head, amused. "And here I thought that we were already pretty damn good at doing what it takes to make a baby, Nickerson."

"Silly girl," he teased affectionately. "One can never have enough practice. Besides, I seem to remember a night exactly like this before we left for California—a dinner of pizza on this very bench, followed by us getting busy in the backseat of our car."

Nancy raised one silky reddish-blonde eyebrow. "I suppose you want a repeat performance of that?"

"Well, I mean, we _are_ celebrating," Ned reminded his wife loftily. "And you brought me here to do something nice for me."

"And you think that something nice means fucking you in the backseat again." She posed it as a statement rather than a question, but she knew he could see the glint in her eye.

"Here's hoping, sweetheart."

She gave him a long, lingering kiss before rising from the bench and taking his hand, tugging him towards the spot where she'd parked earlier. Ned followed eagerly, holding the back passenger side door open for her.

The minute he closed the door behind them, he reached for her. Nancy sighed contentedly as his hands spanned her waist just underneath her sweater. As their lips touched, she ran her hands over his broad shoulders, up his neck, and through his dark hair.

Their tongues slid over each other slowly, and she tightened her fingers in his hair. Nancy's heart was pounding so hard that she could hear the thudding in her ears; their kisses were so passionate that their breath came out in ragged pants. Suddenly, Ned sat back against the cushion of the backseat and pulled her onto his lap. She wrapped her legs around his waist, her inner flesh clenching with anticipation as she felt him stirring beneath his jeans. 

"So good," he muttered, sliding his hands up to caress her breasts through her bra. "You feel so fucking good, baby."

Her nipples tightened from his touch. "Take it off," she murmured. "Take off my shirt."

She had barely gotten out the sentence when Ned yanked the sweater up and over her head, dropping it onto the floor of the backseat. Nancy whimpered as he pushed his fingertips into the cups of her bra, rocking her hips against his. They were practically dry humping by this point, and she was glad she'd thought to stash a few condoms in her purse; there was no way she could possibly wait until they made it home to get him inside her.

Ned apparently had the same thought. "God, I just want to fuck," he groaned. "I want to get into that tight little pussy."

"Take off my jeans and fuck me," she panted.

He crushed his mouth against hers, their tongues fiercely clashing now as his hands slid back to the clasp of her bra. Just as he'd undone the first hook, their mouths still fused together, Nancy heard knocking.

"Hey, kids, this isn't a place for parking. Find somewhere else to hook up," a muffled voice commanded authoritatively as the sound of knuckles rapping against the window became more insistent.

As Nancy and Ned sprang apart, the interior of the car was bathed in a yellow ray of light.

"Shit," Nancy whispered frantically, suddenly remembering that she was half-dressed.  She quickly crossed her arms over her chest. 

Ned opened the door just enough so that he and Nancy could see a uniformed patrol officer in his mid-twenties glaring at them as he trained the beam of his flashlight over the interior of the car.

"We are so sorry, officer," he declared, clearing his throat.

Nancy, realizing that she was still straddling her husband, hastily climbed off Ned and dropped into the seat next to him, leaning over his lap so she could talk to the cop. "Very sorry, sir," she chimed in, feeling her cheeks flush.

"Oh," the officer replied, clearly taken aback when he realized that the couple in the backseat was older than he thought they'd be. "I thought…"

"Yeah, we're not in high school," Ned told him, and Nancy could hear the lazy amusement in his tone. "We're married, and—"

"Hey, it's none of my business who you want to fool around with, just as long as it's not here in public," the officer declared. "I'm not going to call your spouses if you leave now."

Despite her overwhelming mortification, Nancy couldn't quite keep a straight face; one quick glance at Ned, and she could tell that he was having the same problem.

"We're married to _each other_ ," Nancy told the policeman, biting her lip as she tried not to laugh. "He's my husband."

"I see," the cop replied sternly. "Well, consider this your warning; next time you want to engage in some cheap thrills to spice things up, do it somewhere else. Otherwise, I'll have to bring you in on charges of public indecency."

"Yes, officer," Nancy and Ned chorused contritely.

"We're very sorry," she added. "It will never happen again."

"Never," Ned echoed.

\--

When she and Ned walked into the house thirty minutes later, they were both still laughing. 

"I can't believe we got caught," Ned chuckled, heading into the kitchen.

"Tell me about it," Nancy replied, following him. "At least _you_ weren't half-naked."

"Hey, the reason we didn't get taken to the station house was probably because you looked so damn sexy in your bra." He went to the refrigerator for a bottle of water, taking a long swig.

"Thank God he didn't come by five minutes later—we probably would have been fucking by then. Then we _really_ would've given him a show." Nancy shuddered as she thought about it.

"I'm just grateful that it wasn't one of the cops that know your dad," Ned declared, passing her the bottle when she held out her hand. "Because _that_ wouldn't have been horribly awkward the next time we got together for a family event."

She took a sip of water. "Having to wonder whether Dad knew we were trying to screw in the backseat of our car? Yeah."

"So far, we've gotten caught in Paris and by the Muskoka. Start thinking now about where you want to do it in public next so we can make it a trifecta," Ned snickered.

Nancy swatted at him half-heartedly. "No thanks."

He walked over to her and put his arms around her waist. "Meanwhile, things were just getting heated up when that cop interrupted us."

Her lips curved upwards. "Hmm, they were. And we're still celebrating your big day."

Ned kissed the side of her jaw and made his way down her neck. "I think I'd like to continue the celebration when we're naked."

Nancy pulled away and yanked her sweater over her head, tossing it to the floor before she stepped out of her shoes, unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down her legs. "So tell me where you want to fuck."

Ned's eyes gleamed wickedly. "That's a dilemma. Kitchen table, so I can spread you out and eat that delicious pussy before I slide in and out of you? The couch again, so you can ride me?"

The join of her thighs tingled in anticipation. "What if we continue our outside escapades in a place where we can't get caught?"

He reached out and tweaked one of her already tight nipples through the sheer blue lace of her bra. "I'm intrigued, Mrs. Nickerson."

She grabbed her purse from the tabletop and palmed a few of the foil packets she'd stored inside before answering. "Then follow me, Mr. Nickerson."

Nancy opened the door leading out to their backyard, shivering from the cool night air. She pointed to a deck chair and Ned sat down eagerly.

Grabbing a cushion off another chair, she knelt onto it. When she unzipped his jeans and freed his cock from his shorts, he hummed in pleasure.

She looked up at him for a moment, not saying anything, before slowly licking the tip of his cock.

"Yep, that's it," he urged her on. "More, sweetheart."

She licked him again before sucking him between her lips. As she slid his shaft in and out of her mouth, Nancy caressed his balls, her fingertips skimming the firm globes. She knew he loved it when she did that; after all, he was the one who taught her how to go down on him.

"So good," Ned muttered, fisting his hands in her hair. "This feels so good."

Somewhere in the distance, Nancy could hear a dog barking in a neighbor's yard and crickets chirping in the bushes. The cold night air was making her nipples even tighter and her arms and legs prickled with gooseflesh, but the hollow between her thighs was hot and wet.

"Not that you aren't doing a great job," Ned panted, "but I really want to fuck, Nan."

Nancy slowly withdrew his cock from her mouth, letting the ridges drag across her palate before kissing the very tip, which was slightly salty from the drop of pre-cum she found there.  She got to her feet and shimmied out of her panties, then pushed down his pants before straddling his lap.

"By the way, it's freezing out here," she whispered.

"Let's see if I can warm you up." Ned's hands caressed her bare ass and roamed over her lace-covered breasts.

Their kisses were deep and insistent and Nancy kept rocking up and down so that her inner lips rubbed against the underside of his erection. The backyard was bathed in moonlight and all she could think about how romantic it would be to make love with her husband here.

Ned's hands slid up her back, unhooking her bra. Now she was naked on top of him, but he was still half-clothed. Nancy suddenly longed to feel his bare chest against hers, so she reached for the hem of his sweater, pulling it over his head and tossing it onto the patio. Her arms stole around his neck as her lips remained fused to his.

"I love you," he muttered against her lips. "I love you so much, baby."

"I love you, too," she whispered back, shuddering as the ridge at the tip of his cock brushed against her clit.  Nancy reached for the foil packets she'd dumped on the table and tore into one, sheathing his erection with one deft twist of her wrist.

Ned looked down and started to laugh. "Glow in the dark, baby?"

She giggled at the sight of his cock, which was lit up in a greenish-yellow cast.  "I know you've hated using them, so I thought I'd try to make it fun."

"Well, I always did like watching as I penetrate you—now it'll be even easier."

His cock was hot in her palm, a stark contrast to the chilly air around them. Nancy guided him towards her entrance as she sank down, noting with amusement that his eyes remained fixed on where they were joined.

"It's silly, but it's also kind of hot, baby."

She moved up so that he was almost out of her, then slowly slid down again. "It feels so good, but I can't get the right angle," she sighed in frustration. "I don't think this chair was made for fucking."

Ned grinned at her. "I'll bet _that_ is." He gestured toward the table where they ate whenever they grilled outside.

"I think that may be one of the few places left around here where we haven't had sex," she remarked.

"Then let's try it out." He stood up, his cock still inside her, and Nancy wrapped her arms and legs around him to keep from falling.

When he laid her down on the table, she squealed as her bare ass and back made contact with the cold table. "Sorry," he told her. "I should've put down a blanket or something."

"It's okay." Nancy propped herself up on her hands.

Ned gently tugged her hips down so that her ass was on the edge of the table and his erection was lined up with her opening. His hands were on either side of her head as he looked down at her, and they both watched as he slid inside her again.

"So much better than the chair," Nancy sighed.

He gently began rocking his hips forward, using shallow thrusts to penetrate her, and Nancy cupped one of her hands around her breast, pinching the nipple.

"I love being able to see my cock disappear up inside of you," he growled, moving faster and going deeper.

Nancy tossed her head, feeling her hair cascade down her bare back. "And I love feeling it inside of me. Nice and big and thick."

Her words made Ned groan and he slammed his hips forward so that his cock was sheathed to the hilt. Nancy gasped from the pleasure and clenched around him tightly.  She took her hand off her breast to claw at his shoulder and her fingernails dug into him harder when he began stroking her clit with his thumb.

"Yes," she panted. "God, that's it."

Ned withdrew entirely from her, making her groan in disappointment; that groan turned to one of delight when he fully penetrated her again.  Her hips ground against his in a frantic rhythm and she bent one knee, feeling the edge of the table dig into her heel while she hooked the other leg around her husband's waist.  The table shook with each of his thrusts.

Nancy's face was burning and the valley between her breasts was slick with perspiration, despite the cold temperature of the night. The sound of his cock sliding against her wet inner flesh and the vibration of the metallic legs of the table competed with their pants and moans.  Dimly she realized that the neighbors in the house behind theirs could probably look outside their bedroom window and watch her and Ned fucking, but she was too far gone to even care. Besides, she had deliberately left the back light off, so all a Peeping Tom would be able to see would be their shadows.

"So sexy," Ned growled. "Your pussy feels so good and you look and sound so sexy, baby."

She bit her lip as his thumbnail pressed down on her clit. "Oh my God," she whispered, moving her hand back to her nipple. "Oh God, _yes_."

"You like this, baby? You like getting fucked in our backyard for our neighbors to see and hear?"

His voice hitched with each of his thrusts, making him sound even sexier. "Fuck, yes," she panted.  "So damn good."

Ned's hips moved faster, and her breasts bounced as they fucked even harder.  He sucked one nipple into his mouth as his thumb and finger teased her clit, and that was what pushed Nancy over the edge. She came with a thin, high cry of pleasure, the muscles between her thighs pulsing around his cock.

Nancy panted and gasped as he rode out her climax, and Ned gave a few more deep thrusts before going rigid and letting out a loud grunt that signaled his own orgasm.

They both took gulping, ragged breaths as they tried to recover, and she noticed that Ned had to hold onto the edge of the table to keep himself upright.

"You okay?" she wheezed.

"My legs are fucking killing me," he groaned as he pulled out of her. "My muscles got a real workout from that, baby."

Nancy laughed. "Well, so did mine, so we're even."  She struggled to shift to a sitting position, her legs dangling off the table.

Ned looked down at his now-limp cock, still cloaked in the glow-in-the-dark condom. "It looks so sad now."

Giggling, Nancy reached down and stripped off the condom. "You're always a stallion to me, sweetheart."

He dragged over a chair and plopped into it, pulling Nancy onto his lap. When she slumped against him, Ned circled his arms around her waist, pulling her close. Now that her pulse rate was getting back to normal, she was starting to feel cold again, and she snuggled into him.

"We should probably get inside; it's really cold out here," he whispered against her hair.

"Mmph," she agreed, her voice muffled by the side of his neck. "Can't move yet."

Ned laughed. "I need a minute too, so I can get my strength back."

Nancy shifted so that she was looking him in the face, and smiled when he cupped her cheek in his palm. "So it was that good?"

He dropped a kiss on the tip of her nose as he rubbed her bare back. "Baby, it was amazing—whenever I make love with you, it's amazing. Thank you so much for everything tonight. Coordinating the visit with Maura and Joseph, dinner at our favorite spot by the river, this… You are the sweetest, most thoughtful wife, and I'm so lucky you're mine."

If Nancy's cheeks weren't already hot from the exertion she'd just put forth, she surely would have flushed from his compliments. "Thank you. I just wanted you to feel special, because you deserve it. By the way, I also have something else for you."

He raised his eyebrows lasciviously, and Nancy giggled. "Not that, pervert. An actual present. Come on, take me inside so I can give it to you."

After fishing for their clothes and underwear, they went back into the house. The heat had kicked on, and it felt deliciously warm to Nancy. She picked up her jeans and shirt from the kitchen floor and accepted the wet paper towel that Ned handed to her, using it to wipe between her thighs. Once she was cleaned up, she tossed the towel into the trash and followed Ned upstairs to their bedroom.

He slipped on a pair of flannel pajama pants and she put on the matching top and a clean pair of panties before they went into the bathroom to wash up for bed.

"Stay here," she ordered before disappearing down the hall.

After a lot of consideration, she had determined that the closet in their office was the best hiding place for Ned's gift because he hardly ever used it. Nancy now dug into the back of the closet and took out a large, flat, rectangular-shaped parcel. It wasn't easy for her to carry, but she somehow managed to drag it back to the bedroom, where Ned was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Nan—"

"I know we're trying to save money, but I've been on the lookout for something like this since you talked about opening your own agency, and I've been saving up for when I found it."

He set the present on one edge on the floor and began tearing at the navy-and-silver paper she'd wrapped it in. When the wrapping was all undone, he gasped. 

"Nan…"

"Do you like it?" She had been sure that he would, but his speechlessness was making her nervous.

"Nan, this is _incredible,"_ he breathed. "Is it—"

"A reproduction?" she finished his sentence. "No. It's genuine. I went to Mr. Faber's shop and asked him to find me a real one."

The gift had been expensive, but Nancy felt like the splurge was worth it. From her online research, she'd determined that this advertising poster from the early nineteen-hundreds was part of a series that was especially desirable because of its beautifully intricate artwork, which had been done by a famous artist. At first, she had searched the online auction sites, but she had then decided it would be better to have her old friend procure one for her instead.  Mr. Faber had also been able to suggest a framer that specialized in rare artwork.

"Baby, it's _beautiful_. I've always wanted a poster like this—the work is amazing," he marveled, still studying the bold colors on the print. Ned shook his head, clearly still astonished by the gift.

"I know you have. I thought it would be good for you to hang in your office," she told him shyly.

"Definitely," he replied emphatically before kissing her on the lips and giving her a huge hug. "I know just where I'll put it, too. It's gorgeous, sweetheart. Thank you so much. Every time I look at it, I'll think of my amazing wife."

"You're very welcome."

Ned got up and carefully placed the poster in the corner of their bedroom. "If I weren't exhausted, I'd _really_ show you my appreciation."

Nancy laughed as she pushed back the covers and settled into bed, patting the mattress next to her.  "You can make it up to me tomorrow night."

He climbed in next to her and pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair. "Today was so special, sweetheart."

"I'm glad—that's exactly how I wanted you to feel, Ned. And speaking of special," she continued, changing the subject, "our wedding anniversary's coming up soon."

"That it is, Mrs. Nickerson," he mused.

"Considering all that we've been through, maybe we should do something really unique this year."

"Well, we already got caught nearly fucking in the backseat of our car, so that's out," he drawled, chuckling when Nancy delivered a playful punch to his midsection. "Seriously, though, I think we should try to make this a memorable anniversary."

"Did you want to take another trip, or…?"

"Maybe we should celebrate a little closer to home. I kind of had an idea, but I don't know how you'd feel about it."

"Try me," Nancy replied, raising her head to look down at him.

"What if we renew our vows? We could have a little ceremony, with just the two of us, or we could invite a few close friends and family members." Ned sounded tentative as he voiced his suggestion.

She smiled, tracing the tip of her index finger over his lips. "I love that idea, sweetheart. Saying our vows to each other again after everything that happened would be beautiful. And as much as I like the idea of it just being the two of us, I also feel like it would be important for our friends and family members to hear us recommit ourselves to each other."

Ned gently closed his fingers around her wrist and kissed her fingertips. "That would be great. We could invite our parents and Hannah, of course, but we could also have Jan and Mike and Bess and George there."

She nodded as he kissed her palm. "I think it would be great if we invited Sol, too—especially since he was so instrumental in getting us back together. Without him, I don't think we'd be celebrating anything together, ever again."

"I totally agree," he replied soberly.

"We could have the ceremony in the backyard and then have a luncheon or a dinner afterwards. Then, later that night, we could either go to a hotel or come up here to have our own little private party for two."

"That sounds great, but I have an important question." When she gazed at him quizzically, he gave her an impish grin. "Will you be wearing lingerie for that private party?"

"I can be," Nancy chuckled. "If you'd like."

"I'd definitely like." Ned yawned.

She echoed his yawn, reaching over to turn out the light. Grabbing for the covers, she pulled them over herself and Ned before dropping her head onto his shoulder. "You wore me out, too."

"Let's finalize our anniversary plans once we're both more awake, sweetheart." He turned his head and tenderly kissed her forehead.

"Once again, we're on the same page." Nancy sighed happily as her eyes drifted closed.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter by ndnickerson.

"Shit. This is why it was a mistake to wait until two weeks before the wedding," Bess groaned, staring with dismay at the sheets of paper in her hand. "Let's see... I could buy them a four-piece set of mugs. For _two-hundred-fifty fucking_ _dollars_."

Nancy gave Bess a small frown. "I'm sorry. I know it's my fault."

Bess waved off her apology. "It's not like I couldn't have just ordered them something online," she reassured her best friend. "I just kept putting it off. And here we are." Bess let out another exasperated sigh. "Seriously, just because Wendy's marrying some insanely rich guy doesn't mean I want to buy them a—" Her eyes widened. "Two- _hundred_ -dollar salt and pepper shakers? What the hell did she _do_ , just run around the store scanning the most expensive shit she could find?"

"Probably," Nancy chuckled.

Bess's arms lifted in a dramatic gesture, then fell down, her hand striking her thigh and making the printed wedding registry ruffle. "There should be a rule. Cute girls who always find themselves unlucky in love should only be required to attend two weddings a year. Which means I'm already at my quota."

"That include vow renewals?" Nancy teased, her voice light.

"Of course not. You and Ned are definitely an exception to that rule. Speaking of... Have you decided about whether to wear your dress yet?"

Nancy let out a frustrated groan. "No," she moaned. "I haven't decided. Between buying Ned a new ring and meeting with the florist, coordinating with the minister who married us the first time..." She reached up and ran a hand through her reddish-gold hair. Off Bess's raised eyebrow, Nancy shook her head. "I'm not complaining. Really. I know it sounds like I am, but I'm not. I never thought we'd make it back here."

Bess reached up and wrapped Nancy in a reassuring one-armed hug. "But you did," she said with a smile. "So it's only right that you celebrate." Then a thought struck her, and her eyebrow quirked up again. "You said that you don't register for vow-renewal gifts, right?"

"Right," Nancy confirmed with a nod. "It's considered inappropriate. Otherwise I would hand you a scanner and let you go to town, and then shower you with small kitchen appliances."

Bess grinned. Although she was already well-established in her household and didn't really need anything else, Bess loved to browse through department stores for new home-decoration ideas, and she was clearly both insanely jealous and disdainful of Wendy's extravagant registry. It didn't help that once they were in the home department of the store, Bess spotted several china patterns she immediately began to coo over. The salesperson loitering at the counter saw Bess's designer sunglasses and fashionable leather purse and walked over with a smile, eager to answer any questions she might have.

Nancy was struck by a sudden thought, and as she walked over to one of the other displays, tucked further back into the corner, her heart skipped a beat. She didn't see the pattern she had picked for her wedding china, though. She wasn't entirely surprised. It hadn't come from this store.

Their vow renewal ceremony wasn't about trying to pretend the past hadn't happened; it was about leaving it where it was and getting better. But Nancy felt like replacing the two dinner plates she had broken during their huge fight in Los Angeles would be a fitting thing to do, now. She hadn't been able to bring herself to do it yet.

She had believed their relationship was broken, that nothing could possibly repair or reverse the damage that had been done to them. She had feared that being around Ned would do exactly what George had said—it would lull her into a false sense of security and nostalgia, making her believe they could somehow reclaim their past, drawing her back in when trying to make it work would only hurt her.

But she had heard that most women forgot the pain of childbirth almost immediately, and when Ned had moved back in for good, when his suitcases were unpacked and everything put away, she had been able to feel herself starting to relax again. Her relationship with Ned had been a crucial part of her life for a long time. When he was back, he wasn't just the guy he had been before he had accepted that promotion and moved out to California; he was someone at once achingly familiar and charmingly different to her. He was devoted to her. He listened to her; he didn't take sleeping with her for granted. And he had been so sweet about the vows he was planning on writing for their renewal. She had found a few envelopes planted around the house with notes on their faces chastising her not to look inside, and sweet sayings written on the scraps of paper she found inside when she inevitably gave in to the temptation to look. He knew her too well, and she had missed that.

She had been debating for a long time about what to say for her vows. According to most of what she had read, not a lot of rules existed for how to handle the vow renewal ceremony. She could tell him again what she had told him on their original wedding day, if she wished.

But when she looked back at the woman she had been then, barely out of her teens, almost blindly in love with her longtime boyfriend, convinced that they were the exception to the rule, that they would be forever... While she had considered walking away from their marriage, she hadn't actually done it. When she had told him she wanted a divorce, a part of her had been frozen in shock from the miscarriage, hoping to provoke some genuine reaction from him, some tearful apology that would win her back. She had _wanted_ him to win her back. She had been searching so desperately for the spark that had joined them in the first place and proof that it hadn't entirely burned away, but more than that—proof that believing in him and what they could be again wouldn't be the biggest mistake of her life.

She thoroughly believed that marrying him those years ago hadn't been a mistake. She was even more convinced that their relationship now was going to last. Walking into it with fear was the last thing either of them needed.

She had taken him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. They had been through it all now, in ways she had never imagined.

The dress she had worn back then, on their original wedding day, had been professionally preserved and was in her closet now. She could pull it out and try it on—she was within a few pounds of the weight she had been then, so the fit wouldn't be a problem—but they weren't the same anymore; she wasn't the same person anymore. The dress was elaborate, a blinding white with a full ball skirt, laced up the back. It was heavy and structured and formal. And this was the perfect opportunity for her to wear it again. She wouldn't find a better one.

But they were holding their vow renewal ceremony in the backyard of their home, and when she imagined putting that large formal dress back on for an otherwise relaxed and less formal ceremony, she just felt like it would look a little silly.

While helping her plan, though, Bess had told Nancy that it was their ceremony, their vows, and she could do whatever she wanted. If she wanted to come in wearing full Marie Antoinette regalia, according to Bess, she should totally do it and look fabulous in the process.

"Nan?"

Nancy was startled from her thoughts by Bess, who had two boxes in her arms. "Hey."

"Hi." Bess grinned. "Okay, we need to get one of these to the customer service department to wrap."

"And the other one?" Nancy raised an eyebrow, a small smile on her own face.

"Oh, this is just a little gift for me." Bess giggled.

While they were there, Nancy had the serving platter she had bought for the happy couple wrapped too. Bess had pulled out her phone to check it in case she had any messages from Dex, a commercial graphic designer with a wicked sense of humor who seemed to worship the ground Bess walked on, at least so far. They had only been on a few dates and nothing was official yet, but Bess kept hoping.

Bess frowned when she checked her phone, though, tossing it back into her purse before she began to check all her social media pages for any new updates. To distract her, Nancy suggested that they pop into the department store most likely to carry replacement pieces for her wedding china. Bess agreed, as long as they stopped for a smoothie on the way—either before or after.

"So refresh me again on the guest list?" Bess asked after they had put their registry purchases in the trunk of the car and headed back into the mall. "You and Ned, obviously, and me and George..."

"I was thinking that would be it," Nancy said, deadpan, then shook her head. "Plus the in-laws and my dad and Hannah, Mike and Jan, Howie and Shayna, Helen and Jim, and Sol and his wife."

Bess nodded. Nancy and Ned had told their close friends and family that they had been going to therapy, so they wouldn't be surprised when they met Sol. "And, Dex...?"

Nancy paused, unsure of exactly how to say what was on her mind. She was only silent for a few seconds when Bess spoke up again.

"Isn't exactly invited. It's cool. Really." Bess's expression was open and sympathetic when Nancy looked up at her again. "I know that this is going to be a really personal thing, and I get it."

Nancy smiled gratefully. "It's just—I'd hate for that to be his first introduction to us, you know?" She shrugged.

"I understand." Bess shrugged too. "And who knows. Maybe this time next year, you'll be helping me plan _my_ wedding!"

Nancy gave her best friend another smile. George had liked to tease her cousin that she had been planning weddings since she was old enough to hold a Barbie and Ken doll upright, that for Bess it didn't really matter who "Ken" was. For a while Bess had been touchy about it, had denied it, but now she just tossed her hair when she acknowledged that of _course_ she already had both mental _and_ preliminary seating plans for the reception of her dreams already sketched out.

Bess needed to believe that true love existed. She had always been one of the biggest supporters of Nancy and Ned's relationship, and Nancy had long known that Bess was desperately sad that her best friend had found the kind of love she wanted to find without her doing the same.

It was just that Bess usually had such abysmal taste in men. Not that Nancy could really help out that much, she thought but kept to herself; generally the men she met through work were cheating, lying spouses, saboteurs and corporate spies, or otherwise flawed in some spectacularly catastrophic way.

Ned had told Nancy that a few single guys and possible good candidates were working at the agency, but they had been kept so busy with work for new and potential clients that they hadn't thrown a big grand-opening mixer yet. Bess had apparently decided that her Prince Charming might very well be at that party, and Nancy hoped for her sake that were true. Now that Nancy was back in Chicago for good and she and Ned were stable, now that she no longer had the perpetual worry about her troubled marriage hanging over her, reconnecting with her friends and her life had been a lot easier.

When she reached the home-store section of the second department store, Nancy quickly scanned through the display sets. She didn't see her exact pattern, although she did see a few sets in that brand name.

When Bess saw the look of dismay on her face, she patted Nancy's back. "Which one are you looking for?"

Nancy told her with a sigh. "But I don't see it."

"Here." Bess reached into her pocket for the folded page of Wendy's wedding registry, handing it to Nancy. "Write down the name and I'll go find a salesperson. Why don't you go look through the dresses and I'll find you there?"

Nancy paused. "But—I don't want to waste your time..."

Bess waved her off. "Go, seriously. Besides, this way I can do a little browsing before we have to get out of here. I have to get home before the cable guy shows up."

"Did it go out again?"

Bess rolled her eyes. "Apparently some idiot with a backhoe managed to cut the line, or that's what my neighbor heard. Anyway. Go! I'll catch up with you in a few. And then you can buy me that smoothie." She winked.

Nancy couldn't help chuckling. "All right, deal."

The dresses Nancy found on the rack were for early fall; the new collection for the approaching season was already out. The headless mannequins were dressed in ribbed cotton shirts, wool tartans, fine cashmere sweaters and wraps the color of dying autumn leaves. Long-sleeved too, Nancy noted with a frown. That definitely wouldn't work.

After browsing through some clearance sundresses she deemed too casual for their vow renewal, Nancy found herself in the prom dress department, which just made her laugh. She strode briskly past styles that would have raised eyebrows and provoked expulsion from the River Heights High prom if any of her classmates had worn them. On the other side she found mother of the bride dresses, then evening gowns. By habit she gravitated to the clearance rack. Even when Ned had been spending money like it was going out of style in California, Nancy had been reluctant to buy the full-price intensely fashionable brand-name dresses. Besides, the newly-stocked fall collections were rich and mostly jewel-toned; they wouldn't work for the ceremony.

Part of the fun of browsing through the clearance rack meant finding a much smaller selection available in her size. Conscious that Bess didn't have all afternoon for her to try on dresses, Nancy grabbed three of the likelier ones; she left the fourth, which had several loose threads dangling free above the sequined collar and hem.

The first dress looked awful on her, and Nancy couldn't get out of it fast enough—even though she very nearly was caught in it as she tried to wriggle out of it. The second dress she liked well enough, and the price was good, but it just wasn't all that striking. If she was going to wear a new dress instead of her sure to be striking wedding dress, she wanted her outfit to be beautiful. She wanted to see Ned's expression light up when he saw her in her outfit for the first time.

When she finished fastening the third dress and turned to view her reflection, her face still a little flushed from wriggling around inside the other two dresses, she was surprised by what she saw. Surely it couldn't really be this easy.

"Nan! You in here?"

"Yep," Nancy called back, her tone still a little distracted. She reached for the lock on the dressing room door.

"Good news!" Bess was grinning at her when Nancy opened the door. "They had it—holy _shit_ , Nan, that looks _incredible._ "

Nancy smiled, smoothing her hands over her hips. "You think so?"

Bess nodded vehemently, stepping back and gesturing for Nancy to check out her reflection in the tri-fold mirror. Nancy walked slowly over to it, watching the way the dress flowed with her every step.

She wouldn't have chosen it ordinarily, but Nancy had to agree with Bess; the dress really did look incredible. It was a pale nude chiffon gown with a sweetheart neckline, a wrapped cap-sleeve bodice with an asymmetric waistline and a floor-length skirt. What really set it off, though—

"Oh, wow. That's really pretty," Bess breathed.

Nancy turned to look at the back in the larger mirror. The back of the dress was all floral lace appliqués down to the waistline, and echoed the top of her wedding gown. It also buttoned up, and she knew Ned would like that. It was sweet and sophisticated and sexy without crossing the line, and she absolutely adored it. The clearance price really didn't hurt, either.

"Some really striking bouquet would totally set it off," Bess pronounced. "And a bold lip, but I'll be doing your makeup anyway, I'll take care of it."

Nancy turned back and grinned at Bess. "I think we've found it!"

"Me too," Bess said, and giggled. "Well, _you_ did," she added loyally. "Okay, now we both deserve a smoothie."

As Nancy closed herself back into the dressing room, she called, "So did they have two plates?"

"Yep, in the back room. She said they didn't have many of the pattern right now, so if you want any more replacement pieces, maybe you ought to go ahead and order them."

Nancy tilted her head after she yanked her t-shirt back on. She didn't think they would ever have another knock-down drag-out fight like that terrible one, but that didn't mean one of them wouldn't accidentally drop a cup or saucer.

She shrugged to herself. "Thanks, Bess."

"Anytime, sweetie."

When Ned came home that afternoon, he found his wife in the backyard, on their patio, looking at the freshly-mown grass. Her hair was up in a ponytail, her tank top was damp with perspiration, and the sun had turned her bare arms and legs a shade darker, burnishing the fine hair on her arms to gold. Ned wrapped an arm around her waist, dropping a kiss against the crown of her head. As his one concession to the weekend, he wore jeans instead of freshly-pleated slacks.

"I would've done the yard for you, honey."

Nancy shook her head, her thumbnail resting against her lips as she considered. "It's fine," she murmured. "I just wanted to get it done; this way we can spend some time together." She finally turned to him, standing on her tiptoes to offer her face for another kiss. Ned obliged, his palm warm against the small of her back.

"I'll run in and get a shower. You caught me at the worst time. I'm sure I look awful." She glanced down at her grubby, battered tennis shoes and faded socks, her bleach-spattered shorts.

"You look perfect to me. So why were you looking so thoughtful? It looks great out here."

She gave him a smile, her stomach jumping as she considered her answer. She walked back inside with him behind her. "I had a ridiculous idea that maybe we could do dinner for everyone, but it would be a massive undertaking," she admitted, heading for the stairs as Ned closed the patio door behind them and followed her. "Maybe because I, uh... bought a couple plates today. So our wedding china is complete, again."

She was a little afraid to glance up at his face, but the fact that she had just stripped her tank top off helped soften her words even more than her tentative tone did. "That's good, though. I'm glad."

She gave him another smile. "Yeah, it is good. And I decided what I'm going to wear on the day, too."

"Decided?" Ned raised his eyebrows as she stripped out of the rest of her sweaty clothes and tossed them into the hamper. "So do I get to know?"

Nancy shook her head as she pulled the elastic out of her hair and it fell in sweaty strands down to her shoulders. "I want to surprise you."

Ned toed out of his own shoes and began unbuttoning his shirt. "So it _will_ be a surprise?"

"Maybe." She winked at him. "Or the surprise will be that it will be familiar..."

"No. You bought a new dress," Ned decided, then nodded. "Yep."

"Maybe."

Ned laughed as he followed her into the bathroom and she turned the shower on. "Glad you had a good shopping trip, then. I know I was a little late, but _maybe_ I have a surprise of my own."

"You picked out the ring," Nancy decided immediately, with her own firm nod, a twinkle in her eye. " _Yep._ "

Once Ned had given his notice at the insurance agency and began working with The NMC Group full-time, he and Nancy had talked about work schedules. Ned was aware that she had been upset at his long hours when they had lived in California, but she also knew that Ned was going to need to put a lot of work in to get the agency off the ground. Together they had fixed up the home office space so he could use it, and he had agreed to be home for dinner whenever she was, and that if he did need to work on Saturdays, he would limit it to Saturday morning and be back home at lunch if at all possible. And he had volunteered that solution, too. She hadn't needed to make a case or try to convince him to consider it.

That had made her more relieved than she could say. Since he could have his office phone forwarded to his cell phone after hours, he didn't need to be at the office all night. And he had told her that after a certain time, if he didn't have a time-sensitive campaign rolling out, he wouldn't check his email.

In California she had lived in fear of hearing that damn email notification on his cell phone. But he could put it on do-not-disturb and let it wait until the next morning. He just hadn't, back then.

For the past few months, as his plans for the agency had come closer to fruition, she had wanted to show him how much she supported him, but she hadn't quite known how to tell him that she didn't want to lose him to his work again. She was glad that he had already known. She was glad he didn't want to be that man again. She knew she didn't have that much space to talk, given how many times her own job had interfered with their plans, their weekends, their _life_ —but she had learned how to carve out time for herself and insist that her job couldn't have all of her.

Nancy had just finished rinsing her hair, still lost in thought, when Ned called to her over the spray. "Hey babe, want me to go pick up some food so we can grill out tonight?"

"Sure," she called back immediately. "Ooh, maybe teriyaki-glazed chicken?"

"Do we have all the ingredients for it or do you need me to pick up anything for it?"

"It's the last bookmark on my computer in my web browser," she called. "Make sure we have some eggs, and I'll do fried rice too."

"Will do."

It was only after she had heard him leave that she realized what was bothering her. Maybe he had forgotten, though.

After her shower, she combed out her wet hair, then went into the bedroom and picked out a bra and panty set in sheer white, trimmed in tiny pink bows. She was blow-drying her hair when Ned called up the stairs to her to let her know he was back from his shopping trip.

"Hey, babe?" she called back.

"Be right there," he called, his voice muffled. Nancy was bent over so her hair hung down, and she combed through it as she ran the dryer over it.

"What's up, Nan?"

Nancy stood quickly, tossing her hair back, and she saw Ned's adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard. Her underwear didn't do a good job of hiding anything—which was exactly what she wanted. "Weren't we going out with Howie and Shayna and all them tonight? Or did I get the date wrong?"

Ned shook his head. "You had the date right, but I heard from Howie a few hours ago. He said Shayna's not feeling well, so we'd have to get a raincheck."

"Oh."

Ned nodded. "And when I talked to Mike, he said they were heading to the in-laws' in the morning, so a raincheck would be better for him too. He said Jan's dad is hard enough to deal with when he isn't hungover as shit." Ned gave Nancy a sardonic smile.

Nancy ran her hand through her hair, checking to see if it was fully dry, then clicked the dryer off. The sudden silence rang in their ears. "Hmm. Well, a night out on the town with my handsome husband, two of his best friends and their wives... or a night at home with him where we can have sex without having to sneak off to do it." She winked at him, holding her hands palms-up, pretending to weigh the options. "Guess I'll just have to make the best of it."

Nancy put on a t-shirt and shorts and assembled the marinade for the chicken, trimmed the raw meat and tossed it with the teriyaki mixture so the meat would be well-flavored by the time the grill was hot, then put on a pot of rice to boil. The day had been blistering-hot, and even when it was close to dinnertime, the air was sizzling and still, so Nancy put on a short cotton sundress and sandals when it was almost dinnertime, tying an apron around her before she set to work on the fried rice.

Their meal was pretty simple, but they would be eating on the patio and it seemed perfect for a summer night. Nancy had put together skewers of mushrooms, bell peppers, cherry tomatoes and pineapple chunks, drizzled them with a little sauce, and gave them to Ned to grill along with the chicken. As he put the chicken on the grill, he looked up to see a gleam in her eye. "Don't start," he warned her, but she saw a small smile on his lips.

"Don't start what? I'd never dream of bringing up lemonade chicken."

Ned raised the tongs and made a false start toward her, and Nancy ran back into the house squealing with laughter, heading back to the stove to finish up the rice.

The fried rice turned out as close to perfect as she had ever made it. She had scrambled egg with it, added in small chunks of leftover pork roast and scallions and soy sauce. Once she dished it out onto the platter, she smiled at it; Ned could eat his weight in fried rice, so she hoped the enormous pile she had made was enough.

Out on the patio, Ned had lit the bug-repelling torches and had even put a few candles on the table, too. The chicken looked close to perfect, and Nancy placed the platter of rice down beside it.

"Am I going to enjoy watching you eat your words? Maybe just a little," Ned teased her before pulling her chair out for her.

"That's not very gentlemanly," she chastised him, but her eyes were twinkling. "Besides, I said I _wouldn't_ bring it up, remember?"

Ned smirked, then sat down opposite her. "The rice looks great, Nan."

"And so does everything else."

The chicken was just a little dry, but the marinade balanced it out, and the vegetables and pineapple were perfectly grilled. Just as she had known he would, Ned dished himself large servings of the rice, telling her it was amazing.

When her plate was cleared, Nancy sat back with a groan. "Mmm. Yeah, I'm not going to need to eat again at _all_ tomorrow," she sighed. "And I'm gonna be honest, when I looked up the reviews for that new place we were gonna go tonight, they were all over the map. I know it would've been fun to see Mike and Howie and the girls, but..."

Ned smiled. "Yeah... but I've been to so many business meals in the past week that it was nice to eat something not surrounded by microgreens and dusted with some spice I can't pronounce." He reached for her hand, stroking his thumb over her engagement ring.

That triggered her memory. "So..."

She was about to teasingly ask him about the ring he had probably bought for her that afternoon, when he looked down. Nancy flipped her hand over so she could clasp his. "What's up?"

"Howie... when I talked to him earlier..."

Mike had been hurt when Ned had picked up and moved to California without staying in touch very often, and generally flaunting his salary and lifestyle when he did. Nancy didn't quite understand it, but Ned and Mike had practically picked up where they had left off, once Ned and Nancy had returned to Illinois and Ned had apologized to his best friend for his behavior. Ned was sensitive to how Nancy would feel, being around Jan, so he didn't insist that the four of them hang out very often. Still, she was surprised at how quick their reconciliation had been. Howie had been so wrapped up with Shayna and the newlywed glow that when Ned had gotten back into contact with _him_ , that friendship had picked up even quicker.

Nancy had kept up with Bess and George while they had been living in California, even if she hadn't been able to bring herself to tell them everything that was going on in her marriage or her life quite yet. But she had always been able to count on their support, even George's; George was so defensive on Nancy's behalf because she cared so much about her, and as complicated as that made George's relationship with Ned, Nancy still understood.

So when Howie and Shayna had thrown themselves a housewarming party a few weeks after moving into a pretty neighborhood in the Chicago suburbs, Nancy and Ned had happily accepted the invitation to attend. It had felt like old times, and though Ned hadn't had anything to drink, Nancy had accepted a beer or two, knowing Ned was going to drive home and only after he assured her he was okay with it. Many of his old Omega Chi friends, including Mike and Jan, had been there, and Shayna had been glowing with happiness, always with or near Howie when she could be, making sure his plate was full and his drink was refilled. The Littles had made it through their first year of marriage with flying colors and seemed stronger than ever.

And at the same time, the past year had nearly been Nancy and Ned's undoing.

When Shayna had hugged them both goodbye at the end of the night, she had said they should definitely get together again soon, and Nancy had enthusiastically agreed. Shayna really did seem sweet, and like a perfect match for the unusually tall Wildcat alum.

From the look on Ned's face, though, Nancy wondered Shayna had just been saying they should hang out again to be nice. She didn't think that was true...

Ned met Nancy's eyes again. "He didn't quite say it, but I think maybe they've just found out she's pregnant."

Nancy felt Ned squeeze her hand as she glanced down at the remaining traces of soy sauce on her plate. "Oh," she murmured.

"I could be wrong. But I noticed she wasn't drinking at the party."

Nancy had noticed that too. And that glow... and the way Shayna had looked at Jan, who hadn't been drinking either. She just hadn't wanted to think about it, and so she had put it out of her head; Nancy had gone home at the end of the night with her husband and cuddled up in his arms, letting the last traces of her buzz and her pleasure at being with her husband overwhelm that nascent idea.

If Nancy hadn't lost the baby, she would have been in her third trimester now.

Even though she knew they wouldn't have made the progress they had without their separation, she couldn't help feeling the loss. She and Ned were in such a good place now. She told herself to be practical; it was good that Ned wouldn't be getting up in the night to deal with a squalling baby while he and his partners were still working so hard on getting their agency off the ground. It was a good thing. It was.

That didn't salve her aching heart, though, and for a brief second she was furiously glad that Howie and Shayna hadn't given Nancy and Ned that news tonight along with their other friends, that she hadn't needed to swallow her jealousy and sorrow and congratulate Howie and Shayna—especially while Ned and Jan and Mike were conscious of how bitter she might feel, and how she was hiding it.

Ned squeezed her hand again, gently. "Hey," he whispered. "C'mere, sweetheart."

The patio chairs weren't really made for two people, either to sit in or to have sex in. Together they took the remains of their food inside, and Ned pulled her to the couch with him.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

Nancy shook her head. She had moved into his lap, his arm around her back, and she leaned down to rest her cheek against his shoulder. "It's not your fault," she whispered. Then she smiled, but it was humorless. "Thanks for making sure I wouldn't be surprised, though."

He reached up and stroked his thumb against her other cheek. "It's hard," he said softly. "To know that they have something..."

"Something we almost had," she whispered.

"Something we will have," he said softly.

"Mmm." She closed her eyes. "Can we do something? Something to..." She trailed off, unsure of how to say it.

"Like a... a ceremony?"

"Yeah." When she felt her eyes prick, she closed her eyes tighter, trying to keep the tears from falling, but one slipped through. "Like we could... plant something, in memory."

"Did you have something in mind?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "Lilies. Stargazer lilies." She sniffled.

"What do those look like?" he murmured, and stroked the escaped tear from her cheek.

"They're usually pink... I had a few in my bouquet at our wedding."

"Oh. That sounds great, then."

She brought her head up a few inches, giving him another slight smile. "It's okay. You're a guy. I don't expect you to remember."

"Sweetheart... I remember everything about the way you looked that day. Those laces up the back of your dress; those diamond combs in your hair, holding your veil back. Your mom's pearl necklace. You are the most beautiful woman in the world, and that day... oh, Nancy. That day was the happiest day of my life. You looked like a dream come true."

"That day was a dream come true," she murmured, gazing into his eyes. "Becoming your wife, and knowing that for the rest of our lives, I would be with you. I married my best friend that day, and I'm so glad we've made it to _this_ day, Ned. I want to carry stargazer lilies on the day we recommit our lives to each other so I can remember what we have and what we are to each other. I want to plant them in our garden, so I can see them every year..."

"But not just for who we were," he murmured.

She shook her head. "For who we were, and all we've been through," she murmured. "And everything we will be. I lost so much by losing our baby and losing you, but we have a second chance... and I'm so grateful."

He leaned toward her and gave her a soft, sweet kiss. "It means so much to me that you're here with me now," he said. "I don't want to miss a minute of our life together. You're the other part of me, Nan. And I wouldn't have been able to start the agency without you. You've been amazing. I want to show you that the faith you've put in me hasn't been wasted."

"Never," she whispered, stroking his cheek. "You've been working so hard... and that's great, Ned. I'm proud of you. You aren't the guy you were six months ago, or even a year ago—and I know that's been hard."

Ned shook his head, gazing into her eyes. "In a way, it hasn't been hard," he said softly. "Not at all. Once I lost everything that was important to me, it wasn't hard at all. You're the one thing I can't live without, Nan. Whatever it took to get you back, I would have done happily."

She gave him a kiss, too. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry for pushing you away; I'm sorry that I didn't fight as hard as I could have to get you back when it would have done any good."

Ned cupped her cheek, gently pushing her back so he could look into her eyes. "It's in the past," he said softly. "It's done."

"But I did exactly what you were always afraid I would do," she said, looking down. "I let myself forget that you're my best friend, and I didn't say I was marrying you just for the good times, or just for the times we were blissfully happy together. If I'd just seen what was going on with you... if I hadn't been so blinded and flattered by... him..."

Ned's thumbs brushed her cheeks. "Do I still want to take him apart with my bare hands? Yeah," he admitted, his voice low and grave, but still faintly touched with humor. "But it's hard for me to be mad when I had let myself do the same thing. So that was our freebie, all right? Never again."

"Never again," she agreed, with a small nod.

"But we should have a code word."

"Another one?" she said, raising her eyebrow with a soft chuckle before wiping another tear from her cheek.

"A code word for 'someone hot is checking me out so we need to fuck like crazy within the next thirty minutes.'"

"Or maybe 'I can't stop thinking about you so we need to fuck like crazy _for_ the next thirty minutes.'"

"I thought we'd already come up with that one," Ned said, a teasing sparkle in his eye.

"Oh?"

"'Hello.'"

She chuckled, then leaned in and kissed him again. "Why don't we put away the leftovers and take a blanket out in the backyard," she murmured. "Eat dessert under the stars."

"So _that's_ why you mowed the grass."

She had an impish smile on her face as she took his hand and helped pull him to his feet. "If the torches work well enough, maybe we won't be covered in mosquito bites by the time we get back inside," she pointed out.

Dessert was vanilla-frosted lemon cookies, and as they sat on a thick, heavy blanket in their backyard and ate them, the quiet was almost louder than anything else would have been. She didn't want to break it. The sun was well down, but she could hear faint music, and eventually picked up enough of it to hear the peppy Latin beat. It sounded like a party was going on down the block.

When he finished his last cookie, Ned sprawled out on the blanket, and Nancy brushed crumbs from her skirt and the blanket before lying down on her back and joining him. The sky really was beautiful. Thin clouds occasionally drifted over the moon, and she spotted a few blinking aircraft lights, but it was nice to cuddle up with her husband.

"So," Ned murmured, as she lay with her head pillowed against his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her. "That really sexy lingerie you were wearing earlier..."

"Mmm-hmm?"

"Still wearing it?"

"Why don't you find out?" she murmured, her tone lightly teasing.

He kissed her temple, then brought his hand down to gently cup her breast. The thin fabric of her dress and the sheer fabric of her bra meant the brush of his thumb against her nipple was hardly muted at all, and Nancy's lips parted as she kept her gaze fixed on the stars over them.

He fondled both her breasts over her clothes, until she let out a soft sigh and bent her knee, drawing it up toward her. He took the hint and ran his hand down her front deliberately, cupping the join of her thighs through her dress and panties, and she released a soft moan as she tilted her hips up. He made a soft noise and bunched the floral fabric in his fist, pulling it up, his fingertips brushing against the join of her thighs as he did, and she shifted her weight, her own fist clenching at her side.

"Mmm," Ned murmured in pleasure when he finally touched her panties. The thin mesh was barely covering anything, and his fondling meant it was already beginning to dampen with her arousal. He ran his fingertips up and down the slit of her sex, ghosting over the fabric, and Nancy released a soft pleading sound.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," Nancy breathed.

"The pill I saw you take this morning—that was birth control, right? You're back on the pill?"

"Mmm-hmm. I told you," she murmured, arching again when his thumb brushed her sensitive clit through her panties.

"But you want to use condoms."

"Mmm." She nodded. "Yeah."

"Why? I mean, you didn't get pregnant—before—until after you were off the pill, right?"

"Yeah... _oh_..." She shivered when he slipped his fingertips beneath the band of her panties and came into direct contact with her sex, the night air against her bare skin. "Women are really fertile right after they—miscarry."

"For this long?"

"Mmm. No," she admitted, drawling the word when he began to work his index finger up inside the slick hollow of her sex, his thumb barely brushing against her clit. "Oh that feels so good..."

"Then why?" he asked softly as he began to work his finger in and out of her, in slow even strokes, his thumb almost lazy against her clit. "Do you not... does the thought of me being inside you without a condom upset you?"

"Mmmm," Nancy moaned, shaking her head as his touch made a wave of incredible pleasure rise in her. "Mmmm. No."

"I miss it so much," he murmured, and his lips brushed her temple. "I love how sweet and wet you feel against my cock, baby. I love when I can hear you and feel you come..."

She gasped, tilting her head back, gripping his wrist and bucking as she moved with his touch.

"Do you want me to finish you like this, beautiful? Or can we make love in the moonlight, the way we used to..."

"Please," she gasped out. "Please, I can't... please..."

He rolled over, partially pinning her under him, and she gasped before he kissed her, her hand slipping up so she could run her fingers through his hair. His hips were pressed against her upper thigh and she could feel how hard he was, but he slipped another finger between her legs and stroked her faster. She shuddered, slipping her knee between his legs, and their bodies tangled together. It felt like when they had been young, when they had both wanted so much to make love, but she had told him they couldn't. He was rubbing his erection against her through his clothes and when she broke their kiss, they were both panting. She ran her nails down between his shoulder blades, her hips rocking.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you," he whispered, and when he knelt between her thighs and began to slip her panties down, she didn't know what to do, what she would do if he did move inside her. She was so close, and when Ned moved his face between her thighs and ran his tongue against her clit, she panted desperately, squealing when he pressed his fingers up inside her again. She pulled her ankle free of her panties and opened her legs wide for him, arching, running her fingers through his hair again and grinding against him as he went down on her.

She whined his name, her fingers tightening in his hair, and he rewarded her by rubbing his stubbled chin against her clit. He kept fingering her, stroking and abusing her clit with his stubble until she was crying out, her hips jerking, on the cusp of her orgasm.

Then he pulled back, still rapidly thrusting his fingers in and out of her, his thumb finding her clit again. He arched over her, bringing his face back to hers. Her brow was knit, and all of her was concentrating on how good what he was doing felt.

"Do you have a condom, Nan?" His voice was deep, and the sound of it shivered down her spine. She shook her head, gasping desperately, one hand still buried in his hair as she cupped her breast through her dress, her thumb flicking her hard nipple.

"And we can't...?"

A fist of fear tightened around her heart, and she was still gasping, her blue eyes wet as she shook her head.

He flicked her clit harder and she cried out. "Well, if I have to wear a condom..." He pressed his lips, the trace of her arousal still lingering on them, against her neck, nuzzling against the sensitive flesh, and she writhed against his touch. "Can I fuck that tight little ass while I use a vibrator in that sweet pussy?"

Nancy shuddered as the flesh he mentioned tightened hard around his fingers.

He kissed the other side of her neck. "You can say no," he murmured, his voice so damnably even as he brought her over the cusp, and she tipped her head back.

"Oh my God, oh my _God! Fuck!"_ She was sprawled wide, rutting against his fingers, wanton and begging. "Yes, _yes!_ "

"You want it? You want me filling you up, fucking you until you scream? Or are you afraid?"

Nancy let her breath out in a desperate moan, moving to face him, and when he kissed her, she swirled her tongue against his, clenching with another wave of ecstasy as she tasted her arousal. "Yes," she whined. "Yes please just—oh _God!"_

She contracted as the intense pleasure rose to unbearable heights, and when he gently bit her nipple through her dress, Nancy let out a loud, lusty cry, shivering as she imagined that someone might hear her.

When he finally released her and she began to come down, she ran her hand through his hair again, panting her breath back. Her damp eyes met his. "Just one thing," she managed to pant out.

Ned raised an eyebrow.

"Inside," she replied. "Because the neighbors would call the fucking cops on us if we did that in the backyard—because I would be screaming so loud."

His face split into a wolfish grin. "Inside," he agreed. "But on the kitchen table?"

"With that full-length mirror from upstairs so I can look into your eyes?" she suggested too.

"And maybe that glass dildo, if you can wait long enough for it to get cold?"

Nancy shuddered. "I don't know," she teased him, and began to push herself up on her elbows. "If we keep talking about it, I'm just going to rip your fucking clothes off."

"So a win-win, then," Ned chuckled, and began helping her up.

\--

As soon as they were inside, Ned ran upstairs to locate the dildo, his erection straining at his pants. He wanted to jerk himself off, but he craved the feel of his wife around him more—her hand, those pert pink lips and wicked tongue, her slick inner flesh most of all...

He sighed, leaving the bedroom with the glass dildo just as she was walking in. Her thin cotton sundress was covering her again, but the flush in her cheeks and the muss of her hair belied the modesty of the fabric. "I'll grab the mirror," she told him.

"And the lube and some condoms," he called, heading back downstairs. He debated for a second, but there really was no contest. He threw the dildo into the freezer, his cock twitching as he imagined driving the cold ribbed glass home in the slick tender heat of her flushed pussy, hearing her moan, watching her tremble and shudder as he fucked her with it, her legs spread wide and hips jerking frantically, sprawled naked and wanton on their kitchen table.

The first time they had ever used it... that night came back to him, as he pulled his shirt off. She had been drowsy and sated from their first round of lovemaking, and she had screamed when he had rammed the thick glass cock between her spread legs, trembling at how cold it was, her blue eyes wide as he brought her to another orgasm. He couldn't clearly remember how many times he had made her come, how many times they had made love that night—four, five? Only that they had been insatiable, still reeling from that asshole Eric's attempted rape.

He was taking his pants off when Nancy came back downstairs. She had taken off the sundress and wore a sheer babydoll, her breasts covered in gauzy white fabric, the split skirt black tulle. Ned's gaze wandered over it, then back to her face.

"Remember the first night I wore this for you?" she murmured, dropping the condoms and bottle of lube onto the couch before grasping the lightweight mirror with both hands and letting it rest against the carpet at her feet.

"Mmm. Fuck," Ned murmured, his fist clenching as he remembered that night.

Nancy tilted the mirror against the arm of the couch, then sauntered over to him. Her cheeks were still a little pink. "But you don't seem to be wearing a _tie_ ," she groaned in mock disappointment, then gave him a sweet little pout as she brought her palms over his pecs and up to his shoulders. A small grin replaced her pout as he slipped his arms around her waist.

"Next time," he promised her. Then he leaned down and caught her earlobe in his mouth. "Remember the first time I fucked you with that glass dildo, sweetheart?"

She shuddered, letting out a breath edged in a whimper. "Yeah," she moaned.

"The first time we had sex in this house?" He kissed the side of her neck once, twice.

"Mmm." She gently ran her nails down the back of his neck, her lashes low. "That night you swore to me you'd fuck me in every room. Once we were able to get into all of them, anyway."

"And we did." He walked his fingers up the center of her belly until he touched the bow tying the cups of her nightie together, then hooked his finger around it and led her to the couch. As much as he wanted to fuck her, as hard and aching as he was, he knew the dildo wouldn't be ready for a little while.

They sat down on the couch together, Ned in his boxers and Nancy in her tiny nightie, frilly mesh panties beneath. She cuddled up to him and Ned cupped her cheek, savoring the feel of her warm bare skin against his.

The familiarity made Ned's heart clench for a second. "Nan... I just want to ask you, okay?"

"Ask me what?" she murmured, pulling back a little to look up into his eyes.

They had been pure, so pure, once. Untouched. Oh, he had burned for her; he had needed her all the more when he had understood that the girl he loved would be no easy conquest, and in the waiting he had loved her more.

He had missed his best friend, and she had waited for him. Even while she had been miserable, she had waited for him, giving him chance after chance—and now, the guileless expression in her blue eyes was the same trusting, familiar one he had grown to love so much. He had lain himself entirely on the line for her. He had remade himself for her. And the risk had been worth it, because she was in his arms again.

"Do you want us to use condoms until you're... ready?"

"Until I'm ready to maybe get pregnant again?" 

He nodded.

She looked down, then shook her head.

"Nan, it's okay," he said softly. "Seriously. I understand."

She shook her head, then reached up and cupped his cheek. Her blue eyes searched his. "I don't know if you do," she said softly, "but that's okay."

He shook his head. "Babe, I don't want you nervous the whole time we're having sex, okay? And maybe it's not..."

"I know you like it better without," she murmured. "It's just... I just need a little more time. And what you said is true; it's not like I got pregnant when I was on birth control before. I know. It's just..."

"Just what?" He stroked his thumb against her side.

She let out her breath in a soft sigh. "When you come inside me like that, if I weren't on the pill... I don't know..." She glanced down again. "The last time you did that was back when I was pregnant."

He reached for her, pulling her toward him, and she rested her cheek against his shoulder again. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't think about that."

"It's okay," she said softly. "I know it's foolish."

"It's not foolish. If it upsets you, it's not foolish."

She made a soft sound. "I don't want to start trying again until... until after... after the baby would have been born," she whispered.

"Then we won't," he murmured reassuringly.

She sniffled. "Thanks."

He kissed her cheek. "Nan, I'll wait, okay? For as long as you want, as long as you need. If it upsets you when I talk about it..."

She shook her head. "It doesn't," she murmured, then kissed his cheek too. "And before you ask... um... how about we wait until the night we renew our vows, okay?"

Ned raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Yeah," she said softly.

"And... are you okay with what I was talking about earlier? I know it's been a while since we've done anal..."

"So you'll just have to make sure I'm really ready," she murmured, then kissed his lips.

They made out slowly, and eventually he found himself on top of her, her legs parted and wrapped around him, his thumb stroking the fabric of her panties as they stretched over the edge of her hip. Her nipples were hard against his chest, her skin so warm through that thin nightie, and he thought back to the night he had seen her in it for the first time. Her wrists up over her head, bound with his tie. Her eyes wide with anticipation and the faintest fear, as she gave him permission to do what he wanted with her—just as long as he promised he could pull back without penetrating her, without taking her virginity.

_One woman for the rest of your life?_ Ned remembered the guffaws, the groans of disappointment from the other guys the night of his bachelor party. _Nickerson, you had your_ pick. _You could've had anyone. Just her,_ only _her? Forever?_

She was so reluctant to trust, but she had trusted him. She was so shy about sex, afraid of being a bad girl, afraid of going too far—but she had let him urge and beg her, and together they had drifted, slow, spellbound, to each other. Always to each other.

Just her, only her. Forever. He had worked so hard for her trust, her love, her desire, and then he had so nearly thrown it all away.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he pulled back, only that she was panting, her lips reddened from his kisses, the tie between the chiffon cups partially undone. One creamy breast was almost exposed, and she had her knee drawn up, the black chiffon skirt bunched at her hips. She grasped his upper arm and pulled him back to her, moaning when their mouths met again, her nails dragging against his shoulder blade.

"Be right back," Ned groaned, extracting himself from her grip, and she moaned in disappointment, sprawled and flushed and beautiful.

Ned raced to the refrigerator and opened the freezer door, then touched the glass dildo. Almost.

He went back to the living room to pick up the floor-length mirror, and Nancy had pushed herself up onto her elbows, her hair mussed. She smiled as she pushed herself fully up, watching him go to the table and position the mirror; when he looked back at her, she had a finger hooked around the loose string tie between her breasts. She made sure he was watching as she gave it a small tug, leaving her nightie parted and hanging open.

She bent to pick up the condoms and lube, bringing them into the kitchen with her, and in the process her gown parted further, barely covering her.

"I remember," Ned murmured, watching her sashay toward him, "when I sat in this kitchen tied to a chair and a beautiful redhead gave me a blisteringly hot lap dance."

"Hmm. And I seem to remember," she murmured, a blush rising in her cheek, "that I practically had a blistered ass afterward. Since I was such a naughty girl."

"Did you like that?"

She gave him a slow smile. "I loved making my lover happy," she murmured, and stepped closer to him. "My only. My amazing husband."

"Well, I think I promised I'd make sure that tight little ass was ready for me," he murmured. "Why don't you come over here, gorgeous? Let me make sure I have the mirror lined up right."

A few last traces of ginger and soy sauce hung in the air as she crossed to him, walking even more slowly. When she reached him she put the lube and condoms down on the table, and Ned reached up, catching the shoulders of her gown and letting it drop down her arms. Ned groaned with approval at the sight of her bare, rosy-tipped breasts and the brief panties.

"So beautiful. You're so incredibly beautiful, Nancy."

She smiled at him, then caught the sides of her panties in her fingers. "So are you," she whispered. "And my panties are so wet they're getting uncomfortable."

Ned groaned as she pushed them down, stepping out of them; she stood naked before him. "That's right," he murmured in approval. "On the table, baby, hands and knees."

She turned and caught her own reflection in the mirror, then looked back at him. "Well, if I know you... maybe one small change," she murmured.

After he had agreed, she climbed up onto the table, her pert ass up in the air, supporting her weight on her elbows. Ned kissed the curve of one cheek, then the other, and she shivered as she chuckled.

"Open those gorgeous legs, beautiful."

Nancy did a slow split, sliding her knees apart. "Mmm," she moaned as he ran his fingers down the cleft of her ass. "I like that I'll be able to see you while we do this."

"And I love that I'll be able to look into those beautiful eyes..."

"And watch while you ream me with that freezing-cold dildo," she chuckled. "Yeah, I know exactly what you're gonna love about this."

"I'm sorry," he pretended to apologize. "Can I help it if it's a major fucking turn-on to watch you get fucked, sweetheart? Especially when I'm the one doing it."

"Always when you're the one doing it."

"Except when it's you," he pointed out.

"Okay, either you or me," she agreed, then hung her head as he ripped open a condom wrapper.

Since he was waiting for the dildo to get very cold, Ned took his time preparing her tight asshole. Occasionally he spanked her lightly, just for the hell of it, and when she moaned and pushed back against him in answer, he rimmed her asshole again, then lubed his latex-encased fingers again.

He leaned down and kissed the small of her back, and she flinched slightly, gasping. "I love that you let me do this," he murmured. "I love that I'm the only one who knows you like this, the only one who will ever know you like this. My beautiful girl, my only love."

She released a quiet moan. "And I want to be the only one," she murmured. "I will do anything for you. Anything."

He caressed the curve of her ass, and she tossed her hair back, her gaze meeting his in the mirror. Her bare breasts were heavy and swinging with her every shiver, her lips parted, her cheeks flushed. She looked incredibly sensual.

"Do you want this?"

"Yes," she whispered.

He fingered her tight asshole until she was mewling in pleasure, her hips slowly rocking with his movements. "Okay," he murmured. "Ready?"

"Yes," she moaned.

Ned went to the freezer and took out the dildo; the glass was very cold against his skin. He placed it on the table beside her, rolling a fresh condom onto his painfully erect cock, then a generous amount of lube. When he touched her between her legs, gently probing the tender hot lips of her sex, she trembled and he found her dripping wet.

"All right," he murmured, meeting her gaze in the mirror, and she gave him a nod.

At her suggestion, he had adjusted the mirror to give himself a better angle, so he could watch the dildo work in her pussy, so he could watch as he fucked her with it. He brought the dildo into position, then moved his cock so he was barely in contact with her ass. She drew in a deep breath, and when he touched the head of the glass dildo to her clit, she hissed, shivering.

"Mmm. That's right, baby," he murmured, and dragged it down, leaving a trail of tingling cold in its wake. Nancy cried out, her hips trembling.

"Mmm. Fill me up," she moaned. "I want it, baby..."

Simultaneously he positioned the tip of his cock just barely inside her tight asshole, holding the dildo at the entrance of her sex. Then he began to push inside her.

Nancy grunted, her head hanging before she tossed her hair back again and met Ned's eyes in the mirror. He watched the dildo begin to vanish inside her, and worked his cock inside her with the same steady deliberate thrusting. She trembled.

"Oh," she moaned. "Oh God... so big, oh it's _cold_..."

Then he moved deeper, working the entire dildo into her slick, tender pussy as he fucked her tight asshole, and Nancy screamed. He was so fucking hard and ready for her, and it was hard to hold himself back as much as he did; he began to work the dildo in her sex in long rapid thrusts, and she cried out with every thrust of his hips, every time his cock moved in her tight ass. When his gaze went from the sight of her trembling hips and the dildo he was using to fuck her, to her beautiful blue eyes, they were wet, and her lips were parted, her cheeks flushed.

"So fucking good," Ned grunted, then reached between her legs and found her clit.

She screamed his name, her hips moving in a jerking figure eight as she took his double penetration, her breasts trembling. Soon she was releasing deep, almost primal groans, panting for breath. When he spanked her again she cried out, tossing her hair back.

"Do it again," she moaned.

The dildo made a wet sucking sound as he fucked her with it, and he knew that if he were inside her, he would be feeling her clenching tight around his cock. His frustration made him grit his teeth as he pounded into her again, and she arched her back, reaching between her legs to part her sex wide, to let him watch the dildo slip between her slick lips as she began to desperately stroke her clit. Ned groaned loudly in pleasure, spanking the curve of her ass again, and her ass tightened around him. When she met his gaze in the mirror again, she licked her lips, her arousal-hazed eyes low-lidded.

"For you," she panted. "Only you. You are the only one..."

"Yeah," he growled, and when he spanked her again, she cried out.

"On top," she begged him. "Please, _please_..."

Keeping control of himself as he flipped her onto her back, as she looped her legs over his shoulders so he could fuck her tight asshole again while he worked the dildo inside her—that was incredibly hard, but being able to watch her real eyes, not a reflection of them, sent a shudder down his spine. He fucked her with simultaneous brutal thrusts of his cock and the dildo, and she arched her back, crying out loudly.

"Yes," she sobbed. "Oh yes oh _yessssssss_..."

He could almost _see_ the waves of her orgasm as they crashed over her, in each jerk of her hips, each twist of her shoulders, the hushed begging gasps as she wordlessly begged him to finish her. Her hot, incredibly slick inner flesh had taken all the cold out of the dildo, and Ned pulled it out of her, then plunged three fingers deep into the tender hollow of her sex so he could feel her clench and spasm around them as she came again, his cock in her ass.

She had tossed her head back, and he could see her expression in the mirror as they both began to come down from their climaxes, panting. Her brow was knit, her lips parted, and she moaned loudly when he began to pull out of her.

"Mmm," Ned moaned, gripping the table to help keep his balance. "Holy _shit_."

"Mmm. Yeah," she murmured. "Oh shit."

He could see her breasts trembling with her speeding heart, and she tensed, then relaxed as he bent over the table, his torso between her sprawled legs, and kissed the center of her stomach. She was still contracting with aftershocks, arching in quick spasms. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she murmured, still gasping, and ran her fingers through his dark hair. "Wow. I don't think I've been quite that thoroughly fucked in a long time, sir."

Ned chuckled against her belly, then kissed it again.

Then she groaned, but this time it wasn't in arousal. "And now we get to go have lunch with our parents tomorrow... and I get to sit there in my cute little dress and definitely not mention that my husband fucked me raw and _that's_ why it's so hard for me to sit still..."

"As conversational topics go," Ned murmured, "probably not the most likely one."

She ran her hand through his hair again, then pushed herself up on one elbow. "I mean it," she whispered. "I know we've done a lot together, Ned, but if there's anything else you want to do, anything I can give you... any way I can make love to you..."

The expression on her face was almost pleading, and Ned pushed himself up, then drew her to him, wrapping her in his arms. He kissed her temple.

"The way you love me, the way you always have... that's what I want," he murmured against her skin. "But thank you. I know we have a lot to get through in the next few weeks... the next few months, really, if we're lucky. But I never want you to doubt this, Nan—you are what I want, what I _need_. You and all that you are. And I can't wait to show you that again."

She tilted her head back and smiled at him. "Me either," she murmured.

\--

That Saturday dawned bright and pretty, although it was still warmer than Nancy wanted. She was happy the sky was a beautiful pale blue and cloudless; the lawn irrigation had paid off, and the grass was a soft green carpet underfoot. Nancy walked through the downstairs, making sure everything was in order before Hannah arrived. Her surrogate mother had put together a frozen punch base and a beautiful cake for them; the rest, Nancy was having catered by a local business. She hadn't wanted Hannah or Edith or anyone else to spend days preparing for their vow renewal ceremony; she had wanted the day to be as stress-free as possible. Edith had still wanted to make little favors, though, so Nancy had agreed.

The dining room table was set with a pretty tablecloth and centerpiece to hold the main dishes. Nancy had borrowed a pair of buffet tables along with moderately comfortable folding chairs so they could all eat in the backyard and see each other. The kitchen table, which had definitely been sanitized since they had fucked on top of it, was ready for the punch bowl and cake.

Nancy had just brought a lamp from the living room into the guest bedroom on the ground floor when Ned opened his office door upstairs, then started downstairs with a rapid shuffle of his feet. "Crisis averted!" he called.

Nancy hadn't been all that worried, but she still exchanged a grin with him. "Good," she called, as he headed back outside to finish setting up the folding chairs, having dealt with a frantic call from one of the agency's vendors. Nancy had agonized over whether they should set up a tent, but the ceremony itself was going to be brief, and if the forecast was wrong and the sky did actually begin to turn overcast and surly, they could move the tables and chairs, and even the vow renewal ceremony, inside. Space would be a little tight, but between the dining room, living room, and kitchen, they had enough room for everyone.

The preparations were all made. She had called the caterer the day before to confirm; Bess had already texted Nancy to tell her that she was on the way over, and Hannah and Edith would be arriving soon after. She had checked everything three times just to be sure things would be as perfect as possible.

In a way, it almost did feel like her wedding day all over again. Edith would be picking up Nancy's bouquet and the other centerpieces at the florist on her way over. Bess would be doing her makeup and handling any last-minute fixes. The ring Nancy had picked out for Ned was tucked into her makeup case; she brought her makeup and dress downstairs so she and Bess would be out of Ned's way while he was getting ready, and so she could get dressed without him seeing her.

For a while they had debated having the renewal around sunset and serving dinner afterward, but that would have left them without any time to get away together. The cabin at Fox Lake was unoccupied for the weekend, and it was far enough away to make them feel like they were having a little vacation, but close enough to let them get back without wasting too much time on the travel between. They had decided to go up and spend Saturday afternoon and evening and Sunday there, and come back late, once his parents had agreed they could use it.

Nancy knew that no matter what, at the end of the day, she and Ned would be married; it wasn't as though the ceremony replaced or superseded their actual vows to each other. She was still full of nervous butterflies by the time Bess arrived, though. She wanted everything to be perfect, in a way that she hadn't been all that worried about on their real wedding day. Hannah and Edith had done so much to coordinate and help her, back then; she had known that they would have backup plans, contingency plans, spare hairpins and breath mints and clothespins. Today, though, Nancy was the one in charge.

And their vows were a symbol, just as the rings were, but the symbol was so important to them both. It marked an end of their rift, and a new beginning in their marriage.

Nancy wore a pale fluttering sundress to greet their guests, embracing the women as they walked in, accepting hugs and handshakes from the men. After Bess, George, and Hannah arrived, Edith came in with James, and James headed upstairs just to have a talk with his son before the festivities were fully underway, just as he had on their actual wedding day. Helen and Jim were next, and Nancy and Helen exclaimed that it had been too, too long, and they swore they would keep in touch. Jim was looking handsome as ever, and Helen looked beautiful in her navy and white-striped dress. Then Howie and Shayna arrived, and Nancy congratulated her again on her pregnancy; while it gave Nancy a distant pang to say it, she was already focused so intently on her plans for the rest of the day that it was a little easier to swallow it. Shayna was glowing with happiness, and she wore a pink and purple printed sundress. Nancy had told all the women to wear flats since they would be holding the ceremony outside.

By eleven-oh-five, all the guests had arrived and were in the backyard. Nancy's father, Mike and Jan, and Sol and his wife were all there, and they were all seated and waiting. The minister was outside with the guests; the small altar and centerpiece was at the back of the yard, down the aisle demarcated by the rows of chairs. The men wore slacks and collared shirts or button-downs; Sol even wore a button-down, although Nancy had chuckled when she spotted the Grateful Dead pin on his pocket. He had winked at her and given her a hug.

In the guest bedroom, with the door closed, the room looked so different than it had that freezing day months ago, the day she had told Ned their marriage was over and she wanted a divorce, the day she had felt her heart break more completely than it ever had before. She had been so heavy with the weight of her loss, mourning the loss of their child, mourning the loss of her husband and best friend, the man she had loved for so, so long.

Bess stepped back once Nancy was in her chiffon gown, scrutinizing her, then gave a nod. Nancy's hair was up, partially wrapped around a golden headband. Her bouquet of bright, perfect stargazer lilies was ready for her, resting in a glass of water until the last second. Bess had touched up her lipstick and given her a last spritz of perfume, another dusting of powder.

Bess smiled, then. "You look beautiful, Nan," she said. "Are you ready?"

Nancy took a deep breath and nodded, looking down at her hand. She would wear the rings he had given her on their wedding day for the rest of her life; she and Ned had discussed it, and she would wear the ring he gave her today on her right ring finger. Since Nancy didn't have a maid of honor today to carry Ned's ring for her, Nancy had slipped it around her right thumb so she would have it close.

Bess went out to join the other guests, and Nancy closed her eyes for a second. She had worn her mother's pearls to feel close to her on her wedding day, and she wore them again now. She reached up and touched them gently.

_I miss you,_ she thought again, just as she had that day. _I wish you were here with me. I love you, Mom._

Then Nancy stepped out, walking to the back patio doors, then through them. Ned was standing near the minister, just as he had on their wedding day, but today he wore a light summer suit; he looked handsome enough to take her breath away.

When he looked up and saw her, though, all other eyes turned toward her—but she only had eyes for him, the softness in his gaze, his adoration and joy at the sight of her. With the bouquet of lilies in her hands she took a few more steps toward him, feeling almost shy. Their wedding ceremony had been small, short, and few people had been invited; in all honesty, the number of guests here today was fewer, but still comparable.

She would never forget this, not as long as she lived, no matter what. Her heart was so, so painfully full, and when the corners of his mouth curved up in a small smile, she couldn't help but answer.

_So beautiful._

Nancy ducked her head for a moment, still smiling; then she let her gaze sweep their guests, who were smiling at her. Their closest friends, their parents, the people who had been in their lives for so long, who had witnessed the beginning and early stages of their relationship—and Sol, who had seen them at the worst of it.

"To the family and friends gathered here today, welcome," the minister said, smiling at the group after Nancy reached Ned and he took her hand in his. "We are here to celebrate a reaffirmation of love, a renewal of the marriage vows made between Ned Nickerson and Nancy Drew Nickerson eight years ago. Many of the guests here today were there to witness that special, blessed occasion, but the couple have chosen to invite some new friends to this day as well. I'm honored and humbled that they would ask me to be here for them now.

"Nancy and Ned have chosen to prepare vows for today, and to exchange rings as a symbol of those vows.

"Ned?"

Ned took a deep breath, turning to face her, and when his eyes met hers, she gave him a reassuring smile.

"First... Nancy, can I just say that I was so absolutely stunned on our wedding day at how incredibly beautiful you were—and you look just as stunning today. Every time I look at you, I can't believe how lucky I am.

"I hope and pray that the words I'm about to speak—that they won't be a surprise to you. What I told you on the day I became your husband, those words, the vows you and I made to each other... they mean everything to me. But the guy who stood in front of you and promised to love, honor, and cherish you—he only thought he knew what they meant. _I_ only thought I knew. I _know_ , now.

"And when I tell you now, Nancy Drew Nickerson, my wife, my love, the heart of my heart, that I will be your best friend... that I will be the shoulder for you to lean on, the arms to hold you up when you've lost your strength, the person who will keep you warm and safe and protect you to my last breath, I mean it. Without you, there is no joy in my life. Without you, there is no warmth, no peace.

"Nancy, I swore myself to you, I promised to love and honor and cherish you, but I let myself forget what that meant. I gave you my heart but I took it back for myself, and when I did that... I would have deserved to bleed, for taking back what was no longer mine. My heart is yours, my wife, my love. Every muscle, every bone, every drop of my blood and ounce of my strength is yours. And I can love you this way because unless you love me this way too... then I am lost. You are my water in the desert; you are the balm, the only balm, that could ever heal me. And I will never let you down again."

Looking into his eyes made tears rise in Nancy's, and she was glad Bess had been sure to use waterproof mascara when she was doing her makeup. The expression in his brown eyes was so nakedly sincere, so earnest and pleading, that her heart skipped a beat. Just as he had done with his first vows, he spoke these from memory, and every hitch in his breath, every time his gaze flicked down and then back up to hers, she ached in sympathy.

She swallowed hard. Her palms were slick with nervous perspiration, and she adjusted her grip on her bouquet before she looked up into his eyes.

"Ned... you say that you feel lucky, but I have always felt lucky to have you in my life—and, more than that, that I didn't deserve you. I was waiting for you to come to your senses and realize that I was no one special. I thought I could lose your love when I had never done anything to truly earn it; I thought your love was finite, and that one day you would spend it all—that I would waste it all, until there was none left.

"But my love for you... my husband, my one and only love... my love for you is limitless; it has no beginning, no end. When I met you and fell for you, in a way I had no other choice. I loved you before we met and I would have loved you even if we never had. I would have known that a part of me was missing for my entire life, without _you._

"I have given you all of me. I have sworn you all of me. I have given you my whole heart." She swallowed hard. "And I give it to you again, freely, with no reservations, no holding back. I vow to you now, in front of our friends and our families, that I will be your strength when your own strength falters, and the shoulder for you to lean on. I will do all I can to keep you safe, happy and healthy. Because, Ned... what we have, it isn't like a hand in a glove, a vine crept around a tree. You're a part of me, and without you, the spark that makes life worth living... it fades in me. It terrifies me, how much I depend on you and need you.. and it scared me, how little I thought you depended on me and needed me.

"You are my best friend, Ned Nickerson. And to have the heart of such a strong, generous, incredible man—I am the stronger for it, and the weaker without it. All of me, as little as I am... I give to you. I'm lost without you, love. And I will never let you down again."

Ned stroked his thumb against her hand after she finished her vows, his dark eyes intent on hers.

"The rings," the minister said after a moment. Nancy slipped the hammered silver band off her thumb; she had asked the jeweler to engrave it with the date of their vow renewal ceremony and the word _always_ on the inner curve. Ned reached into his pocket and pulled out a French pavé diamond eternity ring.

Ned reached for her hand first, and she extended her fingers so he could slip the band onto her right ring finger. "With this ring," Ned said, "I reaffirm my love and commitment to you. For the rest of our lives, forever, I will be by your side."

Nancy glanced down at the ring as it sparkled at the base of her finger before taking Ned's hand, and he chuckled as he held her bouquet for her. "With this ring," she said, sliding it onto his finger, "I reaffirm my love and commitment to you, my husband. For the rest of our lives, for always, I will be by your side."

The minister nodded at the two of them. "You have spoken your vows and exchanged rings," he said. "Here in front of these gathered loved ones, you have recommitted yourselves to the vows of holy matrimony you took eight years ago. Let these vows not be taken lightly, but always remember and keep sacred the vows you have made to each other, both now and then.

"Whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder.

"You may now kiss your bride."

Ned reached for her, lifting her up into his arms and kissing her hard, and she returned it, running her hand through his hair and laughing when he finally pulled back. He was holding her tight to him, and his dark eyes were alight with joy. Their guests clapped, and Mike, Jan, Howie, and Shayna cheered.

As a sign of support for the two of them, George had volunteered to take some photos so they could remember the day; Jim Archer, Helen's husband, had a large professional camera with him as well, and the two of them went around taking pictures of the guests and of Nancy and Ned. Nancy and Ned posed while cutting the cake, then laughed as they fed each other small pieces without smashing the tender cake and sugary frosting into each other's faces.

Then the guests descended upon the spread Nancy had ordered from the caterer. She hadn't wanted anything too fussy or messy, and so she had ordered a platter of assorted sliders of hamburgers and marinated grilled chicken and grilled portobellos for anyone who wanted a vegetarian option. The caterer had prepared a large bowl of tomato mozzarella salad, smaller servings of pasta salad, crackers with a cream cheese vegetable spread, and twice-baked potato cups stuffed with cheese, bacon, sour cream, and chives. Hannah's promise of one bowl of punch had turned into two, and although Edith had sworn she wasn't bringing anything other than the flowers and the favors, Nancy spotted a bowl of fruit ambrosia she definitely recognized as her mother-in-law's.

Once they sat down with their plates, Ned leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Baby, you look beautiful," he murmured.

She grinned, returning his kiss. "I think you mentioned that," she murmured. "And you look incredibly handsome today, too. Have you had a chance to look on the inside of your ring?"

"Not yet. Have you?"

They each took off their new rings to look at the inside. Just as Nancy had requested Ned's ring be engraved with today's date, he had requested the same for hers. In script after it, though, in her ring, she saw the word _forever_.

She glanced up at him, smiling again. He was smiling too. "Guess we're still on the same page," he murmured, giving her another kiss.

All the food was great, and Nancy was pleased. She was happy to talk to her friends, too. Nancy had ordered bottles of sparkling white and red grape juice and cider, since Jan and Shayna were pregnant, and Ned wasn't drinking and she didn't think it would be fair to drink today if he couldn't. Besides, she didn't want their guests driving home drunk on champagne. Near the end of the meal, her friends began proposing toasts, lifting their champagne flutes aloft, wishing them a lifetime of happiness, eighty more anniversaries, and all the prosperity and blessings they could ever ask for. When Howie came over after and mentioned that he was working on getting his company to consider switching from their current agency to Ned's, Nancy had to smile.

Sol sauntered over soon after Nancy, Bess, George, and Helen had made plans to get together in a few weeks. Nancy loved her friends, all of them—and Bess and George worked hard at it, but Nancy had always known how jealous they were of Helen. When Nancy had been young, before she had met Bess and George, she and Helen had solved a few mysteries, and while she was definitely emotionally closer to Bess and George, Nancy had always had a soft spot in her heart for her oldest friend. It didn't hurt that of the four of them, only Helen and Nancy were married. Someday soon, Nancy decided, she might share a bit of it with Helen, just to see if she and Jim had been through anything similar. Jim and Helen had to be doing something right, though; their wedding had taken place before Nancy and Ned's.

"Thank you for inviting me," Sol said. "For inviting both of us. Your house is beautiful. So this is where you lived...?"

"Before," Nancy nodded. "When we were first married we lived in an apartment until we could move in here."

"And you're both here now." Sol was smiling. "It has a good... feeling, to it. I meant it when I told you that you've been one of my favorite couples. I don't often get to see this part of it. All the sappy love stuff. I usually come in at the other end." He gave Ned a playful punch in the shoulder.

Nancy smiled at him. "Well, I'm more grateful than I can say, that you stuck it out as long as you did."

"What can I say? I love a challenge."

Sol's wife Tanya came over and hooked her arm through her husband's. "It's very nice to meet you," she told Nancy and Ned, her light eyes sparkling. "Very lovely ceremony. It may have given me some ideas."

Sol gave an exasperated sigh, but Nancy and Ned could both see the humor in his expression. "And that's my cue, to buy her off with something pretty before she's planning something like this."

"It wasn't so bad," Ned reassured him. "And of course it didn't hurt that I picked someone so easy on the eyes. I think you'd manage to muddle through."

Sol smiled as he and Tanya said their goodbyes to Nancy and Ned. "And I'll see you two again soon," he said. "Just let me know."

\--

Once all the guests had said their goodbyes and thanked them again for the invitation, Nancy and Ned packed up the few leftovers and headed to Fox Lake. James and Edith had spent a few weekends there earlier in the summer, so the bedrooms were already made up, the kitchen stocked with non-perishables. Nancy had changed into a bikini, cutoffs and a tank top for their trip; she beckoned Ned outside once they had put their food away, and as the heat simmered over the surface of the lake, they dipped into the cool water, swimming toward the deeper part.

"Let me see it," Ned asked, grabbing her playfully around the waist.

"Ned," she murmured in protest, glancing at the families playing and grilling out on the beach a few cabins down from his parents'.

"I meant your ring," he replied, but she could see how his dark eyes were dancing. "I was afraid to look at it too much because I thought you'd be able to sense it."

Nancy chuckled. "Yeah... I did find a few of your little notes around the house," she admitted, holding up her right hand, fingers splayed. The low golden light caught in the facets of the diamonds, sparkling brilliantly.

"It's beautiful, Ned."

Ned still had his arms wrapped around her waist from behind; he leaned down and kissed her shoulder. "I'm glad you like it, baby," he murmured against her neck, before planting a kiss there too. "Thanks for planning all this."

"It was nothing," she murmured.

"The flowers? I know those didn't just appear out of thin air. And the caterer, and my ring too..." Ned held his own right hand up, splaying his fingers so they could look at his ring too, then laced his fingers between hers. "Today... was perfect. And I hate to say this..."

Nancy turned in his arms when he trailed off, her own eyebrows up as they treaded water. "What do you hate to say?" she prompted him, reaching up to brush a lock of dark wet hair from his forehead.

"That it's probably tied for one of the best days of my life." His gaze searched hers. "Nan... the day you married me, the day I became your husband? Something changed in me that day, but it took me this long to understand... because I had never really known what I could lose, and what I could never afford to lose. I could lose everything else in my life, but I can't lose you."

She gave him a slow genuine smile. "I feel the same way," she murmured.

"And because of that... Nan, I meant every word I told you eight years ago... but what I said to you today..."

She gently ran the ball of her thumb over his chin. "Yeah," she whispered in agreement. "I guess it was like signing a contract, without quite knowing everything that might happen. And now we know, in a way we didn't before... back when we thought it would all be romantic, breakfast in bed and a trail of red rose petals every night..."

Ned smiled at her. "Is that what you want? Because I..."

She shook her head. "I want you, Ned. I want what I thought I—what I thought we had lost. I mourned you; I felt my heart break when you walked out that door and left me, after I asked you to. We have been through the worst, love. We have been through... through things I never could have imagined.

"But we're on the other side now. It won't be the same. I know that. But I think what Sol told us was right. I think it can be better."

Ned nodded slowly, his gaze locked to hers. "I think it can too," he murmured. "I know it can."

The kisses they shared then were slow and sweet, and they stayed in the water until the sun dipped low in the sky, catching fiery-gold in the ripples on the water's surface. They went inside for dinner, sharing their feast of tomato and mozzarella salad and pasta salad, dressing their sliders.

They sat down on the couch afterward, and Nancy's gaze was drawn to the fireplace. She remembered the last time they had stayed here; she remembered how terrified, how scared and lonely and awful she had felt. She had been so afraid that staying with Ned was the wrong choice for her to make, and afraid that her pregnancy had come at the exact wrong time. The person she had been then, and the person _he_ had been then, were so different from who they had ever been before or since.

Nancy leaned her head against her husband's shoulder, her fingers interlaced with his. "I love you," she murmured.

"I love you too."

"I wish we didn't have to go back tomorrow."

Ned kissed the side of her forehead. "It won't be so bad," he reassured her. "Besides, you can show off your pretty new ring at work. Tell everyone your husband has claimed you, again."

She gave him a small smile. "And I'd be proud to do it, too," she murmured.

"Nan, I'm really, really glad you like it."

Her smile faltered for a second. "It's because of what's behind it," she told him. "It's beautiful, but it's even more beautiful because of what you said to me today. I'll always remember that. Always."

He leaned down and kissed her. "And I will too," he murmured. "The day my beautiful wife gave me her heart all over again... which is good, because I had lost mine to her a long time ago."

\--

When it was almost time for them to go to bed, Ned served them each a generous slice of Hannah's cake and a tall glass of milk. Ned had long been a believer in Hannah Gruen, and he wasn't sure if it was the sentiment behind it or something else, but the cake she had made for them today was the best one he had ever eaten.

Then Nancy excused herself, and he was unsurprised when she came back downstairs and into the lake house's large main room wearing lingerie. The slip she had chosen, though—that was a little surprising. A part of him had half-expected her to wear the sweet modest outfit she had worn on their wedding night.

Instead, she wore an opaque lilac slip that reached just the tops of her thighs. Satin spaghetti straps held the gown over her shoulders, and he remembered that they crossed in the back. He warmed a little at the memory.

She gave him a small smile. "Remember this?"

Ned knew he was sentimental, but ever since he had moved back in, it had been difficult _not_ to be. He had wanted their life back, and he had their life back. He had wanted her back, and now he had her back. The lingerie was just a part of it.

"I do," he said, and was about to stand and pick her up, to take her back upstairs, when she sat down beside him on the couch.

"Even the first time I wore it?"

"Mmm-hmm," Ned nodded. "Our anniversary, back when we were dating. When you were home alone and invited me to stay with you for the night, for the first time. I had never seen you in anything like it before, and I thought you were incredibly beautiful. I still do."

Nancy glanced down for a moment, then back up at him, her cheeks faintly pink. "You thought I was beautiful?" she whispered.

Ned turned fully toward her, touching her side, stroking her through the silky fabric as he kissed her cheek. "Always," he said softly.

The knowledge that tonight she would let him have unprotected sex with her was incredibly distracting for him, but he didn't want to rush it. He kissed the side of her neck, still stroking her side, down to her hip.

Nancy let out a long slow breath. "Do you remember," she said softly, "when we were at Dad's house and there was that really bad storm, after I'd hurt my leg... and we went upstairs and had sex in my old bedroom..."

"Mmm-hmm," he murmured against her skin. "And it was incredibly hot."

That had been back when his job in California was still new, when being away from her for so long had made him feel so depressed and so terribly alone, even as his career had finally begun really taking off. Things between them had felt—fragile, then. He had wondered if he had made the right choice, if he had hurt her by taking the job offer, but she had never come out and said it; at least she hadn't then.

_We can't change the past. We can only change what we will do._

"Would you mind if we did something like that again?" she murmured.

"You mean a little roleplay?" Ned's voice was low and gravelly with arousal, and he chuckled softly at the end.

"Mmm. Yeah," she murmured.

"Sure," he replied, and kissed her neck one last time before pulling back to look into her eyes. "And I believe it's your turn..."

She gave him a smile, then cupped his face in her hands. "We would stay here, together," she murmured. "And usually Bess and George were here..."

"When we were just dating," he murmured. "Before. When we would sleep in separate beds and I would lie there and think about you..."

She smiled at him. "And Dad was happier when Bess and George were along, because he thought..."

"That we'd be less likely to go at it like rabbits with your best friends around," Ned filled in, when she trailed off.

"Probably," she murmured. "But we seem to be alone tonight."

"We do." In fact, Ned couldn't remember the last time he had accompanied Nancy and her best friends on a case, and been relegated to a separate bedroom. It had to have been back before they were engaged, most definitely... and Nancy had let him stay with her in her hotel rooms sometimes back when she was eighteen. Not until then, though.

It had been a long time.

"And my beautiful, incredibly sexy girlfriend is wearing some beautiful lingerie for me," he said, touching her cheek.

Nancy looked down at the slip; compared to the scraps of lace and silk she usually wore, with ribbons and bows barely—or intentionally not—covering her skin, the lilac gown was almost modest. She blushed a little. "Because I picked it out for you," she murmured. "I had never picked out anything like it before, and my heart was beating so hard the whole time. I felt... putting it on made me feel so grown-up. I imagined the way you'd look at me, when you saw me in it. I imagined..."

"What?" he prompted her softly, when she looked down again. "What did you imagine?"

"I didn't know," she said softly. "A part of me... well..." She tucked a loose strand of reddish-gold hair behind her ear, in a strangely sweet gesture. "Before we were together, really... it's not that I always played by the rules, but when it came to this? I always thought I was a good girl. Never did anything bad or wrong or inappropriate. When Dad told me that I should wait, that I needed to wait, I agreed with him. I do still agree with him. But when I'm around you, that fear... it changes."

"The fear?" Ned murmured, playing along with her script, his gaze locked to hers.

"I don't want to be a bad girl," she said softly. "I'm afraid of my father seeing me that way. I'm afraid of him being disappointed in me. But then I'm around you... and that's not what I'm afraid of anymore. I'm afraid... of not being with you, the way that you need... that if I keep saying no, and saying no, that you'll find some girl who will always tell you 'yes.'"

"And you're afraid to even tell me," Ned murmured.

She nodded, biting her lip. He could see a hint of humor in her blue eyes, but more than that. She was remembering. What she was saying had been true for her. "When I'm with you," she said softly, "I don't understand it... but I know that I would betray myself for you. And I hate how vulnerable I feel around you, but you're a good man. I've always known that about you."

"I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to do," he reassured her, touching her cheek. "Even if I'm dying and begging and pleading for it. Hurting you in any way... that's unacceptable."

"But you want me," she whispered. "I can see it in your eyes, and I can feel it in the way you touch me, the way you always want one more kiss. It makes me feel... sexy. Powerful."

"I'm sure it does make you feel powerful," Ned said, a softly wry tone in his voice. "Telling me no when you want it too..."

Nancy shook her head. "It's a power I don't want," she said, her eyes widening. "I don't, Ned. Because if I felt nothing for you, it would be so much easier... but I don't want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you. I want to give myself to you, and I'm so afraid... and I don't want it to happen yet... but a part of me does."

Ned raised an eyebrow a fraction of an inch. "You do?" he said softly.

She nodded. "I love you so much," she whispered. "And when you tell me that you want to show me how much you love me, that it wouldn't be wrong... I want to believe you. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and it scares me."

"And why are you afraid?" he said softly. "I would be so gentle with you..."

"But I don't want you to think I'm easy," she said. "And that's why, when I went to the store and looked at the slips and nightgowns, maybe I tried on a few that were sheer and very sexy, but this... I thought that maybe it would send the right message, that I'm willing, but not totally ready. Maybe we would make out, and you would try to get me to take it off..."

"And is that what you want?" Ned's voice was low, almost a growl.

She swallowed. "Yeah," she said softly. "But I'm afraid that you won't try... and I'm afraid of what will happen if you _do_."

"So why don't we find out, beautiful?" Ned said softly, moving toward her.

She stopped him, right before his lips touched hers. "You will be gentle?"

He nodded slowly twice. "So gentle," he said softly.

He gave her a long kiss, and he kept his hands from wandering up to her breasts or down to the join of her thighs. Just kissing her like this, if he had never seen her in a nightgown like this before... he would have been out of his mind with desire.

He was surprised to find that she was actually trembling a little against the cup of his palm.

When he broke the kiss, she rested her forehead against his. "And now I can't believe that I've actually done this," she whispered. "That we're alone together and I'm wearing something so..."

"Beautiful?" he murmured.

"So dangerous," she replied.

"It's not dangerous," he told her. "It's not."

She swallowed. "Maybe if I were wearing a bra..."

"But you aren't?" Ned reached up and gently touched the strap of her slip, and she shivered. "Oh, I see, sweetheart. I see your nipples."

"And that makes me feel like I'm someone else," she told him softly. "The kind of girl who really _would_ wear something like this for her boyfriend. Because I want you to notice, and I want you to try to touch me there... but I don't know if I'll let you."

"And I know that," he murmured. "And I can see how scared you are... so I'll take it slow."

She gave him a soft smile, tipping her face up, and he obliged her with another kiss. As she parted her lips beneath his, releasing a soft whimper, he rubbed his thumb against the satin strap. He worked his way down, gently, until he was rubbing the place where the strap joined the fabric of her slip.

Then he broke the kiss long enough to whisper, "And what will you do?"

"I don't know," she murmured, panting just a little.

He knew the way her body would respond to his, and he could see the desire in her eyes, but they were playing. And so Ned gently ran the backs of his fingers down the side of her breast, then back up, feeling her fingers drag through his hair. He didn't touch her nipple or the center of her breast, not at first anyway.

"While we're alone like this... are you afraid to go to bed with me?" Ned's voice was soft, husky.

She nodded, her cheeks flushing. "But I want to," she said softly.

"How do you _want_ me to touch you?"

She shivered when he kissed the hollow at the base of her throat. "All over," she murmured. "I want you to touch me all over..."

"Over your panties?"

"Yeah." Her fingers tightened in his hair as he kissed her shoulder, drawing the backs of his fingers down the side of her breast again. "And... under..."

When he finally glanced his thumb against the hard tip of her sensitive nipple, her entire body seemed to contract. "Ned," she said, moving back a little to put some space between them, but her eyes were shining.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm sorry, baby. I just thought it would feel good..."

"It did," she whispered. "Too good."

"How can anything feel too good, beautiful?" He planted a soft kiss against her lips.

"Because I'm too afraid that I won't be able to say no," she whispered.

"To me touching those beautiful breasts?"

She nodded once. "And everything else..."

Ned swallowed, then cupped her breast a little more firmly, his thumb finding her nipple. She shuddered, tipping her head back, exposing the column of her throat as she pushed herself up onto her knees. He cupped her other breast too, stroking her through the silky fabric, and she released a desperate whimper.

"So you like this," Ned murmured, and when Nancy brought her head back up so she could look into his eyes, her own were low-lidded. "Does that mean that your sweet little pussy is getting wet right now?"

She blushed a little. "Yeah," she murmured. "And I'm afraid that you'll know, somehow. That you won't like it... or that if you know that you'll just lose your mind and... and it'll be over..."

"What will be over?"

"The asking," she said softly. "That it's your point of no return."

Ned hooked a finger around the strap of her gown, stroking the bare skin beneath. "As much as I'd love to tell you that I _have_ a point of no return... well, my hand and I are perfectly well acquainted. No matter how far we go, if you say no, it's over."

"And you wouldn't be mad," she said, sounding skeptical.

"Mad? No. Frustrated, yeah. I know you're nervous, and I wish it was simple for you the way it is for me. I want you, Nancy. I want to make love to you; I want you to be my first, my only lover. And when I see you looking so beautiful in this little gown, I can't help but imagine taking it off you."

"And I want you to," she whispered, and moaned softly when he cupped her breast again.

"Upstairs?"

She tilted her head to the side, her gaze locked to his. "If I'm alone with you in a bedroom..."

"We've never been alone before?"

She shook her head. "Not like this," she breathed.

"But do you want to be?"

She paused for a second, then nodded; her eyebrows were knit, and she looked reluctant to admit it. "I... I love seeing how much you want me," she whispered. "And it makes me nervous, too... when I can tell that you're..." She made a brief gesture.

"Hard?" he filled in with a small smile, and she nodded.

"I imagine you... pinning me down, pulling all my clothes off... and then..." She gave him a small smile, the expression in her eyes a little unfocused at the memory. "And then I don't know what's going to happen, just that it scares me and makes me excited at the same time."

Ned cupped her hips, guiding her to sit back down on the couch beside him. "So... I want you to keep your eyes on me," he said softly. "Just keep looking at me. Do you like looking at me? Because when you touch me and look me straight in the eye, it's so incredibly hot."

She nodded. "I love looking at you," she whispered, her voice soft and dreamlike and confiding, the same way it had been the entire time she had been playing her game with him. "When you're around me it's hard to look at anyone else."

"I feel the same way."

He slowly brought one palm under the hem of her slip, touching the side of her panties, and she drew in a swift breath and jerked away from him, but her blue eyes were locked to his. "No," she breathed.

"No, you want to stop?"

She blinked, but Ned didn't take his hand out from under her slip, and she didn't force it away. "You'll think I'm bad," she moaned.

Ned shook his head, then smiled at her. "I won't," he told her. "But I also think being a little bad is pretty fucking sexy."

"Mmm," she cautioned him, tucking her hair behind her other ear. "That word..."

"Fuck?"

She nodded, and when Ned's thumb stroked the skin just above the band of her panties, she shivered. "My clean-cut shined-shoes all-American boyfriend wouldn't use that word. It's a _dirty_ word."

"My all-put-together perfectly-tidy extremely-virginal girlfriend would never think about it," he replied. "She wouldn't even know what that word meant... only that it made her pussy tingle and her breasts feel tender in anticipation. My shy little always-does-what's-right girlfriend would be scandalized, _mortified_ if she ever saw me with an erection, even under my clothes."

Nancy nodded again. "And very curious," she murmured. "Even while she tried to tell herself that curiosity _definitely_ wasn't the right thing to feel."

Ned chuckled softly. She whimpered when he stroked his thumb over the band of her panties again. "And what would my beautiful girlfriend do if I picked up her hand, and..."

He was already aroused; he picked up her hand and she let him guide it to his waist, let him press it against his erection. She made a soft inquisitive sound, but she didn't move her hand, only loosely cupped him through his cargo shorts.

"You don't want to touch me?"

She looked up at him. "I don't know how," she told him softly. "And I'm also very afraid that you'll just pounce on me if I touch you."

"And that's bad?" His voice was light.

"Yeah." Very gently and cautiously, she moved her hand a few inches up, then down. "How is it that something I've been told is wrong for so long... how is it that I can't make myself stop thinking about it, now? How do I want something I've never experienced?" She leaned forward, then kissed the corner of his mouth. "I was homesick for you before we had ever met."

"And I was homesick for you," Ned murmured, tipping his face so he could slant his mouth against hers. As he kissed her hard, claiming and insistent, she ran the heel of her hand against his cock and he pushed his hand into her panties, cupping her bare ass and then swinging her over him so she was straddling his waist. She tried to pull back but he kissed her again, and she melted against him, still gently fondling his cock.

"Mmm," she moaned in warning, but she didn't pull away from him again. "I need to tell you that we have to stop..."

"Do you? Tell me to stop?"

She took a deep breath. "No," she moaned. "Because maybe you'll touch my breasts again... maybe even underneath..."

Ned kissed her again, again, harder each time, his tongue stroking against hers. With one hand still squeezing and fondling her ass, he used the other to drag the neckline of her slip down as far as he could, then rubbed the tip of his thumb against her bare nipple, beneath the warm silky fabric. She gasped, but she didn't pull away; he felt her nimble fingers probe at his fly, finding the zipper pull.

"Ohh," Ned said, in mock surprise. "My shy scared girlfriend seems to want to take things to the next level."

She immediately let her hand drop, and Ned groaned in frustration. "I'm sorry," she breathed. "Like I said... I don't want to take things too far."

"Well," he murmured. "Would it help for me to tell you now that you are so, so beautiful and sweet and perfect, and even if we went upstairs and took our clothes off we wouldn't necessarily have to go any further? Do you want to feel my skin against yours as much as I want to feel you naked and pressed against me?"

She nodded reluctantly. "I can't fight you off, though," she admitted. "And that scares me. Because I'm pretty sure that if I did ask you to stop, if I shoved you away, you would stop... but I... I love it so much when you pin me under you and for a moment I think I'm powerless to you. It's only happened a few times when we were making out... but those times make me feel lightheaded and... and wet..." She dropped her voice when she said the last word. "And then I dream about you. I can't get you out of my mind."

"And what do you see, when you dream about me? On those nights?"

"I see you and I feel you, naked... and I don't feel guilty about wanting you."

"And you shouldn't feel guilty now," he told her, kissing her again.

He made out with her until she went boneless in his arms, her fingertips stroking his cock over his fly. He alternated tender nipping kisses with slow sweet ones, long and more and more intense until he was lightheaded. Then he kissed her earlobe, her neck; he splayed his fingers over her hip, stroking the very edge of the v between her thighs with his thumb.

"Ned," she whimpered, but the heel of her hand was moving against his fly with more urgency. He gritted his teeth to keep from reaching down and unzipping his pants himself.

"You talked about dangerous," he murmured. "Touching me like that... no, don't stop," he begged as she began to pull away again. "Don't stop. It feels so good, baby. Let me take you upstairs and look at your beautiful skin lit by moonlight. Let me see you, love. I just want to see you..."

She nodded dreamily, and Ned stood and lifted her into his arms with a sigh of relief. She wrapped herself around him, her hips tight against his, her legs wrapped about him.

"I know that maybe you didn't plan on going all the way tonight," he murmured as he began to climb the stairs, her hips moving against his with every one, "but at this point I'm thinking about the condom I always carry in my wallet, and wondering if taking it out will frighten you. Like you would see it as a demand for sex."

She paused, drawing her fingers through his hair, and looked into his eyes. "It would scare me," she told him. "One of the things I've always been told is that if we have sex... if I buy condoms and let you see them, it's like _I_ would be saying I was ready, but I don't know that I am. And if you, if _we_... actually do have sex, without protection... then maybe I would get pregnant."

"Would, or will?" Ned said softly, with no teasing in his expression or his voice. Even though she had told him she still wanted to wait a while longer before trying to get pregnant again, he didn't know for sure if she had taken the pill that morning.

"Would," she said, a slightly bittersweet expression on her face.

"And that scares you."

She nodded. "It scares the hell out of me," she said, her voice husky. "But, deep down, the idea of having a baby with you, a little piece of us both... I know I'm not ready to be a mother yet, but a baby... that's what this is. If we make love, if I give myself to you like this, then that might happen. And the thought of that... it kind of takes my breath away."

"That's true," he said softly, as he put her down on the bed. "And I wouldn't want that until you're ready, either... but it is an amazing thought."

She nodded, dragging her hand through her hair. Her lips were wet and pressed red from their kisses, and she was breathless and beautiful. "I want you to take my nightgown off," she told him. "I'm finally ready to let you see me that way. I want you to."

"But do you tell me?"

She shook her head slowly, tilting her head back to gaze at him as he slipped onto the bed. "Definitely not."

"So I have to take it slow," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her again. She looped her arms around his neck and slowly drew him down to her as she lay down, so that he was on top of her. He didn't pin her under him yet, but she had to know it was driving him crazy not to just yank her panties down and bury himself inside her.

After a few more moments, their mouths still joined, Ned took the hem of her gown in his fist and began to inch it up. When he exposed her panties, she gasped, breaking their kiss.

"Shh, shh, sweetheart. Shh. I just want to look at you," he told her. "You're so beautiful." She let him push her gown up to just beneath her breasts; when he touched the band of her panties, she flinched, oversensitive with arousal.

"Good?"

"Good," he confirmed, nodding. "Just not enough. I want more, beautiful. I want to see all of you."

She let out a long relieved sigh as he pushed the gown above her breasts, and when he caressed the tender flesh she let out an almost mewling cry, drawing her legs together. With only a little urging, he was able to pull it over her head, her arms raised obediently. "If I tell you I'll be good, can I take off your panties, beautiful girl?"

She hesitated. "I know I should say no," she murmured.

"But you don't want to say no," he said softly.

She shook her head. "You have to promise," she said softly. "That you'll be good. But even if you don't... I want you to, and knowing that we're too close, that it's wrong to do that..." She shivered as he began to inch her panties down. "As soon as you start taking them off I start imagining what I'll do, if you get on top of me..."

"And how do you feel when you imagine that?"

"Mmm. My heart starts beating so fast, and I hate that the idea makes me excited—I know it's bad, but I'll be disappointed if you don't at least try it," she told him. "And if you... if you were between my legs..."

"Yeah, beautiful?" Ned asked. He couldn't take it any longer; as soon as he had drawn her panties off, he began to strip his own clothes off and she moved to put her head on the pillow.

"I don't know," she murmured. "I only know that it terrifies me and excites me at the same time. And then I start wondering what you would do if you moved onto the bed with me and I... if I just opened my legs to you..."

"Mmm." Ned kicked his underwear off, then moved toward her. "Please. Please do."

When she opened her legs, Ned had to chuckle; her legs were straight, and she parted her knees a few inches, but that was all.

"What?" she said softly, but a slight smile crossed her lips. "Remember, I've never been in bed with anyone before, especially not you; I don't know what to do, and I think that maybe this is enough. I'm afraid to ask you, though; I'm afraid that this is already too far..."

"So if I do this?" Ned took her knees and she let him bend her legs, then part them so she was spread wide open. She drew a long shivering breath, her gaze locked to him.

"I'm... I know I need to tell you to stop, but I can't."

"And how do you feel?"

"Aroused," she breathed. "Nervous."

"Hmm." Ned moved between her open legs, standing on his knees.

She swallowed. "I love you," she told him. "I love you so much. I would never be with you this way if I didn't love you."

"And I love you," he told her. "My beautiful girl. I love you so much. I know I probably told you I just wanted to look at you, but, Nan... I've never seen you naked before, especially not like this, and now that you're open to me and I can see your pussy... I can't help it. I want to touch you so, so much."

"Okay," she said softly.

Ned reached down and fondled her clit very gently and tentatively at first, and Nancy gasped out a loud cry, trembling. "Oh my God," she moaned, gazing up at him. "Oh, that feels so good..."

"Good," he murmured. "I want to make you feel good, Nan. I want to touch you and stroke you until you don't have any fear or doubt about this. You look so beautiful, baby."

She whimpered. "The way you're looking at me," she breathed. "Oh, _Ned_..."

"What are you thinking about now, baby?"

"How good it feels," she whispered. "Nothing has ever felt this good... and I want you to keep going but I know that what we're doing is bad..."

"But you want me to keep going," he repeated, and he kept stroking her clit as he arched over her, kissing her cheek. "And I've never been this close to you or anyone else before, and I'm so so fucking hard that if you just put your hand on my dick, I'd probably come."

"And that would scare me," she whimpered, but she was grinding her hips against his hand, seeking firmer contact.

"I thought my girl was fearless," Ned whispered into her ear. "You keep saying _afraid, scared_..."

She swallowed and nodded. "What I want is you inside me," she whispered. "But that... it will hurt, I think. And then after that, what will happen to us? Will you love me, or will I just... just be the girl who gave it up to you? If I screw this up..." When he moved back to look into her eyes, he saw genuine tears in them. "I trust you so much, Ned. I love you so much. And if I take things too far and somehow I lose you... I know it would be better to wait. If I wait until we're married, until you've promised me that we'll be together forever, then it wouldn't be a mistake. I can't bear the thought of getting so close to you and then... and then losing you. I can't."

"And if I swore to you, right now, that I will love you forever?" When Ned's fingertip began to gently trace the entrance of her sex, she shuddered. "That no one else could possibly mean as much to me as you do; that if you let me make love to you, I'll show you that it's nothing to be afraid of, that it won't make what we have _less_ , but more?"

She whimpered softly as he began to gently finger her. "I want to believe you... but I'm afraid that what I feel inside me right now is _you_ , your—that part of you..."

He chuckled. "Even though you _know_ it's a lot bigger," he murmured. "Now that you've seen it."

"I do. But I'm still nervous."

"Well, there is one way for you to make sure that _part_ of me isn't inside you," he pointed out, and she raised her eyebrow. "If you have your hand on it... then you'll know where it is and whether it's inside you."

"That's true."

"And since I've never gotten to third with my beautiful girlfriend before, I have to admit that if I can't go all the way with her, getting her to put her hand on me? Not the worst thing in the world."

She gave him a small smile. "I'm shy," she said softly.

"Then I'll help you," he told her with his own grin, and picked her hand up, guiding it to him. While she had been eager enough to stroke him through his clothes, feeling her bare skin against his cock made him shiver with desire for her.

She flinched. "I don't want to—to make you go crazy..."

He shook his head. "No. It's just that this is what feeling your skin against mine does to me... and I want more of it." He hummed softly with pleasure as he bent to her again, brushing his lips against hers before he slipped his finger back between her legs.

"I like making you happy," she whispered, before she kissed him again. She was touching him tentatively, exploring his cock with her fingers, stroking the underside of his shaft all the way down to his balls and back up again. She ran the ball of her thumb against the head of his cock and made a soft humming, pleading sound as he kissed her again.

"And now," Ned murmured, kissing her again to punctuate each phrase, "I want, to go, a little, further." He slipped his middle finger into the slick heat of her sex to join his index finger, pushing them both deep, and Nancy whimpered. "I want all of you."

She gently squeezed his cock as she nuzzled against him, her breath warm against his neck. "Ned," she moaned, and jerked when he began to stroke her clit again.

"Talk to me," he whispered, and he was reminded of their true wedding night; they had been more experienced then than she was pretending to be now, but she had been both curious and afraid, nervous and anticipating, and he had wanted so, so much and tried so hard to make their first time together good for her. He had always hated that he had hurt her. If it had been up to him, their wedding day and night would have been as close to perfect as he could have made it.

But then, he reminded himself, they had just been married again, in a way. And she was pretending to lose her virginity to him again.

Nancy took a deep breath, then shivered when he kissed her earlobe before moving back to look down into her shining blue eyes.

"I love you, Nancy Drew," he whispered. "Now and forever. I always have and I always will. And I'm very worried that I'm going to come in your hand before I even have the chance to beg you to just try the tip."

She gave him a small smile. "But do you beg me anyway?"

Ned nodded slowly, keeping his gaze locked to hers. "Oh, yes. I tell you that I have dreamed about this, have wanted this for so long, and now that you're here with me like this, I will take it so gentle and slow, but this? Having sex with you... It's not all lust. There's no other woman I want to be with, no other woman who could ever make me feel the way you do. Because you're a part of me, baby."

"And if I let you... Ned, it's more than you fitting inside my body, the way you want to... it's that once we take this step, we can never go back. I'm whole right now; having sex with you..." She sighed, trying to put her thoughts into words. "It's that you'll be a part of me, after, in a way we aren't now. I won't be whole without you anymore; I won't be just myself anymore, I'll be a person who has finally seen what it is to be completely and totally loved by someone else." Her next breath shivered on her lips. "And if you ever take that love away from me... I will never, never be whole again. I'll die broken and alone..."

Ned shook his head, tilting down to her again, kissing her as she closed her eyes. "No. No, baby." His heart hurt at the naked fear in her quiet voice. "No. You won't. I promise you. Because I'll never let you go. If you tell me to leave you... I will do whatever you ask, but I promise you that I will never stop loving you. You're the better part of me, Nan. You're the best part of me. And losing you, if I could do anything to prevent it, would be cutting my own heart out." He took a deep breath. "It was like cutting my own heart out."

She reached up for him and they kissed fiercely, blindly. His hips nestled naturally against the join of her thighs and she clung to him, grasping his shoulders, his shoulder blades.

"Never leave me," she whispered, her voice tight with tears, when he broke the kiss and found that he was pressed against her. "Please, please, never leave me. Never again."

"Never again," he promised her, his breathing ragged. "Nan...?"

She took a breath and nodded. "Break me," she whispered. "Break me and make me whole again."

He took it slowly, closing his eyes and letting out a long low moan of pleasure as the head of his cock touched the slick, tender entrance of her sex. "Are you still afraid?" he whispered.

She shook her head, her gaze locked to his face. "It's out of my hands," she whispered. "I've given myself to you, to have, to take. And it's strange, how free it makes me feel."

"No guilt, no doubt?" He slipped another inch inside her, then another. She was incredibly slick, and he was using every ounce of his self-control to keep from just slamming into her. Not yet, he told himself.

She shook her head again. "No," she murmured. "Not with you. If I had to lose my heart to anyone, Ned Nickerson... I'm glad it was you."

He leaned down and kissed her as he let himself slide those last few inches and bury the full length of his cock inside the tight heat of her, and her muscles tensed, then relaxed, welcoming him. "Oh," he moaned. "Oh my God... you feel incredible. Just so fucking incredible, baby."

She smiled against his cheek. "So my boyfriend's glad I didn't insist on condoms this time?"

"Your boyfriend, your husband... _shit_." He pulled back for a long full thrust and she tightened around him again. "Oh holy _fuck_."

"I love that," she murmured. "I love that I can make you feel so much pleasure, that I can make you happy."

"And does it hurt?"

She shook her head. "No," she said softly. "It feels like coming home."

He kissed her gently. "That's how I always wanted it to feel," he admitted to her, his voice hushed. "Because that's how it always feels, for me. Like coming home. Like finding the other piece of myself and being whole again."

His first few thrusts were gentle and slow, even though he knew she was more than ready for him; when her nails tightened against his back, he nuzzled against the point of her jaw. "More?" he murmured.

"Mmm. Yes." She kissed his chin. "I know it's a bad, dirty thought to have, but I love the idea of you pounding into me, hard and rough and—wild."

"Even though you're a sweet, shy virgin and this is your first time?" Ned had a twinkle in his eye when he moved inside her again, moving so he could look into her face.

A stronger blush washed her cheeks in pale red. "What can I say?" she murmured. "I didn't fall in love with a meek, timid guy. I fell in love with an incredibly handsome, ruggedly strong and extremely well-built guy. Do I secretly harbor shameful fantasies of him throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me off, throwing me onto a bed and ripping my clothes off while I squeal in delight? Yeah. Would I ever tell him? Hell no."

The light in Nancy's eyes was dancing too. "At least not yet," he suggested. "But maybe in a few years..."

"Maybe," she agreed. "Once I have the hang of this sex stuff down."

When he rubbed her clit with his thumb again, she let out a desperate moan. "Well, I think you will get the hang of it," he chuckled. "Sooner or later."

"But first..." She reached up, drawing his face down to hers, and gave him a slow, sweet kiss as he moved fully inside her. "First, break me."

He growled in acknowledgement. She was open to him, wrapped around him and completely vulnerable, and holy God had he missed the feel of her against his bare cock. Everything else they had done just hadn't been the same. "Nothing else has ever felt like this," he murmured. "Nothing else will ever feel like this. No one else could ever be this perfect for me, baby."

"For me either," she whispered. "And I could never imagine sharing this with someone else. It would kill me."

"Me too, sweetheart," he whispered, grasping her hip with one hand as he drove steadily in and out of her, until she began to arch and gasp in pleasure, making soft pleading cries. 

"Oh yes," she sobbed. "Oh yes, oh fuck _yessss..._ "

Ned chuckled. "Guess my girl has a dirty mouth after all."

"What can I say," she murmured. "I seem to remember my boyfriend telling me that if he couldn't make me say that it felt so incredibly _fucking_ good, he hadn't done something right."

Ned smiled as he remembered. "I don't know what it is," he murmured, "that makes seeing those perfect lips wrapped around such a dirty word so damn hot..."

"Maybe because you want them wrapped around something else, so you have to take the next-best thing," she suggested, then twisted her hips on his next thrust. "Oh, _oh_..."

"Mmm. Okay, I definitely should have earned bonus points for not coming when you said that. I'm already thinking of every possible non-sexy thing I can... which is hard as hell, because all I have to do is look down and I see the most beautiful girl in the world wrapped around me."

"I definitely appreciate your iron willpower," she told him. "And I love even more that you feel so incredibly tight and thick and hard inside me. _Mmmmm._ If I'd known sex was going to be like this..."

"Yeah?" Ned grunted, driving rapidly into her again, feeling her hips shudder under his.

She shook her head. "Then our engagement wouldn't have been nearly as long," she murmured.

He let out a stuttering groan. "Put your hands on me, gorgeous. I love it when I thrust into you and you—"

"Like this?" He drove into her hard and she dug her nails into his skin, and he gave her an extra surge, driving brutally hard on his next thrust. She cried out, her hips twisting. "Oh shit _yes_ do it again..."

He had apparently found a good angle for her; when he obliged and thrust into her again, she sobbed, clenching tight around him. His lips brushed against her skin as he moved against her, and she moaned, clawing at his skin as his cock parted her tender inner flesh. He could smell the perfume warm on her skin, the tang of her sweat and the sweetness of her breath, her shampoo. Her skin was so, so warm and silky smooth under his fingertips, and with every hitch and whimper in her breathing, every arch and shudder of her hips as she responded to his thrusts, his heart beat a little harder.

"Mine," he murmured. "My beautiful one."

She cried out; she caught her breath and rolled her hips, and he really did cage her under him this time, groaning as she dug her nails into his back again.

"Mine."

"Yes," she whimpered. "Oh God, oh _yes_..."

"Is this what you want?" He drove into her, and she bucked under him, her hips beginning that jolting rhythm that signaled her climax; his lips brushed her temple, her cheekbone. "Is this what you want..."

She cried out again, and he could hear the longing, the pleasure and desire and need in her voice. "Yes yes _yes_ oh _God_... oh my God _yes, yes_ , it's so good..."

"You want me to break you..."

"Don't stop don't stop don't _stop oh God_..."

"Break you and put you back together again, my fingerprints on every part of you, just like yours are on every part of me..."

"Mine," she sobbed. "Mine, mine, oh _God_..."

"Yours," Ned panted. "Just as you're mine."

Her cry turned into a desperate scream as her hips rocked and shuddered under his, seeking friction and the angle that would bring her to that place beyond release, that place where she was senseless with ecstasy. When he arched over her to prop himself up, then worked his hand between their grinding bodies, brushing his thumb against her clit again, she sucked in a startled breath, then let out a scream.

Then his mouth found hers, and she whimpered with his every thrust, trembling as he drew them out. She contracted and shuddered with his every brush against her clit, and Ned did everything he could to hold out. When he felt his control begin to slip, he broke their kiss, and she sobbed as her lips brushed his neck.

"Come," he begged her, his voice hoarse with need. "Baby, come."

The cry she released then, as she tipped her head back, arching under him... when he breathed her name she brought her chin down and her wet blue eyes shone as she gazed into his own eyes. Her lips were parted, and she whimpered at his next thrust.

"Come," she moaned, panting. "Come with me... inside me..."

He cupped her cheek and when she trembled, moaning his name again, his hips pressed tight to hers as he spent himself inside her, her slick flesh pulsing and clenching around his cock. Ned let out his breath in a long groan, collapsing to her, and she sniffled, wrapping her arms around him.

"Shh," she whispered, and he could feel her still trembling, still clenching faintly around him with the echoes of her orgasm. "Shh."

When it was like this... oh, God, he felt senseless, both exhilarated and exhausted, and their bodies were still tangled together. He panted his breath back, nuzzling against her, and felt a cool dampness against his lips.

He pulled back to look into her eyes and saw the faint gleaming trail of tears down over her temples. He kissed each, then her forehead, the bridge and tip of her nose, her upper lip, her lower. Each kiss was softer than the last, and she was humming softly when he looked into her eyes again.

"You okay, Nan?"

"Yeah," she whispered, and her gaze went from his eyes to his lips and then back again. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, then kissed her gently, sweetly. "You felt so good," he whispered against her lips. "You feel so good."

She cupped his cheek. "What you said," she murmured. "Your fingerprints are on every part of me too. Every good memory I have. What we have, it means so much to me."

"And we broke each other," he whispered.

She gazed into his eyes, her brow knitting. "We did," she whispered.

He kissed her again, then whispered against her lips. "I think it's like what you said. When we were drifting apart... neither one of us was whole anymore. I need you. Without you... I lose myself."

She ran her fingers through his hair, releasing a soft sigh. "And I lose myself _with_ you, too," she told him. "But that's not such a bad thing... maybe I'm weaker without you but I'm so much stronger with you, Ned. And I fought that for so long."

Slowly he slipped out of her, and she rolled onto her side, cuddling up to him. He stroked her back, her skin damp with sweat, and kissed her brow.

"I'm stronger with you too, baby," he whispered. "The day I married you for the first time, and today... Nancy... there is nothing without you, not for me. You are the root and the heart of it, and with you by my side..."

"Always," she whispered. "I always will be."

He smiled at her. "And I will never leave you, love. Never."

She smiled up into his eyes. "I have always been yours," she whispered. "And I have to believe that we'll have another chance, Ned. I have to. It just wasn't the right time..."

He kissed the tip of her nose. "Me too," he said softly. "But no matter what, I love you. Whether we are able to get pregnant again, whether we adopt, whether we have children or not. Whatever you need, I'll try to be."

He could see sadness in her expression as she considered that they might have lost the only pregnancy she would ever have. "And I will be too," she murmured. "But I just can't believe that you weren't meant to be a father, Ned."

"And I can't believe you weren't meant to be a mother." He kissed her softly again. "The thought of our own little son or daughter..."

She nodded, then nestled against him. Her leg was still slung around him, and he stroked her back. "I know," she whispered. "Me too."

He felt her begin to drift off as he did, and as she slumped against him, her bare skin warm and damp against his, he cupped her side, closing his eyes. The weight of his new ring on his right hand was still strange. He had never thought he would ever wear a band other than his wedding ring... and it wasn't as though they could just renew their vows again every year and have it mean so much as it had today.

_You only get one do-over, Nickerson. One chance. And this was it._

But he never planned on needing another.

He brushed his lips against her forehead, and she made a soft noise as she cuddled close to him. He remembered sleeping right next to her in this very bed, with her in his arms, feeling her skin against his and feeling just as strongly that she was a thousand miles away from him, with no idea of how to close the distance. He had sworn anything to get her back.

And she was his again.

She shivered a little despite the heat, and Ned roused a little to pull the sheet over them both. She blinked a few times, then nestled against his shoulder as he reclined on the bed again.

"Love you," she whispered.

"Love you," he replied, and fell asleep in her arms, her heart beating against his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're currently working on a behind-the-scenes post about the making of this story; if you have any questions about the story, we'll be posting the entry at the nancydrewfic.livejournal.com site. You can post your question as a response to the commentary track entry there, or email them to nancydrewnickerson at yahoo dot com.
> 
> Thanks for reading! And we are planning at least one more story in this series.


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